if wife dont wants to stay with her husband

[aamir007]

Dear brothers and sisters please read this and answere me .this is matter of my whole life and about the future of 3 of us , me ,my wife and my innocent dougter .

Me and my wife fight always ,we got married before 16 months . since last 3 months when ever we fight she always say ,give me divorce , give me divorce , and I always tell her that I will not because with this divorce our life will become like a hell and think about our daughter who is still only 5 months of age.and when I got fedup I use to say her , bring your family members here and we will decide something about it . But she never listen to me .she is a working lady and she like to go out ,I refuse to send her to the parties from her office site .and she doesn’t like that .
She even don’t like me to to go out once in week with my school fellow and she know that I have only one friend and use to go with him for movie only . while im in cenima she use to call me to check where im .and for the whole week I stay with her , one eveing I go with me friend and the next full day ( Friday ) I spend with her , we go out , we go for shoping or go for dinner .and even I don’t go all the week ends with my friend I go every other weekend . but still she is not happy with that and say why u go with your friend .. ?

I use to tell her to stop the work and sit at home to take care of our daughter but she said I will not leave my job but I can leave u . she said I can not leave my job at any cost .
She use to share all quarrels in between us ,with her office fellows ( men and women ) and with her parents .
And when I get to know that , I told her that this is not fear , u can talk to your parents but u should not share all of these with the unknown men of your office . and she said I will do that ,do what ever u can .
Before 15 days we had a fight in the car when me and her were coming back from the office . again she said that mr. falan said that take injection for your daughter . I said , please I don’t need advice from any one of your office fellow for my daughter , she is my daughter and I know what should I do , she said he said this in kindness for our daughter , and I said no , no body can be more kind for my daughter more then me .. they give kindness to u so u keep it for u but don’t bring it for my daughter. And she get angry because of that man that why did I say bad about that person . we started fighting . and at the end she said
I don’t want to stay with u , I need divorce now , divorce me now ,, both of us was angry
I don’t wanted to divorce her this is why the sentence I said in my language its means was “ I will divorce u “ I said once and then again I repeat it . because I hade no intention to divorce her otherwise I could say her : go – I divorced u “ but I did not use that word.
But suddenly she called her parents and said .. that he has divorced me . and I hared three times ..
Then one matawa came to our home and he said .. that she has listen three times so its mean it is divorced .. I told him that I have said 2 times and I don’t mean that .. I hade no intention otherwise I could say that u are divorced but he did not gives any attention to my words and sad she hared three times and u are not sure the u said third time or not but u could remember that u say two times but she is sure that she hared three times so this is divorced ..
I told him that we will go to the court because the last decision will be from court .and matawa said yes actually u must go to the court because as per me this is divorce but u must see the court .
The same day she left my house and took my daughter with her. inthese days i met with my dougter only 3 times becouse she dont allow me to see my dougter .some time she dont pick the phone ,some times she say u must sign the papers if u wants to take your dougter for one or two hours and i take my dougter she take the pictures that i need proof that u took her .she make movive for that .now when ever i call her to see my dougter she dont pick the phone and she dont answere my sms as well .
Then I went to the Islamic court .i told them this is what happened and the judge said this is not divorce , they gives my date after 10 days .. and they called her as well and told the date ..
Then yesterday was the date for the court . before yesterday the court gives us a reminder call and and both of us agreed to reach to the court ..
When I reached to the court and wait for her .. and then the judge give her a call that u did not reach here she said im sick and I can not come .he asked ok tell me when u can come ,, she said I don’t know
And then yesterday evening I found her that she was in the office and she was not sick ,
And then in the evening she went out with her family and came back at 12:00 midnit , she went out for outing .
Before the court date three days continuously me and my wife spoke on the phone .. and she did not talk to me nicely and she said that I have told to every one that this is divorce and now when judge will say that this is not divorce , how could I stay with u , how I will face these people in my office and my relatives .. I told her that when it is not divorce then why u gona have the problem .. u are still my wife .. Islamic and legally .. but now after all that I found that she have no love in her heart for me even 1% and she don’t wants me any more … now I am 100% sure that she is doing all that because she might has found some one else . so she wants to get red of me and she don’t wants to spend her life with me ..
Our main problem of fights was ..
1- when ever we fight , she don’t respect me and she had a long tong .. she always stick on one point until I agree for that if I don’t agree she keep figting and keep this things in her heart .and on next quarrel she raffer that quarrel as well .
2- she always claim that I should take a separate home infect before marriage we hade talk about it and she was agreed to stay with me in my parents house .
3- I told her to stop work and stay at home to take care of our daughter but she don’t do that and said that I will leave u but I will not leave my job at any cost
Infect before marriage she was agreed that she will sop working when her brother will start working .
In last three days I have told her that u always says that u need to stay in a separate house so im agreed for that , ( once she told me that if u will keep me separate then I will leave the job but u give me 3000 dhs fr my pocket money .i told her that I will give u may full salary than u run the house.but she was not agreed for that as well) , so I told her ok im agreed . I will take a separate house … but u must leave the job , because I feel this is the only way to save our house but she said no .. I will not leave the job at any cost .then i diod not insist her for the job as well becouse i feel ok let her do the job as well but we must stay togather .

Now from her behavior I under stand very well that she don’t wants to stay any more with me and this is why she did not came to the court as well , now brother and sisters , please tell me what should I do , because I really love her but since last 15 days she left my hose I could not see even one sign that proves me that she loves me and she have any wish to save our house and there is no sign that she need me any more .
I tried till the end to save my home so in the coming time of my life I would never have this point in my mind that if I tried once my be she could come back to my life, may be she is waiting my call and she will listen to me if I call her , so for that before 3 days I gave her a call and explained her every thing and told her that I need u and my baby and our house where u ,me and our baby will be staying ,.. and I can do anything to keep our self stay together .and I don’t wants to loose u at any cost .but still her reaction was the same and she said no , I don’t wants to stay with u .and we are already divorced so I cant do any thing ..
She knows very well that this is not divorce but still she is insisting on that ,this is why she did not came to the court .

[`asiya]

:salams brother please contact http://www.islamic-sharia.org/ they are very good imams insha Allah and very helpful and they can advise you better than any of us here could, may Allah ta ala make all your affairs easy and bring peace between you and your wife.

on a practical level try to be very kind and patient with your wife, and reassure her in every way that you love her and you want the marriage to work, and it is very early in the marriage to think of divorce and every couple go through difficulties adjusting in these early years, and make her see that you dont want to divorce her because you love her and tell her youre so sorry that things have been this way between you, and insha Allah her heart will warm to you again.

make a lot of duaa too that Allah ta ala soften her heart for you and bring peace between you, believe akhi that the hearts are with Allah ta ala, and it is Allah who will bring you a solution to this very difficult time you are having. Trust in Allah ta ala that he will bring you what is best for you, may Allah ta ala soften youre hearts towards each other, and place love and mercy between you both amin!

[um_omar]

I am sorry to blunt but your wife clearly does not want you!! Why do you want to be with someone who does not?? It always baffles me, even if it is for the child sake, I still do not understand theses issues as my pride comes first.

[PiElle2]

sorry bro... sounds like your wife is too 'bend' to be straigthen... or too 'hard' (like stone) or 'blinded' to try to talk to her now... the first few years of a marriage is always the toughest and satan's always disturbing... he won't give up until he separates the married couple, and leaves a broken home... terrible as it may sound but so true... you can ask any new couple...

it would help if your wife's pious and prays but doesn't sound like she does... so instead of fighting with her... you should be patient with her... pray for her and your daughter and may Allah gives you strength and guide her back to the right path...

[Danniella]

This post sounds very similar to another one posted a while back...:rubeyes:

[Mumtaz]

Salaam alaikum akhii
:( too sad to hear that ur wife wanna broke her house an marriage, u dont need to explain her that what u was saying its not "dalaq" cos i think she know that very well otherwise she will come to court to find out the Islamic opinion.

Brother u have to move on and think about future with ur daughter cos u wife dosent want u anymore, u lost ur wife dont lost ur daughter too dont let her saparate u from ur daughter, this is too harsh but u can black mail her by saying to her GIVE me my daughter then i will give u the RIGHT divorce u want? and see what she say. Mybe she will think well after that atleast i hope so.

May Allah make her heart soft for u InshAllah

[turquoise]

Salaam,

I remember this guy. The last time he posted, he was angry because she moved her gold jewelry to her parents' house without asking his permission.

this is too harsh but u can black mail her by saying to her GIVE me my daughter then i will give u the RIGHT divorce u want? and see what she say. Mybe she will think well after that atleast i hope so.

Wow. Seriously, wow. I'm actually speechless.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

There is always her side of the story, which we don't know.

However, I don't know why you would want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with you. She obviously must feel she is justified in whatever she's doing...

It seems like there has a been a lack of communication between the two of you within your marriage. I wonder if you really know why she doesn't want to be with you, have you ever tried to REALLY listen to her?

Why did you get married to her in the first place if you knew she would be working (and it wasn't something you wanted)?

[bint]

quiet frankly that woman has an attitude problem and a massive one too. did she WANT to marry you? get down to the bottom of it.

[turquoise]

Salaam,

This guy's story changes a lot. In his first post, he said that he couldn't afford a separate house, even with his wife's salary. Now he says he can afford it without her salary. Well, ok, maybe he got a big raise or something. But then we have this:

i told her that I will give u may full salary than u run the house.but she was not agreed for that as well) , so I told her ok im agreed . I will take a separate house … but u must leave the job , because I feel this is the only way to save our house but she said no .. I will not leave the job at any cost .

Maybe because, as he said in his first post on the subject, they can't afford that on only his salary? Just reading between the lines...

I'm skeptical of any post where one spouse relates a story (from their perspective) where the other was in the wrong, because there's usually more to it. But even when he tells it himself, this bothers me:

she said that mr. falan said that take injection for your daughter . I said , please I don’t need advice from any one of your office fellow for my daughter , she is my daughter and I know what should I do , she said he said this in kindness for our daughter , and I said no , no body can be more kind for my daughter more then me ..

That's a very immature response. I don't know what the medical issues are (if any), but rejecting advice based solely on dislike for the person giving it is the mindset of a child, not an adult. Obviously the wife (the child's mother, incidentally) thought it was a good idea in it's own right, or she wouldn't have mentioned it.

From his first post, we know that his wife has been asking for divorce for at least several months. She's not here to explain or defend her reasons, but I'm getting an understanding of what they may be. Maybe all the technicalities weren't followed perfectly, but I can certainly understand why she got tired of waiting. In Islam, women should be granted divorce if they ask for it, not kept against their will.

For those who are advocating him taking custody of the baby, keep in mind that this whole time, he's wanted her to stay at home and care for her full-time. She did not go from 'great mom who would be an even better mom full-time' to 'unfit to care for a child' in the past few weeks. As far as I know, the wife iniating the divorce does not affect her custody rights, particularly if there are sound reasons for it. If someone has evidence saying otherwise, please post it.

[Zesty]

Sheesh turquoise, instead of harping on about how he cant keep his story staight blah blah blah.. maybe you should give him constructive criticism and maybe give him ideas and ways in which he can rescue his marriage!

What exactly is he doing wrong? All he wants to do is provide for his wife and family and would rather she didnt work and not work particularly in a mixed environment from what i can gather. Most muslim men would want the same thing.. whats so wrong in it?
If anything it seems they cant communicate their problems to each other because he may be going about it the wrong way and she seems to stubborn to compromise and sacrifice.

You do realise saying something like,"In Islam, women should be granted divorce if they ask for it, not kept against their will," is quite a big deal. Women do not have the right to divorce for certain reasons like they get over emotional and are impulsive. Now im not saying that if there is a major reason for her asking for divorce then she shouldnt but divorce is the most disliked thing by Allah (swt). It is said that the Throne of Allah (swt) shakes every time a muslim couple get divorced! And here you are saying such a thing so easily. What about encouraging him to try and listen to his wife (which granted you did), to try and be patient with her, by fulfilling certain of her rights (without him having to compromise on him looking after his parents! that is his duty. His Jannah lies at his mothers feet, whereas the wifes Jannah is her husband)! They have been married a short time, have recently had a baby- maybe she is stressed and feels her husband doesnt try hard enough with her- if this is the case then we should be motivating him to work harder at his marriage inshaAllah! Wouldnt we wish the same for ourselves and our family/friends/sisters in Islam?

We dont know the whole story- so we have no right to judge or pass comment on the actual situation or what they should do as a couple. Its a sad situation but something they can try and overcome inshaAllah or just call it a day if theres really nothing more that can be done. It takes 2 to tango and i agree- we dont know her side of the story and some things he says are inconsistent,at this point- i dont think its relevant entirely.(Im not trying to have a go at you but alot of times you have come across really harsh and patronising, even in your posts in his other threads. Whether he is telling the full story or not- from what we do know, we should try and give the best advice we can. People only come on a forum with their problems cos they really are distressed).

As for Aamir- dont go speculating that your wife wants to leave and go because she is interested in someone else! La hola wala quwata, as muslims we are not meant to be suspicious of each other and we are meant to be finding excuses. This isnt anyone youre talking about- it is your wife! You need to sit down and talk to here seriously. Ask her to tell you exactly how she is feeling. Remain calm and try sort this our for your daughters sake inshaAllah. If she cant talk to you, ask her to write down what she is feeling.

I pray that Allah Ta'ala guides your marriage and resolves the issues between you both! May He instill love, rehmaa and understanding between you, may He soften your wifes heart towards you and may He enable you to fulfill your duties and responsibilities as a husband. Ameen.

[ibn Iyaaz]

Sheesh turquoise, instead of harping on about how he cant keep his story staight blah blah blah.. maybe you should give him constructive criticism and maybe give him ideas and ways in which he can rescue his marriage!

What exactly is he doing wrong? All he wants to do is provide for his wife and family and would rather she didnt work and not work particularly in a mixed environment from what i can gather. Most muslim men would want the same thing.. whats so wrong in it?
If anything it seems they cant communicate their problems to each other because he may be going about it the wrong way and she seems to stubborn to compromise and sacrifice.

You do realise saying something like,"In Islam, women should be granted divorce if they ask for it, not kept against their will," is quite a big deal. Women do not have the right to divorce for certain reasons like they get over emotional and are impulsive. Now im not saying that if there is a major reason for her asking for divorce then she shouldnt but divorce is the most disliked thing by Allah (swt). It is said that the Throne of Allah (swt) shakes every time a muslim couple get divorced! And here you are saying such a thing so easily. What about encouraging him to try and listen to his wife (which granted you did), to try and be patient with her, by fulfilling certain of her rights (without him having to compromise on him looking after his parents! that is his duty. His Jannah lies at his mothers feet, whereas the wifes Jannah is her husband)! They have been married a short time, have recently had a baby- maybe she is stressed and feels her husband doesnt try hard enough with her- if this is the case then we should be motivating him to work harder at his marriage inshaAllah! Wouldnt we wish the same for ourselves and our family/friends/sisters in Islam?

We dont know the whole story- so we have no right to judge or pass comment on the actual situation or what they should do as a couple. Its a sad situation but something they can try and overcome inshaAllah or just call it a day if theres really nothing more that can be done. It takes 2 to tango and i agree- we dont know her side of the story and some things he says are inconsistent,at this point- i dont think its relevant entirely.(Im not trying to have a go at you but alot of times you have come across really harsh and patronising, even in your posts in his other threads. Whether he is telling the full story or not- from what we do know, we should try and give the best advice we can. People only come on a forum with their problems cos they really are distressed).

As for Aamir- dont go speculating that your wife wants to leave and go because she is interested in someone else! La hola wala quwata, as muslims we are not meant to be suspicious of each other and we are meant to be finding excuses. This isnt anyone youre talking about- it is your wife! You need to sit down and talk to here seriously. Ask her to tell you exactly how she is feeling. Remain calm and try sort this our for your daughters sake inshaAllah. If she cant talk to you, ask her to write down what she is feeling.

I pray that Allah Ta'ala guides your marriage and resolves the issues between you both! May He instill love, rehmaa and understanding between you, may He soften your wifes heart towards you and may He enable you to fulfill your duties and responsibilities as a husband. Ameen.

and as a son Thuma Ameen

[turquoise]

Salaam,

Sheesh turquoise, instead of harping on about how he cant keep his story staight blah blah blah.. maybe you should give him constructive criticism and maybe give him ideas and ways in which he can rescue his marriage!

I did that in my first response to his previous post. Other people said the same things, probably more nicely, and he seems to have made a point of ignoring them.

What exactly is he doing wrong? All he wants to do is provide for his wife and family and would rather she didnt work and not work particularly in a mixed environment from what i can gather. Most muslim men would want the same thing.. whats so wrong in it? If anything it seems they cant communicate their problems to each other because he may be going about it the wrong way and she seems to stubborn to compromise and sacrifice.

Crying 'poverty' as an excuse for not providing basic essentials (like a house), and then turning around and demanding that his wife quit working, is just silly. I'm sure there's plenty of blame to go around, but she's not the one posting here.

You do realise saying something like,"In Islam, women should be granted divorce if they ask for it, not kept against their will," is quite a big deal. Women do not have the right to divorce for certain reasons like they get over emotional and are impulsive. Now im not saying that if there is a major reason for her asking for divorce then she shouldnt but divorce is the most disliked thing by Allah (swt). It is said that the Throne of Allah (swt) shakes every time a muslim couple get divorced! And here you are saying such a thing so easily. What about encouraging him to try and listen to his wife (which granted you did), to try and be patient with her, by fulfilling certain of her rights (without him having to compromise on him looking after his parents! that is his duty. His Jannah lies at his mothers feet, whereas the wifes Jannah is her husband)! They have been married a short time, have recently had a baby- maybe she is stressed and feels her husband doesnt try hard enough with her- if this is the case then we should be motivating him to work harder at his marriage inshaAllah! Wouldnt we wish the same for ourselves and our family/friends/sisters in Islam?

There's a hadith where the prophet (saws) orders a man to divorce his wife, though he doesn't want to, just because she doesn't like him. The rationale is that it's too easy to commit haram by failing to fulfill the rights of a husband she doesn't like. I don't have time to look up the references, but it's well-known - Insha'Allah I'll post them later. Most scholars also accept women putting the right to divorce as a condition in the marriage contract. Do you really think a woman should be forced to stay married when she doesn't want to, regardless of the reasons?

As for what I'd like for myself... if I'd been asking for a divorce for months, and it became clear he wasn't going to give me one, sooner or later I'd get fed up and do it myself. I would, of course, have reasons for doing that, and I'm sure she does too. I bet we can all guess what they are. I would hate to think of any woman (or man, for that matter) that I care about being forced to remain married to someone they didn't want to be married to, for whatever reason.

(Im not trying to have a go at you but alot of times you have come across really harsh and patronising, even in your posts in his other threads. Whether he is telling the full story or not- from what we do know, we should try and give the best advice we can. People only come on a forum with their problems cos they really are distressed).

Hypocrisy and idiocy annoy me, and I call it like I see it. I'm not the most emotional person, so I'm not one to talk about how he should be more understanding after she had a baby, etc., etc. That's probably true, but I'll leave that area of discussion for those with more expertise.

The advice he received from his first post was almost unanimously the same as mine (though probably phrased more nicely), and his response was effectively 'never mind her rights - mine are the only ones that matter!' Knowing that's his attitude colors my perception of anything he says about his wife, and makes it difficult to be sympathetic towards any of it.

The bit about her having found someone else was a nice touch, too.

Advice based on an inaccurate description of the situation isn't too useful. Everyone saying his wife is wrong might make him feel better, but I don't see how that helps anything, especially when what he's described here is very different from his own description of the situation a few weeks ago.

I know you're not having a go at me, and I wouldn't be offended if you were :) Bluntness can be off-putting, but sometimes it's useful. If you post something controversial on the internet, there will be people who tell you you're wrong. That's life.

[Kal-El]

If you can't solve your marriage problems and have to come here, explaining in detail how strongly your wife wants a divorce then maybe you should give her a divorce? If she is unhappy then she can initiate it all - there is no compulsion in a marriage you are not happy in

[MG]

Dear brothers and sisters please read this and answere me .this is matter of my whole life and about the future of 3 of us , me ,my wife and my innocent dougter .

Me and my wife fight always ,we got married before 16 months . since last 3 months when ever we fight she always say ,give me divorce , give me divorce , and I always tell her that I will not because with this divorce our life will become like a hell and think about our daughter who is still only 5 months of age.and when I got fedup I use to say her , bring your family members here and we will decide something about it . But she never listen to me .she is a working lady and she like to go out ,I refuse to send her to the parties from her office site .and she doesn’t like that .
She even don’t like me to to go out once in week with my school fellow and she know that I have only one friend and use to go with him for movie only . while im in cenima she use to call me to check where im .and for the whole week I stay with her , one eveing I go with me friend and the next full day ( Friday ) I spend with her , we go out , we go for shoping or go for dinner .and even I don’t go all the week ends with my friend I go every other weekend . but still she is not happy with that and say why u go with your friend .. ?

I use to tell her to stop the work and sit at home to take care of our daughter but she said I will not leave my job but I can leave u . she said I can not leave my job at any cost .
She use to share all quarrels in between us ,with her office fellows ( men and women ) and with her parents .
And when I get to know that , I told her that this is not fear , u can talk to your parents but u should not share all of these with the unknown men of your office . and she said I will do that ,do what ever u can .
Before 15 days we had a fight in the car when me and her were coming back from the office . again she said that mr. falan said that take injection for your daughter . I said , please I don’t need advice from any one of your office fellow for my daughter , she is my daughter and I know what should I do , she said he said this in kindness for our daughter , and I said no , no body can be more kind for my daughter more then me .. they give kindness to u so u keep it for u but don’t bring it for my daughter. And she get angry because of that man that why did I say bad about that person . we started fighting . and at the end she said
I don’t want to stay with u , I need divorce now , divorce me now ,, both of us was angry
I don’t wanted to divorce her this is why the sentence I said in my language its means was “ I will divorce u “ I said once and then again I repeat it . because I hade no intention to divorce her otherwise I could say her : go – I divorced u “ but I did not use that word.
But suddenly she called her parents and said .. that he has divorced me . and I hared three times ..
Then one matawa came to our home and he said .. that she has listen three times so its mean it is divorced .. I told him that I have said 2 times and I don’t mean that .. I hade no intention otherwise I could say that u are divorced but he did not gives any attention to my words and sad she hared three times and u are not sure the u said third time or not but u could remember that u say two times but she is sure that she hared three times so this is divorced ..
I told him that we will go to the court because the last decision will be from court .and matawa said yes actually u must go to the court because as per me this is divorce but u must see the court .
The same day she left my house and took my daughter with her. inthese days i met with my dougter only 3 times becouse she dont allow me to see my dougter .some time she dont pick the phone ,some times she say u must sign the papers if u wants to take your dougter for one or two hours and i take my dougter she take the pictures that i need proof that u took her .she make movive for that .now when ever i call her to see my dougter she dont pick the phone and she dont answere my sms as well .
Then I went to the Islamic court .i told them this is what happened and the judge said this is not divorce , they gives my date after 10 days .. and they called her as well and told the date ..
Then yesterday was the date for the court . before yesterday the court gives us a reminder call and and both of us agreed to reach to the court ..
When I reached to the court and wait for her .. and then the judge give her a call that u did not reach here she said im sick and I can not come .he asked ok tell me when u can come ,, she said I don’t know
And then yesterday evening I found her that she was in the office and she was not sick ,
And then in the evening she went out with her family and came back at 12:00 midnit , she went out for outing .
Before the court date three days continuously me and my wife spoke on the phone .. and she did not talk to me nicely and she said that I have told to every one that this is divorce and now when judge will say that this is not divorce , how could I stay with u , how I will face these people in my office and my relatives .. I told her that when it is not divorce then why u gona have the problem .. u are still my wife .. Islamic and legally .. but now after all that I found that she have no love in her heart for me even 1% and she don’t wants me any more … now I am 100% sure that she is doing all that because she might has found some one else . so she wants to get red of me and she don’t wants to spend her life with me ..
Our main problem of fights was ..
1- when ever we fight , she don’t respect me and she had a long tong .. she always stick on one point until I agree for that if I don’t agree she keep figting and keep this things in her heart .and on next quarrel she raffer that quarrel as well .
2- she always claim that I should take a separate home infect before marriage we hade talk about it and she was agreed to stay with me in my parents house .
3- I told her to stop work and stay at home to take care of our daughter but she don’t do that and said that I will leave u but I will not leave my job at any cost
Infect before marriage she was agreed that she will sop working when her brother will start working .
In last three days I have told her that u always says that u need to stay in a separate house so im agreed for that , ( once she told me that if u will keep me separate then I will leave the job but u give me 3000 dhs fr my pocket money .i told her that I will give u may full salary than u run the house.but she was not agreed for that as well) , so I told her ok im agreed . I will take a separate house … but u must leave the job , because I feel this is the only way to save our house but she said no .. I will not leave the job at any cost .then i diod not insist her for the job as well becouse i feel ok let her do the job as well but we must stay togather .

