Innocently Undependable

[Abdul Vakil]

As-salaamu 'alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakathu,

I'm new to this community and have joined in hopes to attain, in'sha'Allah, spiritual support, beneficial advice and perhaps new friends. And so with those beautiful opening salutations, I greet each and every one of you.

After a vigorous, but failed, google ransack for a helpful, marital advice article specific to Muslims (and my situation), a very weak light bulb, barely 20 seconds away from being compeletely powerless, miraculously glowed in blinding splendor suggesting I could find a Muslim forum with a marriage section to address my issue. Alhamdulillah!

I'm a loving husband and father of 2. I realize the whole "loving husband" bit seems generic, but truthfully the love, appreciation and affection I have towards my wife is immense. I'm quite grateful and unceasingly thank Allah for her and my family, a true blessing.

She, I know, shares the same sentiments. However, her feelings for me are staggering lately and most likely compromised, due to my impeccable ability to consistently let her down. It's not every once in awhile or seldom that I fail in some way to satisfy very basic request of hers, but practically all the time! Seemingly, it never fails. Examples:


She'll ask me to pick up specific items from the store and I'll forget 1 of them (if I'm lucky)
She'll call me at work, ask me to grab her a diet coke from the cafeteria before leaving... I'll forget
She has to remind me about oil changes (demasculating?)
Anytime she has a question that begins: "did you remember to..." my answer normally supervenes: "Ya Allah, no, I'm sorry..."


The list could go on. But seriously, it's not that the mistakes are detremental. In fact, they're pretty minor. The problem is that they are abundant, persistent and very annoying. It's to the point now I'm infuriated with even myself. She's been so patient with me, so dedicated and supportive. And somehow I always manage to UNWITTINGLY disappoint her and I think now it's reached a point where she's preparing to give up on me. When she critizes me, I feel she's within her right and I can't help but agree with her. But she's beginning to get the impression that these forgetful mishaps are indication that I don't care about her or that I'm selfish. I fear that my idiocy is endangering our marriage.

I could seriously use improvement in this "following through with promises", "meeting deadlines" and basically "remembering to do" department. I make du'a to Allah and I try, but what can I say... I'm an idiot. I described myself as "innocently undependable", but essentially that's just a candycoated phrase for idiot. I remember as a kid having always marked on my progress reports: "easily distracted". Perhaps, this still is the case with me as an adult.

If any sisters can relate to having to tolerate a husband possessing similar shortcomings, and think you may have advice for me, by all means. Even better, if you're a husband who has improved in this area, if you have any tips or suggestions... do share.

Jazak'Allahu khair, brothers and sisters in advance for merely taking the time to read my concern and for any support you may provide.

[AbuMubarak]

its not the end of the world, it should not be a strain on your marriage, you are forgetful, thats pretty much it

you probably have a host of things to do and "household" issues dont rate high on your list

should you do better? yes

but its not that big of an issue

if she knows you are like this, she should adjust accordingly

(i am the exact same way)

[arefa]

Asalamu alaikum

Just like to say akhi no one is perfect in this dunya we all have flaws, and to say or call yourself an idiot is a bit extreme, as time to time we all make mistakes even if we repaeat them a zillion times, your wife i know is mashallah enduring her patience with you, but i always say a marriage is a full time job, and takes alot of hardwork to make a marriage work. i would advise you too maybe write things down if she asks you to get things for her, in this way you wont forget, you can only try to better your self and change is usaully slow so dont be harsh on your self. mashallah you have a good marriage and love her alot so dont let the shaytaan intervene and let him get the better of you. talk to your wife about how you feel, reassure her how much you love her and if you do forget to do things for her, she wont think the worse that you dont care for her no more, as she will feel secure enough for her to get rid of that thought. i think its part of a mans fitrah that from time to time he will forget to do things or say things to the wife as life is hard for one these days with lifes pressures, but i firmly believe that you must make her feel loved and the best thing or gift rather you can give to your wife is thru the tounge, be an artist in your compliments, and inshallah she will know the nxt time you forget to do something she will know that you love her deepley. and these matters wont intervene in your marriage, and lastly i ask you to make dua to allah that he showers love and mercy between you both, and that he changes you for the better inshallah. but dont be too hard on your self.
wasalamu alikum:up:

[RashidD]

1.) Pray Tahajjud and make du'aa that ALLAH helps you in these matters. Or don't wait till tahajjud, make du'aa As Soon As Possible.

2.) Do you carry a phone? Each time she tells u something, jot it down on there and check it before you go home to make sure you got everything. Or carry a diary/ notepad.

[PiElle2]

i think this happens to everyone... we should not be upset if someone genuinely forgets something. but if you are affected by your own forgetfulness... there are a few ways to handle it which i do myself sometimes:-

1) when it comes to going to the shop, always count the items you are supposed to get with your fingers, raise your hand, and say the number, it will help the brain to register. if not, write it down. then when at the shop, you'll know you are short of something if the items you buy dun add up to the number. call your wife if you still forget.
2) as for chores, write notes and place them at prominant place (eg. fridge door or main door) so you can see. ask your wife to remind you.
3) before leaving office, make a point to call your wife and ask her if you are supposed to bring anything home.
4) be honest with your wife, tell her you can get forgetful when you are busy and ask her to remind you.

for all the things you forget, make up by bringing her a surprise gift or doing something special for her. and tell her you are making up for the things you forgot.

hope it helps.:o

[Chained_Water]

Read lots of salat and salam on Rasool Allah (saw)

From sunnipath:

Read the following 10 times a day. It is a very effective dua for acquiring good memory and not to suffer forgetfulness:
First recite verse 79 Sura Al-Anbiya Juz 17
Fa fahhamnaha Sulayman wakullan aataynahu hukmaw wa ilma.Wa sakkharna ma�a Dawuda wa�l-jibala yusabbihna wattayr wakunna fa�ileen.
Then read the following:
Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyumu Ya Rabba Musa waHarun waNuh waIbrahim waIsa waMuhammadin Sallallahu alayhi wasallam Akrimni bi jawdatil hifdhi wasur�ati fahhmi, Warzuqni hikmata wama�rifatal ilmi wa thabat- dhihni wa�l aqli wa�l-hilmi bi haqqi sayyidina Muhmmadin Sallallahu alayhi wasallam Ya Rabbal Alamin.
O� Living, O� One Through Whom All Subsists, O� Lord of Musa, Harun, Nuh, Ibrahim, and Muhammad, honour me with good memory and understanding, Bestow me with wisdom, true knowledge and a firm intellect and mind with the blessing of Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace).
One of the most importing things is to avoid sins, and if you do commit a sin, one should perform two rak�ats of Tawba and ask forgiveness from Allah and the same each time.

Also one of our scholars told us that every morning get a glass of water, mix in honey [a few spoons] and recite Fatiha seven times over it.. drink up.

Also I've read verses 25:28 from Surah TaHa.. also there is something about improving memory here (http://www.askimam.org/fatwa/fatwa.php?askid=558bc4418d2164f7dedb08d3071e7a7d) too.

[nomoreillusions]

Carry a notebook. When she asks you to do anything or get her anything, write it down. Check the notebook a few times a day to ensure you haven't forgotten anything.

However, since writing a thing solidifies it in your memory much more than hearing or even repeating a thing, then writing it should also help you remember it without having to look. :)

(as the other half of a forgetful partner, I understand how frustrating it can be to feel on some little level that you really can't rely on your partner. But I also know he tries so very hard, and I'm sure your wife is just as understanding also.)

[Treasured Soul]

yes i agree with the above ... we are all humans no one is perfect ...ur very forget full ...

make lists in notepad or diary ... if its urgent, i usually write stuff on my hand, just a word that will remind me later on :o

And perhaps ur wife could not give u too item to remember that are not urgent till u learn to overcome this forgetfulness (if its possible) i.e. things like diet coke ... so u can concentrate on getting items for say like dinner instead ...

Also doing thing straight away is best for ppl who forget (me included!)
again take the coke example, as soon as she asks then take a break and make ur way to the cafeteria and pick it up and place it with the things that u would normally take home :)

I'm the same ... my forgetfullness had more to do with the stress that i was going through and its starting to improve again, alhumdillah ...

perhaps theres a cure for u too :up:

make plenty of dua and ask allah swt to improve ur memory ...

I also have this book .. holy book of remedies ... its at home at the moment but I'm sure i read in there once dua for memory ... I wil try to post that for u tonight from home Insha'Allah ...

and dont know if this works or not but u could try soaking about 7-8 alomnds in water overnight, take the skin off, which will easily peel off by morning and eat them on an empty stomach ... suppose to help with memory :)

[Abdul Vakil]

Wa'alaikum as-salaam, my beloved brothers and sisters. Jazak'Allahu khair, again. All the responses were extremely helpful, encouraging and dully noted. Heck, I'm even writing down "WRITE IT DOWN!" The time has long come for me to break this forgetting cycle.

As goes my being so harsh on my self. Please excuse me. Repeated mistakes have a knack for subjecting me to such a self-defeating attitude. In'sha'Allah, I'll improve. I have to keep full trust in Allah, subhana wa ta'ala, keeping in mind that on no soul does He place a burden greater than it can bare.

Shukran and Barak'Allah for all of your input.

Wa'salaam!

[Astraeus]

:wswrwb: Akhi,

I cannot add much more to what the other brothers & sisters have suggested, but I can relate my own experience. Even though I feel like I have a pretty good memory, I still write things down, sometimes repeatedly, and place them in 2 or 3 locations. I may have a list, but I will put a reminder in my car, or below my monitor, or even in the opening of my footwear. Whatever it takes NOT to forget something important, insha'Allah. May Allah (SWT) make it easier on you to remember. Ameen

:salams

[dhakiyya]

There are techniques that you can learn to improve your memory for this kind of things... try searching google for it maybe? I think you can buy books on this kind of thing. The general idea is that you use visualisation to memorise things, instead of just thinking of a list of items, so you're using a completely different and more effective part of your brain. This can really help even the most forgetful people remember a lof of stuff they never thought possible. Its good for fact learning for exams and stuff too.

Also, people who are constantly pre-occupied - whether with worries, or just because they are an imaginitive person who is constantly thinking and imagining (usually without intending to, it just happens) tend to be forgetful because the brain is otherwise occupied. Actually if the imaginitive thing sounds like you, then the visualisation techniques should be really effective for you inshaAllah, because a strong imagination = good at visualising - and these techniques should help you make the most of that skill and put it to something useful, and you'd be using a strength to overcome a weakness.

And never forget the value of paper and a pencil!!

[Ebony]

Nature of men's lazyness.

Seriously most men are like this but thats besides the point and doesn't excuse it either. The other person can feel as if they're an insignificant speck of dust when these kind of, albeit small, things happen. When someone asks you to do something they are trusting you to get it done, rely on you. When they have to chase you they feel they've ended up instructing the other to do it- therefore reducing them to a child (which is of their own doing for not getting it done in the first place)

At least you've noticed the effect of it. Try to make these things a priority, keep it in your mind, write it down or when asked try to do it as soon as viably possible so you don't forget later and its over and done with at the same time. Its leaving it off that leads to forgetting.

[miss-islamic]

Aww, this is cute. A guy wanting to change for the better for the sake of his wife and marriage. Half of the problem is solved just by admitting you have one and wanting to change. Kudos. :up:

[.: Anna :.]

brother if this is your worst quality then it is not too serious. masha allah it is not something soo bad, and plus u want to improve on it. so i'm sure your wife will not make this a major issue. as people suggested try things to improve memory, and also write the things down. as u know this is a problem for u, write everything on some paper and before u come home just check u have done the tasks? if u forget some of them i dont think ur wife will hold it against u, afterall u are not doing nothing all day right, i presume u will be busy working to support ur family? if u try to make sure u do put some effort to remembering, then im sure she will forgive u when sometimes u forget. as she knows it is a problem for u mayb u can ask her to call u when u are about to leave work n come home, and jst ask u again the things she wanted u to bring. dont worry toooo much about it. make dua that Allah will improve ur memory and help u become more reliable in these things. but really its not a huge issue, so dont feel so bad about it. many husbands are doing worse things than forget to bring the stuff from the shop

[Abdul Vakil]

Also, people who are constantly pre-occupied - whether with worries, or just because they are an imaginitive person who is constantly thinking and imagining (usually without intending to, it just happens) tend to be forgetful because the brain is otherwise occupied.

And never forget the value of paper and a pencil!!

Barak'Allah feek. I'm not quite the daydreamer, but I'm certainly pre-occupied. Primarily with worries, as you've mentioned. But I can work it out, in'sha'Allah.

I definitely got the support I anticipated, Alhamdulillah! The feedback was far generous and helpful than expected. I now have a pocketable notebad, an organizer and a nifty notes/alarm feature on my cellphone all set to go. I pray that we all extract the best out of each fitnah with which we're confronted. Ameen.

[`asiya]

1.) Pray Tahajjud and make du'aa that ALLAH helps you in these matters. Or don't wait till tahajjud, make du'aa As Soon As Possible.

2.) Do you carry a phone? Each time she tells u something, jot it down on there and check it before you go home to make sure you got everything. Or carry a diary/ notepad.

:wswrwb:as bro RashidD said make alot of duaa ask Allah ta ala to improve ur memory insha Allah, and ask Allah to help ur wife understand, and tell her what u said here, that ur just so sorry and u wish u werent so forgetful what u have said here should be enough for her and insha Allah ur wife might just realise this is just the way u are. so ur a little forgetful no big deal insha Allah, really its not, a man could have far worse traits , she might just end up smiling and say thats my husband, and love u for it regardless.

if u both have mobiles, just ask her to txt u whatever it is she needs, and then u only have one thing to remember ,always check the list on your phone before u go home :up: insha Allah it may help

may Allah ta ala strengthen ur memory and give ur wife sabr and strengthen ur marriage amin.

[dhakiyya]

Barak'Allah feek. I'm not quite the daydreamer, but I'm certainly pre-occupied. Primarily with worries, as you've mentioned. But I can work it out, in'sha'Allah.

I definitely got the support I anticipated, Alhamdulillah! The feedback was far generous and helpful than expected. I now have a pocketable notebad, an organizer and a nifty notes/alarm feature on my cellphone all set to go. I pray that we all extract the best out of each fitnah with which we're confronted. Ameen.

MashaAllah I'm glad you found the advice here useful :up: