They Don't Like Him...

[Zainab_B]

Assalaam Alakoum

I don’t know if this belongs in this forum or not, but here goes;

Do things happen for a reason? If its meant to be, will it happen, even though the odds are against it?

I’m asking this because, a marriage proposal that I thought was great has been all but totally vetoed by my parents.

The problem is that the guy in question is such a decent person. I can tell he would be good for me and to me. But my parents’ feel that there is no compatibility – our background, education, looks, everything are inconsistent.

I’ve tried explaining to them that it doesn’t matter to me. That I only want someone who will be good to me and for me, but they say that it is not a good idea.

But he is such a good person – a far better person than I.

What should I do? Should I accept my Parents decision and leave it at that? Or should I fight his corner? Persuade, beg, do something?

[Miss-Neurofen]

Have you tried Istikara??

[Khubaib]

:salams:

Don't "fight out of the corner." It is not a good idea to be intractable and rebellious towards yours parents. I know this is not what you meant but just general advice for anyone else reading.

Try your best to explain to them in the most humble and kindest way that you have x, y, z criteria in mind for a husband and you want to get married "soon" and that this brother is a good fit for you. There is no guarantee that someone that matches all of your criteria and their criteria will come around in a timely manner (not necessarily inshallah but just to get them to accept this brother that you like) and in the end it's your life so you want to make the decision.

It seems like you've done this though more or less. The next step would be to make loads of dua' and try again. But don't give up! Make istikharah again as ms.neurofen suggested and try again. We have our destinies but we don't know what they are so we should continue to make the effort and seek the help of Allah :Swt:.

May Allah :Swt: give you a spouse who will be excellent for you as well as the best in the dunya and akhirah. Ameen.

[PiElle2]

marry your own daughter to a man who will be good to her is not a good idea...? What? Do they rather you marry an indecent man...? What are they thinking? Are your parents decent enough people to even say that...?

I am sorry to have to say that because people tend to get together with people of their same kind.

Ask them what were they thinking the minute they realise they were having you as a daugther...? What future were they planning for you?

Yup, things happen for a reason, esp. when a decent guy shows up, and you turn him away, shows how much you need to change and improve yourself.

It's not that he can't be a good husband, perhaps your parents can't measure up to be good parents in law, that's why they are panicking... ask them how much do they support your marriage... be it your choice or their choice...

OR the biggest reason might be Allah turn him away from you thru your parents...

Dun do anything now, you can try explaining that they should be looking for a man who'll be nice to you, you do not deserve any less than that but dun argue, just maintain being nice. And see how things go... pray to Allah to show you the way.

[Stylish-Girly]

Try persuading your parents but dont ever go against them, their acceptance is a must in order for your marriage to be successful insha'Allah :D

[Bero Blue]

waslykum salam dear sister,

all my prayers for you, may Allha :Swt: help you and guide you to the right choise.

i know how you feel my dear, i've been through such situation, don't show your parents that you are fighting aggainest their wish but show how decent he is and how much sutibal you find him for you.

i know parents sometimes can't see it through daughter/son view, they always have tepical /traditional view they would strict to. few parent may understand how important it is to let their siblings choose therir own distiney of their own life.

i find it selfish from them to think they have all the right to turn you away from your decision.
once again, they are your parent but don't lose a good proposal only to please them. we can please them through all other stuff in our life but it is hard in the decision of marrige.

i know you made Istekhara, keep it up

you may repeat this Dua'a every night:

pray 2 Rakaa and then say :
(رب إني لما أنزلت إلي من خير فقير )
اللهم هب لي من لدنك زوجا هينا لينا ودينا مرفوع ذكره في السماء والأرض وارزقني منه ذرية طيبة عاجلا غير آجل إنك سميع الدعاء
زوجا إنك على كل شئ قدير (and say the proposal name)اللهم ارزقني

اللهم قد قلت و قولك الحق (الله يرزق من يشاء بغير حساب) وقولك الحق (الم تعلم أن الله على كل شئ قدير) و قولك (بديع السموات والأرض وإذا قضى أمرا فإنما يقول له كن فيكون)
اللهم اجمع بيني وبين
and say the proposal name
بالحق وافتح بيننا بالحق وانت الفتاح العليم.

