How to talk to her?

[Sulaiman Harun]

:start:

:salams

:alhumdull

After submitting a post in the thread, I got two ThabarakAllah great responses from sister A_Muminah and brother ImaanSeeker and here they are respectively:

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2229834&postcount=47

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2229844&postcount=48

So, in this type of situation or any similar one, how should the husband talk to her wife? I mean in what manner? What are the do's and don't's?
(p.s. as quite a few people think I want to get married, this is NOT for me!)
:jkk:

[(*_Hamzah]

Great advice from the above post.

Your question, how to talk to a wife, first you need a translator and the second is a wallet filled with dollars

[Sulaiman Harun]

which language translator is required brother?

money is not a problem! <smiles>

[(*_Hamzah]

which language translator is required brother?

money is not a problem! <smiles>

:rotfl:

Seriosly akhi, to your wife as if she is your mother, treat her like if she is in old age. :)

[Sulaiman Harun]

then I have to respect her <frowns>

[nomoreillusions]

How to talk to your wife...


1. Don't interrupt her after 3 words to tell her she's wrong. Wait until she's finished speaking to reply (so you can realize you're wrong. :p )

2. If she's stating an opinion, she has a right to that opinion. Don't tell her she's wrong just because you disagree with it, but perhaps discuss the issue/situation and see if you both can come to a better understanding of each other's views. In the end, you don't have to share the same opinion on everything.

3. If she tells you to slow down, bloody well do it cause I guarentee in the next 2 seconds a cop will flip a U-y and pull your butt over for going 11 over the speed limit because you didn't listen to her tell you to slow down. grrrr.

4. When (most) women speak they want you to understand all the details of how they got to where they're going, whether it's a story or a problem or what, because they feel that'll help you give a better response to them. Let them. Trying to make them skip all those parts to "get to the point" will only frustrate her because (most) women's verbal communication tendancies are towards details.

5. Don't yell. We hate that. You are an adult, you are capable of speaking in a calm and rational manner.

6. Don't patronize. We hate that more. We are adults too.

7. Even if you don't agree or decide not to take our advice, tell us you at least understood and appreciated our position but you've decided to _______ instead.

8. If you know you aren't going to take our advice, just don't bother asking in the first place. Saves us both a lot of frustrations.


Oh and 9. "Uh huh" is not an appropriate response to an 'either/or' question.

[carol_au]

yes akhi you do have to respect her cos first and foremost before she is your wife she is your sister in Islam and there are countless ayats that talk of how you should treat fellow believers.

In the end when you stand before Allah .. it's just you and Him.. so when you deal with your wife and what you believe is good for her deen and obedience to Allah you must first ask your self why you want her to wear niqaab.

Be very honest with yourself and then find the evidence to support your opinion. Treat it as you would any other discussion on emaan or deen. Show her why you think it is better for her and listen carefully to her reasons why she doesn't want to ( and don't assume that just because she says no initially that she is completely against the idea.. you maybe surprised.. she might be open to the idea and just need your encouragement and support.)

Once you find out her reasons for not wanting to wear niqaab deal with them quietly and yes respectfully. Remember you are her leader, not her dictator. Ultimately yes she has a responsibility to obey you, but oneday she may also be your accuser if you don't handle the situation in the way a good leader would.

Don't let it become the only thing in your mind when you relate to her so that you talk of nothing else. Your marriage is more important than if she wears niqaab or not. If it was an issue before your marriage, you should have told her that you expected her to wear niqaab, so if this is something you are now becoming convinced is correct for your wife, then remember she needs to learn that conviction as well. Give her the time she needs and love her as you share with her the things you have learned that have led you to ask her to make what potentially may be for her an "enormous" life changing event.

In the end you'll both be winners and not losers insha Allah

[Abandoned-Mind]

I hate people who use their hands to talk... I hate people who throw in words/terms from other languages in their sentences.... I hate people who go on and on..

Yet there is always one who gets through the net :-@

You'll manage mate.

[bint]

i hate people who are verbally/mentally/physically violent.

some people play with ure mind. and it really is abusive!

anyhow thats kinda offtopic.

dont force her. show her the benefits of niqab.

i enjoy wearin niqab now. my sis says to me. 'will u never take it off?' and i say 'hell no!' its something i can always hold onto and something i will never let go of inshaAllah :love:

[niqaabi_muslima]

Asalamulykum,

Be gentle with her...Like everyone has said show her the benefits of observing niqaab and the benefits of listening and obeying your husband...

Don’t be harsh and force her to do something rather be kind and encouraging.

I know this sister who wears niqqab but didnt wear the gloves...Now her hubbby believed she should and tried convincing her...Masha'Allah the advice he gave made that difference.. He explained how he didn’t want ppl to see any part of her since she was precious to him...And how her hands are attractive etc... At first she was reluctant but now alhamdulilah she is fully geared up all the time!! masha'Allah...

Use wisdom.. imitate the prophets (peace be upon him) character and u cant go wrong insha'Allah..

[fisabilllillah]

mashallah.....i think the siter above has given great advice...i was gonna say the same thing.....

i think it is also important to see your wives/wife as women....a whole diff kind of species cos men r pretty different too......and so u need a completely diff approach to your wife....firstly you love her fisabillilah and alaways u remind her u love her fisabillilah:inlove:...so then whatever u desire for her, she will understand that it is for the love of fisabillilah and not from the whims and desires of man or control freak husband. Tell her to make a decision but that ultimate decision will protect her from the punishment from allah and it is obedience to allah.

When you apprach your wife....rememeber this:

and i think the menfolk need to be reminded of this more often.Women r different, Sometimes men can be real insensitive:

women are like a rib...if u leave it, it will remain crooked but if u are harsh straighten it completely, it will break.....

so seek the middle way and use the quran and sunnah as your guide.......:up:

[Abandoned-Mind]

If you ever go east where in some places, beating women isn't frowned upon/illegal...

Go for it bro.:up:

[bint]

If you ever go east where in some places, beating women isn't frowned upon/illegal...

Go for it bro.:up:
are you being serious??!

[Sulaiman Harun]

he's just kidding!

[bint]

he's just kidding!
lol-cant blame me, never know some people.

[Joha]

women are like a rib...if u leave it, it will remain crooked but if u are harsh straighten it completely, it will break.....



I'm surprised more of the sisters on the forum aren't getting annoyed, they're all calling you crooked!

Where is this stupid idea that women were created from a rib coming from? (Other than Judaeo-Christian mythology?)

[niqaabi_muslima]

Astugfiruallah I suggest you research before you start name calling 'ideas' stupid.

Abu Hurairah (ra) relates that the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: Treat women kindly. Woman has been created from a rib and the most crooked part of the rib is the uppermost. f you try to straighten it, you will break it and if you leave it, alone, it will remain crooked. So treat women kindly. (Bukhari and Muslim)

[Sulaiman Harun]

what happened?

[bint]

joha. before calling it stupid. do some research ;)

[Sulaiman Harun]

Where is this stupid idea that women were created from a rib coming from? (Other than Judaeo-Christian mythology?)

it is from a sahih/hasan hadith mister!

[niqaabi_muslima]

Honestly some people really need to control their mouths.

[Joha]

joha. before calling it stupid. do some research ;)

Hehe, I did.

Me suggests everybody else go and do some research on that hadith, and find out what it really means, perhaps even in Arabic - instead of constantly quoting and literally reading the English translation.

I did deliberately call it stupid, hoping to get somebody to give me a different reference, one that I may have missed! But I guess not.

Thanks niqaabi_muslima for the posting the hadith though!

[bint]

joha explain how u understood the ahadith or the text?

im intrigued.

[Sulaiman Harun]

hey Joha here you go read the hadith with explanation:

http://www.understanding-islam.com/related/text.asp?type=question&qid=668&sscatid=91

[Joha]

hey Joha here you go read the hadith with explanation:

http://www.understanding-islam.com/related/text.asp?type=question&qid=668&sscatid=91

Oh cool, just read that, that's exactly what I meant! Note that the writer does say he has doubts that it is referring to 'creation'.

If you look back, I was referring to the creation from a rib as being ridiculous, not the analogy.

joha explain how u understood the ahadith or the text?

im intrigued.

I would, but can't be bothered anymore. That link that bro Sulaiman's given says it quite well, although it could have had more detail.

[Raziel]

which language translator is required brother?

money is not a problem! <smiles>

Brother Moneeb, you loaded already?!!! :eek:

How come you havent married yet? :outta:

:jkk:

[fisabilllillah]

double post

[fisabilllillah]

I'm surprised more of the sisters on the forum aren't getting annoyed, they're all calling you crooked!

Where is this stupid idea that women were created from a rib coming from? (Other than Judaeo-Christian mythology?)

so was mines not an analogy then? i actually remeber recalling it from hadith,,,,though it wasnt word for word......im so eager to know akhi....who is calling me crooked?

[dunya_or_akhira]

I'm surprised more of the sisters on the forum aren't getting annoyed, they're all calling you crooked!

Where is this stupid idea that women were created from a rib coming from? (Other than Judaeo-Christian mythology?)

your avatar pic reflects what you need to do before you riddicule a hadith from the prophet pbuh

[fisabilllillah]

Oh cool, just read that, that's exactly what I meant! Note that the writer does say he has doubts that it is referring to 'creation'.

If you look back, I was referring to the creation from a rib as being ridiculous, not the analogy.



I would, but can't be bothered anymore. That link that bro Sulaiman's given says it quite well, although it could have had more detail.

joha i acrually remember reading it from the marriage series books by mushammad al jibali...i do my research before i open my mouth actually.....its from fragile vessels...i advise u read it before u even think about getting married.....

ill quote from it:

Understading the woman's different bent rib nature....

When a women makes a mistake, her husband should maintain patience and kindness, realizing that some of wat may appear mistakes is probably not so....The prophet saw indicated that the woman hawwa was originally created from the man;s (adam's) rib. By nature the rib is bent. Thus the womens nature will not totally coincide with mens cos there is a bend between them.It may be equally tru to say that from a woman's view point that there is a bend in a mans nature, which means his actions will never completely coincide with her....and the above mtnioned hadith is qouted by muslim and bukahri....and it commentates on hadith......i recommend u buy this book.


The Fragile Vessels by Muhammad Al Jibaly

[Joha]

your avatar pic reflects what you need to do before you riddicule a hadith from the prophet pbuh

Whatever, go back and read what I said. I didn't ridicule the hadith, I ridiculed the notion that women were created from a rib.

ps: like I haven't heard that joke before.

[dunya_or_akhira]

Muhammad Al Jibaly has excellent books

[Joha]

joha i acrually remember reading it from the marriage series books by mushammad al jibali...i do my research before i open my mouth actually.....its from fragile vessels...i advise u read it before u even think about getting married.....


Lol, Jazaki Allah for that, although I'm afraid it has nothing to do with what I was ridiculing, commenting on.

Your analogy wasn't ridiculous, as I said earlier, the idea of 'creation' was.

[fisabilllillah]

Whatever, go back and read what I said. I didn't ridicule the hadith, I ridiculed the notion that women were created from a rib.

read muhammad al jibaly books please....fragile vessels...buy it online..its real good

[niqaabi_muslima]

I apologise for being rude in that case...next tym bro u should be more clearer thou

[Enigma Dreamer]

First bro, it is good to understand that some of the scholars believe that Niqaab is not compulsory. So, she could be following some of those, different from you. So, there is no way you can force her. The best thing would be to give her the evidences, be gentle to her and try to convince her to realise that the evidence here are stronger and hopefully, she will accept. But at no time should you force her to wear niqaab against her will for it will be counter-productive in my view.

[Enigma Dreamer]

Joha, please be careful with your words. Hopefully in this case, you have the benefit of ignorance.But let this be a lesson to you, next time, inshaaAllah, be careful about what you say on the Quran and Sunnah.

[Sulaiman Harun]

Brother Moneeb, you loaded already?!!! :eek:

How come you havent married yet? :outta:

:jkk:

Yeah :alhumdull me pocket is full of dollars but I aint ready yet!

First bro, it is good to understand that some of the scholars believe that Niqaab is not compulsory. So, she could be following some of those, different from you. So, there is no way you can force her. The best thing would be to give her the evidences, be gentle to her and try to convince her to realise that the evidence here are stronger and hopefully, she will accept. But at no time should you force her to wear niqaab against her will for it will be counter-productive in my view.

If someone's wife doesn't want to wear niqaab even though she does hijaab properly, so the husband should stop advising her then? and :jkk:

[Joha]

Joha, please be careful with your words. Hopefully in this case, you have the benefit of ignorance.But let this be a lesson to you, next time, inshaaAllah, be careful about what you say on the Quran and Sunnah.

Getting fed up of people randomly telling me to be careful. What for? Did you even read what I wrote?

[Sulaiman Harun]

one thing brother Joha, never ever say that the meaning, the interpretation, the idea, the reason of the hadith is stupid nor anything or anyone related to it :jkk:

[Enigma Dreamer]

Getting fed up of people randomly telling me to be careful. What for? Did you even read what I wrote?
Yes I did.

[Enigma Dreamer]

If someone's wife doesn't want to wear niqaab even though she does hijaab properly, so the husband should stop advising her then? and :jkk:
Brother, I didn't say that. A good look at my post will tell you that I said the person should advise her in a gentle manner, bring forth the evidences so that she will be convinced that wearing the niqaab is indeed obligatory. You can't just order her around. Fine, she may do it out of coercion but that is not what is desired.

[Joha]

one thing brother Joha, never ever say that the meaning, the interpretation, the idea, the reason of the hadith is stupid nor anything or anyone related to it :jkk:

Jk for the reminder. I'll bear it in mind in the future!

Although, and call me stubborn, but I'll stand by what I said unless somebody comes up and gives me some more evidence for 'creation'.

[A_Muminah]

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah,
Jk for the reminder. I'll bear it in mind in the future!

Although, and call me stubborn, but I'll stand by what I said unless somebody comes up and gives me some more evidence for 'creation'.
Guess what? You're created from dirt, mud and clay. Are you going to call that stupid and inconceivable as well? This reminds me of what Iblees said when he was ordered to bow down to Adam. We are all the creation of Allaah and who says what is better and what isnt?

Can you please tell me with proof how Allaah created Adam and then how He created Hawa? The whole concept of the hadeeth goes back to that and we do not judge anything that which Allaah created because He is well aware of what He is doing. We certainly have no right to question the method that Allaah wished to use.

The hadeeth narrated states, "Take good care of woman, for they have been created from a rib. The most prominently crooked part of a rib is its top part. If you were to try to straighten it, you will inevitably break it, but if you leave it alone, it remains crooked. Therefore, take good care of women."

The description given above about the rib is figurative because the Prophet Mohammad :saw: always consistantly mentioned how one should never force any sort of rule on his wife but treat her with kindness and be gentle with her. This is what the majority of the scholars have concluded.


Besides, why are you getting all worked up? We're the women of the dunyah and we know ourselves.

Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh

[Muwahidforever]

Different story here. Im about to meet a young sis that has never met brother for marriage purpose. She is young,shy,nervous and i don't know how to break da ice. Help neeeded ASAP.

[Joha]

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah,

Guess what? You're created from dirt, mud and clay. Are you going to call that stupid and inconceivable as well? This reminds me of what Iblees said when he was ordered to bow down to Adam. We are all the creation of Allaah and who says what is better and what isnt?

Can you please tell me with proof how Allaah created Adam and then how He created Hawa? The whole concept of the hadeeth goes back to that and we do not judge anything that which Allaah created because He is well aware of what He is doing. We certainly have no right to question the method that Allaah wished to use.

The hadeeth narrated states, "Take good care of woman, for they have been created from a rib. The most prominently crooked part of a rib is its top part. If you were to try to straighten it, you will inevitably break it, but if you leave it alone, it remains crooked. Therefore, take good care of women."

The description given above about the rib is figurative because the Prophet Mohammad :saw: always consistantly mentioned how one should never force any sort of rule on his wife but treat her with kindness and be gentle with her. This is what the majority of the scholars have concluded.


Besides, why are you getting all worked up? We're the women of the dunyah and we know ourselves.

Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh

Thanks, that's what I was saying, figurative, not literal! But lots of people think it literal...

[Supernova Nebula]

Thanks, that's what I was saying, figurative, not literal! But lots of people think it literal...

actually I've also heard that the hadith about woman's creation from a male's rib is a weak hadith. not sure though.

[A_Muminah]

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum,
actually I've also heard that the hadith about woman's creation from a male's rib is a weak hadith. not sure though.

The above hadeeth is narrated in both Sahih Bukhari and Muslim. The hadeeth also has many different narrations conveying the same message. This particular one is not weak but a different narration of it may be.

Other narrations of the hadeeth:

Abu Hurairahreported: Messenger of Allah :saw: said: "Take my advice with regard to women: Act kindly towards women, for they were created from a rib, and the most crooked part of a rib is its uppermost. If you attempt to straighten it; you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain crooked; so act kindly toward women".
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

In another narration of Al-Bukhari and Muslim, Messenger of Allah :saw: said: "A woman is like a rib, if you attempt to straighten it, you will break it; and if you benefit from her, you will do so while crookedness remains in her".

In another narration of Muslim, Messenger of Allah :saw: said: 'Woman has been created from a rib and will in no way be straightened for you; so if you want to benefit from her, you will benefit from her while crookedness remains in her. If you attempt to straighten her, you will break her, and breaking her is divorcing her".

Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh

[Enigma Dreamer]

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah,

Guess what? You're created from dirt, mud and clay. Are you going to call that stupid and inconceivable as well? This reminds me of what Iblees said when he was ordered to bow down to Adam. We are all the creation of Allaah and who says what is better and what isnt?

Can you please tell me with proof how Allaah created Adam and then how He created Hawa? The whole concept of the hadeeth goes back to that and we do not judge anything that which Allaah created because He is well aware of what He is doing. We certainly have no right to question the method that Allaah wished to use.

The hadeeth narrated states, "Take good care of woman, for they have been created from a rib. The most prominently crooked part of a rib is its top part. If you were to try to straighten it, you will inevitably break it, but if you leave it alone, it remains crooked. Therefore, take good care of women."

The description given above about the rib is figurative because the Prophet Mohammad :saw: always consistantly mentioned how one should never force any sort of rule on his wife but treat her with kindness and be gentle with her. This is what the majority of the scholars have concluded.


Besides, why are you getting all worked up? We're the women of the dunyah and we know ourselves.

Was-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh

Sis, no one is worked up about nothing. We are all worked up because Joha apparently seemed to question the creation part of hadith, that women are indeed created from the rib of men. The figurative part has being clearly clarified by the prophet peace and blessings be upon him, and the whole point is not that women are created from the rib in this hadeeth, rather that women should be taken care of by the men in a gentle and nice way, not being harsh and rude. But honestly to me, what Joha wrote in the first place when this hadeeth was quoted seemed to be questing the whole point of the hadeeth. It is not a question of literal or figurative for the fact that it is figurative has being clarified by the prophet (s.a.w.)

[Joha]

Sis, no one is worked up about nothing. We are all worked up because Joha apparently seemed to question the creation part of hadith, that women are indeed created from the rib of men. The figurative part has being clearly clarified by the prophet peace and blessings be upon him, and the whole point is not that women are created from the rib in this hadeeth, rather that women should be taken care of by the men in a gentle and nice way, not being harsh and rude. But honestly to me, what Joha wrote in the first place when this hadeeth was quoted seemed to be questing the whole point of the hadeeth. It is not a question of literal or figurative for the fact that it is figurative has being clarified by the prophet (s.a.w.)

Must we carry on? Thank you for the clarification, but what I wrote had nothing to do with the hadith. I was questioning the Judaeo-Christian concept of creation from a rib, which is a literal concept, which it seemed some Muslims had also taken as literal - wrongly from that Hadith.

My whole point was that it was figurative.

[Enigma Dreamer]

Alright bro.

[A_Muminah]

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullaah,
Sis, no one is worked up about nothing. We are all worked up because Joha apparently seemed to question the creation part of hadith, that women are indeed created from the rib of men. The figurative part has being clearly clarified by the prophet peace and blessings be upon him, and the whole point is not that women are created from the rib in this hadeeth, rather that women should be taken care of by the men in a gentle and nice way, not being harsh and rude. But honestly to me, what Joha wrote in the first place when this hadeeth was quoted seemed to be questing the whole point of the hadeeth. It is not a question of literal or figurative for the fact that it is figurative has being clarified by the prophet (s.a.w.)

I apologize if I came on a little strong but my reply was for Joha and her/his thoughts of the hadeeth. It answered her/his questions about the figurative and literal meanings of the hadeeth.

Thank you for taking the time to explain the above though. :up:

Was-Salaamu ;Akaykum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh

[PiElle2]

You should make her love Allah and fear Allah at the same time. Not love and fear you! You get great rewards for taking care of her and not expect her to take care of your ego.

[algharib]

Different story here. Im about to meet a young sis that has never met brother for marriage purpose. She is young,shy,nervous and i don't know how to break da ice. Help neeeded ASAP.

why have u all ignored me???

[PiElle2]

why have u all ignored me???


no bro... where's your post in this thread...? are you Muwahidforever too?

[algharib]

no bro... where's your post in this thread...? are you Muwahidforever too?

No I meant he and not me. Jazakhallahu bikhayr for the reminder.:up: