need some advice urgently

[shaz_123]

i need sum advice well basically ive told my family about a brother who ive known about 3years and we both feel we want 2 get married after my degree. his parents agreed bt my family is not agreeing due to the fact he's "out of family" "out of caste". ive explained 2 my family that the brother comes from mahshallah a gud family background and he is a gud person bt they are not listening. they do not want 2 meet them. my mum and my elder brother is not agreeing and my father is sayin to wait bt the bro's family need an answer. my elder brother has been violent and my family have started 2 threaten me and blackmail me and i need some advice for them 2 see some sense
please help
thanx

[Omar Mukhtar]

you can't always get what you want in life, if your parents say no, then it's a no. stop moaning about it and get over it.

you obviously had relationship with this brother for 3 yrs, instead of saying it may be cuz of his background or caste have you stopped to think it may beause your haram involvement with him.

[Tahiyah]

the daughter has last say in who she marries, so remind your family of this

Islam comes before culture

However, are you following Islam? you say you have known this brother for 3 years, that kinda sounds like you and him have had some kind of a relationship and this may be embarassing to your parents.

your parents only want what is best for you. maybe you could involve your Imaam and have a family sit down with him and explain everything to him and get his advice

this reminds me a hadith i read, i believe it was Abu Bakrs son...his father told him to divorce his wife, as he believed his wife had to much of a hold over his son. his son loved his wife so much, but he obeyed his father, because obedience to parents is soooooooo important in Islam. what muslim today would divorce their spouse because the parent asked them to? the lives of the early muslims were examples for us to follow.

the ending of that hadith is most beautiful, as when his father saw his son was sad and missed his wife, his father felt bad and told him to go again and remarry her.

this is beautiful because it shows obedience to parents and compassion towards children

[neelu]

Sister, is what you're telling us the WHOLE picture? Are you absolutely sure that his being "outside caste" and "outside family" the ONLY reason that they disapprove of him? If it is not, then please be as open as possible as to what their other reasons are because it may be that they have some concerns which are worth taking on board. How does your father feel about the situation? Islamically he has the authority in the home- is he more open minded about these things?

Is there anyone Islamically inclined who is trusted by the family and can speak to them about this (preferably someone older)? Don't allow anyone to provoke arguments over this and don't lose your temper with them. Make lots of dua for Allah (swt) to guide your family as it may be possible for them to open up with a little gentle persuasion inshallah.

Unfortunately if things are exactly as you describe and this situation continues to deteriorate, then you'd be placed in a position where you're forced to choose between the brother you like and your family. I'm not going to tell you which way to decide as I neither know your family nor the brother. What I will say though is that if you are placed in such a situation, then there would be good reasons behind either decision (ie good reasons for choosing the brother to break a jahil family tradition but there's also good reasons for letting him go for the happiness of your family) and dua istikhara should help with that inshallah.

Note to Tahiyah; I thought (correct me if I'm wrong) that Umar bin al Khattab was also unhappy with his son's choice of wife and said he wanted his son to divorce but his son refused. Also, isn't it haraam to remarry the wife after divorcing her or do you mean that he took his wife back during the iddah period?

[Mace]

Also, isn't it haraam to remarry the wife after divorcing her or do you mean that he took his wife back during the iddah period?

Yes, I was just wondering the same thing.

[shaz_123]

my mum is always sayin u have to get married in the family and same caste, getting married out of the family and caste its a shame on the family, people will talk about us. my older sister was blackmailed and threatened by my mum to get married to my mums nephew from pakistan and the marriage failed as soon as he came to england but my mum blamed my sister for the failure. my father does not say nething as my mum and older brother make the decision in the family. ive tried to talk to my father alone to get him to understand but my mum and brother heard me talking and started arguing, my mum is always wanting her daughters to get married in her side of family. my other sister whos mahshallah successful, my mum isnt happy because the my brother in law is from my father side of family. i no i should listen to my parents but they are not compromising all my mum and brother is doing is blackmailing and threatening me

[the_middle_road]

Also, isn't it haraam to remarry the wife after divorcing her or do you mean that he took his wife back during the iddah period?

Yes, I was just wondering the same thing.

No, it's only haram for him to remarry her if he gives her three talaqs. If he only gave her one, then he can remarry her. And if she is still in 'iddah then he can take her back without having to remarry her.

[neelu]

There's no shame in marrying someone outside the family- only backward people think there is (I know that's not a nice thing to say but it's true). I get the impression that part of the problem is that your Dad is quite powerless in the family and lets your Mum and brother control everything. Why is that? Have they made some kind of threats against him as well? How did your other sister manage to marry someone your mother didn't approve of? Ask her what she did and how she got away with it? Would she be able to help you?

[shaz_123]

i dnt no y my dad is powerless, he jus tries to keep quiet bt they listen 2 my elder brother coz ive only got one elder brother n they give him too much reponsibility. my mum fills my brothers head up with makes him angry n den he argues with the family. my other sister's rishta was done wen she was young and at the point my mum didnt have a say. no one in my family are tryin to understand or give the other family a chance

[afsalim]

i need sum advice well basically ive told my family about a brother who ive known about 3years and we both feel we want 2 get married after my degree. his parents agreed bt my family is not agreeing due to the fact he's "out of family" "out of caste". ive explained 2 my family that the brother comes from mahshallah a gud family background and he is a gud person bt they are not listening. they do not want 2 meet them. my mum and my elder brother is not agreeing and my father is sayin to wait bt the bro's family need an answer. my elder brother has been violent and my family have started 2 threaten me and blackmail me and i need some advice for them 2 see some sense
please help
thanx

Tell your family that 'Caste System' has no place in Islam. Believing in such absurdities is a grave sin. If they're still not convinced, tell them to read our beloved Prophet Muhammad :saw: 's last sermon. Blackmailing is another grave sin.

[Medievalist]

i need sum advice well basically ive told my family about a brother who ive known about 3years and we both feel we want 2 get married after my degree. his parents agreed bt my family is not agreeing due to the fact he's "out of family" "out of caste". ive explained 2 my family that the brother comes from mahshallah a gud family background and he is a gud person bt they are not listening. they do not want 2 meet them. my mum and my elder brother is not agreeing and my father is sayin to wait bt the bro's family need an answer. my elder brother has been violent and my family have started 2 threaten me and blackmail me and i need some advice for them 2 see some sense
please help
thanx

No man is so wonderful that he is worth losing your blood relatives over. If your relatives are not happy for this to happen then you should control yourself and break off contact with the man and ask your family to find a suitable match for you.

If you are gonna have problems saying this, then you need to ask yourself that is your relationship with this dude completely legit? If you have difficulty breaking it off, that would suggest you've let emotion/lust/relationship develop and hence you are rebelling against the family.

In short - if your father/brother/mother are against it, then trust them over yourself :)

[afsalim]

In short - if your father/brother/mother are against it, then trust them over yourself :)

Is that an Islamic practice or a cultural practice of letting other people making decisions for you?

[Joha]

Nothing wrong with rebelling against family if they're acting ignorantly. They're human beings too, not angels.

From what we've heard, and only from what we've heard, it seems this is an advanced case of ignorant culture over Islam.

If your parents blackmailed your sister into marrying from 'back home', and are now objecting to your choice purely because of his background then explain unequivocally to them that you will not marry anyone from abroad - just to put the thought out of their minds.

Then ask them to give you the exact reasons why they dislike this brother. Be firm in what you say, if you give them mixed answers and reactions they'll do whatever they like.

Obviously this is only true if their reason for objecting is racial...if it isn't you should seriously consider any faults they see in him.

[PK Aali]

you can't always get what you want in life, if your parents say no, then it's a no. stop moaning about it and get over it.

you obviously had relationship with this brother for 3 yrs, instead of saying it may be cuz of his background or caste have you stopped to think it may beause your haram involvement with him.

Nice one.

[Danniella]

you can't always get what you want in life, if your parents say no, then it's a no. stop moaning about it and get over it.

you obviously had relationship with this brother for 3 yrs, instead of saying it may be cuz of his background or caste have you stopped to think it may beause your haram involvement with him.

That is a big assumption!
Just because she has known this brother for 3yrs doesnt necessarily mean she was having a haraam relationship with him.

I think what you said was way too accusingly judgemental!