View Full Version : Sister in Need
Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahi wabarakatu
I came across this forum when i was searching for advice on issues regarding marriage. not sure if this is the right place to go but anyway here goes.
I am a young muslim sister 18 yrs of age. Alhamdulilah my parents are both practising and i am aswell. However i want to get married as soon as possible for the main islamic reasons, i.e. completing the other half of my deen and preventing fitna and haram. My parents have seem to forgotten what its like to be young and fail to understand how difficult it is to maitain modesty in this society. well i feel that way anyway. I have many freinds and very few practise islam and still they make mistakes which i wouldnt classify as small ones. Im finding it difficult to distract myself and listen to my parents who wish for me to complete my A levels and then a degree and in the mean time wait for someone to just magicali turn up with a magnificint profile. I have no major plans for education and no career plans, i am demotivated to continue with studying as i see no support from their side my problem. i have been very open and made it clear that why i want to get married and how i see it islamicaly my right. i understand that u must b pateint for the right one too come, but in the mean time im praying and fasting to refrain from bad acts. however i have been waitin for over a year and people do come for me only my dad is picking on little faults as if he doesnt want me to gett married becus he thinks im young. yes my parents may no me better than ino myself, but as i am the youngest i feel his jujment is slightly biased, i have suggested practical issues i.e. using islamic marriage sites but hes insisting on me holding on to this 4ever lastin pateince. I have had bad experince in the past and think that marriage is the best way and only way forward for me to carry on with improving my deen. I really dont no what to anymore and this issue is affecting my life, my studies everthing. So please does anyone have any logical explanations or advice ?!
Wa'alaikum Salaam,
Sister, firstly have you considered if marriage is a feasible solution for you in total? If you are studying right now, yet are being distracted by your social surroundings or by your natural instincts to want a partner, and thus marriage, then you do realise there is the big possibility of getting pregnant. Have you considered that?
Just make sure that you are ready for whatever comes along with the package, because it isn't a ticket to complete satisfaction in life. Sometimes our feelings of anxiety or impatience can heighten our need and act illogically; I speak from knowing many young people who rush into marriage, similar to your age and situation and they usually regret it.
In the mean time you should consider short-term solutions to satisfy your needs, have other distractions. Try to find practising sisters, go to a Masjid with a female presence and just use your time up in the company of friends and interests rather than thinking of the opposite gender.
RashidD
15-11-07, 12:36 AM
May ALLAH (Azzawajall) put barakah in all your halaal endeavours, ameen. I commend you on this noble line of thinking MashaALLAH.
As for advice, i am unsure of what to say. More later InshaALLAH.
any older siblings? younger ones that ur close to? friends who are close to ur mom? i got my friends to talk to my mom about how badly i wanted a horse-drawn carriage at my wedding...
but ya, get someone you trust to talk to ur mom at least. and make sure to focus and put lots of emphasis on wat happens to young people wen they dont get married and start "wandering"...... hopefully ur parents will see the other side of things.
You are only 18 sis. You have so much of life ahead of you. What is the rush ?
Take it from someone who is older. Your parents have seen more of life than you. They want only whats best for you.
My advice is to complete your A-levels atleast. And do a degree too. I guess you could get engaged in the meantime. But i wouldnt rush things.
The prophet (saw) advised the youth to get married, if they had the means to. You are 18, unless you marry someone considerbly older you will only be marrying a student yourself, who will not have the means to support you.
After the inital 'honeymoon' period marriage is alot of work and effort. Stresses of not being financially secure, maturity of mind etc, will only add to the work & effort.
PiElle2
15-11-07, 01:57 AM
completing half your deen doesn't mean just "getting married". it's about staying in a marriage for the rest of your life, there is a lot of hard work and responsibilites that goes with it. because it's hard work, therefore, those who persevere in it are commendable, as if completing half their deen. so finding a suitable partner is very important. look long term, not short term.
make the effort to occupy your time doing others things besides "thinking" of wanting to get married.
eg. study the responsibilites of being wife and mother... understanding muslim men, hopefully that might help to put you off marriage for a while... LOL
however, there are people who start family very young and if that's really what you want and ready, pray and Allah will give you the best!
