View Full Version : Your Husband Does Not Want You To Cover
Asalaam alaikum,
I am writing this thread just to get some opinions/ideas of what i can say to make a sister's situation a little better inshallah.
Basically i know a sister and lately she had been saying how her marriage is in rut at the moment and she feels like its coming to an end and her hubbie refuses to discuss the ongoing issues.....basically they are like 2 people living in the same house but leading separate lives?
She wears hijab and he is not happy about this and is alot of the time making jibes to her about it.
Anywho today she said that she was getting ready to go out, with her SIL and the kids to the park, she put her hijab on but draped a shawl across her as well, because the hijab did not reach all the way down....anywho what followed was her hubbie getting angry and asking why she is wearing two scarves and then went on to rip of her shawl from her, in front of other family members :(
The sister was in tears crying over the phone and obviously felt humiliated, i now do not know what to advise her as alot of the time i have been able to make excuses for her husband but i dont know what to advise now because i dont wanna say "yeh he is in the wrongl" cos it might make the situation worse?
Her family members do not wish to be involved in the marriage problems unfortunately, so involoving them is not possible.
Any ideas/opinions welcome!
(please keep them in your duas as well)
:smack:
cyber_abdullah
11-05-08, 10:39 PM
that guys needs a smack in the face. that girl could find someone better.
salam786
11-05-08, 10:45 PM
my heart goes out to the sister but as for the husband he asking for a slap. anyway back to the topic, the best way to try and reform him is by giving him islamic books/audio that he can listen to whilst driving or read at home as his knowledge about women and the hijab seriously needs some improvement
Khubaib
11-05-08, 10:48 PM
Does she have a brother or father who can talk to her husband gently to make him understand? Maybe her SIL can talk to a BIL who might understand or perhaps her SIL's husband? There must be someone who can sort him out. Also, she has to be able to stand up for herself otherwise the husband will always feel brash. Her husband should be ashamed for treating her like that and she should be able to tell him so. May Allah make it easy for her. :(
This could have been avoided by discussing the importance of Hijab prior to marriage. He is a Muslim, I've never heard of a Muslim husband angry because he wife wears too much to cover.
maybe hes scared she will get attacked by non muslims? still she must cover though
Khubaib
11-05-08, 10:53 PM
This could have been avoided by discussing the importance of Hijab prior to marriage. He is a Muslim, I've never heard of a Muslim husband angry because he wife wears too much to cover.
Many men have dumb cultural/liberal views. I'm guessing he's indo/pak/bangali :smack: Maybe he has a genuine fear that she will be harassed for wearing hijab but from the way he mocks and treats his wife I don't think so.
that guys needs a smack in the face. that girl could find someone better.
my heart goes out to the sister but as for the husband he asking for a slap. anyway back to the topic, the best way to try and reform him is by giving him islamic books/audio that he can listen to whilst driving or read at home as his knowledge about women and the hijab seriously needs some improvement
brothers i cant ask her to give him a slap:rubeyes: (as much as i would like to).
brother salam786, she is constantly advising him to pray salat and telling him about islam, she even leaves books around the house, incase he reads them out of curiosity....she said when she takes an islamic book to read, he says negative stuff along the lines of "what your reading stuff like that for"...
she is always telling him about islam
Does she have a brother or father who can talk to her husband gently to make him understand? Maybe her SIL can talk to a BIL who might understand or perhaps her SIL's husband? There must be someone who can sort him out. Also, she has to be able to stand up for herself otherwise the husband will always feel brash. Her husband should be ashamed for treating her like that and she should be able to tell him so. May Allah make it easy for her. :(
She only has one bro and he is very young so, her hubbie wouldnt take him seriously, her father is not really around to do that, she asked her mum to talk to him (before this incident even happened) but mum told her off and said "dont involve me again when you both fight" ...
This could have been avoided by discussing the importance of Hijab prior to marriage. He is a Muslim, I've never heard of a Muslim husband angry because he wife wears too much to cover.
this is not the first story i heard unfortunately brother.
She did not wear hijab when they got married,she became more practicing in the last couple of years.
maybe hes scared she will get attacked by non muslims? still she must cover though
no its that yokel
Supernova Nebula
11-05-08, 11:05 PM
i think this is a result of marriage based on improper cultural arrangement , i really feel sorry for the sister.that's why communication before marriage is extremely important.
Umm_Hanzalah
11-05-08, 11:06 PM
Maybe she can tell him about the virtues of wearing hijab....she can also talk to her husband about the consequences of not wearing proper hijab.
Wouldn't he prefer it as well if non-mahrams would not look at her in a lustful manner or be attracted to her?
If she can discuss the purpose of hijab with him when he is in a happy mood, then that might help inshAllah.
Supernova Nebula
11-05-08, 11:07 PM
how about getting the husband to an imam or somethinig? or i think based on his behavior towards the wife wearing hijab, he must have some inflated ego to see an imam for marriage counselling?
i think this is a result of marriage based on improper cultural arrangement , i really feel sorry for the sister.that's why communication before marriage is extremely important.
it was a love marriage, her family agreed to it in the end, can i also say, they have a child together.
I hav told her to sit him down and explain what areas the hijab should cover but i felt so lame saying that , i didnt know what to say to her :smack:
Umm_Hanzalah
11-05-08, 11:11 PM
Doesn't sound like a love marriage.....otherwise wouldn't he talk to her about the issue?
brother salam786, she is constantly advising him to pray salat and telling him about islam, she even leaves books around the house, incase he reads them out of curiosity....she said when she takes an islamic book to read, he says negative stuff along the lines of "what your reading stuff like that for"...
she is always telling him about islam
She did not wear hijab when they got married,she became more practicing in the last couple of years.
alhamdulillah she is practising now, may Allah reward her and guide her and her husband and all of us amin, but if he doesnt even pray salat 5 times a day and rejects islamic teachings then she really needs to go to a scolar with him and get some serious advice on the validity of her marriage, not just this particular issue.
Khubaib
11-05-08, 11:24 PM
it was a love marriage, her family agreed to it in the end, can i also say, they have a child together.
I hav told her to sit him down and explain what areas the hijab should cover but i felt so lame saying that , i didnt know what to say to her :smack:
I would definitely tell her first to tell her husband confidently that hijab is important to her. She feels more comfortable with it and ashamed without. If he truly cares for her he will want to make her happy. If he continues to cause problems she should tell him to back off. There is no other way. He seems to childishly want her to do things his way. Don't encourage her to get aggressive of course, but do encourage her to continue doing what's right and defend herself and her convictions. Wives in the time of Rasulullah :saw: obeyed their husbands, but also complained if they thought they were not being treated properly, they were not complaisant.
You said that you thought he was wrong but didn't want to say it- I think you should've said it cos' he clearly was in the wrong here. I don't think he should be taken to an imam because he doesn't value religion so he certainly wont value the opinions of a religious leader. I grew up around men like this so I have some idea what she's dealing with. My guess is he came from a background in which from a young age, he's taught that status is attached to a good education and job whereas it's the dumb people who go to madrassas to learn Quran or preach religion- they don't know much about the world other than to tell people to grow beards and pray:o
When they got married, they both weren't practising so he probably thought he was marrying someone compatible and like minded but now that she's started covering, he feels like she's become a part of those negative stereotypes that he still hates. To go as far as ripping her shawl off is shameful though. I know a lot of (Muslim) guys who aren't fond of the hijab but they'd never go that far. Is there anyone practising in the family circle who he respects? I know this is a controversial thing to say but I'm going to suggest that she avoids discussing religion with him unless he says something or asks something himself. It's possible that he feels cornered if she keeps bringing up religious topics in the hope that he'd practise and this is just a reaction/manifestation of his frustration at that. Before practising, if there were things they did together as a couple like just chill together, eat out or take their child to the park, then they should still do those things- he might be feeling threatened that "becoming religious" is causing them to lose out on things they enjoyed doing during the marriage.
I know he's a bloke but if I had my way, I'd tell her to send him my way to get a piece of my mind:torture: If it reaches a point whereby he wants her to choose between him and the hijab- then he's clearly not worth it.
looks to me like hes angry at something else and not this. could i be right?
The best way to call those who do not pray and to deal with innovators
Question:
What is the best way to call those who do not pray? What about innovators?.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
We should consider the person being called to pray or to do other acts of worship, and pay attention to the most effective means of encouraging him or warning him. The general principle in Islam is to combine both approaches (encouraging and warning). It is also important to pay attention to how receptive or otherwise the person being called is, and whether he will be influences or put off by preaching.
Secondly:
The best way to call those who do not pray can be summed up as follows:
1 – Reminding them of the obligation of prayer and that it is the greatest of the pillars of Islam after the Shahaadatayn (twin declaration of faith).
2 – Telling them some of the virtues of prayer, for it is the best of the duties that Allaah has enjoined on His slaves, and the best way by means of which a person may draw closer to his Lord. It is the first of his religious affairs for which a person will be brought to account. The five daily prayers are an expiation for whatever sins come in between them, so long as he avoids major sins. A single prostration raises a person in status by one degree, and erases one sin… and there are other virtues of prayer that have been narrated. This may open his heart and perhaps prayer may become a source of delight, as it was for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
3 – Telling them of the stern warnings that have been narrated concerning not praying, and the different opinions of the scholars as to whether this constitutes kufr (disbelief) and riddah (apostasy). Islam does not give the one who does not pray the opportunity to live freely among people, because in his case he must he invited to pray, and if he persists in not praying, he is to be executed as an apostate according to the view of Ahmad and those who agreed with him among the salaf (early generations of Islam); or he is to be executed as a hadd punishment, according to the view of Maalik and al-Shaafa’i; or he is to be detained and imprisoned, according to the view of Abu Haneefah. But no scholar says that he is to be left free. So it should be said to the one who does not pray: are you happy that the scholars disagreed as to whether you are a kaafir and whether you should be killed or imprisoned?
4 – Reminding them of the meeting with Allaah, death and the grave, and what will happen to the one who does not pray, namely a bad end and the torment of the grave.
5 – Explaining that delaying prayer until the time for it is over is a major sin:
“Then, there has succeeded them a posterity who have given up As-Salaah (the prayers) [i.e. made their Salaah (prayers) to be lost, either by not offering them or by not offering them perfectly or by not offering them in their proper fixed times] and have followed lusts. So they will be thrown in Hell”
[Maryam 19:59 – interpretation of the meaning].
Ibn Mas’ood said concerning al-Ghayy (translated here as “Hell”): it is a valley in Hell that is very deep and has a foul taste.
And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“So woe unto those performers of Salaah (prayers) (hypocrites),
5. Those who delay their Salaah (prayer from their stated fixed times)”
[al-Ma’oon 107:4-5]
6 – Explaining the serious implications of the view that they are kaafirs, such as their marriages being rendered invalid, it being forbidden for them to remain with and be intimate with their wives, and the fact that they will not be washed and prayed for after they die. Among the texts that indicate that the one who does not pray is a kaafir is the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer.” Narrated by Muslim, 82. and he said: “The covenant that stands between us and them is prayer; whoever gives it up is a kaafir.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2621; al-Nasaa’i, 463; Ibn Maajah, 1079.
7 – Giving them some booklets and tapes that deal with the subject of prayer and the punishment of the one who does not pray or is careless concerning the prayer.
8 – Forsaking and shunning them if they persist in not praying.
With regard to innovators, the way in which we deal with them varies according to the type of innovation involved. We should advise them and call them to Allaah, and establish proof against them, and refute their specious arguments. If the innovator persists in his innovation he should be forsaken and shunned, if it is thought that this will most likely benefit him. We have first to be sure that a person is an innovator before resorting to these measures, and reference should be made to the scholars. We should differentiate between the innovation and the one who practices it, because he may have the excuse of ignorance or misunderstanding. For more details please see Haqeeqat al-Bid’ah wa Ahkaamuhu by Sa’eed ibn Naasir al-Ghaamidi.
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=47425&ln=eng
more here on:
Advising one who does not pray
http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=266&ln=eng
looks to me like hes angry at something else and not this. could i be right?
I agree with the Pink one.
this is not the first story i heard unfortunately brother.
She did not wear hijab when they got married,she became more practicing in the last couple of years.
