Your parents' secret...

[Cristiana]

Salam aleykum,

now that I'm about to become a mother insha'Allah, I often look at young sister that are practicing and pious muslimahs born and bred in the UK and I can't help wondering:

HOW DID THEIR PARENTS DO IT?

So, is there anything your parents did in your upbringing that you recognize as being very effective in making you a pious muslim?

Think about it and share please :D

[GAL-actic]

I'm just a muslimma...Not from UK but I remember my parents used to tell us stories about the companions and what is halal and what not. Here's something I can remember:They did not forbid us going to a schoolparty. I wanted to go but my parents did not agree. They told me some stuff about those parties and explained why they don't want us/me to go. But I just wanted to go so they brought me and my sis and picked us up later. And later I realized there's nothing fun about it. I know of some ppl were not allowed to go to schoolparties and later they did go without telling their parents. They lie because they were not allowed to go. It's just an example. I'm not telling you should let your kids go out and visit parties and all of that stuff but just explain what it's all about, why it's not allowed and then let them make their own decsion.

Insha'Allah you'll be a great mum.

[neelu]

I'm not a parent myself but have noticed that those parents in the UK who have good, pious children tend to have the following things in common:

1) The parents take their responsibility to spend time with the children from an early age- you'd be surprised how much of an influence it has on children if one/both parents spend a little time just chillin' with them.

2) The parents try to be good role models for the children from the start- they practise what they preach and it helps children develop some sense of right and wrong even in things they're not told about just by observing the adult members of the family

3) The parents make sure the children are stimulated- as the saying goes "the devil makes work for idle hands" so the parents make sure that the kids have plenty to do

4) Pay attention to what the children are doing/learning from an early age- I've come across some parents who just want to get the kids off their hands all day and don't think about teaching them anything about Islam or instilling values or anything UNTIL the kids become rebellious teenagers and then the parents get too strict but they're too late to set things straight. The secret of the best parents I've come across is that they pay attention to matters like this at an early age and don't wait till things get out of hand

5) Make sure the kids have good company- this is a REALLY hard thing to do, especially if you don't live in a good neighbourhood but it's important for kids to have good role models and people they can talk to other than their parents, especially as they get older- this includes making sure that when they're not with you, they're with a good babysitter or trustworthy relatives. This is a matter in which the extended family/grandparents can help. It can also help to send the kids to a good school but if they can't get into one, then at least if they can get to a good after school Islamic class, sports club or other extra curricular activity in which they're likely to be in good company.

Oh yeah and remember the power of making dua because as human beings, we make all the effort we can in the hope that things will turn out right inshallah- but results are always from Allah (swt).

[green soul]

waalekom aslam warhmet allah wabrkatoh

being a parent it's not an essay mission .
sometimes you may lose control and it's natural because of the generations gap.
from my experience and the advice i got, you should always explain why you forbid . never say no without explaining why..
even to your six months baby.
always talks with him and don't expect him to obey from the first time. you may repeat it many times before he internalizes it.
you know the most important and effective thing ..
warp him/her with your love and your warm lap.

[Rosalie-Beauty]

I was not raised in the UK but I was and kinda still am (being 16) being rasied in the US, which has the same cultural effect on young muslims. One thing I always remember my parents doing was sitting down with my brother and I and teaching us Quran and Islamic studies. My dad would buy all these cool Islam CD's from South Africa. Another very important thing I think they did was set a good example..in every way. Thats the most important thing I think; children are very impressionable and take in everything their parents do.
Also, explain things to kids instead of just telling them, "Do this" and, "dont do that" This will give them a sense of right and wrong and help to perceive things in a more logical way. It helps them with decision making.
One more thing and then I will be quiet: teach your kid since they are very young to never lie no matter what. Honesty is the most important thing in any relationship, especially one between a parent and child. lying numbs the consceince and hardens the heart.
One more thing..please..: Dont scold your kid for being different. Uniqueness is an unrivaled inner beauty and its what you will remember most about them. Thinking differently can get a person far in life and anyway whats wrong with straying from the flock every once in a while?

[LastFriday]

taking notes loL, not that I'm going to be a parent anytime soon, but for the future! I always wondered this question my self...:rolleyes:

[ummbilal]

salaam alakum sister,

I understand your concerns, and the answer is to set a good example, children look to their parents no matter what, if u and your husband wake everyday for fajr, never let anything stop you praying your salah on time then your children will too inshaallah.

The hardest thing is stepping back and letting your child make choices for themselves, but if you have taught them right from the beginning they will make the right choices inshaallah.

Many people send their children to an islamic school or madrassa and then sit back and dont bother to teach the islam at home as well, islam is 24/7 and to be a sucessful parent you cannot give over the respocibility to other people to teach your child islam.


sis Anisa, you have nothing to worry about, if you and your husband start early you'll be great parents inshaallah with pious children to be the coolness of your eyes x

[muslimma]

wow im impressed mashallah some really good responses ...in fact i think you guys have said most about what needs to be said :rolleyes:

but one point that i would like to pick on is the one that green soul and rosalie-beauty stated about how important it is that you provide explanations to why you are saying no to certain things .

i remember when i was slightly younger that my mum would tell me "no you cant do that or go ther" and being of that age i would ask starit away "why?" :mad: why? why? why cant i?

but wht would infuriate me further woud be that she wouldn't give me a reason and that woul be the last straw, which leads to children thinking that because mommy/ daddy can't give a descent eplanation theres obiviously no good reason why i shouldn't do this or go ther , so the child ends up doing it but just secretly instead.

enshallah when i have children i will always provide explanation about why i say what i say, as especially when children get to teenage years they will rebel against what you say, even just sometimes to be difficult.

[ummbilal]

What Muslimma has said is very true, i explain everything to my children.....eg when they asked why cant we have a christmas tree, they look nice..i explained the pagan origins of this custom and also the fact its haram to celebrate a haram celebration which xmas is...

instead we put up lights for eid, just for the 3 days of eid.

i have friends who were told growing up
U must cover your head, its what pakistani women do, you cannot go uncovered like a gora girl

where oh where is the islam in that???

no where so the girls grew up thinking their parents were still "back home backward" and dont practise islam properly.

Inshaallah by treating our children like intelligent people they will come to understand for themselves.

[Raziel]

Salam aleykum,

now that I'm about to become a mother insha'Allah, I often look at young sister that are practicing and pious muslimahs born and bred in the UK and I can't help wondering:

HOW DID THEIR PARENTS DO IT?

So, is there anything your parents did in your upbringing that you recognize as being very effective in making you a pious muslim?

Think about it and share please :D

Akhi, I'm no parent, but if you instill good behaviour and teach what is right from wrong from infancy, to adulthood, inshallah, when the child becomes a Teenager and then and adult, he/she will recognise and refrain from filth and many other sins commonly committed ...

the trouble is, often we take common sins like listening to Music, watching Films, many of which contain Haram activities, and give of the wrong theme (Ie. Adultery is permissible so long as you 'Love' someone ... :smack:) as something minor, but in the long run it ruins a persons life, and affects their judgment ... and then we begin to panic ...

:jkk:

[hanaa_al_muminah]

mashaállah beautiful thread,,,,something i have been thinking about 4 ages(even though im not going to be a parent soon)....n masha allah very good naseehas from eevry1 :up:


i wud jus like to ellaborate more on what has been said and what i have heard and seen from my sisters who cum from a background where islam was practised properly.
As long as u do ur duty as a mother and ur husband as a father and u put ur trust in Allah (swt) it will be fine.
Remember that everything u do and say (in terms of forbidding and allowing) they will automatically link it to islam, no matter how small.

e.g

not eating too many sweets, why?? not good 4 teeth and we have to look after the teeth that Allah has given us as he gave them to us functioning well...

e.g

cnt have boyfriend/girlfriend , why? Allah has already decreed ur partner 4 u
and it is Allah who will put the love n mercy between u ...not u, money, or worldly things....just Allah, so u dnt have to have boyfriend/girlfriend to find ur spouse like %%% and **&^%.......they have no choice, they have to do this, but u dont.... so b patient

if u jus answer to them from qu'ran and sunnah and they c u do the same, inshaállah they will be good kids... i have a friend who sits with all her family every friday in a circle at home n they read quran and read hadiths and discuss these in further about what they think it means and what they are being asked to do..

n treat ur kids as adults (when they hit teenag years), tell them str8!!! coz how many magazines are there out there, that tell girls (12+) that its ok to kiss ur boyfriend??? so many.......... so dnt delay in advising them n telling them these serious things.......

and remember Prophet ibrahim (as) when he told his son (as) that he saw in a dream, him sacrificing him 4 the sake Of ALLAH.....this was a grown up situation, but he still told his son who was young at the time...

so make sure u communicate with ur kids and remember to jus put ur trust in Allah...... sorry 4 making it long...:inlove:

[MMS]

a good belting every now n then :D

[ummbilal]

a good belting every now n then :D

pushes kids away from Islam and causes their hearts to grow hard and stubbern, no child deserves to be beaten like a donkey....acctually nor does the donkey, best advice use words not belts to teach your children.:up:

[Cristiana]

Jazakum Allah khayran brothers and sisters!!!

Some very very interesting answers!!!

This is important for so many reasons... it is actually the single most important thing my husband and I will have to put our efforts towards in our lives :)

Although Allah guides whom He wants, we still must do our very best to help our children love Islam.

I will add a little thought of my own (since my family aren't muslim and my husband's family aren't practicing): as a revert, one must NEVER FORGET the immense blessing we have received in our Islam. I was in the middle of the sea, drawining with millions of other hopeless, but I - of all people - was rescued ALHAMDULILLAH !
If one remembers this, the urge to transmit love for Islam will be irresistible insha'Allah :up:

[neelu]

One other thing that I find personally helps me (I work at a school with mainly 11-14 year olds) is the phrase "pick your battles". I personally feel that it's best to not be too strict with children so that they feel comfortable and relaxed around you but then show strictness and firmness if they say or do something very bad. I say this because I find if you're too strict all the time then kids can either get used to it and become less affected by a telling off when it's really important or else they are too scared to be their normal selves in front of you and start misbehaving behind your back. On the other hand, if you're too lenient then they become spoilt and don't respect your authority and this would also make instilling discipline and values all the more difficult so I think it's best to have an in between approach where you try to stay calm and relaxed most of the time but if they really cross the line, a firm telling off would be enough to set them straight inshallah.

There are lots of TV programmes these days about instilling discipline in children such as Supernanny, House of Tiny Tearaways and Little Angels (one episode of little angels features a practising Muslim family and their very difficult, screaming, biting four year old and they said the discipline techniques helped them and can apply to any kind of family).