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Muslim Sista
23-04-02, 10:35 AM
salaam,
I think this forum is getting to gory so I'll add a joke i heard yesterday.
There were five ppl in a plane an Italian, English, French, American and mexican. suddenly it was getting a bit too heavy so the Italian man said "God save the Pizza" and jumped out
The English man said "God save the Queen" and jumped out
The French said "God save Effeil tower and jumped out"
the plane was still heavy so the American man says, "God save the Alamao" and chucked te Mexican out. How typical of him if you don't get it look it up.:p
Are you sure that the driver of this unlucky plane is not Arab or Muslim?
:D
EVILution
23-04-02, 10:38 AM
Aslaam u Alaikum sister,
It's such a big shame they didn't include a muslim guy in the plane, oh forgot, he'd probably crash it into the whitehouse, that would have been the American guy's fear. :D
Waslaam.
Unfortunately this post is getting to gory again!
Please do not mention planes in your jokes!!
:p
Muslim Sista
23-04-02, 12:31 PM
Awwwww sorry Bilal i know how upsetting this can be for you!
Get over it! For Allah's sake stop acting like a baby.:D
Mary Carol
13-01-05, 06:33 PM
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Umm Layth
13-01-05, 06:42 PM
A plane is about to crash, the pilot put it on auto and jumps out with the parachute.
now there are four pessangers left and only three parachutes.
the passangers include bush, Pope, brintey and a 11 yr old school boy.
Britney uses her charms to get a parachutes and jumps out.
Bush argues that he is the president of united states of america, if he dies the world will collapse, he takes the parachute and jumps out.
now its between the lil boy and the pope. the pope says, 'I am an old man, you are young you have the whole world in front of you, you take the parachute and jump."
the boy replies, "no, we have two parachutes left, the president of united states jumped out with my backpack."
Mary Carol
13-01-05, 06:52 PM
Why did it take so long for President Bush to react to the news of the Tsunami disaster?
He was looking it up under "s".
dhakiyya
13-01-05, 07:01 PM
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rofl1: @ mariam's joke..... that ones (inshallah!) going to be told in the staffroom tomorrow :D
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
fifty. one to hold the bulb and the rest to turn the ceiling round.
What did the polite Israeli say?
Excuse me, please may I borrow your country?
slmz :)
13-01-05, 07:28 PM
lols i got a joke.
bush!!!! lol!!!!
i got a joke but its not very good:
ahem...
there were 3 muslim youths sitting in the masjid before zuhr salaah, all were clean shaven, wearing western clothes, and talking about worldly matters...
a pious looking brother entered, he had the most luxuriant beard they had ever seen, he was wearing a turban and he appeared to be keeping sunnah. the youths all looked at him and gasped "i wanna be just like him!"
after wudhu the man came to do the sunnah rakats, as he went into ruku he held his body at a perfect 45 degree angle the youths said "look at this man! he must be really pious! i want to be just like him lets go and talk to him after salaah is over!" they all agreed
at that moment the brother, still in ruku turned round and said "im fasting as well" :D
dhakiyya
13-01-05, 07:53 PM
I don't think I get it ...... :confused: ........ is it because he's supposed to be so pious yet talks during salat, in fact he boasts about how pious he is, and obviously was listening to the young men rather than concentrating on Allah?
slmz :)
13-01-05, 07:57 PM
lolzz... my confused sis... i dnt understand it either..lol....
I don't think I get it ...... :confused: ........ is it because he's supposed to be so pious yet talks during salat, in fact he boasts about how pious he is, and obviously was listening to the young men rather than concentrating on Allah?yep
told you it wasnt very good
pls dont neg rep me or ill tell worse ones
and i mean like real stinkers :D
slmz :)
13-01-05, 08:17 PM
looolll!!!!!! ok now thats funni!
dhakiyya
13-01-05, 08:47 PM
yep
told you it wasnt very good
pls dont neg rep me or ill tell worse ones
and i mean like real stinkers :D
I won't neg rep you, but I really like bad jokes, to taunt the kids I teach with if they don't behave :D
like.....
what's brown and sticky?
a stick
What do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk
whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
a carrot
classic.
what is a ghosts favourite dessert?
i-scream
what is a ghosts favourite meal?
spook-etti
why is the banana the most popular fruit?
because of its appeal
the cops came across these two kids. one was eating batteries, and the other was eating fireworks. they charged one and let off the other.
ooooh stinkers
im off to throw up now
A beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a tall block of flats. As she was walking near the edges she slipes and accidentaliy fell of down the side. She was falling and falling and falling thinking, oh no i'm going to die, when all of a sudden a jew leaning over from his balcony caught her. She was so relieved that she said "thankyou thankyou, you saved my life i'll do anything for you" so the jew seeing how beautiful she was said "ok, sleep with me then" and the woman says "oh you filthy scoundrel how dare you" and so the jew says "ok fine then, don't" and he drops her. So now shes falling and falling again thinking oh no i'm going to die when a christian leaning over from his balcony catches her. she says to him "oh thankyou,thankyou you saved my life i'll do anything for you" and so the christain seeing how beautiful she is says "ok sleep with me then" and so she replies "o you filthy scoundrel how dare you" and so the christain replies "fine don't then" and drops her. So now shes falling again and thinking "oh no i' am going to really die now, i should have just slept with one of them, atleast i would have lived" when all of a sudden a muslim leaning over from his balcony catches her. she is so relieved that she says "oh thankyou thankyou you saved my life, i'll sleep with you now" and the muslim says "astagfirullah" and drops her.
(no offence intented to christains and jews, its just a joke)<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not
an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
Here is the story of an Imam who got after Friday prayers and announced to the people:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->__________________
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington DC was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the Maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Several memos were posted about this, without effect. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful instructions, the man took out a long handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers ....and then there are Educators.
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
A palestinian freedom fighter gets caught and sent to jail by the israely army, and his wife is trying to hold his farm back at home together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes, but how can i dig up all that land by my self, with my 2 kids to look after, also when is the best time to do it?"
The palestinian writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the palestinians mail is censored. So when the israelies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is the best time for you to plant the potatoes."
The LAPD (Los Angeles Police Department), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted Imam said "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "
Nasruddin was determined to be decisive and efficient. one day he told his wife he would plow his largest field on the far side of the river and be back for a big dinner. She urged him to say, "If Allah is willing."
He told her whether Allah was willing or not, that was his plan. The frightened wife looked up to Allah and asked forgiveness.
Nasruddin loaded his wooden plow, hitched up the oxen to the wagon, climbed on his donkey, and set off.
But within the short span of a day the river flooded from a cloudburst and washed his donkey downstream, and one of the oxen broke a leg in the mud, leaving Nasruddin to hitch himself in its place to plow the field.
Having finished only half the field, at the sunset he set out for home exhausted and soaking wet. The river was still high so he had to wait until long past dark to cross over.
After midnight a very wet but much wiser Nasruddin knocked at his door. Who is there Asked his wife.
I think it is me, Nasruddin, he replied, if Allah is willing! if Allah is willing!
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Once a person slapped Nasruddin in the street. Later he came back and started to apologize and said that he had mistaken Nasruddin for some one else. But Nasruddin was not satisfied and took tight hold of his collar, took him to the judge and told the judge about the incident.
The judge ordered, "Nasruddin must slap that person to avenge. But Nasruddin didn?t get satisfied. Thus the judge ordered the person to give Nasruddin a gold coin in lieu of the slap. The accused had to go out of the court to bring the gold coin.
Nasruddin waited for sometime. The accused didn't come back.
Nasruddin stood up and slapped the judge on his face and said, "Since I have a lot of work, whenever that person Comes and brings the coin, You take the money for this slap."
One day, for one some reason or another, Mullah Nasruddin goes around to his friend Ahmed's house and asks if he can borrow a pot for a day or two. His neighbour knowing Mullah Nasruddin is reluctant, but eventually agrees as they've been close friends for many years.
The very next day, Mullah Nasruddin returns two pots and explains to the over-delighted Ahmed that the first pot gave birth to the second pot.
A week later, Mullah Nasruddin asks Ahmed if he can borrow two pots. Ahmed immediately agrees – for the obvious reason.
But to Ahmed's dismay, Mullah Nasruddin never returns the pots, so he asks Mullah Nasruddin if he can have his pots back, but the Mullah Nasruddin explains that tragically both pots have died.
Ahmed is incensed. "How can a pot die?" he demands.
"You believed it when a pot gave birth," said Mullah Nasruddin. "Why should you not believe that a pot dies?"
Nasruddin's Car Drive
Mullah Nasruddin and his wife are in their car driving.
Suddenly his wife screams, "STOP THE CAR!!!"
"What is it?" Mullah Nasruddin asks.
"Turn around and go back home!! I forgot to turn off the oven!! The house will burn down!!!"
Mullah Nasruddin kept on driving.
"Why aren't you turning around?"
"The house won't burn down..." Mullah Nasruddin replied. "...I forgot to turn off the shower."
(pakistanis will get that this)Did you hear the one about the first Muslim desi president?
At the inauguration somebody told his mother, "You must be very proud of your son," and she answered, "The president? He's alright. But his brother's a doctor!"<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
One day, one of Mullah Nasruddin's friend came over and wanted to borrow his donkey for a day or two. Mullah, knowing his friend, was not kindly inclined to the request, and came up with the excuse that someone had already borrowed his donkey.
Just as Mullah uttered these words, his donkey started braying in his backyard. Hearing the sound, his friend gave him an accusing look, to which Mullah replied: "I refuse to have any further dealings with you since you take a donkey's word over mine."
An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
One hot day, Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eying speculatively, the huge pumpkins growing on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree. Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! he mused. Imagine letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines! Just then a walnut snapped off and fell smack on Mullah Nasruddin's bald head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said: Oh, Allah! Forgive my questioning your ways! You are All-Wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees!
Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"
well i got nothing better to do sitting here bored at work
some of them were taken from http://youth.ibn.net/humor3.asp
Mr_Jailer
14-01-05, 09:43 AM
I don't think I get it ...... :confused: ........ is it because he's supposed to be so pious yet talks during salat, in fact he boasts about how pious he is, and obviously was listening to the young men rather than concentrating on Allah?
Yep, I got it and laughed, so it worked as a joke Makki :)
Mr_Jailer
14-01-05, 10:08 AM
well i got nothing better to do sitting here bored at work
some of them were taken from http://youth.ibn.net/humor3.asp
Don't stop...
That was sooo funny - thanks you cheered me up on rather boring friday afternoon. salams
well i got nothing better to do sitting here bored at work
some of them were taken from http://youth.ibn.net/humor3.asp
keep'em coming - I'm reading them
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