:)
ASSLAM AKLAIKUM,
sister barakALLAH hu feeki......sister i am very glade that u wanna get marry and wanna complete ur deen and wanna sfe ur self from bad things...sister ur and mine r same...i also wanna marry but my parets think that i am very small...and my mom dont even want me to marry coz she says that stay with me.....and i want to marry just 4 islam nothing more...i am also studing .......i saw many small girl in my age got marry just NIKKAH..and during it they study and their husband protect them from any bad thing coz there is many fitnah out there and when they get 20 their husband took them home......but sister u have to be patience and make duaa from ALLAH ..indeed he will help u coz u wanna protect ur chastity.......u have to make dua..nothing will happen like this...if in ur destiny ALLAH put marriage in this age then surely u will get marry now.....c its up to kadar too.....may be ALLAH is taking test from u..........so u have to make duaa and be patience.................and wait 4 the time when ALLAH want u to get marry...........sister always remeber (KUL SHAI LAHU KISMA WA NASEEB)..
may ALLAH accept ur prayer,
ameen.
WASSALAM.
.: Anna :.
15-11-07, 07:46 AM
insha allah sis just keep talking to your parents about this to try to get them to understand, probably best if you try to get ur mum to see and then she can talk to your dad, or if you have an older sister try getting her to understand your point of view then she can convince your mum and being older they might listen. its nothing wrong what u are asking from them, and 18 is not too young for marriage - masha allah it is a good age.
if people are coming for you and ur dad is picking small faults, can i ask like what kind of faults is it? because if its something silly then from islam its not right for him to do that. of course they want the best for you but if they are rejecting based on nonsense reasons then its not giving the guy a chance or giving you a chance. insha allah they need to made to understand that. there is hadith about this, along the lines that if a good muslim man comes to marry your daughter and she agrees, and you reject him although there is nothing wrong with his character, fitnah will spread in the land because of that... i paraphrased it insha allah if someone knows where to copy a proper translation they could add it to the thread and maybe you can take it and show ur mum just to make that point..
but still meanwhile keep on with what you are doing, praying, fasting, keeping away from haraam, and keep ur self busy in good like with good company and do concentrate in your school work aswell because maybe that is important to your parents and if you show them you are responsible in that they will take you more seriously for the marriage. you really need to show them in all aspects of your behaviour that you are not a kid anymore and that you are ready for marriage and that you can handle it insha allah. Also make a lot of dua, because that is a very powerful tool and it will have an effect even if you don't see it immediately. You can also use this time while you are waiting to find someone, to read about marriage like the role of a wife and what are your duties and responsibilities, and focus on trying to improve yourself as much as possible to enable yourself to fulfil that role to your best ability.
At 18, you haven't seen enough of life. When you are young it is easy to view life through rose-tinted glasses. We think that we have fully developed in every way when we have a lot to learn in fact. Marriage comes with a lot of responsibility sis. A lot more responsibility than being a student. I would advise you to complete your A-level at least, and then decide what you want to do. You don't want to regret missing out on your education in years to come. You can also go to university and get married too. Some university students are married, and some even have children.
.: Anna :.
15-11-07, 08:18 AM
I don't understand how at 18 someone "hasn't seen enough of life" to get married :confused:, she can still see some more of life just with a husband :scratch: its not like you get married and that is it - life is now over..
in Islam its encouraged to get married young and if someone wants to do that with the right intention we should not try to discourage them insha Allah... and it doesn't have to mean an end to education either if people want that they can work something out, but its not everyone's priority to go to uni.
