View Full Version : without any support....
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:00 PM
:salams
has anyone been in a position where you dont have any family support when it comes to choosing a potential spouse? all the reasons for not getting married to that person because your family wont support you in your decision even if that brother is suitable for you deen, duniya. akhirah?
is there anything wrong with the way the younger generation think? i mean that they want a potential spouse who is good in deen and islam? and the parents dont seem to understand that is what their children want.
nowadays parents dont even ask or never have (in asian communities) asked their son/daughter what sort of spouse would be preferable to them? what you are looking for in them?
i am in this position. but without any family support i cnt do anything about it or can i?
:wswrwb:
Yes you can. If they do not support you. Then do you're own thing. As in to say that if they don't want you to get married to a person that is on the deen. And wants you to marry a person that is Jahil. Then IMO you would get married to the former and not listen to you're parents. At the end of the day, you will be spending you're life with him, not them. Don't worry about support, you have Allah, and when you marry you also have you're husband. And then you can also make du'a that Allah shows youre family the 'light'. Ameen thumma Ameen. :love:
Honey87
06-02-08, 10:07 PM
How do you know you have no family support. I must say, that i've noticed that within many 'asian' communities, parents have tended to give in to whoever the son/daughter wants to marry in the end. Perhaps its just my community.
It may be good to speak to someone in your family, say a sibling, or an aunt/uncle who you can trust to talk on your behalf if you are shy. Sometimes, parents do not give support, because they feel that they are being left out with one making decisions on their own. However, if its a my way or the highway, perhaps support from elsewhere. brothers? uncles? tis a hard situation.
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:10 PM
Yes you can. If they do not support you. Then do you're own thing. As in to say that if they don't want you to get married to a person that is on the deen. And wants you to marry a person that is Jahil. Then IMO you would get married to the former and not listen to you're parents. At the end of the day, you will be spending you're life with him, not them. Don't worry about support, you have Allah, and when you marry you also have you're husband. And then you can also make du'a that Allah shows youre family the 'light'. Ameen thumma Ameen. :love:
thank you for you advise ukthi. but the thing is my parents are very backward and far as i no no1 in my family have ever asked their parents what they want in a potential spouse or they were just to scared to speak up o afraid of :torture: LOL
with me since i have started studyin islam more in depth and increasing my deen and imaan i have realised that marriage is no game. in fact 50% of your islam gets completed. why ruin it getting married to someone you dont want to be with? afterall divorce is disliked by Allah Taa'ala. my parents are saying to me that the person who they have chosen is good in deen but this is not so. they only say this to blackmail me into getting married to him. to strengthen family ties and bring him to the UK.
thats tru that we are to live with that person for the rest of our life but my parents do not understand that. they look at their own marriage and thinks "ours has worked out well, after 30years we are still together" but that proves nothing to me because we are all different.
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:13 PM
How do you know you have no family support. I must say, that i've noticed that within many 'asian' communities, parents have tended to give in to whoever the son/daughter wants to marry in the end. Perhaps its just my community.
It may be good to speak to someone in your family, say a sibling, or an aunt/uncle who you can trust to talk on your behalf if you are shy. Sometimes, parents do not give support, because they feel that they are being left out with one making decisions on their own. However, if its a my way or the highway, perhaps support from elsewhere. brothers? uncles? tis a hard situation.
i know very well that i have no support at the moment. eveyone are against me just because i dont wanna marry the person my parents i have chosen for me. well isnt it better that the parents dont give up in the end and let us marry who we want instead.
sadly all my aunties and uncle are not the sort to talk about this matter. we are not even close and they live so far away.and they themselves are backwards as well. sadly i have no grandparents either.
i dont think a good brother would marry somebody's daughter without her wali's consent, dispite the reasons the wali may have rejected him
its moi personal opinion dont start spiiting yer venom at me please :fairy:
thank you for you advise ukthi. but the thing is my parents are very backward and far as i no no1 in my family have ever asked their parents what they want in a potential spouse or they were just to scared to speak up o afraid of :torture: LOL
with me since i have started studyin islam more in depth and increasing my deen and imaan i have realised that marriage is no game. in fact 50% of your islam gets completed. why ruin it getting married to someone you dont want to be with? afterall marriage is disliked by Allah Taa'ala. my parents are saying to me that the person who they have chosen is good in deen but this is not so. they only say this to blackmail me into getting married to him. to strengthen family ties and bring him to the UK.
thats tru that we are to live with that person for the rest of our life but my parents do not understand that. they look at their own marriage and thinks "ours has worked out well, after 30years we are still together" but that proves nothing to me because we are all different.
sister, are you're parents trying to get you married to a person from back home? And if so then what are the reasons? the real reasons? For him to stay in this country? Or soley because they think he wil be good for you Islamically? If the latter then maybe you want to consider it, which I doubt from what you have already mentioned in you're previous threads. How about you remain firm on you're decision on who to marry? Performed Istikhara? If you have what was you're outcome? If you're parents want you to marry for the former (reason) then I suggest you tell 'em straight that you will not get married to 'him' stating you're reasons. It's simple but hard to do, I know..But inshaAllah when you do get married to the right person..then they will realise. They have no choice. Again this is my opinion. This is what I would do.
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:18 PM
i confided in ma sister in law and she went and told all my other sisters and even my mum. i regret telling her now aswell but the harm is done.
the only person i have is my cousin. we are like glue. crap thing is she lives so far away and my family even h8 me communicatng with her. i cant tx her in front of my parents without them asking who i am texting. and if i am to ring her i ring her when no one is around. and because i am deaf i have to put it on loudspeaker which makes it even worse for me. so i jus stick to textin in private :D
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:22 PM
sister, are you're parents trying to get you married to a person from back home? And if so then what are the reasons? the real reasons? For him to stay in this country? Or soley because they think he wil be good for you Islamically? If the latter then maybe you want to consider it, which I doubt from what you have already mentioned in you're previous threads. How about you remain firm on you're decision on who to marry? Performed Istikhara? If you have what was you're outcome? If you're parents want you to marry for the former (reason) then I suggest you tell 'em straight that you will not get married to 'him' stating you're reasons. It's simple but hard to do, I know..But inshaAllah when you do get married to the right person..then they will realise. They have no choice. Again this is my opinion. This is what I would do.
back home is the only place i can only marry. not just me everyone in my generation. some are lucky choosing their own because their parents have changed. the real reason is because my mum rejected the proposal from my big khala in pakistan she feels real bad and now my other khala is digging it in pressuring my mum to get married to her brother in law and my mum doesnt wana refuse because she doesnt want any enmity between them. and i was like u basing my marriage on that ridiculus excuse. my mum said all this to me. and he is not Islamic. he acts like a girl. i dont see why marriage is the biggest problem in every muslim's life? maybe or maybe not all but for me it has always been an issue getting married back home.i will do istikhara but for now i will leave it down to Allah and see what happens.
afterall Allah knows best
Saudi Prince
06-02-08, 10:24 PM
Sometimes parents are wrong and in other occasions it is children who got it wrong when they think they know it inside out!
If you're not over 22 then I advice you to wait then things may change. You either find yourself wrong and will be able to change or right and be happy that you had taken some time to get the right decision.
May Allah help you.
back home is the only place i can only marry. not just me everyone in my generation. some are lucky choosing their own because their parents have changed. the real reason is because my mum rejected the proposal from my big khala in pakistan she feels real bad and now my other khala is digging it in pressuring my mum to get married to her brother in law and my mum doesnt wana refuse because she doesnt want any enmity between them. and i was like u basing my marriage on that ridiculus excuse. my mum said all this to me. and he is not Islamic. he acts like a girl. i dont see why marriage is the biggest problem in every muslim's life? maybe or maybe not all but for me it has always been an issue getting married back home.i did ishtikhara and i got a bad feeling. he is not the one.
Well then. You have you're answer sis! You cannot marry that dude. you got you're answer alhamdulillah.
Have you got someone in mind?
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:27 PM
i dont think a good brother would marry somebody's daughter without her wali's consent, dispite the reasons the wali may have rejected him
its moi personal opinion dont start spiiting yer venom at me please :fairy:
i agree. but who said anything about wali...?? of course i will only marry with my wali's consent. i aint that stupid to go against islam and marry without my wali. subhanAllah
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:31 PM
Well then. You have you're answer sis! You cannot marry that dude. you got you're answer alhamdulillah.
Have you got someone in mind?
LOL. yeah iv got someone in mind but he is himself from pakistan but he is Alhamdulillah pious. i have never seen him as i have never been pakistan but i have been told loads about him and i have heard him talk over the phone talking about marriage when he rings my cousin (he is my cousins bro in law)but i have nevr spoken to him due to my deafness and difficulty understanding him.
his heart is Alhamdulillah in the right place. he 22. we are not related. his deen is Alhamdulillah is there and his love for islam. he has gone to dubai and on his return he is going to go umrah and he said whoever he married he wants to go hajj with her. and that is what i want also.
is this enough to prove that he is the right one for me? my cousin knows him very well and has spent most of her live living in the same as him in Pakistan.
LOL. yeah iv got someone in mind but he is himself from pakistan but he is Alhamdulillah the one for me. i have never seen him as i have never been pakistan but i have been told loads about him and i have heard him talk over the phone talking about marriage with me but i have nevr spoken to him due to my deafness and difficulty understanding him.
his heart is Alhamdulillah in the right place. he 22. we are not related. his deen is Alhamdulillah is there and his love for islam. he has gone to dubai and on his return he is going to go umrah and he said whoever he married he wants to go hajj with her. and that is what i want also.
is this enough to prove that he is the right one for me? my cousin knows him very well and has spent most of her live living in the same as him in Pakistan.
Sis, do you want to get married now? Do you feel that you are ready?
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:36 PM
Sometimes parents are wrong and in other occasions it is children who got it wrong when they think they know it inside out!
If you're not over 22 then I advice you to wait then things may change. You either find yourself wrong and will be able to change or right and be happy that you had taken some time to get the right decision.
May Allah help you.
BUT where is ISLAM does it say THAT YOU HAVE TO MARRY TO YOUR COUSIN? i know that it is permissible but it was not reccomended by the Rasool Paak and yeah i have no objection marrying cousins but when there is a chance where we can find a compatible spouse WITH parents help outside then isnt that better then parents saying they have found someone without the knowledge of the son/daugther(s)
wouldnt it be better if parents asked us what we want in a potential spouse and from that they can start looking. how do parents know what sort of spouse one is looking for if the matter is never openly approached and discussed.
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 10:38 PM
BUT where is ISLAM does it say THAT YOU HAVE TO MARRY TO YOUR COUSIN? i know that it is permissible but it was not reccomended by the Rasool Paak and yeah i have no objection marrying cousins but when there is a chance where we can find a compatible spouse WITH parents help outside then isnt that better then parents saying they have found someone without the knowledge of the son/daugther(s)
wouldnt it be better if parents asked us what we want in a potential spouse and from that they can start looking. how do parents know what sort of spouse one is looking for if the matter is never openly approached and discussed.
Your parents know very well who your compatible with.
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:38 PM
Sis, do you want to get married now? Do you feel that you are ready?
when the time is right inshallah. i am in no rush but the tension and atmosphere in my house is very dispressing. but that is no excuse.
i do feel that i am ready but i am in rush to get married. if it happens then yeah il be fine with that. but my mam has got her heart set on getting me married to that dude for the most ridiculus excuse by the time i hit 20 (which is this may)
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:41 PM
Your parents know very well who your compatible with.
actually i disagree with you there. my parents have only this backward cultural approach to marriage and not the islamic approach..
can you see there is a big difference between the two.
i love my parents and i would do anything for their happiness but this is a matter of the rest of my life and it aint no game. so thats why i am choosing wisely who i want to marry. no harm in that? i aint commiting no sin am i?
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 10:44 PM
actually i disagree with you there. my parents have only this backward cultural approach to marriage and not the islamic approach..
can you see there is a big difference between the two.
i love my parents and i would do anything for their happiness but this is a matter of the rest of my life and it aint no game. so thats why i am choosing wisely who i want to marry. no harm in that? i aint commiting no sin am i?
Your parents obviously want the best for you, they're not out there to ruin your life agreed????
Let them do the search and than you can pick and decide, nobody is forcing you to marry anyone.
Saudi Prince
06-02-08, 10:44 PM
BUT where is ISLAM does it say THAT YOU HAVE TO MARRY TO YOUR COUSIN? i know that it is permissible but it was not reccomended by the Rasool Paak and yeah i have no objection marrying cousins but when there is a chance where we can find a compatible spouse WITH parents help outside then isnt that better then parents saying they have found someone without the knowledge of the son/daugther(s)
wouldnt it be better if parents asked us what we want in a potential spouse and from that they can start looking. how do parents know what sort of spouse one is looking for if the matter is never openly approached and discussed.
