View Full Version : getting cold feet
inshaAllah, i shall be getting married this august and although i am very excited i am getting cold feet about the brother whom i will marry.
i have only met him once and we spoke for approx. 5 mins (cant even remember what about now) but my family have been over alot and my brother in particular has just grilled him to the max and then relayed to me everything that he has said so i feel i know this brother quite well already, without knowing him if u know what i mean.
ok so now this is the problem, from what i have heard i get the feeling he is too quiet and reserved for me and perhaps could lack in character and personality. i am very easy going and open minded so someone like that would not bes suitable.
i am very traditional in the sense that i would prefer the husband to be the 'man of the house' and be competant in how he carrys himself. i do not want to wear the trousers in the house and overule my husband but it seems to me that this brother is the type of person who will take a step back and leave me to do whatever i want.
dont get me wrong, this brother is very sweet and has a good heart and morals, but not as wordly as i wouldve hoped for.
could it be that he is quiet and reserved because he too is getting cold feet or is he just shy? his sister did say that he keeps to himself and not so outspoken like the rest of them, perhaps this is a good thing that he is not so in your face?
am i judging this guy before even getting to know him, should i do anything about this instinct i am having?
please help.
Raashid
08-05-08, 08:49 AM
inshaAllah, i shall be getting married this august and although i am very excited i am getting cold feet about the brother whom i will marry.
i have only met him once and we spoke for approx. 5 mins (cant even remember what about now) but my family have been over alot and my brother in particular has just grilled him to the max and then relayed to me everything that he has said so i feel i know this brother quite well already, without knowing him if u know what i mean.
ok so now this is the problem, from what i have heard i get the feeling he is too quiet and reserved for me and perhaps could lack in character and personality. i am very easy going and open minded so someone like that would not bes suitable.
i am very traditional in the sense that i would prefer the husband to be the 'man of the house' and be competant in how he carrys himself. i do not want to wear the trousers in the house and overule my husband but it seems to me that this brother is the type of person who will take a step back and leave me to do whatever i want.
dont get me wrong, this brother is very sweet and has a good heart and morals, but not as wordly as i wouldve hoped for.
could it be that he is quiet and reserved because he too is getting cold feet or is he just shy? his sister did say that he keeps to himself and not so outspoken like the rest of them, perhaps this is a good thing that he is not so in your face?
am i judging this guy before even getting to know him, should i do anything about this instinct i am having?
please help.
You sound as confused as him. You say you're easy going but don't like the idea he'll let you do what you want?
Take my comments with many grains of salt...I know nothing of marriage.
But, wouldn't it be better for both of you to meet a couple of times before getting married? That way if both of you are getting cold feet, 'irreconcilably' (whatever that means, given you've only met for 5 mins) you can call it off/delay it?
Or a fresh meeting might spark something off again and allay both of your doubts.
yes in the sense that i feel there will be no enthusiasm in the relationship and because he would be so passive, that would make me feel as though he is not bothered about me.
i always thought i was easy going, perhaps this is just stressing me out couz i cant get to know him and my family just love him up so much that its already a done deal.
u think im still confused?
Sis,
do try and remmeber that you have onloy met him for a while, and no matter what your brother or family have grilled him about, he will be different with you... YOU and HIM will be Husband and Wife. Not your family nor your brother...
How he will be with you will be different!
Now, this alll depnds on what you guys make it... If he lacks a certain confidence then you will have to help him work things out.. when you want something, you have to tell hima nd help him if he requires asssictance..
It;s only natural to have the jitters, since you really don;t know what he is like, and hor him you! BUT - this is something very special you guys will have to build together.. if it helps. arrange to speak with him (obviously chaperoned), and see if you guys can just be a little more comfortable.. all your worries and concerns are your own thoughts and not based on him yet...
it won;t be perfect but you will have to work at it TOGETHER.
don;t let shaytaan give you doubts.. keep praying salah, zikr and making Duas!
Inshallah good luck! :up:
Kasim2k7
08-05-08, 09:00 AM
Well its not your brother whos gonna marry him. Its you. Maybe get to know him more better. If you will land in a strict inlaw family then...well thats another topic lol
Take my comments with many grains of salt...I know nothing of marriage.
But, wouldn't it be better for both of you to meet a couple of times before getting married? That way if both of you are getting cold feet, 'irreconcilably' (whatever that means, given you've only met for 5 mins) you can call it off/delay it?
Or a fresh meeting might spark something off again and allay both of your doubts.
I dont think it is possible to meet again but i'll run it passed my mum.
my family really like him so i would not call it off just becuase im getting paranoid.
Sis,
do try and remmeber that you have onloy met him for a while, and no matter what your brother or family have grilled him about, he will be different with you... YOU and HIM will be Husband and Wife. Not your family nor your brother...
How he will be with you will be different!
Now, this alll depnds on what you guys make it... If he lacks a certain confidence then you will have to help him work things out.. when you want something, you have to tell hima nd help him if he requires asssictance..
It;s only natural to have the jitters, since you really don;t know what he is like, and hor him you! BUT - this is something very special you guys will have to build together.. if it helps. arrange to speak with him (obviously chaperoned), and see if you guys can just be a little more comfortable.. all your worries and concerns are your own thoughts and not based on him yet...
it won;t be perfect but you will have to work at it TOGETHER.
don;t let shaytaan give you doubts.. keep praying salah, zikr and making Duas!
