A Mildly Pessimistic View...

[Arabiyya]

Salaam Aleikum ya Ummah. I've been reading the forum for ages, and only just got the courage to join.

{Big essay to follow. Have some coffee/samosas at the ready..:up:}

My dilemma: So I don't live on an "actual" island surrounded by water. The island I live on is surrounded by..kafirs! Sure, it sounds hilarious, but when you're thinking about marriage: it's pretty depressing.

I'm a university student, nearing the end of my degree and getting on to post-grad. I live in the middle of Canada, and go to University with my younger brother. (We live together.) ..The city where our parents live (5 hours away), and where we grew up, is very small Mashallah. We were one of maybe 5 Muslim families, and everyone knows us, because of my father. I mean that in the best way possible, too. He's HIGHLY respected, and is much of the city's only contact with a Muslim.

My younger brothers were lucky, Alhumdulillah, because all the other families have boys their age to play with. But for whatever reason, I'm the only muhajabi /Muslim girl in the city (except for 3 or 4 little girls, 8 and under). And [here's the bad part] there are no young men over the age of 16. Ackk.

This never used to bother me, because I always assumed that university cities would be teeming with ..uhm.."opportunities". But, yeah. That idea sunk like a lead balloon.

It's not that there aren't Muslim men in my demographic anymore. It's just that they are either too young, only looking to marry in their own race (I'm a biracial milkshake of British and Syrian), more knowledgeable about religion but so arrogant and such hypocrites, or so unreligious I feel sick to my stomach. :spunch:

What ever happened to the new generation of religious praying-fasting-chaste-ambitious-and sociable men? Am I hoping for something that doesn't exist? Somehow I always saw myself getting married at around my age now (maybe a little older, I'm 21)..and having about a dozen equally amazing men to choose from. Now, I see myself taking the one who is the lesser of all evils. :evilb:

I've read advice on where to look..but:

Masjid? The one where my parents live is HOPELESS. My father's the imam. So yeah..cross that one off. The one here? Equally hopeless. There are only little boys..or the university crowd. And let's be honest: Facebook has told me more about these guys than my Imam would ever know about.
Parents' friends? My parents don't have any friends. Not any that can help, anyways.
Back home? I don't "never" see myself living in Syria. I just don't see myself living there 'forever'. I like Canada..and want my children to be able to have the best of both worlds. Plus: we're from a small city..too small. People talk too much, if you ask me. So I'd rather stay out of that.
And my brother? We're polar opposites. I'm really outgoing and have many friends. He's shy and reserved and spends his free time playing games of studying. So..yeah, not entirely helpful. (Not that there's any Muslim guys he would even be friends with..let alone let me MARRY. :()


I was reading an old thread titled "Would YOU marry you?" And I keep thinking about it.. like maybe THAT's my problem. But judging by all the other threads about what is wanted in a wife... I don't think anyone would have major reservations about me. --At least I should HOPE not!:rubeyes:

Patience is key, I know. And prayer and patience are really the only things that can help. ..but, understanding that my parents can't (and WON'T) help me in this, and that no one else can do/say anything for me: I feel like just sitting around is as useful as waiting for a stork to drop off a husband for me. LOL!

You get my drift.

If I was living somewhere where I simply "knew" that when I can say "I'm ready" that the opportunity would be waiting..maybe I wouldn't worry so much. But the idea of being alone, or worse: marrying someone because he's 'okay'..just haunts me.

Plus: I feel like, with every year passing, the chances increase of the Muslim men in our age group to do something regrettable. Be it drink, experiment with drugs, or worse. ...all of which I find to be "dealbreakers" in marriage consideration.

Aaaahhhhhhh!!

Advice? Comments? Relate? Help?!

Jazaak Allahu Khairan.:hidban:

[Cartman]

give people a chance and dont generalize so much.........

[Joha]

You call that mild pessimism sis :rolleyes:?

We know how you feel, it doesn't just happen in small cities in Canada (although it's more likely...too many people speaking French?), but even in big cities.

I know, living in a very very big city. And there's nobody nice around (well there are but...)

Be patient, do some work, spend the time you have doing something constructive (let's face it, when you're married you won't have nearly as much time), do something you enjoy, and Allah (swt) will send a stork over - He never leaves one his true servants alone.

[Arabiyya]

give people a chance and dont generalize so much.........

I'm seriously not generalizing. There are like..15 guys, and I know all of them.:(

It's a little fishbowlish..but you do get to know everyone..:crying2:

Thanks Joha, LOL! I know I knowww..it got a little over the top. Inshallah, my thesis is going to keep me stacked under books. :torture:

[bint]

Nice thread Arabbiyah

But I can't give you any advice here..:|

[zammy]

maybe you need to have a little chat with your daddy..he's an imam after all?

[Arabiyya]

Tru dat. ....we talk all the time! --but it's not like he can materialize someone from space, lol!

[.: Anna :.]

Sis dnt worry insha allah, Allah can provide someone for you from where you don't expect. But have you told ur parents though, so they are aware you are really looking? and you might aswell also get them to ask ur brother, just incase he would know someone.
Keep making dua, Allah will not ignore ur dua :)

[Saudi Prince]

Arabiyyah, you said you're British + Syrian. Well, I can tell you're Syrian from how you write. :)

And why you can't live outside your small city! A Syrian friend of mine got married to a Syrian girl who lived in Canada for her entire life. I have met them both after marriage. They're very happy and live in Syria at the moment. If she wants to see her parents in Canada, it's only a matter of a few hour flight!

[muhammed_1428]

Salaam sis

I think you need to re-consider this 'dealbreaker' criteria - everyone has done things we very much - we all have 'skeletons in our closet' to that regard...

Not that I'm saying otherwise - but open your mind more to the fact that you'll have to look past their past (lol) and more towards their future - what they would be like.

A person's past is a person's past and is now with Allah SWT

[Noor_Usman]

...open your mind more to the fact that you'll have to look past their past (lol) and more towards their future - what they would be like.

A person's past is a person's past and is now with Allah SWT

Asalamalikum.
This is true but I would ask any potential husband to be completely honest about if they are still struggling with something such as drink, drugs or 'other women' because he will need support and there is the possibilty he may lapse from time to time (inshallah he will be strong and all will be fine but you don't want our sister's heart breaking if he does not disclose something like weakness to drink if under pressure and she finds out by smelling it on his breath :( )

People mature and find a closeness to religion they never knew about before so I agree past actions should not really be brought up - although I would definately consider asking the above and also if they have any criminal convictions and then this would be enough and the other questions would be about their deen, interests and plans for the future :up:

Just keep faith sister and you will find someone. There are Muslim websites (many topics on them can be found in other sections) but you run the same risks. You still need to get a wali to meet them in person and 'vet them' for you and the above questions will still be vaild. I certainly wouldn't advise an engament or marriage to anyone this way (or to anyone who is not known to your family for that matter!) without your Wali meeting them in person first. :)

[neelu]

Isn't there a way in which you or your family can make contact with people in other parts of Canada who'd know about other Muslims. Scarborough has a lot of Muslims right? Bear in mind even converts normally get married and most of them don't have any Muslim family members to rely on so there are ways and means inshallah (I just don't know what those ways and means are otherwise I'd be hitched by now myself:p).

Edit: please don't read too many marriage threads on here otherwise you'll go from 'mildly pessimistic' to severely pessimistic:p

[Riceball]

I totally understand what you are going through, because I am very similar.

1- I am a *milkshake* too, but of two very different arabic countries. And this mix caused me a great deal of distress.

2- My masjid is useless, and all the girls in my uni are atheists. lol

3- My parents have no friends too. *because of the mix*

4- Not sure about living back home, because I have no such thing as back home.

5- My brother is shy... WAY too shy. lol

But I do truely feel it for you, because you are a female, and I will pray for you.

We live in a sea of fitnah, so finding a pious man/woman is not easy. Simply because pious men wont mix with women, hence you cant find them. and pious women wont mix with men, hence we cant find them.

But my personal advice to you, reconsider Syria!

[Arabiyya]

Arabiyyah, you said you're British + Syrian. Well, I can tell you're Syrian from how you write. :)

And why you can't live outside your small city! A Syrian friend of mine got married to a Syrian girl who lived in Canada for her entire life. I have met them both after marriage. They're very happy and live in Syria at the moment. If she wants to see her parents in Canada, it's only a matter of a few hour flight!

You can tell I'm Syrian by how I WRITE!??! Aaahhhh! lol! I don't speak Arabic fluently, I was born in England (but kicked the accent), and I've spent a few years graphically studying Shakespeare and such.. That's awesome! Syrian must be in my VEINS!! ;)

I'm not opposed to it.. it's just that opportunities run far and few. Plus: I want to work. And I don't think I'd be able to work as a Psychologist in Syria without a few years of proper Arabic training. :x

---

On a sidenote: life is funny. :rolleyes:

[GuCcI]

do you live in the prairies??? :scratch:

[Arabiyya]

Yeahha...prairies fo' sho.

"Desert of Snow" is about accurate, lol!

And when I say "prairies" I mean like "Little House on the Prairies". Think: somewhere between Banff and Winnipeg.

bahaha... egh. I like it here, though. I'll be honest.

Are you>??

[Syrian714]

Salaam sis... I dunno, I'm your age and thinking the same thoughts right now so I don't really have any advice to give you. :( If you ever want to vent back and forth with someone you can PM me though; we can be bitter pessimistic single muslimahs together. :up:

[`asiya]

maybe you need to have a little chat with your daddy..he's an imam after all?

yep speak to your dad sister u cant get married without the permission of your father anyway he is your walli, so u are going to have to pluck up the courage and speak to your father, if he is the imam then he has good knowledge of islam insha Allah :up:

[afrasayab]

do you live in the prairies??? :scratch:
Little Masque on the prairies? That is the first thing I thought of. Well to make you feel better (or not) I live in a big city full of muslims (toronto) and I feel the same. I guess it doesn't matter where you live, sometime you can be alone among so many ppl. Sometimes the crowd makes you feel lonely. Ok, enough of the depressing lonely stuff...

Maybe give ppl a chance, what I find as one of the problem is that ppl r unwilling to give other ppl a chance. They just quickly makeup their mind and are unwilling to even listen to others... u know it takes sometime for some ppl to open up.

There are alot of ppl in this boat, including me and you.... just pray and ask Allah to make it easy for you...

I complain, I feel sad sometimes, stressed, angry, hopeless, but after all I return to Allah, and I say 'see I always comeback to you, so help me!' There is no hiding, and there is no pretending, we all go through this.... Inshallah you will find someone good for this life and the next. Ameen

[afrasayab]

we can be bitter pessimistic single muslimahs together. :up:
lol, you guys can probably form a big group. Anyways, shouldn't be bitter and pessimistic... Inshallah tomarrow will be better.

[GuCcI]

Yeahha...prairies fo' sho.

"Desert of Snow" is about accurate, lol!

And when I say "prairies" I mean like "Little House on the Prairies". Think: somewhere between Banff and Winnipeg.

bahaha... egh. I like it here, though. I'll be honest.

Are you>??

lol no, a city in ontario but not snobby toronto :p

[Raashid]

I'd prefer to call you realistic rather then pessimistic. There probably aren't many people who fit into our ideal partner category anyway. You can decide whether to settle for what you can get, which you may or may not be happy with, or decide you'd rather be alone then live a charade. Also, there's nothing written in stone that every person gets married. Some people don't, that's a fact of life.

[Syrian714]

lol, you guys can probably form a big group. Anyways, shouldn't be bitter and pessimistic... Inshallah tomarrow will be better.

Yeah you're right, about not being bitter and pessimistic. It's amusing to joke about but really that's not a good outlook to have on ANYTHING in life because it'll shine through into your personality and prospective husbands will see that.

I can see it now... The brother watches as a group of us walk by... "Oh, there goes that bunch of sisters who always look so angry all the time, what's up with that?!"

[afrasayab]

Yeah you're right, about not being bitter and pessimistic. It's amusing to joke about but really that's not a good outlook to have on ANYTHING in life because it'll shine through into your personality and prospective husbands will see that.

I can see it now... The brother watches as a group of us walk by... "Oh, there goes that bunch of sisters who always look so angry all the time, what's up with that?!"
lol, maybe that is why they are afraid to approach? ya never know!