My wife refuses to Help out with Finances, What should I do?

[faqir]

*My Wife Refuses to Help Out With Finances, What Should I Do?*


Answered by Sr. Zaynab Ansari

Question:

My wife only has an interest in cooking and cleaning. She does not show
any interest in helping manage finances or other important work. I have
a short temper and lose my patience easily. It frustrates me that she
does not think ahead of time or plan the work we have to do. I do not
hit her anymore. I know it is wrong. But is it haram to call her bad
names? Or curse at her, threaten to hurt her? I sometimes feel like I
hate her. What should I do?

Answer:

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,



Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. May the peace and blessing of
Allah be showered upon the Prophet Muhammad, his family, companions,
and
those who follow them with sincerity.



You are to be commended for withholding your temper and not striking
your wife. Physical discipline is only allowed in specific
circumstances. In this case, hitting your wife would probably not help.
As for cursing your wife, threatening harm, or calling her names, these
are all behaviors you should refrain from. Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr:
The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "A Muslim is the one who avoids
harming Muslims with his tongue and hands. And an Emigrant (Muhajir) is
the one who gives up (abandons) all what Allah has forbidden." /(Sahih
al-Bukhari)/

As to your frustration with your wife, you have a valid concern.
Marriage is a partnership where the husband and wife have to balance
their rights and responsibilities toward each other. It hurts the
marriage when one spouse shows no interest in matters of importance to
the whole family.

You mentioned that your wife does all the cooking and cleaning. It's
possible that she may be feeling overwhelmed with her domestic duties,
and is intimidated by the idea of more work.

If you think this is the case, give her the day off, make dinner for
her, or do something that will relax her. Then explain how important it
is for you to get her help with the family finances. Suggest to her
that
if she took more of an interest in the family finances, she would be in
a better position to shop for the family. Tell her that, as Muslims,
we're also supposed to plan for the future. By helping with the
finances, she can help you set some long-term goals, which are
important
for the family's future. If the family has any surplus wealth, she also
needs to be aware of this so she can ensure the family pays zakat.

Show her how to do simple things like balancing a checkbook or paying
bills online (if this applies to you). She might find that she enjoys
it. There's a website that you can go to at www.soundvision.com
<http://www.soundvision.com/>, where you can download a budget planner
for Muslim families. Consider presenting these to your wife to spark
her
interest in the family finances.

Stress to her the benefit and blessings (barakah) in mutual
consultation
between husband and wife. Allah, the Exalted, describes the believers
as
those who consult (shura )in Surat al-Shura, verse 38: "Those who
hearken to their Lord, and establish regular Prayer; who (conduct)
their
affairs by mutual Consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on them
for Sustenance."

Remind her that she is obliged to obey you in all that is halal.
Likewise, as stated in /Reliance of the Traveller/, both of you are
obligated to be gracious to each other.

Finally, it may benefit the both of you to seek the help of a Muslim
marriage counselor who can give you advice on harmonizing your family
goals and creating a peaceful environment where everyone can grow.

And Allah alone gives success.

And Allah knows best.

Zaynab Ansari


Learn Islam <http://www.SunniPath.com (http://www.sunnipath.com/)>. Visit SunniPath -
http://www.SunniPath.com (http://www.sunnipath.com/)
An Online Academy for Traditional Islamic Knowledge

[Tahiyah]

*My Wife Refuses to Help Out With Finances, What Should I Do?*






Answered by Sr. Zaynab Ansari

Question:

But is it haram to call her bad
names? Or curse at her, threaten to hurt her?

subhan Allah!

is he actually looking for Islam to justify his behavior?

are you kidding me? :rolleyes: gimme a break..


seriously,.. muslim men need to be aware of the facts in Islam and women need to learn their rights

[H25]

Salam,

In Islam you are the breadwinner and she takes care of the home. However we are living in the modern expensive times and if you want your wife to work you need to help her at home as well. You can't expect her to work like you and take care of the home. I think the answer you received is a really good answer and that you should do what they say. In regards to you calling your wife names, threating her etc - I think it's completely disrespectful and unloving to your wife. You cannot expect your wife to come to an agreement with you when you shout, curse etc at her, cause that will only alienate her from you.

Sit your wife down and explain to her your financial situation and talk to her calmly, cause as soon as you raise your voice, you will just start arguing again.

The best among you are the ones who treat his wife well - Really now, how many times does that have to be stated in the Quran before people understand it.

I wish you the best

Masalamah

[Coventry Sister]

As the Quran states the man is to provide for the family.

The woman does not need to help out financially. Whatever money she earns, that is hers and hers alone. She does not need to go out to work and face temptation from the devil.

A good husband would be grateful for such a wife. It is not the materialistic items we desire but the desire of Allah.

[Ehsanparham]

As the Quran states the man is to provide for the family.

The woman does not need to help out financially. Whatever money she earns, that is hers and hers alone. She does not need to go out to work and face temptation from the devil.

A good husband would be grateful for such a wife. It is not the materialistic items we desire but the desire of Allah.
But you are assuming a completely Islamic world where women ALL stay at home, and hence there would be more demand for people to work, hence husbands would get payed more. Law of supply and demand.

However, since most women have decided to go out and work and create a surplus of labor, this means men make less money to bring hom for their wives.

So nowadays, since conditions are more and more difficult, if you really need money and the choice is between your wife working or your child not growing up with adequate finances, the choice is clear.

Simple law of supply and demand, with a pinch of opportunity cost.

[badr]

[QUOTE=Ehsanparham]But you are assuming a completely Islamic world where women ALL stay at home, and hence there would be more demand for people to work, hence husbands would get payed more. Law of supply and demand.

However, since most women have decided to go out and work and create a surplus of labor, this means men make less money to bring hom for their wives.

Im new and i must say i neva tawt about it this way! ^^^^^^^^ very good point!!

[ponderingstar]

But you are assuming a completely Islamic world where women ALL stay at home,
I am ignorant so would like clarification as to where islam dictates all women should stay at home...


sorry to be off topic slightly... but i have never been taught such things in the name of islam and have assumed such baggage was cultural.

[ZawjatuRaafi]

We are told in Islam that the woman is to stay quietly in her home this is from Allah.

If the woman does for whatever need have to go outside of her home it should be for necessity.

Does this mean she cannot work No but this does mean that it is the best place for her. Men are the maintainers and providers for the home and this too is from Allah. The rights of the woman are that what she earns is for her to do with as she pleases so long as it is appropriate islamically... no haram or wasteful spending so to speak. If she so chooses to give of that means to help out in household needs it is seen as a sadaqah to her husband but she does not have to do so. A man is not supposed to marry if he cannot provide for his family, he should instead fast and make more salah until he is able. If the woman chooses to forgo this in her contract then the husband can marry her but if at anytime she decides she no longer wants to do this she can stop working and providing for the home this is 100% her islamic right and he should be in the means to step up to the plate and provide for his family as this is his responsibility given to the husband by Allah. If he is unable or chooses not to and this was in the contract then he has grounds islamically to divorce the wife if he chooses because she has breached the contract but in doing so he is also to know that he has divorced the wife because he was unable or chose not to fulfill that sisters rights.

At any time she can forgo and take back that right because it is her right given to her by Allah. There is nothing to be disputed over in this.

If a brother decides to have children by this sister again he should be able to provide for these children as the child has rights over the father of maintenance and if he is unable to provide then he should perform azl until he is able to provide for a child, and all this in todays time stuff is again out the window because Allah says that he will increase us in Rizq and to trust in him for surely he is the best of providers.

All that i have said was paraphrased but this is the rights of the muslims when in marriage and the rights of the child and all can be shown through daleel and i will look for that if there is any dispute in what i have just said. We have to trust in Allah more brothers and sisters wallahi we do. We have to do as he has told us to do and not make it a thing of this is not a time for this, in every time throughout our existence there has been hardship and poverty and there was always a case of living outside of ones means. There have always been those with more and those with less, the need is only in having trust in Allahs rizq and knowing that what he has promised us is there for us if we only trust in Him. He will grant us all what is best for us. Even if it isnt how we want it. If it is for us to have poverty look to it as we will attain wealth in other ways and seek those ways. For surely Allah is with those who are obedient and patient in dealing with their qadr.

[ponderingstar]

We are told in Islam that the woman is to stay quietly in her home this is from Allah.


i do not mean to be awkward but where does it say this? (especially the quiet part! can you imagine women being quiet! :D )

[ZawjatuRaafi]

24:33 33. And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah enriches them of His Bounty. And such of your slaves as seek a writing (of emancipation), give them such writing, if you know that they are good and trustworthy. And give them something yourselves out of the wealth of Allah which He has bestowed upon you. And force not your maids to prostitution, if they desire chastity, in order that you may make a gain in the (perishable) goods of this worldly life. But if anyone compels them (to prostitution), then after such compulsion, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful (to those women, i.e. He will forgive them because they have been forced to do this evil action unwillingly .

4:34 34. Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.