Anyway i just want to say 18 is not too young! you won't miss out on anything because of it. I got married at that age and I dont have regrets about it, and my husband was 19 and he also doesnt have regrets about it, and we have friends who got married at a similar age and they also don't have regrets about it. At 18 your not a kid, if someone feels ready for marriage there is no reason to delay that just for the sake of getting a bit older before they get married. If you get married a bit younger you have time to relax a bit before having kids if you want to. Plus there are a lot of benefits in it, if you are at uni or something and u are married it will protect u from falling into bad habits of freemixing etc like some people do, or even if your not in uni its a protection from fitnah
mansoor36
15-11-07, 08:28 AM
Assalaam Aleykum Warahmatullah,
Dear Sister, the problem that you are having is being faced by many of the muslims who wish to practise islam but its not easy in this corrupted society. At the teenage is the most difficult age, thats why prophet said among the people who will be in Allah's shade Yawmal Qiyamah, Shaabun nashaa fi ibadati rabbihi. You get frustrated, you get excited, and sometimes if you are not guided you fall into a trap of Shaitan. You see all your friends having boyfriends/girlfriends, they go out, they go to discos, all sorts of shaitaan things, your nafs wants to do it, yet you believe in Allah, how can you do it ? You get the urge, you fight with your nafs and its not easy. What you should do ? You want to get married, your parents say you are not ready, what can you do ?
Dear Sister, life is not as straight as it used to be, our older sisters got married at that age, there were lot of sincere muslims out there who are not easy to get nowadays, before you could get married, and you depend on your husband 100% and nobody else, and everybody knew their responsibility, its not the same anymore.
As my younger sister, I would advise you to continue studying, but islam should guide you, focus on your education only, study islam also, study how to become better wife, better mother, read Fiqh, read islamic history, read Haidth, read Quran and be a better muslim, and make a plan for your life, don't rush. Be prepared for the worst, what if you have to earn your bread, what if your husband gets sick and he can't work any more, what if the finances are bad and both of you have to work to sustain your kids, what if your husband dies or he leaves you (god forbid), and you have to stand on your own ? Explore all the angles, and be prepared for all the situations. Prophet says " La aqla kattadbiir", Planning is the most important thing, when you have done all that, leave the rest for Allah and let him guide you...
I don't understand how at 18 someone "hasn't seen enough of life" to get married :confused:, she can still see some more of life just with a husband :scratch: its not like you get married and that is it - life is now over..
in Islam its encouraged to get married young and if someone wants to do that with the right intention we should not try to discourage them insha Allah... and it doesn't have to mean an end to education either if people want that they can work something out, but its not everyone's priority to go to uni.
Anyway i just want to say 18 is not too young! you won't miss out on anything because of it. I got married at that age and I dont have regrets about it, and my husband was 19 and he also doesnt have regrets about it, and we have friends who got married at a similar age and they also don't have regrets about it. At 18 your not a kid, if someone feels ready for marriage there is no reason to delay that just for the sake of getting a bit older before they get married. If you get married a bit younger you have time to relax a bit before having kids if you want to. Plus there are a lot of benefits in it, if you are at uni or something and u are married it will protect u from falling into bad habits of freemixing etc like some people do, or even if your not in uni its a protection from fitnah
Mashaallah. Well I think that everybody is different. I'm 20 and I don't think that I'm ready for marriage. Everyone wants to get married of course, and live happily ever after, but I know that there's so much I need to do before I get married (realistically). It's nice being independent and studying and not having to share your time with someone else, as selfish as that might sound. I also think that I'm immature for my age lol I don't know when I'll snap out of this immaturity but 24 is not a bad age to get hitched me thinks.
salam
reali hapy with all the feedbak i got
first and foremost i dont want to continue in ma education i dnt wnt to go to uni n get adegree n if i do il do it part time, i have condisred bein pregnant and tht is wht i want neway i dont think im too young n dont agree with the mentalilty of u have ur life ahed of u.. u cud die at ne moment in time. hu said marriage wus restricting fun?
yes i have older siblings hu got married early and are very happy mashallah
i liked the idea of keepin maself busy by bein islamicaly active .. havent read al the posts yet properli
salam
reali hapy with all the feedbak i got
first and foremost i dont want to continue in ma education i dnt wnt to go to uni n get adegree n if i do il do it part time, i have condisred bein pregnant and tht is wht i want neway i dont think im too young n dont agree with the mentalilty of u have ur life ahed of u.. u cud die at ne moment in time. hu said marriage wus restricting fun?
yes i have older siblings hu got married early and are very happy mashallah
i liked the idea of keepin maself busy by bein islamicaly active .. havent read al the posts yet properli
subahnALLAH ukhti...jazakALLAH khair.................i am very proud that u in this way u will extend muslims and inshaALLAH i hope that u would able to give ur children islamic studies and able to make them muttaqi and able to make them mujahideen in this way they will serve deen and help muslims....
may ALLAH provide u with muttaqi children and loving and caring husband
and give u jannah 4 ur decision,
ameen.
.: Anna :.
15-11-07, 06:33 PM
^ aameen
dunya_or_akhira
15-11-07, 06:42 PM
SubhanAllah the sister wants to get married to safe her from Fitnah and has already suggested a bad experience in the past...i dont think you should deter her because this is her right and 18 isnt young for a female!!
waslam to u all
I cnt beleiv im speaking to people like this, its maken me feel normal. people were telling me i wus imature n childish to want to get married at an early age and tht my intentions wertn pure and throwing my life away 4 a man etc etc and i hated all the negative vibes i was gettin and was slwoly starting to think maybe im the problem and sumthin is rong with me. but yes it is my right to get married and uno allah nos the best 4 us all, but its the must frustrating crisis ii have ever been thru altho im much 2 yung 2 have gone thru nethin yet but neway im finding it a reali difficult test 4rm allah and just cannot be more direct and open with my parents than i already have been, i think my onli solution is sabr, n keepin maself active.
has ne1 here actualli been or knwn sum1 a gurl tht has been thru this?
To Annaa
salam sister, jus wanted to tell u that i have read loads of books on modesty, marriage, etc n highlighted evrthin tht supports my argument and right to be married and showed both my parents but they just dont aknowledge it, n its reali weird cus ther both V. practising n have alwais brought is up islamicali,bt now when the time i need them most to support my decision and help me with my deen ther just backing out for the 1st time evr n choosin materialistic things over islam i..e goin to uni b4 marriage n gettin a a big time degree. I mean hu sed nefin abt marriage stoppin tht, ino sisters married that are stil studyinn/workin .... im so frustrtaed with the way there thinkin ryt nw
.: Anna :.
15-11-07, 07:09 PM
waslam to u all
I cnt beleiv im speaking to people like this, its maken me feel normal. people were telling me i wus imature n childish to want to get married at an early age and tht my intentions wertn pure and throwing my life away 4 a man etc etc and i hated all the negative vibes i was gettin and was slwoly starting to think maybe im the problem and sumthin is rong with me. but yes it is my right to get married and uno allah nos the best 4 us all, but its the must frustrating crisis ii have ever been thru altho im much 2 yung 2 have gone thru nethin yet but neway im finding it a reali difficult test 4rm allah and just cannot be more direct and open with my parents than i already have been, i think my onli solution is sabr, n keepin maself active.
has ne1 here actualli been or knwn sum1 a gurl tht has been thru this?
Yes sister i know people who have been through similar, in getting married in that age and you do find at first parents don't take it seriously but when you persist in telling them of ur intention to get married, eventually they do listen and take it seriously especially if u can show them a mature attitude. If you just say it to them once or twice they might think its just a passing idea they don't realise your need for that is great, but in repetition they do get the idea. But obviously tell them in a respectful way, if they get annoyed with it then leave it for that time and go back again at another time and try again, and make dua regularly for Allah to make it easy for u to pursue marriage for His pleasure...
It can be difficult as sometimes parents take a bit of persuading when they regard you as too young, especially for the youngest in the family they can regard as a baby even though you are not.. cos for them you are still the baby, but try to reassure their concerns and insha Allah they will get used to the idea and they will accept it, and you will be able to get married. As you said your sisters also married young you shouldn't have as much difficulty with your parents insha Allah because they are fairly accustomed to that? I understand you can feel shy to be open with parents about your wish to get married, but just try to talk with mum, it doesn't have to be done in an embarrassing way
.: Anna :.
15-11-07, 07:13 PM
To Annaa
salam sister, jus wanted to tell u that i have read loads of books on modesty, marriage, etc n highlighted evrthin tht supports my argument and right to be married and showed both my parents but they just dont aknowledge it, n its reali weird cus ther both V. practising n have alwais brought is up islamicali,bt now when the time i need them most to support my decision and help me with my deen ther just backing out for the 1st time evr n choosin materialistic things over islam i..e goin to uni b4 marriage n gettin a a big time degree. I mean hu sed nefin abt marriage stoppin tht, ino sisters married that are stil studyinn/workin .... im so frustrtaed with the way there thinkin ryt nw
oh okay i see, have you thought maybe they just feel reluctant for you to get married as you are one of their younger ones (or youngest?) and they feel sad for you to go so they are like making excuses because of that?
or have your sisters not got married before graduating? insha allah explain them that you can do both studying and marriage... and if they want you to go to uni, atleast they can start looking and considering more about finding someone for marriage, and meanwhile you can be in the course, and then if you find someone suitable in that time you can do the marriage and just finish the degree aswell insha Allah? have you got any friends who are in uni and married? or know any girls in your community? because you could show some examples for your parents and maybe they will feel more comfy about it. I was married all through uni and it was fine alhamdulillah, didnt make much of a problem
muhammed_1428
15-11-07, 08:05 PM
Salaamu Alaykum
My opinion is that its good you are thinking about marriage at this earlier age and your intentions to satisfy certain criteria in regards to your deen are all good intentions, there is no problem here.
However, you have to understand that you shouldn't do too much to go against what your parents may want for you, I'm not saying you should nod your head and do everything they ask "acha ok daddy" but, I'm sure if you're an intelligent person with a lot of potential they'd be upset to see that you're not using this God-given talent to realise your potential, surely you want to have some sort of a career and there are many careers out there which help you exercise your deen in a much stronger way (e.g. teacher, doctor/nurse, councillor, lawyer etc)
Please don't let this affect you're A-level studies, of course, they won't be there to help you on The Day of Judgement, but they will stick with you in this dunya, and may help you to achieve more in this dunya which in turn may help you more in the aakhira Inshallah.
When you asked about someone whose been through the same thing - Well here I am!
Sister, in my situation, the proposed other half's parents had many problems with me, which I won't go into, but at the end of the day I thought "you know what, I'm not going to be the person to get in between someone and their parents - especially if the relationship they have with them is excellent Mashalla". Now she has gone off to complete her degree, and here I am working to complete mine, and Inshallah Allah SWT will bless us both with something better than we thought we could have had with each other - Allahu Alim.
So now I'm focusing on my final year, looking to build myself a good career and establish a good position within myself, certainly it will be hard but if the end result means I'll be in a more comfortable position with my wife-to-be then Inshallah it'll be worth every second.
You seem very attracted by the prospect of being married at this age, but what if you do decide to get married, and, God forbid, something happens 5 years later resulting in a divorce? What will you have to 'fall back on' as it were? To pick yourself up etc, don't you fear you'll be even more demotivated then?
Have a good, looong talk with you're siblings, especially regarding yourself being pregnant, because as you may know this is certainly a (SUPER DUPER) life-changing experience, and Mashallah if you feel you can complete a degree part-time in this state then do so, but just please take a good long think about your intentions, and ensure they are all seen as plausible and will please Allah SWT - in other words do Istikhara!
Salaamu Alaykum
P.S. Quickly editing cos' I saw this quote from Muhammed SAW on another part of the forum which Inshallah will help you with your studies:
'' Its a duty upon every muslim to seek knowledge from cradle to the grave ''
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