I agree with you completely in what you said. And I am aware that the sub-continent people sometimes can follow a bad culture. It sometimes make my blood boil. However, I do not know you nor the person you want to marry so I have to be fair and mention the two possibilities. If you are sooo sure that the person you want to marry is a pious and decent one then try to find people who can influence your parents decision. Be brave and and patient and try to get people from your own family or vey close friends to support you. Ask Allah for tawfeeq and Allah shall choose for you the best.
May you find a true Muslim person whom you love.
when the time is right inshallah. i am in no rush but the tension and atmosphere in my house is very dispressing. but that is no excuse.
i do feel that i am ready but i am in rush to get married. if it happens then yeah il be fine with that. but my mam has got her heart set on getting me married to that dude for the most ridiculus excuse by the time i hit 20 (which is this may)
ah May.
You can simply say no.:up:It's hard to, seeing how backwards parents are..but you gotta work on it yeah? Sis..you are in my duas..:love:
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 10:49 PM
ah May.
You can simply say no.:up:It's hard to, seeing how backwards parents are..but you gotta work on it yeah? Sis..you are in my duas..:love:
Everybody's in your duas except me right binty :rolleyes:
Everybody's in your duas except me right binty :rolleyes:
hell yeah!
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:51 PM
Your parents obviously want the best for you, they're not out there to ruin your life agreed????
Let them do the search and than you can pick and decide, nobody is forcing you to marry anyone.
well i cant disagree with that but looking at the spouses that they chose for my sister i wouldnt say it is any good.
what search is there? there is no one else. my mum has said she will not look for anybody else. she goes to me that i go and look myself. the thing is we only do cousin marriages. (shame) and they are saying there is no one else but thats not true.
can i not break the dreadlock and say look mum you said find one myself and that is exactly what i will do. but i will know the result. no matter what she will not give me the consent to marry him. what was my mistake in that?
do you get where i am coming from?
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 10:52 PM
hell yeah!
:eek: i never doubted it :D
:eek: i never doubted it :D
well done! you..
FAILED:rubeyes:
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:53 PM
Everybody's in your duas except me right binty :rolleyes:
lol.
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:55 PM
I agree with you completely in what you said. And I am aware that the sub-continent people sometimes can follow a bad culture. It sometimes make my blood boil. However, I do not know you nor the person you want to marry so I have to be fair and mention the two possibilities. If you are sooo sure that the person you want to marry is a pious and decent one then try to find people who can influence your parents decision. Be brave and and patient and try to get people from your own family or vey close friends to support you. Ask Allah for tawfeeq and Allah shall choose for you the best.
May you find a true Muslim person whom you love.
Ameen.
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 10:56 PM
ah May.
You can simply say no.:up:It's hard to, seeing how backwards parents are..but you gotta work on it yeah? Sis..you are in my duas..:love:
i have said NO about a millions time or i think i have lost count lol but they are not willing to agree with my decision. cant they just drop it seeing as i have said NO. and when i say NO i mean it.
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 10:57 PM
well i cant disagree with that but looking at the spouses that they chose for my sister i wouldnt say it is any good.
what search is there? there is no one else. my mum has said she will not look for anybody else. she goes to me that i go and look myself. the thing is we only do cousin marriages. (shame) and they are saying there is no one else but thats not true.
can i not break the dreadlock and say look mum you said find one myself and that is exactly what i will do. but i will know the result. no matter what she will not give me the consent to marry him. what was my mistake in that?
do you get where i am coming from?
She said go look for someone yourself :freedom:
Well cousin marriages are just :S but i guess your mom wants to play it safe, nothing wrong with that but you must be happy at the end of the day.
Yes i see where your coming from, your in a tough situation. What does your father have to say about this??? Tell him you don't like any of the cousins and want to look for someone outside the family.
Just wait it out, don't get pressured into marrying someone you don't want to.
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 10:58 PM
well done! you..
FAILED:rubeyes:
Hugo never fails, the word fail isn't in hugo's dictionary. It's been replaced by the word victorious.
i have said NO about a millions time or i think i have lost count lol but they are not willing to agree with my decision. cant they just drop it seeing as i have said NO. and when i say NO i mean it.
I saw what Saudi Prince wrote..about the part where he asks you to see if there is anyone that can influence you're parents minds? Is there?
We must not hijack this thread Hugo :p
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 11:02 PM
She said go look for someone yourself :freedom:
Well cousin marriages are just :S but i guess your mom wants to play it safe, nothing wrong with that but you must be happy at the end of the day.
Yes i see where your coming from, your in a tough situation. What does your father have to say about this??? Tell him you don't like any of the cousins and want to look for someone outside the family.
Just wait it out, don't get pressured into marrying someone you don't want to.
thank u akhi for understanding my situation. where does my father come he? he doesnt even say anything to me. i wish he would open up first. you no with asian families it is very rare a daughter will tell her father she wants this and that. we'll get lectured and so many times my dad has gone quite on me for no reason. its hard being asian.
yup i totally agree. i will not be forced. plus if that was the case my marriage wont even be halal and considered void based on zina and illigitame children and that. but it is another thing that when you are forced and it does happen that they find their happiness in that person. but for me thats a BIG NO NO
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 11:04 PM
I saw what Saudi Prince wrote..about the part where he asks you to see if there is anyone that can influence you're parents minds? Is there?
erm...i dont want to disrecpt my parents nor disobey them but they should understand that i am not asking for much. i did have my cousin who has for a long time been giving my mum hints and was going to kum and ask for my hand but my mum had no intention. she just totalli ignored it. im alone. but i have Allah. i know He is with me.
you got any suggestions or good words of advice that i can make my parents change their mind?
anything islamical will do.
Let me sleep on it. I'll give it my best shot tomorrow..okay? :)
make du'a and go to bed..and rest you're mind..
Tru_Muslimah
06-02-08, 11:15 PM
Let me sleep on it. I'll give it my best shot tomorrow..okay? :)
make du'a and go to bed..and rest you're mind..
thanks sis. il need it.
jazakallah khair
$HugoBoss$
06-02-08, 11:19 PM
thank u akhi for understanding my situation. where does my father come he? he doesnt even say anything to me. i wish he would open up first. you no with asian families it is very rare a daughter will tell her father she wants this and that. we'll get lectured and so many times my dad has gone quite on me for no reason. its hard being asian.
yup i totally agree. i will not be forced. plus if that was the case my marriage wont even be halal and considered void based on zina and illigitame children and that. but it is another thing that when you are forced and it does happen that they find their happiness in that person. but for me thats a BIG NO NO
Yeah no prob, don't stress about it too much, just have patience, make dua and surely allah will make it easier for you inshallah.
just tell them u'll let them choose but tell them the person has to be tall and religious and u'll take a shot.
Tru_Muslimah
07-02-08, 11:08 AM
just tell them u'll let them choose but tell them the person has to be tall and religious and u'll take a shot.
but they have told me straight that they will not look for anybody else because in their eyes there is no one else who they can find. i so do not believe that.
la howla wala qawata illah billah :( may Allah ta ala assist u ukhti, may Allah ta ala guide this ummah and especially the asians la howla wala qawata illah billah it is soo easy to see why the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said he washed his hands of those living within the firelight of the mushrikeen because look what happened to them, they follow the musrikeen culture in almost every way. even the kuffar would never ever want their daughters to marry someone who they didnt like, even the kuffar would consult them in that so why do we have muslims doing such things to their own children when they have al Islam, la howla wala qawata illah billah my heartbreaks for my asian sisters and brothers in such positions.
I am sick of hearing about selfish parents who marry their daughters off to people they dont even like, and my advice to u all is stand up for the haq of al Islam! we are supposed to enjoin the good and forbid the evil and that goes for parents too !! parents should not be allowed to get away with this sort of jahil behaviour ! In the time of the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam muslims were standing up to this sort of opression against their daughters this type of behaviour was supposed to have been wiped out with the teachings of Al Islam.
stand up for the haq and Allah ta ala will assist u. never ever succomb to jahil ways just because u parents are telling u to, Allah ta ala is your Rabb, not your parents. as the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam told us enjoin the good and forbid the evil and speak a word of truth even if it is against yourself, or even your parents.
It is not until the muslims stand up for the haq of Al Islam, that these jahil ways will come to an end because at the moment most sons and daughters just end up giving into the pressure and crumble and do what their parents want and live miserable lives and end up going astray from Islam because they have become so programmed by these parents to never speak the truth to them because they know they dont want to hear it. And then when they become parents themselves the vicious cycle begins again.. audu billah.
i have seen a very pious girl leave her deen behind after being forced to marry a man her parents chose for her, and now she is doing things that are totally haram and could end her up in prison, and she knows they are haram, but she feels she has no choice because of her parents, and now she also has a husband who is pressuring her too even locking her up until she agrees to do his bidding, and on top of that she also has the husbands parents pressurising her into doing haram now audu billah i used to wish i was like her in deen i looked up to her so much .. and now i dont even know what to say to her anymore, i cant beleive the things she is involved in and how she left her deen behind and all because of listening to jahil parents who would not take no for an answer when it came to her choosing a man she actually liked and wanted to marry. none of her family cares about her, they only care about how much money and status they will have with the ppl back home, and it matters more to them what people will think, than the well being of their own flesh and blood and, they dont seem to even consider what Allah ta ala will bring upon them, for the opression of their own children .... la howla wala qawata illah billah.
Um_yusuf
07-02-08, 12:22 PM
LOL. yeah iv got someone in mind but he is himself from pakistan but he is Alhamdulillah pious. i have never seen him as i have never been pakistan but i have been told loads about him and i have heard him talk over the phone talking about marriage when he rings my cousin (he is my cousins bro in law)but i have nevr spoken to him due to my deafness and difficulty understanding him.
his heart is Alhamdulillah in the right place. he 22. we are not related. his deen is Alhamdulillah is there and his love for islam. he has gone to dubai and on his return he is going to go umrah and he said whoever he married he wants to go hajj with her. and that is what i want also.
is this enough to prove that he is the right one for me? my cousin knows him very well and has spent most of her live living in the same as him in Pakistan.
salaam lil sis
Firstly ,many du'as for you tht Allah swt blesses you with a partner who is pious, ameen:)
That said, i hope u wnt mind wen i ask you this..
Are you sure tht the bro you have in mind, isnt also 'just' interested in a visa? Are you 100% sure that he wants to marry you for the right reasons?
I'd also like to add that not everybody is the same. Iam of pakistani ethenticity and when InshAllah the time comes , my kids will have the choice in who they wish to marry. We wouldnt ever force them to marry from 'back home' if they didnt want to InshAllah. Its so so wrong for parents to force their kids into marriage, the outcome is always a very sad one!
May Allah swt guide parents and the kids who are straying away from Islam, ameen
Tru_Muslimah
07-02-08, 01:47 PM
ukthi 'asiya i agree with you all the way. even i think like you but at the end of the day what do the parents know. they are not even expereinced or learnt about what marriage says in islam.
Tru_Muslimah
07-02-08, 01:49 PM
salaam lil sis
Firstly ,many du'as for you tht Allah swt blesses you with a partner who is pious, ameen:)
That said, i hope u wnt mind wen i ask you this..
Are you sure tht the bro you have in mind, isnt also 'just' interested in a visa? Are you 100% sure that he wants to marry you for the right reasons?
I'd also like to add that not everybody is the same. Iam of pakistani ethenticity and when InshAllah the time comes , my kids will have the choice in who they wish to marry. We wouldnt ever force them to marry from 'back home' if they didnt want to InshAllah. Its so so wrong for parents to force their kids into marriage, the outcome is always a very sad one!
May Allah swt guide parents and the kids who are straying away from Islam, ameen
Ameen. the brother has said that he does not care about the visa. he said pakistan is my england and wants to stay with his parents. when he was asked if he would like to marry he said give him some time to think about it and after a couple of days he made his decision and said he wants to marry me but not for the visa.
if he just wanted to marry me for the visa then he would have said yes straight away but he didn't.
i wouldnt mind living with him in pakistan with his parents but i am tooooo shy lol i have never been pakistan either so i do not know what to expect.
Alhamdulillah brother you are right about when the times come with your children i will follow islam and not this so called tradtion and culture but as long as it is done halal. no bf/gd stuff. inshAllah
Ameen. the brother has said that he does not care about the visa. he said pakistan is my england and wants to stay with his parents. when he was asked if he would like to marry he said give him some time to think about it and after a couple of days he made his decision and said he wants to marry me but not for the visa.
if he just wanted to marry me for the visa then he would have said yes straight away but he didn't.
i wouldnt mind living with him in pakistan with his parents but i am tooooo shy lol i have never been pakistan either so i do not know what to expect.
Alhamdulillah brother you are right about when the times come with your children i will follow islam and not this so called tradtion and culture but as long as it is done halal. no bf/gd stuff. inshAllah
i would advise u also to put it in the marriage contract, and have him agree to that before the nikkah, that u will not be applying for a visa for him to the uk on the basis of your marriage , this is the only way that you can be sure these days because even from those who are hafiz of Quran and seem knowledgble in deen , it is a sad reality that many women get tricked like this even from those who they least expected it from.
Um_yusuf
07-02-08, 03:04 PM
Ameen. the brother has said that he does not care about the visa. he said pakistan is my england and wants to stay with his parents. when he was asked if he would like to marry he said give him some time to think about it and after a couple of days he made his decision and said he wants to marry me but not for the visa.
if he just wanted to marry me for the visa then he would have said yes straight away but he didn't.
i wouldnt mind living with him in pakistan with his parents but i am tooooo shy lol i have never been pakistan either so i do not know what to expect.
Alhamdulillah brother you are right about when the times come with your children i will follow islam and not this so called tradtion and culture but as long as it is done halal. no bf/gd stuff. inshAllah
InshAllah everything goes well for you sis
your in my duas
n im a sis btw;)
Tru_Muslimah
07-02-08, 05:23 PM
InshAllah everything goes well for you sis
your in my duas
n im a sis btw;)
soooo sori :embar:
LastFriday
07-02-08, 05:33 PM
Its because the parents themselves never had a choice. In South Asian
communities, Indo-Pak, most parents choose the spouses for their kids. My
mom never even saw my dad until the day of the nikkah :rubeyes:
Its pretty weird. But the thing is, back then the kids had a lot more respect
for their parents which is a very good thing and it is very commendable but
they weren't looking at marriage Islamically. Their parents choice was
sufficient for them. Those families were brought up in a environment where
you do not ask questions and most kids didn't have a say, I mean this is all
good in a family where everyone is somewhat religious and the family still
has a bond! But in those families where the father was abusive and didn't
care for his kids and wife, the husband would control everything. I've seen
this happen. The family was still brought up with those underlying morals of
respect however, the family was being too controlled and kids had no
choice in their careers, their friends, or their marriage! Some times it works
sometimes it doesn't. Most of the times those traits are passed onto the
kids and now they try to do the same to their kids. Its a big cultural mix-up.
Honor became the higher standard leaving Islamic rulings and
recommendations behind. And now that their kids are brought up in this
society where they are more exposed to Islam and really see they do
have a say and choice, it turns into a clash. Then you have those kids
who even after being exposed to Islam choose not to change
themselves, but instead use this newly found information to their
benefit and use it as a excuse to do immoral things.
Seen that too.
Tru_Muslimah
07-02-08, 05:44 PM
Its because the parents themselves never had a choice. In South Asian
communities, Indo-Pak, most parents choose the spouses for their kids. My
mom never even saw my dad until the day of the nikkah :rubeyes:
Its pretty weird. But the thing is, back then the kids had a lot more respect
for their parents which is a very good thing and it is very commendable but
they weren't looking at marriage Islamically. Their parents choice was
sufficient for them. Those families were brought up in a environment where
you do not ask questions and most kids didn't have a say, I mean this is all
good in a family where everyone is somewhat religious and the family still
has a bond! But in those families where the father was abusive and didn't
care for his kids and wife, the husband would control everything. I've seen
this happen. The family was still brought up with those underlying morals of
respect however, the family was being too controlled and kids had no
choice in their careers, their friends, or their marriage! Some times it works
sometimes it doesn't. Most of the times those traits are passed onto the
kids and now they try to do the same to their kids. Its a big cultural mix-up.
Honor became the higher standard leaving Islamic rulings and
recommendations behind. And now that their kids are brought up in this
society where they are more exposed to Islam and really see they do
have a say and choice, it turns into a clash. Then you have those kids
who even after being exposed to Islam choose not to change
themselves, but instead use this newly found information to their
benefit and use it as a excuse to do immoral things.
Seen that too.
hmmm that was my point exactly about parents. the way they were brought up by their parents was different. Islam was still there in them days as well. and still they refused to follow it. maybe they did follow islam to an extent but when it came to marriage, education and all that it was restricted just in case someone brings shame on the family and they were too freely enjoying life. yea i understand that. but doesnt everyone have a mind of their own what is right and wrong, and to do good and forbid the evil?
it all lies in the way that they were brought up. they didnt have a choice in anything so they adapted these cultures and practice them with their own childrens. there are limits as well to certain cultures which do seem to contradict islam and the Rasool Paak.
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