Now from her behavior I under stand very well that she don’t wants to stay any more with me and this is why she did not came to the court as well , now brother and sisters , please tell me what should I do , because I really love her but since last 15 days she left my hose I could not see even one sign that proves me that she loves me and she have any wish to save our house and there is no sign that she need me any more .
I tried till the end to save my home so in the coming time of my life I would never have this point in my mind that if I tried once my be she could come back to my life, may be she is waiting my call and she will listen to me if I call her , so for that before 3 days I gave her a call and explained her every thing and told her that I need u and my baby and our house where u ,me and our baby will be staying ,.. and I can do anything to keep our self stay together .and I don’t wants to loose u at any cost .but still her reaction was the same and she said no , I don’t wants to stay with u .and we are already divorced so I cant do any thing ..
She knows very well that this is not divorce but still she is insisting on that ,this is why she did not came to the court .


very sorry to hear about your situation brother, i would advise you do the following:



get the court to make their decision that what you did does not mean you are divorced.
Take a step back from the sister, i know you want to get back together but she seems the stubborn type who becomes more resistant the harder you try,you have told her you want your family back, leave it abit and inshallah it might make her think....unfortunately these type of people dont see light till it is to late, inshallah this does not happen in your case.
Never be the first to divorce her.


I pray that Allah swt bring you and your family back together again soon ameen.

[aamir007]

well i heard from all of you . some said that we heared one sided story and some said that this is really bad what ever is haping ..
now some one advise me to sit with her and asked her what she wants ..
so i did on wednesday . i send her an e-mail becouse she dont pick up my phone calls .some times she do but some times she just iggnore them . i told her that i dont wants to break my house . im agreed for all the conditions u said . im ready to stay seprate ,and im have no problem if u need dont need to stop your job. now after that there is nothing left from your conditions . im front of u as a fully melted fellow . and i can not leave withour you and my dougter .so please think about it and let me kow .and you know very well that there is no divorce in between us .
then in the evening i called her that im coming to see my dougter she pic-up the call . i tolkd her please come and sit with me for some time i need to talk to you . she came .. we wemt out .. we talk abut every thing .. she said that i have hired an advocate for our case .. i told her that there is no need for advocate .only u and me will sit front of judge ad he will let you know that this is not divorce .then i asked her that why did you did not came to the court when u were not sick ,she had no answere for that .any how after 1 hour meeting she was fine , and we desided that from tomorow we will start living togather , she said i will gop back to advocate and ask her to return my money .and i told her that i will go to the court and bring back the docouments .and tommorow onword we will start living togather .
next day morning when i called her . she was on her way to office . i reached her and said come i will drop you she said no i dont wants to sit with you becouse if my office people will see me with you what thay will think . i asked her that you are my wife . who the hell are yor office people to comment on that , that why u came with your husband , do thay asked form you when they need to sit with ther wifes ? she had no answere and she left .
in after noon when i called her she did not talk to me nicly and said im buzy ,we will talk later .
then after 2 hours agai i caled her so she said
" sorry think alot on it . but i can not come back to you . and its better that we dont stay togather , we can see each other like friends .but i cany not stay with you as your wife " i said first of all how u are saying that we can see each other like frinds , how i can immagen that my wife is staying in the same city and she dont stay with me and i have to see her like a friend .
and what happend to you how did you changed your mind in one nigth. last night you were fine and we desided to start living togather from today ,and now u are saying that i can not come back to you .
any how she said , i dont know ant thing , what i felt i told you .. now pleasedont disturb me becouse i have so much work .
then i understood very well that i did every thing for her and to savemy house but she dont want it at all .. so now i stop calling her .and stop sending her any e-mail .
the brothers and sisters who sid that they are hearig one sided story , please try to understand the situation and im telling you excattly what is going on in between us . nothing has been hidid ,this is all true.
now advoice what is the solution. now i will see her on 3rd june in the court ,becouse our new date is 3rd june .and i knwo with the help of her advocate ,she will apply for the khulla .this is what she can do maximum .

