Should I marry when there is no attraction?

[Deen123]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

[elji]

There has to be some sort of attraction. I know its all personality and this and that.. but you cant deny that physical appearance plays a somewhat role in marriage whether it be minor.

[angel*]

After nikkah iv heard that Allah swt creates a bond between the 2 ppl, well sumthing like that..........i think :scratch:

[elji]

After nikkah iv heard that Allah swt creates a bond between the 2 ppl, well sumthing like that..........i think :scratch:

yeah ultimately it is Allah who places love in the hearts and binds them together. So i guess my previous post was a pile of crap lol

[bint]

i don't think that matters really.

people marry and love after.

it depends what you want as a person no?

how would you spend times with a guy/girl if ure not attracted to them?

but then again love and attraction happens after marriage.

it really depends. I wouldn't get married to a guy I was not attracted to.

[the_middle_road]

Love is not the same as attraction. I feel that there has to be at least some measure of physical attraction between the two before they get married. Why else did the Prophet (saw) order the Sahabi (ra) who had gotten married without looking at his wife to first look at her, if not to ascertain that he would find her attractive?

But as to falling in love, that can wait till after the marriage.

[GuCcI]

u have to be at least a LITTLE attracted. if u dont feel attracted AT ALL then i think its better not to marry that person cuz u just may end up dissapointed later.

[ummbilal]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

no

[ummbilal]

There has to be some sort of attraction. I know its all personality and this and that.. but you cant deny that physical appearance plays a somewhat role in marriage whether it be minor.

physical attraction plays a major part in a sucessful marriage and noone should marry someone they dont feel attraction to.

[Nasibah]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

:masha: its true that one should marry for deen, however, attraction between the spouse in paramount. You don't want to get married and then get divorced simply because you can't handle it anymore.

But, If you know yourself and you know that physical attraction does not that much matter to you, then proceed. At times, people fall in love with the character of the individual rather then their physique. Plus, the real love comes later in life, thats my opinion but :allah: knows best.

[MG]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

that and deen are two things that i would defo inshallah NOT comprimise on, no way, gotta have attraction in my opinion.

[Suliman]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

Quite simply. No

[MFT]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

No.

You can't do them justice if you are not physically attracted to them and you spend your life looking at other women who you wished she might look like, maybe eventually divorcing when times get tough and you desire a change.

[abuzayd]

The prophet said something like "... someone when you look at her pleases you"

I guess that refers to you being attracted in her.

[Suliman]

The prophet said something like "... someone when you look at her pleases you"

I guess that refers to you being attracted in her.

Unless she looks really funny. I guess you could marry a clown.

Actually no, forget that clowns are just plain scary, not funny.

[MMS]

hmm i dunno....... do people actually exist that are proper on the deen and pious and have awesome personalitys and are beautiful at the same time?

its hard enough to just find somebody who is totally honest :scratch:
its like finding a needle in a haystack

unless you know people who are sincerely pious and honest and beautiful i think we should compromise on some things unless you know for sure that you will be unhappy

we can't find heaven on earth :scratch:

[Zesty]

Im with MMS. Its defintely important but if to you its not the most important thing and you know her other qualities make up for it aswell as having the faith that Allah is the one who instills love and rehmaa between your hearts then go for it.
If it really bothers you and you have doubts about whether theres a possibility of later finding her attractive (i think its more a case of growing to love someone which is possible) then you need to think about it carefully.

Have you done Istikhara?

[in_exile]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

what is the attraction that you seek...you find attraction in a characteristic... attraction is not something that just is, there is a reason behind it....

it could be because of beauty, or because of deen, or because of wealth, or because of lineage...

out of all of these the only one that will benefit you is deen... you marry a beautiful girl, she gets old and not pretty, you marry a rich girl and her wealth is of no use to u, u marry a noble girl and she reminds you of her nobility all the time....

marry a girl with deen and the others will become more and more beautiful to you every day... trust me find a pious wife and every time you see her she will seem more beautiful to you every day ahem *outta*

[Kal-El]

We rarely meet models so when he/she asks this question you get the sense that, this potential spouse is below their "minimum attraction" level. So the real question is, I suppose, if someone is physically unattractive to you in every single manner - should that be overruled when they're character is something special?

The answer to that depends ironically on your own character. You might not be able to 'desire' them at first for their looks, but you could find something attractive about them in that marriage if you're a woman. If you're a brother, then this question is pretty self-explanatory. It's an entirely different matter for men. If you cannot envisage even kissing this person let alone sharing a bed in your chamber, then she must have a pretty darn amazing persona for you to consider it.

[neelu]

No. I've faced a similar dilemma in the past and I think it's better to not get married to the person because I think if the person had the other good qualities that you wanted, you'd quite easily overlook the attraction aspect because you'd like her other qualities so much it wouldn't matter to you. The fact that it matters so much that it's giving you doubts and second thoughts indicates that maybe this person isn't the one you're looking for.... then again- what do I know? I'm just as confused as next mans:confused:

[LastFriday]

I really don't think attraction to a person matter that much. I mean you never know, after marriage you might fall in love with him or her. Take a second and look at someones face, be it a old man a kid what have you, notice their wrinkles, the lines on their face, look carefully at how their eyes are set and how their nose is shaped and where their mouth ends, you will find beauty in everyone. It's there, we just don't look hard enough. Just my 2 cent.

[$HugoBoss$]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

The question is will you find someone that your attracted to with this girl's qualities and love for your family, kids etc?????

Your call bro but personally i need to be attracted to her or it isn't going to work out.

[hanaa_al_muminah]

some speaker, i think it was BILAL ASSAD he said that brothers tend to be attracted to looks, so if a sisters is pretty(in his opinion) he will give her his time n day n do anything at all, but if shes not appealing to him, then he jus wont listen, he wudnt pay attention....however with sisters its totally opposite, if a brother says to her ' u look nice 2day' she wud b soo happy, its like he has given her the whole world......so with sisters its about the brother being verbal.........

wat u lot think??? remember these wernt my words.......

[JayC]

some speaker, i think it was BILAL ASSAD he said that brothers tend to be attracted to looks, so if a sisters is pretty(in his opinion) he will give her his time n day n do anything at all, but if shes not appealing to him, then he jus wont listen, he wudnt pay attention....however with sisters its totally opposite, if a brother says to her ' u look nice 2day' she wud b soo happy, its like he has given her the whole world......so with sisters its about the brother being verbal.........

wat u lot think??? remember these wernt my words.......

nah i disagree. regardless of gender, some people need to find their spouse attractive, and for some its just not important... maybe they prioritise whether they can cook, how much they earn, endless list. i have even seen one really tall girl.... her only need was that the brother should be atleast her height...

for me. i would not have accptd my husbands proposal had i not found him attractive. but that was one of a fw things i was looking for. when it comes to sharing ur life, IMO this should be someone you like.

[Tahiyah]

physical attraction plays a major part in a sucessful marriage and noone should marry someone they dont feel attraction to.


Julaybib was not physically attractive..

[Umm_Hanzalah]

I think physical attraction is more of an issue for men. Women can find a person attractive if they have a good personality (in geneal that is).

So, yeh, I don't think a man should marry someone who he doesn't find attractive.

[the_middle_road]

Julaybib was not physically attractive..

Meaning that even though he was not attractive, the marriage could still work? Then there is also the flip side: ibn 'Abbas (ra) narrated: "The wife of Thabit bin Qais (ra) came to the Prophet :saw: and said: 'O Messenger of Allah! I have no complaint against Thabit in terms of his religion or morals, but what I fear is falling into disbelief after coming to Islam (what she means is being ungrateful to her husband as she is not satisfied). The Messenger of Allah :saw: said to her: 'Will you give him back his garden?' She said: 'Yes.' The Messenger of Allah :saw: said to him (the husband), 'Take back the garden and make a single pronouncement of divorce (i.e. divorce her once).''"
(Sahih Bukhari)

'Amr bin Shu'aib narrated on the authority of his father on the authority of his grandfather that Thabi bin Qais (ra) looked very ugly and his wife said: "If it was not for the fear of Allah, I would have spat on his face when he entered my place."
(ibn Majah)

Then in the footnote for this hadith it states: "She said in another narration, that she saw him walking among his companions, and found that he had the darkest skin, he was the shortest and the most ugly, so she feared Allah (swt) in treating him badly or not giving him his rights and that is why she asked for Khul'."

So yes, even if there is no physical attraction the marriage might still work in some cases. But in others it might not. It depends on the person involved I suppose.

[afsalim]

There has to be a little attraction. Marital love is not platonic.

[MFT]

The prophet said something like "... someone when you look at her pleases you"

I guess that refers to you being attracted in her.

exactly

[in_exile]

Meaning that even though he was not attractive, the marriage could still work? Then there is also the flip side: ibn 'Abbas (ra) narrated: "The wife of Thabit bin Qais (ra) came to the Prophet :saw: and said: 'O Messenger of Allah! I have no complaint against Thabit in terms of his religion or morals, but what I fear is falling into disbelief after coming to Islam (what she means is being ungrateful to her husband as she is not satisfied). The Messenger of Allah :saw: said to her: 'Will you give him back his garden?' She said: 'Yes.' The Messenger of Allah :saw: said to him (the husband), 'Take back the garden and make a single pronouncement of divorce (i.e. divorce her once).''"
(Sahih Bukhari)

'Amr bin Shu'aib narrated on the authority of his father on the authority of his grandfather that Thabi bin Qais (ra) looked very ugly and his wife said: "If it was not for the fear of Allah, I would have spat on his face when he entered my place."
(ibn Majah)

Then in the footnote for this hadith it states: "She said in another narration, that she saw him walking among his companions, and found that he had the darkest skin, he was the shortest and the most ugly, so she feared Allah (swt) in treating him badly or not giving him his rights and that is why she asked for Khul'."

So yes, even if there is no physical attraction the marriage might still work in some cases. But in others it might not. It depends on the person involved I suppose.

yes there is physical attraction but look at the other attraction.... look at barakah umm ayman (ra) the carer of the prophet *saW*, when it was said about her by the prophet *saw* that any of you who want to marry a woman from the women of paradise then let him marry Umm Ayman' and then despite the fact that she was old and non arab, zaid ibn haritha *ra* married her and they had the beloved son Usama bin zayd *ra*...

[Treasured Soul]

Well attraction doesnt always have to be physical ... for me, i think im more attracted to the guys mind than his physical appearance.

I know for some appearance matters ... but dont let it be the major thing ruling ur decision ... Just try to imagine the person in 10 years time and then 20 and so forth.

[MG]

He has found a religious woman but he does not find her appearance attractive – should he marry her?

Question:
I am seeking to get married and I was reffered to a sister ho comes from a good family, has a lot of Qur'an memorized (By Allah's Mercy.) She comes from a good family and she is of the same reace and same upbringing as I. I am not really attracted to her physically. She is attractive but not a lot to me. I wanted to know is her deen, good family, relationship with the Qur'an, proper dress, etc. sufficiant? Or maybe I should say, Allah knows best, however do you think that I should proceed? How much does physical attraction a factor? She is not bad looking but not as nice as I wanted, May Allah guide me.




Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If you want to get married, then look for one who is religious, as the Prophet http://www.islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised when he said: “Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper].” There is no reason why a man should not also look for other things, such as beauty etc., that will help him to keep his gaze lowered. This is something which should be taken into account. Hence the Prophet http://www.islamqa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) mentioned it when he said, “Women may be married for four things” – and he mentioned beauty as one of them. If you are afraid that you may treat this woman badly because you do not find her attractive, then do not go ahead and marry her. And Allaah knows best.


Written by: Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr

[fisabilllillah]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

physical appearance plays a role in marriage, i think u need to find her attractive to marry her.

[neelu]

Julaybib was not physically attractive..

I think there's more to attraction than physical appearance.

There has to be a little attraction. Marital love is not platonic.

I once met a practising guy as a rishta a long time ago and was in two minds as to whether to accept him or not cos' although I'm not someone who normally places much importance on looks, I honestly didn't like the look of him. I had to keep asking myself whether I was being superficial or not and whether I should just accept him for his good qualities or not but in the end when he turned me down I was so relieved (relieved that he took the decision out of my hands and I didn't feel the least bit regretful that he said no to me). With hindsight, I remember other things that he said which made me feel uneasy but I didn't give much thought to at the time so I really think not marrying him worked out for the best alhamdullilah. Anyway if in doubt- do istikhara.

I think attraction is not just about liking someone's physical appearance. So I also think that if you feel so put off by someone's physical appearance that you cannot envisage having any attraction in the context of marriage (in spite of the other good qualities), then just say no and turn the person down cos' it's possible that there are other matters besides looks that are putting you off (either that or you're just really superficial:p). It turns out now I'm in love with someone (who I can't have:confused:- but that's another story:o) who I'll admit is not that great in the looks department but I don't know how to explain it he just has something about him that just makes me completely :inlove::D:hidban::blobblue:@):D

[Ebony]

I dont think the initial question about attraction was necessarily about finding someone who is "hot" - but that if you like other things about her yet are not attracted to her is it worth pursuing? Some people end up becoming attracted to their spouse to be via their personality in the absence of any "attraction" in the beginning. So it is possible to marry w/o attraction.

Or it may be that you marry someone you find attractive and all the other qualities you want but it doesnt pan out the way you want it to - things dont work out.

In the best interests of you and the other person, its most probably better if you don't marry when there is absolutely no inkling of an attraction either way.

[shaolinmaster]

Assalamualaikum,

The short of it is, that you must feel attracted to some degree towards your potential partner. The need for attraction is something that is part of a person's fitrah and you can't lock it away, hoping that you will magically use your eeman to suppress it. I don't think any of us especially having grown up in this society are anywhere near capable of that. The is fully understood and catered for in the Shari'ah where the Prophet (saw) ordered the man to go look at the woman he wanted to marry before he went ahead with it.

The following is a conclusive resolve to this issue that leave many people confused and even guilty for not marrying someone who is perceived to be of good character yet not attractive enough. Notice Imam Ahmad's opinion in the quotation from Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat:

[taken from Islamqa.com]

Question:
I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful, and I want a wife who is more beautiful. What is the right thing to do?.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.
One of the important reasons for which Islam has prescribed marriage is to achieve chastity and to protect oneself and prevent one from looking at haraam things. In order to achieve that, Islam encourages looking at the fiancée before getting married to her, as that will ensure that love and affection will be generated between them, and will create a happy family, based on love, affection and respect, and neither spouse will be tempted to do something other than that which Allaah has permitted. Hence beauty is one of the attributes which one is encouraged to seek and pay attention to.

It says in Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat, which is a Hanbali book (2/621):

It is also Sunnah to choose a beautiful woman, because it is gives a greater sense of transquillity and is more likely to help him lower his gaze and love her more. Hence Islam prescribes looking (at one's fiancée) before marriage.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who, when he looks at her he feels happy, when he tells her to do something she obeys him, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth.” Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1838). End quote.

Some scholars regard it as mustahabb, if a man wants to propose marriage to a woman, to start by asking about her beauty first, then about her religious commitment. That is because it is known that people seek beauty first and foremost.


Imam al-Bahooti said in Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat (2/621):

He should not ask about her religious commitment until he has been told good things about her beauty. Ahmad said: If a man wants to propose marriage to a woman, he should ask about her beauty first, and if good things are said, he should ask about her religious commitment, and if good things are said, he should marry her. If he does not hear good things about her religious commitment, then he will have rejected her because of her religious commitment. He should not ask about her religious commitment first, then if good things are said, the he asks about her beauty, then if he does not hear anything good, he rejects her because of beauty and not because of religious commitment.


End quote.


What is blameworthy is when a man seeks beauty and forgets about character and religious commitment – which form the foundation of happiness and righteousness. As this is how most people are, the hadeeth urges them to look for one who is religiously committed and of good character, to stop people focussing on outward appearances and ignoring inward qualities.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4802) and Muslim (1466).

Al-Nawawi said in Sharh Muslim (10/52):
The correct view concerning the meaning of this hadeeth is that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was speaking of what people usually do, which is that they look for these four characteristics, the last of which in their view is religious commitment, but you who are rightly guided should choose the one who is religiously committed. End quote.


The view that it is mustahabb to seek beauty in one’s intended wife does not mean that dazzling beauty is essential, and that a young man should imagine the image of a girl who is one of the most beautiful women in the world and spend his whole life pursuing the image that he wants, because in most cases he will not find her, she may be weak in religious commitment and character.

Rather what is meant by beauty is the kind of beauty by means of which a man will keep himself chaste and avoid haraam things, and he will refrain from looking at other women. The definition of that beauty will vary from one person to another, and what matters is the opinion of the one who is proposing marriage.

Our advice to you is not to propose marriage to any girl unless you know that she is of the level of beauty that you are happy with, so that it will not be a matter of initial keenness after which you get fed up or start looking for something new, which will lead to a difficult series of problems in married life.

Whatever the case, the matter of religious commitment should take precedence over everything else.

With this balanced approach and balanced way of thinking, you can build a happy family life, in sha Allaah. I ask Allaah to help you and decree good for you.

See also the answer to question no. 8391 (http://islamqa.com/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=8391) and 21510 (http://islamqa.com/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=21510).
And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A

[Metroid]

For some reasons, I find a woman more attractive by the fact she is a Muslim. beleive, I even fall in love :love: with Sisters that wear hijab and that I've never seen their faces, nor see the shape of heir body. A Sister who wears hijab impress me the most:inlove: their that hijab despite the pressure of doing so in the West. This is so daring to me and somewhat encourages me in my deen. I'm not even sensitive to women who wear sexy clothings and stuff anymore.
I happens to ask my new friend of mine about what he finds beautiful in a woman. He surprisingly told me the same thing I stated.
However, I removed the wearing hijab criteria if I were to look for a wife
I least I know I'm not the only weird around :hidban:

[-Shamil-]

For some reasons, I find a woman more attractive by the fact she is a Muslim. beleive, I even fall in love :love: with Sisters that wear hijab and that I've never seen their faces, nor see the shape of heir body. A Sister who wears hijab impress me the most:inlove: their that hijab despite the pressure of doing so in the West. This is so daring to me and somewhat encourages me in my deen. I'm not even sensitive to women who wear sexy clothings and stuff anymore.
I happens to ask my new friend of mine about what he finds beautiful in a woman. He surprisingly told me the same thing I stated.
However, I removed the wearing hijab criteria if I were to look for a wife
I least I know I'm not the only weird around :hidban:

dont mean to be nosy but why did you do that?

[Metroid]

dont mean to be nosy but why did you do that?

To increase my chances of actually finding a Partner :(
I did not do so in a desperate move.
This is all i can tell you

[ghanamuslima]

there should be an attraction thats why we're not supposed to get married to someone we've never seen.

[Mujib]

I want to get married inshallah within the next 6 months, I want a girl who is attractive, not major! just enough for me to like her, it does play a part! so dont marry any1 if you dnt find them attractive

[LastFriday]

I want to get married inshallah within the next 6 months, I want a girl who is attractive, not major! just enough for me to like her, it does play a part! so dont marry any1 if you dnt find them attractive

Ok, but if all she can do is look pretty and her religion and personality is garbage...then you will suffer later on. In 5-10 years of your marriage all that beauty you saw will go away, unless she's supermodel style and maintains her self every single day!

[$HugoBoss$]

Ok, but if all she can do is look pretty and her religion and personality is garbage...then you will suffer later on. In 5-10 years of your marriage all that beauty you saw will go away, unless she's supermodel style and maintains her self every single day!

Thats what i'm talking about, maintaining yourself and being physically fit and healthy :up:

[Mujib]

Ok, but if all she can do is look pretty and her religion and personality is garbage...then you will suffer later on. In 5-10 years of your marriage all that beauty you saw will go away, unless she's supermodel style and maintains her self every single day!

No I want to marry some who is attractive but her deen should be a lot stronger, and her personality...Im not saying she should be a supermodel (sometimes i do wish she can be) but as long as she is a little attractive (in my eyes) it helps

[Sister-Ameena*]

:salams I wouldn't see the point of getting married if that's the case. :confused:

[Hekmaa]

There is a hadith, which states that there is not marriage if there isnt that attraction of inclination towards each other.

As with regards to finding people who are beautiful, religious, good character, wealthy and of good lineage there is a lot of such people.

Sabr is the key, and good people come with a good price i guess. However there is no perfect being, so they will have some flaw, that is just being human.

[thin_black_ice]

Nooo Don't do that on't get married if there is no attraction, It really doesnt work out :rubeyes::)

[thin_black_ice]

Ok, but if all she can do is look pretty and her religion and personality is garbage...then you will suffer later on. In 5-10 years of your marriage all that beauty you saw will go away, unless she's supermodel style and maintains her self every single day!

:up: Well said. Exactly the point:D.

[Mujib]

Trust me i'd rather get married to someone half decent, it does help (not that I have been married before) :hidban:

[MG]

correct me if im wrong but it doesnt take years or months for beauty to fade (physically maybe), i have seen some gorjus looking bros and sisters and when some of them open their gob, within a flash they are the ugliest in my eyes...no joke

[Foy]

Should you marry someone your not attracted to?

even if they are have great qualities - practising girl, respects me and my family and loves kids...... will attraction come after the marriage?

No. If there is no attraction you will have problems in the marriage.

[Sabz42]

u shud b attracted to sum1 aswell.. that shud one thing to look at also

[1 Level]

If attraction is something you look for but get married anyway thinking it will develop 1 way or another throughout the course of marriage then it could always not develop and bug you to the point it makes married life uneasy and uncomfortable for you to actually see your partner with loving eyes.