Choosing your Partner

[sajid]

Salams

i came across a discussion in chat the other day..about Marriage..

Right you see usually when one goes and searches for a marriage partner..its usually consists of having a wali..

Culturally the games goes like this: both families meet each other one goes down their House etc..They talk and discuss and do whatever..then usually the Girl and Boy they like Talk to each other on their own..usually with someone in between....

Then the final decision is based upon that..usually.......

But come to think about it..marriage is a serious issue and u kinda need to get to know the in and outs of that person before going ahead..

This has been done and happened.whereby a marraige decision is based on a couple of hrs talk...

But is this sufficient?

thing is i know in islam u are not allowed to interact with somoene..on your own..u must have a wali present....!

I wud like to know people methods of choosing partners..it ber interested to hear froma ll backgrounds and cultures especially those that are already married too....and those thinking of.........

Thanks
W/s
Sajid

[EVILution]

Aslaam u Alaikum brother,

Well, I'm a pakistani, so basically I can only give my view from how it goes for us.
OK, I understand where your coming from about getting to know the person very well. Well, I disagree with you here.
From my side it's usually kept in the family, the marriages, but I think that makes it more difficult for us youths. Cos we hang around together so much that we consider each other as brothers and sisters, hmmmmmm, husband/wife will be quite challenging.
So it will be quite nice if the other half was kept hidden, huh.

Waslaam.

[sajid]

Salams

yes i know what u trying to get at...i know all about this Cultural Family relationships...where usually peopel end up marrying their cousins or get sent back home.....to get married..........

I have a friend of mine............whose sister got sent to pakistand and got married....to somoene who was old enough to be his Uncle..reason being i think that guy wanted to come over in UK for a job...

thats also common being used as a passport..i have many people that i know that have been in that situation.......

Thing is that..i think choosing a partner is somethng that must be dealt with seriously and not just a few hrs jobby..but there i ts
limitations too

sajid

[julaybib]

I think there is always a huge element of uncertainty when you are dealing with humans. And we should bear that in mind when we choose our partner. Humans are just too complex to understand, and what looks good on the surface may hide something terrible inside. Even people that can really be classified as perfect might change one day. Allah knows best, and we should consult Him when we make our decision.

I live in a country where boyfriend-girlfriend thing is considered as the normal route towards marriage. Well, I think we all know very well that this is wrong, as the length of pre-marital relationship doesn't correlate well with the survival of marriage.

But I've read in many islamic sites that the best way to get to know your prospective spouse is by contacting everyone who knew him/her well, and has no gain or loss if you two are getting married (thus they're more objective). And most importantly, you should see him/her in person as well because there is a hadith regarding that (so that you don't feel deceived and you may start to like him/her in the first place).

Personally, I think that people should make a list of what they want from their spouse (in an order of priority), and things they dislike most as well, and judge your prospective spouse based on that list. Bear in mind that nobody's perfect (including you!), so that you have to be ready for any deficiencies that surface later on in your marriage, and work things out to iron it out instead of complaining about it. Marriage is not just about love, it's also about commitment. When that love fades away with time, it will be commitment that save it.

Finally, don't mingle with the opposite sex too much (before and after marriage). I remember the sayings of a witty nigerian friend. He said that he grew up eating nigerian food, and he had no problem having that as his only diet. But when he got older and travel the world a lot, he got to know Indian food, thai food, western food, well, other kind of food basically. After that, he started to miss those food once for a while and get easily bored with his nigerian food. The same thing goes with people, the more you know, the more you want. And marriage is actually about eating the same food for the rest of your life. The difference is, things get ugly if you get bored or start tasting other kind of food................:D

[EVILution]

Originally posted by sajid
Salams

yes i know what u trying to get at...i know all about this Cultural Family relationships...where usually peopel end up marrying their cousins or get sent back home.....to get married..........

I have a friend of mine............whose sister got sent to pakistand and got married....to somoene who was old enough to be his Uncle..reason being i think that guy wanted to come over in UK for a job...

thats also common being used as a passport..i have many people that i know that have been in that situation.......

Thing is that..i think choosing a partner is somethng that must be dealt with seriously and not just a few hrs jobby..but there i ts
limitations too

sajid

Aslaam u Alaikum brother,

Oh read your post about girls getting sent to Pakistan for marriage, and well what can I say 'thanks for boosting my confidence', lol.

And Julaybib, your post was funny and gave the right message.

Waslaam.

[Consider]

Peace,

One thing that you MUST do when choosing a partner...istikhara....

Taken from www.islamicawakening.com

applies to sisters too...dont know why the article stated only one gender...hmmmmm

TRUST IN ALLAH


We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.


Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.


Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.


It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."


I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.


Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.


The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.


The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.


The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ".


Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.


When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].


I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].


May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.


"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].
---------------------------

Peace.

[Muslim Sista]

What do people get out of getting married at a young age?

[Bash ah Rat]

Assalamu alaikum

A person can get a lot out of geting married young, but primarily it helps one to remain chaste and away from the haram of this world.

[Ebony]

re: muslim youth

I'm also pakistani and this marrying within the family doesnt happen with us. Basically...its whoever is the perfect match....the person in question is told about their 'possible match' and if the girl/guy is interested the 2 families meet...and if theyre both happy..then its all SORTED!

So it varies from family 2 family....

also..ive noticed this in some pakistanis, they prefer their kids 2 get married within the family..but if theyre not strict about tht,.....then the *match* has 2 be from the same CASTE! really...where has this caste system come frm? its totally un-islamic. (and no..in our family this caste system doesnt exist..though it definetly exists in some of my friends families)
Im sure some of uz know wat i'm talking about :)

By gettn married young..theyre less likely to hve 'illegitimate relations'...and wnt be so tempted 2 seek 'satisfaction' from elsewhere.

Ws

[EVILution]

Aslaam u Alaikum,
Sister Ebony you are so lucky that the usual marriage within the family thing doesn't go for you.

Waslaam.

[sajid]

Salams

is there any like motives for marrying in the family..

i know usually its justified by saying "that we know them more then a stranger"

dont know if thats the case..or what..usually i think the parents..know that their daughter/son is in safe hand..with family..as oppose to stranger!!!

dont know if thats the case

ws
sajid

[Bash ah Rat]

Assalamu alaikum

I dont know of any other reasons to get married in the family but I do know it is recommended to get married out of the family so that you can extend the family, i.e you extend your ties of kinship, which are so important.

[Muslim Sista]

Bro Sajid if you keep changing the picture i swear i'm gonna get mad!
Anyway who says you have to get married in the family, i mean many parents think it's for their childs safety but they don't really know the childs thoughts and feelings, many of us grow up as brothers and sisters and when the parents tell you going to get married to a person you think of as your brother/ sister you are shocked.
Personally I wouldn't dream of marrying a cousins because they are ugly and behave like idiots.
How come the men can coose but the women can't? hmm

[Ebony]

re sajid

somtimes the excuse 2marry within the family may b tht they know them better than strangers...but u never know...it might turn out u dnt know them tht well at all.
Somtimes the other reason is tht...since theyre family they'l try 2b more 'easy going'..wont try 2 cause tht many fights..etc etc..As if ur intention of getting married is 2 cause arguments!! :rolleyes:

re: muslim youth
it all depends on ur family and their attitudes 2 marriage. some families change their views on marriage, simply to make life easier for their kids...somethings r more important, like ur own happiness, self-respect, than wat ppl r gona think if u dnt marry within ur own kind.

ws

[EVILution]

Aslaam u Alaikum brothers,

Hmmmmmmmm, marriage within the family and the reasons behind it,

1! They've seen the boy grow infront of their eyes, thus know him inside out, goods and bads

2! They know that he'll never treat the girl wrong on the basis that she is from the family

3! If anything goes wrong in the marriage, it can be sorted within the family.

Blah, blah.

Waslaam.

[EVILution]

Yeah muslim sister I agree marrying within the FAMILY is harder because me and the cousins we mess about so much as bro/sis, that well there is no chance we can become more.

Hmm, ugly, don't worry sis I'll sort ur marriage out with a good looking guy, huh :D :p

[Naiha]

salaam
well i have to agree with muslim youth on that,
in my opinions i think its best the family arrange the marriage for me, but hey i do think it's nesessary that i get to him from in and out, i can't judge from the outside, maybe he may not be the person i think he is, so it's best to know him from in and out, but one thing me and muslim youth agree on is that its best we don't get told now, we're not ready for any proposals.... when we're ready then we'll think about it...
wasalaam

[Muslim Sista]

Hey calm it! My parents are just getting to a decision about my bro who's 21 and good looking if you want i can change their mind and stick them to you, but then my sister-in-law to be has to be cute not and ugly, spoilt brat.
I'm not planning for a family just yet i need time and space and i'm sure my parents know that.

[Naiha]

well well wel...
i see someones been asked a proposal, well muslim youth i have to say u know i'm gonna be with u in every step and decision u take weather its with muslim sisters bro or........

[EVILution]

Hey, it was a joke, btw I'm good looking, spoilt, never mind about that but you stick with your original sister-in-law, about discussing the marriage thing with parents.

Well, lol, after having red eyes from tears we finally settled that until I'm 20, mariage won't even be discussed, I have the most understanding parents, I love them.

[EVILution]

Originally posted by Naiha
well well wel...
i see someones been asked a proposal, well muslim youth i have to say u know i'm gonna be with u in every step and decision u take weather its with muslim sisters bro or........


Aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh!!!

[Naiha]

don't be offended....................

[Muslim Sista]

Muslim youth you seen yourself in the mirror lately?
And Naiha there is a Gypsy down the road who asked for your hand in marriage

[Bash ah Rat]

Assalamu alaikum

There is a hadith that states that the prophet (saw) said that marriage is half your deen, which stresses the importance of marriage.

[hen]

To the women: What do you look for in a man to marry?

Hen

[EVILution]

Originally posted by Hen
To the women: What do you look for in a man to marry?

Hen

Hmmmmmm, OK, tall, good body (muscular, possibly 6 pac), rich (a woman can't live without a nice car and a mansion), famous and a one woman man, lol, the list will carry on.
Hey, I'm kidding, lol, in reality, I want a husband who is religious, and basically follows the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad(saw), that way he'll be everything, funny, clean, active, romantic, etc. About the looks, I am not too picky, as long as he's clean, cos Allah(swt) made us the way he wanted, and all his creation is the best.

[Muslim Sista]

Well,
1) the amount of money,
2) religion, Someone who follows the sunnah,
3) qualification,
4) looks,
5) Good body,
6) sense of humour,
7) good sense of hygiene,
8) Caring,
9) understanding
10) finally he should know how to control his temper.
So there's my perfect man, even though i ain't planning on giving myself to some stranger:D

[julaybib]

My God! I can never get married if all women wants that! :D

[F R E S H]

I don't know what type of people muslim youth or muslim sister have met but stating that a man they want to marry is clean lol too funny that would be one i thought they would take for granted, i guess we can rule all the BIG ISSUE sellers out of the picture then lol hahahhaaaa i am sure they must be so disappointed !

[AnnaMarie]

hahah you people are too funny.

Ok I have a few questions.Is it really an option for people to marry IN the family??Thats like..incest..but than again thats in my culture my concern with that is isn't there a huge chance that their babies will suffer retardation and stuff because of the genes?

Well me, personally,I am not Muslim so my parenst really don't find me a husband or anything but their opinion weighs greatly on wether or not I would marry someone though.If they don't like him than I'd have to think about it.

Also I am going to agree with Muslim youth on here qaulifications for a man.

mine are
1)ambition/goals
2)finances
3)religious
4)good hygeine
5)GOOD LOOKING (tall dark and handsome :))

[jamila]

In Islam, incest is a no-no. The nearest relative you can marry is a blood cousin. Any ascendent, descendent or sibling is forbidden. Even the siblings of these ascendents and descendents. Also your milk emediate relatives (if you happened to have been nursed by a foster mother rather, as well as, or instead of, your egg mother).
jamila

[Muslim Sista]

Originally posted by F R E S H
I don't know what type of people muslim youth or muslim sister have met but stating that a man they want to marry is clean lol too funny that would be one i thought they would take for granted, i guess we can rule all the BIG ISSUE sellers out of the picture then lol hahahhaaaa i am sure they must be so disappointed !

I'm afraid your certainly not the type as you MEN never clean your rooms, you leave it for your mum or sister's, or your wife (if you get that far which I doubt)

[F R E S H]

Actually muslims sister as we live away from home we have to fend for ourselves, that means do everything cook, clean, iron (getting quite good at it now ) as everything else you associate with running a busy household !

[jamila]

Salaam Alaykum, Muslim Youth!

Akhti! ;) You have a househusband already trained and housebroken! Don't let the chance slip by! :D Ha - ha ;)
jamila :)

[Muslim Sista]

Originally posted by F R E S H
Actually muslims sister as we live away from home we have to fend for ourselves, that means do everything cook, clean, iron (getting quite good at it now ) as everything else you associate with running a busy household !

Why don't you try teaching that to my Bro who thinks he's up on the seventh stage of heaven, when i'm home he expects me to do everything he asks for as soon as he clicks his fingers. Huh can you believe it!:mad:

[Usmanb]

Sallaam

This has turned into an interesting discussion. AnnaMarie, about your quesiton about marrying in the family and incest, as Jamila has pointed out it is Haram and forbidden. There are some people who you cannot marry like your uncles, Aunts, Bro's and Sisters and close relatives like that.

When Muslim sister and Ebony talk about marring in the family, as far as i understand, that it is usually distant relatives (hopefully). My understanding and what i have been told about the whole process is that when the parents consider the child/adult/person is of the right marrying age (whatever that age is) then the family sends out messages and startes to keep an eye out. My mum said that surprise surprise that most families keep there eye out especially on weddings.

When they see someone they ask people about the family and habbits of that person. Then it all starts from there. If its a guy who is getting married then the parents usually tell the boy/adult/male that there is such and such girl, and what they think. If the boy/adult/male says yeah then the parents move fowards and approach the family of the girl.

I know all this becuase i am a Pakistani male (20) and am well aware of what happens. As for the males prospective on marraige, especially Pakistani marraiges, males go through the same motions as females. However, i am assuming that Muslim sister and Ebony may think that Males have more choice than females. Maybee so, but not always.

Sajid, as for your question on chosing a partner there are many 'ways' to do so. As a psychology student i recommend using aspects of the five factor model of personality, The WAIS-3 intelligence test (To make sure they are up to your intellect), a standard neurocognitive test battery (to make sure they have no cognitive deficits) and finally a depression scale as well as a neuroticismm scale (to make sure that they are not suicidal - give the neuroticism test to the possible in laws) :D

Seriously, comming from a happily single male, just make sure you know what you want in a person, list them and ask yourself why you want such qualities. Then, the most important thing is to ask Allah and keep faith in him as he knows us better than we know ourselfs.

Finally, Muslim youth and Muslim Sister, where are you planning to find guys like that if you know what the usual thinh with Pakistan males happens?

Allah Hafiz

Usmanb

[Ebony]

hehe..we hve something in common Bro Usman B..i'm a psychology student 2..so ppl uve got 2 shrinks on the forum! :D

Overall..when it comes 2 marriage..on average females hve much less choice and freedom...if they refuse the offer that theyre parents give..then they're seen as 'rebelling' and 'going off the rails'. And for some reason, the age for marriage for a girl, in some families, seems 2 be less than tht for a guy. But most commonly the age range is in the mid-late 20s.
yeh by marrying within the family i meant cousins..such as 1st or 2nd..or cousins uve never ever heard of! :p

and as far as men/boys not cleaning after themselves...theyre obviously not house-trained..and like living like slobs. :rolleyes:
BUT b4 u start..there r some guys tht r very well house-trained..cook and clean..so there is hope!:p

[Usmanb]

Sallaam

Ebony, Psych Hey? I don't know what the cirriculum is in the UK but over here i am in my third year.
Anyway to the issue of marriage and boys not cleaning up after themselfs, i suppose i am one of those people, but not hard core by any standards. Umigee does heaps of things for me clean my clothes etc etc however, if i ever leave anything untidy well then thats the end of my hearing abilities for a while, as she gets really mad.
As for women being labelled as rebels or only thinking about themselfs when it comes to marraihe (But duh, isn't that what your suppose to do?) i agree with you that there is much more social pressure on women to conform and be good girls and play house wife for the rest of there lifes. Keepig that in mind i think it is a cultural thing , any other members of the forum had any other experience of being pressured into marriage?

Persoanally, i think it is wrong and it is also wrong in Islam, so thats enough reason for me.

Allah Hafiz

Usmanb

[Ebony]

going in2 my 3rd yr soon, Bro Usman

most often all the boys get is an earful 'ur such a slob..blah blah'..whereas if say a girl's room is a mess its deemed as 'unfeminine' as shes supposed2 be neat and tidy. :rolleyes:
lets face it Ammi jee (mother) is much more tolerant of her sons that her daughters when it comes 2 being a slob. and of course, the sons dnt need2know how2cook coz their mum does it for them..whereas even if the mum does cook for the whole house, the daughter HAS 2 know how 2 cook..'it'l be if use2u later on in life' erm..yeh but dnt the men eat as well? wont it b of use2them later on? :confused: So there r alot of cultural aspects 2 these matters...most of the time culture over-rides religion.

erm Bro, y did u start a new thread? u cudve just continued on the previous one

Ws

[Usmanb]

Sallaam

I went to hit the reply button but i think i hit the new thread, thats why i started a new one, well accidently anyway.

Allah Hafiz

Usmanb

[Usmanb]

Sallaam

"hehe so much for wised up brothers...

admit it ur a pandoo."

What are you trying to say exactly?

Usmanb

[Ebony]

just a big of light humour, i;m sure :p

Ws

[amal]

Until now Hen you got a lot of answers at your question. But how look your woman which can become your wife??
For me the most important thing when i will choose a husband it will be the understanding.

[naina]

salam to everyone
i think luv marriages r ok as long as ur parents r happy wiv it but u should remember 1 thing dat if u do arranged marriage an it dont work out blame ur parents but if it's luv marriage an it dont work out blame ur self.

[Ebony]

re:naina
'luv marriages r ok as long as ur parents r happy wiv it ' 'do arranged marriage an it dont work out blame ur parents but if it's luv marriage an it dont work out blame ur self'

if ur parents are happy with the luv marriage then tht surely means they checked out the person who their kid wants2marry, in terms of attitude, personality etc etc..otherwise...they'd b against it. Thats y arranged marriages r carried out..not coz as parents they want their way, and want 2 ignore wat their kid wants, but to ensure tht the match is compatible..and even then if the kid has a problem with it, they can refuse the offer
As far as blaming if it doesnt work out..tht might have nothing 2 do with the fact tht its an arranged marriage or luv marriage..if things dnt work out..then its a problem the spouses have with each other or some other issue they have within the marriage, and not simply coz 'well...this was arranged/love thts y it aint working!' or vice versa.


Ws

[baba]

A live without love? Why, that's terrible!

I believe in truth, freedom, beauty, and above all things LOVE!

(can anyone guess what film the above two sayings come from?)

[Ebony]

erm, no.
y dont u enlighten us, baba? :p

Ws

['Inayah']

haven't a clue baba!

[EVILution]

Originally posted by baba
A live without love? Why, that's terrible!

I believe in truth, freedom, beauty, and above all things LOVE!

(can anyone guess what film the above two sayings come from?)

Your yet young and need to realise that if u look for religion in your partner, InshaAllah the rest will fall in it's place automatically by Allah's will!

[baba]

It came from the film "Moulin Rouge" (the new one with Nicole Kidman in it). The film wasn't all that good, but some parts, especially the frequent bursts into song, were quite amusing...

As for me...

I believe in truth, freedom, beauty, love, and above all things...

ISLAM!

:) :) :)

['Inayah']

I agree with you baba dude!:D

Nothing beats Islam ... not in my mind anyhows!!!

[AbuMubarak]

a muslim must have love of islam uppermost in his heart, or his iman is lacking

[Ayah]

A freind fwd'ed me this story:

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said,
"my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

[Latifa]

heheh :D

[Lateafha]

I don't find the "arranged marriages" and the marriage within the family" Thing so appealing to me personally. I know that it works for some and thats great.

This is why :

Marriage is one of the most important events in a person's life. The person that one marries ultimately affects our whole entire life. It is critical that we have an understanding with that person. One should know how the other person thinks and views this world, and if their views conflict with ours, it will be a problem.


The whole idea of having a love marriage is to marry someone who will help you grow as a person, and this can only be found out if one talks and gets to know the person. Arranged marriages do not allow a person to get to know their mates. First of all, our culture automatically assumes that love marriage is dirty, and that is not the case. Arranged marriage does not allow a person to fully understand how the other person is. A love marriage allows us to do that. Love marriage does not necessarily mean two people living in lust, there should be a mental connection.

I think our parents should trust us and let us make this important decision. I am not ruling out arranged marriages as a whole, but our parents do not know us as well as we do, and keeping this in mind we should be able to make our own decisions.

PS : Most of the arranged marriages last, but its not because the marriage is working, but alot of these people do not have the courage to break it off, because of family pressure.

Thats my 2 cents ;)

[AbuMubarak]

Originally posted by muslim sister
What do people get out of getting married at a young age? depends on what you define as a young age

around 16, thats the time when the body tells you that you are entering a new stage, when hormones move, and you seek companionship from the opposite sex

getting married at that age, to the right person, is a blessing

around 20, thats usually a time of schooling and exposure to the opposite sex, and culturally, marriage tends to be a protection against haram acts

around 25, you have began the entrance of adulthood, and you have plotted out your future, and wishing to start a family

around 30 isnt young

[baba]

Somebody once asked me, "when you getting married man?!" :D

[AbuMubarak]

what did you tell them?

[baba]

I said, "who, me?"

And they said, "yeah, YOU!"

:D

[ze leetle elper]

My all time fave topic once again arises. :inlove:

[nam]

Sallaam

I agree with LAHTEFA here. Marriage is an important part of life, well to some anyway. Thus, we should do our best to make sure we marry the right person. For some its means an arranged marriage, for others it means looking. Each to thier own...

Allah Hafiz

INam ("To be single is fantastic, to be single and married is a blessing" Nam 15/09/03)

[Latifa]

I haven't read all of the posts as I have to minismise my screen at work *cough*. In my opinion we fail to realise that we should choose a partner who has the qualities we want our children to have, this is because such qualities do rub off on youngens and we make more of an impact by leading by example.

*distraught sigh*

Sorry if it has been mentioned.

And this whole "romance" idea enforced by Hollywood MUST go, please people, marriages are not supposed to be like that.

Infact I think the whole reason most marriages do break down IS because people expect some kind of gosh darn epic. People are not prepared for the inevitable difficulties of life.

I've gone off topic AGAIN...

[Lateafha]

why ru coughing latifa? lol Are you alright sis?
I hope that your healthy and well InshaAllah :)

[Ankaboot]

Originally posted by baba
Somebody once asked me, "when you getting married man?!" :D That's the downside to any wedding..
That question crops up way too often..
I'd keep away from weddings to avoid that question, if it wasn't for the food element...

[Ankaboot]

Originally posted by sajid
i came across a discussion in chat the other day..about Marriage..

Right you see usually when one goes and searches for a marriage partner..its usually consists of having a wali..

But come to think about it..marriage is a serious issue and u kinda need to get to know the in and outs of that person before going ahead..

This has been done and happened.whereby a marraige decision is based on a couple of hrs talk...

But is this sufficient?

thing is i know in islam u are not allowed to interact with somoene..on your own..u must have a wali present....!

I wud like to know people methods of choosing partners..it ber interested to hear froma ll backgrounds and cultures especially those that are already married too....and those thinking of.........

Don't know if anyone's really addressed Sajid's main question..
But this topic often reoccurs at chat..
Like it did the other day..

'We're going steady, but we know the limits, we wouldn't do anything Haraam'
'How are you meant to make a life long decison, if you can't find out if you have commonalities between one another? You have to go out, spend time with one another'

Any answers to those kind of comments..

[ze leetle elper]

Originally posted by Ankaboot
That's the downside to any wedding..
That question crops up way too often..
I'd keep away from weddings to avoid that question, if it wasn't for the food element...

Tell me about it. :rolleyes:

That's another point about marriages (esp. in the Asian culture), that even once the couple has been found suitable, then the wedding preperations loom ahead.