[Treasured Soul]

Brother ... the mere fact that she did reconsider going back to you shows that she is still willing ...

I personally think she may need some time to herself and let her find out what she really wants ...

Sometime apart may do you guys good ... in the long run it may bring u guys closer together ...

As for the courts, as long as the judge rules u are not divorced, then leave it at that ... and dont keep calling her/emailing her etc. Just call for u daughter and thats it! Leave the relationship out of it and just be patient!


Have u considered she may have baby blues? particularly if you guys are having problems at home and then on top she's working soon after having the baby?? Its just a thought .. just give her time to figure out what she wants ...

[Medievalist]

Aamir: bro seems like your wifes mentally not all there. I dont know what country you are from, but if you are from a western country then you need to be careful. I wouldnt advise you on divorce, thats a decision for you to make but what I would advise is that you plan your moves very carefully before taking any steps.


If, God forbid, your wife remains insolent and disobedient and your marriage breaks down - you cant leave your child with her. She isnt a good woman and she isnt going to be teaching anything good to your child. If you are in a muslim country then it will be easier to establish she has bad character and hence you can have your child, if you're in the west then make mashwarah with people - because at the end of the day - the woman can be discarded but your blood is your blood and you cant let her corrupt the child.

If the wife is bent on seperation then there is no force to keep her with you although the ulama say that in such cases a man should give her only one divorce so later if they wish to reconcile or remarry they can.

Basically - keep a hold on your child and dont let the mother have him/her./

[Umm_Hanzalah]

Aamir: bro seems like your wifes mentally not all there. I dont know what country you are from, but if you are from a western country then you need to be careful. I wouldnt advise you on divorce, thats a decision for you to make but what I would advise is that you plan your moves very carefully before taking any steps.


If, God forbid, your wife remains insolent and disobedient and your marriage breaks down - you cant leave your child with her. She isnt a good woman and she isnt going to be teaching anything good to your child. If you are in a muslim country then it will be easier to establish she has bad character and hence you can have your child, if you're in the west then make mashwarah with people - because at the end of the day. The woman can be discarded but your blood is your blood and you cant let her corrupt the child.

If the wife is bent on seperation then there is no force to keep her with you although the ulama say that in such cases a man should give her only one divorce so later if they wish to reconcile or remarry they can.

Basically - keep a hold on your child and dont let the mother have him/her./

I agree with Med on this one.

The woman doesn't sound like she respects you.......the way you have described it, that kind of attitude is disgusting from a woman towards her husband.

Don't let her have your kid....

[PiElle2]

bro.. i have come across people like that, i have come to realise that these people may just dun have a clue what marriages and families are all about... i'm sure your and your wife are not expect husband and wife too right...? LOL

from what i see, your wife seemed to be the type who never grew up in a proper family where family members express love and support one another in proper manner. think about her family background, and tell me if this is the case...? and what about your family...?

if it is, then it's no wonder she is not used to the type of affection you are showing her... she is in other words 'scared' or 'terrified' and not sure how to handle this 'emotional' part she is maybe experiencing for the first time.

In Islam, we learned that men need respect and women need and want love, but if a woman was never used to 'love', she will not be able to recoginse it when she sees it, but it by no less, means she does not need it. the more she will need it, because it has been absent from her love for a long time, perhaps... when i say absent, i mean the proper kind of love, not the abusive and rough and crude type.

i am saying this taking your account "i reached her and said come i will drop you she said no i dont wants to sit with you becouse if my office people will see me with you what thay will think . i asked her that you are my wife . who the hell are yor office people to comment on that , that why u came with your husband , do thay asked form you when they need to sit with ther wifes ? she had no answere and she left ."

to me, she does not have the level of respect for you or your marriage, but by this, i do not mean to divorce her immediately, but use patience and help her see what 'respect' is all about... the fact that she changed her mind the next day shows that it's natural for a woman to be fickle minded, in Islam we also learned that women are 'bent'...clearly shows this is one of the charactristics... and it's usually at this point, woman need to be re-assured that they are loved even tho they are 'bent'... it's hard for the bro to understand, but believe it or not, that's the mechanics of it... of course, please dun go tell her she's bent or she'll hit you in the face, dun say i didn't warn you... you it in your heart and you try to help her...

and perhaps also because she has mentioned she got a divorce, so she's either ashamed or too proud to admit you both are back together... if this is the case, do not harp on her weakness ie. pride or shame... so dun push her for positive reaction, let her take her time to get over the mistake she has committed, look, no proud person liked to told they are wrong... you need to take this opportunity to understand your wife's character so you can help her, guide her, as a leader... smile and continue saying nice things to her, build up the love between both of ou again and naturally the bad things will just disappear...

work on your love for her and give her more love, subtle ones will do, any woman will appreciate it in the heart, even tho their lips say otherwise...

a wife is for you to shower your love on, otherwise, where else are you going to put your love towards? if yuou can do it, i'm sure she'll start to respect you...

marriage is hard work, but it's not total loss... dun let one silly incidence wreck the whole marriage, if you can pull this thru, the rest of your marriage life should be smooth sailing... kind of like a big hurdle... we all know humble pie is difficult to bite on, but we all know you can do it man, to save a marriage!:up:

[saladin1970]

I am only going to comment on what she dislikes about you.

1) she does not respect you when you argue
2) she wanted her own house
3) she wants to work

Ok, she is an independent women. Khalaas.
and you want her to be a different way. Have you heard the saying that if you try and bend a women they will break.

And the more you push her to do the things she does not want to do. The more she will push away as she has done.

So if you want to keep marriage, you need to back down (not with words , but with actions).

The MOST IMPORTANT point at this time is to convince her to not give up on you and your daughter, as it will have a negative impact on her daughter for the rest of her life. And what happens if she gets married again and another man is around the little girl.

Then you need to calm the situation down, be nice , but not in her face.

Then you need to fufil her needs, by making her feel less sufficated, look for a house, encourage her career, and reasure her that one night out with your friends is something you need, like she needs career and her own house.

Sorry Bro, it is all about what you should do, but at this moment in time, its gotta be with you

[Medievalist]

saladin: thats terrible advice bro. Basically you saying to him to let his wife do what she likes? I think he's too soft on her and her independence shouldnt be encouraged or tolerated the way your suggesting. If he had stamped his authority on her from the beginning maybe she wouldnt have been so brave in defying him?

She's in the wrong, strutting around outside the house when her husband has forbidden her, she's not meant to go out any way and when her husbands said no then its even worse for her. Letting a woman like that have freedom is dangerous because who knows what she does with it?

[saladin1970]

saladin: thats terrible advice bro. Basically you saying to him to let his wife do what she likes? I think he's too soft on her and her independence shouldnt be encouraged or tolerated the way your suggesting. If he had stamped his authority on her from the beginning maybe she wouldnt have been so brave in defying him?

She's in the wrong, strutting around outside the house when her husband has forbidden her, she's not meant to go out any way and when her husbands said no then its even worse for her. Letting a woman like that have freedom is dangerous because who knows what she does with it?

Two important principles
a) If you want a wife that will stay at home, not go to work, live with your parents, etc. Then make sure you marry that type of women

b) If you are already married, then the above is too late (especially if you have a child). So the second principle comes into play.

Don't bend a women to what you want as she will break.


If the guy followed your advice and told his wife to come home and not go out. She will do as she has done leave. Then she will get married again, and because she is in the UK will get remarried and some othe man will bring up the guys daughter.

As long as what the wife is doing is not haram, you need to be flexible, ESPECIALLY knowing she was brought up in the UK, with all the culture baggage of the UK.

[aamir007]

if some one say that i should be more foft with her then i woulkd like to say that a man can not be more softer with his wife more then iam and more then what i have shown in last 20 days .
one girl who stay in our nabour ,she is her friend and working in the same place ,yesterday she went to her office and talk about our problem, my nabour told me that u are really crazy that u r daing for this women , she is very happy , and she have told to every one that she got divorce already , and if court will say that this is not divorce , she will insist on that and she will go gor khulla ,becouse according to her she said " as per my religion this is divorce , " i dont know now what religion she is belongs .. astagfirullah .
ad my nabour told me that she have no impression that she is on mistake or she feel sorry what is going on .. infact she said ,, " u see no he is disharted . he is beging me to come back to me . let him do that . and she was so prouded to say all that words . "
my nabour told me that she dont respect your love or your feelings at all . your are doing all that to bring her back and to save your house and you are thinking for your dougter future but she never talk about it at all . so why u are getting cracy for her .. let her do what ever she wants to do . she will get understand but it will be so late .and then she would have no way to come back to you . now i understand very well .. i stop calling her . or emeiling her .. now waiting for 3rd june .will se what gona happen. if she will come on that day in the court i know what judge will say and i also know what she will demand . so now im ready for every thing .insha-Allah Allah will do better for me, and my doughter . Aamen .
the answere for my brother that she is not from uk or not briught up in uk , she is from pakistan and brought up in pakistan , now we are living in emirates .

[`asiya]

bro amir is this a kuffar court or a muslim court u are going to ?

edit: ok never mind i just saw it is emirates u are in so alhamdulillah insha Allah is a muslim court.

[aamir007]

bro amir is this a kuffar court or a muslim court u are going to ?

this is a muslim ( islamic sharia court )

[`asiya]

this is a muslim ( islamic sharia court )

alhamdulillah akhi insha Allah all will be fine then, and they will rule according to al islam. Allah give u strength and good solution amin, and i know this is hard to think about now maybe but even if it doesnt work out for you and your current wife, u can take another wife who will be happy to care for your daughter, if your wife doesnt want to care for her. make a lot of duaa akhi, may Allah assist u all and give u all strength amin.

[saladin1970]

if some one say that i should be more foft with her then i woulkd like to say that a man can not be more softer with his wife more then iam and more then what i have shown in last 20 days .
one girl who stay in our nabour ,she is her friend and working in the same place ,yesterday she went to her office and talk about our problem, my nabour told me that u are really crazy that u r daing for this women , she is very happy , and she have told to every one that she got divorce already , and if court will say that this is not divorce , she will insist on that and she will go gor khulla ,becouse according to her she said " as per my religion this is divorce , " i dont know now what religion she is belongs .. astagfirullah .
ad my nabour told me that she have no impression that she is on mistake or she feel sorry what is going on .. infact she said ,, " u see no he is disharted . he is beging me to come back to me . let him do that . and she was so prouded to say all that words . "
my nabour told me that she dont respect your love or your feelings at all . your are doing all that to bring her back and to save your house and you are thinking for your dougter future but she never talk about it at all . so why u are getting cracy for her .. let her do what ever she wants to do . she will get understand but it will be so late .and then she would have no way to come back to you . now i understand very well .. i stop calling her . or emeiling her .. now waiting for 3rd june .will se what gona happen. if she will come on that day in the court i know what judge will say and i also know what she will demand . so now im ready for every thing .insha-Allah Allah will do better for me, and my doughter . Aamen .
the answere for my brother that she is not from uk or not briught up in uk , she is from pakistan and brought up in pakistan , now we are living in emirates .

salaam Bro, apologise, i thought you were in the UK. Since you are in a muslim country - Court rulings will be much more fairer.

In terms of the upbringing of your wife. Unfortunately pakistan has a very strong western influence, and this manifests itself in the personality of many of the girls.

So my advice, now that i know a little more about your situation. have sabr, have flexibility, impart the seriousness of the consequences of a divorce, and make dua.

