Pre Marriage Question Time

[Bubblegoose]

OK, those who are married will probably be in a better position to answer this question.

What type of questions should one generate during the one to one prospective bride question session?

What kind of signs should I be looking for to see if she is a sincere one?

Please share your knowledge on this matter, thanks.

[Cashew]

OK, those who are married will probably be in a better position to answer this question.

What type of questions should one generate during the one to one prospective bride question session?

What kind of signs should I be looking for to see if she is a sincere one?

Please share your knowledge on this matter, thanks.

The questions don't matter.

What's important is your gut reaction to her.

Some very elegant and respected scientific studies about human decision-making have demonstrated that our split-second gut-level reactions tend to be very accurate in this sort of situation.

When you want to buy a car, do all the possible research you can. Ask 1000 questions. Research the car to death.

But in terms of a big-deal decision like this -- choosing a bride -- you of course ask questions.

But what really counts is how you spontaneously respond to her. On a gut level.

[`asiya]

OK, those who are married will probably be in a better position to answer this question.

What type of questions should one generate during the one to one prospective bride question session?

What kind of signs should I be looking for to see if she is a sincere one?

Please share your knowledge on this matter, thanks.

:salams the main thing i would check out, is what is the persons understanding of al Islam, because never ever take it for granted that just because someone is a muslim, even if someone is an alim and hafiz of Quran, that they understand Islam as u do. They may think certain things are permissible that u find unaceptable in a marriage for example, differences on sending a wife out to work, delaying having children, travel without a mahram, do they want children ( do they even like kids) how important is telling the truth, do they want to make hijrah, are either of u happy to raise ur kids ( insha Allah ta ala ) in the non muslim lands, what is your opinion on sending ur kids to a non muslim mixed school, does she beleive in having birthdays, doe she believe her place is at her husbands side, or does she think she can go spend weeks or months of the year staying with her parents and leaving u alone, or do u want her to live in your parents house because u cant afford to provide one for her yourself, and are u both happy with that etc. etc.

If u have a culture thing going on, or she does , then same applies too, how much culture are they into opposed to their islam.. what does she think about hijab ( and hijab in weddings how many brothers to their horror on the day of their nikkah found the sister they were about to marry sitting in a tight lengha caked in make-up in full view uncovered audu billah just because its ur wedding day doesnt give a woman free reign to be half dressed)

all these things can make huge problems in the future if the spouse doesnt see things as u do. Its not like u make a big checklist but just chat about your goals and aspirations, and what your islamic views and understandings are.

There are so many issues that may seem obvious but especially in these times where people like to make things so easy on themselves and are so into dunya never take it for granted that a muslim will be following Islam as u know it, and if they dont have much knowledge of Islam then thats not a problem as long as they are sincere in adhering to the truth once it is presented to them ... for me this would be my main priority because u cant go wrong in a marriage if you are both sticking to Islam, along with that i would add what cashew said ... do u just click with each other in general as far as personalities go. may Allah guide to a good wife and may u help strengthen each other on the deen amin.

[Raashid]

Obviously that so-called "click" has to be there which may be part of the same gut level reaction that Chashew talks of. Nevertheless, there are some things that you could ask that have practical implications to life.
For example, her attitudes to a man being the head of the marriage, how many kids she wants, if she wants to live away from parents, if those are issues for you. Then there's the chastity factor, if that's an issue for you, and also your own personality quirks to ascertain whether she can put up with it.

[Bubblegoose]

Thanks for the wise words folks.:up:

[urban_rose]

You could look at this thread for ideas :)

http://www.ummah.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-83939.html

[muhammed_1428]

A good friend of mine is married and Masha'allah his wife had their first child, their daughter they decided to call Haajar (May Allah reward them).

The brother said to me the other day - that the couple need the same reference point for solving their problems, Islam.

That is to say - its of course inevitable there will be disagreements, even arguments within the couple - but what is important is that both agree that they look to Islam for the solution to their problem, so say you have a scenario:

Husband comes home from work tired, and the wife has her friends round - the husband may say "I want to come home to a house with just my wife in it to relax with her after (maybe) working more hours than she has for the day. The sister may say, I had a long day too and wanted to chill out with friends and was unaware what time you'd be home but me and my friends have just settled - solution? Compromise between both Insha'allah - where is this solution mentioned and interpreted from? Islam essentially (can't go into detail of hadeeth etc - but of course the couple know their obligation to each other for the sake of Allah SWT, and so will compromise in light of those obligations).

So yeh, I think a good question (lol, sounds like an interview question!) is where do you refer to to solve most of life's problems? Or what makes you content in certain situations? Or do you accept that we may have conflict in the future?

The way I see it is if you get that out the way, then Insha'allah no matter what other differences be it taste in clothes, taste in food, sleeping patterns, whatever - you'll be able to solve these problems because you have that same reference point and will therefore find it easier to agree in the future.

All the best with finding you bride-to-be! Salaam