View Full Version : not wanting to get married!
muslimah85
27-02-05, 10:56 AM
Salaam all,
I have a freind who is having a really bad time with her parents at the mo. She want to carry on her education, shes in the first year of her degree, she overheard her mum discussing a prospective marraige parnter with someone and she confronted her saying that as she wasnt interested her mum might as well say no. Her mum went ballistic that she over heard and the matter bacame exaggerated and they continued to fight. From what i know she's always had a good relationship with her mum and can;t really talk to her dad as he's her step dad.
Her mum told her she's had enough of her being too independant (only making choices which i feel and she feels are islamically her rights) and is going to look for someone for her even though she dosnt want to get married. her mum especially was very practising and has even been born and brought up and educated in england.
Im not sure what to advise her even though i know shes right what do u guys advise?
ws
Just bcz her mother is looking doesnt mean tht she will in turn definitely get married.
aamilah
27-02-05, 11:44 AM
what makes her think that if she gets married it will tamper her education? Why cant she say she will marry if her husband allows her to continue her education
Abdul-Curim
27-02-05, 11:50 AM
if the prospective marriage partner is of good character and can manage a family of his own , then the sis has no good reason to reject .
Salam
In this situation, it shouldnt be insisted her to get married. no one has any right to force her to get married. if she gets married she may not have a happy life. her parents will be respobsible for that.
But this sister should be patience. she should just make dua. inshaAllah everything will be better for her. May Allah help this sister. maybe as a friend of her you should try tp talk her parents. you may help her.
ws
muslimah85
27-02-05, 12:26 PM
jkahair to you all for your replies, i know what u all mean i guess its just tring to make her understand it all she's a bit worked up at the mo!:rubeyes:
ws
outlandish
28-02-05, 06:43 AM
if the prospective marriage partner is of good character and can manage a family of his own , then the sis has no good reason to reject .
oh yes she has a good reason. If the sis doesnt want to get married,she dont want to get married. No one can force her to get married,its her right.
Maybe she just aint ready for it,and her education is a good enough reason as well.
Abdul-Curim
28-02-05, 09:01 AM
education could be pursued after marriage too .
and what good reason for a woman to be repugnant to marriage ?
sounds to me she is over reacting, her mother has a RIGHT to look for a man in marriage, she shoulda sat down and talked to her mother, she gone way over the top and i wouldnt ever have an all argument with my mother like that,no matter what she did to me.
She brought me into this world,she can do what she wants with me (unless its against islam or force) even then u shoudl sit down and talk.
ponderingstar
28-02-05, 09:12 AM
yep, must go with outlandish. if she does not want to get married she does not have to. better she inform her parents of her decision now than not be able to say it inthe day of her nikka becasue she is too embarrased and ends up getting married to someone she doesn't want like.
yep, must go with outlandish. if she does not want to get married she does not have to. better she inform her parents of her decision now than not be able to say it inthe day of her nikka becasue she is too embarrased and ends up getting married to someone she doesn't want like.
i agree but i dont agree with the WAY she went about it at all.
Abdul-Curim
28-02-05, 10:15 AM
if she interested in some bro from the UNI she should speak to her mom , and leave the decision to her parents .
Chained_Water
28-02-05, 10:48 AM
Total overreaction to hearing the conversation.
Parents are parents, of course they talk about getting their kids married! They worry about their children and they think about it, they keep their eyes and ears open to prospective partners.
That is a good thing, it shows they care and want the best for you.
It must be hurtful for parents when their kids react immaturely and put across a "rebel" attitude.
And it doesn't help the situation of the child either.. If you approach your parents with respect and maturity and hear them out and then put across your opinion, you are likely to get a better response than if you scream and shout at them and sound rebelious and defiant and as though you don't even care what they think, you've already made up your mind.
If it was at the stage where the mother hadn't even told the daughter.. surely it was not even serious enough to be a worry?
Reserve your right to say no. But say no as nicely as possible so as not to hurt your parents and make it a them vs. you situation.
Chained_Water
28-02-05, 10:50 AM
Then again that is much easier said than done.
It depends on the attitude of the parents too and the relationship between the child and the parents.
I guess if the parents are forceful and uncompromising.. the childs stance and way of saying no will have to reflect that to be heard.
outlandish
28-02-05, 12:21 PM
education could be pursued after marriage too .
and what good reason for a woman to be repugnant to marriage ?
well a good enough reason these days for women to be repugnant to marriage is the lack of nice brothers out there.
and no education most of the times can not be pursued after marriage. It gets lots tougher and heavier for the women.First they say yeah sure u can continue studying,but than its like no better stay at home. She has to take care of house,hubby and what if she has kids later. Would be very hard to continue,and in the end they have to leave studies.
Forcing her wont do any good. such marriages dont last for long either
Ali_Khan
28-02-05, 04:35 PM
Total overreaction to hearing the conversation.
Parents are parents, of course they talk about getting their kids married! They worry about their children and they think about it, they keep their eyes and ears open to prospective partners.
That is a good thing, it shows they care and want the best for you.
It must be hurtful for parents when their kids react immaturely and put across a "rebel" attitude.
And it doesn't help the situation of the child either.. If you approach your parents with respect and maturity and hear them out and then put across your opinion, you are likely to get a better response than if you scream and shout at them and sound rebelious and defiant and as though you don't even care what they think, you've already made up your mind.
If it was at the stage where the mother hadn't even told the daughter.. surely it was not even serious enough to be a worry?
Reserve your right to say no. But say no as nicely as possible so as not to hurt your parents and make it a them vs. you situation.
Mashallah, sometimes it is hard to beleive you are 19.
Chained_Water
28-02-05, 06:44 PM
Mashallah, sometimes it is hard to beleive you are 19.
:rotfl: bro.. that's because I turned 20 last July.. but Ssssshhhh.. don't tell anyone, it's a secret OK? I've been a teenager for seven years, and all of sudden theres a big horrible round old "0" at the end of my age :eek: ..so I will forever remain '19' in my head to make myself feel better :banan:
muslimah85
28-02-05, 07:03 PM
SALAAM ALL,
just like to say a big jk to all of u for taking the time out to respond, most appreciated.
sr chainedwater :up: thanks for the humble advice i totally agree with what u said but as u also mentioed easier said then done. I guess the best thing to do i stay quiet and try to address the issue later with a clear mind. this was the advice i gave her.
Ne way thanks again:inlove:
ws
Chained_Water
28-02-05, 07:25 PM
Wa alaikum as salaam sis
Well now that it has already gotten to a stage where her mum is very unhappy with her and is determined to force her to do things her way.
My advice would be to go to her mum, be the humble one, be the daughter, and apologise for her manner of handling the situation.
But also explain her reasons for not wanting to marry (in a mature way).. and assure her mother that she has a say in her life and that she respects her and will obey her but within the bounds of Islam. Your friend should explain that she is not using Islam to get her way, but it is simply a fact that she ultimately cannot be forced into a marriage as that marriage would be null and void, she has to agree to the marriage for it to take place.
Your friend should explain that she respects her mother and does not want to be rebelious or cause her difficulties.. but she cannot go along with a marriage she does not want.. but that when the time comes, she will be open to her mothers opinion and sensitive to her wishes.
She has to create an atmosphere of compromise between her and her mother so that both parties can be kept happy inshaAllah.
Her mother probably feels threatened by having no control and no say in her daughters life anymore. The daughter needs to reassure her of her position and status as a mother and that she still has some degree of control and input.
Parents are owed obedience.. when they don't get it, they feel thretened and this is the kind of situation you get.
At the same time.. it would be just as helpful if she could get an uncle or auntie to talk to her mum on her behalf and give her mum some advice also. It has to be a two way thing.
Parents don't want lectures on parenting from their kids.. an adult, preferably someone older than them and with married kids maybe? Maybe even her grandparents or someone.. if they had a word and advised her mum to be gentler also and back off a little and try to compromise.. inshaAllah her mother would be more open to that advice and would also take a step towards reconciliation.
So A) daughter need to talk to her mother and
B) An elder family member or someone trusted and respected by her mum needs to talk to her mum on her behalf and try to persuade her to be more reasonable about things.
Wa alaikum as salaam,
CW
muslimah85
28-02-05, 08:32 PM
very sound advice thanks :up:
:insha: all will work out i guess someone got to make the first move and effort
x
me_omar
28-02-05, 09:32 PM
why didn't her mum tell her directly rather than have her overhear all that ! seems that the mum really doesn't care about her daughter's opinion and that's where she should worry ! :)
why didn't her mum tell her directly rather than have her overhear all that ! seems that the mum really doesn't care about her daughter's opinion and that's where she should worry ! :)
are u for real?
ur acting like the daughter is bigger than the mum,y should her mum tiptoe around her?
me_omar
28-02-05, 09:58 PM
Originally Posted by me_omar
why didn't her mum tell her directly rather than have her overhear all that ! seems that the mum really doesn't care about her daughter's opinion and that's where she should worry ! :)
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Yes Im for real ! I'm sure this is not the only way the mum can find a husband for her daughter. It's not about who's is bigger but a real mum puts her daughter's happiness ubove everything and a real muslim mum knows that Allah can send a good husband for her daughter without having to hide all that from the daughter !
Originally Posted by me_omar
why didn't her mum tell her directly rather than have her overhear all that ! seems that the mum really doesn't care about her daughter's opinion and that's where she should worry ! :)
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Yes Im for real ! I'm sure this is not the only way the mum can find a husband for her daughter. It's not about who's is bigger but a real mum puts her daughter's happiness ubove everything and a real muslim mum knows that Allah can send a good husband for her daughter without having to hide all that from the daughter !
who said she was hiding it? and who says she not thinking of her daughter's happiness?
ur acting like she got her married off wodout her knowing
me_omar
28-02-05, 10:17 PM
who said she was hiding it? and who says she not thinking of her daughter's happiness?
ur acting like she got her married off wodout her knowing
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would you please read the original post by again ! :)
who said she was hiding it? and who says she not thinking of her daughter's happiness?
ur acting like she got her married off wodout her knowing
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would you please read the original post by again ! :)
yes i have read it, i think u should.
the girl OVERHEARD the convo, her mum wasnt hiding it, the mum says she will keep LOOKING for a rishta for her, whats wrong with that?
Guardian Hijab
28-02-05, 11:51 PM
Asalamualaikum
lol WOW, if the girl doesnt wanna get married now....she doesn't have to, in my opinion, its best to finish university before u get married, cuz u'd have more time for studying and lol me omar and muslim girl, s'all good, u guys are just reading each others posts incorrectly, and nothing is wrong with ur mum looking for good man for ya! i think the girls emotion took over for the moment, i bet ya they're best buds now inshAllah:p
Wa'alaikumasalam eh
muslimah85
01-03-05, 07:30 AM
guys no need to get soo angry wid each other but remeber u gotta respecrt each others opinions:up:
guys no need to get soo angry wid each other but remeber u gotta respecrt each others opinions:up:
gosh ,sorry if i came across like that, me_omar,i apologise, i wasnt angry AT all, serious, i jus write my posts that way and yes i respect your opinion completely :D
me_omar
01-03-05, 05:20 PM
gosh ,sorry if i came across like that, me_omar,i apologise, i wasnt angry AT all, serious, i jus write my posts that way and yes i respect your opinion completely :D
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it's ok i'm not angry at you muslim girl or at anyone, i respect your opinion and everyone's opinion 2. :)
muslimah85
01-03-05, 07:25 PM
thats more like it big hug!!!!!:inlove:
thats more like it big hug!!!!!:inlove:
:rotfl:
muslimah85
01-03-05, 07:33 PM
sis how comes u get so much time to post on ummah isn't ur little boy driving u mad saying mummy , mummy!
he must be a little star:masha:
muslimah85
01-03-05, 07:34 PM
;)
.......
sis how comes u get so much time to post on ummah isn't ur little boy driving u mad saying mummy , mummy!
he must be a little star:masha:
naaah,it prob looks like i sit here contstantly but i step away from it (which is very hard!) now and again and be with my baby, ...ok, a couple of times he's turfed me of!!
i post mostly during the day (when im at work :D ) so i dont do that much when i come home,maybe jus read what everyone else is saying!!
i jus put him to bed, im all yours!!!
ur not gonna report me to NSPCC r ya?:nervous: :nervous: :nervous: :nervous:
muslimah85
01-03-05, 08:00 PM
hm i gotta think about it, whats in it for me?:spunch:
:rotfl:
hm i gotta think about it, whats in it for me?:spunch:
:rotfl:
*slips muslimah85 a wad of cash*
muslimah85
01-03-05, 08:20 PM
*muslimah looks both ways to avoid being seen before quickly accepting the cash and slipping in under her jacket*
thats just the first part of the bargin what about the second bit.
All gud things come in two's u know:spunch:
*muslimah looks both ways to avoid being seen before quickly accepting the cash and slipping in under her jacket*
thats just the first part of the bargin what about the second bit.
All gud things come in two's u know:spunch:
:freedom:
Grrrrrrr.....!
muslimah85
01-03-05, 08:36 PM
come on :D
come on :D
*MG emptys her bank acct and hands the cash to Muslimah85*
Salahudin
02-03-05, 07:58 AM
:scratch: hmm.... a boxing school?
I thought this was about marriage.
*either way Salahudin :outta:*
muslimah85
02-03-05, 09:25 AM
*MG emptys her bank acct and hands the cash to Muslimah85*
thats all just a few pennies?:wacko:
thats all just a few pennies?:wacko:
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: cheek!!
i think i will go and report myself!!
muslimah85
02-03-05, 09:40 AM
theres no need for that sis;)
i alreadyy did it last nite:D
theres no need for that sis;)
i alreadyy did it last nite:D
:(
muslimah85
02-03-05, 09:45 AM
:love: love u really sis would never do that
*picks up the phone and call nspcc*
:love: love u really sis would never do that
*picks up the phone and call nspcc*
*MG packs her bags,grabs her son and goes on the run*
u c what u have done?
muslimah85
02-03-05, 09:58 AM
at least i got a house out of it how many bedrooms, is the decor nice or frumpy?:evilb:
at least i got a house out of it how many bedrooms, is the decor nice or frumpy?:evilb:
i let eh gypsies across the road move in!!
mwahahahah
muslimah85
02-03-05, 11:10 AM
*m85 slams the phone down and sighs*
*m85 slams the phone down and sighs*
greed and blackmail shall get u nowher,mwahahahaha!! :D
love ya to sis!!:inlove:
muslimah85
02-03-05, 12:37 PM
:banghead: :( oh man! :banghead:
:rotfl:
:there: there there
juvenile_mullah
02-03-05, 02:50 PM
Salaam all,
I have a freind....
Hmm have we all over-used this term. Well hope u manage to sort thinks out with ur parents and make them understand :D
muslimah85
02-03-05, 02:55 PM
Hmm have we all over-used this term. Well hope u manage to sort thinks out with ur parents and make them understand :D
actually mullah im not a shy person as u've probably guessed if i hav a problem id come out with it, it's not that u know me any ways. Actually it was a friend, my best friend actually so it's kinda problem for me too.
Inshallah she'll work things out with HER PARENTS
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