Control Of Your Heart

[Mary Carol]

A wise and understanding heart does not repay a hurt with a hurt. In doing so, the heart is diminished. Fissures form. Love leaks out. Every pain given in return for one received, changes the contents of the heart. It is no longer defined by love, wisdom and understanding. It is redefined by the bearers of hurt and hate, pain and prejudice, meanness and madness, sorrow and sadness. You give away control of your very own heart.

The despair of being hurt is healed by overcoming it, not clinging to the hurt and inflicting more of it on the world. When darkness is added to darkness, no one can see, no one can love. Everyone loses.

Love is not always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it's the integrity we hold on to when we're tempted to strike back. Sometimes it's the honor that keeps us from exchanging the valuable contents of our heart for the harsh satisfaction of lashing back.

No, the way of love is not always easy, but when night falls, dawn is assured.

The integrity and honor of a wise and understanding heart, rises with the sun of a new day.

Living in love and loving life.

~Unknown

[sharonbn]

beautiful poem, mariam.

But I have a 'nagging' question: The poem seems to encourage the Christian traditional message of "turn the other cheek". In Judaism we are commanded to "love your friend as you love yourself" and to respect foreigners, but we are also told to strike back when we were unjustly hurt and to defend ourselves from evil. I would assume that Islam carries a similar message.

Would you agree that while the poem is beautiful, humanitarian and sincere, and carries a universal mesage that everyone can relate to, it is perhaps a bit too "Christian" in the strict theological view?

[Mary Carol]

sharonbn,

I'm afraid I'll have to sleep on your questions.

You obviouly are a much deeper thinker than I am theologically.

But I will take up your challenge since it is so interesting.

The reason I looked for and found that bit of prose is because I have been trying to open my own heart to the need and desire to let bygones be bygones.

It may be my Irish temper and German stubbornness that keeps me from moving on. :)

I hope to find some balance in my soul regarding it all.

Peace,

Mariam

[Consider]

[42:40-43] “The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof; but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allaah. Verily, He likes not the Zaalimoon (oppressors, polytheists, and wrongdoers).

And indeed whosoever takes revenge after he has suffered wrong, for such there is no way (of blame) against them.

The way (of blame) is only against those who oppress men and rebel in the earth without justification; for such there will be a painful torment.

And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allaah”


The Muslim is Tolerant and Forgiving
http://www.islaam.com/Article.aspx?id=502

[zenko]

consider:

let me ask you a hypothetical question:

If your father beat your mother savagely without reason, or justification for a long period of time to the point where he then threw your mother, you, and your sibblings out of your home forcing your mother to build a new life again totaly from scratch & not receiving a single penny from her husband (your father) who has now completely turned his back on his family.

what would you do?

[Consider]

consider:

let me ask you a hypothetical question:

If your father beat your mother savagely without reason, or justification for a long period of time to the point where he then threw your mother, you, and your sibblings out of your home forcing your mother to build a new life again totaly from scratch & not receiving a single penny from her husband (your father) who has now completely turned his back on his family.

what would you do?

Zenko,

The thing you must consider is what you should do - not what your nafs tells you, or what the shaytaan encourages you to do.

In reality, this is really really hard, even on the little things (something everyone needs working on, myself especially), and I can imagine in the scenario you posted, that it will be terribly terribly hard not to feel revengeful or full of hate towards your father.

BUT our parents have so much rights upon us, even if they are the worst of the worst. And we have to continue to advise them upon good. Look at the stories of the Sahaba for example - look how the fathers were treating their children or wives etc. who accepted Islam. Worse than anything.

In reality it is very difficult, but it is something we have to do. And everyone will face a different test in our life - some people will be tested by poverty, disease, a multitude of tests out there that people will face, and each person will face different tests. So, we dont follow our nafs, we try to follow what we have been recommended to by Allaah and His Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi was sallam, even though it may be a struggle. And the patient ones will be rewarded with Jannah.

And an additional point - being forgiving is good for our own 'emotional health' too. How often do people live with hate all their lives, and feel unable to move on as the hate they hold inside consumes them. Only once they bypass this, and get over this, they are able to move on and live normally.

Read this ayah:

[31:15] “But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”

So here, Allaah tells us to treat them kindly, even if they are calling us to shirk, which is the evilest of deeds, and unforgiveable.

And also:

[24:22] "...Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you?"

Its hard, but thats what we have to try our best to do.

[zenko]

In reality, this is really really hard
I know brother, believe me I know.

and I can imagine in the scenario you posted, that it will be terribly terribly hard not to feel revengeful or full of hate towards your father
words cannot express or convey the depth of the vengence I felt

Mashallah I have accepted what he did, well I'm not sure if "accepted" is the right word, meybe "come to terms" with it all. I know that Allah is the one to judge, + punish + give justice. But I just wanted to point out this surah you gave:



[42:40-43] “The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof; but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allaah. Verily, He likes not the Zaalimoon (oppressors, polytheists, and wrongdoers).

