I don't know what to do.

[Why meeee]

As Salaam Alaikum,

I have been married for almost two years, it will be two years in Jan. Since we have been married my husband has been out of work. He did collect unemployment for 8 months, but like I said it is now going on two years I have been working like crazy two jobs. My full time job requires a an hour and a half commute in each direction so I feel like I work 10-12 hour days, the part time job is 10 hours every Saturday. I felt that as a wife it is my duty to this as we are a family and we both have to contribute. He has been cooking and preparing meals during the week, I would still come home and clean and do the laundry, but my body is tired I feel myself breaking down. He has been on job interviews and stuff, but nothing ever comes through for him I make Du'aa he says he does too. I try to be supportive and tell him that with every trail comes ease and everything that I can remember to keep and increase my own Imaan. I am hurt because yesterday he called me at work to just talk and nearing the end of our conversation I said “so what's for dinner” and he got a little snappy saying "I don't know I am getting tired of cooking I'm gonna need you to start cooking".????? What????? I cook on the weekends because during the week I am so tired I can barley stand and most of the time if he did not cook I would not eat myself. I guess I am just feeling hurt because in two years I have not once said get up off your butt and get a job, you are suppose to support me, as much as I have wanted to I have not because I don't ever want to kick someone when their down especially my beloved. My heart is so torn my kafir relatives say get a divorce you are young you'll have no problem finding someone, but I told myself that when I get married that divorce was not an option. As you can see I am lost, hurt and confused. Above all I don't know what to do.

[Redmist]

Well you have to ask yourself these questions-

1. did ur husband work before he got married?

has he worked for the most part of his life, or has he always been a bit of a loafer?

if he's generally worked all his life and is not a lazy so and so.....you just hav to be patient, keep encouraging him, jobs are hard to come by in this day and age.......i can vouch for that

2. not work urself too hard. dont do 2 jobs! seems like u are taking too much on and ull just get sick and tired of it and blow up. you know what i mean dont you?

the other thing u can do is get him to sign up with som agencies. Work will come along, but it might be temporary and short term and not well paid, but thats better than not working!

So u need to ask urself thsese questions, and take steps depending on the answers you get. If his a worker and not generaly a lazy so and so u just h av to be patient with him and with urself. Jobs are hard to come by these days. Believe me!!

[Pro_Candy]

Do you live in a country in which it is hard to find a job? If you live in the west, the man can at least go down to the local McDonalds or Walmart and find a job. It's NOT fair of him to lay all of this on you. It is HIS job, whether or not he was working when you got married, to provide for his family.

You've done your part, played the supportive role, it's time for him to become a man and take responsibility. It is your Islamic right not to have to work two jobs to take care of a man who is taking advantage of the kindness of his wife.

Next time he tells you that you need to cook, tell him that he needs to get a job. Don't beat around the bush. He's making you take the roll of the man, so take it all the way.

[Babbage]

Is your husband serious about getting a job? If you live in a country where jobs are available and he's been trying unsuccessfully for two years he and H
hasn't got a job it looks like he either isn't trying very hard or he overestimates the value of his qualifications. Certainly, you want to sit down with him and discuss your future. He may be mentallly ill, which would explain his behaviour; all the same two years putting up with behaviour like that is one thng. How would you feel in a couple of decades?

[Mace]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. That certainly doesn't sound fair. But I commend you for trying to make this work and not just taking the easy route out, which is divorce.

Do you have children?

And, as others have said, a lot depends on where you live. Around here where I live, companies have a hard time finding and retaining employees. So certainly there would be no excuse for being unemployed for that long here. Other parts of this country are different, though. And certainly other parts of the world.

Is your husband getting good help and advice in his career? What is his level of education?

For the time being, while he is still looking, he should feel guilty about you having to work so hard and he should want to do ALL the laundry, cooking, cleaning and anything else he can do. At least until he finds a job.

[brjimc]

As Salaam Alaikum,

I have been married for almost two years, it will be two years in Jan. Since we have been married my husband has been out of work. He did collect unemployment for 8 months, but like I said it is now going on two years I have been working like crazy two jobs. My full time job requires a an hour and a half commute in each direction so I feel like I work 10-12 hour days, the part time job is 10 hours every Saturday. I felt that as a wife it is my duty to this as we are a family and we both have to contribute. He has been cooking and preparing meals during the week, I would still come home and clean and do the laundry, but my body is tired I feel myself breaking down. He has been on job interviews and stuff, but nothing ever comes through for him I make Du'aa he says he does too. I try to be supportive and tell him that with every trail comes ease and everything that I can remember to keep and increase my own Imaan. I am hurt because yesterday he called me at work to just talk and nearing the end of our conversation I said “so what's for dinner” and he got a little snappy saying "I don't know I am getting tired of cooking I'm gonna need you to start cooking".????? What????? I cook on the weekends because during the week I am so tired I can barley stand and most of the time if he did not cook I would not eat myself. I guess I am just feeling hurt because in two years I have not once said get up off your butt and get a job, you are suppose to support me, as much as I have wanted to I have not because I don't ever want to kick someone when their down especially my beloved. My heart is so torn my kafir relatives say get a divorce you are young you'll have no problem finding someone, but I told myself that when I get married that divorce was not an option. As you can see I am lost, hurt and confused. Above all I don't know what to do.

These things will happen regardless of who works and who stays at home.

Keep the marriage together.

If Allah has blessed you to get by without him working, I wouldnt make a big issue out of it. He obviously is doing his share by working at home.

Yes, it is his responsibility to provide for the family. However, if he hasnt got a job he cannot fulfill that responsibility and you have taken the responsibility on his behalf. And he has hence taken on other responsibilities important for maintaining a household. Since, he hasnt been able to find suitable work and you are charitable enough to make up for that, Allah grants you added blessing for your charity that takes the place of his unfulfilled responsibilities.

He is not a deadbeat, beer drinking, couch potato.

My advice is, while he is out of work (provided you can afford it financially), be gracious, follow through your charity with mercy, and be patient with the hardships that you are experiencing which are common in all relationships.

[Pro_Candy]

Jim, he's telling her that he's tired of cooking, and she needs to start cooking. How nice is that? He needs to put more effort into giving her the rights she deserves. She's working, holding up the fort, but clearly she's tired of the whole responsibility falling on her. He needs to stop freeloading, and get a job wherever possible. This is his wife, she should be more concerned with doing his job, rather than having her cook to feed him, when she's already the one bringing home the bread.

Yeah, keep the marriage together, all that good stuff. But, it takes two.