Ah. So they weren't really practising when they married and she just advanced quicker than he did? But still, why would a man complain that his wife covers too much :scratch: I can understand if she didn't cover enough
Umm_Hanzalah
12-05-08, 02:03 AM
This is her test and Allah is testing her through her husband. It sounds like a tough test because she has just started practicing and that's when life does seem hard (as on top of that Shaytan comes and tries his best to make the person deviate). This is her test of the strength of character, eeman and also a means of purification inshAllah. So, I don't think her husband is angry about something else necessarily.
However, from the post you can gather the couple probably have a huge lack of communication between them as the sister said it's like they lead separate lives. What kind of marriage is that where you live together yet you don't discuss anything or do things together. So, maybe the sister could look to improve her relationship with her husaband whilst she's giving him dawah. She could dress up for him, do thing that please him, etc...and then from there start to give him dawah.
PiElle2
12-05-08, 08:08 AM
your friend should find a quiet time and talk with her husband and find out from him why he is acting that way when he should know that muslim women are supposed to cover up.
aisha2007
12-05-08, 08:24 AM
it was a love marriage, her family agreed to it in the end, can i also say, they have a child together.
I hav told her to sit him down and explain what areas the hijab should cover but i felt so lame saying that , i didnt know what to say to her :smack:
the family and the Imam should be getting involved. The Q'oran tells us that if we fear a breach we take representatives from each family to act as arbitrators.
If he persists then she should tell him that if it does not stop she will ask for divorce.
what type of signal is he sending to his child being aggressive and acting like a non-muslim and then again she is acting like a doormat by not persuing it.
If her family will not get involved (shame on them) then she needs to go and tell the local Imam. Thats what he is there for.
When I speak to her I’m trying to stay neutral as I do not know his side but it is becoming very difficult for me to do so with the things he is doing.
She has on numerous times confronted him to discuss the problems going on, (this is just something in along line of things he has been doing).
When she tries talking to him, she says he gets loud and starts shouting and the baby gets scared and starts crying and then she has to stop. The most she has got out from him is that he is "stressed about work".
She says:
He picks arguments with her over the slightest things,
When he comes home from work, he goes to his room and stays theres, doesn’t sit with her, only comes down to eat.
When he goes out its with his friends.
He doesn’t go out with her, unless its to a relatives place, where she says he laughs and jokes like nothing is wrong and its like a façade he puts on.
The company he keeps is not good.
I have asked her to leave the baby at her mum’s place and then confront him because that way she doesn’t have to worry about him shouting etc but she doesn’t seem to want to do this and thinks it will do no good, because he does things and then says "what did I do, why you upset for" - :scratch::eek3::0:
She said yesterday that she is scared he might hit her and if he were ever to go that far she would leave.
She says she is going tell him, that if he wants to leave this marriage then its ok, he doesn’t need to worry, she Is willing to take the blame in front of family that it is down to her it ended. She is fed up of 2 years of this mental and emotional turmoil (I have only been in contact with her since the end of last year).
I personally feel there is something going on that he is not telling her. From what she tells me about the kind of friends he keeps, I feel it is a possibility that he has someone else (but I would not dream of saying this to her as its just a hunch of mine).
I even told her to write everything in a letter to him about how she feels. I think she has just lost the will to make it work now, I don’t blame her personally as you can only do so much when only one person is trying to make something work.
Good idea about speaking to an imam, i will advise her that and I think she defo needs to confront him PROPERLY, leaving the baby at mum’s for abit, so they can both talk inshallah, I will also reiterate this to her again.
As-Salaamu alaykum Sis
Have you heard that story narrated by Khalid Yaseen on "Ghurabaah" by any chance?
Either way, i'll tell :)
Basically there was this couple and they were both not practicing and one day, the wife decides to change and she stops her habits of dressing down and mixing with men etc. So she informs her husband about her decision to become a better muslimah, however, he is not pleased and he says that if you change, then i want a divorce. And you know what?...They do divorce. The sister becomes a very pious and she becomes niqaabi aka ninjaabi and this attitude from her, is clear that this sister has become of the strangers [insha-Allah]. Then in the end, Shaykh Khalid makes a duaa for her, asking Allah to grant her a stranger :inlove:
Moral of the story: Your trust and allegiance is to Allah subhanaahu wa ta'ala at the end of the day and it is only through Him that you will gain mercy and protection from His jahannam.
This world is indeed temporary and this could be a test for the sister. So tell her to put her trust in Allah, do whatever she can to obey Him and His messenger and most importantly make DUAA. For all we know, her husband may gain hidayaah from Allah soon, insha-Allah.
AbuMubarak
12-05-08, 10:41 AM
if he refuses to pray, he isnt even muslim
she is not allowed to be married to a kafir
tell her to see a qadi or an imam and get away from this cuckold (not on her part, but on his) the prophet cursed a man who has no protection of his wifes modesty
Medievalist
12-05-08, 10:44 AM
You said that you thought he was wrong but didn't want to say it- I think you should've said it cos' he clearly was in the wrong here. I don't think he should be taken to an imam because he doesn't value religion so he certainly wont value the opinions of a religious leader. I grew up around men like this so I have some idea what she's dealing with. My guess is he came from a background in which from a young age, he's taught that status is attached to a good education and job whereas it's the dumb people who go to madrassas to learn Quran or preach religion- they don't know much about the world other than to tell people to grow beards and pray:o
When they got married, they both weren't practising so he probably thought he was marrying someone compatible and like minded but now that she's started covering, he feels like she's become a part of those negative stereotypes that he still hates. To go as far as ripping her shawl off is shameful though. I know a lot of (Muslim) guys who aren't fond of the hijab but they'd never go that far. Is there anyone practising in the family circle who he respects? I know this is a controversial thing to say but I'm going to suggest that she avoids discussing religion with him unless he says something or asks something himself. It's possible that he feels cornered if she keeps bringing up religious topics in the hope that he'd practise and this is just a reaction/manifestation of his frustration at that. Before practising, if there were things they did together as a couple like just chill together, eat out or take their child to the park, then they should still do those things- he might be feeling threatened that "becoming religious" is causing them to lose out on things they enjoyed doing during the marriage.
I know he's a bloke but if I had my way, I'd tell her to send him my way to get a piece of my mind:torture: If it reaches a point whereby he wants her to choose between him and the hijab- then he's clearly not worth it.
that was excellent advise. :up: mashaALLAH.
I agree, she should stop advising him, atleast for the time being. Perhaps he is feeling alienated or preached to, no doubt his wife wants the best for him, but sometimes no matter how sweetly a person advises us, our pride enrages us or makes us stubborn. May ALLAH Ta'ala make it easy for her. - ameen
Al-jafa
12-05-08, 11:30 AM
You said that you thought he was wrong but didn't want to say it- I think you should've said it cos' he clearly was in the wrong here. I don't think he should be taken to an imam because he doesn't value religion so he certainly wont value the opinions of a religious leader. I grew up around men like this so I have some idea what she's dealing with. My guess is he came from a background in which from a young age, he's taught that status is attached to a good education and job whereas it's the dumb people who go to madrassas to learn Quran or preach religion- they don't know much about the world other than to tell people to grow beards and pray:o
When they got married, they both weren't practising so he probably thought he was marrying someone compatible and like minded but now that she's started covering, he feels like she's become a part of those negative stereotypes that he still hates. To go as far as ripping her shawl off is shameful though. I know a lot of (Muslim) guys who aren't fond of the hijab but they'd never go that far. Is there anyone practising in the family circle who he respects? I know this is a controversial thing to say but I'm going to suggest that she avoids discussing religion with him unless he says something or asks something himself. It's possible that he feels cornered if she keeps bringing up religious topics in the hope that he'd practise and this is just a reaction/manifestation of his frustration at that. Before practising, if there were things they did together as a couple like just chill together, eat out or take their child to the park, then they should still do those things- he might be feeling threatened that "becoming religious" is causing them to lose out on things they enjoyed doing during the marriage.
I know he's a bloke but if I had my way, I'd tell her to send him my way to get a piece of my mind:torture: If it reaches a point whereby he wants her to choose between him and the hijab- then he's clearly not worth it.
I agree with that sugestion. This for some time will be better Insha.Allah.
Al-jafa
12-05-08, 11:37 AM
When he comes home from work, he goes to his room and stays theres, doesn’t sit with her, only comes down to eat.
When he goes out its with his friends.
He doesn’t go out with her, unless its to a relatives place, where she says he laughs and jokes like nothing is wrong and its like a façade he puts on.
The company he keeps is not good.
I personally feel there is something going on that he is not telling her. From what she tells me about the kind of friends he keeps, I feel it is a possibility that he has someone else (but I would not dream of saying this to her as its just a hunch of mine).
I even told her to write everything in a letter to him about how she feels. I think she has just lost the will to make it work now, I don’t blame her personally as you can only do so much when only one person is trying to make something work.
Good idea about speaking to an imam, i will advise her that and I think she defo needs to confront him PROPERLY, leaving the baby at mum’s for abit, so they can both talk inshallah, I will also reiterate this to her again. [/QUOTE]
I agree with you, as if its a love marriage how could the husband behave such???
I think may be they get marrid 2 early or the husband do not, not early practice prayers but also dnt know what love is.
maybe she needs to change her approach to him? a lot people do get put off if someone get a bit too preachy.
perhaps try being a better wife to him? practically show to him that islam has changed her for the better. i know one brother, who used to go out partying and everything while his wife stayed at home and prayed. she persevered, and tried to be the best wife she could despite all his faults... alhamdulillah... he soon started to feel guilty that his wife did everything for him, yet he contributed very little. it paid off and mashaAllah he started practising too :up:
also, if he sound uninterested in islam, then tell her to talk about islam to the baby (even if he/she can't understand) - read ahadith of virtues salaah, dhikr, etc to the baby everyday while the husband is home. might sound weird... but it will slowly change the environment around the house for the better inshaAllah.
if he refuses to pray, he isnt even muslim
she is not allowed to be married to a kafir
tell her to see a qadi or an imam and get away from this cuckold (not on her part, but on his) the prophet cursed a man who has no protection of his wifes modesty
whats a cuckold:rubeyes:
is the kaafir thing for definate, that she has ti divorce him, or does the opinion vary between the schools of thought or scholars?
you guys have raised some very helpful points and i will raise them with her and i was thinking of asking her to write to her inlaws backhome maybe they can have a word with him if none of the above sorts things but thats a last recourse
sis i posted this before about the one who doesnt pray and who refuses to pray their marriage can be made invalid by this..
http://www.ummah.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2582128&postcount=19
Explaining the serious implications of the view that they are kaafirs, such as their marriages being rendered invalid, it being forbidden for them to remain with, and be intimate with their wives, and the fact that they will not be washed and prayed for after they die. Among the texts that indicate that the one who does not pray is a kaafir is the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer.” Narrated by Muslim, 82. and he said: “The covenant that stands between us and them is prayer; whoever gives it up is a kaafir.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2621; al-Nasaa’i, 463; Ibn Maajah, 1079.
whats a cuckold:rubeyes:
is the kaafir thing for definate, that she has ti divorce him, or does the opinion vary between the schools of thought or scholars?
you guys have raised some very helpful points and i will raise them with her and i was thinking of asking her to write to her inlaws backhome maybe they can have a word with him if none of the above sorts things but thats a last recourse
getting the guys parents involved will probably make things worse... i mean you are going to tell her to criticise him to his own parent? doesn't sound it will go down too well!
there is a difference of opinions about the emaan of a person who does not pray... something even the sahabas did not agree on. i don't think going down that path will be helpful. i mean just imagine if she went up to her husband and said "pray... or you are a kaafir!" will probably make matters worse.
Pippin1376
12-05-08, 04:47 PM
When I speak to her I’m trying to stay neutral as I do not know his side but it is becoming very difficult for me to do so with the things he is doing.
She has on numerous times confronted him to discuss the problems going on, (this is just something in along line of things he has been doing).
When she tries talking to him, she says he gets loud and starts shouting and the baby gets scared and starts crying and then she has to stop. The most she has got out from him is that he is "stressed about work".
She says:
He picks arguments with her over the slightest things,
When he comes home from work, he goes to his room and stays theres, doesn’t sit with her, only comes down to eat.
When he goes out its with his friends.
He doesn’t go out with her, unless its to a relatives place, where she says he laughs and jokes like nothing is wrong and its like a façade he puts on.
The company he keeps is not good.
I have asked her to leave the baby at her mum’s place and then confront him because that way she doesn’t have to worry about him shouting etc but she doesn’t seem to want to do this and thinks it will do no good, because he does things and then says "what did I do, why you upset for" - :scratch::eek3::0:
She said yesterday that she is scared he might hit her and if he were ever to go that far she would leave.
Sis if he wasn't always like this, and this is new, he could be suffering from something. Maybe they should go to a doctor to get him checked at. Or maybe he did something and is now too ashamed of it, so he's pushing her away. I don't know. But if this is something that just recently happened, then there is something going on mentally with him that needs to be looked at.
Also like Sister `Asiya and Brother AbuMubarak said, if he doesn't pray then she needs to go to an Imam, because their marriage may be null and void at this time.
Tell her to say this to her husband:
"look, things have been pretty bad lately and if we keep going down this path we both know what will happen [divorce], and if you still care about this marriage then now is the time to talk."
If he opens up and talk to her then there is hope, if he doesn't, then her course of action is pretty clear.
getting the guys parents involved will probably make things worse... i mean you are going to tell her to criticise him to his own parent? doesn't sound it will go down too well!
there is a difference of opinions about the emaan of a person who does not pray... something even the sahabas did not agree on. i don't think going down that path will be helpful. i mean just imagine if she went up to her husband and said "pray... or you are a kaafir!" will probably make matters worse.
after trying everything she can, IMO its better to go to his parents, that he respects and will listen to than end up getting a divorce and their family being destroyed,no?
But that would be if it ever came to divorce - make or break kinda thing.
Sis if he wasn't always like this, and this is new, he could be suffering from something. Maybe they should go to a doctor to get him checked at. Or maybe he did something and is now too ashamed of it, so he's pushing her away. I don't know. But if this is something that just recently happened, then there is something going on mentally with him that needs to be looked at.
Also like Sister `Asiya and Brother AbuMubarak said, if he doesn't pray then she needs to go to an Imam, because their marriage may be null and void at this time.
they have been married 3 years, 2 and a half years its been like this according to her.
Tell her to say this to her husband:
"look, things have been pretty bad lately and if we keep going down this path we both know what will happen [divorce], and if you still care about this marriage then now is the time to talk."
If he opens up and talk to her then there is hope, if he doesn't, then her course of action is pretty clear.
She has said this numerous times but it gets in an argument, i dont think its as clear cut as that
Khubaib
12-05-08, 07:49 PM
after trying everything she can, IMO its better to go to his parents, that he respects and will listen to than end up getting a divorce and their family being destroyed,no?
Yes, go to his parents inshallah. But if they are like "our poor son stuck with a disobedient wife, let mum make you some biryani" type of parents it may not work. But inshallah they'll be able to make him understand.
RazielTemp
12-05-08, 08:55 PM
Asalaam alaikum,
I am writing this thread just to get some opinions/ideas of what i can say to make a sister's situation a little better inshallah.
Basically i know a sister and lately she had been saying how her marriage is in rut at the moment and she feels like its coming to an end and her hubbie refuses to discuss the ongoing issues.....basically they are like 2 people living in the same house but leading separate lives?
She wears hijab and he is not happy about this and is alot of the time making jibes to her about it.
Anywho today she said that she was getting ready to go out, with her SIL and the kids to the park, she put her hijab on but draped a shawl across her as well, because the hijab did not reach all the way down....anywho what followed was her hubbie getting angry and asking why she is wearing two scarves and then went on to rip of her shawl from her, in front of other family members :(
The sister was in tears crying over the phone and obviously felt humiliated, i now do not know what to advise her as alot of the time i have been able to make excuses for her husband but i dont know what to advise now because i dont wanna say "yeh he is in the wrongl" cos it might make the situation worse?
Her family members do not wish to be involved in the marriage problems unfortunately, so involoving them is not possible.
Any ideas/opinions welcome!
(please keep them in your duas as well)
:smack:
This Ayah makes it clear that any Fasiq who says things contrary to what Allah Ta'ala commanded, his words aught to be Rejected, and Allah Ta'alas accepted, otherwise we are facing Destruction ...
Al-Quran, Chapter 9 : Verse 24
-------------------------------
Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious. "
:jkk:
Her husband a freshie?
What kind of an existence is that in which you're scared your partner might hit you? That's a living hell.
Speak to him and explain WHY it's important for women to cover.
If it doesn't work, ignore him and cover anyway.
If that doesn't work.......divorce him.
RazielTemp
12-05-08, 09:02 PM
Speak to him and explain WHY it's important for women to cover.
If it doesn't work, ignore him and cover anyway.
If that doesn't work.......divorce him.
excellent advice Ukthi ... :up:
:jkk:
Her husband a freshie?
What kind of an existence is that in which you're scared your partner might hit you? That's a living hell.
yes he is a freshie
Speak to him and explain WHY it's important for women to cover.
If it doesn't work, ignore him and cover anyway.
If that doesn't work.......divorce him.
jazakallah sis, yes i advised her 2 days ago to sit him down and speak to him in a non- confronting manner and just explain the basics of hijab but she is adamant he knows what the basics are about hijab because he is in his 30's , i had to explain that unfortunately someones age does not mean they have knowldge :smack:
This Ayah makes it clear that any Fasiq who says things contrary to what Allah Ta'ala commanded, his words aught to be Rejected, and Allah Ta'alas accepted, otherwise we are facing Destruction ...
Al-Quran, Chapter 9 : Verse 24
-------------------------------
Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious. "
:jkk:
jazakallah brother
If he's a freshie then usually, most, dont have a clue about hijaab. They think if you wear it you are backwards.
If he's a freshie then usually, most, dont have a clue about hijaab. They think if you wear it you are backwards.
could be the case here but not 100% sure, i know what you mean though, if you cover your an unintelligent plank of wood and if you let everything out, your a woman of the world :rolleyes:
I'm not the superstitious type, but in other marriages where this sort of thing goes on, the elders often think that such an extreme and abrupt change in a man's behaviour could be a sign of the influence of black magic? If she tries reciting a little Quran when he's in the next room within earshot of her and he goes nuts, then that's a sign of this sort of foul play but Allahu Alim. Magic or no magic, he's behaving like a @)
If he's a freshie then usually, most, dont have a clue about hijaab. They think if you wear it you are backwards.
Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking. I also totally agree with Khubaib's post. If the husband has civilised parents then they will try to talk him round or reason with him but if he has jahil parents, then they will blame her for everything and make matters worse.
who d man
13-05-08, 11:11 PM
mayb da guy feelz embarassed bein outside wid her tell her not 2 go all out
Supernova Nebula
13-05-08, 11:18 PM
mayb da guy feelz embarassed bein outside wid her tell her not 2 go all out
the most pathetic excuse I've ever read a husband feeling embarrassed to be seen with her hijabi wife. why married her in teh first place?
I'm not the superstitious type, but in other marriages where this sort of thing goes on, the elders often think that such an extreme and abrupt change in a man's behaviour could be a sign of the influence of black magic? If she tries reciting a little Quran when he's in the next room within earshot of her and he goes nuts, then that's a sign of this sort of foul play but Allahu Alim. Magic or no magic, he's behaving like a @)
Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking. I also totally agree with Khubaib's post. If the husband has civilised parents then they will try to talk him round or reason with him but if he has jahil parents, then they will blame her for everything and make matters worse.
yeh she has been to someone incase its that kinda stuff and she said she will not talk about islam to him anymore, unless he asks and just be the best wife she can but i dont know how much she will be able to take .
His dad is very unwell and i dnot thinkshe wants bring them into it for this reason but she will have to if it goes as far as divorce i think, at elast his mum or something.
mayb da guy feelz embarassed bein outside wid her tell her not 2 go all out
whaaa? "not to go allout?" what do you mean?
who d man
15-05-08, 01:56 PM
supernova b. i dunno is hijab wer dey wear all black or jus da headscarf. n dont speak 2 me like im some idiot
Ur sis in Islam
15-05-08, 02:20 PM
mayb da guy feelz embarassed bein outside wid her tell her not 2 go all out
Why would he be embarassed?? I mean any pious brother would feel soo much more comfortable that his wife is covered from head to toe! and that she is safe from the evil stares of non-mahrems! and the main thing is that she is covering for the sake of Allah and shoudnt her husband be their to support her and vice versa! and what do you mean by "not to go all out"?:S
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