Sisters, would you....??

[Ur sis in Islam]

Asalaamulikm wa ramutallah wa barakuhu:wavey:


Inshallah I pray that everyone is in the best of imaan and health!!:up:


Oky so I need some feedback and your views on a situation, never thought I would be posting in this section but here i go.........:embar:


Sisters say if you got a proposal from a brother who is not practicing, just a brother who prays on Jummah and prays now and then, but doesnt fufill one of the main fundamentals of Islam which is 5 daily prayers! Doesn't have a beard, doesn't fufill the sunnah's etc! But you know apart from his deen that he has no other flaw, he doesn't free mix, doesn't drink, etc etc. Is a genuine good person at heart!

Would you consider him for marriage?


You could look at this in two ways, first:

That you could influence him to become a better muslim, even though it would be a struggle at the beginning! you could see it as a test from Allah swt, testing your strength with your imaan! It could make you stronger by wanting this beautiful deen for your husband too! by helping him understand and help him implement deen in his life, which you would be getting reward for!

or second:

You would want someone who could influence you to become a better muslim and better person! not the other way round! As we all know deen is one of the main things we should be looking for in a husband, so you might not be willing to comprimise, and gamble not knowing that he could or could not change! because at the end of the day he will be the father of your children, so has an influence on both you and your children! or is it that usually the male has more authority and you would feel that by you telling him to change could potentially cause frictions between you, if he is not willing to change, and in the end put the whole realtionship in jeprody!

Sisters your views plz:up: Jhazakallah Khair!

[BlueberryMuffin]

No I wouldnt :blobblue:

A person can change, that much is true. But I would not take the risk. If he changed before marriage then maybe. Otherwise Laa

[UkhtAlMuslimeen]

:salams
hmmm. doesnt fulfill the sunnah..
i would ask why????
see i think i would say no just cause of that, because if someone is aware of the sunnah...then what is his reason for not implimenting it. im not saying his got to impliment every single sunnah....but like you mentioned about the beard..why???
to me it seems this type of person has different opinions...that i probably dislike..basically he has cultural islam.

[ibn Iyaaz]

Have you done Istikhara or is this something you wish to figure out before you would even consider doing Istikhara?

Sometimes people just need someone to encourage them and motivate them. Not everyone is practising but that can come about inshaAllah. Have you asked the brother whether he has intentions to improve on Deen and whether this is something he looks to do with his spouse in a marriage?

[MMS]

does he want to change :scratch:

[angel*]

Mmmm it really depends on much u like him as a person, do u think he'll chnage 4 the better later on or that he even wants 2? If u really like him i suggest a long engagement 2 c if he can cum towards the deen, i think marraige is helping each other with ur deen not just a one sided thing that either u help him or he helps u, and if a long engagement dosnt appeal i suggest u guys talk it out and iron the bare fundementals out. :o

[.: Anna :.]

If he doesn't pray it will be a bad influence for you, he could make you get slack in ur salah urself, and for your children. You need someone who will pray with you, who will remind you if you get busy, who will come and ask "did you pray?" That is my view...
It's okay to think maybe he will change, but you are taking quite a risk because maybe he won't.

[nomoreillusions]

I think it would be *highly* unfair to him for you to marry him expecting him to change. If you have said 'yes' then say yes without strings attached. If you have all these conditions, then just make it easier on everyone and decline.

It's not fair to you either, to marry with expectations of change, and then be disappointed if the changes are never realized.

[~Warda~]

Hmm...its quite a difficult decision...but personally no i wouldn't, because i would want to marry someone who is more knowlegable and practicing than me so i can learn from him.
However, i would still suggest finding out WHY he doesnt pray 5 times a day..keep a beard etc? Would it be lack of islamic education or simply no interest in practicing the deen?
If u think u can marry this man and convince him to practice his deen...then concider it? However the prophet :saw: did tell us to marry for someones deen...and i think it would be a really big risk to take.

[Ur sis in Islam]

Have you done Istikhara or is this something you wish to figure out before you would even consider doing Istikhara?

Sometimes people just need someone to encourage them and motivate them. Not everyone is practising but that can come about inshaAllah. Have you asked the brother whether he has intentions to improve on Deen and whether this is something he looks to do with his spouse in a marriage?

Yer ive prayed Istikhara twice yet, but im gna make sure im going to pray it seven times before i make a decsion.
Yer im trying to see it from your perspective too, i see that Inshallah i could influence and motivate him to become practising, Inshallah i will get reward! Ya i agree i mean all of us in one point of our lives were not practicing, Ive only spoken to him once so im not entirely sure on his intentions yet! When we met I asked him if he prays etc, implements Islam in his life..! and he shrugged his shouldres and said only on jummah! so that is what is concerning me, I don't know him well enough to assume that he is willing or wanting to change!

does he want to change :scratch:

:salams
hmmm. doesnt fulfill the sunnah..
i would ask why????
see i think i would say no just cause of that, because if someone is aware of the sunnah...then what is his reason for not implimenting it. im not saying his got to impliment every single sunnah....but like you mentioned about the beard..why???
to me it seems this type of person has different opinions...that i probably dislike..basically he has cultural islam.


Thats the thing I don't even know if he knows that it is sunnah to keep a beard or not! I have no idea how much knowledge he has on Islam! so im confused, I'm just leaving it down to Allah swt cos he know whats best for me!

[dudette]

:salams

may Allah guide you and jamee3 al muslimeen. ameen.
id personally prefer it for the brother to be more practising than i am inshaAllah, so no i wouldn't consider this brother,
it is also said when considering a suiter for marriage you are supposed to look at their level of deen first and formost and then other aspects...
wa Allahu a3lam

[AhlaamYasmina]

:salams

difficult. It sort of depends on your own religious strength and belief. If I would consider myself weak then I personally wouldn't go down that route. I'd aim for someone who is much more rightous than me, in order to benefit from him.

On the other hand...

hmm. I'm just wondering whether our beloved prophet's marriages would be relevant here. Alot of his marriages had the intention of helping these women.

So if your imaan so high that for the righteous reasons you are willing to burden yourself with a task as great as this, and willing to sacrifice YOUR energy and YOUR time for the sake of Allah, for however long it may take, then insha Allah you will be fullfilling a very great cause indeed. May allah give us the imaans that will make us aim for the struggle against our own Nafs.

[Stylish-Girly]

I dont know about people changin its too risky so i'd prefer him to be atleast a 5 timer from before, i wouldnt like to consider a bro like this for marriage Ukhti then again he doesnt have any bad habits so theres a postive, you carry on with your istikhara and see what you end up with, Allah help you good luck :up:

[neelu]

I absolutely wouldn't marry such a person (unless he isn't fulfilling his fards for a very compelling and valid reason- but the in the scenario you're describing that sounds unlikely). I think my parents would like it if I married someone who wasn't practising but a nice person who'd treat me well- maybe because my family isn't practising either. Whenever I think about it, I take a good look at my brother. He's a very decent and well meaning guy and I think whoever marries him (with the exception of his ex wife lol) would be a very lucky girl mashallah. Having said that, he's not practising and I find even having a conversation with him difficult sometimes cos' his mentality and outlook on life when it comes to the deen is soooo :rubeyes: That's when I realise that I couldn't marry someone who isn't practising because if I find it hard to cope with the way my own brother thinks- then being married to someone with that outlook would really drive me nuts:torture:

It's worth asking yourself why you want to get married too. Is it to keep your family happy, or companionship or for the sake of Allah (swt) or a combination of all those things and which of those reasons are most important to you? If it is for the sake of Allah (swt) then considering a man who is not practising is a very strange choice. It's good that you're doing istikhara mashallah- I hope that helps you come to a decision inshallah.

[Ur sis in Islam]

Mmmm it really depends on much u like him as a person, do u think he'll chnage 4 the better later on or that he even wants 2? If u really like him i suggest a long engagement 2 c if he can cum towards the deen, i think marraige is helping each other with ur deen not just a one sided thing that either u help him or he helps u, and if a long engagement dosnt appeal i suggest u guys talk it out and iron the bare fundementals out. :o

Sis I dont know him well enough to like him , we have only met on 2 occasions! and we have only spoken propley once! so im not sure if he is willing to change or not! I totally agree that marriage is helping each other with ur deen, but I beleive if it is a one sided thing i could see it as test from Allah swt, testing my strength in my imaan, this could make me stronger, and Inshallah i could get reward for it! But also its about taking that risk, not knowing if he is wanting to change! the thing is my family really really like him, and they know him quite well, so i trust them cos i know what they are doing for me is for the best, thats why there like theres no need for you to talk to him because we know how hes like!
ermm if this does go through the engagement i think will be for at least 6-8 months, but im not sure! so yer the possibility is there to talk things out inshallah

[Ur sis in Islam]

Jhazakallah Khair everyone for your advice and your opinions:up:

At first I thought I had a lot to think about, which i still do, but u guys have made it much easier for me Inshallah!:) Its just nice to see things through somebody elses eyes! Inshallah im just going to leave it down to Allah swt cos i know watever happens is best for me, even if it doesnt happen it still for the best!