And indeed whosoever takes revenge after he has suffered wrong, for such there is no way (of blame) against them.

The way (of blame) is only against those who oppress men and rebel in the earth without justification; for such there will be a painful torment.

And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allaah”

Isn't it slightly contradictory? :

And indeed whosoever takes revenge after he has suffered wrong, for such there is no way (of blame) against them.

this part states that if one believes he has been done wrongly by, then if you take revenge then you are without blame?

And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allaah”
but here it states that forgiveness is what is recomended

??

[Consider]

Assalaamu alaikum,

SubhanAllaah, I hadnt realised that this was something that had happened to you - may Allaah give you much sabr in your difficulties. I hope that Allaah makes your affairs easy for you.

With respect to the verse: Look at it this way: you do an evil for an evil, Ok, you cancelled out what was done to you by doing it back. BUT, if you forgive, you get rewarded - you are better off. And indeed, it is better to do the latter, as a Muslim should always have the best character.

Just to add:

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Wealth does not decrease because of charity, and Allaah increases His slave in honour when he forgives others. And no one humbles himself before Allaah but Allaah will raise him (in status).”

Narrated by Muslim, 2588. Al-Nawawi included it in a chapter entitled: “The recommendation of forgiveness and humility.”

Al-Nawawi said:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “And no one humbles himself before Allaah but Allaah will raise him (in status).”

This is understood in two ways: the first is that He will raise him (in status) in this world, and give him status in people’s hearts because of his humility, and give him a high status in people’s eyes. The second is that what is meant is his reward in the Hereafter, where his status will be raised because of his humility in this world.

Taken from: Different kinds of humility http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=30864&dgn=4

[zenko]

SubhanAllaah, I hadnt realised that this was something that had happened to you - may Allaah give you much sabr in your difficulties. I hope that Allaah makes your affairs easy for you.

jazak Allah khair brother.
Yes this has been a truly horrific experience for me and my mother, it has been only part of my troubles, for Allah swt has surely tested me to the limit.
But Allah has given me sabr, perspective and through his test I have truly attained some sort of greater wisom on life.

The time for revenge on my father has passed, this happend 12 years ago, and besides whats the point of revenge? the sweetest revenge is for me to succeed in life, and show him that I am the man he never was.

Thanks for clarifying that surah, makes more sense now.

:)

[SoulAsylum]

Salams Zenco

What a terrible ordeal u hav been thru. may Allah reward u for ur patience !
The best way u can get revenge is by, like u say making a success of ur life.
But i can understand ur feelings of revenge and anger. They are natural.

Parents are sacred and hold a high position in Islam. I hav had many disagreements and fights with my father as well. So i can understand how u feel. Sometimes we as children or as parents, say or do things to our parents or children, that cause so much pain to each other and dont even realise it. Parents can be wrong, just becuz islam givs them high status does'nt mean they're always rite! Parents are accountable to Allah and will be questioned regards to their children and families!!

I think u shuld do sabr bro, and just get on with wot u need to do. And in time ur father will come to realise his wrong behaviour and seek forgiveness from you and ur mother. Infact display positive behaviour towards ur father : smile at him, giv him salaams, talk to him, and belive me bro that will make ur father THINK! Dont let anger and hate consume you bro, turn it around, turn it on its head nd if nothing else, make u stronger inside.

Hope this has been of som help

[zenko]

loozer,
jazak Allah khair ahki for your kind words.

giv him salaams, talk to him, and belive me bro that will make ur father
unfortunately bro, things are not that simple (or maybe they are ). My father has completely severd all ties with me + my mother + my sister. We havent seen nor heard from him in over 12 years, I have virtually forgotten what he looks like now. But Allah always protects us + this is the best situation for my Mother, sister + I, for my father is a lost cause. He has become associated with a very bad + evil man (astaghfirullah) hence the further my mother, sister + I get from my father, the better for us.

I will never ever see him again, + nor do I want to. If Allah swt decides that at sometime in the future our paths will cross, then I pray Allah gives me the dignity to act calmly.

In years to come I may fully forgive him for what he did, but I will never ever forget.

[Mary Carol]

beautiful poem, mariam.

But I have a 'nagging' question: The poem seems to encourage the Christian traditional message of "turn the other cheek". In Judaism we are commanded to "love your friend as you love yourself" and to respect foreigners, but we are also told to strike back when we were unjustly hurt and to defend ourselves from evil. I would assume that Islam carries a similar message.

Would you agree that while the poem is beautiful, humanitarian and sincere, and carries a universal mesage that everyone can relate to, it is perhaps a bit too "Christian" in the strict theological view?

I believe you are right that the prose does not encompass all situations that we might come upon in this life.

Islam indeed promotes justice:

O ye who believe ! Be ye staunch in justice , witnesses for Allah , even though it be against yourselves or ( your ) parents or ( your ) kindred , whether ( the case be of ) a rich man or a poor man , for Allah is nearer unto both ( than ye are ) . So follow not passion lest ye lapse ( from truth ) and if ye lapse or fall away , then lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do .

