View Full Version : Severing ties with a family member

29-11-11, 09:50 PM
Salam brothers and sisters, i badly need some answers about servering ties with a muslim, as Jubair ibn Mut’im mentions that he heard the Prophet (Pbuh) saying; “No one who severs his ties of kinship will enter paradise.”

As far as i am concerned i only have a mother and not a..... I have severed ties with him. There has been much violent clashes in history between me and him. So surly its better for me to just get on with my life and concern on the 5 pillars and other good deeds. This is the way i see it, if a person has strong faith, and does all the good deeds in the world, how does that person go jahanman for severing ties with a family member?

I understand this can easily be a both difficult and easy question. Easy because you can use the quote i used. But please look at my case carefully, if one can abstain from "violent clashes" by ignoring the family member then surly the sins cancel each other out? Cant i just get on with my life, there is now way im ever going to speak to him, have i condemned myself?

29-11-11, 10:09 PM
Wa alaykum salam,

Why have a defeatist mentality about this? You and your father don't get along due to past experiences. Fair enough, that's understandable. It's also understandable that you don't wish to talk with him or keep any communication open as all that seems to happen is it results in some form of conflict. That is also, understandable.

However, perhaps you should change your mindset to such that instead of admitting that for the rest of your life, you will never talk to him and persist in seeing him as a stranger, you have the attitude that one day in the future Allah will make things good between the two of you by guiding you both toward reconciliation? It's not impossible for Allah. So, although you may prefer to keep a distance now (and I don't blame you, as that is a logical move on your part - although one can still wish good and make dua for such a person), it is better to think and hope and take steps (however minor) toward improving the relationship.

In future, your parents inshaAllah will grow old and frail. He'll be weak and inshaAllah your heart will soften toward him.

30-11-11, 12:23 AM
and I don't blame you, as that is a logical move on your part

Yes, to avoid further sinning by cursing at him, resorting to violence etc. is the last thing i want to do, as it is not the right path to becoming a better muslim.

30-11-11, 05:52 AM
Severing ties involve two aspects: one who severs is the starter and one whose ties are severed is at the other end.The former is the mischief maker /oppressor/villain and the the latter is the victim.Allah s.t. knows best.

30-11-11, 02:11 PM
Severing ties involve two aspects: one who severs is the starter and one whose ties are severed is at the other end.The former is the mischief maker /oppressor/villain and the the latter is the victim.Allah s.t. knows best.

Each individual's case is different, i cant blame you for being black & white/ 2-dimensional, because you don't know the full story. What if there is no victim in this? what if this "victim" didn't want to reconcile? Aren't they just as bad as the person who started it?

Oh and heres something extra to think about. My mum keeps telling me behave badly to your parents, and your children will do the same. So really i can only take a partial blame for turning out the way i did. As i see it, my mum is the angel and HE is the devil. Genetically and spirituality it is a battle of my soul, if i do good deeds it is because i inherited them from my mum and if i do bad deeds it is because there inherited from him.

30-11-11, 02:21 PM
i think sometimes you cannot apply general rulings to specific situations. Surely there are situations where it would be reccomended to sever ties with family members, such as situations involving abuse, and mental health etc. I dont know why you dont get on with your dad, but there may be valid reasons for cutting ties.

However i had a volatile relationship with my mum before i was muslim. Since then our realtionship has been much better, because i remember the hadiths about treatment to parents and try and implement them and not fight with my mum, it is a test for me to do this, and inshallah since i am doing it for the sake of Allah I hope to be rewarded.

This could be like any other test or thing you find difficult to implement from Islam.

30-11-11, 02:23 PM
Waleikum as salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

You can't quote the Prophet saws giving a direct and clear instruction on a topic and then attempt to refute same with you own logic. If he saws said the person who severs ties with kinship won't enter heaven - khalas, that's the end of it, you can't negotiate around that.

I asked an imam about this topic generally and here is what I learned. May Allah swt forgive me for any mistake.

You cannot sever the tie completely. However, when someone is not good for your emaan, if you are truly unable to maintain any type of civil relationship with them, you don't have to spend time with them.

There is a hadith (I think) about how you can't keep fighting with another Muslim for more than 3 days. However, if you are not fighting with your father, you don't have to stay in constant contact. However it is not permitted that you avoid them constantly. You must extend salaams at least some times. As to how often, I suppose it might depend on your individual circumstance; I was talking about cousins, you're talking about your father. Different level of kinship. However you should know that I'm a revert and these relatives are non-Muslims - and I STILL can't sever the ties of kinship.

In any event, you can spend less time with him if that is a burden on your emaan, but you can't cut ties completely.

On a personal note, I have a sister that I couldn't get along with. She did a lot of really horrible things to me and others and I have had plenty of justification to cut her permanently out of my life, if such a thing were permissible. However, after 30 years of sisterhood, we've finally come to a place where we can have a conversation without me going nuclear. Basically I'm saying, no matter what someone has done, you never know what the future holds.

Take care.

30-11-11, 02:30 PM
if i do good deeds it is because i inherited them from my mum and if i do bad deeds it is because there inherited from him.

You most likely mean that figuratively and perhaps meant to say you were influenced by each party in the respective ways instead - but we don't inherit the ability to do deeds from our parents. Even with bad influence, we are able to change and gradually undo the effects. It's not set in stone.

You clearly have a firm stance that he is bad for you and him being in your life is not conducive toward good. If it is because of his current behaviour which doesn't seem to change, I can understand why you'd want to be away but if it is due to something that has happened in the past and he has since changed, it's not a good idea to hold a grudge. You should forgive, forget, try to see it as water under the bridge and look toward the future.

30-11-11, 03:08 PM
If this is just a personality clash and you fight because you're just very different people with different outlooks on life, then I'd see it as a very wrong thing for you to break ties over it. In my case, my mother was a huge test for me because we disagree on so many things and she made my life difficult in so many ways, but eventually it was the rememberance of the Islamic rules that helped me to cope much better with those difficulties and over time our relationship has improved alhamdullilah even though we still have a lot of ups and downs. The first steps I took was to learn to try to stop swearing in her presence. I think the second step was to realise that arguing over something petty really wasn't worth it and even if she is in the wrong, I let her think what she's gonna think rather than drag the convo out into a loooong argument in which neither of us will give in and both waste a lot of energy. After that she tended to be a bit less argumentative as well.

If on the other hand your dad was abusive and violent then how can anyone expect you to respect him? Even if you do benefit from distancing yourself from him, I think from an Islamic point of view, just remember that in future, if he ever got a wake up call and regretted his past behaviour, then you should try to be forgiving about it and allow the door of repentance to be open for him. Bear in mind the more you are able to forgive those who wronged you in this life, the more favourably and forgiving Allah (swt) would be towards you in the next life inshAllah (sorry I can't remember where I read that).

In general terms, yes it is haraam to break ties with family but there are exceptions in extreme cases. Even some of the Sahaba (ra) had to fight wars against their own fathers. Just don't allow your relationship with your parents (or lack of one) to impair you in the deen. I'm not sure what to advise cos' I dont' know the specifics. In some circumstances I'd say you should try to stay and work things out with your dad so that even if you're not constantly fighting, there should be a way to at least be civil to each other when you do see him (even if you'd prefer to see him less) but in other circumstances I'd say you'd probably benefit from keeping more of a distance from him and spend that time focussing on the deen and building up your own Islamic personality.

30-11-11, 06:57 PM
Bro, if "90" on your username is the year you are born, you are young. Do whatever it takes to fix your relationship with your father. I don't know the full story, but I do know many people who have lost thier fathers and are filled with regret over actions they did or didn't do while their father was living. Don't forget to make du'a to Allah :Swt: to mend the situation in a way that pleases Him. Just some advice.