[hidaia]

salam Alikoum Brother, i think the best thing to start that to try to change with ur wife and talk to her different when u want to disscus with her the problems, if nothing work out try to get Fatwa from islamweb, tell them the problem and they will explain how to change things with ur wife, pray more and ask Allah for help because our hearts in Allah hand anytime can change it ask him for the zawja SALIHA, I ask Allah to guide u to the right way and to take the right decission that best for all of u ameen. salam alikoum.

[Pippin1376]

I just have a quick question, have you fought for the entire duration of the marriage or did it just start 3 months ago after the birth of your daughter?

[Medievalist]

Aamir: again bro if you decide on seperation make sure you can prove that she is a bad woman and unfit mother. Dont leave a woman like that with your kid. If necessary take your child by force and take her/him back home; in pakistan they cant do anything to take your kid away from you.

[aamir007]

I just have a quick question, have you fought for the entire duration of the marriage or did it just start 3 months ago after the birth of your daughter?

no our first fight was in the bigining may be after 4 month of our marrige ,we fight for somethinh and it was her miss behave , that time i talk to her mother and told her that please make her understand how to behave with your husband ,the way she talk to me is not excaeptable for any husband .

[aamir007]

the second time big fight we have when we talk about trust , she use to keep her docouments in her office with her boss . i tld her so many times that now u r married , u have your own home then why do you keep your docoument with your boss , bring it at home and keep here , she said no i dont trust you and i dont trust your family this is why i will not bring them at home , i got angry then i said if u dont trust me and dont trust your own home then why u are here , she said ok , i will not stay here and i will go from here as well , if u wants to know about how much she trust me , after marrige i told her now i will change your sponsership , and i will give u my sponsership , she refused that and said , no i will not changed my sponsership from bank to you , let it be like this , so its mean from the begining she was o sensire with me ,but i cold not understand .and i had full trust on her .

[Fairy]

the second time big fight we have when we talk about trust , she use to keep her docouments in her office with her boss . i tld her so many times that now u r married , u have your own home then why do you keep your docoument with your boss , bring it at home and keep here , she said no i dont trust you and i dont trust your family this is why i will not bring them at home , i got angry then i said if u dont trust me and dont trust your own home then why u are here , she said ok , i will not stay here and i will go from here as well , if u wants to know about how much she trust me , after marrige i told her now i will change your sponsership , and i will give u my sponsership , she refused that and said , no i will not changed my sponsership from bank to you , let it be like this , so its mean from the begining she was o sensire with me ,but i cold not understand .and i had full trust on her .

I've never known a woman to love her job so much, I like my job but I do not think I would let it destroy my marriage. As always there are two sides of the story but I think you can teach others about mistakes in marriage, for example...you should always ask before marriage what the woman intends to do after having children etc

Btw who looks after your daughter when she is at work? Even most non muslim women do not return to work after the baby is six months.

Lack of communication brother!! Inshallah it all works out for you.

[PiElle2]

bro... just know that your wife's a bit irrational and she must have some emotional baggage from the past, so when there's an issue, it brings back some unpleasantry even she may not be aware of... and there is no need to fight everytime you have an issue with her... she obviously is not used to being married to you still. you can't expect her to change and be the person you want just be telling her what she should be doing... it takes time... if you the patience... how did you both get married in the first place...? was it an arranged marriage...?

[Pippin1376]

no our first fight was in the bigining may be after 4 month of our marrige ,we fight for somethinh and it was her miss behave , that time i talk to her mother and told her that please make her understand how to behave with your husband ,the way she talk to me is not excaeptable for any husband .

the second time big fight we have when we talk about trust , she use to keep her docouments in her office with her boss . i tld her so many times that now u r married , u have your own home then why do you keep your docoument with your boss , bring it at home and keep here , she said no i dont trust you and i dont trust your family this is why i will not bring them at home , i got angry then i said if u dont trust me and dont trust your own home then why u are here , she said ok , i will not stay here and i will go from here as well , if u wants to know about how much she trust me , after marrige i told her now i will change your sponsership , and i will give u my sponsership , she refused that and said , no i will not changed my sponsership from bank to you , let it be like this , so its mean from the begining she was o sensire with me ,but i cold not understand .and i had full trust on her .

How was she before you started fighting? When you were meeting her before you married her, how was she? Also, how were you before the fighting started?

[peace2u]

I am only going to comment on what she dislikes about you.

1) she does not respect you when you argue
2) she wanted her own house
3) she wants to work

Ok, she is an independent women. Khalaas.
and you want her to be a different way. Have you heard the saying that if you try and bend a women they will break.

And the more you push her to do the things she does not want to do. The more she will push away as she has done.

So if you want to keep marriage, you need to back down (not with words , but with actions).

The MOST IMPORTANT point at this time is to convince her to not give up on you and your daughter, as it will have a negative impact on her daughter for the rest of her life. And what happens if she gets married again and another man is around the little girl.

Then you need to calm the situation down, be nice , but not in her face.

Then you need to fufil her needs, by making her feel less sufficated, look for a house, encourage her career, and reasure her that one night out with your friends is something you need, like she needs career and her own house.

Sorry Bro, it is all about what you should do, but at this moment in time, its gotta be with you

makes sense if he wants to stay with her and make his marriage work.

saladin: thats terrible advice bro. Basically you saying to him to let his wife do what she likes? I think he's too soft on her and her independence shouldnt be encouraged or tolerated the way your suggesting. If he had stamped his authority on her from the beginning maybe she wouldnt have been so brave in defying him?

She's in the wrong, strutting around outside the house when her husband has forbidden her, she's not meant to go out any way and when her husbands said no then its even worse for her. Letting a woman like that have freedom is dangerous because who knows what she does with it?

It is too late for him to "stamp" anything now. His wife does not want to be married to him anymore but yet he is willing to do anyhting to keep their marriage. I would suggest marriage counselling or at least a family shura between her family and his. They need to work out their issues. There is more to this relationship than we know, so we can't really give advice to a story based only on one side. In the end, what is the point of keeping a marriage if it is filled with disrespect, unhappiness, and unharmonious?

Peace