Inshallah good luck! :up:
thanks for the advice.
i am afraid if i instigate another meeting, it will be frowned upon by his parents, like i am too forward or something?
Kasim2k7
08-05-08, 09:09 AM
Your lucky your getting to actually meet the guy. I never even spoken to my wife on the phone even lol
thanks for the advice.
i am afraid if i instigate another meeting, it will be frowned upon by his parents, like i am too forward or something?
Sis,
that is something only you can judge... I would seek advise from people who you feel close to.. maybe your mother? or elder sis?
IF you can control yourself, maybe dropping him an email? maybe a telephone conversation for the once? or just a coffee meet-up, or a letter? There are halal ways to help yourself and the new relationship!
Inshallah it sounds like he is a nice person.. your family like him, and so that is half the battle won IA!
keep having positive thoughts IA, and also do plenty of reading about newly married couples, what it means to be married, the Do's and Don;ts... make sure you learn the key aspects of making a successfull marriage IA! there is no such thing as too much knowledge, and the reading will only help you make things better..
end of the day, it will be upto you guys!
cherish that something special and make sure you give it every bit of attention and effort it deserves. :up:
August is not far, trust me.. time flies!!! yuo'll soon be like, :rubeyes: It;s AUGUST!!!
and then you'll be like... :inlove:!!!
Your lucky your getting to actually meet the guy. I never even spoken to my wife on the phone even lol
i guess so, i should be happy that allah swt has blessed me with the possibilty of marriage, i know alot of bros and sisters out there are finding it difficult seeking a partner.
i am sucha whinger! lol.
so u met ur wife on the wedding day? that is brave! hats off to you.
Sis,
that is something only you can judge... I would seek advise from people who you feel close to.. maybe your mother? or elder sis?
IF you can control yourself, maybe dropping him an email? maybe a telephone conversation for the once? or just a coffee meet-up, or a letter? There are halal ways to help yourself and the new relationship!
Inshallah it sounds like he is a nice person.. your family like him, and so that is half the battle won IA!
keep having positive thoughts IA, and also do plenty of reading about newly married couples, what it means to be married, the Do's and Don;ts... make sure you learn the key aspects of making a successfull marriage IA! there is no such thing as too much knowledge, and the reading will only help you make things better..
end of the day, it will be upto you guys!
cherish that something special and make sure you give it every bit of attention and effort it deserves. :up:
August is not far, trust me.. time flies!!! yuo'll soon be like, :rubeyes: It;s AUGUST!!!
and then you'll be like... :inlove:!!!
lol ok.
but is meeting up/ chatting on the phone halal?
Kasim2k7
08-05-08, 09:15 AM
Yeah and she is quite out going and open minded like you and im the quiet one but we have alhamdulillah blended in with each other. All you gotta do is have faith in Allah and ask for happiness and blessing
akhinislam
08-05-08, 09:16 AM
I have been there and these toughts are natural I met my wife for only five minutes as well and felt the same, we have now been married for 6 months now and alhamdulilah I am glad I didnt succomb to meeting her a second time the best way to overcome this is dont think about it whatever your expectations are it will be nothing like this. When you meet for the first time as husband and wife that is when you journey begins not now. If you were to meet him now you will be placed with even more doubt cause shaythan will be there waiting as you are still not halal for each other. Just pray to Allah and enjoy these last couple of months with your friends and family cause it will be all change when you get married. May Allah make this time easy for you. Remeber Allah tests us in ways we do not know look at this as a test and have patience sister.
Yeah and she is quite out going and open minded like you and im the quiet one but we have alhamdulillah blended in with each other. All you gotta do is have faith in Allah and ask for happiness and blessing
ok i'll take ur word for it brother! maybe two strong perosnalities sometimes can clash so it could turn out to be a good thing in the end and i should be chillllllllllllling right now! :o
im going to do plenty of prayer and zikr and put 100% faith in Allah swt as He knows best.
please please please make dua for me everyone who reads this inshaAllah.
lol ok.
but is meeting up/ chatting on the phone halal?
I'm not an alim or anytihng to say what can or can;t happen... Chatting on the phone regularly and taling intimate things outside of a marriage im sure is not allowed! :nono:
however, if your having doubts and are unsure of your marriage, then to undertsand your potential partner a little and try alleviate your worries, possibly A phonecall with restrictions in place (in terms of WHAT you talk about), MAY be alllowed...
seek proper religious advise IA....
see where i am getting at...
P.S. NOT having a Phone/personal meeting relationship makes the final getting together even more special! :up:
Medievalist
08-05-08, 09:21 AM
Milly: You're reading too much into stuff and it's also normal to get doubts/cold feet.
mashaALLAH your rishta has been done, ignore these niggles and get married :up:
I'm not an alim or anytihng to say what can or can;t happen... Chatting on the phone regularly and taling intimate things outside of a marriage im sure is not allowed! :nono:
however, if your having doubts and are unsure of your marriage, then to undertsand your potential partner a little and try alleviate your worries, possibly A phonecall with restrictions in place (in terms of WHAT you talk about), MAY be alllowed...
seek proper religious advise IA....
see where i am getting at...
P.S. NOT having a Phone/personal meeting relationship makes the final getting together even more special! :up:
i think a phonecall with restrictions is still haram (regardless of situation) in the hanafi school of thought????
Chained_Water
08-05-08, 09:30 AM
Milly: You're reading too much into stuff and it's also normal to get doubts/cold feet.
mashaALLAH your rishta has been done, ignore these niggles and get married :up:
tbh I agree with Med.. if this was a situation where you weren't engaged yet, or there was a possibility you could break it off, then I'd say yeh meet him a few more times, see how it goes, do istikhara and if it ain't all rosy then break it off asap.
BUT, you've clearly said you would not do that and you will marry him regardless.. so then in that case, what is the point of entertaining these thoughts that will only torture you? None whatsoever. If you know you're defo marrying him no matter what, then be positive, don't set yourself up for ruin by thinking too much about things and having a negative view before you're even married.
I'm sure he'll be fab mashaAllah.. and you'll be really happy.. :up: @keeping up the dhikr and praying ..trust in Allah and you'll get through the second thoughts.
Also think of it this way.. it's honestly really really lucky for a woman if she has a husband who isn't controlling and dictatorial.. and that doesn't mean he's passive or not manly enough.. does a man have to exert his will over a woman all the time to be a good husband? no..
what it means is he's made it much easier for you to be a good wife, by not having so many demands on you. A husbands demands become something you have to obey and if he's demanding this that and the other all the time it makes it difficult for the wife.. but it looks like he will be cool and chilled out with you and not make your job hard.. that's a good thing :up:
as long as he fulfils your rights and his duties.. you have nowt to be feeling dodgy about :) ..and inshaAllah he will do that.
Basically if it's a done deal.. then be positive, don't entertain bad thoughts and let shaytaans whisperings take over your marriage before it's even begun.
Medievalist
08-05-08, 09:50 AM
tbh I agree with Med..
does a man have to exert his will over a woman all the time to be a good husband? no..
.
1. mashaALLAH. You're gaining wisdom in your dotage. :up:
2. But it hasnt penetrated deep into your brain yet it seems. The correct answer to the above question is YES
Kasim2k7
08-05-08, 10:07 AM
How is it yes? *scratches head*
1. mashaALLAH. You're gaining wisdom in your dotage. :up:
2. But it hasnt penetrated deep into your brain yet it seems. The correct answer to the above question is YES
ive always thought the same and thats why i am having cold feet.
didnt Allah swt make men the leaders and women the companions of the leaders?
i do not want to take leadership role in my marriage.
i think thats when things go wrong in a marriage.
therefore back to my original concerns, the guy should be confident and assertive and take initiative!
Kasim2k7
08-05-08, 10:26 AM
Inshallah he will be. If not then talk to him and straighten him out.
ive always thought the same and thats why i am having cold feet.
didnt Allah swt make men the leaders and women the companions of the leaders?
i do not want to take leadership role in my marriage.
i think thats when things go wrong in a marriage.
therefore back to my original concerns, the guy should be confident and assertive and take initiative!
There;s a difference in Leadership and Deminance!
A good leader takes everything into account and takes the middle ground.. is stern when the need arrises and flexible when situation permits!
A good leader is a good listener and involves things and people around him...
A dictator is "my way or the Highway!"
What a person makes their marriage... is upto themselves! :up:
Medievalist
08-05-08, 10:35 AM
ive always thought the same and thats why i am having cold feet.
didnt Allah swt make men the leaders and women the companions of the leaders?
i do not want to take leadership role in my marriage.
i think thats when things go wrong in a marriage.
therefore back to my original concerns, the guy should be confident and assertive and take initiative!
You're getting yourself into a state "Milly". The facts are that you dont know what the guy is like, you haven't spoken, or had contact or made a relationship so all thats happening if you're mind fizzling and bubbling and brewing scenarios or running wild with imagination!
Just cos a guys quite doesnt mean he isnt dominant or leaderly - sometimes the quietest people inspire the greatest devotion and obedience.
Tbh you really are tihnking too much - take a chill pill. Im sure you and the guy are good for each other - chillax and talk about jewellery and lengas or whatever normal brides twitter on about **roll eyes**
You're getting yourself into a state "Milly". The facts are that you dont know what the guy is like, you haven't spoken, or had contact or made a relationship so all thats happening if you're mind fizzling and bubbling and brewing scenarios or running wild with imagination!
Just cos a guys quite doesnt mean he isnt dominant or leaderly - sometimes the quietest people inspire the greatest devotion and obedience.
Tbh you really are tihnking too much - take a chill pill. Im sure you and the guy are good for each other - chillax and talk about jewellery and lengas or whatever normal brides twitter on about **roll eyes**
HEAR HEAR.. the med has spoken!!! :up:
PiElle2
08-05-08, 10:39 AM
if you think by speaking out more means being outspoken, it could also means woman naturally talk more than men... :o
if he doesn't mind, then you dun have any problem... ;)
Medievalist
08-05-08, 10:40 AM
oi wheres emel? he aint been banged up or owt has he?
oi wheres emel? he aint been banged up or owt has he?
i just texed him for ya.. see if he replies back! :up:
Medievalist
08-05-08, 10:48 AM
safe. this is offtopic btw.
:salams
sound like he's just shy... which is perfectly natural.
imagine if it was the other way around and you went to his house and met him for 5 mins? would you be shy? or start cracking jokes with the whole family?
only time will tell inshaAllah.
i'll try keep you guys posted.
Have you done Istikhara? :) Its natural and normal to be scared and a little nervous. I have always believed that like Guv said- there is a difference in leadership and dominance. Sometimes the guys that are shy are actually very assertive when it comes to being the "man of the house." As women, we tend to jabber on more anyway :o
My husband is very shy and quite reserved (he hardly talks to random people and often remains quite quiet in gatherings/when we are meeting new people) I am the opposite :D i talk to anyone and everyone (in his own words "youre over friendly" :rotfl: ) and dont feel shy in meeting new people etc. I actually find his shyness a very endearing quality :) mashaAllah, we strike a really good balance and trust me- he definitely doesnt let me get my way (well, not all the time) :p
Try not to worry so much. You are allowed to meet him again in the presence of your mehrams, so maybe if you think it would help or you need some kind of confirmation- ask your family to arrange a meeting inshaAllah.
Have you done Istikhara? :) Its natural and normal to be scared and a little nervous. I have always believed that like Guv said- there is a difference in leadership and dominance. Sometimes the guys that are shy are actually very assertive when it comes to being the "man of the house." As women, we tend to jabber on more anyway :o
My husband is very shy and quite reserved (he hardly talks to random people and often remains quite quiet in gatherings/when we are meeting new people) I am the opposite :D i talk to anyone and everyone (in his own words "youre over friendly" :rotfl: ) and dont feel shy in meeting new people etc. I actually find his shyness a very endearing quality :) mashaAllah, we strike a really good balance and trust me- he definitely doesnt let me get my way (well, not all the time) :p
Try not to worry so much. You are allowed to meet him again in the presence of your mehrams, so maybe if you think it would help or you need some kind of confirmation- ask your family to arrange a meeting inshaAllah.
sis,
thanks for ur kind words.
i appreciate there is a difference between leadership and dominance, lets hope he does too.
with regards to istikara, this all happened so fast that i did not have time to even think about istikara and before i knew it, i had agreed to the marriage - there was immense pressure (not force) from my family, i dont think u would understand.
can i still perform istikara when i know i prob wont call it off soley down to the istikara outcome, isnt that disrespectful to Allah swt? like i am not taking His guidance into consideration.
also, my parents will not understand if i call it off because of this and i will always kick myself with 'what if'. omg, i should have more faith in Allah swt, i am a bad person :(
Omar Mukhtar
08-05-08, 01:10 PM
you complain about your husband,think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.
stop whining and be grateful your gonna get married.
Chained_Water
08-05-08, 01:17 PM
1. mashaALLAH. You're gaining wisdom in your dotage. :up:
2. But it hasnt penetrated deep into your brain yet it seems. The correct answer to the above question is YES
Med... you are just so :rolleyes:
harsh!
he is not my husband yet and what would be more unfortunate than to have a husband and then find you dont get on with him.
i just wanted unbiased opinions of the dilema i am currently facing - this is a forum after all!
i am grateful to Allah swt everyday for what He has given me.
inshaAllah, i shall be getting married this august and although i am very excited i am getting cold feet about the brother whom i will marry.
i have only met him once and we spoke for approx. 5 mins (cant even remember what about now) but my family have been over alot and my brother in particular has just grilled him to the max and then relayed to me everything that he has said so i feel i know this brother quite well already, without knowing him if u know what i mean.
ok so now this is the problem, from what i have heard i get the feeling he is too quiet and reserved for me and perhaps could lack in character and personality. i am very easy going and open minded so someone like that would not bes suitable.
i am very traditional in the sense that i would prefer the husband to be the 'man of the house' and be competant in how he carrys himself. i do not want to wear the trousers in the house and overule my husband but it seems to me that this brother is the type of person who will take a step back and leave me to do whatever i want.
dont get me wrong, this brother is very sweet and has a good heart and morals, but not as wordly as i wouldve hoped for.
could it be that he is quiet and reserved because he too is getting cold feet or is he just shy? his sister did say that he keeps to himself and not so outspoken like the rest of them, perhaps this is a good thing that he is not so in your face?
am i judging this guy before even getting to know him, should i do anything about this instinct i am having?
please help.
Salaam Sis
I am baffled that you as the potential wife are going to marry this guy, yet its all of your family that have been to visit the guy.
The mind really does boggle here!
sis,
thanks for ur kind words.
i appreciate there is a difference between leadership and dominance, lets hope he does too.
with regards to istikara, this all happened so fast that i did not have time to even think about istikara and before i knew it, i had agreed to the marriage - there was immense pressure (not force) from my family, i dont think u would understand.
can i still perform istikara when i know i prob wont call it off soley down to the istikara outcome, isnt that disrespectful to Allah swt? like i am not taking His guidance into consideration.
also, my parents will not understand if i call it off because of this and i will always kick myself with 'what if'. omg, i should have more faith in Allah swt, i am a bad person :(
Sis i think the point of Istikhara is to ask Allah (swt) to guide you and yes, if you do happen to do it and through Allah's mercy you are given signs/feelings that this would not benefit you then you are supposed to go with that. So if you KNOW youre not going to call it off then id take the advice that Med has given you already :) Maybe it simply is a case of nerves and jitters- its normal for any bride. The fact that you have only met him for 5 minutes makes your situation even more nervewracking!
Is there no way you could suggest another meeting with your mehrams present? Do you trust your parents and feel they would only want the best for you (which any parent naturally would inshaAllah). Maybe they have checked this brother out properly and know that inshaAllah he will be good for you. I dont know, cant really say but sometimes our parents know exactly what is right for us and we should trust them inshaAllah.
I think Istikhara would still be a good idea if youre genuinely confused and dont know whether you want to go ahead with this or not. IF however youre quite sure you do want to go ahead with this then inshaAllah YES you just need to have a little more faith in Allah (swt) :) No marriage is easy and we all have to work at them. So maybe this brother is a little shy and nervous- he's probably feeling the same as you- its natural. Try not to worry so much but just make sure youre happy with this decision and want to go ahead with it. May Allah (swt) guide you to whatever is best for you and keep you away from that which is of no benefit to you. AMEEN! :)
you complain about your husband,think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.
stop whining and be grateful your gonna get married.
Do you have a problem? Ive noticed in a number of threads that your comments are simply rude and out of order. Do you not have any adhaab in the way in which you talk to people? SubhanAllah if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say it at all! There is hekmaa in the way you say things you know- you could have relayed your message in a nicer way which would have had the same effect!
Sister-Ameena*
08-05-08, 06:22 PM
:salams Sister perhaps you should have more meetings with him (of course with a mahram present) because one meeting is just not enough. The brother I am supposed to marry talked to me first, with my Uncle present, then he spoke to my father, and the last couple of times that I've spoken to him another mahram was present. I was set to marry him in August as well, but then I thought it was too soon. I mean, I feel like I know him, but not enough to marry him.
Perhaps he's really reserved because he doesn't want to scare you. I have a very big personality so people find it really easy to talk to me, and since he's really quiet maybe you should be the first to say something?
I honestly think that you should re-think about marrying him in August, or at least speak to him more and try to get an idea about what type of personality he has. I don't know, maybe our situations are really opposite because of the way you went about it. Nevertheless, speak to him more if you want to marry him so soon inshaa Allaah.
Talk to your Walli about these concerns, it's very difficult to take the impression he had on others for yourself in regards to the personality of a potential spouse. Your brother may have liked him, or in his opinion wasn't too reserved but that doesn't mean that is the impression you might get off him too.
Having cold feet before a wedding is natural, so don't take these to heart. Not many people are soft spoken or "reserved" by nature, they just get that way due to their environment and I'm sure your husband would come out and be as 'wordly' as you might have hoped. You just need a little faith in him.
take the questionaire it help you atleast know your personality and find his too.
1. Where is your energy naturally directed?
Extraverts' energy is directed primarily outward, towards people and things outside of themselves. Introverts' energy is primarily directed inward, towards their own thoughts, perceptions, and reactions. Therefore, Extraverts tend to be more naturally active, expressive, social, and interested in many things, whereas Introverts tend to be more reserved, private, cautious, and interested in fewer interactions, but with greater depth and focus.
Extraverts often:
have high energy
talk a lot
think out loud
like to be around people a lot
are easily distracted
Introverts often:
have quiet energy
talk less
think before they act
are comfortable spending time alone
have good concentration
Extravert (E) or Introvert (I)
2. What kind of information do you naturally notice and remember?
Sensors notice the facts, details, and realities of the world around them whereas Intuitives are more interested in connections and relationships between facts as well as the meaning, or possibilities of the information. Sensors tend to be practical and literal people, who trust past experience and often have good common sense. Intuitives tend to be imaginative, theoretical people who trust their hunches and pride themselves on their creativity.
Sensors often:
admire practicality
focus on the facts & specifics
have straightforward speech
are more realistic - see what is
are more present-oriented
Intuitives often:
admire creativity
focus on ideas & the big picture
have roundabout thoughts
are more imaginative - see possibilities
are more future oriented
Sensor (S) or Intuitive (N)
3. How do you decide or come to conclusions?
Thinkers make decisions based primarily on objective and impersonal criteria--what makes the most sense and what is logical. Feelers make decisions based primarily on their personal values and how they feel about the choices. So, Thinkers tend to be cool, analytical, and are convinced by logical reasoning. Feelers tend to be sensitive, empathetic, and are compelled by extenuating circumstances and a constant search for harmony.
Thinkers often:
are cool & reserved
are objective
are honest & direct
are naturally critical
are motivated by achievement
Feelers often:
are warm and friendly
get their feelings hurt easily
are sensitive & diplomatic
try hard to please others
are motivated by being appreciated
Thinker (T) or Feeler (F)
4. What kind of environment makes you the most comfortable?
Judgers prefer a structured, ordered, and fairly predictable environment, where they can make decisions and have things settled. Perceivers prefer to experience as much of the world as possible, so they like to keep their options open and are most comfortable adapting. So, Judgers tend to be organized and productive while Perceivers tend to be flexible, curious, and nonconforming.
Judgers often:
are serious & formal
are time-conscious
like to make plans
work first, play later
like to finish projects best
Perceivers often:
are playful & casual
are unaware of time or late
like to wait-and-see
play first, work later
like to start projects best
Judger (J) or Perceiver (P)
Note: If the type profile you are about to read does not accurately describe you, come back to this quiz and select the opposite characteristic in the area/areas in which you may have been unsure. Then, read the new profile and see if it describes you better. For some people, this process simply takes a little longer than it does for others.
To read the profile for a particular personality type, click on the name of the type you're interested in learning about. http://www.personalitypage.com/portraits.html
ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers
ESTJ - The Guardians
ISFJ - The Nurturers
ESFJ - The Caregivers
ISTP - The Mechanics
ESTP - The Doers
ESFP - The Performers
ISFP - The Artists
ENTJ - The Executives
INTJ - The Scientists
ENTP - The Visionaries
INTP - The Thinkers
ENFJ - The Givers
INFJ - The Protectors
ENFP - The Inspirers
INFP - The Idealists
masalama hopefully it'll help you:up:
LastFriday
08-05-08, 11:33 PM
5 Minutes....
Salaam Sis
I am baffled that you as the potential wife are going to marry this guy, yet its all of your family that have been to visit the guy.
The mind really does boggle here!
salam,
i have met him, he has been to my house on one occassion for lunch. i spoke to him for literally 5 mins and am happy with what he looks like.
i trust my familys jugdement as it was a unanimous decision and dont think so many people that know me really well could be wrong. i hold faith in Allah swt, dont matter if i spoke to him for just 5 mins.
take the questionaire it help you atleast know your personality and find his too.
1. Where is your energy naturally directed?
Extraverts' energy is directed primarily outward, towards people and things outside of themselves. Introverts' energy is primarily directed inward, towards their own thoughts, perceptions, and reactions. Therefore, Extraverts tend to be more naturally active, expressive, social, and interested in many things, whereas Introverts tend to be more reserved, private, cautious, and interested in fewer interactions, but with greater depth and focus.
Extraverts often:
have high energy
talk a lot
think out loud
like to be around people a lot
are easily distracted
Introverts often:
have quiet energy
talk less
think before they act
are comfortable spending time alone
have good concentration
Extravert (E) or Introvert (I)
2. What kind of information do you naturally notice and remember?
Sensors notice the facts, details, and realities of the world around them whereas Intuitives are more interested in connections and relationships between facts as well as the meaning, or possibilities of the information. Sensors tend to be practical and literal people, who trust past experience and often have good common sense. Intuitives tend to be imaginative, theoretical people who trust their hunches and pride themselves on their creativity.
Sensors often:
admire practicality
focus on the facts & specifics
have straightforward speech
are more realistic - see what is
are more present-oriented
Intuitives often:
admire creativity
focus on ideas & the big picture
have roundabout thoughts
are more imaginative - see possibilities
are more future oriented
Sensor (S) or Intuitive (N)
3. How do you decide or come to conclusions?
Thinkers make decisions based primarily on objective and impersonal criteria--what makes the most sense and what is logical. Feelers make decisions based primarily on their personal values and how they feel about the choices. So, Thinkers tend to be cool, analytical, and are convinced by logical reasoning. Feelers tend to be sensitive, empathetic, and are compelled by extenuating circumstances and a constant search for harmony.
Thinkers often:
are cool & reserved
are objective
are honest & direct
are naturally critical
are motivated by achievement
Feelers often:
are warm and friendly
get their feelings hurt easily
are sensitive & diplomatic
try hard to please others
are motivated by being appreciated
Thinker (T) or Feeler (F)
4. What kind of environment makes you the most comfortable?
Judgers prefer a structured, ordered, and fairly predictable environment, where they can make decisions and have things settled. Perceivers prefer to experience as much of the world as possible, so they like to keep their options open and are most comfortable adapting. So, Judgers tend to be organized and productive while Perceivers tend to be flexible, curious, and nonconforming.
Judgers often:
are serious & formal
are time-conscious
like to make plans
work first, play later
like to finish projects best
Perceivers often:
are playful & casual
are unaware of time or late
like to wait-and-see
play first, work later
like to start projects best
Judger (J) or Perceiver (P)
Note: If the type profile you are about to read does not accurately describe you, come back to this quiz and select the opposite characteristic in the area/areas in which you may have been unsure. Then, read the new profile and see if it describes you better. For some people, this process simply takes a little longer than it does for others.
To read the profile for a particular personality type, click on the name of the type you're interested in learning about. http://www.personalitypage.com/portraits.html
ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers
ESTJ - The Guardians
ISFJ - The Nurturers
ESFJ - The Caregivers
ISTP - The Mechanics
ESTP - The Doers
ESFP - The Performers
ISFP - The Artists
ENTJ - The Executives
INTJ - The Scientists
ENTP - The Visionaries
INTP - The Thinkers
ENFJ - The Givers
INFJ - The Protectors
ENFP - The Inspirers
INFP - The Idealists
masalama hopefully it'll help you:up:
salams,
this is quite confusing as u can easily fall between the two extremes as i have found.
jzk anyway.
Talk to your Walli about these concerns, it's very difficult to take the impression he had on others for yourself in regards to the personality of a potential spouse. Your brother may have liked him, or in his opinion wasn't too reserved but that doesn't mean that is the impression you might get off him too.
Having cold feet before a wedding is natural, so don't take these to heart. Not many people are soft spoken or "reserved" by nature, they just get that way due to their environment and I'm sure your husband would come out and be as 'wordly' as you might have hoped. You just need a little faith in him.
funnily enough his sister rang me last night and we had a long chat.
i opened up about my concerns and she is confident i dont have anything to worry about.
she said he aint reserved, just modest and has humility/ sencerity which is good, so im happy.
jzk for all the advice u guys! pray for me inshaAllah.
btw
sister zesty, thanks for sticking up for me earlier.
some people just dont understand!
Medievalist
09-05-08, 01:07 PM
Med... you are just so :rolleyes:
alhamdulillah I know I know. Words cant describe the miracle that is Med. alhamdulillah.
ISTIKHARAH:
No point tdoing it now, its not correct to do istikharah when your rishta is done pakkah.
Just one last bit of advice - dont expect in marriage to get along with your husband straight away and feeeel like dancing on the roof in the rain etc etc etc. It takes time to adjust to another person and to find otu what they are really like. If the guy is half decent, and the girl is half decent- marriage is all decent :up:
so point is - if you have irritation or annoyance or weird feeling at beginning of your marriage - thats entirely normal. It takes time to appreciate anyones good qualities (some people still are wondering about mine :outta: )
Chained_Water
09-05-08, 01:09 PM
It takes time to appreciate anyones good qualities (some people still are wondering about mine :outta: )
I totally rate your wife, hats off to her, seriously.. what a woman she must be mashaAllah :D
Danniella
09-05-08, 03:22 PM
inshaAllah, i shall be getting married this august and although i am very excited i am getting cold feet about the brother whom i will marry.
i have only met him once and we spoke for approx. 5 mins (cant even remember what about now) but my family have been over alot and my brother in particular has just grilled him to the max and then relayed to me everything that he has said so i feel i know this brother quite well already, without knowing him if u know what i mean.
ok so now this is the problem, from what i have heard i get the feeling he is too quiet and reserved for me and perhaps could lack in character and personality. i am very easy going and open minded so someone like that would not bes suitable.
i am very traditional in the sense that i would prefer the husband to be the 'man of the house' and be competant in how he carrys himself. i do not want to wear the trousers in the house and overule my husband but it seems to me that this brother is the type of person who will take a step back and leave me to do whatever i want.
dont get me wrong, this brother is very sweet and has a good heart and morals, but not as wordly as i wouldve hoped for.
could it be that he is quiet and reserved because he too is getting cold feet or is he just shy? his sister did say that he keeps to himself and not so outspoken like the rest of them, perhaps this is a good thing that he is not so in your face?
am i judging this guy before even getting to know him, should i do anything about this instinct i am having?
please help.
I will agree with many other the other posters who have suggested that you have more meetings with this 'potential husband'.
I think it is unwholly naive to rely on other people's interpretation/judgement of character. I am not saying that you are naive, but the situation itself.
Each person will always have a different opinion of someone than the next person, and whilst it is useful to accumulate a general consensus from family/friends our own judgement is the one we can truly rely on.
Have more meetings this man. Im sure he will turn out to be a wonderful and loving man, but no one wants to start a new life with fears and worries.
Im sure your parents will allow more meetings if you assert yourself with the right reasons.
Hope it goes well.
And, if for whatever reason, you decide not to go ahead with it then so be it.
It is your choice at the end of the day and you will not be judged or held responsible for ending it. If anything, Allah gave you a challenge to test your strength and wisdom...
Islamiyyah
09-05-08, 03:27 PM
inshaAllah, i shall be getting married this august and although i am very excited i am getting cold feet about the brother whom i will marry.
i have only met him once and we spoke for approx. 5 mins
.
What??? Are you serious? Like you should really get to know him. I didnt even know people still got married like that. Its ludacris.
Also maybe he is just shy at first, but make sure he isnt too shy, unless thats your preference. My husband is NOT shy at ALL. Faaaar from it. He is extremely outgoing, friendly, and very opinionated. People are very intimidated by him cause of the way he carries himself and how he is so upfront, but its good becasue I know if anything I have a strong husband to defend me, instead of cower behind me.
Danniella
09-05-08, 03:30 PM
What??? Are you serious? Like you should really get to know him. I didnt even know people still got married like that. Its ludacris.
Oh yes, 'fraid this custom is well and truly a live. :o
It's a strange one which im not use to and will never practise, but i guess its something that others will still wish to abide by. And those who express this choice or have no choice, then we can only guide them in helping them make the best decisions.
Medievalist
09-05-08, 05:29 PM
Islamiyyah/Daniela?
its not so uncommon. Atleast this Milly person met her proposed, I didnt :hidban:
Shes happy with it, she has faith in Allah (swt), she trusts her famillies decision- whats the big deal? InshaAllah all will go well for her! :up:
Islamiyyah
09-05-08, 06:47 PM
Islamiyyah/Daniela?
its not so uncommon. Atleast this Milly person met her proposed, I didnt :hidban:
No offense, but not meeting your future spouse until the day of the nikkah seems very very very backwards to me. Did you get married in a western country?
Medievalist
09-05-08, 06:49 PM
I got married back yard. And its your own self of superiority that deems it backward. We're not all into meeting and that.
Islamiyyah
09-05-08, 06:54 PM
I got married back yard. And its your own self of superiority that deems it backward. We're not all into meeting and that.
But someone you are going to spend your entire life with, you dont meet until the day you're married? I guess in like third world countries its normal. But I was born and raised in the US and thats just not normal and nearly unrealistic. What if your uncompatiable and then have to divorce becasue yall didnt meet before. Marrying cousins is another thing I dont understand why people do today either. The world is huge and this inbreeding is like weird. I can go into a whole talk but I'll stop here casue I dont want to offend anyone.
Medievalist
09-05-08, 08:25 PM
But someone you are going to spend your entire life with, you dont meet until the day you're married? I guess in like third world countries its normal. But I was born and raised in the US and thats just not normal and nearly unrealistic. What if your uncompatiable and then have to divorce becasue yall didnt meet before. Marrying cousins is another thing I dont understand why people do today either. The world is huge and this inbreeding is like weird. I can go into a whole talk but I'll stop here casue I dont want to offend anyone.
lol. Theres a WHOLE lot of issues in that that Id tear to pieces but Im a nice guy **for now**
1. I also grew up in the west (UK) and was born here. As a matter of choice I didnt see or speak to my wife until my nikah was done. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah I relied on ALLAH and He Ta'ala has honoured me, may ALLAH Ta'ala grant mercy, compassion and mutual affection in all muslim marriages - ameen
2. She's my cousin - in our culture most marriages are cousin marriages. If ALLAH has made a thing halal and pure the mere ideas of a mere human bean aint gonna mean sqautdidly to me.
3. Contrary to what our lustful unmarried selves think - a man and woman aren't meant to keep meeting and discussing things, even if they engaged. You decide to marry, then you marry and dont have this odd courtship period and try and paint it as sometihng sweet and innocent **roll eyes**
~Warda~
09-05-08, 10:55 PM
lol. Theres a WHOLE lot of issues in that that Id tear to pieces but Im a nice guy **for now**
1. I also grew up in the west (UK) and was born here. As a matter of choice I didnt see or speak to my wife until my nikah was done. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah I relied on ALLAH and He Ta'ala has honoured me, may ALLAH Ta'ala grant mercy, compassion and mutual affection in all muslim marriages - ameen
2. She's my cousin - in our culture most marriages are cousin marriages. If ALLAH has made a thing halal and pure the mere ideas of a mere human bean aint gonna mean sqautdidly to me.
3. Contrary to what our lustful unmarried selves think - a man and woman aren't meant to keep meeting and discussing things, even if they engaged. You decide to marry, then you marry and dont have this odd courtship period and try and paint it as sometihng sweet and innocent **roll eyes**
I think for once, i agree with u...:eek:
What??? Are you serious? Like you should really get to know him. I didnt even know people still got married like that. Its ludacris.
Also maybe he is just shy at first, but make sure he isnt too shy, unless thats your preference. My husband is NOT shy at ALL. Faaaar from it. He is extremely outgoing, friendly, and very opinionated. People are very intimidated by him cause of the way he carries himself and how he is so upfront, but its good becasue I know if anything I have a strong husband to defend me, instead of cower behind me.
Firstly as bro med was saying I do have faith in Allah swt as He has already destined major events that will take place in ur lifetime, namely birth, death and MARRIAGE so you can get to know someone as much as you want but if Allah swt has not destined that person for you, its not going to happen no matter how much u want it to.
also very importantly, i feel that continual meetings create a whole host of other problems, mainly fitna - what if you then realise, this person is not for you? you wouldve already exposed urself to this strange man in these abundant 'meetings', how will u feel about this then? you will not be able to reverse the fact that someone who u deemed unfit for marriage has been able to view you in this light and was able to chat to you so openly.
and just for your information, i have been born and bred in the uk and and donot think it is backward system, rather one that works very well BUT requires alot of maturity and patience from both parties (something people nowadays lack indeed).
also im sure the Prophet pbuh did not have several meetings with his wives before he decided upon marriage, he trusted Allah swt and trusted people who vouched on behalf of his wives (remember Abu Bakr's RA daughter was Aisha RA who was most beloved to the Prophet pbuh) and because the Prophet pbuh respected Abu Bakr RA so much it was only natural he would love Aisha RA. so why then you are reluctant to trust ur parents, those who know you and love you the most when they are protecting you and have ur best interest at heart is beyond me?? bizzare.
therefore you see, it isnt all about knowing everything you need to know about that person, you can learn about each other afterwards - and now this will be halal, meaning u can earn blessings from Allah swt just for being patient and waiting!
one last point to mention, if this is so 'ludacris' and 'backwards' then tell me, why do kufr who spend months and years in courtship experience failed marriages - obviously these 'meetings' achieve nothing whatsoever when these deluded people eventually wake up to realise that they in actual fact know nothing about this person (whom they thought they knew) after all! very sad!
u can 'get to know' someone as much as u like but u will never really know if it will work out. therefore so as long as there is mutual physical attraction between the couple, the rest should be left to ur parents and Allah swt as He knws best.
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