to tell or not to tell hmmm

[imported_MMS]

scenario:

A friend comes to you and tells you they are interested in marrying brotherX and they know that you known brotherX longer than they have, so they ask you if he is a good person to marry etc

and you know that brotherX has had relationships outside of marriage in the recent past, or that he freemixes or is a bit psycho or something, and you know that you would not marry a guy like that

but brotherX generally appears practicing, has a kind of beard prays his salah etc so there is not really a way of the sister finding out that brotherX is not so great

so do you say nothing because you do not want to reveal his sins or do you tell her what you know, or just say well erm i wouldn't marry him if i was you but not give her any reasons because you don't want to expose his sins

:scratch:

[Kal-El]

I understand the problem, it really depends how close you are with this friend and whether you know it would bother her to know the truth of his past. But if you two aren't that close then it's none of your business to be speaking about his past; people who want to get married should however speak to their potential spouses about their past if they've done things which the wife/husband to be may not accept

[Muhammad2]

Why are you "imported" now, sis? :confused:

[Chained_Water]

You should tell her that you would not marry him if you were her because you know things about his recent actions that clearly indicate he is of bad character. [you don't have to be overly specific.. if need be say that it is freemixing, it is relationships out of marriage, it is whatever.. but don't go too much into it I guess]

In this case it protecting your friend takes precedence

BUT you'd have to be 100% sure, it'd have to be stuff you are certain of from your own two eyes I guess.. because if it is heresay then you can't verify it and it could be wrong.. in which case you'd doing him and her an injustice.

Maybe enquire from a scholar how much you should say in this particular situation and how you should put it across.. just to make sure you don't say anything blameworthy.

Cases where ghibah is permissible:

4. Warning, such as warning a prospective buyer that the merchant is a swindler, or warning a student that his prospective teacher is an innovator or a deviant. Also, revealing the faults of weak narrators and forgers of hadith, and giving someone a candid appraisal of a person whom the former is thinking of marrying.On the authority of Fatimah bint Qays : she said, "I came to the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) and told him, "Abu Jahm and Mu`awiyah have [both] proposed to me." He said, "As for Mu`awiyah, he is a poor man with no money, and as for Abu Jahm, his stick never leaves his shoulder." [Bukhari, Muslim, Malik]http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=212&CATE=13

[xXammatullahXx]

in certain situations it is necessary to reveal a persons faults,this is one of them,you must only reveal it if they are serious and may go through with it unknowingly if u dnt tell them,and you must only stick to the important parts and make sure it doesnt turn into a enjoyable backbiting session,eg.his swimming trunks came off once during a swimming session,my husband told me!IRRELEVANT....

[bitter_sweet]

in the past u said. if u think there is a possibility he could have changed then its okay. because he may have been doing dodgyness before, but now he may be a compltli different person!..

[Jihaan]

But you aint got friends :scratch:

[angel*]

Mmmm trickey situation, how about yu be evasive and say well i dont know toooooooooo much about this person maybe u shuld ask sum1 else? and if she really presses u say - iv heard sum not so gr8 things about him but its been hear'say so it culd beall lies or it culd be the truth, u shuld def go ask sum1 closer 2 him?

[.: Anna :.]

u have to tell the truth about him. like someone said it is a situation where wat cd b seen as backbiting, its permissible when someone asked abt their character for purpose of marriage

[Umm Haya]

AssalamuAlaykum

Sis you would tell her! For sure! :eek: If you let that moment pass, the moment in which you could have told her then you might regret it if things ever go wrong :eek:

WassalamuAlaykum

[Treasured Soul]

If you know the brother, then why dont u just confront him instead ...

If its his past and will remain a past, then leave it be and if he has no intentions of changing, then just tell your friend he doesnt deserve her :up:

[Omar Mukhtar]

Hadith - Al-Muwatta 28.53

Yahya related to me from Malik from Abu'z-Zubayr al-Makki that somebody asked a man for his sister in marriage and the man mentioned that she had committed fornication.

Umar ibn al-Khattab heard about it and he beat the man or almost beat him, and said, "What did you mean by giving him such information?"

[Phoenix CG]

if you dont tell, and something goes wrong, you'll feel responsible.

[ajnabee]

btw Phoenix.. you lookin gawjus in that pic.. mashaAllah :p (you may wanna try out the ghd'z i purchased recently :p)


lower ur gaze :nono:

[neelu]

Think of it this way: what would you want to happen if the situation was reversed (ie YOU asked a friend about someone's character about whom you didn't know very much but your friend knows the person well)? I have a feeling that you'd want your friend to be open and upfront with you out of a need to look out for you as a friend- obviously not for the purpose of backbiting or putting someone down.

That's a really good quote about warning others about swindlers and deviant characters CW:up:

Lol@maulana what's his name:p

[Danniella]

Everyone deserves a second chnace.

What's not say that this Brother has changed...who are we to judge that this Brother who made a mistake will continue to make the same mistakes.

In all honesty, there are many Brothers and Sisters who do things before they get married and never do it again after marriage. It's like they want to experiment before they get married.

i am not saying that this a good thing but simply telling how it is these days.

It's a tought one. If i found out that a guy i was about to marry was a serial fornicator, then i would have doubts. But if he had done it once or twice i would be able to forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Khubaib]

u have to tell the truth about him. like someone said it is a situation where wat cd b seen as backbiting, its permissible when someone asked abt their character for purpose of marriage

I agree with this.

I have a question though. Does this have time constraints? What if you knew brother x was like that 5 years ago then he completely changed and started practicing then should you still let the sister know he was like this years ago? Or worse what if you don't know he "transformed"? :scratch:

[Raashid]

It depends, has your mate requested to know about his past life? If not, maybe she don't care but if she does, you shouldn't expose the sins, but leave it vagues and say he used to be a sinner.

[Danniella]

It depends, has your mate requested to know about his past life? If not, maybe she don't care but if she does, you shouldn't expose the sins, but leave it vagues and say he used to be a sinner.

Even when you have none someone for many years it still doesnt warrant you to speak for them on their behalf, becuase it can really take a lifetime to understand the true nature of somebody.

Does this person really know that this borther was a sinner or was it heresay? did he actually witness this sin? Or heard it through the grapevine?

Either way, his sole testimony is worthless and should be kept to himself.
If it is meant to be, then Allah will let it be. If not, then it wont happen.