Nowadays weddings are more about putting on a show for the guests, than happiness for the newly weds.

And unfortunately most of the pressure to conform to this is from parents themselves. :freedom:

[nam]

Sallaam

ok, yes there is a big emphasis on the wedding and what is for food etc etc, but just think of the large dowry you can get :rolleyes:

Allah Hafuz

ENam ("Hmm, an interesting process indeed" Nam 21/09/03)

[ze leetle elper]

Originally posted by nam
but just think of the large dowry you can get :rolleyes:

That doesn't sound tempting at all. :D

[Khumaree]

Asalaam Alaykum

I think these days youngsters in the west are not taking choosing their life partners very seriously. This is the person you will raise your children with...you better be sure they are the type of role model you want your future children to have. In the west its hard to KNOW a person through others or even themself in a short period of time.

[Rosie]

HI- I AM ALSO PAKISTANI. I HAD BEEN SENT TO PAKISTAN TO GET MARRIED IN THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS AND WAS NEARLY FORCED BY MY GRANDMA EVEN THOUGH EVERY1 THERE KNEW I WANTED TO MARRY SOME1 I HAD IN MIND FROM ENGLAND. THIS IS WHAT I REALISED--
PEOPLE FROM PAKISTAN REALY ONLY WANT TO MARRY SOME1 FROM ENGLAND TO GET IN2 D UK 2 GET A JOB AND SEND MONEY BAK 2 DER PARENTS...
I KNOW THAT AND IT IS A FACT.. BUT THERE WAS 1S A GIRL WHO REALLY REALLY WANTED TO MARRY A MAN FROM PAKISTAN AND HER PARENTS WOULDN'T LET IT HAPPEN... I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY??? THEY WERE RELATED, ETC.....

WELL N E WAY--
WHEN I CAME BAK FROM PAKISTAN, THE BOY I WANTE TO MARRY WENT 2 PAKISTAN... NOW HIS PAREBTS ARE FORCING HIM 2 MARRY SOME2 ELS...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND Y?? WE'R RELATED AND EVERYTHING...

NOW I AM WAITING CURIOUSLY BASICALLY GOING THROUGH HELL 2 FIND OUT IF HE IS MARRIED OR NOT. I MEAN..
HE WOULD NEVER DO N E THING 2 HURT ME.... SO I DON'T THINK HE WILL LET IT HAPPEN...

I AM WAITING FOR HIM2 GET BAK AND ASK FOR MY RISHTAA..


FROM THE DAY I TURNED 16.. MY PARENTS TOLD ME 2 CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO IS RELATED TO ME... I DID AND THEY STILL SAY THAT I DON'T LISTEN TO THEM..

MY GRANDMA ALSO SAYS THE SAME. N E WAY.....

FOR MUSLIM.. YOU SHOULD CHOOSE A PARTNER FROM YOUR RELATIVES. UR PARENTS SHOULD GET 2 KNOW THE PERSON THAT U CHOOSE AND THEN THE PARENTS SHOULD AGREE.

THERE IS NO RIGHT FOT THE PARENTS OR RELATIVES OR FRIENDS OF THE MAN OR WOMAN TO DISAGREE WITH A PROPOSAL, WHEN THE MUSLIM MAN HAS PROPOSED TO A MUSLIM WOMAN AND SHE HAS AGREED.
THE MARRIAGE HAS TO GO AHEAD..

THAT IS ALL I KNOW.

[amal]

Originally posted by Rosie

NOW I AM WAITING CURIOUSLY BASICALLY GOING THROUGH HELL 2 FIND OUT IF HE IS MARRIED OR NOT. I MEAN..
HE WOULD NEVER DO N E THING 2 HURT ME.... SO I DON'T THINK HE WILL LET IT HAPPEN...

Think positive,in love always are involved two people.:) If its true love, anyone never can force him to accept a woman for which has no feeling. I always believed that, cannot accept to ruin your life only to be married, even the parents cannot force him to do that. May be they will try to convince him, talk with him but cannot force him. He is not married;)

[Rosie]

thanks for the advice AMAL-
i am going to start thinking positive from now on because when i think negative-- it starts to control me-- the satan......

he's always making me think negative--