View Full Version : Men and womens preference to Marriage
Bash ah Rat
14-05-02, 09:54 AM
Assalamu alaikum
The question was raised:
Another question why do men adore getting married while most women don't?
I think if you see the number of views each thread gets, the ones with the most views are marriage related. This shows that there is a keen interest of the ummah regarding marriage.
What you have to understand here is that the process of marriage has been highly doctrinated with culture and the Islamic rulings have been put aside.
An example that many of you maybe able to relate to:
People (particularly women) are no longer given a choice in relation to who they are going to marry, they are basically told! and if you argue, you are going against the wills of your parents. Whereas Islam says it is up to the individual to decide if they wish to marry a person or not.
As to the preference issue in relation to men and women, the reason here is that (my opinion) men are given more choice and are not as pressured to get married to a particular person and often can get married to who they want as they have that element of freedom to find a suitable partner.
Whereas women are not given this 'freedom' and are therefore forced into marriage against their will and for this reason they do not like marriage.
I think this is the main reason for men being 'for' marriage and women 'against' it.
Please vote if you believe I am right or wrong!
why do I have to post to vote legally
StickyPeas
15-05-02, 12:01 AM
i agree to a certain extent that yes, culture is a factor, but the fact is men dont 'adore' to get marriage. although they might greatly benefit from the advantages of marriage, they tend to see marriage not as a means of adoration but a means of progression- the only way forwarda s they'v tried every other route in life and only thing left to see/experience is married life. that is why we witness so many men marrying at ages 26+.
I sometimes agree with culture but most of the time it is not very Islamic. I’m an Asian Muslim and one of the rituals that are carried out in an Asian wedding is the application of 'haldi' (turmeric mix) on the groom and bride. That is haram in Islam and it is derived from the Hindu culture. Also in eid the youngsters have to salam the elders by touching their feet, which is also haram and derived from the Indian Hindu culture.
In the west, women have more freedom and parents have a better understanding of Islam so they don’t force their daughter/s to wed. I have always gone by my opinion that sometimes sisters are only forced into marriage if they have been misbehaving. Also I see the big difference if a man was disobedient, then he would be taught by parents to stop his actions also tell him that it’s a sin.
Finally I think that women do not want to get married because most of the women now want to have a career and they think that getting married will prevent them from achieving their goals because the husband is likely to stop them or the woman may become pregnant.
i dnt that regarding marriage is only about some women feel tht they'l be restricted in for e.g having a career...but theres also the 'package' tht comes along with marriage..as i'm sure most of u must know of tht by now.
i'm talking about the relationship of the wife with her mother-in-law and sister-in-law(s). most of the time the sterotyped image is of the mother-in-law treated the girl like cr** and of course..she doesnt get any better treatment from her sis-in-laws, and on top of that her husband thinks shes making it all up.. ( :rolleyes: ) these r the things tht probably put most girls off. ok so this may just be a stereotyped image...but its something tht most girls dnt want2 hve2 deal with, AT ALL. plus on the girls side she feels more pressure, than the guy, 2 carry out the duties that she is expected 2 do, both towards her husband and his family, if she fails 2..she gets alot of stick. So considering these things...some women prefer not2 marry.
And as muslim pointed out, some girls would like 2 pursue their careers(after all if u studied for 4 yrs for ur degree, u dnt want 2 sit on it!!) and think tht marriage will be a hinderance..not in tht she might end up getting pregnant ..but tht her husband wont let her pursue it/doesnt agree 2 it.
re:muslim "Also in eid the youngsters have to salam the elders by touching their feet, which is also haram and derived from the Indian Hindu culture. "
Cnt say ive ever done that...touching any elders feet. defintely hindu traditions..as is the entire Pakistani wedding ceremony (except the Walima)
in reply 2 what muslim said..parents who hve 'out of control kids' seem2 think tht marriage is going 2 sort them out..when in most cases..it just makes 2 ppls lives miserable, the kid in question and his/her partner. and its not exactly fair in the parents 'throwing' their problem (being the kid) at some1 else (the spouse) this is probably their way of saying 'if he/she messes up..then u'l hev2 sort it..we've nothing 2 do with it now' wrong attitude or wat?
:rolleyes:
re:muslim "In the west, women have more freedom and parents have a better understanding of Islam so they don’t force their daughter/s to wed. "
Some parents dont seem2 hve a better understanding of Islam...as is probably noticeable by the way some force their kid 2 marry some1 from the same caste or frm the village bck in their homeland. Some parents seem2 4get tht it will be the their kid tht'l hve2 live with the guy/girl..and not them. and tht in these matters the parents hve2 put aside what they THINK their child wants, but rather ASK them. communication breakdown is a big factor when it comes 2parents asking about their child about marriage.
**excuse my use of 'kid'...i cnt help it!!** :)
all threads are very intersting but Ebony please if you could explain more how are the relations inside the house regaridng the mother in law and sisters. The young married couple don't move in thier own house ? they sit with the parents? And what do you want to say by pakistan? its something different which are going there?
Well in most cases the guy stays with his parents..meaning when he gets married his wife stays in tht house, with his family (this varies from couple2couple..some live on their own, depends on the circumstances)
Well..it seems 2 go like this. (this is the case, usually) the mother-in-law for whatever reason, treats the girl like shes her slave..and basically is there to clean the house and fetch after her..even after all tht, all she does is criticise her (for not doing the job properly. if aint it 'satisfactory' get up n do it urself! :rolleyes: ) And the sister-in-laws tend2 backbite...and do the same. its like the Cinderella and her step-sisters scenario
the pakistani wedding ceremony consists of 1st the 'mendhi' which is awfully similar 2 tht of the hindu's, then u hve the actually 'wedding'...in other words, the pakistani muslim wedding resembles the hindu wedding a lot..only difference is the Walima..the hindu's dnt hve that.
Ws
as-salam
the appplication of the mendhi is not haram at all. in fact the prophet said that mendhi can be used to decorate the hands of the bride and it is more swab to do that. but one thing that happens in bengali weddings is the application of turmeric powder mix on the face and body, which is haram because its an hindu tradition. men cannot use mendhi on thier hands except the beard.
allah hafiz
i didnt say it was haram2 apply mendhi..its the entire way that that particular bit of the wedding ceremony is done. with girls sitting there, playing the drums..and singing real loudly..usually in the presence of men.
u must've heard of the theory (superstition more like) tht the darker the henna on the brides hand..the better she'l get along with her in-laws. :rolleyes: ppl hve various ways of getting the henna 2 stain a darker colour on the skin, with the aid of lemon juice and a plastic bag :p
the application of the tumeric varies from ppl 2 ppl, some bengali's prob do it, others prob dont..i know tht some pakistani's do tht 2...not on the actually mendhi day...but b4..its supposed2 make the brides skin glow or something :confused: ..well if u want 2 look all yellow then wat can i say :p (as u probably know some ppl hve this attitude tht fairer is more beautiful, therefore thts y some ppl go2all tht bother with applying tumeric)
Ws
Sallaam
I am going to write from my point of view, which is a Pakistani male (20) who has lived all his life in a 'Western' culture, whatever that means. I have to say that some descriptions about In laws partiularly mother in laws i have found pretty surprising.
Ebony, where are you getting your information from. I agree that at times this can happen and it is often the perception that it is the norm. As far my my own personal experience goes with my cousins getting married and all, it doesn't seem to be like what you described, but as i said it very well may happen.
Anyway, about women mot wanting to get married becuase of the fear that they are going to become a house wife and not being able to experience life (work, friends, holidays etc etc) i have to agree. The men who are like that, which i reffer to as the TPM syndrom (Typical Pakistani Male) syndrom (Sorry to all the Pakistani's who i ahve offended but being one myself its just an observation i have seen in SOME older Males.
Personnaly when the time comes for me to get married (not for a long time yet) i have decided that the person i marry must have interests outside the house (i.e. a group of frieds etc and mroe importanlt have a career and desires of her own what she want to fulfill i.e. but a Ferrari et c etc.
That is jusy my prospective. As for the marriage ceremonies in many Asian (Pakistani/Indian) countries i am still confused about what the purpose os some of the 'rituals are for'. The milk thing, what is the go with that?
