Why does no-one want to marry

[SisterIslam]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:

[elji]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:

Its one of those stigma's.. which hopefully will be removed by the next generation. (talking about UK)

Its going slowly in Pakistan and asian countries too. Many divorced young women marry again. It really depends on the individual scenarios.

[umm_yusuf]

I know ukhti. I think the state of the muslim "men" is pathetic. In the days of the companions, it was said that they would not leave a woman unmarried for they understood that a woman needed the protection and stability of a household.

Its so sad, like you mentioned, when you hear men, divorced men, wanting young virgin brides and not wanting a woman who has been divorced. They get upset when a woman rejects them for being divorced yet they wouldn't think twice about the double standards when they do that to a divorced woman.

May Allah rectify our situation.

[elji]

I know ukhti. I think the state of the muslim "men" is pathetic. In the days of the companions, it was said that they would not leave a woman unmarried for they understood that a woman needed the protection and stability of a household.

Its so sad, like you mentioned, when you hear men, divorced men, wanting young virgin brides and not wanting a woman who has been divorced. They get upset when a woman rejects them for being divorced yet they wouldn't think twice about the double standards when they do that to a divorced woman.

May Allah rectify our situation.

inshallah that time will come soon, as the next generation is educated not to think in such a degraded and selfish manner

However i wish to point out that a generalisation would be unfair.

[umm_yusuf]

inshallah that time will come soon, as the next generation is educated not to think in such a degraded and selfish manner

However i wish to point out that a generalisation would be unfair.

Insha Allah the time will come. And perhaps it seems like I am generalising but I wasn't.

I am aware that there are quite a few men who wouldn't mind marrying divorcees and infact this is not a point of contention with them at all. My issue is with men, who, if they themselves are divorced, want to marry the creme of the virgin crop but wouldn't want the woman to judge them on the basis of them being divorced. Now that's unfair.

[Bubble]

I heard of someone recently getting divorced, didn't last for long feel sorry coz they took many years to find somone and now that they did it didn't last :(. But the worst thing is that they are looking again and have asked people to help them but the response they get is 'its not soo easy as it's a different situation now we have to take a different approach'....why different coz they're divorced and people will have doubts?

[elji]

Insha Allah the time will come. And perhaps it seems like I am generalising but I wasn't.

I am aware that there are quite a few men who wouldn't mind marrying divorcees and infact this is not a point of contention with them at all. My issue is with men, who, if they themselves are divorced, want to marry the creme of the virgin crop but wouldn't want the woman to judge them on the basis of them being divorced. Now that's unfair.

i completely agree with you!

[Pro_Candy]

I agree with everyone. Divorced men have such an easier time getting married again. A divorced woman, esp a divorced mother, is looked down on, even if it was not her fault that her marriage ended up in divorce.

It seems so selfish that a divorced man would want the 'young virgin bride' when he is not so young himself, is in the same boat being divorced, and would probably get along better anyway with someone who has 'been there'.

[Abu.Bakr]

I think it is an honour to marry a divorced woman. They're our sisters too and need our love and support just like anyone else

[Al-Farooq]

I agree with everyone.

Sorry, I think I must be on the wrong forum.:)

I don't think I've ever read that before on Ummah. *scratches head*

More worryingly, I also agree with everyone and have nothing intelligent (or stupid) to add, as my opinions have already been expressed.

"So, why did you bother posting", he asks himself.

"I really have no idea", replied the poster, "although such futile actions may be indicative of a need to pursue more meaningful activities".

"So why don't you log off then" asked the man.

"Excellent idea" says the poster, hanging on to his sanity by a thread.

[elji]

Sorry, I think I must be on the wrong forum.:)

I don't think I've ever read that before on Ummah. *scratches head*

More worryingly, I also agree with everyone and have nothing intelligent (or stupid) to add, as my opinions have already been expressed.

"So, why did you bother posting", he asks himself.

"I really have no idea", replied the poster, "although such futile actions may be indicative of a need to pursue more meaningful activities".

"So why don't you log off then" asked the man.

"Excellent idea" says the poster, hanging on to his sanity by a thread.

Your post is the most idiotic in this whole thread. If you bothered to carry on reading then you would realise that she did not only say "i agree with everyone".

Are you feeling alright?

[umm_yusuf]

Sorry, I think I must be on the wrong forum.:)

I don't think I've ever read that before on Ummah. *scratches head*

More worryingly, I also agree with everyone and have nothing intelligent (or stupid) to add, as my opinions have already been expressed.

"So, why did you bother posting", he asks himself.

"I really have no idea", replied the poster, "although such futile actions may be indicative of a need to pursue more meaningful activities".

"So why don't you log off then" asked the man.

"Excellent idea" says the poster, hanging on to his sanity by a thread.

*smile* your post was funny Masha Allah.

Your post is the most idiotic in this whole thread. If you bothered to carry on reading then you would realise that she did not only say "i agree with everyone".

Are you feeling alright?

I dont think he was referring to pro_candy but rather, himself.

[elji]

I dont think he was referring to pro_candy but rather, himself.

you cant blame anyone for thinking that as he quoted her comment.. hence referring to it.

[umm_yusuf]

you cant blame anyone for thinking that as he quoted her comment.. hence referring to it.

I'm not blaming anyone but rather, pointing to the fact that he could have been referring to himself.

I believe he referred to her (Pro_candy) in the first two lines and then proceeded to have a dialogue (or monologue depending on how you see it) with himself. Hence and I quote "he asks himself" and the constant reference to the male gender ("he...")

But then again, I could be wrong.

Nevertheless, we are deviating from the purpose of the thread starter so Insha Allah, I think we should get back to the issue at hand.

[umm shuyookh]

it is easy for a man to issue a divorce because he knows he can, even by just a

three word sentence, and he knows he can easily get another wife whether

he has kids or not, However, it is more difficult for a woman, because she

knows she stands the risk of not smelling the fragrance of jannah if her

reasons for asking for khula were not valid, she has to part with her dowry,

and she very well knows that many people place a stigma on divorced women

and then even her own family may blame her for not being able to do

whatever it would have taken to make her marriage work.

For these reasons among others, i will not be happy to allow my daughter to

marry a divorced man, nor will i advice any sister that has never been married

to marry a divorced brother, except she is certain that the divorce was

inevitable like if the ex-wife committed shirk or adultery. It is better to be a

second wife than a first to a divorced brother, because it is not unlikely he'll

find in the second wife faults similar to the ones he found with the first, and

this is a common phenomenon.

[Chained_Water]

you cant blame anyone for thinking that as he quoted her comment.. hence referring to it.Well maybe you should think twice before making nasty responses to people when you don't even understand what they said :rolleyes:

On the topic:

It's sad how one minute a woman can be the most eligible bachelorette because of her qualities, her beauty, intelligence, deen, whatever else. But as soon as she marries and if doesn't work out, resulting in divorce.. then all of that goes out the window and seems to be irrelevant before the fact she's a :nervous: DIVORCEE :nervous: ..she's no longer a beautiful, intelligent, decent practising Muslim woman as people saw her before.. she is suddenly NOTHING but a divorcee, that is all that anyone sees about her after divorce.

And even then, some brothers will say "Oh yeh, there's nothing wrong with marrying a divorcee, it's good to do it." ..but how many will ever consider one for marriage themselves?

It's a sad sad mentality amongst people. It's pretty sick in fact.

Does everything revolve around virginity? Is that the ultimate decider, the most important thing about being a woman?

Men should remember it's only going to last until the first time.. then she's like any other married, divorced or widowed woman.

Divorced women being shunned is a clear sign of women in general being viewed as nothing more than a piece of property and commodity ultimately.. and noone wants to buy second hand. That's what the mentality of these men who would not marry a divorcee boils down to.

Divorced women should remind themselves that such men aren't worth jack and are no loss to them.. they're just a sorry sign of the times.

[elji]

Allah forgive us for the grave mistakes we make.

[elji]

Well maybe you should think twice before making nasty responses to people when you don't even understand what they said :rolleyes:


Your correct i should .. apologies slap_dash :D

[umm_yusuf]

Well maybe you should think twice before making nasty responses to people when you don't even understand what they said :rolleyes:

On the topic:

It's sad how one minute a woman can be the most eligible bachelorette because of her qualities, her beauty, intelligence, deen, whatever else. But as soon as she marries and if doesn't work out, resulting in divorce.. then all of that goes out the window and seems to be irrelevant before the fact she's a :nervous: DIVORCEE :nervous: ..she's no longer a beautiful, intelligent, decent practising Muslim woman as people saw her before.. she is suddenly NOTHING but a divorcee, that is all that anyone sees about her after divorce.

And even then, some brothers will say "Oh yeh, there's nothing wrong with marrying a divorcee, it's good to do it." ..but how many will ever consider one for marriage themselves?

It's a sad sad mentality amongst people. It's pretty sick in fact.

Does everything revolve around virginity? Is that the ultimate decider, the most important thing about being a woman?

Men should remember it's only going to last until the first time.. then she's like any other married, divorced or widowed woman.

Divorced women being shunned is a clear sign of women in general being viewed as nothing more than a piece of property and commodity ultimately.. and noone wants to buy second hand. That's what the mentality of these men who would not marry a divorcee boils down to.

Divorced women should remind themselves that such men aren't worth jack and are no loss to them.. they're just a sorry sign of the times.


Masha Allah ukhti, I dont think it could have been said any better. A sorry state indeed.

[umm_yusuf]

Allah forgive us for the grave mistakes we make.

Allahumma amine *smile*

gone back to agreeing again *smile*

[Chained_Water]

Your correct i should .. apologies slap_dash :D
mashaAllah :)

[Raziel]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:

Ditto sis...

the we aught to seek in finding Spouses is Virtue ... in other Words So long as they have not had pre-marital relations .... or relations with the opposite gender outside marriage ...

I think the Word used in the Quran is Muhsinaath ... Virtuous Women, who are to be found in Virgins and Divorcees, but there are Cultural issues that put blame on on Divorced women ... which we shouldn't be doing ...

:jkk:

[Al-Farooq]

Your correct i should .. apologies slap_dash :D

Apology accepted.:)

It's an easy mistake to make, given the nature of forums.

I believe he referred to her (Pro_candy) in the first two lines and then proceeded to have a dialogue (or monologue depending on how you see it) with himself. Hence and I quote "he asks himself" and the constant reference to the male gender ("he...")

Excellent analysis, ukhti.:up:

Although I'm rather concerned you found me funny. You may need to seek professional help.:)

Sorry, back to the topic.....:o

[Kal-El]

One of the reasons for the high divorce rates is that our generation rush into marriage to have a relationship (a valid one) and naturally when they fall apart with that person, they just want to end it. I'm not saying this is why people divorce but in my experience, especially with the younger generation; it is because people rush into marriage.

On Topic:

I don't think there's anything wrong with marrying a divorcee but at the same time its natural to not have a direct intention to marry specifically a divorcee. I think some men feel intimidated by a divorced woman as "shes done there, done that, been there, seen it all" in the fear that she'll become dominant in the marriage.

[curious_man]

I think there is a lot of generalisation regarding my sepcies on this forum. Come one girls give us a break. It is not our fault. some of the sisters must come down from there high flying horses too..

I agree there is nothing wrong with marrying a divorcees so long as you are able to provide for her. Infact If one is well off and able to provide for more then one I say guys you should marry more.

Slightly off topic.. I am seeing there are many single girls in their 30's who have not even been married.. so it is not just divorcee's who are finding it hard to marry.

I dont think it is all to do with men wanting young and virgin wives - We are just living in a fast lane life (esp in UK) - I just dont know exactly why but I am seeing a lot single sisters in 30's still unmarried....

May god help us.. May god help our sisters .. ameen

[Chained_Water]

I think there is a lot of generalisation regarding my sepcies on this forum. Come one girls give us a break. It is not our fault. some of the sisters must come down from there high flying horses too..

I agree there is nothing wrong with marrying a divorcees so long as you are able to provide for her. Infact If one is well off and able to provide for more then one I say guys you should marry more.

Slightly off topic.. I am seeing there are many single girls in their 30's who have not even been married.. so it is not just divorcee's who are finding it hard to marry.

I dont think it is all to do with men wanting young and virgin wives - We are just living in a fast lane life (esp in UK) - I just dont know exactly why but I am seeing a lot single sisters in 30's still unmarried....

May god help us.. May god help our sisters .. ameen
You are definately right about the single girls hitting their 30's. It is true, it seems like it's a real problem.

Generally [yes more generalising] in all the cases I know this stems from the girls refusing to get into forced marriages with cousins/etc.. and their parents refusing to get them married elsewhere, until the girls hit an age where the parents finally think "Uh-oh, she's getting old, we need to get her married." ..they finally relent to the idea of her marrying outside the family.. but by then, it is "too late".. because yes [though you might not like to hear it bro], men do not want to know if she isn't a young virgin.. if a woman is over 25/26ish.. it becomes VERY difficult. They see her as undesirable simply because of her age.

It's pretty pathetic really, that so many men are only interested in 19 year old virgins when it comes to marriage.. even if they are far far from that themselves.. everyone was a 19 yr old virgin once [unless you got married younger], it makes no flippin difference to who you are and what kinda person you are, and that state will not last at all.. as soon as you get married or the years tick by, its gone.. so why obsess over it and think it's the be all and end all?

It totally stinks.. and sorry, but men and their rotten brains are the stupid problem :torture:

All you brothers who aren't like this.. mashaAllah, obviously I'm not referring to you.. and we'd all be delighted to hear your stories about how you've married divorcees or women who were 26+ ..until then, don't say men shunning these women isn't the issue.. it is!

I know amazing sisters, really LOVELY sisters, practising, beautiful, intelligent, hearts of gold, would make brilliant wives.. and they are unmarried and finding it majorly difficult to get married because of these issues :mad: :(

[Ibn Khattab]

heres another question which fits nicely into this thread:

would the married bros marry again, this time a divorced woman, to help and support her?

[curious_man]

heres another question which fits nicely into this thread:

would the married bros marry again, this time a divorced woman, to help and support her?
yes - I will

hang on let me ask my wife first ........

[Chained_Water]

yes - I will

hang on let me ask my wife first ........
LOL :D ..good luck with that!

Gotta fault us ladies on that one.. most of us aren't very receptive to the idea :o

[SisterIslam]

I know amazing sisters, really LOVELY sisters, practising, beautiful, intelligent, hearts of gold, would make brilliant wives.. and they are unmarried and finding it majorly difficult to get married because of these issues :mad: :(

So do I. I know one sister who is almost 40, educated, sweet and practising and still without a husband, but to be fair she has turned down younger men just because of the age factor.

[curious_man]

[QUOTE=Chained_Water;2220487]You are definately right about the single girls hitting their 30's. It is true, it seems like it's a real problem.

Generally [yes more generalising] in all the cases I know this stems from the girls refusing to get into forced marriages with cousins/etc.. and their parents refusing to get them married elsewhere, until the girls hit an age where the parents finally think "Uh-oh, she's getting old, we need to get her married." ..they finally relent to the idea of her marrying outside the family.. but by then, it is "too late".. because yes [though you might not like to hear it bro], men do not want to know if she isn't a young virgin.. if a woman is over 25/26ish.. it becomes VERY difficult. They see her as undesirable simply because of her age.

It's pretty pathetic really, that so many men are only interested in 19 year old virgins when it comes to marriage.. even if they are far far from that themselves.. everyone was a 19 yr old virgin once [unless you got married younger], it makes no flippin difference to who you are and what kinda person you are, and that state will not last at all.. as soon as you get married or the years tick by, its gone.. so why obsess over it and think it's the be all and end all?

It totally stinks.. and sorry, but men and their rotten brains are the stupid problem :torture:

I see you feel quite bitter about this but blaming everything on men is not fair.
My mrs was 30+ when we got got married. I got a friend who married a 19 year old from back home. We are both happily married so far alhumdulillah.

I wanted someone mature, confident and educated (which older girls are generally) wife.

He wanted someone younger, not so set in her ways and a house wife..

Everyone has their own reasons. If there are many divorcees and girls over 30's finding it hard to be married it is not entirely OUR fault. It is the system and culture we live in.

And these things only change slowly and gradually. It is unfortunate that some people are still being a bit backward and looking down on divorcees. Saying that people nowadays dont base their 'choosing a wife or husband' for islamic reasons.

If they did their wont be many divorcees and single 30+ girls out there. But then I know many 30+ single girls who refuse good proposals waiting for 'MR WRIGHT' well into their 30's.

So I am sorry but it is not entirely mens fault. You cant specify who has to marry who. It is lifetime commitment and if someon happily wants to marry a young 19 year virgin they r within their right to do so , so long as it is islamically correct regardless of if man has been divorced before.

I think we are forgetting the 'role' families/parents have to play when their daughter gets divorced. A lot of families are simply content to blame it on destiny and the MAN for destroying their daughters life rather then actually actively trying to re build her life and find her a suitable husband.

I am sure their are many people who would marry a divorcee not just in UK also back home too (where ever that is for who ever concerned).

[SisterIslam]

yes - I will

hang on let me ask my wife first ........

Would you marry a divorced woman who is 35 and has 3 kids under the age of 10?

[Chained_Water]

MashaAllah, thas good :D

I'm not bitter about it.. it's just another of the many social ills in the world that we should all be :mad: about and recognise as a problem.

[SisterIslam]

This is not a male-bashing thread brothers, so take it easy. We're just trying to talk a about certain problem within our community which no-one can deny exists.

[Mazed]

why?... maybe shes not looking in the right places...?

naturally single virgin men who are young would want young virgin girls... so perhaps these mothers should aim for older men who are more mature/understanding etc?


sorry if i didnt help.. just a thought...

[SisterIslam]

why?... maybe shes not looking in the right places...?

naturally single virgin men who are young would want young virgin girls... so perhaps these mothers should aim for older men who are more mature/understanding etc?


sorry if i didnt help.. just a thought...

Firstly, this sister is not a sister I know (the divorced 26 year old who is a mother of one). So I can't advise her.

I understand men who have never been married preferring women who have also never been married. What I can't understand is divorced men who prefer women who have never been married over divorced women.

[curious_man]

Would you marry a divorced woman who is 35 and has 3 kids under the age of 10?

yes - if i was well off enough to get her a house and provide for her as equal as for my wife.

since am a poor man who has just enough to provide for only one - I think will go for the option NO on this occasion -

[curious_man]

LOL :D ..good luck with that!

Gotta fault us ladies on that one.. most of us aren't very receptive to the idea :o

yep I agree - nowadays gals dont like 2 share their man...

[curious_man]

Firstly, this sister is not a sister I know (the divorced 26 year old who is a mother of one). So I can't advise her.

I understand men who have never been married preferring women who have also never been married. What I can't understand is divorced men who prefer women who have never been married over divorced women.

I dont know why it is so hard to understand that. It is a simple matter of preference. I was divorced and married someone who had never married before.

Am sure if a divorced woman had the choice she would marry a single man rather then divorced one with kids from previous marriage.

[Raziel]

One of the reasons for the high divorce rates is that our generation rush into marriage to have a relationship (a valid one) and naturally when they fall apart with that person, they just want to end it. I'm not saying this is why people divorce but in my experience, especially with the younger generation; it is because people rush into marriage.

true bro, and thats usually with the so called 'Love' marriages...

On Topic:

I don't think there's anything wrong with marrying a divorcee but at the same time its natural to not have a direct intention to marry specifically a divorcee. I think some men feel intimidated by a divorced woman as "shes done there, done that, been there, seen it all" in the fear that she'll become dominant in the marriage.

Possibly bro, but we shouldn't be, if she's Virtuous and hasn't committed Zina, is of Good character etc. there is No Valid reason to Object from Marying her Purely on the basis that she was Divorced...

:jkk:


...

[afrasayab]

I think it is an honour to marry a divorced woman. They're our sisters too and need our love and support just like anyone else
Good. Well then go on, atleast fillup your quota of four ;)

[insomniac]

yes - if i was well off enough to get her a house and provide for her as equal as for my wife.

since am a poor man who has just enough to provide for only one - I think will go for the option NO on this occasion -

that would be equitably and not equally as the wife with kids would require more upkeep than a wife with fewer or no kids :up:

[afrasayab]

Blaming men for everything is not right, ofcourse we have our faults but give us a break, women are no angel either.... it goes both ways. Allow me to state few points.

How many women will allow their husbands to marry the second time even to a divorcee??? Not too many, or how many women are willing to be second wives??

If a unmarried (never married before) guy refusese to marry a divorcee, i think that is ok. Because not everyone is willing to or can deal with the baggage that the divorcee women will bring, especially if she has a child from the previous marraige.

Fair or not, everyone is lookig for the best 'product' and there is enough supply...

That said, it is completely wrong for old farts, and some perverted divorced men to only wish for young beautiful virgin slave....

Oh God my grammer and spelling is painful...

[abubakarbristol]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:

Asalamakeykum Sister

You have my full agreement on this one. I think that it may be a cultural thing to some extent. My wife is from West Africa where divorced Women usually marry and it is not seen as unusual.

I suspect that in the next few years I will take a second wife, providing I have my wifes consent and I have the finance to do so, if this comes about I would prefer to marry a divorced Woman as she will more likely have some maturity and understanding.

Peace

[abubakarbristol]

One of the reasons for the high divorce rates is that our generation rush into marriage to have a relationship (a valid one) and naturally when they fall apart with that person, they just want to end it. I'm not saying this is why people divorce but in my experience, especially with the younger generation; it is because people rush into marriage.

On Topic:

I don't think there's anything wrong with marrying a divorcee but at the same time its natural to not have a direct intention to marry specifically a divorcee. I think some men feel intimidated by a divorced woman as "shes done there, done that, been there, seen it all" in the fear that she'll become dominant in the marriage.




Asalamaleykum

To think that a woman will not dominate a marriage I find ammusing. Of course some men do feel intimidated by a divorcee but that is only their own weakness and may well save a divorcee from another rocky marriage.

It is interesting what you say about the rush into marriage, and I think there is an element of truth about that point. Further of course, is the way arranged marriages have changed. This is a generalisation and I ask no-one to be upset if my words are clumsy but forgive me and try and understand what I am trying to say. In the part marriages were arranged by families who lived side by side, who knew each others different characters very well. It was therefore easier to get a more fitting match than with someone who's family has lived in a different Country for a generation or two and who you don't know the everyday character of those concerned. This may result in more mis-matches than before and therefore a higher divorce rate.

There is no shame in divorce if both parties have tried to make the marriage work and failed.

[Chained_Water]

To think that a woman will not dominate a marriage I find ammusing.
LOL, funnay :D

[abubakarbristol]

heres another question which fits nicely into this thread:

would the married bros marry again, this time a divorced woman, to help and support her?

Yes, but with my wifes consent.

And the finances to do so.

[abubakarbristol]

You are definately right about the single girls hitting their 30's. It is true, it seems like it's a real problem.

Generally [yes more generalising] in all the cases I know this stems from the girls refusing to get into forced marriages with cousins/etc.. and their parents refusing to get them married elsewhere, until the girls hit an age where the parents finally think "Uh-oh, she's getting old, we need to get her married." ..they finally relent to the idea of her marrying outside the family.. but by then, it is "too late".. because yes [though you might not like to hear it bro], men do not want to know if she isn't a young virgin.. if a woman is over 25/26ish.. it becomes VERY difficult. They see her as undesirable simply because of her age.

It's pretty pathetic really, that so many men are only interested in 19 year old virgins when it comes to marriage.. even if they are far far from that themselves.. everyone was a 19 yr old virgin once [unless you got married younger], it makes no flippin difference to who you are and what kinda person you are, and that state will not last at all.. as soon as you get married or the years tick by, its gone.. so why obsess over it and think it's the be all and end all?

It totally stinks.. and sorry, but men and their rotten brains are the stupid problem :torture:

All you brothers who aren't like this.. mashaAllah, obviously I'm not referring to you.. and we'd all be delighted to hear your stories about how you've married divorcees or women who were 26+ ..until then, don't say men shunning these women isn't the issue.. it is!

I know amazing sisters, really LOVELY sisters, practising, beautiful, intelligent, hearts of gold, would make brilliant wives.. and they are unmarried and finding it majorly difficult to get married because of these issues :mad: :(


Asalamaleykum Sister,

I married a divorcee who was over 26. It is that over 26 year old divorcee who bought me to Islam. If you want the full story just ask but its a beautiful one.

There is an issue with some men shuning divorcees and women who are 26 plus, but it is not the only issue.

There are cultural issues here but I have met many West African Muslim Women who have been divorced and have a second happy marriage.

Peace

[abubakarbristol]

On the topic:

It's sad how one minute a woman can be the most eligible bachelorette because of her qualities, her beauty, intelligence, deen, whatever else. But as soon as she marries and if doesn't work out, resulting in divorce.. then all of that goes out the window and seems to be irrelevant before the fact she's a :nervous: DIVORCEE :nervous: ..she's no longer a beautiful, intelligent, decent practising Muslim woman as people saw her before.. she is suddenly NOTHING but a divorcee, that is all that anyone sees about her after divorce.

And even then, some brothers will say "Oh yeh, there's nothing wrong with marrying a divorcee, it's good to do it." ..but how many will ever consider one for marriage themselves?

It's a sad sad mentality amongst people. It's pretty sick in fact.

Does everything revolve around virginity? Is that the ultimate decider, the most important thing about being a woman?

Men should remember it's only going to last until the first time.. then she's like any other married, divorced or widowed woman.

Divorced women being shunned is a clear sign of women in general being viewed as nothing more than a piece of property and commodity ultimately.. and noone wants to buy second hand. That's what the mentality of these men who would not marry a divorcee boils down to.

Divorced women should remind themselves that such men aren't worth jack and are no loss to them.. they're just a sorry sign of the times.

Asalamaleykum Sister

I agree with most of what you say here but suspect that a lot of these ideas don't come from Islam but from poor cultural practices, which need to change or be changed and certainly must be challenged.

Peace

[Chained_Water]

Asalamaleykum Sister,

I married a divorcee who was over 26. It is that over 26 year old divorcee who bought me to Islam. If you want the full story just ask but its a beautiful one.

There is an issue with some men shuning divorcees and women who are 26 plus, but it is not the only issue.

There are cultural issues here but I have met many West African Muslim Women who have been divorced and have a second happy marriage.

Peace
:wswrwb:

MashaAllah bro.. yeh tell us the story :D

[abubakarbristol]

:wswrwb:

MashaAllah bro.. yeh tell us the story :D

Asalamaleykum Sister

I was going through some changes in my life at the time. I was divorced, had left the town where I was living as my business was no longer profitable and returned to London. The 'friends' who I shared a house with decided that tey wanted someone else there and I moved to a new house with several different tenants.

One of the tenants was a Muslim married couple from West Africa with a young son, we shared a kitchen and I used to sit and talk (actually I used to sit and listen, getting a word in edgeways was very difficult) to the wife as she cooked. She invited me to meet her family and I met them and they were very nice people. I should point out that at this time I was not a Muslim and had no real interest in Islam.

One day, the wife told me that they were going to the family house to meet her favourite Aunt who had just arrived from Africa, I knew that there would be some good food and a pleasant atmosphere so I went along with them.

As I entered I saw her Aunt accross the room and knew, and I mean knew with all my being, at that moment that I was going to marry her. I had no intention of getting married at that time and had other ideas.

Of course my now wife Nehneh, had very different ideas but after three months of visiting the family home and talking to her (accompanied at all times), she said she would only marry me if I was a Muslim.

Rammadan was approaching and I decided to do the fast. Needless to say I went into Ramadan unsure and came out of Ramadan as a Muslim.

Needless to say we got married and now have been blessed with 4 children and 2 grandchildren.

[umm_yusuf]

Asalamaleykum Sister

I was going through some changes in my life at the time. I was divorced, had left the town where I was living as my business was no longer profitable and returned to London. The 'friends' who I shared a house with decided that tey wanted someone else there and I moved to a new house with several different tenants.

One of the tenants was a Muslim married couple from West Africa with a young son, we shared a kitchen and I used to sit and talk (actually I used to sit and listen, getting a word in edgeways was very difficult) to the wife as she cooked. She invited me to meet her family and I met them and they were very nice people. I should point out that at this time I was not a Muslim and had no real interest in Islam.

One day, the wife told me that they were going to the family house to meet her favourite Aunt who had just arrived from Africa, I knew that there would be some good food and a pleasant atmosphere so I went along with them.

As I entered I saw her Aunt accross the room and knew, and I mean knew with all my being, at that moment that I was going to marry her. I had no intention of getting married at that time and had other ideas.

Of course my now wife Nehneh, had very different ideas but after three months of visiting the family home and talking to her (accompanied at all times), she said she would only marry me if I was a Muslim.

Rammadan was approaching and I decided to do the fast. Needless to say I went into Ramadan unsure and came out of Ramadan as a Muslim.

Needless to say we got married and now have been blessed with 4 children and 2 grandchildren.

Masha Allah Tabarakallah akhi that is a beautiful story. May Allah bless you both with continued happiness in this dunya and companionship in the akhirah.

[`asiya]

Well maybe you should think twice before making nasty responses to people when you don't even understand what they said :rolleyes:

On the topic:

It's sad how one minute a woman can be the most eligible bachelorette because of her qualities, her beauty, intelligence, deen, whatever else. But as soon as she marries and if doesn't work out, resulting in divorce.. then all of that goes out the window and seems to be irrelevant before the fact she's a :nervous: DIVORCEE :nervous: ..she's no longer a beautiful, intelligent, decent practising Muslim woman as people saw her before.. she is suddenly NOTHING but a divorcee, that is all that anyone sees about her after divorce.

And even then, some brothers will say "Oh yeh, there's nothing wrong with marrying a divorcee, it's good to do it." ..but how many will ever consider one for marriage themselves?

It's a sad sad mentality amongst people. It's pretty sick in fact.

Does everything revolve around virginity? Is that the ultimate decider, the most important thing about being a woman?

Men should remember it's only going to last until the first time.. then she's like any other married, divorced or widowed woman.

Divorced women being shunned is a clear sign of women in general being viewed as nothing more than a piece of property and commodity ultimately.. and noone wants to buy second hand. That's what the mentality of these men who would not marry a divorcee boils down to.

Divorced women should remind themselves that such men aren't worth jack and are no loss to them.. they're just a sorry sign of the times.

You are definately right about the single girls hitting their 30's. It is true, it seems like it's a real problem.

Generally [yes more generalising] in all the cases I know this stems from the girls refusing to get into forced marriages with cousins/etc.. and their parents refusing to get them married elsewhere, until the girls hit an age where the parents finally think "Uh-oh, she's getting old, we need to get her married." ..they finally relent to the idea of her marrying outside the family.. but by then, it is "too late".. because yes [though you might not like to hear it bro], men do not want to know if she isn't a young virgin.. if a woman is over 25/26ish.. it becomes VERY difficult. They see her as undesirable simply because of her age.

It's pretty pathetic really, that so many men are only interested in 19 year old virgins when it comes to marriage.. even if they are far far from that themselves.. everyone was a 19 yr old virgin once [unless you got married younger], it makes no flippin difference to who you are and what kinda person you are, and that state will not last at all.. as soon as you get married or the years tick by, its gone.. so why obsess over it and think it's the be all and end all?

It totally stinks.. and sorry, but men and their rotten brains are the stupid problem :torture:

All you brothers who aren't like this.. mashaAllah, obviously I'm not referring to you.. and we'd all be delighted to hear your stories about how you've married divorcees or women who were 26+ ..until then, don't say men shunning these women isn't the issue.. it is!

I know amazing sisters, really LOVELY sisters, practising, beautiful, intelligent, hearts of gold, would make brilliant wives.. and they are unmarried and finding it majorly difficult to get married because of these issues :mad: :(


yep :jkk: ukhti and the most bizzare thing to me as a revert is that as a kaffir things like my race, my age, being divorced, having kids would not have been an issue for a man, but my muslim brothers have issues with these things and yet Islam taught us to break away from such jahil thinking subhanAllah its a shame upon any muslim who beleives such things, that even the kuffar dont think in such a jahil way about marriage, to them they want to marry her and love her for who she is, not because she has never been married, or because she has no kids, or because of what race her family is, and there is no way any non muslim family that i know would blatantly say , we wont accept her for blah blah reason, they wouldnt have the audacity even if they werent keen on the woman they would behave well towards her and hope she grows on them :smack: wake up muslims u have had 1400 years to get your jahil heads around this :lahawla:

[umm shuyookh]

subhanallah, you are so right ukhti, its a shame. i was really touched and bothered by the comparison, we are supposed to be the best community and here our supposed protectors and maintainers are talking about 'preference' and 'everyone wanting the best product' and the like. subhaanallah, it is rather sad. :crying:

[MG]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:


aww sis dont lose hope, believ it or not there are brothers out there who are more than willing to marry divorcees, children or no children, i could tell u so many stories where this has happened (one woman had 4 GROWN kids and got married again,so if u wana know the stories, tel me ill post them up ;) ) everyone's destiny is different and that is what you should hold on to, its becos in society we see so many men giving it the big talk about wanting to marry a virgin or someone who is 19yrs old but at the end of the day sis, even they dont know who they will marry or whether she will be a divorcee or not and also not ALL men think like this or try and make that their goal while ignoring all the widowed or divorced sisters.

Sis to be fair on the bros, its not jus some bros that are like this,i have seen sisters who refuse to marry divorcees with kids or no kids but as soon as they are approaching 30's, suddenly divorcees are an option :rubeyes: and not just that, some brothers i have seen WANT to marry a divorcee or a divorcee who has children and its the PARENTS who say no and they just feel stuck and dont go ahead.

Sis may Allah swt ease your worries, grant u with sabr and bless u with a beautiful, pious rightous husband ---> ASAP :p ameen

[SisterIslam]

Thank you for duas sis MG :inlove: , but I'm not a divorcee. I'm not looking to get married either :o

It's true that some women wouldn't want to marry a divorced man. If they're divorced themselves then that would be strange and unfair.

I would like to hear those strories please. I love true stories with a good ending :hidban:

[Sis-Amatullah]

:salams

I don't think that's always the case ---- many people would and have married a divorcee


anddddddddddddd thre is not anything wrong with a bro wanting to marry a virgin. It is all about preference!

A divorcee who has taqwa of Allah and is level headed with confidence can get married just as fast as a virgin! well most likely

buttttttt when kids are involved that's another story


we pray Allah provides for and protects all of the muslimat

[MG]

Thank you for duas sis MG :inlove: , but I'm not a divorcee. I'm not looking to get married either :o

It's true that some women wouldn't want to marry a divorced man. If they're divorced themselves then that would be strange and unfair.

I would like to hear those strories please. I love true stories with a good ending :hidban:

ooh im sure i saw divorce mentioned in the initial thread :rubeyes: sorry

inshallah wen i get home ill post a summarisation of what happened with the stories :inlove:

[abubakarbristol]

Thank you for duas sis MG :inlove: , but I'm not a divorcee. I'm not looking to get married either :o

It's true that some women wouldn't want to marry a divorced man. If they're divorced themselves then that would be strange and unfair.

I would like to hear those strories please. I love true stories with a good ending :hidban:

My wifes Uncle is a very good, very straight and very careing man.

He is also quite successful in business. He had married two women and was looking for a third wife. The woman he wanted to marry was divorced 5, yes 5 times with 6 children (all but 2 with different fathers). Many people talked behind his back and others tried to disuade him from marrying the woman.

To cut a long story short, he married her over 25 years ago, they are still together and very happy. He educated all the children and cared for them as his own. They have one daughter together, who is a beautiful and intelligent woman, who jokes that she would have wanted a little favourism as she was her fathers only daughter but he refused to treat any of the children better than the others.

I think this qualifies as a happy ending.

[umm shuyookh]

My wifes Uncle is a very good, very straight and very careing man.

He is also quite successful in business. He had married two women and was looking for a third wife. The woman he wanted to marry was divorced 5, yes 5 times with 6 children (all but 2 with different fathers). Many people talked behind his back and others tried to disuade him from marrying the woman.

To cut a long story short, he married her over 25 years ago, they are still together and very happy. He educated all the children and cared for them as his own. They have one daughter together, who is a beautiful and intelligent woman, who jokes that she would have wanted a little favourism as she was her fathers only daughter but he refused to treat any of the children better than the others.

I think this qualifies as a happy ending.

:aku_mashallah: it really is a happy ending. may Allah reward the uncle with jannah, for his kind is rare. may the entire family continue to be happy together and unite in all that is good insha Allah.

[MG]

Thank you for duas sis MG :inlove: , but I'm not a divorcee. I'm not looking to get married either :o

It's true that some women wouldn't want to marry a divorced man. If they're divorced themselves then that would be strange and unfair.

I would like to hear those strories please. I love true stories with a good ending :hidban:

ok ill quickely summarise 2 of them:

a brother i know, early twenties, married a sister in her late 20's , who was divorced and had 2 little girls:inlove: when i ask her how they met, this is what she says: they met thru friends and he showed his interest (not knowing she is divorced or has 2kids) , so she says she was afraid to to tell him she is divorced and how was she gonna tell him that she had one kid let alone 2! cos she really liked him and didnt want him to turn away becos of this.

So she says, they talked about marriage and she told him that she was divorced..he was like yeh thats cool, fine. Then she took a couple of weeks to tell him she had A daughter (by this point she thought,he is defo gonna say no to me!......), he was like "i dont have a problem with that" then she says she was thinking, "omg why didnt i jus say it all in one go, that i got 2 kids and not 1! " lol

After a couple of days she sed to him "u knwo i sed i got one daughter...ermm i got 2 daughters!"

she sed he laughed and said "so? but just tell me now, is there anymore kids your hiding b4 we marry!"


:inlove:

now they have mashallah their own daughter as well:up:

[MG]

story 2, very brief:

A lady i know through my best friend, she is in her early forties,with 4 children the oldest being 17yrs old, for 20years she was in a violent and abusive relationship and then she had enuff and left, thinking she will never get married again.

Subhanallah only one YEAR later a revert brother proposed to her, and they got married, he had children from a previous relationship as well, altogther 7 now i think mashallah!

[Cristiana]

A brother that would never consider a divorced sister for marriage, has clearly more interest for his own little boy's pride ("I want to marry a virgin") than for the example of our Prophet SAWS...

...I wonder if it is the same for divorced brothers...I mean, do they have the same stigma?

[MG]

A brother that would never consider a divorced sister for marriage, has clearly more interest for his own little boy's pride ("I want to marry a virgin") than for the example of our Prophet SAWS...

...I wonder if it is the same for divorced brothers...I mean, do they have the same stigma?


yep they do sis

[Cristiana]

yep they do sis

:(

[peace2u]

I agree with everyone. Divorced men have such an easier time getting married again. A divorced woman, esp a divorced mother, is looked down on, even if it was not her fault that her marriage ended up in divorce.

It seems so selfish that a divorced man would want the 'young virgin bride' when he is not so young himself, is in the same boat being divorced, and would probably get along better anyway with someone who has 'been there'.

Actually, the problem is, most mothers keep the children. If mothers let the fathers keep the children, it would be easier for them to remarry. Men go after women with the least amount of baggage, divorced women who have children are seen has having a lot of baggage even if she is young. My advice, give the kids to the dad until you marry again. :)


Peace

[SisterIslam]

story 2, very brief:

A lady i know through my best friend, she is in her early forties,with 4 children the oldest being 17yrs old, for 20years she was in a violent and abusive relationship and then she had enuff and left, thinking she will never get married again.

Subhanallah only one YEAR later a revert brother proposed to her, and they got married, he had children from a previous relationship as well, altogther 7 now i think mashallah!

nice story sis

[Public Enemy]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:

Like-for-like. Marry another divorcee

[`asiya]

Like-for-like. Marry another divorcee

oh here we go :rolleyes:

[imanalistic]

nothing wrong with getting married to a divorcee, but for personal reasons, i would need to know why she was divorced. anyway, the same can be said about polygamy. why does no one want to get married to a man who is already married if he is able to support more wives?

simple answer, it is a fault in humans in both cases!

[Muhammad2]

I'd marry a divorcee.

Well; one divorcee in particular.

Sadly I don't think she'd be too keen on the idea :(

[imanalistic]

I'd marry a divorcee.

Well; one divorcee in particular.

Sadly I don't think she'd be too keen on the idea :(

why do you think that bro?

i know a brother or 2 who are looking for a second wife. i wonder if any sisters here would be interested???

[bint]

the attitude of men nowadays puts women off. guess thats one reason!

[Muhammad2]

Because one of the last things she said to me before she stopped visiting the website we met on is that she was fed up with being proposed to.

I took that as a hint.

[imanalistic]

the attitude of men nowadays puts women off. guess thats one reason!

why the insult to all men by generalizing us like that?

[imanalistic]

Because one of the last things she said to me before she stopped visiting the website we met on is that she was fed up with being proposed to.

I took that as a hint.

she wasn't the one for you then bro. im sure you will find someone soon insha'allah!

[bint]

why the insult to all men by generalizing us like that?
some men

[MG]

nothing wrong with getting married to a divorcee, but for personal reasons, i would need to know why she was divorced. anyway, the same can be said about polygamy. why does no one want to get married to a man who is already married if he is able to support more wives?

simple answer, it is a fault in humans in both cases!

i have to disagree with your last sentance,when it comes to divorce, it is not always necessarily the fault of both, sometimes it can take just one to cause or make a divorce happen and i think we have seen many examples of that in real life and in examples of problems that people bring onto this website of their marriages.

I'd marry a divorcee.

Well; one divorcee in particular.

Sadly I don't think she'd be too keen on the idea :(

May Allah swt bless u with a rightoues, beautiful wife soon, ameen

[imanalistic]

i have to disagree with your last sentance,when it comes to divorce, it is not always necessarily the fault of both, sometimes it can take just one to cause or make a divorce happen and i think we have seen many examples of that in real life and in examples of problems that people bring onto this website of their marriages.

that is not what i meant. i meant that just how brothers are at fault for not wanting to get married to a divorcee just because she is divorced. sisters who do not want to get married back home or in a polygamy situation are also at fault.

nothing wrong with marrying a divorced sister
nothing wrong with marrying someone from back home
nothing wrong with marrying a brother who is already married

if anyone thinks there is something wrong with the above three, those people are sad and sick!

[pur1ty]

Its a sad the way divorcees are treated. Its really horrible to say the least.

As far as i can remember, in the time of the prophet SAW women used to get divorced, then married again quickly. Even some companions married the divorcees of their friends/fellow companions. There was no stigma in those days, cos men and women were firm in their belief of Allah and knew how to respect and treat one another.

Hopefully we can return to that inshallah.

[fisabilllillah]

divorced women? Divorced women need spouses too. It's a shame that there is so much stigma about divorced women. They are overlooked completely it seems. Even divorced men seem to prefer women who have never been married. It's unfair. A divorced young woman of 26 who is a mother of one may never marry again. Why? :mad: :argue:

i hope they can...and i think this is where polygamous marriages work best cos if there are more women and less men

[jazz8000]

Its a sad the way divorcees are treated. Its really horrible to say the least.

As far as i can remember, in the time of the prophet SAW women used to get divorced, then married again quickly. Even some companions married the divorcees of their friends/fellow companions. There was no stigma in those days, cos men and women were firm in their belief of Allah and knew how to respect and treat one another.

Hopefully we can return to that inshallah.


Ameen... us fellas got a long way to go to match earlier generations.. cant even manage one wife never mind two

[Pro_Candy]

i hope they can...and i think this is where polygamous marriages work best cos if there are more women and less men

What does being divorced have to do with more or less men or women?