Need to get this off my chest

[''''']

I've changed alot over the last years. A couple of years ago i was a bit of a goth, then i went scene to emo, listening to metal and all that rubbish whilst just doing the basics of islam. I would have never thought that in a few years time i would be wearing hijab, waking up for fajr and paying mor attention to my salah (and even praying in college!) etc etc. What's bothered me though is one of my relationships with my friend. I've always been very close to her, we used to talk alot and go out loads together. Over the last couple of months i've been cancelling alot on her when she asks me if i wanna go out. I've had to cancel because these outings always involve alcohol and free-mixing which as a muslim i dont feel right about. I've just come back from her house to give her a gift, and both she and her parents were off with me. It's hard to explain, but do you know when you can just tell somebody's annoyed with you. I feel bad because i havnt been very tactile in the way ive been cancelling on her, as my parents have pointed out to me which made me feel bad. I said in a text yesterday something along the lines of "hey do you mind if i give it a miss i just wont feel comfortable but we should go out just me and u some other time" and before ive said "sorry do u mind if i dont come because im not supposed to come to places wheere alcohol is served because i won't feel comfortable and ill just feel pressurised" *smacks head* seriously what was i doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this is even worse. We'd organised a trip to london with her, her family and me. Turned out the trip was during eid al fitr (the one thats just gone) so me being a complete idiot texted her cancelling on the trip her parents had organised and paid for me in full months and months ago!!! i didnt even discuss it with my parents. i don't know what i was thinking!!! it got kinda heated and even though i got it "sorted" in the end and did go, the relationship between me and her and me and her family has gone dooooooooooooown hill. What makes me feel really bad is i have a horrible feeling they think my parents have forced all this on me. Which is completely and utterly false, alhamdullilah it was allah who has guided me!!!! I just think, like my dad says, it's a complete shock for them to see me change so drastically! Like anything really, if i'd suddenly gone lesbian and was brining my girlfriend around to theirs that would be equally as shocking as me becoming a strict muslim. But I think they think i'm some rude muslim extremist who's pushing their daughter away :( I really don't know what to say. But that's the impression im getting. I've prayed in their house before and in her car, which probably adds to their extremist view on me. I want to remain her friend but unfortunately it's very hard when all outings consist of things which i don't feel happy with. I know at the end of the day it's only allah who i need to please not them. but i'd appreciate some comments please :) thanks for reading..

[Pippin1376]

Mashallah I'm glad you changed for the better :)

As for your friend, sometimes we change and move apart it happens. But if you want to keep this friendship going instead of going to places where there is alcohol why not set a date to go to the mall? Arcade? Your place? Her place? Rent a movie and watch it together with some popcorn. There are many things you can do that doesn't involve alcohol.

If you give your friends different options on what you two can do together then inshallah it will be better. Don't always rely on her to make the outings, try going for the attack and making your own and invite her.

Inshallah Allah will make it smooth for you. :)

[dhakiyya]

Its normal for friends to drift apart. Even without Islam in the picture complicating things in their minds. You need to sit down with your friend, alone, and say that you still want to be friends with her but you just don't feel comfortable with alcohol, freemixing or other haram things. Explain how you feel about Islam, and how you've changed over the past year. Ask her to inshaAllah accept you as you are, and accept that you are Muslim by your own choice. then the ball is in her court - she can accept you or let the two of you drift apart naturally. Either way, make dua for her to be guided to Islam, if you remain good friends you will be giving her dawa by example, so don't let yourself get dragged or persuaded into haram things. If she accepts you and agrees to only do halal activities with you then mashaAllah. If the two of you drift apart - at least its on honest terms, not with her worrying that you don't like her or whatever. Also if you ever feel that you are being tempted to do haram things (which I don't think is the case at the moment) then its better to avoid her.

About the trip I think inshaAllah you should apologise to her family properly and make an effort to pay them back for that, or make up in some way if they're the kind of people that would be offended by an offer to pay them back. But they do need to know that you're sorry about the inconvenience and disappointment that you caused them.

[Cashew]

