Mummys boy

[Naz2007]

salamz all,
i have a problem that i need sum advice on, more like islam view and solution.
My husband is mummys boy. i didnt know he was like that before i married him but no i see to what extent he is like that. it all kind of started off when my daughter was born 3 months early as i was having problems. a few weeks later she was cirtically ill, transferred to another hospital and was not looking as though she would survive. my husband and i live in london and my in laws are in pakistan. so basically my mother in law came over. while she was here i felt invisble to my husband, he is the only one who i have and can lean on in hard times so i felt pretty rubbish when he wasnt there for me when my daughter was so very close to death. he was worried about who his mum would cope with the fact that out daughter may not survive. we had a massive argument where i told him he was being like that and that i felt lonely.

neways his mum gussed there was tension between us and said that she would be going back pakistan if she was causing problems for us. i went and talked to her and reassured her that she hadnt done nething to and that she didnt have to go. after that she ignored me and talked to me only when my husband was around and the made me angry. i didnt say nething to her but mentioned it to my husband who at frist told me i was being paranoid but later on when i was really upset n crying he kind of belived me. in between this time i had apologised to her. so he said he spoke to his mum. i spend one whole day doing the house work, i was an emotional wreck so i need sumthing to occupy myself with. we went to husbands auntys house and she said to my husbands mum did u feed her and she was like no, she was busy doing housework. so his aunty feed me. i made breakfast for her and she didnt eat it...i asked her what she wanted to eat but after i made it, she left it n went n ate sumthing else....i was fuming!

at night his mum would be in my bedoom for sometime and my husband and his mum would not say alot, i felt alil out of place. then she would go into her room and my husband would follow and they would sit and talk...i really felt like an outsider. i did suggest to my husband that if i was coming in the middle of him n his mum i didnt mind going to stay wid my friend and meeting them at the hospital. he said i didnt need to n was being silly. the same thing happened the night before my mother in law was going back and i heard my husband complaining to her that i didnt wear a hijab(which i have promised him i will do and keeptelling him that). so when he came back i asked him if he had was complaining about me which then turned into an argument why they sat quiet informt of me.

his mum went back and things settled down, alhumdulilah my daughter survived. his mum would fone him and always ask about our daughter but i didnt seem to exist to her. i said the to my husband and he flew off the handle and blamed me for his mum going back. now it just seems that i cant say nething about her without my husband taking it in the wrong way...,for example a few nights ago we were talking about housework n was saying to my husband that i was working and doing most of the housework a month before our daughte was born. he said that he would have called his mum over n was waslike no trying to make him understand that in the condition i was in, if i could do everything that i did, then he can help me now n agen with the housework now. he took it like i was being nasty to his mum. now he told me he loves being a mummys boy.

i know he wants to be a good son i understand coz jannat is in the feet of the mother, but at the same time it doesnt mean he completely ignors me when she is here nor does it mean that everytime i mention her, he thinks im going to say something horrible. it drives me mad that when he does that. i just kind of feel that he will always ignore me when his mum is in the picture.
how do i solve this problem coz one day i will have to live with my in laws.
please help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Fairy]

Don't want to be nasty, but he sounds like a jerk. Should have told him if he really loved his mum he should have married her instead.

I think you really need to talk to him. Havent you got any family that you can talk to? so you dont need to rely on this fool?

[Naz2007]

i really love my husband and he loves me too, hes not a jerk, we had a love marriage. he cares for me a lot but i lose out on when it comes to his mum.

[Zesty]

i really love my husband and he loves me too, hes not a jerk, we had a love marriage. he cares for me a lot but i lose out on when it comes to his mum.

Well then try and explain to him that youre not in some kind of competition with his mum! You realise that his mother means alot to him and that yes his jannat lies at her feet but youre not asking him to compromise on his duties to his mother so he needs to also realise that he has certain duties towards you too.

Sit and explain how you feel to him, let him know that you have no animosity towards his mum but that as his wife you also need some care and attention.

[neelu]

Is your mother in law a widow by any chance? No offence to widowed sisters but I've seen this happen before. Sometimes when older women are widowed, they feel emotionally more dependant on their sons and equally the sons like getting that maternal attention as well. I don't know what to suggest other than make lots of dua for your relationship with him and try to involve him in spending time with your child as well.

Some men have this perception of "women's work" so when you have a hard time after the birth of a child, they assume it's an emotional woman's issue that they don't know how to deal with so it's better to send another woman (ie the mother or mother in law) to deal with the wife when in fact the wife is seeking support from her husband and becomes upset that he seems distant from her. Did he ever help you around the house with things before you had the baby or did he just assume that you're the woman so you should do those things and if you find it difficult, then it's better to call another female relative over to "help" (not realising that in some ways this doesn't help at all as it depends on their relationship and interaction with each other) rather than help out himself.

[Medievalist]

I think you're letting your emotions cloud the issue. Is your husband a mangy? are you related? how was your relationship with MiL before all this? were you close or did you only start talking after you got married to your husband?

[Fitnah Bolice]

This kinda stuff actually happens in real life?

It's something you might expect to see in an asian drama series.

[Naz2007]

we are not related, we had a love marriage last year. we used to talk loads, we have good understanding, but just wen it come to his mum, she can do no wrong, she perfect, even when she is in the wrong. sometimes ill just say thing,nothing to do with his mum n he will think im aming it his mum, even my close friend noticed it!

[Naz2007]

ps if i eva told u my life story, u will be able to make a big indan drama out of it, u have no idea what i have been though. sik poeple actually get ideas from these dramas...its happned in my family n was amied at me n my sisters

[Kal-El]

Try to build communication bridges with your husband in things that irk you, like this. He'll appreciate your honesty - he'll talk to you about it

[Medievalist]

we are not related, we had a love marriage last year. we used to talk loads, we have good understanding, but just wen it come to his mum, she can do no wrong, she perfect, even when she is in the wrong. sometimes ill just say thing,nothing to do with his mum n he will think im aming it his mum, even my close friend noticed it!

First off dont bother saying anything about his mum. Loads of guys are like that about their mums, no need to be jealous - she has her own position with him and no woman can ever replace it. I seem a reasonable man - yes? Well in my marriage aswell its very evident that not a word of criticism is to go against my mum - one word on my mum and it might just be three words back at you kinda thing.

Secondly I dont know why but in-laws often have a very uncomfortable relationship. I didnt speak to my in-laws before I got married and only now am I beginning to feel comfortable with them (meaning my parents in law, specially father in law :eek: ) Reason is because we didnt know know each other and it takes time to build a relationship and recognise what the other person is like. In this regard, may I suggest you weekly phone your mother in law, make general chit chat with her for literally 5 minutes and then pass fone onto your husband.

In my family our men dont really fone inlaws back yard; but my sisters-in-laws husbands DO very regularly. It seemed strange to me to fone every week but now alhamdulillah its good cos you can have a decent convo and know what to say and what not to say. Point is you should try and build a relationship with your MiL outside of you being just the daughter in law.


ya get me?

oh and if its a love marriage then she probably doesnt respect you. Thats a tough cookie to crack but should be a warning to other girls who want love marriages that they tend to lose respect of people.

[Zesty]

I really do find it odd- that it should seem difficult to build a relationship with in laws. Or maybe Alhamdullilah im just very lucky in that in that i love my mother in law and spend most if not all my day with her. We have an almost mother/daughter relationship and inshaAllah i pray to Allah (swt) that it remains as such! Ameen.

My husband doesnt have any problems speaking to my mum or dad either. He will pick up the phone and ring them, speak to them before me and speaks to my dad longer than i speak to my dad sometimes :eek:

[PiElle2]

You said yours' a love marriage, what does that supposed to mean....? are you happy about it or are you not?

For Allah's sake, sis... once you're married, do your best to get along with your husband and his family, love your MIL like your own mother... help your hubby to be nice to his mom, be nice to visiting guest, esp. your MIL... and use your time wisely...

[`asiya]

This kinda stuff actually happens in real life?

It's something you might expect to see in an asian drama series.

yep ...seriously ..everyone should switch off those horrendous bollywood movies that are brainwashing certain areas of this ummah, and start acting like muslims.

[stephenoskie]

i really love my husband and he loves me too, hes not a jerk, we had a love marriage. he cares for me a lot but i lose out on when it comes to his mum.

prehaps you need to speak to him about what you are feeling,
InshAllah just make dua

[Medievalist]

I really do find it odd- that it should seem difficult to build a relationship with in laws. Or maybe Alhamdullilah im just very lucky in that in that i love my mother in law and spend most if not all my day with her. We have an almost mother/daughter relationship and inshaAllah i pray to Allah (swt) that it remains as such! Ameen.

My husband doesnt have any problems speaking to my mum or dad either. He will pick up the phone and ring them, speak to them before me and speaks to my dad longer than i speak to my dad sometimes :eek:

Its easier when you actually live with the inlaws or see them very regularly because you build relationship quickly. If you live in different countries - as this lady and her mother-in-law do - then it requires a lot of effort to build up a connection.

[Zesty]

Its easier when you actually live with the inlaws or see them very regularly because you build relationship quickly. If you live in different countries - as this lady and her mother-in-law do - then it requires a lot of effort to build up a connection.

LOL well actually i was trying to point it out from my husbys perspective. Hes (we're) in a different country to my parents and yet he has managed well in building a relationship and speaking to my parents. Obviously he doesnt always have much to say and the conversation goes the same way almost every time :p but thats normal for guys in my opinion.

I agree with you though- speaking on the phone regularly or making an effort goes a long way to building a relationship with inlaws.

Going back to Naz-Dont also expect it to be easy- there may be times when you get narked off and think, "why should i have to do that," or, "well i dont want to do it." In this situation its important to remember that you are now part of that family and you also have to play your part and make an effort. You cant expect people to instantly gel with you or accept you (although yes they shouldnt make it difficult and Alhamdullilah my inlaws welcomed me with open arms). Think of it as- "this is my home also and i would have done the same for my parents if they had asked me/told me/expected it off me and so my husbands parents are like my parents." Trust me, makes it easier and you really see the benefits of thinking in such a way- it increases the mohabbat :)

[eshanz]

im a mummyz boy :D. anyway my take (and im occasionally pretty deep :D) alhamdulillah ur daughter is now healthy which is very good news. now i am a mummyz boy, my whole family know this, they even joke about it take the mick out of me but that doesnt bother me. but i have found as i grow older i can not do alot of things without my mum. open days at college, my mum went with me when all my mates went with other friends. if my mum says no to something i physically cannot do that thing regardless of her being there or not. my point is seeing as u say ur hubby is a mummys boy this doesnt just happen, he has always had his mother with him throughout his life, good times and bad and before u i am assuming he would "lean" more towards his mother for consoling as i have done. its more of a mental thing if u get what i mean i dont think ur hubby does what he does conciously, obviously the situation with ur daughter caused him to stress as well as urself, and he automatically would lean towards his mother. again i dont think ur mother in law dislikes u, she is just over protective of her son, and ur the "other" woman who took him away from her. i dont know if what im sayin makes sense to u sis but inshallah it all works out in the end, life is too short to be stressin urself. and as for ur life story people plan but Allah (SWT) is the best of planners so keep ur trust in him, everything else is just a test. smile :D
wasalam

[Umm_Hanzalah]

again i dont think ur mother in law dislikes u..........and ur the "other" woman who took him away from her.
wasalam

That is totally unislamic and a backward way of thinking. How can a mother-in-law not dislike her daughter-in-law if she FEELS like 'he has been taken away from her'.

Shouldn't a mother be happy that her son is married and has a wife and child, instead of being jealous? That's so immature. Maybe she shouldn't get son married to anyone and keep him to herself then? Similar with the daughter-inlaws...

If people treat each other well and try to put themselves in another's shoes and fear Allah at the same time these issues wouldn't arise. The Mils should remember that they were Dils once upon a time and the Dils should know that they may become Mils one day.

[Naz2007]

ok,im going to try and make more of an effort now, inshallah that will get me sumwhere. if all fails then atleast i can say i tried. i can see she is over protective of him, i jokingly kickd his foot n at the time MiL wasnt talking to me but she kind of gave me a lecture. my husband and i are like that, we have huge respect for each other n do things like that to each other out of love n affection. i uderstand he needs to lean on sum one but that didnt mean he ignored me coz i needed sum one to lean on too. neways that all over with so i guess im going to and make more of an effort.

n my daughter she is doing well alhumdulilah, she 7 months old now mashallah say. she has an op next week so please make dua for her. however she is not with my husband and i, she is in foster care as we are being accused to hurting her (i assure u that we have not done nething to her, she was extreamly ill and as a cnsequence her health is below what she should have been, she has a bowel problem from and da op to correct that she suffered brain damage) so i ask you all to make dua that she is returned to us. the is a huge part of our life and her not being wid us is very diffcult. and if ne one knows of any special duas that can help,please let me know.

[Fairy]

i really love my husband and he loves me too, hes not a jerk, we had a love marriage. he cares for me a lot but i lose out on when it comes to his mum.

REally? I am shocked it was a 'love' marriage. There is no communication between the both of you. It seems arranged. So if you knew each other beforehand, why is it so difficult for you to discuss things with him and why is he nasty to you ?

[Fairy]

I think you're letting your emotions cloud the issue. Is your husband a mangy? are you related? how was your relationship with MiL before all this? were you close or did you only start talking after you got married to your husband?

How did you get a rep power of 50. You're so rude

[Fairy]

ok,im going to try and make more of an effort now, inshallah that will get me sumwhere. if all fails then atleast i can say i tried. i can see she is over protective of him, i jokingly kickd his foot n at the time MiL wasnt talking to me but she kind of gave me a lecture. my husband and i are like that, we have huge respect for each other n do things like that to each other out of love n affection. i uderstand he needs to lean on sum one but that didnt mean he ignored me coz i needed sum one to lean on too. neways that all over with so i guess im going to and make more of an effort.

n my daughter she is doing well alhumdulilah, she 7 months old now mashallah say. she has an op next week so please make dua for her. however she is not with my husband and i, she is in foster care as we are being accused to hurting her (i assure u that we have not done nething to her, she was extreamly ill and as a cnsequence her health is below what she should have been, she has a bowel problem from and da op to correct that she suffered brain damage) so i ask you all to make dua that she is returned to us. the is a huge part of our life and her not being wid us is very diffcult. and if ne one knows of any special duas that can help,please let me know.

Really sorry to hear that.

[Naz2007]

we communicate well,just not well on the matter of MiL...thats a tough one. i think u only understand such things when they happen to you.

[in_exile]

start covering and strengthen your deen otherwise there is no hope for you

[Naz2007]

i docover up, i have worn shalwar kameez through out my whole life, inshallah soon i will wear a hijab.

[RacingStripe433]

Don't want to be nasty, but he sounds like a jerk. Should have told him if he really loved his mum he should have married her instead.


Shock Horror Gasp...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

[Omar Mukhtar]

sounds more like you wanna be his mommys girl, your upset because she did'nt mention you on phone, she does'nt speak to you you get upset, you always get upset as everything.

grow up, look after your child, his mom only came for short visit to see her son,she's gone move on wid your life.

[Fairy]

start covering and strengthen your deen otherwise there is no hope for you

Erm disagree, a lot of women cover and still do worse so do not give her advice like there is no hope for you.

[Fairy]

sounds more like you wanna be his mommys girl, your upset because she did'nt mention you on phone, she does'nt speak to you you get upset, you always get upset as everything.

grow up, look after your child, his mom only came for short visit to see her son,she's gone move on wid your life.

disagree

But to the poster, we all get on with our families so dont take it to heart if he and his mum like sitting in the room alone together talking.

Anyways just focus on your daughter, she is my prayers :)

[Naz2007]

sounds more like you wanna be his mommys girl, your upset because she did'nt mention you on phone, she does'nt speak to you you get upset, you always get upset as everything.

grow up, look after your child, his mom only came for short visit to see her son,she's gone move on wid your life.

i just want to be treated as part of the family not as an outsider not the other woman. his mum knows wot sacrifce i have made to marry him, n its not a lil ting either. she gave her he consent at the time so the change in the attitude?!

[Medievalist]

i just want to be treated as part of the family not as an outsider not the other woman. his mum knows wot sacrifce i have made to marry him, n its not a lil ting either. she gave her he consent at the time so the change in the attitude?!

But you married in a love marriage. If your mother in law is from back yard then she will have little respect for you and thats your fault. You need to win her respect and also you need to strive to make a relationship as you are younger and you are the daughter in law.

[Naz2007]

MiL had a love marriage herself, waited 7 years n finally got married.but she is from back home. neva had to live with her in-laws, had 3 sons so basically she was the only lady in the house

[Medievalist]

i feel that your constant use of "back-yard" sounds quite demeaning...*snort*

(not that i gizza shizzle :p)

you and your feelings **roll eyes**

[Stylish-Girly]

Parents should just let the kids get on with their lives you know? Okay i sound like 50 60 now eek

[$HugoBoss$]

Boy if your husband ever finds out your backbiting about his mom to strangers you are in big big trouble :torture:

[Naz2007]

im not backbiting, im asking for advice so please give me some advice

[`asiya]

sister seriously pray to Allah ta ala to change her heart towards u, beleive me i seen such a thing happen over night, beleive with allllll your heart that Allah ta ala can do that, my (ex) mother in law wasnt too keen on the idea of me at all ( i was wrong age wrong race had kids, was a revert u name it everything about me was "wrong" , and she lived in another country then when i met her and spent time with her, and she got to know me alhamdulillah she used to side with me more than her own son because she stood by the truth of al Islam and not her own whims and desires and she no longer put the love for her son over the haq of Al islam, and that was from Allah ta ala, i could hardly beleive it myself and even now we are on the best of terms although i had to divorce, and i love her very much, believe me sister Allah is in control not the people, and u just learn and teach your family about islam as much as u can, and stick to what this blessed deen says and Allah will be with you, and all will be well, pray to Allah sister beg Allah to help u, and do all your very best to be a good sister in Islam to her, many families forget that whether they are mothers or aunts or daughters in laws, all these women are our sisters in Al Islam.

we have to be patient with them, and have love for them, and want for them what we want for ourselves because the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said " none of your truely believes till he loves for his brother what he loves for himself" so u set the islamic example and insha Allah your mother in law will learn from that about what it means to be your sister in Al Islam . all the best ukhti trust in Allah and it will all be fine insha Allah.

may Allah bless you and your daughter and your family and all of us with knowledge and understanding of the deen amin

heres a couple of threads that may be useful insha Allah


the muslim woman and her relatives

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128600

The Muslim Woman and Her Sons and Daughters-In-Law

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=94528

[Fitnah Bolice]

Here's the sincere advice you are after;

http://www.dawahacademy.com/linkup/link_click_out.php?action=free_link&n=50&url=http%3A%2F%2Fdawahacademy.com%2FMSM%2FDawahAca demy.com_Suliman_Mulla-Obedience_to_Your_Husband.mp3


http://www.dawahacademy.com/linkup/link_click_out.php?action=free_link&n=75&url=http%3A%2F%2Fdawahacademy.com%2FMSM%2FDawahAca demy.com_Suliman_Mulla-Kindness_to_Your_Spouse.mp3

[Naz2007]

my daughter has her op tomorrow so i would like to ask every1 that reads this to make dua for her please and also that she is returned to my husband and i ASAP (as i explained in my earlier posts that she is in foster care and we are being accused of hurting her unfortunatly)

[Medievalist]

May ALLAH Ta'ala grant her pure, complete and continuous shifaa and healthy lungs to keep you and your husband awake at night when she's back home - ameen

[Omar Mukhtar]

Ameen

[.: Anna :.]

aameen

[`asiya]

May ALLAH Ta'ala grant her pure, complete and continuous shifaa and healthy lungs ..ameen

amin! may Allah ta ala make her operation sucessful and return her to u safely amin

[um_omar]

Sister to be honest, your husband not a mummy’s boy, he is real decent man. First of all, his mum comes first not a wife regardless how you feel; wife is replaceable but not a mother.

Your mother in law might be jealous, and it is normal emotion but you can change her heart, be nice to her even if she is mean, never complain about her to her son, do not put him in a difficult situation, I am sure he loves you both, but Allah will not be pleased with him if he upsets his mum.

It looks like you are jealous too, because he cares and respect his mother but you have to understand that one day, you will expect your sons to do the same.

I have witnessed so many marriages where a man upsets his mum to please his wife. I know it is not what you want sister, but life is a test and you have to be brave, and accept her treatment until she goes back, even if she does not change, Allah sbhunu wa tala will reward you inshallah.

[Naz2007]

my daughters op went fine,alhumdulilah. thank you for all your duas. shes in hospital for the next few days just to make sure she doesnt have any post op problems,inshallah she wont. after that she will be returning to her foster carers home :'(
am praying that inshallah sumthing will come up in her medical reoprts to say that we have not done anything to her and her complicated medical history has had some effect on her. if that does not happen then there are high chances that my daughter will be adopted, please pray that the latter does not happen. shes a mirical baby coz dr told us wen she was very ill, that there are high chances that my daughter will pass away within hours. allah swt saved her. so please do remeber my family in ur duas.

[Zesty]

May Allah (swt) reunite you with you daughter very soon. Ameen. Good to hear that her operation went well Alhamdullilah.