Pregnancy despite financial instability? Advice please...

[Emani]

A muslim friend informed my husband and I that it is not good for us to postpone pregnancy due to financial instability. He stated that Allah will provide for us financially, and the more kids you have, the better for you, and you will always have enough. Is this good advice, and is it true that in Islam, you are supposed to have kids, no matter what your financial situation? I grew up in a low-income area and my family definetly struggled financially with all of us, but I feel that my childhood was better because of it (we didn't have all the brand-new toys or clothes, but we were happy with the borrowed ones we did have) and I feel I am a better person because of it. However, my parents have told me that it is too hard to raise kids when you don't have enough money; it can be very stressful and the kids can suffer.

My husband and I got married in June of this year, and we are in our mid-twenties. He believes it is important for us to have children now while we are still young and our parents are still around. I am nervous to have kids now because we do not have insurance and also because I just lost my job. However, we do have a steady source of income from his job, even though it's not much. I fear that I am only finding excuses and that even if we did have insurance and nice jobs, then I would still be scared because I am just nervous to have kids! Does anyone have any Islamic knowledge about this issue, and/or does anyone have any advice, support, or thoughts about this?

[.: Anna :.]

well about kids, allah told us in quran "we will provide for them, and for u" and another place "we will provide for u and for them", so those are promises :)

[Medievalist]

Sister dont worry about the income. ALLAH Ta'ala has already written the food and nourishment for your kid/kids before they even enter this world. Infact its not allowed to refrain from having children out of fear of finances. :)

Im in my early 20s and so is she. and neither of us work, Im a FT student but alhamdulillah we should have a kid in a few months time, inshaALLAH. I dont worry about how Im gonna feed him/her cos in the end its ALLAH Ta'ala who feeds. Before it was tight feeding and clothing and accommodating myself, then I got married and subhanALLAH I've got more money after being married than I had before when I was single. Im a firm believer that after my kid inshaALLAH is born I'll have more financial freedom - it doesnt make logical sense but ALLAH Ta'ala is the one who provides (thats logical just the bit about having MORE money after marriage/kids is illogical)

:D

[Al-Nasser]

you should meet my brother Hisham......my grandfather taunt my father with him "remember how disappointed you were when you know that you were going to have another child?"

my father was really disappointed.......but now Hisham is a source of pride for our family.......he is faaaaaar better than me and i have to admit that without shame

i was born in a very comfortable conditions......everyone was happy :D.......less than 16 years later i became a living hell for the whole family.....i was the worst and made my parents suffer a lot....

as for Hisham who was frowned upon before he was even born......he is just so flawless....born in Mecca....very sporty....tall and muscular....speak three languages.....have a great sense of humor...PRACTICING Muslim (he make me feel like i am half Jewish half Christian)...his graduation project was about rockets (which make him a rocket scientist ;))....work in one of the biggest business firms in Egypt and he had Spanish women proposing to him :torture:

i am not jealous......i am very jealous.....in a good way of course

[ummbilal]

well about kids, allah told us in quran "we will provide for them, and for u" and another place "we will provide for u and for them", so those are promises :)

this is indeed true and for each of my children Allah has given us another blessing both in the child and financially , one child we had nothing i mean not one thing for the baby and Allah provided all through means we could never have guessed, I didnt buy that baby even a pair of socks until he was 1 year old as the rest of the stuff i was given and Allahu alam,

you can practise contraception all you want but when Allah says be it will be and you will have a baby inshaallah.:inlove:

[Cristiana]

My husband and I got married in March 2007, and our first baby is due in March 2008. We aren't earning anywhere near making rent every month (family are helping us, as we are still students although we are in our late twenties) but this baby is the greatest gift from Allah and yes, he says "I'll provide for you and for them (= your children)".

My parents (who aren't muslims) said that - although now they are thrilled with the baby coming - in their opinion we have been irresponsible in our timing. But this is their opinion :)

My husband is the first of 7 children and in his family only his dad worked (and not a particularly high paid job either) but alhamdulillah they have never found themselves in need :)

Sometimes it's scary because maybe we can't fully put our trust in Allah, so may He make it easier for all of us to completely put our trust in Him, who is the Provider :up:

[Arrakis]

I would say it depends what country you live in, the uk is pretty good at helping out families who have low income.

[neelu]

Do dua istikhara. You don't have kids at the moment and that could be because you have an opportunity to finish studies or work to prepare for bringing a child into the world... on the other hand, you never know how long this door will be open during which you'd be able to have children. I think whatever you decide to do, when you do eventually decide to have kids, try as much as possible to arrange things so that they have a parent at home (the current culture of two working parents with a baby in day care is something I find rather disturbing).

[dhakiyya]

Allah provides mashaAllah. Last year in England we really struggled financially... yes it was stressful, especially as we had problems with the central heating and had to put our baby to bed in an unheated room at winter under a large pile of blankets (alhamdulillah we had many blankets!!) but Allah provides help in the most unlikely ways mashaAllah

one day I was feeling sad because our daughter was now crawling but didn't have any toys for crawling babies, just her baby gym stuff, and we had no money.... then I found this debanhams gift card that my brother gave me ages before but I had forgotten about..... and I remembered there was a toy department in Debenhams..... so my husband and I went to debenhams to buy some toys..... the gift card was worth 30 quid, so we selected 30 quids worth of toys, then when we got to the check out, turned out there was a sale on mashaAllah so the toys only came to 25 quid and we could buy another toy and had money left over to buy a coffee in the debenhams coffee shop. Whilst we were drinking the coffee, this old lady who I sometimes chatted to on the bus came and said hello, cooed at Ruqayya for a bit, then went away and came back with a toy she bought for Ruqayya mashaAllah!!

so you see..........mashaAllah Alhamdulillah Allah is most merciful Allah is our Provider mashaAllah!

And now Alhamdulillah we no longer have financial problems here in Saudi mashaAllah, my husband has a good job and the cost of living is much cheaper mashaAllah.

[ummbilal]

Allah provides mashaAllah. Last year in England we really struggled financially... yes it was stressful, especially as we had problems with the central heating and had to put our baby to bed in an unheated room at winter under a large pile of blankets (alhamdulillah we had many blankets!!) but Allah provides help in the most unlikely ways mashaAllah

one day I was feeling sad because our daughter was now crawling but didn't have any toys for crawling babies, just her baby gym stuff, and we had no money.... then I found this debanhams gift card that my brother gave me ages before but I had forgotten about..... and I remembered there was a toy department in Debenhams..... so my husband and I went to debenhams to buy some toys..... the gift card was worth 30 quid, so we selected 30 quids worth of toys, then when we got to the check out, turned out there was a sale on mashaAllah so the toys only came to 25 quid and we could buy another toy and had money left over to buy a coffee in the debenhams coffee shop. Whilst we were drinking the coffee, this old lady who I sometimes chatted to on the bus came and said hello, cooed at Ruqayya for a bit, then went away and came back with a toy she bought for Ruqayya mashaAllah!!

so you see..........mashaAllah Alhamdulillah Allah is most merciful Allah is our Provider mashaAllah!

And now Alhamdulillah we no longer have financial problems here in Saudi mashaAllah, my husband has a good job and the cost of living is much cheaper mashaAllah.

Allhumdulilah!!

Indeed Allah provides in ways you could never imagine.

[Noor_Usman]

Asalmalikum.

I had a muslim friend who used to tell me that me and my husband 'couldn't afford to have kids' and used to say how it was such a good thing that we never have given how much we move around and struggle, and it really strained our relationship because I knew this was against what Islam teaches :(
However she must have realised or just had a change of heart because about 6months later when the conversation about babies came up I sighed and said I was just waiting because we couldn't have one right now (she knows I've been baby and family mad for the last 3 years) and she turned around sand said "why not? Have one if you want" and I was so pleased to hear this from her mashallah :inlove:

Ultimately it's up to Allah when you have kids....2 of my friends have become pregnant despite using 2 different types of contraception :rolleyes: And likewise me and my husband have tried for a while with no results, as have other people I have spoken to :rolleyes: (and no, there's no medical issues)

Children are a blessing in Islam not a burden - whether you were expecting them or not :up:

[Pro_Candy]

Allah provides, yes. InshaAllah if you have a child, no one will go hungry. But be sure this is the right time for you to have children. Allah provides, and Allah has given us our own minds to decide what is right for us, and when.

[Emani]

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I go to the library to try to find books about these decisions, but I just get freaked out because all of them either focus on help with some specific problem (which only makes me then worry that I will someday face that problem) or else they lay it out like you have all the financial resources you need, and that it's all just perfectly perfect. Another book that i picked up talked about making the decision to have kids, but I am scared to read that, too, cause I feel it will only make me fret some more. I think I want to have kids right now but I am just not really that sure. I think it will be good, but maybe I'm just really scared? I feel like I want to have a "kid," but I'm afraid to have a "baby" - if that makes any sense. I feel like I can handle kids because I have some experience, but with babies, I have no experience whatsoever and I think to myself, "how can I become a mother when I don't know the first thing about babies?" I know my parents are going to say that I am being irresponsible (whenever I bring up the topic to my mom, she only says for me to wait.) My husband tells me to stop listening to everyone else, and he said that it's better to have kids early because then you won't be old while you are raising them, and you're better able to have more energy to deal with them (play with them, be patient with them, etc.) and also to work while you raise them. He says that Allah wants us to have kids, that kids are a blessing, and that I should stop listening to what everyone else says about it. He says that marriage and sex is not supposed to be just simply for pleasure, but for having kids and raising good Muslims.

I am praying that Allah helps solve this for me: if it is right for us to wait, then I pray that Allah will keep me from getting pregnant until the time is right, and if it is better for us to have kids now, then Allah will help me to get pregnant easily. Is it true that using contraception is wrong? If so, then I guess at least I am doing one thing better, which is to stop using contraception.

I worry too much over things that only Allah controls. It is a big issue of mine that I don't rely on Allah as I am supposed to. I am still learning to be a better Muslim. I don't know very many Muslims, and I dont' talk to too many people in general, so if I need help during these years I would like to turn to this website for help with parenting islamically. Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice...

[dhakiyya]

You say you're in your mid twenties.... I would advise not to delay any more. The best age physically to have babies is late teens/early twenties. Allah knows best of course but on average if you leave it until you are 30 your fertility would have declined somewhat so you'll take longer trying before you concieve and your risk of complications increases. If you wait until you are 35 the same applies but even more so, plus the risk of the baby having downs syndrome increases. The quality of a womans eggs declines through her fertile years. Really its better to start having babies early on provided you are married as marriage gives you the emotional stability - raising a child is a two person job, and its best to have the extended family nearby for extra support, plus your mum and mum in law are excellent sources of information and wisdom on raising kids mashaAllah. Even if they live a long way away you'll find you'll phone them up for advice lol inshaAllah.

If you are married you can't be in that bad a financial position, as you say you still have your husbands steady income mashaAllah. Even if you are quite poor, he'll still be working to provide for the two of you inshaAllah. You don't need lots of new things, you can get second hand baby stuff very very easily mashaAllah. (all childrens car seats must be bought new for safety reasons though) You'll probably find you get a fair bit hoisted onto you without asking lol... cause I did! Its like there's a baby grapevine and someone hears that someone else just had a baby the same gender as theirs so they can go and hoist all the stuff their baby has grown out of onto the unsuspecting new parent lol :p - you get a lot of good stuff that way mashaAllah so hooray for the baby grapevine :p

Plus friends and relatives will want to buy stuff for the baby mashaAllah. If you breastfeed then you don't need to buy the baby any food for the first six months, if you have a washing machine and somewhere to dry clothes you can use reusable nappies which are cheaper (or maybe in your area the council runs a nappy laundering service which in most cases is cheaper than using disposables and you don't need to wash and dry them yourself, or go to the shops to get them either)

As for knowing how to look after babies..... so many women even those in their thirties or forties having their first baby say the same thing.... however, once you learn how to change a nappy and bath the baby, and how to breastfeed correctly (which comes completely naturally to some women and their babies, whilst other babies refuse to latch on so mum and baby need lots of help and advice) ....... really its not rocket science. The hard bit is keeping on going when baby is screaming for the eighth time in the middle of the night and you've had 15 minutes of sleep all night. (thats when a breast pump and a husband come in handy lol :p) The midwives in the hospital can teach you how to change a nappy and bath the baby, and the ones trained in breastfeeding can help you overcome initial difficulties with that too inshaAllah. If you do decide to breastfeed though, its a very good idea to read up extensively first inshaAllah because if the midwives are overstaffed or there are no breastfeeding trained ones available they may not be able to help.

As for your parents.... they'll be suprised at first, maybe even offer you concerned advice about financial stability and so on.... then they'll be over the moon about being grandparents that they'll completely forget about practical issues inshaAllah. Plus they'll want to buy stuff for you, and offer you lots of advice mashaAllah.