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Abdul-Hakeem
25-05-12, 04:06 AM
Assalamu `Alaykum

Now, hear me out brothers and sisters because I know this situation is often talked about.

I am an American and I am a convert to Islam. I met with the father and mother of a Muslimah who I am engaged to (I asked her to marry me and she said yes, and that is all that is required Islamically for engagement under my understanding). After many questions, they decided that I am, in her father's words, "a man with good character and a good Muslim."

But they refuse to allow us to marry or to continue in our relationship, or to even communicate with each other at all.

Her parents say that I have nothing to offer in a marriage other than my good character and my deen. They say that I have no way to provide for her and that she'd be "lowering herself" when she marries me because she'd have to live in a dangerous area.

However, that's not at all true. I'm not rich, but I am willing to work as hard as I possibly can to provide for us. And my father lives in a dangerous area. I don't live with my father, and I don't plan on getting a home there inshallah. Yet, her parents seem to think that I'd automatically move in with my father when that's not the case at all.

They refuse to listen to her (they yell at her and hit her when she tries to disagree), and they refuse to talk to me. They badmouth me to her but they say "when we speak to him, we won't tell him what we told you." The only way I know all of this is because the Muslimah has kept in contact with me even though her parents have tried cutting off all contact between us.

They refuse our marriage for no valid reason. They only think in terms of their culture and are not thinking Islamically. Allah only cares if the man has good character, is strong in his deen, and is willing to work hard to provide for his family. Masha'Allah, those things describe me. Allah doesn't forbid men to get married simply because they weren't born into rich families and don't have money at the moment.

This Muslimah and I met each other through a High School program. We kept in contact, and have grown very close and have fallen in love. We are both in college, so obviously I have no money now. We have committed some sins together, but Alhamdulillah we have repented and have asked forgiveness from Al-Ghafur (The Forgiving). Allahu `alaam, but we won't commit these same sins again. However, our love for each other stems from mutual respect for each other, mutual care, and from us helping each other grow in Islam (we've gone to the masjid together and read Qur'an together, as well as talk about Hadith and the meanings of the Qur'an together).

Also, my parents are non-Muslim and are not married. Her parents also seem to be judging me based off of their misconceptions about my parents, which is obviously not at all right. My parents are kind people who simply aren't married and don't live together. They are tolerant and accepting of my Islam, and they approve of my relationship with this Muslimah.

So please brothers and sisters, make du'a and ask Allah to remove these negative thoughts and hesitations, doubts, etc. from this Muslimah's parents' hearts. And ask Allah to allow this Muslimah and I to marry each other soon with her parents' blessings and approval.

But in this case, would nikah without the parents' approval be understandable and permissible?

JazakAllahu Khayr.

.mirror.
25-05-12, 04:16 AM
:wswrwb:

Brother, firstly, your interactions with her is not permissible. And, by that I mean, reading Quran together, hadiths together, keeping in contact behind her parents's back, falling in love, etc. It seems you both are still doing some of these things, after repenting. So, just to warn you, you have to cut this. :insha: A Muslimah is not supposed to be keeping contacts with a stranger like this. It's very wrong.

As for the situation, I don't know what advice I can offer, really. If her parents disagree with the marriage, then there's not much that can be done. The options that you do have is: Try talking to the local Imam, preferable the one where her father goes to the masjid. Maybe, they can talk to him and sort this out.

However, do NOT do anything like eloping with her or getting married without the wali.

You also need to realize that this isn't like a movie, where in the end, the guy and the girl end up together. This is real life and we go by and submit to whatever Allah has willed. SO, it might be that she is not written for you and Allah has chosen someone else for you. You have to keep this thought at the back of your mind that you might have to let go off this proposal if things don't work out.

Rely on Allah that He will bless you with someone even better :insha:

Beblessed
25-05-12, 05:46 AM
(we've gone to the masjid together and read Qur'an together, as well as talk about Hadith and the meanings of the Qur'an together).

^I dont understand how is that possible? :scratch:

no girlfriend boyfriend allowed in islam. she is not your mahram and she cant marry you without wali. However you could ask the imaam of the masjid to follow you as your wali and propose again. sometimes parents give respect to scholars especialy if he's well known as good

pray istikhara and and if they stand no is no and they end it, move on with your life
love comes after marriage not before (shaytaan's tricks)

abubakarbristol
25-05-12, 11:06 AM
Firstly, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not allowed in Islam. So stop this immediately.

Your post makes it very unclear on the important steps in arranging a Muslim marriage.

Have you been to her father and asked to marry her?

Have you taken advice on how to do this and how to conduct yourself when doing so from a scholar or your Imam?

If you are going to stand half a chance in marrying this Woman then you need to show that you understand your responsibilities as a husband and as a Muslim man to lead the marriage by example.

Sort yourself out, and then with the help of your Imam or someone he recommends approach her father and be prepared to answer his questions and dispel his doubts.

You state that you are willing to work as hard as necessary to provide for her, this implies that you are not doing so at present, this may be a reason why the Father is refusing to accept you as his daughters husband, along with the relationship outside marriage and other perfectly valid reasons (Islamic in nature) to refuse a marriage.

I am a father of an 18 year old woman and I would refuse any prospective husband who had being seeing my daughter or talking to her behind my back, who wasn't working and who appeared to lack the qualities of leading the marriage Islamically.