Aynpackr
03-01-08, 04:21 AM
I don't know what to say. I'll start out with saying I am quickly spinning into something I don't feel much control over. It is as if I'll crash and burn somewhere. Will anyone really read this long post? Most people won't, but I guess it is therapeutic for me to get my thoughts down.
I know I am being tested by Allaah, but I don't know how well I have been doing on the test, how far along I am, and what I might be missing. This has to the most depressing aspect: not knowing a single thing about how well or poorly I am doing on this test. At school, you study, and take the test...and you almost immediately get a grade. With Allaah's tests, they may go on for years (maybe for ever), and you apparently won't know how well or poorly you've done.
This is really killing me. Just as you would want someone to respond to you if you were speaking to him or her, I desperately want to ask Allaah "How am I doing now, and when could this test be over?" The difference is that I won't get real physical answer (an answer, for example, you may give me). Any answers I may get from Allaah will likely be cryptic, and will not be spoken. I may not even realize that I've already received an answer. When you're depressed, there's nothing more valuable than a spoken answer (which is something you'd get from a human).
The problem is that I am not looking for human answers. I am only looking for His answers, but I can't call a phone number (or email Him). For the past five years, I've cried, fallen on the floor, bathed in my tears, etc. Each and ever time, I've asked for an answer. Each and ever time, I received an answer. The only issue? It wasn't a spoken answer, and you can't imagine how critical a spoken (literal) answer.
I am looking for a pause button. Stop the world. Just allow me and Allaah to speak for a minute. No one has to know. I hate this world, which is physically and in other ways closed from the other side where Allaah is. Without spoken communication, I feel the distance is too great. Yet He is always listening.
I don't want to take any medications, because they can't possibly help me achieve what I want to achieve. I want to wake up one day with my problems, *poof*, gone.
I wonder if Musa (peace be upon him) would, if he were given a choice, allow me or someone else to speak to Allaah directly instead of him (someone take his place). I understand his objectives, but I think that one-on-one talk would mean more to me.
But Allaah is not a pie...you can ask Him for anything, and the fact that there are people out there who are worse off than you has no bearing on whether you get what you asked for. In other words, it's not like we're cutting up a pie, and we must limit our requests, or stand in line (first come first serve basis, or a most dire need served first). But there are thoughts in my mind that tell me, sometimes, to slow down on the requests, since there are other people in a worse situation. I don't know why I get these thoughts, because I know it doesn't work like this.
Sometimes, while talking to Allaah, I tell Him that I would do anything He wants just to have the test called off. I make these silly statements about how I would jump a thousand times, walk many miles, and do other things just for the test to end (I don't know why I say these things, because I know these things make no difference to Him. It is not as if He cares about a thousand jumps).
Worst of all? I still remember the day I asked Allaah explicitly to test me: the worst of my life. I regret it to this day. For your own good, do not ask Allaah to test you. Don't even think about it. I thought...the people Allaah loves the most have been the ones most seriously tested. It's true, but don't ask.
It's been five or six years now. I wonder how much time is left...
I know I am being tested by Allaah, but I don't know how well I have been doing on the test, how far along I am, and what I might be missing. This has to the most depressing aspect: not knowing a single thing about how well or poorly I am doing on this test. At school, you study, and take the test...and you almost immediately get a grade. With Allaah's tests, they may go on for years (maybe for ever), and you apparently won't know how well or poorly you've done.
This is really killing me. Just as you would want someone to respond to you if you were speaking to him or her, I desperately want to ask Allaah "How am I doing now, and when could this test be over?" The difference is that I won't get real physical answer (an answer, for example, you may give me). Any answers I may get from Allaah will likely be cryptic, and will not be spoken. I may not even realize that I've already received an answer. When you're depressed, there's nothing more valuable than a spoken answer (which is something you'd get from a human).
The problem is that I am not looking for human answers. I am only looking for His answers, but I can't call a phone number (or email Him). For the past five years, I've cried, fallen on the floor, bathed in my tears, etc. Each and ever time, I've asked for an answer. Each and ever time, I received an answer. The only issue? It wasn't a spoken answer, and you can't imagine how critical a spoken (literal) answer.
I am looking for a pause button. Stop the world. Just allow me and Allaah to speak for a minute. No one has to know. I hate this world, which is physically and in other ways closed from the other side where Allaah is. Without spoken communication, I feel the distance is too great. Yet He is always listening.
I don't want to take any medications, because they can't possibly help me achieve what I want to achieve. I want to wake up one day with my problems, *poof*, gone.
I wonder if Musa (peace be upon him) would, if he were given a choice, allow me or someone else to speak to Allaah directly instead of him (someone take his place). I understand his objectives, but I think that one-on-one talk would mean more to me.
But Allaah is not a pie...you can ask Him for anything, and the fact that there are people out there who are worse off than you has no bearing on whether you get what you asked for. In other words, it's not like we're cutting up a pie, and we must limit our requests, or stand in line (first come first serve basis, or a most dire need served first). But there are thoughts in my mind that tell me, sometimes, to slow down on the requests, since there are other people in a worse situation. I don't know why I get these thoughts, because I know it doesn't work like this.
Sometimes, while talking to Allaah, I tell Him that I would do anything He wants just to have the test called off. I make these silly statements about how I would jump a thousand times, walk many miles, and do other things just for the test to end (I don't know why I say these things, because I know these things make no difference to Him. It is not as if He cares about a thousand jumps).
Worst of all? I still remember the day I asked Allaah explicitly to test me: the worst of my life. I regret it to this day. For your own good, do not ask Allaah to test you. Don't even think about it. I thought...the people Allaah loves the most have been the ones most seriously tested. It's true, but don't ask.
It's been five or six years now. I wonder how much time is left...