I do not prayer and am racked with guilt

[click]

dear all,

as the title says, i can only come to the conclusion that my heart is dieseased.

many times i have made intentions, but they are never carried out.

my life is stable, everything is well.

i already know that my guilt is something that stops me from being closer to God, i have to belive in myself that i can be a good muslim, reading even one prayer rather then none is better then anything for me.

i want to solve this problem i have had it as a very on going problem

i fear breaking down, and being vulnerble infront of God, i have no idea why, but i have found this out after much thoughts on my actions, it seems i build a wall, i do not want to be penetrated and appear weak. even infront of God, but the real issue is that i dont want to appear like this infront of myself........my mind is so, i become terribly cold. terribly terribly cold, and i wish my heart was soft, and kind and open to others. and open to myself.

i am not content with my nature, i am not content with my gender and the burdens it gives me. i rebel against it all. whislt committing no sins.....

but i lack in prayer and i am cold at heart......i know hell is my abode, it is very very rare when i feel soft at the egdes and i cry and i truely feel i am dependant on Allah, and that i had become so so ungrateful, it is derogatory of my nature.

i feel so comforted when i am feeling such feelings that truely, God is the only one for me in this world. he is the one that will take care of my soul and keep me safe till i die.

i cannot accept myself, i want no one to accept me, i outcast myself and punish myself in my thoughts.

i am an outsider in my family, an outsider in my religion, an outsider in my community, at work and uni...i have been so for ages...ever since i was young. and it is too late i never want to fit in....my whole nature is about not fitting in. i spit on fitting in like a jigsaw peice. i have no real friends, but pity me not, i enjoy my life better this way.

ive always kept myself to myself, never revealed myself to anyone, my opinions are void and unrecieved, i know God knows me inside and out, sometimes i fear to even feel and acknowledge this for fear of breaking down...but what do i fear? this person i have become? even asking forgiveness is empty when i say it in my verbal prayers, God what shall yea forgive me for? for the being i have become? but i know i will never change, even when i am reading my prayers, i shalll never change. my character is set, though i commit no sin, i shall always rebel against the little things, tough i commit no sin.

ive never had a connection with my mother, father, sister, brother. most of the i hate, though i am as wrong as them and they are as right as any human. see what i have become? you would avert your gaze

Allah, my lord, i am his willing slave, i am so unworthy, will he ever forgive me? please help me all brethren, any advise even if it may seem obvious, as it is i need reminding of my purpose on this earth, it has so happened that i cannot remember, or am too distracted to pay attention......inshallah i shall be healed

[LondonCalling]

i fear breaking down, and being vulnerble infront of God

The first thing that springs to mind is that Allah knows all, and if you believe that you have nothing to fear from being vunerable. You say you know it, but I guess there is a difference between knowing and believing. I think, as you point out yourself, you fear is of letting go your own control.

It sounds like you're punishing yourself for a lot more than your guilty of, and that's never a healthy thing, and the problem is you get stuck in a vicious cycle from which you are forever being overly hard upon yourself.

[yasmin20]

Dear my brother/sister in Islam,

It's been painful reading your posts, you feel so alone in this world yet you know Allah swt is with you,

It seems from what you have posted you're feeling guilty because you're not praying and that ' your guilt is something stops you from being close to Allah';
that something is nothing but Shaytaan , he is our enemy Allah swt has told us that shytaan is our worst enemy and it is him who is taking you away from Allah swt

Sometimes when we feel guilty of doing a crime/sin we will think to ourself I've already done it what more will happen if I do it again and this circle goes round and round and it doesnt end until you are ready for it to end.

From reading your post I didn't sense anything 'cold' coming from you at all infact I felt your desire to obey Allah swt and start doing your prayers?? That's what I think you were saying and that's what I have understood
you said you want to be open with yourself but have you realised that you are being open with yourself right now ....you are being open about how you are feeling and how it's making you feel right now you don't feel very good

You say you cannot accept yourself , it must be so difficult thinking like that about yourself , you feel left out by everyone /everything in your life

I will pray and make Dua for you so Allah swt can make it easier for you

You have to turn to Allah swt and ask HIM to help you, you have to hold firmly to Islam although you're feeling so weak hold onto it like anything
beg Allah to help you try taking small steps at a time, take one pray at a time, if one pray sounds like a huge task ask Allah you make you stronger and fight shaytaan coz this is what he wants , he wants to make us weak and make us feel like we are bad muslims, but don't listen to him , not at all once you make your intention make sure you know that shaytaan will try to lead you astray , he'll try to take you far away from you Salah

I wish Allah makes it easier for you my brother/sister in Islam.


Asalam alakium

[Wolfn]

Here's what you do.

On Friday, go to Jummah prayer at the masjid. When you step in the Masjid, reciet the shahada to yourself. Tell yourself that you are now reverting back to Islam. Alhumdillah, it's a fresh start. After you receit that shahada, don't miss a single salaat. Read the Qu'ran 5 mins a day. Not a minute more or less. Go to the Masjid regularly, and don't miss any Jummahs. Get really involved as a Muslim, and your iman will increase and you will become a better Muslim, inshallah. And Allah (SWT) knows best. :up:

[`asiya]

:salams please take a look at these threads there is some very good advice given there, better than anything i could say please take time to read it insha Allah and ask Allah ta ala to heal your heart and bring u closer to remeberance and worship of Him ta ala

The prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam told us that Allah ta ala says what means, If My servant comes near Me one hand-span I come near him one cubit. If he comes near Me one cubit I come near him an arm's length. If he comes to Me walking, I come to him running."

stumbling from the path and how to return to it insha Allah :)

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134803

train yourself up against your desires :up:

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=152330

Enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=149746

Ten usless matters

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=138400

It is obligatory to obey Allah ta ala and his messenger salAllahu alleyhi wa salam

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=149752

[the_middle_road]

Allah, my lord, i am his willing slave, i am so unworthy, will he ever forgive me?

Your sins can never compare with His Mercy.




قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنْفُسِهِمْ لا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ



Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
(39: 53)

[click]

Here's what you do.

On Friday, go to Jummah prayer at the masjid. When you step in the Masjid, reciet the shahada to yourself. Tell yourself that you are now reverting back to Islam. Alhumdillah, it's a fresh start. After you receit that shahada, don't miss a single salaat. Read the Qu'ran 5 mins a day. Not a minute more or less. Go to the Masjid regularly, and don't miss any Jummahs. Get really involved as a Muslim, and your iman will increase and you will become a better Muslim, inshallah. And Allah (SWT) knows best. :up:your post made me into tears, thoug very brief, i never cry, i just feel its extreme sensations, as i repress the stupidity of it all. Such fickle ways.

this is what i need to do, i need to think as if i am a new muslim, if i continue to think myself as a bad muslim who needs to do better i will be going round in circles, and never improve.

i am no muslim, but by name.

all your posts have helped, at least i am being heard, this anonamous section is a light to my heart as none know me, for the nice user who has requested i pm her/him, i cannot and will not, i realy dont want to make a connection, even though i desire it. ive never known it, and i swear i shall never make it, so that i never gain it. it is just my nature, to never have or give myself anything that i desire or have a need of especially if it is fickle in nature. and this is fickle as it is about me.

i guess like the first poster did say i am against myself more then anything. sometimes i think this keeps me on my toes.

but clearly i need to depend on Allah first and foremost before i do anything else.

i am not healed at all......time will tell. but i certainly will make an effort. somethine small

exposing my heart to Allah is like, its humiliating, but then its not, its certainly not easy if anything! i will need to go back to basics in islam. i shall certainly go to jummah and feel as if i am a new person, and say my shahada, and hopefullly make a heart felt connection. using smething inside of me, some atom that will be warm. some peice of me that really want to change

how can i blame satan, it is indeed the small sins that will kill me, but missing my prayers is hardly a small sin, i have gone too far in my thoughts somewhere, i jumped a fence, and lost my mindset, the type of mindset that keeps you within safe boundaries, i have lost them.....i just know i am not innocent.

it is too easy to blame satan i cannot even compliement satan by admitting such a thing.

[anabas26]

Dear sister do not despair.

Recently I have been going through quite a stressful time and have felt lonely, unhappy and didnt know who to turn to. Like yourself I hardly ever pray unless it's Ramadan even then it's hit or miss. However few days ago I decided i needed to make some serious changes in my life and started praying to Allah for guidance and making an extra effort in praying when I wake up and before going to bed. I do not perform all my salah but i'm trying. To give me that extra push, I ask my mum to give me a shout when it is prayer time. I feel a lot more peaceful.

I can honestly tell you it is liberating to lay your soul bare in front of Allah to seek penance.

Please do not feel you have no one turn to. If you are feeling low seek help from a supportive friend or family member. However if you feel you have no one to turn to seek advice from your GP who could put you in touch with relevant agencies.

I wish you all the happiness.

[PRANA]

Bro I understand- I just wanted to give you advice and in an anonymous way. Not a friendship just advice as I know someone who went through the same.

watch this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvuXHA4VoXs

Anyway I will pray for you.

Peace and respect your way.

[click]

Dear sister do not despair.

Recently I have been going through quite a stressful time and have felt lonely, unhappy and didnt know who to turn to. Like yourself I hardly ever pray unless it's Ramadan even then it's hit or miss. However few days ago I decided i needed to make some serious changes in my life and started praying to Allah for guidance and making an extra effort in praying when I wake up and before going to bed. I do not perform all my salah but i'm trying. To give me that extra push, I ask my mum to give me a shout when it is prayer time. I feel a lot more peaceful.

I can honestly tell you it is liberating to lay your soul bare in front of Allah to seek penance.

Please do not feel you have no one turn to. If you are feeling low seek help from a supportive friend or family member. However if you feel you have no one to turn to seek advice from your GP who could put you in touch with relevant agencies.

I wish you all the happiness.i have read all my prayers today, some of them were khaza.

i feel so content but i am very sad

it is indeed true that i do not have someone to turn to from my family nor a friend.

but i dont care, im just going to deal with it on my own, i always have.

i will also follow your plan, brother, i am going to read my prayer when i wake, and before i sleep....it is better then reading non at all which is the way i am.

before i sleep is the worst time, when i realise that i have been a terrible muslim, i cant even ask god forgiveness because i know, its just bad.

thanks for your post. its nice to know im not the only one, and when i do read my prayer ill think of you too, as you gave me some piece of mind

prayer from the heart is indeed a great thing, it would make one cry. i wish all my prayers are as sweet and genuine as they were today

eid mubarak

[dhakiyya]

On judgement day there will be two types of people - sinners and repentant sinners.

You need to be a repentant sinner. No-one is free from sin... the one who sins and does not repent is in a far far far worse position than you are sister... and they don't even know it.

A good piece of practical advice - if you don't live in a Muslim country where you can hear the adhan for each prayer... get an adhan clock - that way you get a reminder when its time to pray. Might not seem like much but in my experience (I'm a revert) it helped a LOT mashaAllah.

[`asiya]

:jkk: good idea sis dhakiyya, u can download it on your computer here too.

http://www.islamicfinder.org/athanDownload.php

[PRANA]

i have read all my prayers today, some of them were khaza.

i feel so content but i am very sad

it is indeed true that i do not have someone to turn to from my family nor a friend.

but i dont care, im just going to deal with it on my own, i always have.



Dear person,

Watch this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvuXHA4VoXs

God is all we need in this world-when it comes down to it we all have to make it on our own!!!


With sincerity comes true peace and happiness...believe in the good in you and step by step and act by act your heart will melt and no longer be numb and then you will feel alive again...

May God always guide you towards the path of light.

Take good care of yourself.

[ummbilal]

yes its hard to ignore the athan in your ears calling u to salah.

[Suliman]

I feel sad that I relate to many of the things you have said. The best advise I can give you from experience is stay close to those that are good for you, trust me when I say that they are your path to heaven and don't wrap yourself up in guilt, this can eat away at you from the inside like a virus.

You just need to focus on the good aspects rather than the bad. Also take a step at a time. Something is better than nothing after all.

Also if you can get into a state of prayer at least once a day and make up all your lost prayers for that day then. After a while you will start doing more on time insha Allah. Then good habits will take over the bad and you will get into a routine.

I don't claim for any of this to be the best advise, but I do insha Allah hope it will help you find your way.

Take good care, asalaamu alikum