65:6 6. Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means, and do not treat them in such a harmful way that they be obliged to leave. And if they are pregnant, then spend on them till they deliver. Then if they give suck to the children for you, give them their due payment, and let each of you accept the advice of the other in a just way. But if you make difficulties for one another, then some other woman may give suck for him (the father of the child).

and to answer your question it says:

وَقَرْنَ فِي بُيُوتِكُنَّ وَلَا تَبَرَّجْنَ تَبَرُّجَ الْجَاهِلِيَّةِ الْأُولَى وَأَقِمْنَ الصَّلَاةَ وَآتِينَ الزَّكَاةَ وَأَطِعْنَ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ إِنَّمَا يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ لِيُذْهِبَ عَنكُمُ الرِّجْسَ أَهْلَ الْبَيْتِ وَيُطَهِّرَكُمْ تَطْهِيراً

“And stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display, like that of the former times of ignorance”. (al-Ahzab, 33).

And actually yes i can see doing this.

[ZawjatuRaafi]

Conduct and behaviour of men

Answered by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam, Darul Iftaa (Leicester, UK)

I have some questions regarding the Conduct and behaviour of men specifically in the west and in some way relating to the rules governing the conduct and behaviour of women.

It is clearly stated that women should wear Hijab and conduct themselves within the boundaries of Hijab if they must venture outside or in the company of men (i.e. minimise contact with men or if possible avoid altogether etc). This is so to minimise the chances of getting oneself in uncompromising positions, or more importantly, for their protection.

Similar rules apply for Men specifically when in contact with women but my question is what about their conduct when with other men, whether Muslim or kaffir specifically the protection factor. Considering that statistics show that men in the west are as much likely, if not more, in danger of getting hurt / attacked / murdered by other men than women are of getting assaulted/raped by men.

How should Muslim men conduct themselves? Should they not venture out alone? Should they stay indoors for their own protection? The third question is a misnomer considering the consequences, society coming to a standstill if the breadwinner doesn't go out to work etc.







In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

Allah Most High says to the believing women:

“And stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display, like that of the former times of ignorance”. (al-Ahzab, 33).

Due to the above verse and other similar texts of the Qur’an and Sunna, it is generally advised that women should not come out of their homes unnecessarily. However, if there is a need, then there is nothing wrong in emerging out of the home, provided all the rules of Hijab are fully observed.

The wisdom behind this is that, Islam totally forbids fornication and even those things that may lead one towards it. The Qur’an prohibits us from even getting close to fornication, thus Islam disapproves of unnecessary intermingling of the sexes. Then, there is also the reason of keeping women safe from corrupt and evil people who may harm or abuse her in any way.

As for the men, they have the responsibility of providing for the family and are considered the breadwinners, thus they must go out and earn a living. They are obliged to carry out and fulfil the day to day needs of their wives and other family members. Also, men are physically stronger than women and are able to save themselves from any potential harm and abuse.

Therefore, Islam encouraged women to remain in their homes to prevent unnecessary intermingling with men. The reason why this restriction was not placed upon men rather than women is that, as mentioned earlier, men have the responsibility of providing for the family. As such, it was necessary for them to go out and earn, whilst their women may stay in and look after the household affairs. Also, there is less potential harm in men going out than women, for men are physically stronger and more able to defend themselves.

Yes, if there is a place or situation where a man may be in danger of being abused, harmed, attacked, etc, then one must take all possible and necessary means of protection. It would most definitely be advisable not to go out alone, rather in the company of another person or in a group. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also advised that one should travel in a group and not alone.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK

http://www.sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00002563.aspx

[ZawjatuRaafi]

hope that helps a bit inshaa allah.

[Huja Usman]

funny guy, he wants his wife to be in charge:D

oh well, some men are strange

[ZawjatuRaafi]

you would be surprised to see how many are. I know so many sisters whos husbands require things of this nature from them.

May Allah guide our brothers and bless them to be husbands of piety to their wives and may Allah bless the sisters to be wives that are a source of sakeen for their husbands Ameen!

[Ehsanparham]

I did a paper on this... here's how you can look at this:

Men are better providers, and women are better nurturers. There is the exception, but when all's said and done, most women are better at raising children, and men recieve higher wages all around the world. hey are also able to put in more work, simply because they are built stronger, and don't have to be in labor for 9 months.

So assuming each is better at one thing, you can use Adam Smith's time-tested theory of specialization to conclude that the entire society is better off if every person specializes at what they personally do best.

In this case, women should make use of the gift given to them by God, which is that of nurturing, and men should make use of their gifts as well.

See, you don't even need religion to validate this - it's logical.

[ponderingstar]

I did a paper on this... here's how you can look at this:

Men are better providers, and women are better nurturers. There is the exception, but when all's said and done, most women are better at raising children, and men recieve higher wages all around the world. hey are also able to put in more work, simply because they are built stronger, and don't have to be in labor for 9 months.

So assuming each is better at one thing, you can use Adam Smith's time-tested theory of specialization to conclude that the entire society is better off if every person specializes at what they personally do best.

In this case, women should make use of the gift given to them by God, which is that of nurturing, and men should make use of their gifts as well.

See, you don't even need religion to validate this - it's logical.i completely agree with this sentiment, however, if a woman has a desire to work in something she feels passionate about and she does not have children i find it disturbing that she should be expected to stay at home.

Also, women can end up feeling mentally bored (as can men) and to deny access to mental stimulation is also an issue.

Obviously this is an issue for discussion before marriage but to think islam could be used to somehow prevent a woman from pursuing somethign she enjoys is sad to me.

Thankyou for providing the verse in which it states women should stay quietly at home but 1. is it not directed at the prophets wives? 2. it sounds a little like one of those "times of war" verses but please forgive my ignorance on these matters and 3. i just thank Allah every day that i have a husband gives me the freedom to do as i wish and go where i please.

[Ehsanparham]

Interesting thought. But why wouldn't you have children? it's one of two things:

1) You are unable.
2) It's just a matter of time.

If it's the first, then I see your point. If it's the second, I don't see the point in pursuing something, because soon you will have kids and will have to put them first which would make a proper CAREER almost out of the question. Motherhood is a career on its own, it's no simple task.

But if you're unable, then there are several things you can do. For example, in Dubai, Abu Dhabi Islamic bank is opening branches where only women work and only women can go - this is perfect for the situation you're talking about. However, if banking is not your taste, then you have to be very careful what you choose. Don't pick something where you know you're putting your goals and objectives at risk - and that is to be a good muslimah hopefully.

[AdamLevine]

Excuse my ignorance but if women do not forge 'careers' in the medical, teaching, hobby horse making profession (whatever has a male counterpart)

who will give medical treatment/ teach women in an 'Islamic' country (if one were to exist)?

[ZawjatuRaafi]

Thankyou for providing the verse in which it states women should stay quietly at home but 1. is it not directed at the prophets wives? 2. it sounds a little like one of those "times of war" verses but please forgive my ignorance on these matters and 3. i just thank Allah every day that i have a husband gives me the freedom to do as i wish and go where i please.Sis it is for the believing women. If it is for only the wives of RasulAllah saw it would specifically say so.

Either way it is not saying a woman cannot work because we can but what is better for us is to be closer to our home. In our home, keeping ourselves ready for our husbands, and in the home for our children if there are children.

All of these things should be discussed upon marriage, and if it is something you really want to do then it would not be advisable to marry someone who did not want the same... but even in this the right of the wife is maintenance, so because she works a job does not mean she has to use that money to provide for the home unless she chooses to. But the right of the woman is still for maintenance from the husband. It is a choice and this particular sister in this fatwa is not obliged to do so.

If women want to work then they should go into fields which are permissable. For example I am a computer networking technician, but I no longer use this much because it is primarily a male dominated field, what I will do is go into sisters homes and do the pc needs for them for small amounts of money, or i will shoot tech support to sisters over the phone. But I do not want to work in this field amongst men because my understanding is that it is not permissable to work so closely with men.

If say a sister wanted to get into midwifery this would be a good thing because she would be working with women, but even in this it could be a problem because the patients husbands would often be very much a part of the births. So there are ways of working but it must be used with a great deal of hikmah.

[AdamLevine]

Yes, but aspiring to something is different from burying your head in the sand and ignoring the reality of the situation

[Ehsanparham]

Excuse my ignorance but if women do not forge 'careers' in the medical, teaching, hobby horse making profession (whatever has a male counterpart)

who will give medical treatment/ teach women in an 'Islamic' country (if one were to exist)?
I'm guessing home schooling at first, then a all-women university if necessary.

[ZawjatuRaafi]

beautifully said mashaa allah

[Ruqayya]

salam, the women (wife) islamically doesnt have to give a single penny of her earnings (if she works)or any of her personal money to her husband! thats islamically so if your wife chooses not to you shouldnt be angry with her,as that is her choice, but she can give you money fromher own choice!

[Ehsanparham]

Allah created everything - even the economic laws of the Kuffar. Techinically speaking, no humans created anything and God created everything.