I dont know what to do anymore.

[naima27]

Assalamu Alaikom...
Inchallah you are all well.
I need advise. Three years ago I met a wonderful brother with whom I started a relationship with upon the promise of marriage.
He never told his parents back home about me, only his brothers knew.
His brother promised he would speak to his mother for me but then all went down hill.
Later I come to find out that his brother spoke bad things to his mother about me just so that she would obligate him to marry a woman from his own country. In this case the woman she has chosen for him is the sister in law of this same brother who "spoke" on my behalf to his mother.
I have found out that in the last year this man I met has been chatting almost daily with the girl and that an engagment is planned for when he returns for his next vacation back home.
His mother will not even give me the oppurtunity to meet her. Funny though when I first met him..this same brother wanted to come to the US..and me out of my love for him offered to marry his brother for papers..At that time his mother was happy that I was in their lives. Good enough for papers but not good enough for the sake of Allah.
This man promised he would marry me. And although I know having a relationship is Haram.Many things are haram but I pray for forgiveness everyday. I stayed knowing that he would be for me. I wanted him and only him in my life.
We have gone through so much in the last couple years. I have supported him when he was in school and not working. Likewise he has to me.
When he is sick I am the one who cares for him. When he cries he cries on my shoulder. I am the one who feeds him and takes care of what he needs to get done. I do not regret doing this for he has noone here in the US. I am the wife with out the contract basically.
He at one point asked for me to become his 2nd wife ( she has to be first according to him since she is of his nationality) but he wanted to contract a nikkah in secret. Plus I would not be able to have children because as his mother stated she would never accept ( non-arab grandchildren) them. Which denies me my right to extend my family.
Which brings me to another point..Why do I continue? I have no family. My mother and father passed years ago. I married young and my husband passed of luekemia when I was 23. The only family I had left was an aunt and she recently passed this new year. I have one sister but she lives overseas and I hardly ever get to see or speak to her.
I know with him I do not have much but he is all that I have left of family.
I make istikhara all the time but I feel lost..
Please help...

[Noor_Usman]

Asalamalikum sister.

Wow that is deep stuff :rubeyes: My heart really goes out to you.

I realise that you're empty inside and you need a family....(my family whilst alive, hate each other and all live many - usually 100's of miles aways from each other and prefer to be left to their own devices..even from me :o Alhamdillah I have my husband though. )

I think you should really look long term though babe. I know us girls are very emotional and prone to spur of the moment decisions....but I don't want you to make a choice you'll later regret.

I wont judge you for what's happened here....I guess I went through something very similar....HOWEVER when the mother in law to be started going on about "pakistani wife" he told her blatently it was his choice not hers :up:

I'm honestly very worried for you if your husband to be will not stand up for you. We risked rejection but we were accepted and my sister in laws and father in law love me very much (mother in law now shows off she has a british daughter in law :rolleyes: )

I mean....what he's basically saying is:
1) You're not good enough to dispute with his family over (& their opinion of his wife is more valuable than his own opinion of his wife)
2) If you get married you're a naughty secret no one must know about
3) You are forbidden to have any children of your own

Indirectly this first wife is the priority in every way :( and I honestly don't believe you will ever be happy in this situation. Families with more than one wife work on the balance that they are treated equal...and you certainly wont be by this family my dear sister.

Your going to have to be strong and find another way.

May Allah T'ala guide you and take care of you...but PLEASE don't marry this man unless he forsakes his parents stupid racist whims. Arab grandchildren my bahoonie!





note: Bahoonie - noun (not!) - an odd posh word Brits' use when trying to politely (not quite swear) about someone's bottom :up:

[Stylish-Girly]

You'll be in my prayers, i feel so much sympathy for you my sister.. Dont lose hope and seriously, i think you shouldnt bother with that guy, yes hes fam but he seems to be takin you for a ride and thats it, im sorry but you shouldnt let someone take advantage of you in that way .. You seem so concerned about him but he doesnt in return :( x

[Bint ISLAM]

awww May Allah make ur trials and tribulations easy for u and may He give u His firm and trustworthy handhold in all ur affairs... sister wat feels rite? wat feels liek the rite thing to do? if u feel lost ask Allah that u need Him to make the path very clear to u and ask Him where ur happiness and ur deen and ur aakhirah lie.... does it lie wid u stayin wid him becuase if it doesnt and Allah knows best he will make it apparent to u and take His advice becasue he knows the ghaib the unseen and He will onli ever show u the best way... ask him with all ur heart wat to do and onli He will give u the best response :inlove:

and i make a dua that thru alll ur suffering you are aided and thru ur hardships u are rewarded :)

[afsalim]

Sis, please don't hate me for saying this, but he's not worth it! All you've done in this relationship is give and give, getting nothing in return. Don't go into a polygamous marriage with him either. At some point in life an individual has to stand up to his/her family and let them know what he/she wants in life. He couldn't even face his own mother, how can he give you a good life? Walk away sis. Trust me, Allah always has the best stored for us. I'm a chronic optimist and I do believe whatever happens, happens for the best. A few years back I was in your shoes and the woman I loved walked out on me. But I have a good life now subhanAllah. Have faith in the almighty and move on.

[PiElle2]

sis... people say a lot of things, good or bad, but at the end of the day, it's their actions that counts, even in the eyes of Allah.

it's not nice for anyone to be alone and esp in your situation. pls dun let this situation lead you to make a wrong choice or decision. some people are natural nice and some not, try to avoid and stay away from people who gives you grieve constanly. it's not worth it as you deserve more and better in your life.

things do happen for a reason and most times we are not able to see what Allah has instored for us.

let what you have given out and sacrifice be your generous charity. you will be rewarded later.

have faith and try to turn to Allah more for strength and guidance.

i will keep you in my duas.

[tvf501]

i have similar situation what can i say be patient