So I went to this Matrimonial thing!

[afrasayab]

Yup, one of my friends who is also looking to get married dragged me with him. At first I was kind of hesitant but then realized this is prob the only islamic way I might find some decent girl.

First thing that struck me was the awkward format of the event. This big room was divided into two parts, and seperated by a line of tables. On one site were the men seated on couple of round tables and on the the other side women seated the same way. Pretty healthy turn out prob 35-45 men and similar # of women. Basically no interaction between men and women what so ever. One parent on the men side even got up and complained that how is his son or daughter suppose to find a suitable match when they can't even talk to a potenial spouse in an islamic way under supervision.

Me and my friend (late 20's) were prob the youngest in the crowd on the men side. Most of them were in their 30's and 40's. Overall it was a sad gathering, I saw alot of sad faces, maybe it was just me but that is how i felt. The irony of this gathering was that you could hardly see any women let alot talk to them.

First there as a speach by this dude, a very good speaker indeed, and then were were told to register for the program and that they will mach us with someone according to what we write in our profile. Match making pure desi style! Out of everyone my friend got up and complained that this format is not working and instead of giving oppertunities it is rather restrictive.

Anyways, over all a very sad and disappointing exepreince. Last thing it seemed that most of the ppl were divorce, widowed, low income, fresh of boat or not so attractive. Nothing wrong with this but just to show you that it is not working.

This experince instead of giving me hope, put me off, one scary thing that I realize was that I might ever find the person I am looking for.... there were ppl there in their 30's, 40's, and even 50's, they haven't.... I may not either.

[zammy]

you'll get married to the person Allah destined for you to marry at the time he destined for you to marry them. I know it seems kind of a long wait at the moment but when your time comes it will feel right and you'll be content insha'Allah.

[Kal-El]

It sounds like a frustrating format indeed. What was the point of going there if you not meet anyone (in an Islamic environment)? Just to listen to a speech? If they were Walli's there, honestly, I'd speak out and just tell everyone to speak to one of them about discussing marriage, ignore the organisers and they're format. Lol organise something different your own.

Sad picture you painted there. There are so many unmarried brothers and sisters these days, it's very worrying

[Riceball]

This experince instead of giving me hope, put me off,

I know exactly how you feel brother, same boat! :o

one scary thing that I realize was that I might ever find the person I am looking for.... there were ppl there in their 30's, 40's, and even 50's, they haven't.... I may not either

Be a strong warrior, that what makes us men 'real men'. It is usually females that cannot live without romance. :up:

In surat al-baqarah *cant remember the verse number*, allah said *my own translation from arabic* 'you might hate something that is bliss for you, and you might love/like something that will cause you misery, and allah knows and you *mankind* do not know'.

:lailah:

[zammy]

It is usually females that cannot live without romance. :up:


I'm sure we can breathe just fine without it. :rolleyes:

[Riceball]

I'm sure we can breathe just fine without it. :rolleyes:

Ofcourse you can :o. The problem starts when females hit the 25+ boundary with no husband is when the alarm bells start ringing.

[Kal-El]

Ofcourse you can :o. The problem starts when females hit the 25+ boundary with no husband is when the alarm bells start ringing.

It starts ringing for brothers at around 18 :rotfl:

[Riceball]

It starts ringing for brothers at around 18 :rotfl:

LOL - yeah I know. I think it is because of the explosion of feminism in the western world, that taught little boys that being feminin is good and all. :(

Alhamdu-lilah, I am not one of them, and my children will be real men and women, nothing in between! insha-allah. :D

[GuCcI]

This experince instead of giving me hope, put me off, one scary thing that I realize was that I might ever find the person I am looking for.... there were ppl there in their 30's, 40's, and even 50's, they haven't.... I may not either.

wow thats sad :( but dont feel bad.... do the aunties out there know that ur looking, maybe they can help :o

[neelu]

I know one woman in London who was separated from her husband cos' he physically assaulted her a few times and she finally decided she wouldn't put up with it anymore. Around that time, her estranged husband used to call her begging her to return to him saying that he'd change and he really wanted to work things out.

One of this woman's friends went to a Muslim marriage event but there was more freemixing there as the men and women turned up without their elders/walis so they were able to talk to each other more freely. Guess who this friend saw at the event? The London woman's husband:rubeyes: Indeed, while he was calling his wife begging her to return and resolve things; he was at a matrimonial event telling other women that his marriage was over and he was looking to make a fresh start:torture: Needless to say they got divorced soon after.

Edit: my sister had been to one or two matrimonial events in the past but like you, she found them quite sad and off putting as well.

[afrasayab]

It sounds like a frustrating format indeed. What was the point of going there if you not meet anyone (in an Islamic environment)? Just to listen to a speech? If they were Walli's there, honestly, I'd speak out and just tell everyone to speak to one of them about discussing marriage, ignore the organisers and they're format. Lol organise something different your own.

Sad picture you painted there. There are so many unmarried brothers and sisters these days, it's very worrying


Yes, basically listen to a speach and register for their program (pay $20) so they can call you for an interview and try to match you up. I especially feeel sorry for the girls, coz it probably takes much more effort for them to show up for such a thing. I spoke up and there were some other dudes who spoke up too and showed their frustration.

you'll get married to the person Allah destined for you to marry at the time he destined for you to marry them. I know it seems kind of a long wait at the moment but when your time comes it will feel right and you'll be content insha'Allah.

Thanks for the encouraging words, the 'content' part is the one that worries me, coz I don't just want to get married to anyone.

I know exactly how you feel brother, same boat! :o



Be a strong warrior, that what makes us men 'real men'. It is usually females that cannot live without romance. :up:

In surat al-baqarah *cant remember the verse number*, allah said *my own translation from arabic* 'you might hate something that is bliss for you, and you might love/like something that will cause you misery, and allah knows and you *mankind* do not know'.

:lailah:
Mashallah good words, it is not about being a 'real men' and pretending to not need someone in your life, it is about life and the hereafter. If you don't get married, you'll prob fall into sin, be unhappy, ungrateful, resentful, and just hopeless, all these things can lead to messingup the hereafter.

wow thats sad :( but dont feel bad.... do the aunties out there know that ur looking, maybe they can help :o
To be honest the pool to choose from is not very desireable. I hate to say this but it is extremly hard to find a "decent" (my defination) girl from within my culture, and outside of it i don't have much interaction nor does my family. The main reason I am single is because I don't approach girls, I don't go upto them and talk bs, nor give them a smile, wink wink, or show bling bling. I am a quite, decent, and perhaps a shy person, and this is working against me. Ofcourse there is alot of social and family pressure, because ppl usually don't understand/beleive that I can't find a girl to marry, and not to brag but i find it odd too, coz with my profile i shouldn't have any problem.
I know one woman in London who was separated from her husband cos' he physically assaulted her a few times and she finally decided she wouldn't put up with it anymore. Around that time, her estranged husband used to call her begging her to return to him saying that he'd change and he really wanted to work things out.

One of this woman's friends went to a Muslim marriage event but there was more freemixing there as the men and women turned up without their elders/walis so they were able to talk to each other more freely. Guess who this friend saw at the event? The London woman's husband:rubeyes: Indeed, while he was calling his wife begging her to return and resolve things; he was at a matrimonial event telling other women that his marriage was over and he was looking to make a fresh start:torture: Needless to say they got divorced soon after.

Edit: my sister had been to one or two matrimonial events in the past but like you, she found them quite sad and off putting as well.
wow, i guess buyer beware!

[GuCcI]

To be honest the pool to choose from is not very desireable. I hate to say this but it is extremly hard to find a "decent" (my defination) girl from within my culture, and outside of it i don't have much interaction nor does my family. The main reason I am single is because I don't approach girls, I don't go upto them and talk bs, nor give them a smile, wink wink, or show bling bling. I am a quite, decent, and perhaps a shy person, and this is working against me. Ofcourse there is alot of social and family pressure, because ppl usually don't understand/beleive that I can't find a girl to marry, and not to brag but i find it odd too, coz with my profile i shouldn't have any problem.


hmm i dono wat to tell you. i know a ton of nice bangali girls. i know a bunch of who are practicing at the 'marriageable age'... the whole package... but theyre only looking to get married to other bangali guys.... soo uhh cant do much for u there... :scratch:

[Kal-El]

Not everyone is destined to get married

[GuCcI]

Not everyone is destined to get married


thats true but just hard to accept :o

[the_middle_road]

In surat al-baqarah *cant remember the verse number*, allah said *my own translation from arabic* 'you might hate something that is bliss for you, and you might love/like something that will cause you misery, and allah knows and you *mankind* do not know'.

:lailah:

كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الْقِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرْهٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ
لا تَعْلَمُونَ

Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.
(2: 216)

[afrasayab]

Not everyone is destined to get married

ya, that is encouraging, akuna matata

[afrasayab]

hmm i dono wat to tell you. i know a ton of nice bangali girls. i know a bunch of who are practicing at the 'marriageable age'... the whole package... but theyre only looking to get married to other bangali guys.... soo uhh cant do much for u there... :scratch:
thank you sis, it is the thought that counts. Btw I am not far of, think before 1971!

[Sabz42]

so it was sort of like speed dating but with the parents lol

[GuCcI]

thank you sis, it is the thought that counts. Btw I am not far of, think before 1971!

sorry, i dont follow :p

gucci's a little slow :o

[ImaanSeeker]

People must be real desperate to go to these sorts of events to get married.

[Phoenix CG]

People must be real desperate to go to these sorts of events to get married.

thats a lil harsh i felt sad when i read what he wrote, 30-40 yeaar olds n they all looked upset, doesn't that make u feel sad! poor people :(

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams

thats a lil harsh i felt sad when i read what he wrote, 30-40 yeaar olds n they all looked upset, doesn't that make u feel sad! poor people :(

:sub: so true, i felt kind of weepy because i don't know it just seems we're not doing our bit and people who should have an Ummah to rely on them are fending for themselves :crying: Swear By Allah, that is heart breakingly sad.

:wswrwb:

[ImaanSeeker]

thats a lil harsh i felt sad when i read what he wrote, 30-40 yeaar olds n they all looked upset, doesn't that make u feel sad! poor people :(

yeah, I meant it in a sad way as well. Why is it that so many are left unmarried so late in life?

[carol_au]

yeah, I meant it in a sad way as well. Why is it that so many are left unmarried so late in life?

Maybe they have been married.. Some may be widowed... for others divorce happens for many reasons.. maybe they are looking for another husband or wife?

Their presence there doesn't mean they have never married. Im sure there would have been lots of reasons for the wide range of ages, besides not ever having married.. don't you agree?

[ImaanSeeker]

Maybe they have been married.. Some may be widowed... for others divorce happens for many reasons.. maybe they are looking for another husband or wife?

Their presence there doesn't mean they have never married. Im sure there would have been lots of reasons for the wide range of ages, besides not married.. don't you agree?

Hmm, that's true. But for some reason I get the feeling, that many find it tougher to get married nowadays, hence the high population of unmarried muslims?

[carol_au]

Hmm, that's true. But for some reason I get the feeling, that many find it tougher to get married nowadays, hence the high population of unmarried muslims?

Yes.. i"m sure that is true too.. especially amongst the younger brothers and sisters.. so I wonder if it is a case that if it is a problem now.. that it will only get bigger as this generation move into their 30's and 40's?

I guess we have two problems here.. younger brothers are needing to study longer, and work longer to raise the money for the ever increasing mahr.. which is such a shame..

Sisters are wanting to study and work before they marry.. so they are postponing marriage

Culturally.. parents prefer their children to marry within their cultural group so often very good brothers are rejected by families so that a brother from the same cultural group can be chosen.

Divorce rates in the community are very high. Many sisters are in their 30's and may already have had one or two marriages.

and.. where are the practicing older brothers for the practicing older sisters?

Most brothers who are 40+ seem very culturally orientated.. so a practicing sister who wants to marry a practicing brother is going to find it difficult unless she gets some help.

I am sure also that a practicing brother in that age group will have children as well. and finding a practicing sister willing to take on the care of children is increasingly difficult..

there are no easy answers .. subhanAllah

[afrasayab]

sorry, i dont follow :p

gucci's a little slow :o
lol, that ok... before 1971 bangla and pak were one country. Now they are two different countries, still the same sh*t though...

Oh ya once i went to a bangali wedding it was one of my best friend's sisters wedding. Once the nekha was done everyone gotup and started dancing, guys n girls mix plus the groom n the bride, needless to say i felt uncomfortable and made an excuse and left.

[`asiya]

:start:

:salams



:sub: so true, i felt kind of weepy because i don't know it just seems we're not doing our bit and people who should have an Ummah to rely on them are fending for themselves :crying: Swear By Allah, that is heart breakingly sad.

:wswrwb:

:wswrwb: i think the imams of the communities have a lot to answer for, i know of a couple of really good imams in america, who really support their communities, they help the sisters and find suitable husbands for them i know one sister in her late 50`s who got married through the imam making a match for her. One of those imams has 4 wives himself and more than 25 children including two sets of twins, and he travels doing dawa and still he finds time to help his community may Allah ta ala reward all such men amin.

If i went to my imam and told him i want to get married he was wondering why i was telling him that, and whats it got to do with him he doesnt consider helping an unmarried woman to marry as part of his duty, and he would not assist me in any way, and certainly would not help me to find a husband in the community.

i have been told enough times when mentioning marriage to any member of my community to " find a revert husband its better for u " yea well helllloo no revert men here, and no man that we know of has ever reverted here.. and as i cant travel without a mahram then im not going to be able to go anywhere else to rectify my situation. fact is nationalism ageism, divorcee-ism racial prejudice, culturalisim, and pure snobbery are rife in our communities as the muslims move closer to the dunya and further away from their deen.

[Asmara]

:
and as i cant travel without a mahram then im not going to be able to go anywhere else to rectify my situation.

What about your sons?

[Zesty]

What was the point of it if you couldnt actually speak to any potentials even though your mehrams/wali were present? :scratch:

Its frustrating for many i guess and it really makes those of us who have found someone appreciate what a blessing it is from Allah (swt). I just say dont lose hope.. inshaAllah if and when it is written for you- it will happen, sometimes in ways you least expect :)

[Kal-El]

ya, that is encouraging, akuna matata

Hakuna Matata!

People must be real desperate to go to these sorts of events to get married.

thats a lil harsh i felt sad when i read what he wrote, 30-40 yeaar olds n they all looked upset, doesn't that make u feel sad! poor people :(

:start:

:salams



:sub: so true, i felt kind of weepy because i don't know it just seems we're not doing our bit and people who should have an Ummah to rely on them are fending for themselves :crying: Swear By Allah, that is heart breakingly sad.

:wswrwb:

yeah, I meant it in a sad way as well. Why is it that so many are left unmarried so late in life?

Some people think its their right to be married, like it's another phase in life. Oh, I hit puberty. Oh, I graduated from College. Oh, I've performed Hajj. Next I get married. Then I have children. Then I die.

Some are destined to be married, and unhappy. Some will have wonderful marriages, and some won't even get married - and in that group, some will deal with it better than others.

What can I say; people get lonely and don't want to grow old alone.

[Zesty]

Reminds me of something a friend of mine used to say: "None of us deserve happiness by default." :o

[Kal-El]

Your friend probably learnt that proverb from me lol

[Zesty]

Your friend probably learnt that proverb from me lol

He's a few years older than you i think :p

[nadzz]

Salam we don't have any Matrimonial gathering like this in Melbourne,may be some other cities.

But Inshallah and hopefully there is one soon

AH