A Man's responsibility to his family

[RisingPhoinex]

In most Pakistani families this seems to be a problem and as always during my short life I do my best to find an Islamic view on my problems. My father''s side of the family is very large as is my mother''s. My mother is the oldest in hers and my Dad is in the upper middle-upper half. The problem is that he has had buisnes troubles and during the past 10 years we have financially declined. Mashsala we are well off but not as well as we could be. Recentley my dad closed one of his buisnesses and my Mom about two years ago seemingly volantarly opened a buisness of her own. My father generously gives to his family (Brothers and sisters) and without question. We live in a barley above avrage lifestyle yet the Muslims of our community are majorly affluent. We could not be described as such. Is it not my father''s ability to provide for us as such to equal our social surroundings, before he spends on his other family? Every improvement to our lives we must struggle to convince our father. Recently I found out that my Mother opened the buisness volantarly but only to help my Dad. Also recently i found out that my mother know pays for the running of the house hold. She is a timid person and she didn''t volunteer. My Dad just said so one day and she could not say no. He continoues to support many of his family members and though he supports us as well it is seemingly with great reluctence. My final question is this, Is it no Haram for him to make my Mom run the household and is not also Haram for him to hold us back while he has the ability to provide for us greater then he does now?

[AbuMubarak]

akhi, this is a legal question, which both your mother and father, or someone from your mothers side should pursue

not only that, unless your mother is making a case, i fail to see how you have any say in this matter

they wree married before you were born, they know each other better than you, they have their own relationship

i really would be upset with any of my children who pursued our family matter on the internet, instead of speaking to me,and his mother and seeing if there was even a problem

no one here can tell you what is haram, Allah says in quran, whatever arrangement that is agreed between husband and wife is acceptable

[RisingPhoinex]

akhi, this is a legal question, which both your mother and father, or someone from your mothers side should pursue

not only that, unless your mother is making a case, i fail to see how you have any say in this matter

they wree married before you were born, they know each other better than you, they have their own relationship

i really would be upset with any of my children who pursued our family matter on the internet, instead of speaking to me,and his mother and seeing if there was even a problem

no one here can tell you what is haram, Allah says in quran, whatever arrangement that is agreed between husband and wife is acceptable
First off one of the advantages of the internet is being annonymos. If I have a problem in my life I hope to be able to discuss it with open brothers and sisters. What I do not expect is some one basicly telling me to mind my own buisness. Guess what there is buisness is my buisness because I am the result of their buisness.

Secondly If you can not help please do not answer.

Thirdly I will answer your post content instead of its tone. I thought I made it clear that my mother is upset but we do not have a family where we bring legalities in. We try to work it out on the common bond of love. As I mentioned above seh had many problems but she is to timid to apeal to any one but she complains to us and my fellow sibblings.

Also It is not always the easist thoing to pursue such a conversation with ones father. Also nothing was agreed on he just stopped paying. What could she do?

[ZawjatuRaafi]

Then she or you should go to your local Imam and strive to seek some form of help in this matter inshaa Allah. There is very little we are able to do to help. It is for the man that He is to provide for his family. The ayahs are very clear on this. If the woman has agreed to help even then she has the right to say i choose not to any further and the husband is required Islamically to provide. If you are not willing to sit with your father and discuss this with him, nor is she then she should make duaa, ask Allah for patience in this, and to grant her the ability to withstand what she is enduring, and that inshaa Allah Allah will open your fathers eyes to what is being done and rectify his affairs.

[RisingPhoinex]

Then she or you should go to your local Imam and strive to seek some form of help in this matter inshaa Allah. There is very little we are able to do to help. It is for the man that He is to provide for his family. The ayahs are very clear on this. If the woman has agreed to help even then she has the right to say i choose not to any further and the husband is required Islamically to provide. If you are not willing to sit with your father and discuss this with him, nor is she then she should make duaa, ask Allah for patience in this, and to grant her the ability to withstand what she is enduring, and that inshaa Allah Allah will open your fathers eyes to what is being done and rectify his affairs.
Thank You for you reply. In this matter I don't think anything can be resolved without a direct talk with my father. Which I will encourage my mother to pursue. But there is also a second matter here which neither of you have answered. What is my father's responsibility. Where should his priorities lie. With providing for us a condition equal to that of are community (which he can easily do) or providing the same thing for his family?

[ponderingstar]

Thank You for you reply. In this matter I don't think anything can be resolved without a direct talk with my father. Which I will encourage my mother to pursue. But there is also a second matter here which neither of you have answered. What is my father's responsibility. Where should his priorities lie. With providing for us a condition equal to that of are community (which he can easily do) or providing the same thing for his family?
I think requesting your father to provide a lifestyle which is "equal to that of our commmunity" is a little unfair and sounds (and i don't mean to offend here) a little materialistic. HE must provide you with food clothing and shelter and as i have said many times before that does not mean extravagant items, gucci, prada and a mansion, but that which is necessary. You mother had no reponsibility in this regard. I think the reason that brother AbuMubarak answered your question a little coldly is because (and i can not speak for him but form what i perceieve myself) too many marriage problems become shared with children nowadays. It is understandable that children seem to side with thier mothers becasue theuir mothes can be weakler and also sinec the mothers generally tend to provode most of the love and nurturing to the children.

i think you must give your mother strengtha dn emotional back up when she needs it but ultimately this is her issue with her husband. But yes it would be unfair and wrong to demand a wife to earn for her family.

[AbuMubarak]

pondering


you are partly correct, another reason is that i see raising phoenix seems to like to post questions that are of a controversial nature, which makes me raise an eyebrow or two

[RisingPhoinex]

I think requesting your father to provide a lifestyle which is "equal to that of our commmunity" is a little unfair and sounds (and i don't mean to offend here) a little materialistic. HE must provide you with food clothing and shelter and as i have said many times before that does not mean extravagant items, gucci, prada and a mansion, but that which is necessary. You mother had no reponsibility in this regard. I think the reason that brother AbuMubarak answered your question a little coldly is because (and i can not speak for him but form what i perceieve myself) too many marriage problems become shared with children nowadays. It is understandable that children seem to side with thier mothers becasue theuir mothes can be weakler and also sinec the mothers generally tend to provode most of the love and nurturing to the children.

i think you must give your mother strengtha dn emotional back up when she needs it but ultimately this is her issue with her husband. But yes it would be unfair and wrong to demand a wife to earn for her family.
You can call me materalistic for my view on this and certianly I know I sound like one. But look at it this way. I fyou knew not by words but by actions that, If your father had one peice of bread he would give it to his siblings rather than his children what would you think of yourself? Would it not heart? Certianly it tears at my soul. I don't want Gucci or anything that ridiculous but what I do want is for my lifestyle to be better that those of my "poor" relatives who seem to need our help yet travel all over the world every summer while we are stuck on a road trip or better than those relatives who owe us in the thousands and have three houses.

I agree with your last statement but what you don't realize is that if some one suffers who you care about and don't ask for help and slowly you see the effects on their temperment than...what can you do? I realize most problems between marriage should be between man and woman but when it effects the children in their genral well-being and the quality of their life than I think the children being of the age of reason if not interfering should be allowed to have views on the subject. I won't get into a child's right over his parent (an intresting subject, I may go their in a diffrent post). I'm just asking for advice. I have yours and I'm thankful for it. SOme others I am not so thankful for. Though I understand their reasons.

Thanks,
Rp

[ponderingstar]

You can call me materalistic for my view on this and certianly I know I sound like one. But look at it this way. I fyou knew not by words but by actions that, If your father had one peice of bread he would give it to his siblings rather than his children what would you think of yourself? Would it not heart? Certianly it tears at my soul. I don't want Gucci or anything that ridiculous but what I do want is for my lifestyle to be better that those of my "poor" relatives who seem to need our help yet travel all over the world every summer while we are stuck on a road trip or better than those relatives who owe us in the thousands and have three houses.

I agree with your last statement but what you don't realize is that if some one suffers who you care about and don't ask for help and slowly you see the effects on their temperment than...what can you do? I realize most problems between marriage should be between man and woman but when it effects the children in their genral well-being and the quality of their life than I think the children being of the age of reason if not interfering should be allowed to have views on the subject. I won't get into a child's right over his parent (an intresting subject, I may go their in a diffrent post). I'm just asking for advice. I have yours and I'm thankful for it. SOme others I am not so thankful for. Though I understand their reasons.

Thanks,
Rp
this is funny, we're both online.

Anyway i feel i must butt in. I realise your pain but i wanted to say that if your father is providing for you basically then that is his duty fulfilled. My father didn't provide me with shelter, clothing or food for over 90% of the time (if not more). I do feel the pain sometimes and i do not have good relations with him. (which can also be troubling for me at times)

I think your main problem is that your father IS NOT providing these basics for you and your mother is unwillingly doing so. This should be your main concern. Any luxuries, holidays, etc are not your concern. That is your father, you will judge his relationship with you on what it is. If you want luxuries you will one day work to have them and hopefully provide for your mother too. If you feel you are strong enough, reasonable enough and diploatic enough then maybe you shoudl talk to your father. Stay humble and do not get angry or arrogant. It may be difficult, but try.

Good luck brother.

P.S. if your father provided these basics maybe your guys could all go on holidays with what you and yoru mother make? just a suggestion...

[amal]

Tell to your mom: i will be always close to you no matter what you will decide. May be she need more support.