~An-Nisa 4.135

Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice , We shall cast him into Fire , and that is ever easy for Allah .

~An-Nisa 4.30

Striving for justice does not involve being blind to the
injustice and evil we see or experience.

We are just supposed to deal with the injustice fairly.*

And then do our best to forgive, forget and move on to the unspoiled promise of tomorrow.


*(Defining fair and how we deal with injustice would be the beginning of a long, long discussion.)

[sharonbn]

well, I'm sorry to report that revenge is a course of action that is recommended by Judaism. the phrase "An eye for an eye" is originated from Judaism, although I personally do not believe in this particular ideal.

[Mary Carol]

This was in my local paper today. It is about the same subject:


Let's Not Forget Power Of Prayer And Forgiveness

John Kass

Published February 27, 2005

Most of us don't like to admit it, because it is awkward to reveal faults, but some of us have held a grudge or two.

I've held my share. I hold them still, or they hold me.

Some involve petty resentments about past or perceived insults. They are the cheapest and the most embarrassing to keep around. Others are worth more. They're not petty and involve real threats sneered at those people I care about.

These grudges refuse to let go of me, precisely because I haven't done what's necessary to be rid of them.

So they grip. They're reminders, clinging and constant, sometimes even shameful, especially when they're stoked by ego. Every minute they're allowed to remain, they measure the price of my pride.

Some linger still. There are days I wish they didn't, but they do and the lousy thing is that as you become familiar with the bitter nature of a grudge, you may become comfortable sharing space with one or two, or more.

Yet there is a man now living who offers an antidote to such resentments. A few years ago, he taught the world an important lesson.

He had a real good reason to hold a grudge. Another man shot him twice and almost killed him. And this victim forgave his attempted murderer.

So he is a brave old man, but frail. His body is tired, it is giving out now. Reporters from all over the world have gathered to count the end of his days. Though he might surprise them and get out of his sick bed and live on for years, it seems reasonable to consider the alternative.

And though I'm not of his church, I don't think he'd mind a prayer from me, or from you. He's a truly holy man and many of us have been praying for him lately.

Pope John Paul II, the leader of the world's Roman Catholic Christians, embodies so much. There have already been harbingers in the news, reviews of his life, as the world prepares for his departure. Writers much more eloquent and qualified have discussed his works and weighed in on his virtues.

He possesses an intellectual rigor and a common touch, a powerful man who was determined to hear the confessions of average folks, never forgetting his role as priest.

A man with a sense of humor, unafraid to poke fun at himself and enjoy the laughter, and unafraid, too, to stand up to tyrannical regimes and pull them down with faith and love.

He's tried to protect his flock from the terrible onslaught of modern culture, from rampant consumerism and a scientific rationalism that offers to extend some lives while grinding up those that are less powerful, like that of a tiny embryo.

He's reached out to my Greek Orthodox Church, apologizing for the Catholic sacking of Constantinople, and became the first pope to attend a Muslim mosque and a Jewish synagogue. He has apologized for those Catholics who did not help Jews during the Nazi Holocaust.

Yet these are large issues. And I was focusing on something smaller--the personal nature of grudges. It would have been easy to understand if he'd harbored a grudge for the man who fired two bullets into his body.

Over 2,000 years, Christian leaders of various denominations have harbored resentments for their enemies, leading wars and men in battle. Some have even swung heavy maces against tender skulls, using the blunt and round mace because, as Western churchmen, they were technically prohibited from swinging the cutting blade of a sword.

But not Pope John Paul II.

On May 13, 1981, the Turkish assassin Mehmet Ali Agca shot the pope as his vehicle rolled through St. Peter's Square.

If I'd been in the hospital later, shot by a man who hated me but didn't know me, I might have plotted revenge. The pope isn't like that. He offered Agca immediate forgiveness and in 1983, he visited his assassin in prison.

He understood the message about turning the other cheek, but not for show, for real. Not for public consumption, but in secret, in private, in the cell in the Italian prison where Agca was held.

How many of us could have offered an embrace to our assassin? Not all of us have that kind of strength.

The pope has been in physical decline for years and said as much two years ago, when he celebrated his 83rd birthday.

"I am increasingly aware that the day is drawing near when I will have to present myself to God to account to him for my entire life. I entrust myself to divine mercy and to the mother of God," he said.

Many will point to the powerfully written encyclicals, his diplomacy, and his push to topple communism and free his native Poland. All these aspects of an extraordinary life deserve examination.

He's spent his life trying to maintain his church as a rock, offering a foundation to those who've built their houses on sand.

But teaching begins by example, like that of a man confronting his would-be killer in a cell, offering only forgiveness and love.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/services/newspaper/premium/printedition/Sunday/chi-0502270515feb27,2,813700.column?coll=chi-printnewssunday-hed