I've changed alot over the last years. A couple of years ago i was a bit of a goth, then i went scene to emo, listening to metal and all that rubbish whilst just doing the basics of islam. I would have never thought that in a few years time i would be wearing hijab, waking up for fajr and paying mor attention to my salah (and even praying in college!) etc etc. What's bothered me though is one of my relationships with my friend. I've always been very close to her, we used to talk alot and go out loads together. Over the last couple of months i've been cancelling alot on her when she asks me if i wanna go out. I've had to cancel because these outings always involve alcohol and free-mixing which as a muslim i dont feel right about. I've just come back from her house to give her a gift, and both she and her parents were off with me. It's hard to explain, but do you know when you can just tell somebody's annoyed with you. I feel bad because i havnt been very tactile in the way ive been cancelling on her, as my parents have pointed out to me which made me feel bad. I said in a text yesterday something along the lines of "hey do you mind if i give it a miss i just wont feel comfortable but we should go out just me and u some other time" and before ive said "sorry do u mind if i dont come because im not supposed to come to places wheere alcohol is served because i won't feel comfortable and ill just feel pressurised" *smacks head* seriously what was i doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this is even worse. We'd organised a trip to london with her, her family and me. Turned out the trip was during eid al fitr (the one thats just gone) so me being a complete idiot texted her cancelling on the trip her parents had organised and paid for me in full months and months ago!!! i didnt even discuss it with my parents. i don't know what i was thinking!!! it got kinda heated and even though i got it "sorted" in the end and did go, the relationship between me and her and me and her family has gone dooooooooooooown hill. What makes me feel really bad is i have a horrible feeling they think my parents have forced all this on me. Which is completely and utterly false, alhamdullilah it was allah who has guided me!!!! I just think, like my dad says, it's a complete shock for them to see me change so drastically! Like anything really, if i'd suddenly gone lesbian and was brining my girlfriend around to theirs that would be equally as shocking as me becoming a strict muslim. But I think they think i'm some rude muslim extremist who's pushing their daughter away :( I really don't know what to say. But that's the impression im getting. I've prayed in their house before and in her car, which probably adds to their extremist view on me. I want to remain her friend but unfortunately it's very hard when all outings consist of things which i don't feel happy with. I know at the end of the day it's only allah who i need to please not them. but i'd appreciate some comments please :) thanks for reading..

I don't think there's anything in orthodox Islam that requires you to be disorganized.

Even if you're wearing full hijaab and niqaab and praying five times a day, you still need to respect other people's time and plans as much as you respect your own.

You need to sit down with your friend and a calendar and plan halal outings and activities that don't conflict with your religious obligations.

Canceling appointments or activities at the last minute is inconsiderate no matter who does it -- a Sikh, a Muslim, an atheist, etc.

[Tranquillity]

It can be really hard when you change- you need to work out exactly how much of your old life has to go and how exactly you're going to express yourself. What's done is done so don't beat yourself up about it, we all make mistakes!
To me there seem to be two things that need to be done here: 1) you need to make amends to your friend and her family 2) you need to decide whether or not they have a place in your new life. Obviously you could just do the second thing, but unless you smooth things over there will always be bad feeling between you.
So... cook a nice dish, buy some flowers and go round there! Say that you're sorry for your behaviour, that you know you should have been more upfront about what was going on. Spend some time with the whole family, and then just with your friend. Like dhakkiya said, have a real heart to heart.
After this, make some regular attempt to spend time with your friend in a halal environment. After a couple of times of this, I think things will just happen naturally- either your friendship will have survived, or you'll just be on good terms with each other, sending each other a text now and then. The important thing is to not force things once you get to this stage, just remain friendly and see what happens xx

[Radiohead]

It's a very tough situation for you, but you've gotten much good advice from all the posts above you. I can't really add anything new except to say that people do change, and some friendships are strong enough to withstand those changes whilst others are less resistant. I definitely think you need to make up for the missed appointments whatever happens, with some sort of apology and gesture at the very least. I wish you well with the situation, and let us know how it goes.., :)

[Tosh]

Assalamu alaikum,

Good advice above, MashaAllah.

What I thought when I read your post:

1) Alhamdulillah, MashaAllah, its inspiring to see someone make such a positive change.

2) You have changed, but your friend is the same person. Of course its a shock to her.

3) Your texts are fine. However, they seem harsh because there was no real warning for the change. Perhaps it would be best to write a letter explaining why you changed, that you are really much happier and content practising Islam (as before you were foregoing a lot of the duties), the affect this has on your activities (e.g. prayer 5 times a day, no alcoholic environment, free-mixing, entertainment alternatives), and how you would still love to be friends. With this, maybe she will see the positive affects of Islam, rather than just all the negative effects it "appears" to be having on your relationship. And we all know that Islam is best for everyone, so you don't have to feel guilty bringing someone to only halal activities when you can't do hers.

4) Don't allow doubtful activities - like watching a movie. If you go lenient then it won't be good for either of you. Try to stick to meeting up over food or hot drinks, and give her gifts as well. You could do Eid, but how about just with the letter mentioned in 3, if you are up for it.

5) Give her a copy of a translation Qur'an sometime. Use your friendship to benefit her as well. Explain that you would love for her to become Muslim because you love Islam but if not, to understand Islam, and not hate it for what it isn't. Explain that she can ask questions any time, and that because you are such good friends, of course you won't have a problem with it. But remember, if you don't know, say you will find out, and get back to her.

I seriously advise a nice letter to clear matters up, including an apology for the trouble caused. If you do this, she will have something to keep as a reminder for the future as well, even if you do drift. It is clear that you are very close, the fact that you and her meet up with just each other as well as in groups. By writing a letter by hand, she will also realise that actually the friendship she has given you is still important to you even though she isn't Muslim.

Oh, and I know this isn't easy even though I say it like it is, but I do seriously believe it is the best course of action.

May Allah guide us all aright, and make us the best examples of Islam. May Allah put strength in our hearts to follow His Deen, and put Islam in the hearts of our close friends and relatives, those Muslim and those not. Ameen.

[''''']

We make an odd friendship. She's actually a satanist. But i make dua every now and again for her to be guided. You never know :)

[Stylish-Girly]

You intrigue me :) :up: