Should I leave him?

[aishah_28]

:rubeyes: I've been married for 3 yrs, and jus gave birth to my 2nd child 3 mths ago. My hubby have cheated on me before, could say quite a number of times and ask for my forgiveness and promising to change. I too will forgive him and start everything afresh but......After a while, he'll do it again. I did fought with him, argued, and even boycotted, yet there's no full stop.

I always start afresh with him b cos I know he's a very good father. I'm very depressed and I got no one to share my woes to. My family members think that I'm happy with him and he is a good son in law to them.

In fact, as a wife, I try not fail my duties even though I am working. I practically do everything for him. Even cook for him lunch & prepare breakfast before leaving for work. I iron his clothes, keep the house clean, and try out new receipes on weekends. He got no sense of appreciation. I even chnge myself for him. Dress up decently, listen to him, respect him alot. I'm sick and tired to salvaging my marriage every time. Myt whole pay check goes to him. I even lost weight & try to look gd for him. So that he'll not have any reason to start back his nonsense again.

Hubby is helping out my uncle on his off days. Whenever he's otw home, he'll inform me. Then if happened to call him at times, I've noticed that he's always on call waiting. When I asked him, he said its his friend. We had fight over this quite a few times. Then I also started noticing, the call duration. It can last up to half & hr. He doen't hang on the phone when he's at home with me & the kids.

When I question him, he said his friend, tat's all. After afew time, I've started noticing that call duration is 2 or 3 secs. I know there's something fishy. I asked him whether he's hanging on the phone with anyone else. Then he started arguing, and said he know I'll nvr change and will suspect him always. He asked whether I took his call details (the outgoing calls made by him?) or what. If not guilty, then y the hell must he be so defensive?

I want to leave him. I did my best and I'm on the verge of leaving him but I'm tied down wit my 2 kids. I don't want to deprive them of father's love. He's always home and no late nite outs. But even without these things he's capable of having affairs since he had done that before.

Sorry for being so long winded... I'm confuse & depress...:(

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams

Sis, before any major decisons you should pray Istikharaa.

As you know your situation best, we're only spectators givin info based on the information you gave us.

Try and pray Istikharaa as whatever step you take will be big.

Loads of Duas and love sis :love:

:wswrwb:

[Khuram_2k?]

you cant do much about it until you can guarantee that he is having an affair, remind him of the major sins he may be commiting and let him know what he is risking by doing this.

And Allah knows best

[aishah_28]

you cant do much about it until you can guarantee that he is having an affair, remind him of the major sins he may be commiting and let him know what he is risking by doing this.

And Allah knows best

Whenever I found out, he'll deny them but his so called gfs say something else. He has also lied to them that he's either a single or divorcee :rubeyes: It's so depressing especially when I have forgiven him and wants to start all over again with him.

[Kal-El]

Is this question for real?

[Al-Farooq]

Sis, with all due respect, you shouldn't place any weight in the opinions of strangers on an internet forum. This is a complicated issue and a very serious matter and, although we may have your best interests at heart, we can't make an informed judgement based upon a short internet post, it's too important and complex an issue to make snap judgements.

Pray istikhara and place your trust in Allah subhanhu wa ta'aala for guidance.

I'm sure your family and friends would be willing to listen and advise you, also. They may be able to help you reach the right decision, as they know the situation much better than we do.

May Allah aza wa jall bring you peace and guide you to the right decision. Ameen.

[aishah_28]

Sis, with all due respect, you shouldn't place any weight in the opinions of strangers on an internet forum. This is a complicated issue and a very serious matter and, although we may have your best interests at heart, we can't make an informed judgement based upon a short internet post, it's too important and complex an issue to make snap judgements.

Pray istikhara and place your trust in Allah subhanhu wa ta'aala for guidance.

I'm sure your family and friends would be willing to listen and advise you, also. They may be able to help you reach the right decision, as they know the situation much better than we do.

May Allah aza wa jall bring you peace and guide you to the right decision. Ameen.

I was feeling frustrated and got no one to ell to. To tell frankly, I don't know whether am I making the right decision or not by leaving him. First of all, I do still love him and he provides me with everything and also takes gd care of the children.

But I can't tolerate his infidelity...:(

[PiElle2]

Sis... In every marriage, there are bound to be problems. If you had not been so suspicious in the first place, you would not even know of his infidelity right...?

Ultimately, it's your DECISION whether to stay in or out of a marriage.

We all face difficulties and problems in life. Either decision will have their equal share of problems, but different. Being steadfast in your decision is far more important and difficult than the problem itself.

May Allah grant you patience and peace. Ameen.

[Al-Farooq]

I understand your frustration, it's a terrible predicament to find yourself in and I can I can certainly sympathise with how you are feeling, for what it's worth.

Perhaps it may be time to confide in your family about what has been happening in your marriage. I'm sure if your family knew how you were feeling, they would do whatever they could to support you and help you resolve this matter.

Have you begun praying istikhara yet? For such a major decision it's always wise to place your trust in Allah ta'ala and ask for His guidance.

[Raashid]

I disagree with all the posters who are giving the lovey-dovey "do istikhara" approach. You don't need to do istikhara to know that adultery is a major sin in Islam which is punishable by death if confessed to or witnessed. Unless you're not very religious yourself, why would anyone want to be married to someone who conciously indulges in major sins?
If he's really a good father, then he'll still be so even if you're divorced. Have some dignity in yourself sister, get away from his NOW!

[1 Level]

Sister do what you feel is best for you and your children,maybe a short break from hubby would do you both some good.

[ammarcool]

be patient dear sister coz when he cares you & your children very well, looks after house holds things very well means then i dont think that he is having relationships with other SHAITAANs!

Are you sure and confirmed that he is talking with his gfs? :( if its like that tell him straightaway saying his is doing a major sin & please stop it. If he didnt do so inform about this to his parents. Eventhough if he didnt change his habits then WARN him before taking any major decisions.

May Almighty grant you SABR and May Almighty give hidayah to that brother. Ameen.

[`asiya]

Sis, with all due respect, you shouldn't place any weight in the opinions of strangers on an internet forum. This is a complicated issue and a very serious matter and, although we may have your best interests at heart, we can't make an informed judgement based upon a short internet post, it's too important and complex an issue to make snap judgements.

Pray istikhara and place your trust in Allah subhanhu wa ta'aala for guidance.

I'm sure your family and friends would be willing to listen and advise you, also. They may be able to help you reach the right decision, as they know the situation much better than we do.

May Allah aza wa jall bring you peace and guide you to the right decision. Ameen. amin :jkk:

I was feeling frustrated and got no one to ell to. To tell frankly, I don't know whether am I making the right decision or not by leaving him. First of all, I do still love him and he provides me with everything and also takes gd care of the children.

But I can't tolerate his infidelity...:(

sister this is very serious matter, proven or admitted adultery is punishable by death in Islam ... it is no small thing, please please go to an imam, if u dont have one u can trust or speak to openly then please contact http://www.islamic-sharia.org/ u can write to them, or call them and they are masha Allah very nice brothers, they will advise you sincerely and if need be they will even contact or speak to your husband if u agree, and help bring him back into line insha Allah ta ala.

You do not have to be putting up with any of this, u should not be out working to support this man if there is no excuse for him not working and u say he is providing i presume u mean inother ways, but he should provide money for u too , and after what u have been though and put up with then u certainly deserve more respect as a muslim woman, and as a wife. may Allah ta ala make it easy on ur heart sister i cant imagine u difficult this all must be for u have strength insha Allah, dont dispair Allah ta ala is there for u and knows ur pain and struggles. please contact the people of knowlege about this matter sister its very serious Islam, marriage and adultery are not small matters.

[SFYP]

be patient dear sister coz when he cares you & your children very well, looks after house holds things very well means then i dont think that he is having relationships with other SHAITAANs!

Are you sure and confirmed that he is talking with his gfs? :( if its like that tell him straightaway saying his is doing a major sin & please stop it. If he didnt do so inform about this to his parents. Eventhough if he didnt change his habits then WARN him before taking any major decisions.

May Almighty grant you SABR and May Almighty give hidayah to that brother. Ameen.



This man also takes all her money and does not do anything around the house

[SFYP]

I disagree with all the posters who are giving the lovey-dovey "do istikhara" approach. You don't need to do istikhara to know that adultery is a major sin in Islam which is punishable by death if confessed to or witnessed. Unless you're not very religious yourself, why would anyone want to be married to someone who conciously indulges in major sins?
If he's really a good father, then he'll still be so even if you're divorced. Have some dignity in yourself sister, get away from his NOW!

You can do istikhara, but that won't change him. You need to start thinking about yourself and your children. Don't be foolish to go back to him simply because you still love him. This is a serious matter and you need to either involve your family and speak to them or get help from an imam/sheikh.

[parwaaz]

sister from experience I can relate to your issues and the sadness/isolation you are going through. However, the problem as you have highlighted yourself is the children. i personally feel if one has children they should try and sort things out as much as possible.This is becaus the children will be split between the mother and the father, they will never have their father and mothers love, attention and care together and only those who are deprived of it will truly now how heart-breaking that is.

sister, you are now caring for your 2 children, the husband and looking after the house, I cant understand why you are giving the money to your husband. do you not think you deserve to keep it to yourself.have u ever thought if you of him left each other this money could help you out. Please dont just hand it over to him, husbands who are cheaters are very selfish, they take that money and spend it on their girl friends.Why do you want him to do that, please stop giving him that money.

You are suspicious re the phone calls he is making and his past is giving air to your suspicouns. but please get that confirmed before you make any decision. These days you can hire private investgators who can film the cheaters and provide you with the evidence. if you are fine with that approach then go ahead with it, because it can put your heart and mind at rest and find out if you were right to suspect him all along or was it otherwise.

I just pray to Allah almighty your burdens are eased and you are guided towards the path or love, sincerity and trust.

[Raashid]

What I don't get is why people think the children are a factor to stay with him. Surley any Muslim wouldn't want their children to have any influence from a major sinner? What kind of example is he for their morality?

[`asiya]

What I don't get is why people think the children are a factor to stay with him. Surley any Muslim wouldn't want their children to have any influence from a major sinner? What kind of example is he for their morality?

very good point masha Allah, definately someting to consider before the children are old enough to realise what is going on around them if their father does not repent and change his ways.

[bint]

Sister, is it able for you to contact a knowledgeble person on this matter? There many female scholars out there if a male is not comfortable for you.

[umm shuyookh]

May Allah guide you to the best decision for you concerning your marriage and give you the strength to be patient whatever the case. It is difficult to advice you to leave or stay. I just have to remind you about the risks to your health if you continue to have intimacy with your husband if it is confirmed that he is cheating. I know personally of a case wherein a man caught HIV from girlfriends and infected his wife and they are both dead now leaving their children orphaned and helpless. Please, i am not suggesting you leave him, just apply some common sense if you decide to remain at least till you are certain he has changed his ways insha Allah.

[Qiyas]

:rubeyes: I've been married for 3 yrs, and jus gave birth to my 2nd child 3 mths ago. My hubby have cheated on me before, could say quite a number of times and ask for my forgiveness and promising to change. I too will forgive him and start everything afresh but......After a while, he'll do it again. I did fought with him, argued, and even boycotted, yet there's no full stop.

I always start afresh with him b cos I know he's a very good father. I'm very depressed and I got no one to share my woes to. My family members think that I'm happy with him and he is a good son in law to them.

In fact, as a wife, I try not fail my duties even though I am working. I practically do everything for him. Even cook for him lunch & prepare breakfast before leaving for work. I iron his clothes, keep the house clean, and try out new receipes on weekends. He got no sense of appreciation. I even chnge myself for him. Dress up decently, listen to him, respect him alot. I'm sick and tired to salvaging my marriage every time. Myt whole pay check goes to him. I even lost weight & try to look gd for him. So that he'll not have any reason to start back his nonsense again.

Hubby is helping out my uncle on his off days. Whenever he's otw home, he'll inform me. Then if happened to call him at times, I've noticed that he's always on call waiting. When I asked him, he said its his friend. We had fight over this quite a few times. Then I also started noticing, the call duration. It can last up to half & hr. He doen't hang on the phone when he's at home with me & the kids.

When I question him, he said his friend, tat's all. After afew time, I've started noticing that call duration is 2 or 3 secs. I know there's something fishy. I asked him whether he's hanging on the phone with anyone else. Then he started arguing, and said he know I'll nvr change and will suspect him always. He asked whether I took his call details (the outgoing calls made by him?) or what. If not guilty, then y the hell must he be so defensive?

I want to leave him. I did my best and I'm on the verge of leaving him but I'm tied down wit my 2 kids. I don't want to deprive them of father's love. He's always home and no late nite outs. But even without these things he's capable of having affairs since he had done that before.

Sorry for being so long winded... I'm confuse & depress...:(

:salams Ukhti

Do you have any evidence or proof that he is up to it again, or is it just a suspicion ?
If it's just suspicion, then it could be Shaitan trying to come between you both...

:jkk:

:salams

[Aboo Uthmaan]

As-salaamu 'alaikum

Dear sister

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, however, like Br. al-Farooq mentioned, it is best not to take the opinion of any of us since I highly doubt any of us are qualified to tackle such a weighty issue. What part of the world do you live in?

Was-salaamu 'alaikum

Aboo Uthmaan

[Neurostyler]

Quit sleeping with him unless you use a condom... who knows what he's got.

[Kal-El]

Question to people here

In the past I have given advice for people who have complicated problems to go see an Imam or a knowledgable person who can list their options to them. But those are general problems where even those not involved cannot think of a solution, so when we get cases like this where the issue at hand is so potent as adultery - why are people flooding this sister to seek a knowledgable person where her options are very clear?

I understand that some do not want to mention divorce, but surely by ignoring that you are undermining her obvious option? Are we going to have "go to an Imam" as the standard default response to every issue people have?

This sister, who is the mother to his children, must be breaking like glass inside with this frustration and hurt. Should we not show some compassion and speak some sense to her?

She has grounds for divorce if he has cheated on her. Seeing as she has trouble in contemplating that, she needs to tell he changes. If he does not, then she needs to seriously consider it because a marriage like that is a shambles. If she cannot bear the thought of that, then Khalas - because personally its tiring to see people complain all the time, and do not want to do anything about it whilst their partner walks all over them with disrespect to them and their responsibilites as a husband in a marriage.

[Pro_Candy]

Quit sleeping with him unless you use a condom... who knows what he's got.

Exactly. You don't need to come up with diseases he may get from someone else.

Also, your children are young. If you do decide to leave him, it will be easier on them now than it will be when they are older.

If you are positive that he is cheating, you have every reason to leave. No good person deserves a cheater. Don't torture yourself that way. Don't let your kids grow up thinking that moms are supposed to be depressed and sad, and dads are supposed to be the only ones who are happy.

If you're not sure, do your best to find out. Stop giving him your paychecks, hire a PI, and be sure.

[Aboo Uthmaan]

[B]I understand that some do not want to mention divorce, but surely by ignoring that you are undermining her obvious option? Are we going to have "go to an Imam" as the standard default response to every issue people have?
I don’t think anybody is trying to avoid the word “divorce”, the point is, neither you or I are qualified to deal with these intricate issues, so the sister should speak to those who are qualified to deal with them such that the sister is able to have the best possible outcome for her predicament. Remember, neither you or I are qualified to issue a khula’, so there are some technicalities that mean she has no choice but to consult those who are qualified to deal with them. Hence the reason I asked what part of the world she is in so I could then offer some practical advice.

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams



She has grounds for divorce if he has cheated on her. Seeing as she has trouble in contemplating that, she needs to tell he changes. If he does not, then she needs to seriously consider it because a marriage like that is a shambles. If she cannot bear the thought of that, then Khalas - because personally its tiring to see people complain all the time, and do not want to do anything about it whilst their partner walks all over them with disrespect to them and their responsibilites as a husband in a marriage.

You are right but at the same time we do not know the entire situation, we're mere spectators at the end of the day the consequences of her actions will not affect us- but will affect her, her husband and her children.

There are kids involved in this, if it was her then she could maybe make a clean break but she is considering what's best for the kids and hence why it's best to consult an Imam. There is no proof yet he has cheated on her, you need to give excuses to the husband as well. No one is telling her to allow her husband to walk all over her- but maybe the Imam can offer some situation that we haven't thought of? For instance a temporary break, the husband may realise how much he loves his kids and if ..only if there is something he is doing with other girls then he can give it up. Or maybe the Imam can offer to talk to the husband in a subtle way. Or maybe she needs to open up and explain the situation to her parents. Wallahu Alim

Akhee let's face it- there's the whole divorced stigma society frowns upon, and it's hard for someone to re-marry plus custody of the children will be an issue if one thinks in haste and says they should divorce based on their assumptions.

:wswrwb:

[Le Croyant]

is this affair with the same woman?

if yes, then tell him to take the woman as his 2nd wife. I m saying this as he keeps going to her, u love him too and he's good in other things (unless i read it wrong). Atleast that way he will b away frm haraam.

[afsalim]

Cheating has become his habit sis, no offense! If you really don't want to deprive your children the love of a father (provided he is a good father), then consider sacrificing your own happiness for the rest of your life.

[Honey87]

I understand that children are invloved, but sometimes, with situations like this, it may even be best for the children. I have seen some children who are much happier when there parents are divorced as their parents are happier.

You don't deprive children of love from their father if you divorce. He can still spend time with them etc, and obviously, he must still provide for his children as it is his duty.

[MFT]

hardly got past the first line and I knew where it was going.

Leave the jerk

[GKM]

:salams Ukhti

Do you have any evidence or proof that he is up to it again, or is it just a suspicion ?
If it's just suspicion, then it could be Shaitan trying to come between you both...

:jkk:

:salams
Women are always suspicious. I would say she must not leave her as she mentioned in her post that he is a good father and cares everything at home.I will advise her not to give him any money. If her hubby rings some one then it may be work collegue male/female. Just pray for her and tell him
it is sin if he has any relation with other women.

[Medievalist]

As said before: contact your ulama for further clarification.

But I wouldnt advise you on a divorce. Whatever sins the man does is on his head, you should practice patience for the sake of yourself, your children and your honour. You need to try and win your husbands heart if he is straying - sometimes it happens that the wife appears in a dishevelled and unkept manner infront of her husband, is rude to him or too informal etc - these things may fill the husbands heart with dislike and turn him away.

Im not saying that thats your situation, Im just saying sometimes it happens that a woman herself does not work to entice her husband. In all honesty sister, men need to be tempted by their wives in general to keep them in line, you need to do that. and hope for the best :)

[`asiya]

As said before: contact your ulama for further clarification.

But I wouldnt advise you on a divorce. Whatever sins the man does is on his head, you should practice patience for the sake of yourself, your children and your honour. You need to try and win your husbands heart if he is straying - sometimes it happens that the wife appears in a dishevelled and unkept manner infront of her husband, is rude to him or too informal etc - these things may fill the husbands heart with dislike and turn him away.

Im not saying that thats your situation, Im just saying sometimes it happens that a woman herself does not work to entice her husband. In all honesty sister, men need to be tempted by their wives in general to keep them in line, you need to do that. and hope for the best :)


I really dont think its fair to say it is somehow her fault that he strayed, he can marry again up to 4 times, he doesnt have to commit adultery if that is true and what he has admitted to.

[Medievalist]

I really dont think its fair to say it is somehow her fault that he strayed, he can marry again up to 4 times, he doesnt have to commit adultery if that is true and what he has admitted to.

I didnt say its her fault. I said that she should try and win her husband over.

[Qiyas]

How about establishing first whether there is anything actually going on ?
In all fairness, this is all based upon speculation at the moment...
Wait for the Ukhti to first answer whether she actually has any proof or evidence that something is going on right now...

:jkk:

:salams

[`asiya]

I didnt say its her fault. I said that she should try and win her husband over.

if he has admitted to his wife, committing adultery in the past , and taken money off her and sent her out to work, then it is he who need to win his wife over.

[Medievalist]

if he has admitted to adultery in the past , and taken money off her and sent her out to work, then it is he who need to win his wife over.

men can be right thick when it comes to relationships. No1s defending a man if he's wrong, but do two rongs equal a right? no. she should be sensible inshaALLAH and make her marriage work. ALLAH will reward her for it, inshaALLAH.

anyway I dont think our lil discussion is much use to the sister. so me no saying nothing. :)

[sis_niqabi]

if he has admitted to his wife, committing adultery in the past , and taken money off her and sent her out to work, then it is he who need to win his wife over.

i agree ukhti. all cheating men should be do all the winning over. they are the ones who messed up and put the marriage in danger

[Neurostyler]

He takes all her money as well? Well, that's just the cherry on the rotten cake.

[Pippin1376]

:rubeyes: I've been married for 3 yrs, and jus gave birth to my 2nd child 3 mths ago. My hubby have cheated on me before, could say quite a number of times and ask for my forgiveness and promising to change. I too will forgive him and start everything afresh but......After a while, he'll do it again. I did fought with him, argued, and even boycotted, yet there's no full stop.

I always start afresh with him b cos I know he's a very good father. I'm very depressed and I got no one to share my woes to. My family members think that I'm happy with him and he is a good son in law to them.

In fact, as a wife, I try not fail my duties even though I am working. I practically do everything for him. Even cook for him lunch & prepare breakfast before leaving for work. I iron his clothes, keep the house clean, and try out new receipes on weekends. He got no sense of appreciation. I even chnge myself for him. Dress up decently, listen to him, respect him alot. I'm sick and tired to salvaging my marriage every time. Myt whole pay check goes to him. I even lost weight & try to look gd for him. So that he'll not have any reason to start back his nonsense again.

Hubby is helping out my uncle on his off days. Whenever he's otw home, he'll inform me. Then if happened to call him at times, I've noticed that he's always on call waiting. When I asked him, he said its his friend. We had fight over this quite a few times. Then I also started noticing, the call duration. It can last up to half & hr. He doen't hang on the phone when he's at home with me & the kids.

When I question him, he said his friend, tat's all. After afew time, I've started noticing that call duration is 2 or 3 secs. I know there's something fishy. I asked him whether he's hanging on the phone with anyone else. Then he started arguing, and said he know I'll nvr change and will suspect him always. He asked whether I took his call details (the outgoing calls made by him?) or what. If not guilty, then y the hell must he be so defensive?

I want to leave him. I did my best and I'm on the verge of leaving him but I'm tied down wit my 2 kids. I don't want to deprive them of father's love. He's always home and no late nite outs. But even without these things he's capable of having affairs since he had done that before.

Sorry for being so long winded... I'm confuse & depress...:(

First:
Sister I think in order to wake up your husband and make him respect you is to spend some time away from him. Either move out with the kids to your parents house or a relative, or tell him to stay with a friend. Because if you continue to let him spend your money and cheat on you and let him stay in your house. He'll just think of you as a doormat and won't respect you. You need to show him you won't take this crap from him. He already knows the routine, he'll cheat. You'll confront him. He'll apologize. You give in. He'll be nice, then go back to the way he was. Don't let him do this too you sis. It's not right.

Second:
Don't have sex with him and get both of you tested for STDs and STIs. His cheating could have done something funky and might have passed it on to you. If he refuses to get tested, then again I think you should leave him. If he truly loves you and values you he will get tested because he might have some messed up STD, STI on him and could have passed it on to you.

Third:
Don't allow him to take your money and push him to get a job. It's his duty to provide for you! Marriage is a teamwork and right now you are a one woman team and he's simply getting all the benefits from you without doing anything. If he was on a sports team I'd trade him in a heartbeat.

Fourth:
I understand with the kids involved it's hard, but if you let him continue to treat you like a doormat and you allow him to do so. Your kids will not benefit from it at all. They might, in return, walk all over you. Kids learn how to behave from their parents and your husband isn't setting a very good example.

Fifth: (Last one :) )
Go speak with the Imam with your husband. Right now you have grounds for divorce, it's up to you whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. If you do, then get some help with your marriage because at the moment you will never trust him. And if there is no trust there will always be heartbreak.

Inshallah everything works out for you! :up:

[Stylish-Girly]

You should confide in someone

[MG]

I disagree with all the posters who are giving the lovey-dovey "do istikhara" approach. You don't need to do istikhara to know that adultery is a major sin in Islam which is punishable by death if confessed to or witnessed. Unless you're not very religious yourself, why would anyone want to be married to someone who conciously indulges in major sins?
If he's really a good father, then he'll still be so even if you're divorced. Have some dignity in yourself sister, get away from his NOW!


aslaam alaikum

i think people are advising the sister to pray isthikhara on whether she should leave him, and for you to dismiss isthikhara like it's a fly in your way, is wrong, this is not such a straightforward case as u seem to think.

You dont know the other side, we only have the sister's side of the story, im not saying she is lying but if she had gone to an imam for example, he would have asked for the husband to be present as well to hear his side, we hear have not heard the husband's side, so lets not make quick judgements on a matter that we know zilch about.

Isthikhaara is recommended in many situations, especially in situations like this, surely u would not tell someone to not seek guidance from Allah swt?


Sister u need to appoint an arbitrator to try and mediate between u, u have put alot of work in this marriage for the sake of your family and divorce is a very big thing,although i can feel ur pain from just reading your post :( appoint someone to mediate between u both and if you still end up leaving at least u know u tried all avenues.

May Allah swt grant u ease, sabr and a happy and blissful marriage very soon and may he Allah swt bless u all with strong imaan. Ameen

[SFYP]

aslaam alaikum
You dont know the other side, we only have the sister's side of the story, im not saying she is lying but if she had gone to an imam for example, he would have asked for the husband to be present as well to hear his side, we hear have not heard the husband's side, so lets not make quick judgements on a matter that we know zilch about.


I agree, but if it is confirmed that he indulges in zina then it is clear what she must do. Her decisions shouldn't based on fear of her husband. If she is serious about this matter she must try to do something about it asap. It's no point trying to show to her husband that everything is ok.

[Pro_Candy]

As said before: contact your ulama for further clarification.

But I wouldnt advise you on a divorce. Whatever sins the man does is on his head, you should practice patience for the sake of yourself, your children and your honour. You need to try and win your husbands heart if he is straying - sometimes it happens that the wife appears in a dishevelled and unkept manner infront of her husband, is rude to him or too informal etc - these things may fill the husbands heart with dislike and turn him away.

Im not saying that thats your situation, Im just saying sometimes it happens that a woman herself does not work to entice her husband. In all honesty sister, men need to be tempted by their wives in general to keep them in line, you need to do that. and hope for the best :)

With all due respect, that is a load of crap. She should not HAVE to practice patience. He should practice kindness and appreciation toward his wife. She should not try to win over her husband's heart if he is straying (she's doing a lot as it is), he should not be straying in the first place.

They are MARRIED. He should expect to see her dishevelled and unkept sometimes. She can't go to bed with her hair done, make-up on, and in her best dress. This is real life, not a fairy tale.

[Raashid]

[QUOTE=Medievalist;2407071]But I wouldnt advise you on a divorce. Whatever sins the man does is on his head, you should practice patience for the sake of yourself, your children and your honour. QUOTE]

Can you explain how someone's honour is maintained by staying with an adulterer?

:scratch:

[Medievalist]

ProCandy/Raashid: its not in me to explain clear advice. if one doesnt understand then thats between them and their intellect :)

[Raashid]

ProCandy/Raashid: its not in me to explain clear advice. if one doesnt understand then thats between them and their intellect :)

That's an oxymoron: advice which isn't understood can't be clear. In other words, you don't know, you just posted to try and sound clever.

[Medievalist]

That's an oxymoron: advice which isn't understood can't be clear. In other words, you don't know, you just posted to try and sound clever.



ok. :)

**roll eyes**

[miss-islamic]

Bro Medevalist has issues with separating what Islam says from his personal and culture misogynist views. May Allah (swt) make it easier for him.

[RashidD]

Does Islam encourage divorce then?

[1 Level]

Does Islam encourage divorce then?



nope but it doesnt encourage you to be treated like this sister has been either and to be carried on treated this way.

[RashidD]

nope but it doesnt encourage you to be treated like this sister has been either and to be carried on treated this way.

I didn't say it did. And neither did Med.

[1 Level]

I didn't say it did. And neither did Med.

I didnt say you did or Med either.

[abood]

:rubeyes: I've been married for 3 yrs, and jus gave birth to my 2nd child 3 mths ago. My hubby have cheated on me before, could say quite a number of times and ask for my forgiveness and promising to change. I too will forgive him and start everything afresh but......After a while, he'll do it again. I did fought with him, argued, and even boycotted, yet there's no full stop.

I always start afresh with him b cos I know he's a very good father. I'm very depressed and I got no one to share my woes to. My family members think that I'm happy with him and he is a good son in law to them.

In fact, as a wife, I try not fail my duties even though I am working. I practically do everything for him. Even cook for him lunch & prepare breakfast before leaving for work. I iron his clothes, keep the house clean, and try out new receipes on weekends. He got no sense of appreciation. I even chnge myself for him. Dress up decently, listen to him, respect him alot. I'm sick and tired to salvaging my marriage every time. Myt whole pay check goes to him. I even lost weight & try to look gd for him. So that he'll not have any reason to start back his nonsense again.

Hubby is helping out my uncle on his off days. Whenever he's otw home, he'll inform me. Then if happened to call him at times, I've noticed that he's always on call waiting. When I asked him, he said its his friend. We had fight over this quite a few times. Then I also started noticing, the call duration. It can last up to half & hr. He doen't hang on the phone when he's at home with me & the kids.

When I question him, he said his friend, tat's all. After afew time, I've started noticing that call duration is 2 or 3 secs. I know there's something fishy. I asked him whether he's hanging on the phone with anyone else. Then he started arguing, and said he know I'll nvr change and will suspect him always. He asked whether I took his call details (the outgoing calls made by him?) or what. If not guilty, then y the hell must he be so defensive?

I want to leave him. I did my best and I'm on the verge of leaving him but I'm tied down wit my 2 kids. I don't want to deprive them of father's love. He's always home and no late nite outs. But even without these things he's capable of having affairs since he had done that before.

Sorry for being so long winded... I'm confuse & depress...:(
assalam alaikum

sister may ALLAH help you with this....

sister you have to be first sure that he is cheating on you and secondly what kind of cheating??????....like is it just cheating or Zinah?......
and if it is zinah then you know the consequence of it...

and sister don't argue with him...but discuss with him in this issue with quitely.....and ask him about truth and tell him about what your feelings is towards him now...talk with him very seriously .....and sister if it is all true and if you wanna give him one more chance then it will be more better for you and your children...
and if you wanna leave him then don't worry about your children....because what ALLAH have written in their destiny it will happen and no 1 can stop it....

every thing will be fine inshaALLAH...and don't think deep about future of your and your children....

may ALLAH make you patience and give you better reward for your patience
amin

take care of you self my sister in islam

wassalam

your sister in islam

[nadzz]

Salam sister,

Is everything ok now, Inshallah and hopefully all ok.

AH

Nad

[afsalim]

But I wouldnt advise you on a divorce. Whatever sins the man does is on his head, you should practice patience for the sake of yourself, your children and your honour.

Ask yourself the same question and you were in her shoes, would you do the same thing? If the situation is reversed, would you put up with a wife who's a serial adulteress?

[Pro_Candy]

ProCandy/Raashid: its not in me to explain clear advice. if one doesnt understand then thats between them and their intellect :)

I believe I explained it to you good enough.

[sis_niqabi]

Ask yourself the same question and you were in her shoes, would you do the same thing? If the situation is reversed, would you put up with a wife who's a serial adulteress?

there is a double standard. if this was a brother asking advice about his cheating wife. everybody would yell "divorce her" without a second thought. but because this is a sister people are saying "don't get divorced, be patient.


back to the topic. ukthi i think you need to advise him again. if he does not change his ways then you have a right to divorce islamically. im not saying you should get one. but i am saying there would be no sin on you if you did get one.

if you were in a shariah run country your husband would be dead for doing a sin like this. adultery is one of the most hated and wicked crimes in Islam. and you need to tell your husband to fear Allah and his punishment. Inshallah your husband will be guided back to the truth.

May Allah repair you marriage. Ameen

[IbnAbdulHakim]

tell him to grow a beard

[afsalim]

tell him to grow a beard

That is a very counterproductive statement. The sister has a genuine problem. If you cannot advice anything productive, refrain yourself from making such comments.

[miss-islamic]

Does Islam encourage divorce then?

I was referring to his comment about her staying with the adulterer for the “sake of her honour.” And how she should be “patient ” and he might be doing the 2nd worst sin Islam that call for his death because she is not doing enough for him (she herself had already explained that she tries her best, include losing weight for him, in OP). Mind you, in another thread about a women cheating on her husband, he was ofcourse singing a different tune (something about killing the “whore”). Med views personify everything that is wrong with Muslim women in the Muslim world. And people wonder why feminism exists. :rolleyes:

[Pippin1376]

But I wouldnt advise you on a divorce. Whatever sins the man does is on his head, you should practice patience for the sake of yourself, your children and your honour.
I'm sure you mean his honour correct? Because her honour will simply go down if she continues to associate with this man.

[binta]

I'm sure you mean his honour correct? Because her honour will simply go down if she continues to associate with this man.

some muslim men believe honour means never being divorced no matter the situation, and if a women is divorced by her husband, for whatever reason, its as a result of her shortcoming. and i guess men like that thank Allah everyday they are not women.

[Pippin1376]

some muslim men believe honour means never being divorced no matter the situation, and if a women is divorced by her husband, for whatever reason, its as a result of her shortcoming. and i guess men like that thank Allah everyday they are not women.

That doesn't make sense though, especially since the Prophet's (SAW) wife Zeinab was divorced from Zaid. To feel like women lose their honour when they divorce is like saying Zeinab lost her honour when she divorced Zaid.

[NightStar]

Aishah i really cannot believe that you're still with this guy. You should leave him immediately if he has truly committed adultery and continues to do so. For him to do such a thing shows how little he appreciates you, [language]. The children are better off away from him; he is a really bad example for them and no child should be raised into that. For the sake of your dignity and self respect, don't put up with this.

I really think you should tell someone in your family that you're close to or a friend you trust. Insha'Allah it will ease the pain that you are undoubtedly feeling right now.

[aishah_28]

Hi! Thanks for all yr replies. I know I got no evidence and it wont take me seconds to get the evidence. But I am afraid what I may find out. I have already asked him several times but he denied it. I really don't noe what exactly he wants. I have even given him permission to marry another one if he wants to provided no more sleeping with me anymore except just provide for the children. Even that he doesn't want.

His family members are useless people. They don't give a damn about us. Once his mother knew and she told me to just ignore and tolerate afterall I'm already married to him, and his sis cld tell that afterall my husband is a man and man can have many women if they want. Such a b****. What I cant tolerate is, his family members knew what kind of person he is yet they kept their bloody mouth shut and got me married to him. Mine is an arranged marriage.

I've decided to win him over and only Allah (SWT) has the will power to change him.

[`asiya]

may Allah assist u amin. if i was u, i would make sure u both go and get tested for H.I.V and sexually transmitted diseases, and dont sleep with him without protection until he has repented to Allah and for sure changed his ways. As hes already admitted to adultery u need to protect yourself, there are diseases out there with no symptoms that can make u sterile or even kill you, if you are going to stay with such a man, then protect yourself and your innocent children.

[aisha2007]

What I don't get is why people think the children are a factor to stay with him. Surley any Muslim wouldn't want their children to have any influence from a major sinner? What kind of example is he for their morality?

Have you witnesses to his infidelity Raashid? You seem very quick to judge.....only Allah knows what is truly happening.

If the sister does not go to a family member or an Imam and her husband IS commiting adultery then by hiding it from the community and family is serving no purpose....that's why he gets away with it and he feels no shame.
Go to your mom sister...or go and talk with the Imam...do you have a sibling you can talk with?
Unless you get this out in the open he will think you have given the green light with your protection of his honour (and if he is commiting adultery, he has no honour)