View Full Version : How to cope with all these emotions and feelings?
invincible
10-02-08, 09:20 PM
:salams
I just returned today to the UK from Jordan where my cousin married a Palestinian sister who he met during his travels. I also went with the intention of looking for a wife for myself too.
Unfortunately, I think the trip had a seriously negative impact on my nafs and I don't know what to do! :(
It all started after the nikah which was done in the bride's house. There was one sister who was also there who I was immediately attracted to. She wore hijab and seemed like a decent sister from what I could see.
But after the Imam left the house they played some Arab music to celebrate and she and another sister started dancing. This was in front of my family which included several non-mahram men including myself.
To be honest, my own family isn't very strict about music and even dancing during wedding celebrations, as long as it's just with the family present, so this wasn't a great shock.
However, the next evening was the engagement "party" which was the biggest shock to me. Several of the hijab-wearing sisters, including the one who I was interested in, wore dressed in low cut dresses and dancing as if they were in a nightclub for hours on end. Gone was the hijabs and any sign of being practing sisters!
Unfortunately, I didn't have good company and my nafs got the better of me and I started developing feelings for this one particular sister, despite the fact that she was no longer covered and dressed modestly.
After discussing this with others I've come to realise that it's not uncommon for young Arab women to cover and dress modestly in public but remove the hijabs and completely transform themselves for special occasions.
Now I'm not sure how to move forward. I was seriously contemplating getting to know more about this sister and possibly even approaching her for marriage, and I can't stop thinking about her even though I'm back in the UK. I plan to return with my family in 6 months or so and will probably see her again then.
I guess what I want to know is whether these feelings I have are innocent or am I just falling for the trap of the shaytaan and my nafs? Like I said, I did have a good intention of looking for an Arab wife when I went.
If I have fallen for shaytaan's trap, how can I get out of it? She's on my mind now and I can't help myself from thinking about her, and I'm going to see her when I return too! But if I'm making a mistake I need to let go of these emotions somehow, I just don't know how! I guess time is the cure?
Look forward to hearing your comments!
Riceball
10-02-08, 11:13 PM
She's on my mind now and I can't help myself from thinking about her, and I'm going to see her when I return too!
This is a typical symptom of the disease caused by the shaytaan called 'infatuation'. But don't worry I have the medicine! :)
* You will need to talk about this to someone you trust. Surprisingly talking about problems make them feel lighter.
* You REALLY need to get busy, you absolutely must NOT have free time (to waste on nothing) because thats when the shaytaan will remind you of her. So I recommend social gatherings with friends or family.
* If possible, talk about this to a female... Like a sister or a mum, or even a friend!
* Set a goal in your life, that absolutely NOTHING can stop you from achieving it.
* Remember ALLAH.. Listen to quran and THINK about what the recitor says :).
I promise you that you will forget about her, the question is when, and thats up to you. :up:
After discussing this with others I've come to realise that it's not uncommon for young Arab women to cover and dress modestly in public but remove the hijabs and completely transform themselves for special occasions.
:( I guess they dont properly understand the reason why they're wearing it.
perfect advice riceball.:up: Salah will bring you back to life. And if you think that marrying this girl, you will bring her onto deen then perform istikhara and see what answer you get..what some people forget is that by marrying a girl that is not completely on deen is good..and then to marry her and bring her on to siratal mustaqeem is much more rewarding.
PiElle2
11-02-08, 06:01 AM
why do guys always get affected by what the gals wear....? :smack:
Tranquillity
11-02-08, 10:24 AM
why do guys always get affected by what the gals wear....? :smack:
well, can't blame them really- in their nature..
But since the bro in question was first attracted to this sister when she was properly covered, he needs to ask himself if he wants to marry her now that he knows she isn't modest in reality. It would seem to me that he is practising enough to want a wife who is truly modest, not just for show in which case he needs to accept that this girl is just one of those flashy types and this is likely to create problems later.
But he may want to marry her anyway. Bro, only you can make this decision.
:confused:
:salams
To be honest, my own family isn't very strict about music and even dancing during wedding celebrations, as long as it's just with the family present, so this wasn't a great shock.
wa alaikum aslaam
on special occasions, if i took my hijab off and started dancing in front of "family" (which includes cousins who are not mehrams) and my bros and dad were there?..... my mum would come and beat me till there is no tomorrow, u got one laid back family!:rubeyes:
Arrakis
11-02-08, 07:36 PM
If you really like her, what is the problem in disussing these issues with her and seeing how she feels about it all?
Why forget her? people change don't they?
I mean were not all the pre Islamic women prone to dressing immodestly and dancing? they changed did they not?
I don't want to judge her but if she was old enough to know shame, in the context of what she was doing, best to move on as in most cases individuals like that have baggage with them. There are other sisters there who'd look just as good if not better, and are practising or atleast would not dress like that in public.
Having said that, alot of girls do that during wedding celebrations e.g. dance. So you shouldn't be too disheartened or stressed by that. If she was dancing in a mixed environment then well..next
imported_MMS
11-02-08, 07:54 PM
why would you want a wife who dances infront of next mans in skimpy clothes :o
why would you want a wife who dances infront of next mans in skimpy clothes :o
he was one of the "next mans" and look what its done to him:confused:
imported_MMS
11-02-08, 08:01 PM
he was one of the "next mans" and look what its done to him:confused:
maybe all the other mans are thinking of her right now too :vomit:
Arrakis
11-02-08, 08:16 PM
maybe all the other mans are thinking of her right now too :vomit:
Imagine all the female reverts that danced and went around infront of men, imagine all the men who could be thinking of her having seen her, and then imagine your attitude prevailing amongst all men, and then imagine that revert never finding a good husband because of all that judgement,
Good stuff guys, keep up the good work. :rolleyes:
maybe all the other mans are thinking of her right now too
:vomit:
Imagine all the female reverts that danced and went around infront of men, imagine all the men who could be thinking of her having seen her, and then imagine your attitude prevailing amongst all men, and then imagine that revert never finding a good husband because of all that judgement,
Good stuff guys, keep up the good work. :rolleyes:
what are u on about?
if she is a female revert as u put it then all her sins are forgiven when she came to islam, if she comes to islam and stil continues to dance in front of non-mehrams then she needs to be TOLD why it shouldnt be done and one of the reasons is in the initial post of the starter of the thread.
Cut the melodrama luv.
muhammed_1428
11-02-08, 08:49 PM
Salaamu Alaykum
Well, Shaytaan has done this to both hasn't he? Making her forget about her Islamic duties and compromise them for some party, and you for feeling attracted to her. There's a saying (or hadeeth, no source sorry) that the 'last card' shaytaan likes to play is women - so maybe shaytaan has being trying so many things to get you to forget about your Islamic duties - and all have failed Alhamdulilah - but subhanullah the last thing that may pull you away from Allah SWt is your nafs for these women.
I suggest you talk to your mother about her - asking stuff like "is this a normal thing? Shoudl it be?" Personally, I think you should pursue her if she is always on your mind - not to just marry her for the sake of getting it ouf of your system - but also to be a guide to her insha'allah, to make her realise what she is doing is wrong and to try change her Insh'allah (although you should be suire of whether she is 'changeable' before any further steps are taken insha'allah)
Its a shame, I used to know many arab girls who were exactly the same (but they would never take off their hijaab - ever, maybe wear one which is like lace or something (literally see-through)... It is a shame, and Alhamdulilah I'm no longer in these environments...
Make du'a, keep yourself occupied with dhikr of Allah SWT Insha'allah, and soon you should either forget about her, or pursue her by halal means and for the reasons mentioned above
All the best with it akhi
Masaa'al Khair
Feemanullah
Salaam
imported_MMS
11-02-08, 08:51 PM
Imagine all the female reverts that danced and went around infront of men, imagine all the men who could be thinking of her having seen her, and then imagine your attitude prevailing amongst all men, and then imagine that revert never finding a good husband because of all that judgement,
Good stuff guys, keep up the good work. :rolleyes:
this is a completely different situation
you are talking of a revert who has changed, brothers should marry them if they are pious because their past sins are forgiven and because her past is her past
the brother wants to marry a girl who is probably aware of her sins since she is living in a country whose population is mainly muslim and is also a muslim herself, but he wants to marry her whilst her character does not seem so pious :rolleyes::rolleyes:
Arrakis
11-02-08, 09:28 PM
what are u on about?
if she is a female revert as u put it then all her sins are forgiven when she came to islam, if she comes to islam and stil continues to dance in front of non-mehrams then she needs to be TOLD why it shouldnt be done and one of the reasons is in the initial post of the starter of the thread.
Cut the melodrama luv.
Oh and of course muslims when they make mistakes young and dumb shouldn't be forgiven. :rolleyes:
Cut the judgemental attitude luv.
Arrakis
11-02-08, 09:32 PM
this is a completely different situation
you are talking of a revert who has changed, brothers should marry them if they are pious because their past sins are forgiven and because her past is her past
the brother wants to marry a girl who is probably aware of her sins since she is living in a country whose population is mainly muslim and is also a muslim herself, but he wants to marry her whilst her character does not seem so pious :rolleyes::rolleyes:
In which way?
I mean in different muslim countries, culture is mixed in at some stage, and in some muslim countries music, dancing and free mixing isn't seen as badly as it is by the stricter muslims.
Anyway, what am I saying? I should be saying "Burn the harlot, burn her I say, I want to see her burn" :rolleyes: (that better?)
Oh and of course muslims when they make mistakes young and dumb shouldn't be forgiven. :rolleyes:
Cut the judgemental attitude luv.
who is talking about forgiving and not forgiving, no one said anything :smack:
the woman done wrong, some poeple who are reading it might think its ok to do that in islam, i.e. take your hijab off and dance like nobody's business in front of non-mehram men, so your to right im gonna speak about it...as Allah swt says, forbid the wrong and encourage the good - she was wrong.
Go breath in to a paper bag.
You guys don't give a jahil girl a chance. Don't marry Jahil girls..just marry modest and deeni girls. That way no one will marry the jahil girls. If the Jahil girls possesses a good top notch character and is willing to change for the betterment of her deen and her marriage..then why insult her? :S
I really do not understand. What she did was wrong, but don't make mockery out of her, that's hardly islamic.
Arrakis
11-02-08, 09:37 PM
who is talking about forgiving and not forgiving, no one said anything :smack:
the woman done wrong, some poeple who are reading it might think its ok to do that in islam, i.e. take your hijab off and dance like nobody's business in front of non-mehram men, so your to right im gonna speak about it...as Allah swt says, forbid the wrong and encourage the good - she was wrong.
Weird, I could have sworn you were all advising him to forget about her, when infact marriage could be just what she needs.
Go breath in to a paper bag.
I need to take it off your head first. :rolleyes:
Arrakis
11-02-08, 09:38 PM
You guys don't give a jahil girl a chance. Don't marry Jahil girls..just marry modest and deeni girls. That way no one will marry the jahil girls. If the Jahil girls possesses a good top notch character and is willing to change for the betterment of her deen and her marriage..then why insult her? :S
I really do not understand. What she did was wrong, but don't make mockery out of her, that's hardly islamic.
:up: I am glad someone else can see it.
Weird, I could have sworn you were all advising him to forget about her, when infact marriage could be just what she needs.
I need to take it off your head first. :rolleyes:
this is what i said luvie:
on special occasions, if i took my hijab off and started dancing in front of "family" (which includes cousins who are not mehrams) and my bros and dad were there?..... my mum would come and beat me till there is no tomorrow, u got one laid back family!
so can u tell me where in the above, i advised him to forget about her? and where i judged her? becos i was talking about HIS family when he said his family doesnt mind gals dancing....i havent advised him anything yet.
If she is willing to change her ways the good for her and she should consider it, if she doesnt then bye bye - simple.
keep taking the medication.
Arrakis
11-02-08, 09:40 PM
this is what i said luvie:
on special occasions, if i took my hijab off and started dancing in front of "family" (which includes cousins who are not mehrams) and my bros and dad were there?..... my mum would come and beat me till there is no tomorrow, u got one laid back family!
so can u tell me where in the above, i advised him to forget about her?....i havent advised him anything yet.
If she is willing to change her ways the good for her and she should consider it, if she doesnt then bye bye - simple
The thing is I didn't pull you out of crowd and say MG stop this did I? you took it upon yourself to descend upon this thread in righteous idignation about me saying that people should be more forgiving.
How weird is that? why jump to defend a position you now say you were not taking?
Arrakis
11-02-08, 09:41 PM
keep taking the medication.
Advice you seem to have ignored yourself.
The thing is I didn't pull you out of crowd and say MG stop this did I? you took it upon yourself to descend upon this thread in righteous idignation about me saying that people should be more forgiving.
How weird is that? why jump to defend a position you now say you were not taking?
errrm. you quoted MMS's post - fine.
Then in your reply went onto refer to "me" by sarcastically saying "great going guys..." u could only be talking about me, cos i was the only other person talking to MMS.
Judging by your high BP, i suggest u lie down :D
Advice you seem to have ignored yourself.
chup bhi kar, totay ki tarha bolthi ja rahi hain.
yes i love you to. :)
MG what does BP mean?(just out of curiosity)
MG what does BP mean?(just out of curiosity)
Blood Pressure
Blood Pressure
ohh..reminded me of someone thats all.:up:
imported_MMS
11-02-08, 09:51 PM
We are told to marry women for their piety and those who dont are amongst the losers :hidban:
it obviously wasnt her piety that attracted the thread starter :o
Stylish-Girly
11-02-08, 09:52 PM
Akh you're lovestruck, you've got 6 months to make a decision.. At the moment all you got is physical attraction, find out about her character insha'Allah then you can decide, if shes a good girl then she may give up the wrong but if shes got attitude, like the fiesty type then it might come back in your face and you'll regret
it must be somethin they've grown up to do hence they see no bad in it, well i guess the short dress club dancin style sounded a lil too much nehow people change, see how she feels about you too eh.. Apologies for my incoherent style of writin, it must be the Bourbons blah
MMS they are not losers. But then again that is you're opinion.
imported_MMS
11-02-08, 10:00 PM
MMS they are not losers. But then again that is you're opinion.
its not my opinion sis
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.
(sahih Bukhari)
its not my opinion sis
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.
(sahih Bukhari)
loser huh. It depends in what context as well. loser as in the slang way or the hadith meanin..u get me? so i suppose ure way of loser was the latter.
loser huh. It depends in what context as well. loser as in the slang way or the hadith meanin..u get me? so i suppose ure way of loser was the latter.
whats the hadith meaning of "loser" sis becos i would have thought it means along the lines of,that you will lose everything,you will gain no good?
whats the hadith meaning of "loser" sis becos i would have thought it means along the lines of,that you will lose everything,you will gain no good?
C'mon MG you know what I mean when I say the slang way of loser. When in high school I used to call guys losers. two different contexts. One the 'slang' and the other what you just said. The reason why I said Hadith meaning..cos its more appropriate. The school slang term isnt exactly appropriate for the hadith. :up:
C'mon MG you know what I mean when I say the slang way of loser. When in high school I used to call guys losers. two different contexts. One the 'slang' and the other what you just said. The reason why I said Hadith meaning..cos its more appropriate. The school slang term isnt exactly appropriate for the hadith. :up:
lol, u nutcase, i know the school "loser" term , i was asking about the hadith one cos your saying its different to that, so thats why i asked.
OK dont worry!
So... whose the loser?
Guess.
Stylish-Girly
11-02-08, 10:24 PM
Guess.
its just a crush innit Bint, wa you tink
its just a crush innit Bint, wa you tink
What?
Guess.
Well it aint me..pffft. Oh, oh. I know. The loser is..[CENSORED]
Well it aint me..pffft. Oh, oh. I know. The loser is..[CENSORED]
Who cares? I ain't. :D Even if I am the loser. Aint assed.
ahh u guys killed the thread - someone was asking for advice!
to the threadstarter:
u liked her cuz u thought she was practising because she was dressed modestly.
then found out differently because she danced.
now u cant forget about her.
yes u r infatuated.
no need to completely forget about her. wen u go back and if u still feel the same way, make a proposal if shes WILLING to change... ppl dont stay "jahil" forever.
if she wants to marry u she has to be this type of person. that has to be made clear. changes need to take place before marriage, so no risk.
if she doesnt want that then well thats not why u liked her in the first place. u liked her cuz u thought she was practising. so u move on and it'll make it easier for u to move on because u know shes not intersted in improving her faith :up:
PiElle2
12-02-08, 01:21 AM
as all as we are breathing, we deal with emotions and feelings everyday... funny how guys get all flustered when they can feel they actually have emotions... so either they deal with it but sadly most time, they run away from it... it's also time to realise that nobody in this world is perfect.... :)
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