اللهم بحق قولك (فاطر السموات والأرض جعل لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا ) ارزقني زوجا تقر به عيني وتقر عيني به

اللهم إني أعوذ بك من بواري و تأخر زواجي و بطئه وقعودي و أسألك أن ترزقني خيرا مما أستحق من الزوج و مما آمل و أن تقتعه بي و تقنعني و أهلي به

اللهم حصن فرجي و يسر لي أمري واكفني بحلالك عن حرامك و بفضلك عمن سواك

اللهم إنك تقدر ولا أقدر وتعلم ولا أعلم وأنت علام الغيوب والقادر اللهم إن كنت تعلم في
and say the proposal name
خير فزوجنيه و اقدره لي و إن كان في غيره خير لي في ديني و دنياي و آخرتي فأقدره لي

اللهم إني أستعففت فأغنني من فضلك , اللهم إغنني من فضلك فقد قلت و قولك الحق ( وليستعفف الذين لا يجدون نكاحا حتى يغنيهم الله من فضله


my best wishes for you sister. May Allah choose the best for you
and what ever the result is , it is Khair.

Take car,
Bero

[Ebony]

No-one is worth falling out with your parents. This being a prospective as well not even a husband, this dude who is relatively a no-body, no relation, no link - a stranger.

Put things into perspective people.

[shariff2]

Yes it is our faith that all things happen for a reason, and yes they will happen if it is meant to be, against all odds. Look at the life of the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wassallam) for a real example of this.

You should pray to Allah to make your situation easy but do not fall out with your parents over it. As others are saying, you will definitely need your parent's support to make your marriage life comfortable.

Insha Allah there will be others.

Your parents are looking at your long-term happiness, not just what you see now.

If it is meant to be, it will be, but do not adopt the wrong way to make it be.

Why do you have to fight his corner? Can't he fight his own corner?

[MG]

sis before deciding to do anything els,e i would sincerely advise you to do isthikhara because sometimes what we think seems good for us, in the future turns out not to be...do isthikhara and if you still feel as strongly then inshallah try sitting down and talking to your parents, if they are still adamant, then there is nothing much else you can do.

[Chained_Water]

No-one is worth falling out with your parents. This being a prospective as well not even a husband, this dude who is relatively a no-body, no relation, no link - a stranger.

Put things into perspective people.

^^ditto that.

Make istikhara though.. repeatedly.. try to persuade parents.. but don't fall out with them over it.. but they should realise that they have to be reasonable, especially as you are a divorced woman now, you have more a sense of what you need and you should be considered as more capable of making such decisions on your own with them limiting their restrictiveness but just offering their advice, they should treat you more as your own person.

However, if they feel for a number of reasons that you are incompatible, then you should consider that carefully and take on board what they say.. you may *think* things don't matter.. but what if those things did have an impact on your marriage that was negative. ..surely things like background and education will impact a relationship in some ways.. so your parents aren't being difficult for the sake of it, they are obviously thinking of the bigger picture.

[neelu]

It depends; what are your parents' reasons for disapproving of him? In an ideal world we assume if the guy seems nice and pious that should be enough, but is it possible that they see certain traits in either you or him that could cause them to think you're incompatible (and by incompatible traits I don't mean being of a different race or skin colour:rolleyes: but rather personalities and lifestyles being different and that could worry them)? They've raised you and may have some insight on matters which you haven't considered. When young people start to feel emotionally attached to someone, they easily lose perspective and more easily overlook the faults of the person they like until they live together and reality comes crashing down. If their objections are along those lines then they're perfectly valid and you should just make dua for the best outcome for your deen and put your trust in Allah that the best outcome will occur inshallah.

On the other hand, if they clearly have unIslamic views on the matter and don't like the guy based on reasons which CLEARLY stem from jahiliya, then if I were in your shoes I would consider going against their decision but please don't be impulsive about it (although alhamdullilah my parents are unlikely to do that). After dua istikhara, take your time to consider your options carefully. After marriage you'd want to have children and every woman who has a baby thinks first and foremost about wanting her mother to be with her no matter how good her husband is. Risking your relationship with your parents can cause you to pay a very heavy price emotionally so you really have to be sure he's worth it before taking such a big step. Btw, as you're a divorcee, you don't need your father's permission to marry but it's MUCH better to get married with parental approval as I'm sure you know upsetting parents isn't a matter to be taken lightly.

[Zainab_B]

Thanks for your replys.

Im trying to look at it this way. What happens, happens for a reason. Hopefully, a good reason.

I really hope so. I realise that it my Parents come before everything else, but sometimes I get so very lonely and upset at my predicament.

Oh well, I pray that Allah guides me, along with all of you, to that which is good for me, Ameen.

[Astraeus]

sis before deciding to do anything els,e i would sincerely advise you to do isthikhara because sometimes what we think seems good for us, in the future turns out not to be...do isthikhara and if you still feel as strongly then inshallah try sitting down and talking to your parents, if they are still adamant, then there is nothing much else you can do.
Here is a very good thread about it:
http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=147459

[PiElle2]

sis.... actually, it's ok to pursue what we want in life, just have to be sure we will be responsible for the results that come with it.

being lonely is of course not a nice feeling, but that's the best and most precious time we can spend on ourselves... make good use of this time before life gets too busy, and you'll say you have no time... LOL

[Te'oma]

If it was my daughter getting married I would realize that differences in backgrounds don't necessarily matter that much and I might test her to see if she really wants this man ie if she's willing to stand up to me over him.
In the same token, your parents might have more discernment of people then younger people(it's something that comes with time and experience usually) so they might be saying no for a valid reason like they are seeing something in him that you don't but they don't want to back bite him.

[nadzz]

Asaalam

Inshallah all will fo well for u sister,

Amin

[PK Aali]

u aint allowed to get married wivout a wali, so if dey dnt like him - listen to dem - dey ur parentz afta all and dey know wotz best 4 ya!!

[qalandarbaba97]

Do things happen for a reason?
Yes

If its meant to be, will it happen, even though the odds are against it?
if it is a fixed destiny, then yes.


my parents’ feel that there is no compatibility – our background, education, looks, everything are inconsistent.
In the beginning, these things don't matter. Love is 'blind'. Later, what matters is the compatibility of mind. If love is strong, people do compromise. One should take the opinion of elders into account.


What should I do?
Istikhara, meditation, consultation

Should I accept my Parents decision and leave it at that?
There's no guarantee for both the choices. My personal experience is that sometimes, 'impossible' becomes 'possible'. Secondly, i believe that marriages are arranged prior to one's birth.

[PK Aali]

^ they are arranged/decreed 50,000 years before ur born mate lolz

[Ebony]

Actually she's a divorced woman so she doesnt require a wali to re-marry

[PK Aali]

proof?

[Ebony]

Do a search, you'll find it discussed to death on here and everywhere else

[qalandarbaba97]

You are free to believe whatever you like mate :)

[PK Aali]

lol dat means u aint got proof, quit beating around da bush n dat initttttt!!!!!!!!

[Ebony]

~snore

I aint about to spoonfeed you the info; you aren't children :rolleyes:

Time you all acquainted yourselves with the basics

[PK Aali]

WoTeVa

[*hijab*]

if u belive thats hes a realllly good person and right for you...try to explain it to ure parents...

but dont push it b coz its best to marry sumone that u n ure parent r happy with...ull feel much better marrying sumone that ure parents adore as well as you :up:

[insomniac]

sis did anything come of it?