[UkhtAlMuslimeen]

Sis I dont know him well enough to like him , we have only met on 2 occasions! and we have only spoken propley once! so im not sure if he is willing to change or not! I totally agree that marriage is helping each other with ur deen, but I beleive if it is a one sided thing i could see it as test from Allah swt, testing my strength in my imaan, this could make me stronger, and Inshallah i could get reward for it! But also its about taking that risk, not knowing if he is wanting to change! the thing is my family really really like him, and they know him quite well, so i trust them cos i know what they are doing for me is for the best, thats why there like theres no need for you to talk to him because we know how hes like!
ermm if this does go through the engagement i think will be for at least 6-8 months, but im not sure! so yer the possibility is there to talk things out inshallah
:salams
yea marriage is a mercy from Allah and therfore husband and wife help each other with each others deen. the thing is...compatability.
if your not on the same line of thinking...then its seriously risky. in the end Allah knows best. but honestly try and find out his views on things...
how much of the Qur'an has he memorised...
what books he has read (in terms of deen)...
what shuyoukh he follows...things like this.
cause remember...he will be the father of your kids!!!

[turquoise]

Salaam,

If everyone only wanted someone better (or more 'deeni') than themselves for marriage, then no one could ever get married... because everyone better than you would want someone better than them!

As NMI said, it's not fair to him for you to marry him expecting him to change - so if having a husband who prays all five on time is important to you, then that's your answer. However, if it's not all that important to you, and you don't think it would be a negative influence on you (not everyone is easily influenced), and you like him otherwise, then maybe you should consider it. But if this is something you think you might divorce over later, then don't do it!

For me, though I would prefer someone who prays, I'd be more concerned about how he treated me, and other things that directly affect me. I would encourage him to pray, of course, but ultimately, that's between him and God.

I have a question about this point:

But you know apart from his deen that he has no other flaw, he doesn't free mix, doesn't drink, etc etc. Is a genuine good person at heart!

If he didn't free mix with you, how can you know that he's a genuine good person? Not saying he isn't, just curious how you're so sure.

[RashidD]

Personally i don't go for the "change" argument. Yes, it's possible but there's no guarantee so no, personally i wouldn't advise it. Deen has given guidelines for choosing spouses etc. Ultimately the decision is yours but it's not something i would advise.

EDIT: I'm not a sister though... But anyway.

[`asiya]

Asalaamulikm wa ramutallah wa barakuhu:wavey:


Sisters say if you got a proposal from a brother who is not practicing, just a brother who prays on Jummah and prays now and then, but doesnt fufill one of the main fundamentals of Islam which is 5 daily prayers!

Sisters your views plz:up: Jhazakallah Khair!

:wswrwb: its a no,absolutely not because the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said " “The covenant that stands between us and them is prayer; whoever gives it up is a kaafir.”

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2621; al-Nasaa’i, 463; Ibn Maajah, 1079.

if he doesnt pray then forget it.

[Ur sis in Islam]

Salaam,

If everyone only wanted someone better (or more 'deeni') than themselves for marriage, then no one could ever get married... because everyone better than you would want someone better than them!

As NMI said, it's not fair to him for you to marry him expecting him to change - so if having a husband who prays all five on time is important to you, then that's your answer. However, if it's not all that important to you, and you don't think it would be a negative influence on you (not everyone is easily influenced), and you like him otherwise, then maybe you should consider it. But if this is something you think you might divorce over later, then don't do it!

For me, though I would prefer someone who prays, I'd be more concerned about how he treated me, and other things that directly affect me. I would encourage him to pray, of course, but ultimately, that's between him and God.

I have a question about this point:



If he didn't free mix with you, how can you know that he's a genuine good person? Not saying he isn't, just curious how you're so sure.


Jhazkallah khair for ur advice, i see where you are coming from! No1 is perfect at the end of the day, but we should all strive for perfection, whethr its for our deen or just generaly! I know its not fair on him if i expect him to change after marriage, and he himself is not willing too! But i see this as something good for me, a test from Allah swt maybe, to see that I am willing to strive and struggle to influence my husband to become a better muslim! too see how strong I am with my Iman and just have faith in Allah that he helps me guide my husband! I don't know him to like him, I mean we have only met twice, so I dont know his intentions I don;t know if he is willing to change! but its just something which I have to leave down to Allah and just trust him, becasue he knows whats best for me! I idealy would like someone at least who prays 5 times a day, but this is something which could change! I mean everyone at some point in their life did or did not pray 5 times a day, its just something which comes with time!
He did not free mix with me, we spoke with a mahrem present, my family know his family before he was born! so they know what hes like and know that he is a genuine person at heart, so i trust my family! Inshallah i jus ultimately have to leave it down to Allah swt, im in the process of my Istikhara prayers, so far got a positive sign!

[City_Sister]

Sis I dont know him well enough to like him , we have only met on 2 occasions! and we have only spoken propley once! so im not sure if he is willing to change or not! I totally agree that marriage is helping each other with ur deen, but I beleive if it is a one sided thing i could see it as test from Allah swt, testing my strength in my imaan, this could make me stronger, and Inshallah i could get reward for it! But also its about taking that risk, not knowing if he is wanting to change! the thing is my family really really like him, and they know him quite well, so i trust them cos i know what they are doing for me is for the best, thats why there like theres no need for you to talk to him because we know how hes like!
ermm if this does go through the engagement i think will be for at least 6-8 months, but im not sure! so yer the possibility is there to talk things out inshallah


Well I have to say sister, this is a very difficult decision. I would think about it some more. And just realise that you can't change someone. You can make dua, advise him etc, but the rest is up to him. I have seen sisters get married to men who are like the man you describe and I have to tell you, they really struggle. It is really tiring and a strain on your Iman when you take it up you to help someone likes this. A good friend of mine has a husband just like that, sometimes he prays, mostly not, she can't remember the last time he went to Jummah. She says his heart is good, but she is still considering divorce since she thinks his lack of religous commitment has a bad influence on their children. At the other end the children are also the reason she'd rather not divorce.

See you can't tell what someone has in his heart. I have met people who I thought were really mashallah how they spoke about the deen but there actions were not, and in the end, the actions turned out to be a better way to judge them.

[AhlaamYasmina]

:salams

it's always good to look at things from different angles before you make a decision. So far you have recieved good reasons not to marry this person, mainly the issue of salah. However how many people with knowledge do not perform righteous deeds? How many of them intentionally harm others, not fearing Allah SWT and his judgement on them. How many of them are not sincere? It is much better for you to have someone with less knowledge or experience of Islam, (who's willing to learn offcourse) whom people around him are safe from him, than to have someone who is extremely knowledgble but people are not safe from his harm.

You said this person is a genuine person, and has a good heart. But are his personal moral and values such that he will always treat you well? Or do you feel more comfortable with a person who truly fears Allah and will therefore act based on islamic moral and values, which never fade.

sister, have you asked a scholar or shaykh about this?

[Naz2007]

salam sister,

my husband used to encourage me to pray before we got married. i wasnt much of a prayin person but i started to make an effort. he really liked me so he never gave up on me, he kept at it n now alhumdulilah we are married n we pray as much as possible. i enjoy it as it is calming and reassuring to me. plus it has made me want to learn alot about islam, which i am slowly. he has got alot of sawab for that.

so it jus goes to show that encouragment is all some people need, alil push in the right direction.

its up to you which way you want to go, how motivated you are in tackling such a problem. maybe you shoud see wot he does after you have told him what sort of person you would like to marry and then decide which route os better for u

[Tranquillity]

If he is looking to change and become a better Muslim then let him do this BEFORE you accept his offer, the same way that a revert should have spent a reasonable period living as a Muslim before getting married..
But if he's not willing to sort himself out and wants you to marry him and then he'll 'try' later, well frankly he needs to go and find someone to marry who is as slack as him!

[$HugoBoss$]

If he is looking to change and become a better Muslim then let him do this BEFORE you accept his offer, the same way that a revert should have spent a reasonable period living as a Muslim before getting married..
But if he's not willing to sort himself out and wants you to marry him and then he'll 'try' later, well frankly he needs to go and find someone to marry who is as slack as him!

Oh thats pretty cold, some people need time to change, give the bro a brake!!!

[Tranquillity]

Oh thats pretty cold, some people need time to change, give the bro a brake!!!

don't care if it is cold!
But if he needs time to change why can't he take the time out now when no one is affected by his decisions but himself? why seek to burden his wife with his shortcomings as well?
if a man can't motivate himself enough to do the basics of his religion well then what kind of a man is he??!!

[$HugoBoss$]

don't care if it is cold!
But if he needs time to change why can't he take the time out now when no one is affected by his decisions but himself? why seek to burden his wife with his shortcomings as well?
if a man can't motivate himself enough to do the basics of his religion well then what kind of a man is he??!!

Look like i said nobody becomes islamic over night especially when you got shaitan hovering all over you 24/7. Just sit down with the bro and give him some proper guidance, don't expect him to change on his own because it's tough. If you reject someone for that reason they will be discouraged to a further extent from practicing islam. Only losers give up.

Would the prophet(pbuh) give up and say this bro is useless he ain't going to change, think positive.

[.: hayat :.]

Sisters say if you got a proposal from a brother who is not practicing, just a brother who prays on Jummah and prays now and then, but doesnt fufill one of the main fundamentals of Islam which is 5 daily prayers! Doesn't have a beard, doesn't fufill the sunnah's etc! But you know apart from his deen that he has no other flaw, he doesn't free mix, doesn't drink, etc etc. Is a genuine good person at heart!

Would you consider him for marriage?

That you could influence him to become a better muslim, even though it would be a struggle at the beginning! you could see it as a test from Allah swt, testing your strength with your imaan! It could make you stronger by wanting this beautiful deen for your husband too! by helping him understand and help him implement deen in his life, which you would be getting reward for!


i might consider him 4 marriage cuse there is kinda potential,,,well u said he doesn't fulfill the sunnah but by not free mixing n not drinking or other flow he is fulfilling part of sunnah as well as part of prayers.and i do not consider tht i am a perfect muslimah so i have things i do not accomplish too n i strive to become better so i think we all have our mistakes as this bro n we all need a chance n support frm others 4 increasing our deen,imaan n fulfilling better our islamic requirements,,,:)

[um_omar]

A sister was in similar situation, she get 2 proposals, one with the deen but very poor, and another who does not pray (promised he would), and was rich. Regardless of her brother advice to take the one with the deen, she said she will change the rich guy. She got married, and few months later the husband stopped praying, and gets annoyed with her advising him. He treated her badly, and told her to stop preaching to him, she says she made the wrong decision.

Sister, there is no way knowing how people change, but if we listen to Allah and his messenger we never lose inshallah. Iam confident, you will make the right choice inshallah, you have prayed to Allah and if he is good for you Allah will make it happen.

[mars16]

Salaam,
Just to add what um_omar said "there is no way knowing how people change". And it goes both ways; who is to guarantee that the good husband you marry doesn't change 3 months later.

[Loobna]

Asalaamulikm wa ramutallah wa barakuhu:wavey:


Inshallah I pray that everyone is in the best of imaan and health!!:up:


Oky so I need some feedback and your views on a situation, never thought I would be posting in this section but here i go.........:embar:


Sisters say if you got a proposal from a brother who is not practicing, just a brother who prays on Jummah and prays now and then, but doesnt fufill one of the main fundamentals of Islam which is 5 daily prayers! Doesn't have a beard, doesn't fufill the sunnah's etc! But you know apart from his deen that he has no other flaw, he doesn't free mix, doesn't drink, etc etc. Is a genuine good person at heart!

Would you consider him for marriage?


You could look at this in two ways, first:

That you could influence him to become a better muslim, even though it would be a struggle at the beginning! you could see it as a test from Allah swt, testing your strength with your imaan! It could make you stronger by wanting this beautiful deen for your husband too! by helping him understand and help him implement deen in his life, which you would be getting reward for!

or second:

You would want someone who could influence you to become a better muslim and better person! not the other way round! As we all know deen is one of the main things we should be looking for in a husband, so you might not be willing to comprimise, and gamble not knowing that he could or could not change! because at the end of the day he will be the father of your children, so has an influence on both you and your children! or is it that usually the male has more authority and you would feel that by you telling him to change could potentially cause frictions between you, if he is not willing to change, and in the end put the whole realtionship in jeprody!

Sisters your views plz:up: Jhazakallah Khair!

I wouldnt want to marry soemone who doesnt pray five times a day. As people have mentioned, prayer is one of the most important things and distinguishes a believer from a kafir. Not all my family are that practicing and I dont think I would be happy to be with someone new who's like that (not bothered when it comes to prayers etc) because I know things can be so much better if you follow Islam as you're meant to and I would definately not want my kids to be brought up in a non-practicing household.

One thing is though that it is difficult to find someone who is practicing in that they pray five times a day, doesnt drink, gamble etc. so when you meet someone who fulfills everything except the prayer part, or doesnt quite do something else they should, its tempting and sometimes, esp with pressure from parents etc, you feel its the only option.

[.: Anna :.]

Salaam,
Just to add what um_omar said "there is no way knowing how people change". And it goes both ways; who is to guarantee that the good husband you marry doesn't change 3 months later.

well there is always a risk but if u did ur istikhara, u checked out his background and reputation and everything then u will have to take the chance and have tawakkul
otherwise with that attitude noone can ever get married

[HSarah]

I was in worse situation. He proposed and we're supposed to be married next year. We were crazily in love, astaghfirullah... He didn't want to practice but he let me paractice. Wht kind of crap is tht?

I didn't take the risk. Yes at first I thought of being the agent of change but then after much thought, alhamdulillah i realised tht i need someone who will be as eager as me to be better muslims!

[Tranquillity]

Look like i said nobody becomes islamic over night especially when you got shaitan hovering all over you 24/7. Just sit down with the bro and give him some proper guidance, don't expect him to change on his own because it's tough. If you reject someone for that reason they will be discouraged to a further extent from practicing islam. Only losers give up.

Would the prophet(pbuh) give up and say this bro is useless he ain't going to change, think positive.

would the prophet (saw) marry his daughter or any believing woman to someone who didn't pray regularly?

[neelu]

Sister in your previous post you've just mentioned that he doesn't WANT to change either as I'm quoting you here:

"I know its not fair on him if i expect him to change after marriage, and he himself is not willing too! But i see this as something good for me, a test from Allah swt maybe, to see that I am willing to strive and struggle to influence my husband to become a better muslim!"

This is a VERY BAD sign ukthi. I said in a previous post that if he has a very valid reason for his stance then take that into consideration but an unwillingness to change is a sign that he doesn't WANT to improve himself either. The fact that YOU want him to change will not make it happen. I know when I've been looking at rishtas, some of my relatives gave me very dumb advice saying "Marry a guy with all the MAIN qualities; good job, good family, decent character and then even if he is not practising- you can marry him and try to change him because men don't bother to practise before marriage":wacko: Of course that's not true there are plenty of men who practise both before and after marriage mashallah they just had all their priorities wrong. I replied to them "If I marry such a man and then he STILL doesn't pray when I try to convince him of his duties after marriage- then I'm stuck with someone who doesn't even have the basics that I want in a husband so what's the point of that?".

I think your family see the other good qualities in this brother and this is encouraging them to overlook the basics which is a sign of bad judgement on their part. You should marry a man because before marriage, you see the qualities you want in a husband, not just pick someone who is seriously lacking in the most important things on the assumption that you'll "change him". You wouldn't marry a drug addict and alcoholic on the assumption that "I can change him" would you? Especially if he then says he's unwilling to change.

[LastFriday]

Its funny, everyone wants someone MORE practicing then themselves. And not everyone is equal in religiosity and No way will both the husband and wife be exactly the same. So someone will be dragging someone down to an extent.

[Maureen]

It is impossible to know if a person will change to your way of thinking or actually move away further from it, with marriage.

This applies to all situations and religions.

It is better to iron things out before the marriage, then you know how you stand.

[Ur sis in Islam]

Well I have to say sister, this is a very difficult decision. I would think about it some more. And just realise that you can't change someone. You can make dua, advise him etc, but the rest is up to him. I have seen sisters get married to men who are like the man you describe and I have to tell you, they really struggle. It is really tiring and a strain on your Iman when you take it up you to help someone likes this. A good friend of mine has a husband just like that, sometimes he prays, mostly not, she can't remember the last time he went to Jummah. She says his heart is good, but she is still considering divorce since she thinks his lack of religous commitment has a bad influence on their children. At the other end the children are also the reason she'd rather not divorce.

See you can't tell what someone has in his heart. I have met people who I thought were really mashallah how they spoke about the deen but there actions were not, and in the end, the actions turned out to be a better way to judge them.


Sis thats the thing im scared about, that i dont know whats in his heart! You can never know such a thing, u just have to trust in Allah swt that whatever he is doing is for the best, because he knows what resides in the deepest of deepest heart! My mind is going crazy thinking, what if, what if?? But I just ulitimately have to leave it down to Alllah, because i know that every1 is not perfect and im not gna get a husband who is what i want from a-z! So the issue about him changing, i have to leave dwn to Allah swt! I mean ppl do change, i dont want him to change everything but i jus want him to implement Islam in his life! I dont know, but he just might need a push from me, and Inshallah everything might fit into place!
I understand the position some sisters are in, it must be a struggle, but this could be test frm Allah swt for them, testing them on thier iman and how strong they are! Im sorry to hear that the sis is considering divorce, but the sis shoudnt give up for herself and for the sake of her children! Has she tried by letting an imam or scholar speak to him, because her husband might feel more comforatble by someone else telling him, instead of his wife etc??

[City_Sister]

Sis thats the thing im scared about, that i dont know whats in his heart! You can never know such a thing, u just have to trust in Allah swt that whatever he is doing is for the best, because he knows what resides in the deepest of deepest heart! My mind is going crazy thinking, what if, what if?? But I just ulitimately have to leave it down to Alllah, because i know that every1 is not perfect and im not gna get a husband who is what i want from a-z! So the issue about him changing, i have to leave dwn to Allah swt! I mean ppl do change, i dont want him to change everything but i jus want him to implement Islam in his life! I dont know, but he just might need a push from me, and Inshallah everything might fit into place!

It is true that only Allah SWT can see what's in people's hearts. But I have learned that the best way to judge people is by what they do, rather then what they say. And the Prophet gave us the advise to look at the deen of a person that we want to get married to. The state of someones deen is in my view the best predictor of behavior, a righteous man will never threat his wife badly, because he knows it will anger his Lord. Otherwise I have seen men who were the nicest men, not very religious but with good jobs and a nice character who turned into monsters once they got married.


I understand the position some sisters are in, it must be a struggle, but this could be test frm Allah swt for them, testing them on thier iman and how strong they are! Im sorry to hear that the sis is considering divorce, but the sis shouldn't give up for herself and for the sake of her children! Has she tried by letting an imam or scholar speak to him, because her husband might feel more comfortable by someone else telling him, instead of his wife etc??

Of course it could be a test. But be careful with interpreting things that happen. Who is to say that the real test might be turning a man down because his deen is insufficient? You might like a man's qualities, good job, good looks, liked by the family etc. But his religious commitment is lacking. What is the test then? Is it to marry him and 'make him' into a good muslim, or to choose religion over worldy things ( his other qualities) and go against your family, purely because of the deen? I am not saying it is either one or the other, I'm just saying that you don't know what Allah's intentions are with the things that happen. So be careful to put a sticker on it saying, this is what's happening.

[City_Sister]

Sister in your previous post you've just mentioned that he doesn't WANT to change either as I'm quoting you here:

"I know its not fair on him if i expect him to change after marriage, and he himself is not willing too! But i see this as something good for me, a test from Allah swt maybe, to see that I am willing to strive and struggle to influence my husband to become a better muslim!"

This is a VERY BAD sign ukthi. I said in a previous post that if he has a very valid reason for his stance then take that into consideration but an unwillingness to change is a sign that he doesn't WANT to improve himself either. The fact that YOU want him to change will not make it happen. I know when I've been looking at rishtas, some of my relatives gave me very dumb advice saying "Marry a guy with all the MAIN qualities; good job, good family, decent character and then even if he is not practising- you can marry him and try to change him because men don't bother to practise before marriage":wacko: Of course that's not true there are plenty of men who practise both before and after marriage mashallah they just had all their priorities wrong. I replied to them "If I marry such a man and then he STILL doesn't pray when I try to convince him of his duties after marriage- then I'm stuck with someone who doesn't even have the basics that I want in a husband so what's the point of that?".

I think your family see the other good qualities in this brother and this is encouraging them to overlook the basics which is a sign of bad judgement on their part. You should marry a man because before marriage, you see the qualities you want in a husband, not just pick someone who is seriously lacking in the most important things on the assumption that you'll "change him". You wouldn't marry a drug addict and alcoholic on the assumption that "I can change him" would you? Especially if he then says he's unwilling to change.

:up: Hear hear

[Islamiyyah]

I think you should give him a chance definatly. My husband wasnt that religious at all until we got married. And little by little he is improving and he loves me more and more for helping him. I think its a good investment:up:

[Souljette001]

Simple and easy all you have to do is Istikhara (The Guidance Prayer) and ask for Allah's oppinion and giudence instead. :)

[Unique1]

sister what if instead of you changing him he changes you?sometimes we can easily get influenced by other ppls wrong habits especially with the shaytan behind our backs.And some scholers believe that someone who doesnt pray is not muslim so get him to pray before marrying him.When you are sure hes going to pray them marry him.If he doesnt pray and you marry him chances are your children wont pray either.

[Eemaan]

how can you respect a bloke who doesnt pray as ameer of your household?

How can you expect him to fulfill your obligations?

Iv'e been through this before and dont regret knocking it back for a moment. Dont do it.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

No.

No one should ever marry a man thinking he will change for you after marriage. If he can't do it for Allah, then forget it.

[Ur sis in Islam]

It is true that only Allah SWT can see what's in people's hearts. But I have learned that the best way to judge people is by what they do, rather then what they say. And the Prophet gave us the advise to look at the deen of a person that we want to get married to. The state of someones deen is in my view the best predictor of behavior, a righteous man will never threat his wife badly, because he knows it will anger his Lord. Otherwise I have seen men who were the nicest men, not very religious but with good jobs and a nice character who turned into monsters once they got married.



Of course it could be a test. But be careful with interpreting things that happen. Who is to say that the real test might be turning a man down because his deen is insufficient? You might like a man's qualities, good job, good looks, liked by the family etc. But his religious commitment is lacking. What is the test then? Is it to marry him and 'make him' into a good muslim, or to choose religion over worldy things ( his other qualities) and go against your family, purely because of the deen? I am not saying it is either one or the other, I'm just saying that you don't know what Allah's intentions are with the things that happen. So be careful to put a sticker on it saying, this is what's happening.


Yer sis its true, we usually do judge people on what they do rather than what they say, cos we all know actions speak louder than words! and i know deen should be main thing i should be looking for in husband and thats what ive always wanted! Ive always wanted someone who can influnece me into becoming a better muslim! But you cant always get what you want! I know that if its destined by Allah that i marry someone who implements Islam in his life would be a great benefit to me, but marry someone who doesnt have deen could also benefit me also, as i have explained in the previous posts! Allah knows best because he is the best of planners and he knows whats best for me! As you said the "state of someones deen is in my view the best predictor of behavior, a righteous man will never threat his wife badly, because he knows it will anger his Lord", i totally agree with you sis because that bro would be god fearing and he would never hurt is wife! thats what concerns me i don't know if he is god fearing, but the view that i got from him which is clearing showing his attitude and enthusiasim towards Islam, is cleary lacking! i have had repeated reassurance from my family that he is a good guy and wouldnt do anything to hurt you! i so confused but i trust what they are saying to me is right!
yer sis i agree that the real test could be for me to turn this bro down, but im soo confused because i have being doing my istikhara prayers, and im nt really getting a clear picture! yer sis i dont know what Allah swt intentions are so im not putting a sticker on anything, im just trying to rule out all the what ifs!

[Ur sis in Islam]

I think you should give him a chance definatly. My husband wasnt that religious at all until we got married. And little by little he is improving and he loves me more and more for helping him. I think its a good investment:up:


Sis what do you mean by not "that religious", did he pray 5 times a day before marraige? Sis im very pleased to hear that ur situation is going very well Allhumdiallah!! Before marraige were you conecrned that what if he doesnt change?? and im just gambling my life based on "what if"? Im just conecrnd that what if i do give him that chance and he doesnt change, and then how would i deal with the rest of my life, without a god fearing husband!

[Islamiyyah]

Sis what do you mean by not "that religious", did he pray 5 times a day before marraige? Sis im very pleased to hear that ur situation is going very well Allhumdiallah!! Before marraige were you conecrned that what if he doesnt change?? and im just gambling my life based on "what if"? Im just conecrnd that what if i do give him that chance and he doesnt change, and then how would i deal with the rest of my life, without a god fearing husband!

No alhamdulillah he prayed all 5 times but everything else was not great. I never thought "what if he doesnt change" casue I took his word for it when he said he would. I love him so much and dont regret my desicion for one mili second :love: :)

[perfectpearl]

nahhh I wouldnt - I want a good person whose practicing- that way i can insure he is will be good to me no matter what... its part of his deen :up:

[City_Sister]

Yer sis its true, we usually do judge people on what they do rather than what they say, cos we all know actions speak louder than words! and i know deen should be main thing i should be looking for in husband and thats what ive always wanted! Ive always wanted someone who can influnece me into becoming a better muslim! But you cant always get what you want! I know that if its destined by Allah that i marry someone who implements Islam in his life would be a great benefit to me, but marry someone who doesnt have deen could also benefit me also, as i have explained in the previous posts!

I have read your explanations on this point, but i have to tell you sis, I don't agree. See it's a man's job to lead his wife, not the wife's job to lead the man. The wife is obliged to obey her husband, a wife can only advice her husband and hope for the best. Marrying a good husband is one of the most important decisions in life, it has a effect on the rest of your life. And if he would just offer his prayers 5 times a day, maybe it would have been a different story. I have seen so many women either marry or they with a man in the hope he would change, but it doesn't work that way. If he does not obey Allah SWT, why would he listen to you?


Allah knows best because he is the best of planners and he knows whats best for me! As you said the "state of someones deen is in my view the best predictor of behavior, a righteous man will never threat his wife badly, because he knows it will anger his Lord", i totally agree with you sis because that bro would be god fearing and he would never hurt is wife! thats what concerns me i don't know if he is god fearing, but the view that i got from him which is clearing showing his attitude and enthusiasim towards Islam, is cleary lacking! i have had repeated reassurance from my family that he is a good guy and wouldnt do anything to hurt you! i so confused but i trust what they are saying to me is right!
yer sis i agree that the real test could be for me to turn this bro down, but im soo confused because i have being doing my istikhara prayers, and im nt really getting a clear picture! yer sis i dont know what Allah swt intentions are so im not putting a sticker on anything, im just trying to rule out all the what ifs!

Whatever you do, do not make any rash decisions. And find someone else to talk to besides your family. I mean your family might have a certain interest, so find someone who is more objective. Don't you have any religious muslim girlfriends etc you can talk to?

[PK Aali]

:salams

Yes I would consider him for marriage.

[Soljaress]

er..no

:rubeyes:
UNLESS HES WILLING 2 CHANGE COS THEN HE'LL JUST CORRUPT U AND MAKE U CHANGE UR WAYS TO SUIT HIM..

[PK Aali]

^ You dont know the future mate!!