Want undivided attention

[APM]

Assalam Alikum,

I would like to hear what others think of this.
Ok the problem is my husband likes talkin to me while he is working on the computer or watching something on tv. Or while playing a game. I dont like divided attention. I feel like i am making all the initiative to talk and he just replies which gets very frustrating and annoying. I want him to atleast spare 1-2 hours of talk time with me over maybe tea or somethin. But he just wants to come home from work and then sit on the computer and tv!.
I feel so ignored. I have talked to him so many times about how i feel. He says he just has to be doing something or else he gets bored! BORED OF ME!
One idea that came to mind was if we go outside he wont have his computer but its hard getting out of the house everyday just 2 talk.
I feel like he has a second wife (Computer + tv) which takes away all his attention. I Dont like talking to a person when they are clearly busy watching something or playing a game!

MY SOLution: Just dont talk 2 him anymore. I told him i will make his meals and anser him when he asks something but otherwise not talk. HE is not that happy about it. He wants me to talk while he is browsing the net or watchin tv on the computer.

What do you all think/??? are the brothers on the board liek this with their wives at home also??
How do i get him more interested in me? It feels like i am the needy for attention one in this relationship! and i hate this feeling!
please Help your troubled sister!

[lao tzu]

Greetings, APM,

Returning discomfort for discomfort is a losing strategy. It's too likely to spiral into something far worse. Are you newly married? Communication is a habit you two have to develop, and it's worth while to make a little extra effort. Yes, even if it means a little extra cash. Your marriage is the largest investment of your life, and it's worth spending some money on shoring up its foundations. To improve your communications, I'd recommend a relationship counselor. I'm sure you can find one who will be acceptable to your faith. Good luck to you.

As ever, Jesse

[`asiya]

:wswrwb: well Allahu alam but i would advise to wait till he winds down from work a bit when he gets in, best to not launch in a full assault of how was ur day/his day as soon as he gets through the door. ( hes probably had to talk at work all day) and then maybe while ur cooking he can chill with his tv or computer. do u have a dinner table ? when food time comes turn off the telly and sit down and eat together have a chat about your day etc. or failing that get a computer too and u can msn him :D naa im joking , maybe u could have a set couple of nights a week where u go out together to eat doesnt have to be expensive local halal chicken place or kebab shop or whatever and spend some time getting to know each other properly insha Allah. how about attending some islamic talks together, go down the masjid together attend the salat with him at the masjid insha Allah u will be able to chat with sisters there too afterwards and insha Allah u will both feel better for it .

most of all dont let it get under your skin sis marriages have split up for a lot less, just shaitan attacking and his favourtie work for the shayateen is to break up a marriage audu billah, insha Allah things will improve ukhti, let him know how u feel calmly and try to take steps to change it rather than just talking about the problem all the time, and most of all try to be patient with each other insha Allah .

may Allah ta ala ease ur difficulties between u and bring u together amin

[.: Anna :.]

don't just stop talking to him, i think it will make it worse.
going outside is a good idea, u can ask him to take u for a walk. it doesn't matter if not everyday, at least if he will agree to go once or twice in the week it will be an improvement for you. he could feel like he is doing something as well as just talking, because he will be having a walk which gets some fresh air...
about the computer and tv etc. i think u need to get a balance. try to understand if he enjoys those activities then after long day @ work maybe he wants to relax in those activities for a bit. so try not to make him feel guilty or moan @ him too much.
if he can sit and eat with u and talk without any other distractions at that time that would be good, then after that let him do some of the activities he wants without complaining too much and it may be a comprimise for you both. like try not to be tooo pushy about it and dont make extreme solutions like stop talking to him, which will make the situation worse for u both

[PK Aali]

so why cant u talk to him whilst he is watching tv/using comp?

ur being silly if u ask me. making a mountain out of a molehill.

[carol_au]

Sis I've heard of sisters whose husbands shut themselves in a bedroom and stay there all night on the computer.. if he is wanting you to talk to him whilst he is doing those things.. you are more blessed than some sisters.

maybe he is using it as a means of finding things to talk to you about.. if you are newly married.. or recently married it can sometimes be a little difficult finding subjects that interest you both.. if he is browsing the net try and join him in his searches.. sit with him and if he is looking at the news, read it with him and talk about it together.. if he is looking at sport sites and you don't understand the game.. ask him to tech you the rules of the games. If he is looking up islamic sites.. read them together

Even the television is a time to snuggle up close to him and show him you enjoy being close to him. If you don't like what he is watching, maybe do a hobby whilst he is watching tv.. if he wants to talk about what is on the tv and it doesn't interest you .. tell him, but talk about something.. anything. it's possible again he wants to talk, but doesn't know how to .. so if you sit with him and initiate an interesting topic insha'Allah you will find his interest will move from the screen to you.

[PiElle2]

sorry sis, your husband is a man, not another female who will chit chat with you over a cup of tea and biscuit...

[LastFriday]

That is very RUDE of him. You should not cook him any food.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

Assalam Alikum,

I would like to hear what others think of this.
Ok the problem is my husband likes talkin to me while he is working on the computer or watching something on tv. Or while playing a game. I dont like divided attention. I feel like i am making all the initiative to talk and he just replies which gets very frustrating and annoying. I want him to atleast spare 1-2 hours of talk time with me over maybe tea or somethin. But he just wants to come home from work and then sit on the computer and tv!.
I feel so ignored. I have talked to him so many times about how i feel. He says he just has to be doing something or else he gets bored! BORED OF ME!
One idea that came to mind was if we go outside he wont have his computer but its hard getting out of the house everyday just 2 talk.
I feel like he has a second wife (Computer + tv) which takes away all his attention. I Dont like talking to a person when they are clearly busy watching something or playing a game!

MY SOLution: Just dont talk 2 him anymore. I told him i will make his meals and anser him when he asks something but otherwise not talk. HE is not that happy about it. He wants me to talk while he is browsing the net or watchin tv on the computer.

What do you all think/??? are the brothers on the board liek this with their wives at home also??
How do i get him more interested in me? It feels like i am the needy for attention one in this relationship! and i hate this feeling!
please Help your troubled sister!

I personally think you shouldn't have told that him you will stop talking to him ...if you had just stopped without telling him he probably would have initiated it himself. So just start talking to him again and he might reply in the usual way and then you could stop initating all the time...and he will think I want to talk to her ..and will most likely initiate it himself.

Other suggestions that have been mentioned are also good..maybe you could try and do things together as well....like going for walks...where his attention won't be on something else.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

For those who don't think it's a big deal...it is a big deal actually when a man doesn't give attention to his wife nor spends quality time with her.

[Kal-El]

Just tell him this, take initiative

[miss-islamic]

^She did? He said he gets bored just talking. :torture:For those who don't think it's a big deal...it is a big deal actually when a man doesn't give attention to his wife nor spends quality time with her.

Yeh, just like men want respect, women want love. Primarily in the case of marriage.

[OBL]

divided attention or undivided as long your getting attention.

[Kal-El]

I hate when people on the phone do this aswell. I always just hang up

[HiBiScUs]

Try the going out thing, arrange a time for you both to go out to a park or something in the weekends, and then you should have his full attention, or maybe you could discuss how you feel with him fully, and let him know that you are not happy, and that you would love it if he could spare some time to talk to you without distractions, even if its for 20mins, its better than nothing, so if you set a time to do this, once you start talking I doubt that he'll say 'your 20mins is up, let me get back to the computer', so you'll probably end up talking for ages and ages. Then before you know it, it will become natural to him, inshallah.

What you've got to remember is that men are far less talkative than women, also their talking manners are different, they think its perfectly fine to grunt phrases to each other whilst watching sport/playing games, and thats 'conversation' to them.

Will remember u in my duas, inshallah.

[angel*]

I hate when people on the phone do this aswell. I always just hang up


:S, is it really that bad 2 do that?


Im not sure what else to add, just about every1z said anything i wuld have suggested...take them up on them and iA your hubzy will make more of an effort as he should be doing! :torture:

[APM]

Assalam Alikum,

Thanks people for your replies. To answer a few questions.
I have tried setting a time like someone suggested say 20 min. But the problem with that is that as soon as the time is up he says time is up and goes back to his computer!. So in the end i am left feeling horrible because i feel i am forcing him 2 spend time with me.
Going out to eat is the only time we really get to talk. We talk in the car and at the restaurant. But as it costs we cant go out to eat every other day.
As for walks (its free) and i totally would love it because we would be walkinga and talking but HE absolutely hates walking in parks and stuff.
SO that we cant do . I have given up on asking him to walk in parks.
I just want some time alone with him like some quiet time where we can talk and i can feel close to him. Outside at a retaurant when so many ppl are around it just doesnt feel the same.
The only time when i feel really close to him is right before we sleep because he has the computer off and the tv 2. Its so peaceful and then i can talk and he can pay attention . BUT after a few days of doing this he said "i keep him up" that he wants 2 go 2 sleep right away. or maybe after 5 mins of talk. Sometimes he even pretends hes sleepin just so i stop talkin.

NOTE: i am not a chatterbox,. My friends and family feel i am the quiet one. SO if i am talking to him then u can understand its not like i am eating his ears off.

Family background : He said in his family his parents always fought and never really talked as such or with the kids .
My family : mny parents spent lots of time talkin to us and among themselves. Liked walking and outings.

SO i know its the background maybe playing something ?

[Umm_Hanzalah]

Just tell him how you are feeling sis......tell him you want to spend more time with him without him being on the computer or whatever...talk about things of interest to him, try to grab his attention by dressing up for him, talking about things he's interested in (even if it's boring to you), ask him about those things, then you could talk about other things as well.

[miss-islamic]

Assalam Alikum,
<Family background : He said in his family his parents always fought and never really talked as such or with the kids .
My family : mny parents spent lots of time talkin to us and among themselves. Liked walking and outings.

SO i know its the background maybe playing something ?

Yeh, give that he is a man and this, remember to try not to take his talking-deficits personally. And if all else fails, there is always your friends to talk too. Best to not pin all hopes on ones spouse and have a life outside of ones marriage. :)

[muslimah85]

I hate when people on the phone do this aswell. I always just hang up

absolutly.

Its must be the worst habit anyone can possess when they talk to another whilst on the phone, one wonders where they learnt their manners.

I hang up, its annoys the hell out of me Uuurgh.:mad:

[Fairy]

Assalam Alikum,

Family background : He said in his family his parents always fought and never really talked as such or with the kids .
?

Ask him if he hated that and why would he want that for his kids? He needs to make a change!

[summer786]

*ahem*

leaves thread.............

[Treasured Soul]

sis ... i read this some of this thread during the day and was unable to reply but i was going to suggest talking before going to sleep when the computer and tv have been turned off ...

but perhaps ur pushing him too much ... start off slowly ... like 10 mins of talking before sleeping and then slowly increment that rather than talking for an hour or 2 before bed every night ...

U say ur the quiet one in ur family ... but thats relative to ur family, whom btw are very talkative themselves .... and he comes from a fairly quiet family so that would make him more quieter than u ...

For some ppl. particulalry those that have been very quiet most of their life finding talking hard ... i do ... i'm very very quiet ... unless its natural, i feel very uncomfortable .. perhaps he feels the same ... so he's more comfortable when watching tele and browsing the net ... and talking when he has to rather than just sitting there for 2 hours trying to make convo ...

Or perhaps he finds the stuff u talk about boring :o Is the same old usual stuff day in and day out kind of stuff? I possibly woudnt know what to talk about for 2 hours even if it was my hubby :( I would prefer his method, watch tele together or browse the net and when something comes up to talk about, talk ... rather than forcing talk ...

Like the other members have said, just back off and let him take the initiative ... men normally come around when they think they are not ur center of atttention anymore :rolleyes:

and finally, he's a man! wat do u expect!

[muslimah85]

why the hell should a wife put 'aside' time to talk to her husband? is it a marriage or a professional relationship? that totally distorts the entire ethos of a marriage and relationship?

Any hubby or wife not being able to give ones spouse the time of day .... says a lot :eek:

[sister_hood]

i know exactly how you feel sister, no actually your probably a lot better of then me,
My husband has a second wife but his second wife talks back, the phone. I barely get a few sentences in before the phone goes off. but Allhumduallah things have sorted themselves out now.

first of all accept your situation as it is not how you think it should be. we hold to many expectation of one another and try and make this dreamy relationship when there is no such thing.
just do little things to draw attention to yourself, without saying you want undivided attention. it takes a long time to build a relationships up, to be really interested in the other partner. If you think how much we know our parents siblings and then think this other person comes into our lifes and he/she should be the most important person but it takes a long time, it took my marriage 5 years for us to be truely happy.

try once a fornight or once a week to cook a really nice candlelit dinner really make it special. let him sit on the computer after work for a few hours to wind down, while you go pamper yourself, get dressed up, and put the dinner out on the table / floor or anywhere away from the tv and computer, and when things are laid out he will probably see the effort you are making.

I don't think eating out really gives you quality time cause its not really personal.

go for a drive (get an icecream and eat in the car)

sister sometimes when we realise something about our husbands we focus so much on it that we forget everything else, we feel that this is the worse thing and our relationship is going in differnt ways. but if you really take some time and ponder on your relationship and forget for a mintue the talking issue, you will probably find some many comforts about your husband that have been clouded by this issue. just try and picture yourself without him. that will most definatly make you see how much you do have and not what you don't have.
inshallah

Wasalaam

[PiElle2]

I hate when people on the phone do this aswell. I always just hang up


sorry to side track, tot i need to address this to our dear bro here.. are you going to be like that if you have a telemarketing job...?

[Songbird]

How do i get him more interested in me? It feels like i am the needy for attention one in this relationship! and i hate this feeling!
please Help your troubled sister!
Lingerie works.

[Rasema2008]

Assalam Alikum,

I would like to hear what others think of this.
Ok the problem is my husband likes talkin to me while he is working on the computer or watching something on tv. Or while playing a game. I dont like divided attention. I feel like i am making all the initiative to talk and he just replies which gets very frustrating and annoying. I want him to atleast spare 1-2 hours of talk time with me over maybe tea or somethin. But he just wants to come home from work and then sit on the computer and tv!.
I feel so ignored. I have talked to him so many times about how i feel. He says he just has to be doing something or else he gets bored! BORED OF ME!
One idea that came to mind was if we go outside he wont have his computer but its hard getting out of the house everyday just 2 talk.
I feel like he has a second wife (Computer + tv) which takes away all his attention. I Dont like talking to a person when they are clearly busy watching something or playing a game!

MY SOLution: Just dont talk 2 him anymore. I told him i will make his meals and anser him when he asks something but otherwise not talk. HE is not that happy about it. He wants me to talk while he is browsing the net or watchin tv on the computer.

What do you all think/??? are the brothers on the board liek this with their wives at home also??
How do i get him more interested in me? It feels like i am the needy for attention one in this relationship! and i hate this feeling!
please Help your troubled sister!

I wouldn't stop talking, it would just make it seem like you are his servant or something, however, why don't you pick up a hobby??? That would help both of you....maybe he just needs his time with the comp & tv, then when he misses you, he will come to you by himself...also, when going out together, there is always time to talk, some men just need their time alone (but not really alone!) - Question: Have you asked him what he does on the comp all day???

[Songbird]

Probably on Ummah.com under a pseudonym.