View Full Version : marriage at 16 to a man from another race, kool or unwise?
:salams
:start:
its been a long time since I have posted something here. Lol, happy that my user name hasnt expired. :rolleyes: anyway, I just need some advise. I have been asking "A lot" of people and I am 50/50 on me getting married. You see, lately I have been interested into marriage and have been strongly considering it. My mom is "ok" with it too but sometimes goes against it when she sees my room dirty or get reminded of the fact that I dont know how to cook:nono: I think its funny, what will I bee feeding me kids:rotfl: ok... nots soo funny. but i can learn, hehe. anyway... This guy who was suggested to me comes from indonesia (i am from somalia). I hear he is a good muslim, quiet and is capable of taking care of a wife.( quiet!!! bonus) but I dont know if i am capable of being a good wife. I may be 16 and "willing to face the challenges" ahead :insha: but.. . he lives in my city and an active muslim. right now he is on umra and maybe visit his family later on so I have all this time to make istikhara. He knows that I am interested but we never saw each other or even know each others name. I know he is 24 and indonesian but my sister who told me about him said you should go into more details if you guys agree to meet first. He said that he will make his response when he comes back so... Cant wait(or can I). even if he doesnt accepts, I want to go to the imam of one of my city's masjid and ask for hubby as he knows SOO many people who wanna get married. I better be off but, long story short, do you think that I should still consider marriage?
:salams
Ali_Khan
02-12-04, 03:17 AM
I would say if you got a proposal from a good muslim than go for it. Just do it in a halal way and make sure you get your parents permission. May Allah guide you. Ameen.
CoolGhostAD
02-12-04, 05:33 AM
ameen.
ponderingstar
02-12-04, 09:37 AM
Dear sister,
I think everyone probably knows my opinions on marrying too young... i'm rather against it. I think it depends where you are to live and where you grew up. Are you in Somalia? I don't think there is a problem with marrying a good Muslim man (OBVIOUSLY! duh!). I think if your parents can learn more about him and his character that would be a good thing. Also question the sister who recommended him to you. Ask her what she knows of his character.
I think it would be VERY wise if the man visited your home with his family or vice versa. I would not recommend marriage to someone you have never seen or met even if the meeting is brief.
Also be aware that the early years of a marriage are VERY important in putting a grounding on the relationship. (in this time you will learn about each other and establish how you interact etc.) If you were to move to indonesia it may be a difficult time for you if you have no friends there or do not speak the language. You will also miss your family and friends. It may require a very caring and attentive man to help you feel happier.
I think some girls at 16 may be mature enough for marriage, and i don't mean to sound silly, but they generally are not the sort who forget to tidy their rooms. :D
You should enjoy your teenage years and study, learn to be responsible, extend your knowledge. I always think there is plenty of time for marriage especially when you are 16. If you are getting offers now i am sure Allah will grant you with offers when you are around 19 or 20 also. May Allah bless your life and i hope you have a happy future.
muslimPK
02-12-04, 09:46 AM
I agree with Pondering star.You may go for an engagement.
ThE aPpReNtIcE
02-12-04, 11:10 AM
ditto on Ponder..
NoorAlHuda
02-12-04, 12:04 PM
i agree with pondering star, i was engaged at 15 and eventually married at 17, i think i did so too early and it did affect my studies etc. i think u need to really think about it, i was in shock when i married, the responsibilities of the home alone were enormous which was something i wasnt used to. you have to do everything yourself unless u marry a man who wasnt lazy......which are very rare...:D ...if u want more details pm me, but i really dont advise it, no matter how mature u think u r now believe me u will not be as mature as when ure a fully qualified adult. engagement if good. i was enaged for over a yr and a half, it gives u the oppertunity to get tio know him without the full committments of marriage.
certainly an issue u need to discuss ith your parents.
ponderingstar
02-12-04, 12:21 PM
LOL! i like this post. everyone agrees with me:D . why can't they all be like this?
P.S. i'm not to eager on the engagement at a young age either.
AbuMubarak
02-12-04, 12:33 PM
i didnt know there were age limits to marriage in islam
funny, i know i havent read every hadith, and nor am i a scholar or a muhaddith, but could someone point me in the right direction of this hadith that says there are age limits to getting marriage
old, young, teen, preteen, infant, toddler, old maid, middle age, whatever
because as we counsel a sister on marriage, we have to remember her rights over us, that we use quran and sunnah, and not our personal opinions
because if it was just personal opinions, we wouldnt need counsels from muslims, we could ask the mailman or the school guidance counselor and they would tell her pretty much what i have been reading
Huja Usman
02-12-04, 12:40 PM
she is 16 and he is 24.
I dont know, But it depends on you, But wait a couple of uears when you are 18.20.
16 is very young to me
AbuMubarak
02-12-04, 12:42 PM
huja
i look to you as a man of sunnah
can you possibly give me some daleel behind your 18.2?
What huja means by it is that you can marry at any age, but the person should wait a few years, so that he/she is more capable of thinking and making decisions, so things like that wont be decided for him/her.
And also its definately not advised to have any children before the age of 18, 16 in the least, for one it strains the young organism very much and is very unhealthy, not to mention that childbirth before the age of 16 will most likely reduce the womans life expectancy about 10-20 years.
outlandish
02-12-04, 01:47 PM
I agree in islam there is no age limit. So no one can say if someone advices u not to marry so young is doing something unislamic.
I personally think 16 is way too young. If I think back how I was at that time,I certainly was not mature enough to handle such a big change in my life. You need to focus on your studies first. Its very important u have an education and a degree. You never know where life might take u,so for me I considor it very important girls finish their education before getting married.
Well also the age difference,ur still a teenager and that guy is probably a lot mature than u.
ZawjatuRaafi
02-12-04, 02:26 PM
I know many many somali women and I watch them with their daughters, these girls Many of them are raised to be mothers and wives.
I cant say that it is a bad thing, if she feels ready. If sister you are feeling urges of whatever nature that you are struggling with, if you feel that you are ready to be a wife, then discuss it strongly with your Umm. I will say being a wife is a very large responsibility. There is a great deal of work in it, but if you are ready to face the work, their can also be a great deal of enjoyment.
Aisha was very young when she married al hamdulillah. She had the proper upbringing and familial support as well. Do you have that?
You say the brother lives in your city, you would want to find out if he continued to stay in that city or if he planned on moving from there and if so how you would handle that.
I think the biggest question though sister is your MAIN question. Whether to marry a man of different race/ethnicity or whatever. Will this be a hard thing for you to handle, there will be language barriers while yes he is living in your city so I would assume he will be fairly fluent in speaking in whatever way he needs to get around there. There will also need to be the acceptance of this in your family and his. While this should never be a concern in Islam as you should look to marry for piety not race, if it is a problem with either family it could make hardship in your marriage. Are you ready to face that?
Make Isthikhara on this sister with complete sincerity as there are many factors related to marriage you have to look at. Have your father or wali check on him and find out as much as they are able.
Sit down with the brother and see if this is what you want and sweetie if you find things you are not too comfortable with then seriously consider these things, because inshaa Allah you have a very long life still waiting for you and many more possibilities will inshaa allah come to you.
Ali_Khan
02-12-04, 02:51 PM
people used to get marrid at 13 and 14 all the time. but now all of a suddent "its too young". what changed?
Times have changed, the things that work during those days arent working this well nowadays.
But also the life expectancy has increased, so people have more time, not to mention they want to settle themselves more better.
Basicly the reason for it is, that people dont need to get married so early, if anything it will do more harm then good nowadays.
ponderingstar
02-12-04, 03:19 PM
people used to get marrid at 13 and 14 all the time. but now all of a suddent "its too young". what changed?
dear brother,
A LOT has changed, economics, technology, the way the world is run, who has control, and MOST importantly expectations. People used to have lower expecations in regards to women and men within a marriage and also in regards to the corker: LOVE.
these things have all changed. At 16 you may not be in the best situation to analyse what your own expectations are NOR the expectations of your spouse to be towards you. Since Islam allows a woman to work then you may want to establish if this is very important to you, you may wish to discuss how many children you may wish to have. MANY girls at the age of 16 assume they want to have battalions of children but the reality of the actual child birth, the responsibilities in raising a child, the monetary strains that children can demand and require are not a reality in many youing peoples heads.
At 16 many girls may be as muture as they'll ever get but when most of us get older we realise we were in many ways still children at that age. To get carried away and assume that moving to another country and living far from home in a place where you do not speak the language is going to be easy, may prove to be quite an assumption.
I realise i can not provide a hadith in regards to how old or young one should be when getting married but i think to not use your sense, your logic or the reasoning abilities that Allah gave you is also wrong. If we are not permitted to give advice in the context of the world today i think we are limiting ourselves and may not be giving valuable advice to people who have asked for our help. To pretend the world is as it was centuries ago is to be naive in my opinion.
Please do not take this the wrong way brother.
yeah and people used to die by the age of 35 or 40 too.
people used to get marrid at 13 and 14 all the time. but now all of a suddent "its too young". what changed?
ZawjatuRaafi
02-12-04, 07:42 PM
centuries ago sister??? My Aunt married at 14 years old. She is happily married for MANY years now. My great Aunt married at 13 years old. She just buried her husband of some 60 years. I had my first child at 18 years old, meaning I was 17 when I became pregnant. Al hamdulillah for the most part I think I have done a pretty good job in raising my son. Girls are now getting pregnant at the age of 13 years old on a regular basis in America. You are saying times have changed. From what I see being young and starting the actions of womanhood have increasingly gotten younger and younger. If a girl is feeling urges I believe the best thing for them is to marry. This is from Islam.
The problem many muslims struggle with is whether they should follow Islam as Allah and His Messenger have shown us to live it, or to do things in a way that is acceptable according to what is socially correct.
We have to get out of this thinking that because the times have changed that we as Muslims have to lose all of what has been set for us by Allah and His Messenger salallahu alayhi wa salam and change with the times. You can make exceptions in certain things, we do not have to ride horses for example because better forms of transportation have been made for us. But to set aside what was clearly good enough for the Wife radiallahu anha of RasulAllah salallahu alayhi wa salam, because it is not a norm for todays time and actually instruct another Muslim against it not knowing how seriously she may need it for herself is not the proper conduct of the Muslim. We have to be very careful of the naseeha we give to another Muslim.
I can attest that my room is not always spotless. So I will not say that because this sister has a messy room from time to time she is not mature enough or responsible enough to take on a husband. What we can do is remind or advise her that in marrying there is a great deal of responsibility involved in being a wife, that caring for her husbands needs can be a great task, that children could come into play making the role even harder. That there are great tests in being married, but along with that there are a great many rewards for the one who is patient, and ready and willing to endure it inshaa Allah.
And as far as what has been documented as health statistics well I have to say that whatever is to happen to a person is Qadr Allah and what may be a hardship on one may not be on another. If a young girl has a child it could yes risk her lifeline, but it could be that it is written for her to live til shes 110 Allah knows best what is for her, but if she is to have children at a young age she will have them regardless and there is nothing anyone can do to change that.
We have to trust in Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala and His Messenger salallahu alayhi wa salam more people, we have to trust that what they have left us is for us, and stop trying so hard to fit in with the way the society is ran today. Yes we can live with some of the luxuries of todays times but not when they begin to change our thinking from that which was set for us by Allah and His Messenger.
Sister Yusra if it is for you to marry this brother then I pray that Allah grant you in him a husband who is pious, that He grants you much success in marriage, and that you are blessed with the ability to be the wife that your husband needs you to be inshaa Allah. Ameen!
As well I dont recall reading that she was saying she would leave the country but rather that the brother lives in her city. I could be wrong on that but if that time came inshaa allah her family would be of great support as she said her mother has no real issues with her not marrying at her age. Maybe they would go along with her Allah knows best.
One last thought, someone made mention that the brother was older. I will say that I know many younger sisters who marry older brothers because of the maturity level (no offense to the younger brothers) sometimes that is very important to a sister. I have a close friend who is married to a man 3 times her age. For them it works. Ya know so I dont think 8 years is all that detrimental. Not all sisters look for a husband their own age.
Ali_Khan
02-12-04, 08:46 PM
Times have changed, the things that work during those days arent working this well nowadays.
But also the life expectancy has increased, so people have more time, not to mention they want to settle themselves more better.
In northern India people have always had long life expentancies with many people living into their first century. They still got married at 14 with no health defects. In fact their children still lived long happy lives.
Basicly the reason for it is, that people dont need to get married so earlyso basicly its just your personal opinion.
OK, I think there is a double standard here possibly. Would anyone object if the "man" who was getting married was 16?
Stanley Stunodd
02-12-04, 08:53 PM
My mom is "ok" with it too but sometimes goes against it when she sees my room dirty or get reminded of the fact that I dont know how to cook:nono: I think its funny, what will I bee feeding me kids:rotfl: ok... nots soo funny. but i can learn, hehe. anyway...
Why have you not listened to your mothers instruction and watched how she cooks, cleans, comforts her husband, etc...
Until you have learned the role, I wouldn't try 'playing house' .
no no no.
Would anyone have a problem with a 16 year old boy marrying a 16 year old girl? I think that some of you would, because a 16 year old boy is not ready to be a man and protect and provide for a family. so, if that is true for a boy then it is true for a girl.
Mary Carol
02-12-04, 09:26 PM
I think the fact that one has to turn to the opinions of a group of well-intentioned strangers on the Internet regarding a major life decision, indicates that the familial support, and community support that marriage demands is not available for the sister.
Where will we be when the proposed marriage hits a few rough spots at 5AM in the morning?
Who will she turn to?
How will we help when we are so geographically removed from her and her situation?
Sis, talk to your parents more, consult the Iman at your mosque, ask a close friend or relative for their thoughts on this, talk to the proposed groom when he returns, make istikhara.
Don't consult everyone you know.
Consult the people who know you well, who care about you, who have your best interests at heart, who will be there for you through thick and thin.
May Allah (swt) bless you and whatever path in life you choose.
Peace,
Mariam
Never before 18, and you should wait until 21.
Chained_Water
02-12-04, 10:17 PM
18's a great age to get married :)
I think the only problems younger people have are financial ones and maturity ones..
If you've got both of those under wraps, there is no problem in getting married young..
I'm a firm believer in "the younger, the better" (if you can and you're mature enough)
BulldozerGirl
02-12-04, 10:32 PM
I agree with mariam. This is an important decision and there has to be community support.
I'm not giving an Islamic opinion at the moment, but I would give a personal opinion, the same as other members, and say that I think it's too early for you, Yusra. You have to speak to your parents more about it, and know who this guy is. You'll need a period of engagement and more information about his future plans, and your future plans.
I'm not really against marriage at a very young age, but a lot of people these days are raised like babies, and I don't think they would be ready for such a responsibility, unless they have a lot of assistance from family (for eg. they live at their spouse's or their parents' home, and the parents feed them, clean for them, or look after their kids).
I know lots of people married at a very young age, and they manage fine in the end, and many stay married for years, but really, at the beginning, they look kinda pathetic in the way they try to manage things and need someone older to look after them both. If only the wife is younger, they end up like a father-daughter, and the man would not find her as an equal partner, but rather a child who's heavily dependant on him and requires instructions for everything.
AbuMubarak
02-12-04, 11:04 PM
the west has this concept of teens and young adult
where you are not old enough to be an adult, but your hormones are kicking more than any adult
so they tell you to date, and go to parties, and dance, even have sex (with a condom of course) but DONT GET MARRIED
thats where things have changed
and the sad thing about it,muslims have bought into that
so you see young brothers and sisters with boyfriends and worse
because their parents say its too young to get married
this deen is perfect, why do muslims make it so hard?
then they invent obstacles to practicing it
the sister said she is ready to marry, unless she has no parents or no fully responsible wakil, who are we to say not to?
which one of us will take responsibility if she commits zina because she took our advice NOT to get married?
the prophet said, when a woman wants to marry and her parents stop her, and she commits zina, the sin is on her father
be mindful of the advice you give, the angels are recording it, the person may follow it, and YOU be held accountable for it
wat'taqullah innallah khabiru bi ma taf'aloon
BulldozerGirl
02-12-04, 11:19 PM
AbuMubarak - We're only giving personal opinions, and we were asked to give an opinion. Do you want me to lie about what I think of it and say, fine, go ahead, when I don't really think it's that easy?
I didn't tell her to not marry. I told her to speak to her parents about it again and look more closely at how the marriage is going to be, where they're going to live..etc, and then decide.
I don't think anyone here encouraged dating or going to parties. If she wants to marry, then she can marry, no one's stopping her. What we were saying was that marriage is not just about two people living together, there are a lot of responsibilities, and she was asked to check if she has the ability to deal with it, since she herself was expressing some doubts.
And frankly, I think people generally have some control, and they have the ability to wait a few more years to get married without commiting any kind of crime, and it's better than rushing into something without proper planning, and ending up with a hated life.
I think a person should focus on school until at least the age of 18 and school should be their main focus. These days are more complex to live in, and in any developed country, to get anywhere you need at least a high school diploma, and having high education is even better. Then I say 21, because a person should be on their own for awhile before marriage, find a job, continue school, and just have a better idea of who they are, what they want, and develop mentally.
So the ages of 18 and 21 are not just pulled out of the hat in the West. People graduate from high school around 18, then add a few years for experience, and perhaps college, then you get the age 21. A good education is becoming more and more important for everyone, especialy in the West or more developed nations.
PARADOX
02-12-04, 11:56 PM
You fall in love with personality but you live with character.
If it is a genuine offer, it can wait at least until you know him better.
PARADOX
02-12-04, 11:58 PM
Abu Mubarak, are you willing to claim responsibility if she gets married and they have a child and GOD FORBID, the marriage results in divorce potentially affecting the children's future lives - or the groom turns out to be some monster?
Point is we can't see all the outcomes. But we can to know as much as possible, then if we are satisfied and see no further major obstructtion (eg. do u even know whether you are compatible with him at all?) then we put our trust in god...
AbuMubarak
03-12-04, 12:28 AM
paradox, thats plailn silly
first off, if she gets a divorce, she gets a divorce, that happens at 16, 26, or 60
and bulldozer, we are supposed to give advice according to quran and sunnah, not according to our personal opinions
BulldozerGirl
03-12-04, 12:39 AM
and bulldozer, we are supposed to give advice according to quran and sunnah, not according to our personal opinions
I don't think anyone gave advice here that contradicts Qur'an and Sunnah. They only advised her to think about it more carefully.
And anyway, Islamically, when it comes to something like deciding for marriage, there's no black and white law that says do it or don't do it. There are various things that are encouraged, including istikhara prayer, and looking at the situation from different points of view, like the future and financial concerns or whatever else. Just because the Qur'an and Sunnah encourage marriage at a young age it doesn't mean anyone who gets a proposal and likes the sound of it should go ahead and do it, without putting enough thought into it. And it's not our job to encourage anyone to do it in such a case, if we know that they need to think about it more carefully.
Islam does not encourage looking at a problem from one perspective only, and not considering other issues or risks.
AbuMubarak
03-12-04, 12:57 AM
there are her parents, and thats about as clear as it gets
this whole age issue is nonsense, none of us here know her, she may be the most mature of all the 16 yr olds, she may be more woman than any woman here, only Allah knows
but for us to even make her age an issue, to me, that is totally unislamic (i didnt say kufr)
NoorAlHuda
03-12-04, 01:06 AM
i think its an individual decision, one that adults around her will need to discuss with her, this brothers interest in her alone if not enough, she needs to find out what hes really like and if theyre compatible or not, and that will be the job of her male family members and wakil.
i know many young girls who when a brother proposes fall in love with the idea of 'being in love' as if marriage is a simple and little will change, but the fact is marriage is a huge responsibility on the man and woman, and shouldnt be go into lightly without having first discussed all the issues revolving the marriage. Age is not important, and should never be an issue, my own husband is 10 and half yrs older than me, it doesnt make any difference that the age gap is large, whats important is how you both cope with being together, how u relate to each other, how u want to shape your life together etc.
everyone is different, i've known girls marry young and sadly their marriages end in divorce, others marry very young and theyre perfectly happy. it's just knowing whether it is right for u.
as salamu aleykum wr wb
mashAllah... a lot of response! I thought only 10 or 15 would respond. You see what happening is that we will meet if he accepts and talk and inshAllah... if everything goes well. Than inshAllah, its oft to the Atler or shall I say Masjid. hehe. I have been given a little bit of info about this brother. MashAllah, they say he is a very good muslim who is active and has a good character. He is quiet and I really would love to have a quiet husband. me... lol, I'm the contrary. I speak and sometimes speak loud! But I am fun to hang out and many even said "your sooo funny". My jokes and sarcasm can crack one up. A funny niqaabee. something you dont see everyday.
I have a theorie. That no one is a 100% ready for marriage but a 100% willing to face the challenges ahead. I have no experience with children since my older brothers (i have 4 older and 3 younger but NO Sis!!) took care of my younger bros. I know how to clean but as a teen, sometimes i forget or abuse my cleaning duties. Ya Allah, make duah for me. I dont know how to cook. Ok! I have a lot to learn, but during that time inshAllah I will get to know this guy. But dont be blown off by this. I am not getting married for no particular reason! I wanna get married for deen! To learn my deen and understand Al-Islam. He has a good character (i hope so) and follows islam. I follow islam but my iman is at a low position. I want him to teach me his knowledg and grow together as Muslims into Mu'meens and maybe into Muhsins! I think that marriage will bring inner peace inshAllah!!!!
I dont have a lot of time. I must leave. Please make duah for me.
as salamu aleykum wr wb
Ali_Khan
03-12-04, 02:59 AM
the west has this concept of teens and young adult
where you are not old enough to be an adult, but your hormones are kicking more than any adult
so they tell you to date, and go to parties, and dance, even have sex (with a condom of course) but DONT GET MARRIED
exactly. its like at a young age they teach them about iresponsobility. sex with no strings attached. At 18 theyre allowed to be filmed having sex with mulitple partners but theyre not actually allowed to watch that film because it has become "pornography". They just make up these rules as they go along. I just thank Allah for giving us clear rules and guidelines.
ZawjatuRaafi
03-12-04, 03:08 AM
Sounds like she knows what she wants to me. What better reason then for deen, I havent heard her mention love not once. She has brothers and inshaa Allah will be cared for well inshaa Allah. No one can say whether things will work or even if they will marry but inshaa Allah if they do it doesnt sound as if her head is in the clouds. But sis watch your Ummi at all possible times and learn to do all she has had to learn to do. I know a sister who for the first 6 months of her marriage knew how to cook nothing more then noodles. She told her husband upon marrying he accepted that and as time passed she focused on learning to cook and make herself a domestic pleasure for her husband al hamdulillah. Anything can be done if her intention is correct. inshaa Allah this sister has the correct niyaah. Al hamdulillah he is on Umrah and is striving to do what pleases Allah, Hopefully he will have went to see his parents this way she has more time to learn some of the basic fundamentals from her mother, and if it is written for her to marry the brother inshaa Allah Allah will grant them both Much success!
Ameen
Stanley Stunodd
03-12-04, 05:08 AM
a 16 year old boy is not ready to be a man and protect and provide for a family.
I just finished watching Ted Kopple on Nightline and he interviewed a young soldier in Iraq, in the end, the moral of the story was that this young man was old enough to go into battle and possibly lose his life or limb but, legally, he isn't old enough to consume a beer.
I think a man should wait until he reaches the age of 30,
and a woman at least the age of 18 prior to thinking about marraige and such matters.
How many young teens take Viagra and this new patch for momen to increase the sexual drive?
And how many of these casually ingest the drug RU486 to make any 'problems' go away?
outlandish
03-12-04, 09:13 AM
exactly. its like at a young age they teach them about iresponsobility. sex with no strings attached. At 18 theyre allowed to be filmed having sex with mulitple partners but theyre not actually allowed to watch that film because it has become "pornography". They just make up these rules as they go along. I just thank Allah for giving us clear rules and guidelines.Who says if u dont marry early go opting for that. NO muslim parent whom doesnt want their kids to get married at an early age would say their kids go and do such stuff or watch such stuff.
One should learn to control himself and his desires, you cant go ahead everytime with everything as u please. You have to see how practical such a decision is.Isnt the intend of fasting controlling one's desires as well. When muslims can do it an entire month,you think teens cant do it in their early years as well,and they cant restrain themself?Education is a must,both for men AND Woman. Its important they stand somewhere before taking such a decision. You never know what the future holds for u,atleast with having a degree ur securing some of ur future. What if the guy turns to be something totaly different,what if she is left as a widow. With no good education how will she take care of herself?
There is no age limit in islam period,than why do u think all those whom dont wanna get married early are doing an unislamic thing or advicing something unislamic?Islam encourages to marry,but not marry at this age or that there are no clear cut rules regarding age.How u think at the age of 16 is totally different than how u think when ur matured. That is why its better and wise to wait till u reach that maturity.
If age is no issue and a nonsense,whey dont I always see men not making it an issue either,and marrying girls lots and lots younger to them. Why is age an isse THAN?Sounds hypocritical to me. For a woman it musnt be an issue and totaly opposite for a man....
ponderingstar
03-12-04, 10:49 AM
LOL! everything has turned out do black and white on this thread. I think we should stop arguing and give the girl some honest advice. If we only give advice through Quran and Sunnah and since the girl had not mentioned her lust being a problem, i would like someone to provide some verses that say a girl MUST marry at 16 that it would be haram otherwise.
People who have seen the world cannot be blind to its problems. And as you get older you you see more of the world. I as a girl of 16 was still very much a girl. (despite thinking i was very much a woman and thinking i couldn't possibly learn more.) It is not Haram to use common sense.
There is no need to close your eyes and marry the first man who puts forward an interest because he is a muslim. That's just silly. Otherwise i would have been married at 15 and probably not been particularly happy. I am grateful to those around me who offered me ALL opinions and i married at 23 and am very lucky i married what i consider to be the most ideal man for me.
And to suggest a girl of 16 will not miss her family dearly and feel a little lost in a country where she does not speak the language is also being blind. Do you think Allah does not wish us to give her this advice? SO you think Allah would want us to hide this fact because there is nowhere in the Quran which states a girl cannot go and live abroad? I find that silly. Allah surely wants us to use our common sense. I stated that there would be a difference in whether the girl lived here or in somalia, becasue again this reflects on EXPECTATION.
I will also stand by my decision that the girl and her family should find out more about the mans CHARACTER before they agree to a marriage if they decide that is what they really want.
Ponderingstar the fact is that: she is asking us. That show even she is not 100% convinced she is doing somethnig right. Me when i have doubts i say NOOOOO until i clear up. I strongly advice her to say no and wait until she will not have any doubts.
My parents also will not be agree to marry with a man which they doesn;t know. So obvious they will meet him ,but why to meet until she is not convinced.
Directed at sis with problem:
Best if u discuss this with ur parents and peers, after all they know you better than any of us do and will be able to advise u better.
Ws
exactly. its like at a young age they teach them about iresponsobility. sex with no strings attached. At 18 theyre allowed to be filmed having sex with mulitple partners but theyre not actually allowed to watch that film because it has become "pornography". They just make up these rules as they go along. I just thank Allah for giving us clear rules and guidelines.
Never seen a parent teach that, and I live in the West.
When you reach 18, you are an adult by law and what choices you make is up to the individual. If some a few make a wrong choice, there are millions of others who do not make that same choice.
Just for arguments sake, you do need relegion to to have a good moral fiber, or find porno's distastefull.
Who is they?????
And Abu M, if you dont think age is an issue, would you have a problem with a 13 year old getting married, a 12 year old? A 10 year old?
16 is too young and if those parents wanted to act in their daughters best interest they would not allow her to marry yet.
exactly. its like at a young age they teach them about iresponsobility. sex with no strings attached. At 18 theyre allowed to be filmed having sex with mulitple partners but theyre not actually allowed to watch that film because it has become "pornography". They just make up these rules as they go along. I just thank Allah for giving us clear rules and guidelines.
ZawjatuRaafi
03-12-04, 01:34 PM
are you all intentionally not hearing what the sister said? She says her mother is ok with her marrying, she says she is not making any decisions right now just trying to see whats best, that she is going to make isthikhara herself, and strive to learn more in the areas she is lacking, the brother is on umrah, and then off to see his parents, from there will come back and if still interested will arrange a meeting. To sit down and talk with the brother. She covers(so I pray she has some hayaa), she has an elder brother so inshaa Allah if her father is not present inshaa Allah her brother can help her through things inshaa Allah, and from all of the Somali women I know they are very protective over there daughters.
This is not some little sister who is sitting on the net talking to a brother online, deciding to run off to his country without any knowledge of it by her family.
And yes sister at 16 it will be hard for her to leave her family and go to another country, as would it be for a 20 year old, a 30 year old, a 40 year old and the likes. But my guess is she would survive just as many have throughout life. As well no one was asked to leave the country the brother lives in the same city with her.
I am not saying any of you are wrong, I just dont think it should be advised not to marry just because of her age. Yes education is important, I am not saying neglect the education. While being a wife is a full time job, one can work or go to school if she would like, so if the education is a major factor for the sister she needs to discuss that with the brother and make sure she can still attain it. Allah knows best maybe she chooses to be a seamstress. Whatever the case be you are all correct it is important. As well If she is not old enough/ mature enough mentally. Then it would be better for her to make sure she does the things she needs to prepare herself for marriage. So i dont think anyone is saying just be flighty rush off and marry dont check anything... I dont see that coming from the sister herself either.
And Mariam I have to say I agreed with you on your post. Her family will inshaa Allah be involved. But hey as her sisters in islam. I am sure we would be here for her if she ever needed us. No matter what time of the night it was... :)
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