Well my thoughts any way
Allah Hafiz
Usmanb
i'm gettin this from experience that various girls have had..the info i gave is not the norm, this only occurs in a minority of cases.
some of the mother-in-laws have this negative attitude of the 'girl taking my son away 4rm me' :rolleyes: i can go on and on..but i think i'l give it a rest. ;)
and yes..we know the TPM syndrome..its well-documented. :p
That milk thing..i dnt hve a clue what that is about! :confused:
oh, one thing i came across...some of uz might find interesting..a man divorcing his wife, coz his parents dont get along with hers. now..whats up with tht? refer 2 the following link.
http://forum.ymuk.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2224&highlight=divorce
Ws
Ebony and Usmanb i am really interested to see how acts the pakistani men in the every day life ,especially in the family life. Please if you can describe more what it means the TPM syndrom and if there is some connection between religion ( sunni ) and that TPM. I read too the soul searcher problem. I believe its a very big commitment to advice your son to divorce from his wife, especially in one arranged marriage.
wel Amal..the TMP syndrome is this:
boys..have their mothers running after them, cook 4 them, wash their clothes...etc and then, when as men, they think that these things r assigned for the women 2 do..so when they get married, they expect their wife 2 be like their 'mothers' and cook and clean after them, whereas they dnt do anything at all..for them 'i work..what more do u want me 2 do?' attitude is often used. :rolleyes:
Usman, being the guy, can give u the male perspective. :)
Ws
Ebony it means when you marry with a pakistani man he expects to act like his mother? but if that is right , if i do exactly the same thing like his mother why should i stay with the mother - in - law? only to cook and clean in her place too? And if both of us we are working why the man think its enough only to work at job and at home don't? is not right at all.
Some of them expect tht..i'm not generalising the entire pakistani male population. as far as the mother-in-law situation goes..its like since the girl is there..the guys mother can 'rest', she doesnt need 2 do the housework. of course i'm not saying tht u shudnt respect her..after all she is ur elder, and ur supposed2treat her the way u wud treat ur own mother...but yeh, some men hve this attitude that his wife shud adhere to the role of housewife..she shud take care of him and his parents.
Amal, not evry1 newly wed couple stay with the in-laws..most often its usually if there is no1 else 2 care for them except the son..so he ends up stayn with his parents..and brings his wife 2 stay there 2. (most often the wife knows of this arrangement prior 2 marriage..so if she has a prob, she cud say)
most often the attitude tht the man works so that is enuff, and he doesnt help out at home, usually applies if the woman doesnt work (and in most of these cases..she doesnt..shes a housewife (stressful job, it aint easy, ppl. dnt underestimate the chores a housewife does :rolleyes: )
But i agree that the man shud help out @home 2..he does live there as well. :)
**i stress Amal..not evry pakistani male has this negative attitude**
Ws
Sallaam
Amal, from a Male Pakistani and the person who bought up the whole TPM syndrome, it is true what Ebony is saying. As for a guys prospective on such a thing, i personally think it depends on where you live and what your parents think.
My personal experience with some other friends is that the male is cradled all the way through life, the mother especially spoiling him and saying that he is so good etc etc, telling all the other mothers that her son is the best at this and the best at that. This may sould like all loving mothers but when it goes to far the child ends up believing that he is so good and that he is the best at everything.
Relating back to housework, a male needs to be strong, and he cannot possibly show any emotions because the Male has to get into a good job and carry the name of the family on with respect. As for the females, its often that the progression of thought is that well its nice if they do a degree and if they do it then when going and approaching someone for marraige the girl will be educated and all. You know to make sure the girl comes up to the class requirements of the males, as we all know if the guys a doctor then the female must also be a doctor.
What i am trying to say is that when a female gets a tertairy education parents (may be a generalisation but anyway) still have in the back of there mind that she isn't going to use it but rather get married and become a housewife.
I think that may answer your question, but remember that all Pakistani males are not like that. Me being one i can spot it from a mile away and it is really really funny, but when you have to speak to one of the huys who has been bought up thinking he's the best at everything it is a simple nightmare.
Allah Hafiz
Usmanb
Thank you for answers. I will see exactly how are the things but still its not a wrong idea to know more about the man education from pakistan . I never been there and therefore i did not know the young married couple stay with his parents. Thank you.
aa
Whether the newly wed stay with their in-laws depends on the circumstances...most often, they dnt. they buy their own place and live there. or live with the in-laws at 1st til they can afford a place of their own
Ws
EVILution
22-05-02, 12:38 PM
Lol, why all this negative sides about the in-laws, I like large families and so hope that when I get married I can look after my mother/father in law, and get their duas, aswell as being a great wife, InshaAllah!
Lol, come to think of it, the conclusion always comes to who your partner is!
lol..inshallah muslim youth, we'l wont have any such probs with in-laws. just pointing out some of the issues that can/ and have arisen.
Sallaam
Why is there been a big concern about the Female and the in laws the guys can have probs with their in laws as well you know :). Anyway, Muslim youth and Ebony, i agree that it all depends on what person you end up marrying more importantly what family you marry into, becuase that is what really happens.
Allah Hafiz
Usmanb
Bash ah Rat
24-05-02, 03:07 PM
Assalamu alaikum
As you know Islam does not preach this paki way of life this has been derived from culture.
The important things to realise here are:
- It is Fard upon you to look after your parents in their old age, it is even been classed as a certain type of Jihad.
- Jannah is at the feet of the mother, meaning a mothers happiness will help you attain Jannah
- Your first, second and third obligations are to your mother with your father coming in at number four.
From this it is quite clear that this TPM syndrome has an Islamic basis to it. I do not agree with everything that goes on but I can understand certain aspects.
I for one inshallah will look after my parents and will ask my wife to help me in this, if she is not then my priorities are with my parents.
F R E S H
24-05-02, 04:04 PM
Mr Bash i think you will find that is PMt or is it PMS post menstrual stress or tension lol !!!!
lol..
u cnt paint all women with the same brush, Fresh :p
Ws
An Equitable Balance between One's Mother and Wife
3/21/2004 7:00:00 AM GMT
Respected scholars of Islam, as-Salamu `alaykum! What is the proper relationship between a man's wife and his mother? What should a man do when the relationship becomes bitter?
Answer
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother in Islam, we do commend your eagerness to become well acquainted with Islam and its teachings, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.
In response to your question, Sheikh `Abdul-Majeed Subh, a prominent Azharite scholar, states:
"Driven by her outpouring of maternal affection and extra care, the mother may think that her daughter-in-law is trying to take exclusive possession of her beloved son. On the other hand, the wife may think that her mother-in-law is dearer to her husband's heart than her, and here lies the problem.
However, if both the wife and the mother managed to understand the actual causes behind this problem, then it may be easily solved.
The solution, in fact, is within reach. The husband should strike an equitable balance and manage to run the affairs on both tracks successfully. The mother should be treated kindly, and the wife should be maintained honorably.
One solution is that the couple should have his own home, as the shared lodging maybe a primary cause of bringing about disputes between his wife and her mother-in-law. `Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) used to advise the governors of the Muslim Ummah saying, 'you would better advise relatives to visit one another, but not to share the same lodging.'
If the son managed to have his own home and run his own affairs independently, he should be kind towards his parents. Such kindness may be expressed in the form of frequent visits, offering presents and sharing meals with them. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, 'Exchange presents so that affection might prevail among you.'
In an attempt to avoid any future disputes, the husband should advise his wife to treat his mother kindly, even if his parents were dissatisfied with her. The husband should be a model in this respect.
If all efforts proved to be of no avail, and the parents or one of them was not on friendly terms with the wife, then the son should be kind and loyal to his parents. If the son managed to handle the situation, and solve the difficult equation among both parties, Allah Almighty will reward him and bless his wife and offspring. Allah Almighty says: 'But if they strive with thee to make thee ascribe unto Me as partner that of which thou hast no knowledge, then obey them not. Consort with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who repenteth unto Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what ye used to do.þ' (Luqman: 15)
He Almighty also says, 'And they who believe and whose seed follow them in faith, We cause their seed to join them (there), and We deprive them of naught of their (life's) work. Every man is a pledge for that which he hath earned.' (At-Tur: 21)"
Allah Almighty knows best.
www.islamonline.com
london bro
14-06-05, 11:04 AM
Its obvious why most men want to get married, regardless of culture. Btw, I am a man so I know.
so tell us then ,why they want to ?
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