What would you do/what is right?

[love is blind]

Aslaam,
i come on here to seek advice as i'm feeling extremely desperate and alone.
for those who may not remember me, i separted from my husband 2 months ago after he beat me mercilissly and have been at my mum and dad's house.
my husband has since been contacting me through a mutual friend and i have fallen weak and spoke with him. Even though he is sorry for what he did and recongnises it was haraam part of me feels he still has the same anger issues.
what i seek advice in...
he is saying that he still loves me very much, wants me back, promises things will change..but has also said he will not come to my mum/dad to ask for forgivness/2 ask them for me back (pride). he expects me to walk back into the house have no more contact with my family and live with him while he plays happy families with his own.
my parents and family say i should divorce as they don't trust that he will be able to treat me right.my friends are also worried and afraid for me.
i told him the condition, he has today told me it's not accepted but also that he will not set me free (talaq).
since i have left him i have gone in2 deep depression, just cry all the time, heart is so weak..it still sees him as husband. i am afraid of the future scared if i meet someone / move on they will be like/worse than husband. i am paraying salat hajah and dua to strenghten my heart..i now patience..but all i wana do is go back and try 2 make my marraige work..but when i think of what condition he has put..that i have no contact with my family..i just wana die.......

[Umm_Hanzalah]

It's up to you to decide whether or not you ever want to see your family again. What kind of husband would ask you to cut all contact with your parents? Do you want to have contact with your family, or are you willing to give that up justo be with him. I know what I would choose, but I'm not you.

And trust me sister, there are plenty better men out there who would never ask you to sever relations with your Mum and Dad.

[turquoise]

Salaam,

This right here:

Aslaam,
he has today told me it's not accepted but also that he will not set me free (talaq).

tells you all you need to know about the sort of man that he is. He sounds like he has serious issues with anger and control. Why else would he ask you to sever contact with your family? (That's haram, by the way - just like refusing to divorce you and beating you is haram.)

Violent men don't usually change without serious couseling. You might want to believe he's changed, but if you go back to him and he prevents you from contacting your family... what will you do if he hasn't? The fact that he's trying to assert control, rather than earning your trust back, indicates to me that you should expect more of the same.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

He can't hold you as a prisoner forever by not giving you talaq. You can get a Khul', this is when a woman initiates the divorce and the man has to give it. If you decide you want a divorce, this could also be an option for you.

It's not the end of the world sister. Things can get beter inshAllah, trust Allah and after hardship there is ease and time is also a means of healing pain.

[Medievalist]

love is blind:

your husband has apologised. how would it be if he has genuinely changed and you dont give him a chance? give him the benefit of the doubt and return to him. :up:

[salam786]

love is blind:

your husband has apologised. how would it be if he has genuinely changed and you dont give him a chance? give him the benefit of the doubt and return to him. :up:

^Fair enough but what will happen when the going gets tough again, only this time she will have no support from her family due to her husband stupid demands to cut family ties off completely? and how arrognant is he that he won't come down to the house and apologise to you in person not that its a big issue if he doesn't come down to your parents house but still if he lets his so called "pride" get in the way, then it makes you think what has really changed?

[nomoreillusions]

love is blind:

your husband has apologised. how would it be if he has genuinely changed and you dont give him a chance? give him the benefit of the doubt and return to him. :up:

The only benefit you should offer is to allow him time to prove he has changed.

Proof will not come by way of demanding you leave your family. Proof will not come by way of his stubborn pride. Proof will not come by way of refusal to give you a divorce if you wish one.

Proof will come through honest effort on his part to seek out and stick with serious counseling, anger management, and probably religious studies with someone who can point out his unIslamic behaviour.

Proof may take a very long time. But YOU are worth it.

You have the right to keep yourself out of a harmful situation, to keep yourself safe and whole. You have the right to expect to be treated with all dignity, honour and love. You have the right to be free from physical beatings and mental or emotional manipulations or abuse.

Love is not something we can help. I well believe that you do still love him very much. But don't allow your feelings of love to lead you back into a situation that could very well see you wind up dead.

Countless women beaten by their husbands still love them, and some have gone back time and again until their husbands literally beat them to death.

So do not let your feelings of love lead you into a situation that could be disasterous to you!

If he is willing to *work* on his anger and his violence, and he is willing to put in the time and effort to prove to you he has changed, then allow him to do so.

If he is unwilling, then what proof can he possibly offer you that he has changed one bit and is not merely wanting you back to beat you again? Especially with such overbearing and unreasonable demands. What right does he, the abuser, have to make these demands of you?

[Medievalist]

1. Its not clear to me that he wants her to have nothing to do with her parents? that'd just be weird?

2. you're looking at it from a ladies view that he is being proud. maybe he's so embarassed and ashamed that he cant bring himself infront of her parents?

3. I stick with my advice. Go back to the husband.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

1. Its not clear to me that he wants her to have nothing to do with her parents? that'd just be weird?

.

Not just weird, but bad, totally unislamic and oppressive.

[nomoreillusions]

1. Its not clear to me that he wants her to have nothing to do with her parents? that'd just be weird?

he expects me to walk back into the house have no more contact with my family and live with him while he plays happy families with his own.

Doesn't seem weird. It seems a perfectly natural desire on the part of an abusive, controlling husband to cut off the support system for his wife so she'll be less likely to stand up for her rights and prevent him abusing her or leaving him.

It happens ALL. THE. TIME.

[Medievalist]

You ladies are the typical example of the problem causing women in a marriage. Rather than advise something to cause reconciliation you make clucking sounds over the woman to make her feel good. Just be careful what you advise - khuda na khasta today a woman takes your advise and ruins her marriage, tomorrow you're gonna have to answer for breaking a muslim marriage.


over and out.

:salams

[Umm_Hanzalah]

You ladies are the typical example of the problem causing women in a marriage. Rather than advise something to cause reconciliation you make clucking sounds over the woman to make her feel good. Just be careful what you advise - khuda na khasta today a woman takes your advise and ruins her marriage, tomorrow you're gonna have to answer for breaking a muslim marriage.


over and out.

:salams

I'm just pointing out reality, not sugar coating, nor telling her to specifically divorce her husband. The option is hers, not mine nor yours.

[nomoreillusions]

You ladies are the typical example of the problem causing women in a marriage. Rather than advise something to cause reconciliation you make clucking sounds over the woman to make her feel good. Just be careful what you advise - khuda na khasta today a woman takes your advise and ruins her marriage, tomorrow you're gonna have to answer for breaking a muslim marriage.


over and out.

:salams

You men are the typical example of teh problem causing men in a marriage. Men can do no wrong, whatever you do, and women just have to put up with it or *we're* to blame for things not working.

Right, the husband beating her and demanding she cut off all contact with her family isn't what will "break" this marriage, it's the advice that if he is genuine about change, that he show evidence of it. Yah.. *that's* sure to ruin a marriage.

Be careful what YOU advise, you may have to answer for a dead muslimah you advised to return to her abusive husband with no evidence of his altering his abusive ways.



Yes, i imagine soon I'll be able to add "professional marriage destroyer" to my title. Us women. Tsk. :rolleyes:




By the way, I DID advise what can be done to reconsile the marriage. HE has to prove that he will no longer beat her and HE has to work hard at proving that his old ways are ammended. HE has to seek counseling, anger managmenent and religious studies. If he does all that, then she should feel safe in moving back in with her husband.

[XRUHYX]

Sis, do you really want to cut all ties with your parents and go back just to have him in your life?

What would you do if he turns out to be still the same? where would you go? remember, your parents have rights over you even after marriage.

I don't know what sort of decent man would tell his wife to cut off all ties with her parents! if he says he still loves you then does he not love you enough to come and take you back? why do you have to go crawling back to him? He cares about his own pride yet does not understand yours.

You need to think hard and do istikhara and then decide what you want to do sis but I if I was you, I don't think I would go back with those conditions.

May Allah help you decide the best Inshallah.

:wswrwb:

[DALEHYR]

As Salam Wa Alaikum Wa Rehamatullahi Wa Barakhatahu dear sister in Islam. I am very sorry to hear of what happened. This is unacceptable and pray to ALLAH Ta'ala that whatever decision you make you are safe, Ameen... :)

[aisha2007]

1. Its not clear to me that he wants her to have nothing to do with her parents? that'd just be weird?

2. you're looking at it from a ladies view that he is being proud. maybe he's so embarassed and ashamed that he cant bring himself infront of her parents?

3. I stick with my advice. Go back to the husband.


With respect I think your advice is tainted.
A person (whether male or female) with anger issues will never change. It takes a long time of counselling and addressing the issues alone without pulling another person into it.
The ideal thing for him is to cut her off from her family...it is a form of control.
She will then have no one to turn to and only have reliance on him.

Sister, stay with your family. Your parents didn't bring you up to be a punchbag.

And take it from someone who knows....they never change. They either get more violent or more controlling.
And you want to live like that???

If he was truly sorry regardless of pride, arrogance, shame....he would apologise to your family. He would go get some help for his anger issues. Only then could you even consider trying to make a go of this.

[neelu]

Sister, pray dua istikhara as that is the dua you make when you seek whichever outcome would be best for you both in this life and in the next. Just when I was about to write some responses to Med's posts, Umm Hanzalah and NMI wrote what was on my mind so I'll definitely agree with what they've said in response to him:

Not just weird, but bad, totally unislamic and oppressive.

Doesn't seem weird. It seems a perfectly natural desire on the part of an abusive, controlling husband to cut off the support system for his wife so she'll be less likely to stand up for her rights and prevent him abusing her or leaving him.

It happens ALL. THE. TIME.

I wouldn't completely overgeneralise with the term "you men", but I agree with NMI's sentiments in this post too. Perhaps I'd have written "You Med" instead;)

You men are the typical example of teh problem causing men in a marriage. Men can do no wrong, whatever you do, and women just have to put up with it or *we're* to blame for things not working.

Be careful what YOU advise, you may have to answer for a dead muslimah you advised to return to her abusive husband with no evidence of his altering his abusive ways.

Yes, i imagine soon I'll be able to add "professional marriage destroyer" to my title. Us women. Tsk. :rolleyes:

[PiElle2]

sis... yes, i do remember you, i would be one who will discourage couple from splitting up but honestly, i was shocked to hear the kind of treatment you got from him, and i dun think anyone woman deserve that from her husband...

i have to agree with the sisters here... i suppose the 'men' will never understand the terrifying feelings we women have...

i think best thing to do now is make a calculated decision... work on both your conditions and try to agree on something... and persuade him to treat your marriage more seriously... ie. get witnesses for your conditions, seek counselling, therapy, go for islamic classes... that is the only right thing both of you can do for yourself and each other for this kind of situation... move forward with healthy changes, even if it's bit by bit... make sure both have to agree on this too... and you both can work towards to a healthy, successful marriage...

tell him you need your family, i'm sure he doesn't like you to be away from him, but just in case he acts up again (i'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you again) you have a safe place to go... hopefully, it'll help with the process of his changing... actually... why not seek professional advice on anger management and see what they recommend or advice on this...

sis, do not bet on your life with a few moments of loneliness and desperation, you are stronger than you think, Allah is always near with you...

[love is blind]

Aslaam,
Thankyou for your replies it has helped to shed some light at a very dark time. i have been very angry lately and have neglected my duty Allah, but more angry at myself for feeling so worthless and low to have allowed my husband to treat me the way he has. Inshallah i have just prayed and feel better and inshallah i will pray ishtikhara and Allah will guide me with what is right in this life and the next.

My family are angry with me and although supportive they are saying there is no chance of a reconciliation and THEY want talaq. Since i can remember i have been excited about getting married, knowing my destiny and speding my life with that 1 person. Now when it has all been taken away i can't help but feel desperate, alone and a failure!
i know i should have faith and sabar that inshallah Allah will have someone else someone better in store for me, but now i am just afarid. if it was up to me i would forgive my husband and return and give him 1 last chance and work with him and support him with any anger managment..but my family say they will not support me and infact have been arguing with me telling me i am weak and pathetic to have allowed this man to treat me in this way.Torn that is how i feel struggling through evry hour of evryday. All i wanted was to be married...

[LiveIslam]

ive been thorugh this with a member of a family everytime he did it he sed he will changed, but its been 26 years and hes still using abuse. Its only now Allah has given him the biggest trial in his life yet he dosnt know why, But has he changed i dnt know.

Trust me it messes your whole family up and bruses you so much that you turn into a different person.

[AhlaamYasmina]

love is blind, sister, we pray that Allah does not put us in your shoes and that He relieves you from your distress. Subhanalah. Sister the hardships you endured during your marriage could be one of Allah's ways of testing you. Now that you have seperated from him, you have to decide whether to take him back or not. This could be an even bigger test for you. if out of you mercy and kindness you decide to take him back, you should make it very clear to him that you are not prepared to compromise your faith for him, such as when he's ordering you to break ties with the people who've done nothing but raise you with their love. And for your own safety and wellbeing, you should disscuss with him his behavior and change. walahu aclam

[1 Level]

love is blind:

your husband has apologised. how would it be if he has genuinely changed and you dont give him a chance? give him the benefit of the doubt and return to him. :up:



lets beat the living daylights out of you and see how you feel afterwards benefit of the doubt or otherwise :up:

[Sister-Ameena*]

:salams This sounds like the typical abusive relationship where the husband begs you to come back and promises that he'll change. It all sounds like bull.

Do you know haram it is to sever ties with your kin? Sister, just leave him and make du'a that Allah blesses you with someone better inshaa Allaah.

[Medievalist]

lets beat the living daylights out of you and see how you feel afterwards benefit of the doubt or otherwise :up:

acting the big man over the net. meet me sometime and we see how u need a nappy **roll eyes**

[1 Level]

acting the big man over the net. meet me sometime and we see how u need a nappy **roll eyes**



you have obviously missed my point there is no big man about my post,grow up brother.

[Danniella]

You ladies are the typical example of the problem causing women in a marriage. Rather than advise something to cause reconciliation you make clucking sounds over the woman to make her feel good. Just be careful what you advise - khuda na khasta today a woman takes your advise and ruins her marriage, tomorrow you're gonna have to answer for breaking a muslim marriage.


over and out.

:salams

Salaam Brother,

Would you accept a reconciliation whether with a partner or friend who beat you merciless, demanded you sever ties with your family and showed no remorse over their unIslamic behaviour?

I doubt very much!

This isn't a game of battle of sexes. You will NEVER understand the torment and grief a woman will endure in an abusive marriage. So rather than criticise other woman for only showing solidairty and comfort to our sisterhood, TRY to imagine yourself in the victim's shoes and then offer some respectful advice.

[Fairy]

acting the big man over the net. meet me sometime and we see how u need a nappy **roll eyes**

Are you serious? I think the poster was probably trying to make you think about if you were in that situation. What if it was your sister or mother in that situation. You would force them to stay? Always think from both sides of the story!!!

[Redmist]

1. Its not clear to me that he wants her to have nothing to do with her parents? that'd just be weird?

2. you're looking at it from a ladies view that he is being proud. maybe he's so embarassed and ashamed that he cant bring himself infront of her parents?

3. I stick with my advice. Go back to the husband.

Stop making pathetic excuses for the Idiot!

If he beats his wife mercilessly and puts down a condition that if she returns to him she has no more to do with her family, that kind of man is........im not gonna say it. But i dont respect men like that.

Sis i understand that you still love him and u still see him as husband, but i would put a condition to him that you will go back if he does'nt stop u from seeing ur family. Then i would advise to go back if you really want, and it feels like you really Want to!!

ILl be quite frank as i am all the time and i know about these things, men like that rarely change! Im a Man so i know about Men and what they're like. Further to the point sis, you have to ask yourself why he beat you? Did he beat you because you were being disobedient, doing what he did not approve of. Do you think its justified that he beat you for whatever reason. Or was he just a hot head and flys off the handle at the smallest things and uses you as a punchbag? You ask yourself these ? then you decide.

But sis if you want my honest opinion you should leave him :torture:

if he does'nt give you divorce get a fatwa to get the marriage annuled.

I can not understand men who wont give their wives divorce just out of spite. :torture:

[.: hayat :.]

Aslaam,
i come on here to seek advice as i'm feeling extremely desperate and alone.
for those who may not remember me, i separted from my husband 2 months ago after he beat me mercilissly and have been at my mum and dad's house.
my husband has since been contacting me through a mutual friend and i have fallen weak and spoke with him. Even though he is sorry for what he did and recongnises it was haraam part of me feels he still has the same anger issues.
what i seek advice in...
he is saying that he still loves me very much, wants me back, promises things will change..but has also said he will not come to my mum/dad to ask for forgivness/2 ask them for me back (pride). he expects me to walk back into the house have no more contact with my family and live with him while he plays happy families with his own.
my parents and family say i should divorce as they don't trust that he will be able to treat me right.my friends are also worried and afraid for me.
i told him the condition, he has today told me it's not accepted but also that he will not set me free (talaq).
since i have left him i have gone in2 deep depression, just cry all the time, heart is so weak..it still sees him as husband. i am afraid of the future scared if i meet someone / move on they will be like/worse than husband. i am paraying salat hajah and dua to strenghten my heart..i now patience..but all i wana do is go back and try 2 make my marraige work..but when i think of what condition he has put..that i have no contact with my family..i just wana die.......
wht he is asking and showing is not love,,,n as ur username say 'love is blind'-ur love is blind.all i tell u is just divorce,,,i'm talking cuse i know too much a similar situation.

[.: hayat :.]

Stop making pathetic excuses for the Idiot!


But sis if you want my honest opinion you should leave him :torture:

if he does'nt give you divorce get a fatwa to get the marriage annuled.

I can not understand men who wont give their wives divorce just out of spite. :torture:

exactly...maybe next time sis u won't be just beat by tht man(i cannot say husband), it might be worse astaghfirullah :(

[PiElle2]

sis... there may be a lot of comfort words and advices given here, but at the end of the day, you will still be the one, physical, and emotional, living your own life.

whichever decision you take, you have to know you are responsible for your own life and perhaps your children should you have them in future inshallah.

one thing for sure, if you choose to go back to this man (who's known to have abusive history cos u experience it first hand, btw would you risk your future children's life to it too?)... you have to know that he is not going to change overnight... ask yourself how much time are you willing to give this man to change for the better...? 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? 20 years...?

or could you be doing something else for the same period of time...

take your time to think, sis... and do istikhara prayers...

May Allah guide you...

[Enigma Dreamer]

Assalaamu 'aleykum sister. From his actions, I have to say he doesn't look like a a good person. He beat you then says he doesn't want to come to your parents and apologise. Did you ask him why? What guarantee do you have that he will not do it again? More importantly, what brought up the beating in the first place? Is he a drug addict or just someone with no characters? Do you have any children with him? I would advise you to look at the situation in a more sober way. If he is a drug addict and that caused him beating you; if he doesn't want to come to your parents because he despises them; if you don't have any children with him; then maybe go to a Kadi (Islamic judge) if there is one and you have the right to ask for a divorce because of his beating you that may result in harming you. Don't listen to your heart, listen to the pair who accepted you back to their home after he beat you, listen to your brain, listen to his characters and the situation, and ask Allah (s.w.) for guidance and pray for him.

[Enigma Dreamer]

if he does'nt give you divorce get a fatwa to get the marriage annuled.


Sis, a fatwa doesn't annul marriage. But the sister has every right to go to a Kadhi (Islamic judge) if there is one and ask for a divorce because this is a dangerous situation that might be a matter of life and death.

[Genghis]

Yoo.... this fool beats his wife....

Mannnn thoba people like this... dang they make me sooo.. argggg...

Man there should never be an excuse to hit a sister/wife,

Love is Blind, sis I read through your whole post and this whole thread, the man seems like a verrrrry foul character.. heck I aint met him and Im judging him.. his character sais alot,

Sister inshallah you dont need this nutbar, stay strong everyday is a new day, Allah will help you, you just gotta have trust in him, Inshallah you will find the right man, just leave this nutter and Inshallah god willing you'll be smiling happy again,

You've shed enough tears.. it pains me to hear people are hurting from people like this who call themselv's men,

Inshallah good luck you "WILL" get through this,

Now turn that frown upside down, grab some tissue wipe those tears, and carry on with your life :up:

[love is blind]

Please don't judge/hate
i feel absolutely terrible and desperate. i have been contacting him and through extreme anger i asked him for talaaq..now he won't answer any of my calls and he's making me go crazy..have i not gone through enuff without him hanging me now by a thread and playing with my life..how can such people live with themselves without fear of Allah that is watching EVERYTHING

[RashidD]

I am not advising you for divorce, and i am not advising against it.

However, if you are adamant for divorce, why can't you ask for khul?

[PiElle2]

Please don't judge/hate
i feel absolutely terrible and desperate. i have been contacting him and through extreme anger i asked him for talaaq..now he won't answer any of my calls and he's making me go crazy..have i not gone through enuff without him hanging me now by a thread and playing with my life..how can such people live with themselves without fear of Allah that is watching EVERYTHING

sis.. sorry to hear you are feeling terrible and desperate... i wish we can help you to make things better for you by the click of our fingers but alas we can't... you have said it yourself, you asked for talaaq when extremely angry... hey... that's not the way to salvage a realtionship... is it...? pls calm down... take a deep breath and seek Allah's help to dissolve your anger, first...

i'm sure he is also feeling hurt that you have ask for it... it's really pointless to return hurt for hurt... sis... calm down...

give him time to cool down...

so he's not the perfect, ideal husband you were expecting...

give yourself time to cool down also and pls... say and do things for better things to happen... not worse...

it takes 2 to get into a fight... do you want to be part of a fight?

like you say, Allah is watching, that includes you too right...?

[Joha]

2. you're looking at it from a ladies view that he is being proud. maybe he's so embarassed and ashamed that he cant bring himself infront of her parents?


Do you know sister - this right here shows that he hasn't changed. What sort of a man is he that he cannot bring himself to admit he is wrong and ask for forgiveness? (Or apologise to your parents?) If he had truly changed, that would be the first thing he would do.

Get rid of him - men like that should be treated exactly as they treat you, unless they show some extraordinary change.

Asking you to come back, leave your family, and not apologising is hardly showing 'extraordinary change'. Ignoring your calls isn't exactly very manly.

Get an Islamic divorce, then ask a civil court to annul the marriage. If he resists and tries to make the divorce lengthy and messy, threaten to expose his behaviour in court. That's the only way to deal with people who refuse to change.

[love is blind]

i know you are right. at first i was v. calm i didn't want to speak with him / see him. Then his friend arragned for me to speak with him and see him and since such time i feel i have lost control. All that anger has gone and now once again i am at his mercy..he controls evrything and i am left here waiting.

i feel let down by this girl who was acting as a so-called friend to me n him but all she has infact done is weaken me and stregthen him. so i asked she not interfere, she told him not to talk 2 me..he has stopped answering my calls.whose his nikah with me / her?

[love is blind]

pls tell me what i should be reading..i am really trying not 2 get angry and really want 2 get away from how i am feeling right now.
my family have given me a taveez to drink and since i have been drinking it (7 days) i have felt like this..broken like i have no control, angry, desperate then next minute crying!i feel like i'm losing my mind but my family don't belive that it is the taveez they think i'm angry NOW that my husband hit me..months ago!!

[Joha]

my family have given me a taveez to drink and since i have been drinking it (7 days) i have felt like this..broken like i have no control, angry, desperate then next minute crying!i feel like i'm losing my mind but my family don't belive that it is the taveez they think i'm angry NOW that my husband hit me..months ago!!

Sister, actions like that are mere superstitions, no better than the superstitions of the pagans, with no basis in the Qur'an or the sunnah of the Prophet (saw).

Recite the Qur'an, do the superogatory prayers, and make du'aa.

The best advice, other than carrying on with any proceedings you decide on is:

'Seek Allah's help with patient perseverance and Salah...' [Baqarah 2:45]

Perhaps someone else can give you something specific to read...but there's nothing like reciting the Qur'an to soothe the heart and calm the mind.

[PiElle2]

sis... it's not about who's strong and who's weak. there's always strength in weakness and weakness in strength.

try to be grateful towards your friend who tried to help, whether it worked or not, she's also helpless when it comes to matters of other people's marriages.

from your side, the situation now is whether you have the patience to deal with this type of man that causes you anguish all the time, for the rest of our life.

or would you rather have a clean, sharp break with this man. and look forward to a new future.

sis... pray, ask, talk and cry to Allah for your answers...

[miss-islamic]

You men are the typical example of teh problem causing men in a marriage. Men can do no wrong, whatever you do, and women just have to put up with it or *we're* to blame for things not working.

Right, the husband beating her and demanding she cut off all contact with her family isn't what will "break" this marriage, it's the advice that if he is genuine about change, that he show evidence of it. Yah.. *that's* sure to ruin a marriage.

Be careful what YOU advise, you may have to answer for a dead muslimah you advised to return to her abusive husband with no evidence of his altering his abusive ways.



Yes, i imagine soon I'll be able to add "professional marriage destroyer" to my title. Us women. Tsk. :rolleyes:




By the way, I DID advise what can be done to reconsile the marriage. HE has to prove that he will no longer beat her and HE has to work hard at proving that his old ways are ammended. HE has to seek counseling, anger managmenent and religious studies. If he does all that, then she should feel safe in moving back in with her husband.

Damn straight. You really rock sometimes. There are people, like medievalist, who are born and raised in the west and they still have that mentality. Growing up, they need.

[Umm_Hanzalah]

Stay away from that taweez business.

You need to put your trust in Allah and remember that this guy isn't all that, he can't control your life. Nothing happens without Allah's will......read Quran, memorise duas, recite morning and evenning duas as well as others.

If you really want a divorce just get a khul'. You can contact these people if you're in the UK: http://www.islamic-sharia.org/, or if you're not in the UK you can still get advice on what to do inshAllah.

[Enigma Dreamer]

Sister, seems u don't have children with him, so, I would advise you to take time. Try to forget him and read Quran and pray. Then go to someone who knows Islamic sharia and I know if you go to Kadhi, you have a right to ask for a divorce. He doesn't look good to me because he isn't even answering your call. He doesn't look like a true man.

[neelu]

Abusive spouses are always control freaks and the most important thing to them is keeping control of the spouse; control is more important to them than the welfare of anyone else and is even more important to them than Allah (swt). The only true sign of change from him would be a show of humility in which he is willing to publicly OPENLY admit to what he has done in front of your parents, sincerely asking you to forgive him (striding up to you and saying "Yeah it wasn't right for me to hit you but you provoked me cos' you picked up a pen when I've already told you you're not allowed to write" is NOT an apology) and taking steps to change such as attending an anger management course. The very fact that he's unwilling to accept any responsibility to change on his own part is his own way of manipulating you to maintain control. This separation is just a power game to him.


now he won't answer any of my calls and he's making me go crazy..have i not gone through enuff without him hanging me now by a thread and playing with my life..

Of course he's playing this is all a game to him. He'll be happy if you pay him lots of attention by calling up and trying to talk whilst he's not responding. In fact, I'd say it's a good sign if he's not talking at the moment because when he does talk to you, you start to feel weak and inadequate as if you should go back to him. I think it would be better for you to not contact him either as he'll become surprised by the lack of attention and contact you himself again with his usual manipulative demands.

this right here shows that he hasn't changed. What sort of a man is he that he cannot bring himself to admit he is wrong and ask for forgiveness? (Or apologise to your parents?) If he had truly changed, that would be the first thing he would do.


You're absolutely right. People like that don't have a grains worth of humility and are not worth staying married to until they develop some.


i feel let down by this girl who was acting as a so-called friend to me n him but all she has infact done is weaken me and stregthen him.

I don't understand what your friend was supposed to have done? First you wanted to talk so she tried to arrange for you to talk. Then you said that talking to him made you feel even more weak and made him strong again so she's suggested that he shouldn't talk to you. Unless there's something I've missed, it sounds like she was only trying to look out for you. Btw do you REALLY want to go back to him out of love for him or do you just dislike the stigma and fear of being alone and divorced so much that you'd rather live a hellish life with someone who hates and beats you instead?

PS: I agree with Umm H on the taweez comment. Make dua to Allah (swt) including dua istikhara but avoid these thread and taweez things and they're not Islamic and don't make a jot of difference to your situation. My guess is you're starting to feel angry now in response to your duas Allah (swt) is instilling this feeling in you to direct you to react but that's just a guess Allahu Alim.

[`asiya]

Stay away from that taweez business.

You need to put your trust in Allah and remember that this guy isn't all that, he can't control your life. Nothing happens without Allah's will......read Quran, memorise duas, recite morning and evenning duas as well as others.

If you really want a divorce just get a khul'. You can contact these people if you're in the UK: http://www.islamic-sharia.org/, or if you're not in the UK you can still get advice on what to do inshAllah.

:jkk: umm hanzalah amin.

sister please contact the imams at the link given they will give u advice according to Quran and sahih sunnah alhamdulillah they helped me when i was in a very similar situation.

[Kal-El]

What is right is obvious; no wife should be in an abusive marriage. What you'll do is up to you however.