Parents or love.

[-Espérer-]

Edit: I meant "whose happiness comes first" in the Poll Question.

Salam,

I don't know if there is already a thread like this. If there is, I apologize. :)

We hear of many many cases where a parent or both parents stop their chil from marrying the person they want to - for no apparent reason. He's not Indian. She's not rich enough. He's not financially stable as yet. Excuses like that.

Ever been in this situation?

Whose happiness do you put first? The person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with... Or your parents?

I knew a man who actually took his relationship with a girl to another level. They wanted to get married and his mum said no.. The girls dad wasn't rich enough for her liking. And so the son actually obeyed his mother, leaving this girl with nothing. Not even her virginity.

Did the guy do the right thing?

In situations like this, should you listen to your parents or the person you want to marry?

Islamically, who comes first?

[bint]

how i ironic. i just watched the film 'my bollywood bride'

parents first.

[Ibn Sina]

how i ironic. i just watched the film 'my bollywood bride'

parents first.

:asta:

but yeah parents first for obvious reasons :up:

[dunya_or_akhira]

Parents Parents and Parents...

Obviously - you only have to look in the Quran how many times Allah swt mentions parents - and have you noticed they are even mentioned directly after Allah swt and the Prophet pbuh

Also under the feet of the mother is Jannah - sahih hadith

Altho the guy and girl in the above story did haram in sleeping before marriage...

[Islamiyyah]

I might come off as a disobiediant child after this, but I'm not.


For me, my happiness is first. I don't understand why people listen to their parents (unless their parents have a good reason i.e he isn't a good Muslim etc etc) and leave the person you love. It's YOUR life and you're the person whose gonna spend the rest of your life with you significant other. I mean it's not like your choosing a new shirt. How can you even live with someone you dont love casue you had to marry them to make your parents happy. To me, its rediculous. Allahu Allam.


If I loved someone, and he was a good Muslim and everything was good about him to me, then I would marry him regaurdless what other's say. In the end it's my life, and I'm living it.

But also, maybe it's my culture that brings me to think this way. In the hispanic culture we obey our parents of course ( or we'll get a beating with the belt) but when it comes to relationships etc, we dont but in. I notice in the Indian/Pak/Desi/Arab cultures they are much more closer with their parents. Their relationship is very very close and deep. So I dunno, I guess the persons way of thinkig also depends on the relationship with parents.

Becasue for me, I listen to my mother of course, but we act more like sisters than mother and daughter as opposed to an arab daughter and her mother. She will actually see her mom as a mother, and obey her in that sense. I dunno how to describe what I'm saying :o

[-Espérer-]

Yes but you're not going to marry your parents now are you? This is about a whole future and so many new lives. Yes, parents comes first in everyhting but parents have to put their selfish needs and desires away at some point when it comes to marriage. Really, turn down someone because she's not rich? Or because they are not from the same background?

I know if I wanted to marry someone and had never been so certain about it.. And my parents said no for a reason like that... I would convince them to let me go ahead with it, if not I'd still go ahead with it. Ok if they said no because he wasn't a good Muslim or something like that I would understand....

[MrOnline]

Well for a women i heard its the husbands parents. For a man i heard it's his parents.

[dunya_or_akhira]

[SIZE="3"][FONT="Times New Roman"]I might come off as a disobiediant child after this, but I'm not.

no you may not be disobediant...more western thinking though where parents dont mind their kids thinking like this..


For me, my happiness is first. I don't understand why people listen to their parents (unless their parents have a good reason i.e he isn't a good Muslim etc etc) and leave the person you love. It's YOUR life and you're the person whose gonna spend the rest of your life with you significant other. I mean it's not like your choosing a new shirt. How can you even live with someone you dont love casue you had to marry them to make your parents happy. To me, its rediculous. Allahu Allam.

again sounds like what i hear kuffar say...its my life etc no mention of the wisdom of parents... i agree in some cases some parents may not have the best interests of their child but i think its very rare - most muslim parents think of THEIR children first then themselves,,, very opposite to YOUR thinking however if your parents dont mind then i cant complain


If I loved someone, and he was a good Muslim and everything was good about him to me, then I would marry him regaurdless what other's say. In the end it's my life, and I'm living it.

How can you love someone before marrying them? unless there is free mixing going on before marriage for the love to develop

again - its your life and your living it - another classic line i hear from many unislamic cultures....i suppose if your parents had no role in bringing you into this life and feeding you and caring for you all them years.... - maybe if thats the case then i understand...but again in most cases its not the case from muslim parents unless they WANT their kids to choose their own partners

But also, maybe it's my culture that brings me to think this way. In the hispanic culture we obey our parents of course ( or we'll get a beating with the belt) but when it comes to relationships etc, we dont but in. I notice in the Indian/Pak/Desi/Arab cultures they are much more closer with their parents. Their relationship is very very close and deep. So I dunno, I guess the persons way of thinkig also depends on the relationship with parents.

that pretty much explains why you think like you do...so in that case i kind of understand why you think like you do...

[-Espérer-]

UT I agree with you. At the end of the day it's my turn to turn over a leaf and live the life that my parents have alrwady lived - and so I will marry whom I want to regardless of culture, money, skin colour etc... As long as I know he is a good Muslim. Right?

[Islamiyyah]

Yes but you're not going to marry your parents now are you? This is about a whole future and so many new lives. Yes, parents comes first in everyhting but parents have to put their selfish needs and desires away at some point when it comes to marriage. Really, turn down someone because she's not rich? Or because they are not from the same background?

I know if I wanted to marry someone and had never been so certain about it.. And my parents said no for a reason like that... I would convince them to let me go ahead with it, if not I'd still go ahead with it. Ok if they said no because he wasn't a good Muslim or something like that I would understand....

Exactly.

[leela]

I don't think it's that simple. One must look at the circumstances and make an informed decision. Sometimes parents (eventually) come to accept the choice of their child and see that it was for the best. In a case where a person can't even begin to contemplate being with someone other than the person their parents don't approve of, (and not being able to marry them might lead to some kind of sin), should perhaps just get married.
Of course, most parents want what's best for their child, so their opinion should be heard and a decision reached based on (very) careful consideration. Allah knows best.

[fisabilllillah]

Islamically the parents come fisrt but also islamically your deen or PLeasing Allah swt comes first. So if your parents are telling you or forbidding you from pleasing Allah swt then you have can disobey them....fisabillilah....

Many parents will have cultural opinions on marriage and will encourage their children to follow suit...If you find a pious partner then your parents must have a correct basis to reject them and if their basis is contrary to islam then you have the right to marry without their consent. Of course, every situation is different and holds different cicrcumstances.

[insomniac]

Deen first and that would entail parents.

If for example it was a case of parents refusing most marriage proposals for material reasons or on the basis that a guy is too religious or something really stupid like that, then by all means I would recommend persuading and convincing parents to see your way insha'Allaah.

NOTE: eloquence is required as opposed to strops :up:

Also, if your facing phenomenal difficulty in getting married to a particular person - hint hint

[bint]

yeah well at the end of the day it depends on what the situation is. if the parents are disagreeing on a stupid and unislamic reason then..i wud go for it. if they have valid reasons then i wudnt.

[-Espérer-]

There is nothing Kuffar thinking about what UT said. It doesn't make her a bad person to want to marry someone she wants to. Personally, from my point of view, nothing matters as long as they have good deen, good enough to help me with my deen and enable us to raise our children as good muslims. For me, that's all that matters. And if I parents were to stop me just bcause he's Arab then I'm sorry but a day will come when they will have to accept that this is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. And if it was the guy I wanted to marry in this situation, I expect the same from him.

[bint]

edited*

[Islamiyyah]

no more western thinking tho



again sounds like what i hear kuffar say...its my life etc no mention of the wisdom of parents... i agree in some cases some parents may not have the best interests of their child but i think its very rare - most muslim parents think of THEIR children first then themselves,,, very opposite to YOUR thinking

Dont misquote me. I obey my parents in everything, and if they though the man I was going to marry wasnt good and they had GOOD REASONS such as:

1) He isnt muslim

2) He isnt a good/practicing Muslim

3) He has a bad reputation

Then okay I'll listen.

But if its stupid stuff like he isnt rich, I dont like his mom, etc etc. Then I'm sorry but I am my own person, I am accountable for my actions. If I marry someone I didnt want to simpky becasue myparents were happy if I did so, I would most likely have a crappy marriage and end up divorcing him, and wasting my life. Not to mention constantly thinking about the one I truley love while being married to someone else.

[dunya_or_akhira]

Well for a women i heard its the husbands parents. For a man i heard it's his parents.

From what i read :

Husband: most important is mother x 3 then father

Wife: Husband most important

this is in terms of obeying if it does not contradict the Quran and Sunnah

[-Espérer-]

My cousins best friend turned down the guy she wanted to marry because her parents wanted her to marry someone from back home. This whole process took ages and she constantly said she wasn't happy but for her parents happiness, she finally agreed. What happens first night? The man her parents chose smacked her for rejecting his proposal for so long before accepting it. What's this girls situation right now? Got the man deported and is finding it hard to remarry.

So with marriage, I dno't think parents should come first. I say, trust your heart.

[-Espérer-]

From what i read :

Husband: most important is mother x 3 then father

Wife: Husband most important

this is in terms of obeying if it does not contradict the Quran and Sunnah

Really? :S So where does that leave the wife?

[insomniac]

Really? :S So where does that leave the wife?

Happily married insha'Allaah :)

[-Espérer-]

Hmm.. Really?

[dunya_or_akhira]

Dont misquote me. I obey my parents in everything, and if they though the man I was going to marry wasnt good and they had GOOD REASONS such as:

1) He isnt muslim

2) He isnt a good/practicing Muslim

3) He has a bad reputation

Then okay I'll listen.

But if its stupid stuff like he isnt rich, I dont like his mom, etc etc. Then I'm sorry but I am my own person, I am accountable for my actions. If I marry someone I didnt want to simpky becasue myparents were happy if I did so, I would most likely have a crappy marriage and end up divorcing him, and wasting my life. Not to mention constantly thinking about the one I truley love while being married to someone else.

Islam regards marriages that are against the will of the girl or the guy invalid...so of course no one is saying close your eyes and just marry whoever parents decide...

There should be compromise - so the parents of both parties are happy along with the girl and guy

Not to mention constantly thinking about the one I truley love while being married to someone else

well thats wrong - how can you think of someone else when you wasnt married - unless you were involved in zina of some sort to develop love with someone before marriage - plus true love is for the sake of Allah swt and that rules out any haram forms of love which exists before marriage between non mahrams

[fisabilllillah]

Edit: I meant "whose happiness comes first" in the Poll Question.

Salam,

I don't know if there is already a thread like this. If there is, I apologize. :)

We hear of many many cases where a parent or both parents stop their chil from marrying the person they want to - for no apparent reason. He's not Indian. She's not rich enough. He's not financially stable as yet. Excuses like that.

Ever been in this situation?

Whose happiness do you put first? The person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with... Or your parents?

I knew a man who actually took his relationship with a girl to another level. They wanted to get married and his mum said no.. The girls dad wasn't rich enough for her liking. And so the son actually obeyed his mother, leaving this girl with nothing. Not even her virginity.

Did the guy do the right thing?

In situations like this, should you listen to your parents or the person you want to marry?

Islamically, who comes first?


i personally feel men like that are cowards and need to be responsible when dealing with such circumstances. Im devastated to hear this man had left this woman after he had taken her virginity astaghfurillah what cowardice. i am sorry to say this but he should have thought of his family in the first place before he engaged in anyintimate form of relationship . This is the common situation which men abuse and women r left with no rights thats why its soo important to marry before engaging in any form of relationship. I think in order to rectify the situation, the 'couple' should marry and encourage parents to be progressive and help fix the situation rather cause further damages . I think if families broke away from cultural desires, situations like these would not be soo close to home. Furthermore, i think the older generation needs to be educated about marriage and the concerns of their younger generation. I think if cultural stubborness and ignorance is removed thru education and islam none of these situations would occur and the older generation needs to understand that it is not practical to import certain views of marriage into a society which is so dynamically different.

[Islamiyyah]

Islam regards marriages that are against the will of the girl or the guy invalid...so of course no one is saying close your eyes and just marry whoever parents decide...

There should be compromise - so the parents of both parties are happy along with the girl and guy



well thats wrong - how can you think of someone else when you wasnt married - unless you were involved in zina of some sort to develop love with someone before marriage - plus true love is for the sake of Allah swt and that rules out any haram forms of love which exists before marriage between non mahrams

I know you cant marry without their consent, so you will just have to convince them. If you cant then speak to the Sheikh of your masjid too. I am quite aware your marriage is invalid if your parents didnt agree.

[insomniac]

.....

[leela]

Did the guy do the right thing?

In situations like this, should you listen to your parents or the person you want to marry?

Islamically, who comes first?


i personally feel men like that are cowards and need to be responsible when dealing with such circumstances. Im devastated to hear this man had left this woman after he had taken her virginity astaghfurillah what cowardice. i am sorry to say this but he should have thought of his family in the first place before he engaged in anyintimate form of relationship . This is the common situation which men abuse and women r left with no rights thats why its soo important to marry before engaging in any form of relationship. I think in order to rectify the situation, the 'couple' should marry and encourage parents to be progressive and help fix the situation rather cause further damages . I think if families broke away from cultural desires, situations like these would not be soo close to home. Furthermore, i think the older generation needs to be educated about marriage and the concerns of their younger generation. I think if cultural stubborness and ignorance is removed thru education and islam none of these situations would occur and the older generation needs to understand that it is not practical to import certain views of marriage into a society which is so dynamically different.

Well, maybe they shouldn't have had a sexual relationship before marriage, but the blame can't be entirely his. The woman consented to the relationship, so they're both responsible for the consequences.

[fisabilllillah]

read the first page of the thread---------

[fisabilllillah]

Well, maybe they shouldn't have had a sexual relationship before marriage, but the blame can't be entirely his. The woman consented to the relationship, so they're both responsible for the consequences.

yes thats true...i agree but i also feel its the nature of society and cultural oppression that causes such a situation. Cos the mum wanted a richer daughter in law-----but they shudve got married before having an intimate relationship .....

[Enigma Dreamer]

It depends on the situation. By principal, parents come first. But if say, you got a religious person with good characters and the parents reject because they want you to marry your cousin who doesn't pray, then in that case, the one you love comes first because by so doing, you are obeying Allah (s.w.) in being obedient to your parents always except when that goes against the wishes of the Almighty (s.w.) as in this case.

[fisabilllillah]

It depends on the situation. By principal, parents come first. But if say, you got a religious person with good characters and the parents reject because hey want you to marry your cousin who doesn't pray, then in that case, the one you love comes first because by so doing, you are obeying Allah (s.w.) in being obedient to your parents always except when that goes against the wishes f the Almighty (s.w.) as in this case.

i absoluteltly 100% agreeeeeee :up: excellente! :D

[Zaina in Jena]

i personally feel men like that are cowards and need to be responsible when dealing with such circumstances. Im devastated to hear this man had left this woman after he had taken her virginity astaghfurillah what cowardice. i am sorry to say this but he should have thought of his family in the first place before he engaged in anyintimate form of relationship . This is the common situation which men abuse and women r left with no rights thats why its soo important to marry before engaging in any form of relationship. I think in order to rectify the situation, the 'couple' should marry and encourage parents to be progressive and help fix the situation rather cause further damages . I think if families broke away from cultural desires, situations like these would not be soo close to home. Furthermore, i think the older generation needs to be educated about marriage and the concerns of their younger generation. I think if cultural stubborness and ignorance is removed thru education and islam none of these situations would occur and the older generation needs to understand that it is not practical to import certain views of marriage into a society which is so dynamically different.

Very well said:up:. It is unfortunate that after all these years we are still not seeing some things with clarity :confused:. Not to mention the Quaran and Sunnah teaching us that material things are not what makes a person who and what they are yet it is their obedience to Allah, character and deeds that do. It is a shame that there are still Muslims that have been holding on to such discriminating values. Insha Allah if the parents are just then follow, if they are not seek refuge in Allah and heed the message.

[Z-Blade]

Salam,

We hear of many many cases where a parent or both parents stop their chil from marrying the person they want to - for no apparent reason. He's not Indian. She's not rich enough. He's not financially stable as yet. Excuses like that.

Ever been in this situation?

Whose happiness do you put first? The person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with... Or your parents?

I knew a man who actually took his relationship with a girl to another level. They wanted to get married and his mum said no.. The girls dad wasn't rich enough for her liking. And so the son actually obeyed his mother, leaving this girl with nothing. Not even her virginity.

Did the guy do the right thing?

In situations like this, should you listen to your parents or the person you want to marry?

Islamically, who comes first?

:salams,

In the above situation, I would say the parents were wrong to not let them get married because the reason they gave was something worldly and has nothing to do with if the couple were compatible. Since they've already done haram together, they may as well get married and make it halal and repent this way and in future keep away from such forbidden acts.

No, I've never been in this situation Alhamdulillah. Islamically, the parents come first, however it doesn't mean you can't try change their mind if they say no. You keep at it and show them respectfully how they're wrong and show them what Allah and His Rasul :saw: have said on the matter and you make dua.

However, if they say no and solid grounds, such as due to Aqida of the other partner or his characteristics etc. then you should listen to them. Over such petty things like wealth, then you don't really have to go with their opinion but you should try to get their blessing and consent nonetheless.

Wassalam.

[fisabilllillah]

Very well said:up:. It is unfortunate that after all these years we are still not seeing some things with clarity :confused:. Not to mention the Quaran and Sunnah teaching us that material things are not what makes a person who and what they are yet it is their obedience to Allah, character and deeds that do. It is a shame that there are still Muslims that have been holding on to such discriminating values. Insha Allah if the parents are just then follow, if they are not seek refuge in Allah and heed the message.

this wonderful hadith comes to mind------i think its great advice for those who want to marry not for their parents sake or for worldly love but for fisabillilah the love of allah:
(cos ultimately marriage is about completing half ur deen)----------------

RASOOLALLAH SAW SAID:

'WHOEVER SEEKS THE PLEASURE OF ALLAH AT THE RISK OF DISPLEASING THE PEOPLE,ALLAH WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM, AND PROTECT HIM FROM THEM. BUT WHOEVER SEEKS THE PLEASURE OF THE PEOPLE AT THE RISK OF DISPLEASING ALLAH, ALLAH WILL ABANDON HIM TO THE CARE OF PEOPLE.'
TIRMIDHI

[Zaina in Jena]

this wonderful hadith comes to mind------i think its great advice for those who want to marry not for their parents sake or for worldly love but for fisabillilah the love of allah:
(cos ultimately marriage is about completing half ur deen)----------------

RASOOLALLAH SAW SAID:

'WHOEVER SEEKS THE PLEASURE OF ALLAH AT THE RISK OF DISPLEASING THE PEOPLE,ALLAH WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM, AND PROTECT HIM FROM THEM. BUT WHOEVER SEEKS THE PLEASURE OF THE PEOPLE AT THE RISK OF DISPLEASING ALLAH, ALLAH WILL ABANDON HIM TO THE CARE OF PEOPLE.'
TIRMIDHI

LOVE IT!!! So perfect for this topic ur my hero :o

[angel*]

Mmm i think parents cum 1st full stop but when it cums 2 marriage i think tis important to be able 2 decide for urself whose the best person 4 you deen wise and of course character wise. If ur parents are rejecting a good islamic rishta bcuz hes not a "daaktar" or "waqil" well then i think thats wrong. I wuldnt ever go "against" my parents but i wuld definatly with time bring them around 2 c my point of view and hopefully they will see that hvaeing a good job or cumming from a wealthy background dosnt always equal happiness but fearing Allah swt and haveing a good person 4 a life partner equals happiness. And of course ur happiness means thier happiness so they shuldnt refuse.

[munyeka]

Without a doubt parents.....

...speaking of my own experience...without going into too much depth...found a guy (this was over 3 years ago) THOUGHT it was love, and ultimately I had to make a choice....my parents or this guy!

Pondering, thinking, deliberating, sleepless nights, uneaten meals, and wasted time, the tears, the pain, the loss....i know all about it!

At the end of it in my heart I was too scared of Allah. If I disobeyed my parents that would make Allah angry. And for me, ultimately if Allah was angry with me, what kind of a life would I have?

Alhumdollilah, Allah guided me to the path which was correct, and after giving up what I thought was love.... every tiny aspect of my life fell into place. I passed my driving test, I went travelling, I found a great job, I performed Hajj, and I have grown closer to my parents than more than ways that I could have imagined...and I know that each time they raise their hands in dua...they pray for me. And you know I know I made the right decision.... now I just wait for Allah to bless me with a good husband, inshallah.

If you are going through this now please do not disobey your parents, because disobeying your parents incurs the wrath of Allah. Imagine all that they have sacrificed for us.

There is hadith which states that even if you were to perform Hajj whilst carrying your mum on shoulders through each ritual, you would not fulfil the rights of your mum of a single moan that she moaned due to the pain of childbirth. (or something along those lines)

The hearts of this boy/girl that you claim to love is the hands of Allah. Allah will and can change this as he wishes. And I too made these silly excuses, its my life, I will be living it. Sure, but remember, one day you will accountable for this life. The excellence of our parents is reflected in their children.

The neighbour of Hazrat Moosa, kaleemullah, the prophet, which could speak to Allah, will be a person who took his frail mum in his arms and fed her and looked after her. This too is a reflection in my own life…Allah has blessed me abundantly since I began to realise the sanctity of my dear mum and dad, and mostly important he has blessed me with stronger faith.

And in turn one day remember, you too will become parents and what comes around definitely goes around, and the manner in which you treat your parents, will be the manner you are treated by your children.

I understand not everyone has wonderful mummies and daddies such as I , but try to find the balance…..but whatever you do…do not under any circumstances break your mums heart to marry the guy/girl you claim to love . it’s a recipe for disaster!

[MG]

Without a doubt parents.....

...speaking of my own experience...without going into too much depth...found a guy (this was over 3 years ago) THOUGHT it was love, and ultimately I had to make a choice....my parents or this guy!

Pondering, thinking, deliberating, sleepless nights, uneaten meals, and wasted time, the tears, the pain, the loss....i know all about it!

At the end of it in my heart I was too scared of Allah. If I disobeyed my parents that would make Allah angry. And for me, ultimately if Allah was angry with me, what kind of a life would I have?

Alhumdollilah, Allah guided me to the path which was correct, and after giving up what I thought was love.... every tiny aspect of my life fell into place. I passed my driving test, I went travelling, I found a great job, I performed Hajj, and I have grown closer to my parents than more than ways that I could have imagined...and I know that each time they raise their hands in dua...they pray for me. And you know I know I made the right decision.... now I just wait for Allah to bless me with a good husband, inshallah.

If you are going through this now please do not disobey your parents, because disobeying your parents incurs the wrath of Allah. Imagine all that they have sacrificed for us.

There is hadith which states that even if you were to perform Hajj whilst carrying your mum on shoulders through each ritual, you would not fulfil the rights of your mum of a single moan that she moaned due to the pain of childbirth. (or something along those lines)

The hearts of this boy/girl that you claim to love is the hands of Allah. Allah will and can change this as he wishes. And I too made these silly excuses, its my life, I will be living it. Sure, but remember, one day you will accountable for this life. The excellence of our parents is reflected in their children.

The neighbour of Hazrat Moosa, kaleemullah, the prophet, which could speak to Allah, will be a person who took his frail mum in his arms and fed her and looked after her. This too is a reflection in my own life…Allah has blessed me abundantly since I began to realise the sanctity of my dear mum and dad, and mostly important he has blessed me with stronger faith.

And in turn one day remember, you too will become parents and what comes around definitely goes around, and the manner in which you treat your parents, will be the manner you are treated by your children.

I understand not everyone has wonderful mummies and daddies such as I , but try to find the balance…..but whatever you do…do not under any circumstances break your mums heart to marry the guy/girl you claim to love . it’s a recipe for disaster!


beautiful post sis, may Allah swt bless u with a pious, kind and righteous husband soon ameen!

[GuCcI]

parents always...

as for the situation on the first post, first page... they shouldnt have slept together before marriage anyway :smack:

i honestly believe parents choose someone for u with wisdom because they have been through life and had experiences we hadnt. i'd rather have my parents blessings getting married than their anger and rage :up:

[-Shamil-]

parents always...

as for the situation on the first post, first page... they shouldnt have slept together before marriage anyway :smack:



exactly and from the original post it seems to suggest that it was the guys fault for "taking her virginity"

he didnt take it - she gave it, the girl has no-one to blame but herself for her foolishness and weakness and now she must face the consequences whatever they may be

to choose some random person you have known for a few weeks or months over your parents seems pretty strange - if your parents have valid reasons then you should accept their stance

[Z-Blade]

exactly and from the original post it seems to suggest that it was the guys fault for "taking her virginity"

he didnt take it - she gave it, the girl has no-one to blame but herself for her foolishness and weakness and now she must face the consequences whatever they may be

to choose some random person you have known for a few weeks or months over your parents seems pretty strange - if your parents have valid reasons then you should accept their stance

:salams,

You are right. But the problem here is that the parents rejected the girl based on invalid reasons (in this case, the father was too poor). It would be better for them to get married due to what's happened between them, so that they wouldn't come close to this kind of haram activity in future as well as the heart-break involved.

Wassalam.

[-Shamil-]

:salams,

You are right. But the problem here is that the parents rejected the girl based on invalid reasons (in this case, the father was too poor). It would be better for them to get married due to what's happened between them, so that they wouldn't come close to this kind of haram activity in future as well as the heart-break involved.

Wassalam.

well from the original post, it suggests they slept together first and then realised later they couldnt married

i dont mean to be harsh on the girl but the parents were right were they not?

what kind of parent would want their child to marry someone who sleeps with people before marriage

what the parents have to realise if their son is no angel either and sort him out - but it seems their judgement of the character of the girl was spot on

salam

[bint]

i think its fair to say it was BOTH their fault.

[Islamiyyah]

I just wanted to add, maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I feel people are attacking me kind of with my choice of love. I only choose that if YOUR PARENTS DO NOT HAVE A VALID REASON. EX: He's not the same race, he's too religious etc. And I do AKNOWLEDGE that your marriage is NOT VALID unless your parents agree. All I am saying is, if you really love or want to be with that person, then just convince your parents until they say yes.

[Enigma Dreamer]

:salams,

You are right. But the problem here is that the parents rejected the girl based on invalid reasons (in this case, the father was too poor). It would be better for them to get married due to what's happened between them, so that they wouldn't come close to this kind of haram activity in future as well as the heart-break involved.

Wassalam.
Indeed. It is not fair to say it was the girl's fault only-yes she bears a blame because she didn't say no-because the boy is also involved. He is rejecting because he slept with him? The parents are rejecting because she slept with their son? That just doesn't add up. The best they could do in my view would be to convince their parents and after ascertaining that the girl isn't pregnant, get married.

Allahu a'lam.

[-Shamil-]

i think its fair to say it was BOTH their fault.

agreed

and probably also fair to say that the judgement of the parents on the girl was correct too

[Z-Blade]

:salams,

well from the original post, it suggests they slept together first and then realised later they couldnt married

i dont mean to be harsh on the girl but the parents were right were they not?

what kind of parent would want their child to marry someone who sleeps with people before marriage

what the parents have to realise if their son is no angel either and sort him out - but it seems their judgement of the character of the girl was spot on

salam

Akhi, the thing is, she was not rejected because she slept around. But she was rejected just because her father is too poor!:

I knew a man who actually took his relationship with a girl to another level. They wanted to get married and his mum said no.. The girls dad wasn't rich enough for her liking. And so the son actually obeyed his mother, leaving this girl with nothing. Not even her virginity

Indeed. It is not fair to say it was the girl's fault only-yes she bears a blame because she didn't say no-because the boy is also involved. He is rejecting because he slept with him? The parents are rejecting because she slept with their son? That just doesn't add up. The best they could do in my view would be to convince their parents and after ascertaining that the girl isn't pregnant, get married.

Allahu a'lam.

I agree with what you have said akhi, though I don't get the part in bold?! Isn't it more reason for them both to get married to each other since they're going to have a child?!

Wassalam.

[Cristiana]

I can't answer.

There's no black or white. And it depends on the people involved.

If the parents are unreasonable about your choice of husband, then he comes first.
Otherwise I guess your parents deserve more consideration islamically?

[bint]

agreed

and probably also fair to say that the judgement of the parents on the girl was correct too
and what judgement was that shamil?

[Enigma Dreamer]

:salams,

I agree with what you have said ukhti, though I don't get the part in bold?! Isn't it more reason for them both to get married to each other since they're going to have a child?!

Wassalam.
Wa'aleykumu salaam warahmatulLaahi wabrakaatuh.

I am an akh not an ukhti, ukhti :)

As for the part in bold, this is because in Islam you CAN NOT marry a pregnant woman. That is why it is suggested when they do it before marriage, they should wait for the girl to have one period and after that, having known her womb is clear, and then REPENT sincerely, then they can marry.

[-Shamil-]

and what judgement was that shamil?

actually re-reading the original post their judgement was pretty stupid too - rejecting her for money :rolleyes:

but if they had put up a valid reason i.e rejecting her for her charachter, or isnt practising etc. then maybe they would have been right

[bint]

actually re-reading the original post their judgement was pretty stupid too - rejecting her for money :rolleyes:

but if they had put up a valid reason i.e rejecting her for her charachter, or isnt practising etc. then maybe they would have been right

exactly.

[Z-Blade]

Wa'aleykumu salaam warahmatulLaahi wabrakaatuh.

I am an akh not an ukhti, ukhti :)

As for the part in bold, this is because in Islam you CAN NOT marry a pregnant woman. That is why it is suggested when they do it before marriage, they should wait for the girl to have one period and after that, having known her womb is clear, and then REPENT sincerely, then they can marry.

:salams bro (sorry for the mistake before :embar: :o),

Hmmm, can you please give daleel for this? As I'm certain they can marry because she has never been married before and it's to the person she did zina with. It would be strange to with-hold the presence of a father. The ruling you have given is only for those divorced or previously married.

but if they had put up a valid reason i.e rejecting her for her charachter, or isnt practising etc. then maybe they would have been right

Thing is, they shouldn't really do that, since Allah has said:

Surah Noor ayah 3

الزَّانِي لا يَنْكِحُ إلا زَانِيَةً أَوْ مُشْرِكَةً وَالزَّانِيَةُ لا يَنْكِحُهَا إِلا زَانٍ أَوْ مُشْرِكٌ وَحُرِّمَ ذَلِكَ عَلَى الْمُؤْمِنِينَ
Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

Surah 24: An-Nur

26.
Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision.
الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ أُوْلَئِكَ مُبَرَّؤُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ (٢٦)
(http://en.quran.nu/quran/sound/ayat/024/026.rm)
Wassalam.

[Enigma Dreamer]

:salams bro (sorry for the mistake before :embar: :o),

Hmmm, can you please give daleel for this? As I'm certain they can marry [B][SIZE="4"]because

Wassalam.

Assalaamu 'aleykum sis.
Sister the ruling is general. Any PREGNANT woman whether she conceived due to marriage or zina has to give birth, and only after that can she get married.

Question:
I am a muslim that converted about three years ago. I am still learning and I have a question. I have been told that if I had sex after I converted I would not be able to islamically get married under the ways of islam. I wanted to know if this is true and if it is, is there any way to correct the deed that I am so very sorry for.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

The one who has committed zina (fornication or adultery) has to repent, because zina is one of the major sins which are forbidden in Islam and for which a stern warning is issued to the one who does them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace”

[al-Furqaan 25:68-69]

The punishment must be carried out in this world on the one who has committed zina (fornication or adultery), as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The fornicatress and the fornicator, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment prescribed by Allaah, if you believe in Allaah and the Last Day. And let a party of the believers witness their punishment”

[al-Noor 24:2]

It was narrated in a hadeeth from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Receive (teaching) from me, receive (teaching) from me. Allaah has ordained a way for those (women). When an unmarried male commits adultery with an unmarried female, (they should receive) one hundred lashes and banishment for one year. And in the case of a married male committing adultery with a married female, they shall receive one hundred lashes and be stoned to death.”

(Narrated by Muslim, al-Hudood, 3199).

Allaah has forbidden the believers to marry a person who commits zina, whether man or woman. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulteress — fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress –fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer — fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer — fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)”

[al-Noor 24:3]

If the one who has committed zina repents to Allaah, truly and sincerely, then Allaah will forgive him or her, and overlook the sin. Allaah says, after mentioning the warning to those who commit zina:

“Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful.

And whosoever repents and does righteous good deeds; then verily, he repents towards Allaah with true repentance”

[al-Furqaan 25:70-71 – interpretation of the meaning]

If the person repents sincerely, then it becomes permissible for him or her to get married, after they give up this sin.

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem was asked about the ont color="#ff0000">rulingont> on getting married to a woman who has committed zina. He said: “it is not permissible to marry the woman who has committed adultery until she repents… if a man wants to marry her, he has to be sure that she is not pregnant, by waiting until she has a period before he does the marriage contract with her. If she is pregnant, then it is not permissible for him to marry her until she has given birth.”

See al-Fataawa al-Jaami’ah li’l-Mar’ah al-Muslimah, 2/584

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

[Z-Blade]

Assalaamu 'aleykum sis.
Sister the ruling is general. Any PREGNANT woman whether she conceived due to marriage or zina has to give birth, and only after that can she get married.


:wswrwb:,

GRRRrrr, I'm not a sister dear sis, please make sure you get that right ;).

From the evidences above, no where does it say that they cannot marry.

And it seems like the fatwa goes agaisnt these ayah:

Surah Noor ayah 3

الزَّانِي لا يَنْكِحُ إلا زَانِيَةً أَوْ مُشْرِكَةً وَالزَّانِيَةُ لا يَنْكِحُهَا إِلا زَانٍ أَوْ مُشْرِكٌ وَحُرِّمَ ذَلِكَ عَلَى الْمُؤْمِنِينَ
Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

Surah 24: An-Nur

26.
Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision.
الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ أُوْلَئِكَ مُبَرَّؤُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ (٢٦)
(http://en.quran.nu/quran/sound/ayat/024/026.rm)
So, can you please give a fatwa according to the 4 madhabs? I don't take from anyone except the salaf and traditional Sunni scholars. :jkk:.

Wassalam.

[Enigma Dreamer]

:wswrwb:,

GRRRrrr, I'm not a sister dear sis, please make sure you get that right ;).

Can you please give a fatwa according to the 4 madhabs? I don't take from anyone except the salaf and traditional Sunni scholars. :jkk:.

Wassalam.

sis oops bro ;)
that is a fatwa from ISLAMQA (http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=87894&ln=eng&txt=ruling%20on%20pregnant%20zaani%20woman)

[Z-Blade]

sis oops bro ;)
that is a fatwa from ISLAMQA (http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=87894&ln=eng&txt=ruling%20on%20pregnant%20zaani%20woman)

:salams,

Yes I can see that brother, and :jkk: for your efforts. However, do you have anything from the 4 madhabs? I am Hanafi myself. I'm only asking since the evidences they gave are not convincing nor does it say she cannot marry an adulterer like herself.

Wassalam.

[Enigma Dreamer]

:salams,

Yes I can see that brother, and :jkk: for your efforts. However, do you have anything from the 4 madhabs? I am Hanafi myself. I'm only asking since the evidences they gave are not convincing nor does it say she cannot marry an adulterer like herself.

Wassalam.
Bro she can marry no doubt but only after a sincere repentance and a clear womb. I quote:
If he wants to marry her, then he must wait for one menstrual cycle to establish whether her womb is empty before doing the marriage contract with her. If it turns out that she is pregnant, then it is not permissible for him to do the marriage contract with her until after she gives birth, in accordance with the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade a man to water the crop of another with his own water. End quote
At the moment, can't provide a more detailed fatwa, and this is the Salafi view from islamqa

[Z-Blade]

Bro she can marry no doubt but only after a sincere repentance and a clear womb. I quote:

At the moment, can't provide a more detailed fatwa, and this is the Salafi view from islamqa

:salams,

I will check up the tafsir for the verses I posted soon. However, this part:

" in accordance with the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade a man to water the crop of another with his own water"

Goes to show, if she was to marry the one that planted the crop in the first place, then it would be OK? That's what I can understand from reading that.

:jkk:

Wassalam.

[blue rose]

before marriage parents...
after marriage hubby...

love them both...

[Rosalie-Beauty]

Parents first definetly. After all, Jannah lies under the feet of your mother and if ur not aiming for Jannah, u must be really lost.

[-Espérer-]

well from the original post, it suggests they slept together first and then realised later they couldnt married

i dont mean to be harsh on the girl but the parents were right were they not?

what kind of parent would want their child to marry someone who sleeps with people before marriage

what the parents have to realise if their son is no angel either and sort him out - but it seems their judgement of the character of the girl was spot on

salam

They didnt know this about the girl or their son, did they? They didn't judge the girls character but her dads income.

[-Espérer-]

Edit: Just read your other posts, shamil. :) Ignore the above.

[miss-islamic]

If your doing something good but it disobeying your parents and displeasing them it is not accepted by allah (swt).:(

[Stylish-Girly]

Parents because if you dont have their blessings you'll never find true happiness, the guy should've tried convincin his mum doe :rubeyes:

Esperer i like your avatar too :)

[elji]

It really depends on the situation. YOu have to stand up for the truth whether its against your parents.

If your parents have RIDICULOUS reasons for you not getting married like the one you have illustrated then i think the person did the right thing.

[fisabilllillah]

double post

[fisabilllillah]

well from the original post, it suggests they slept together first and then realised later they couldnt married

i dont mean to be harsh on the girl but the parents were right were they not?

what kind of parent would want their child to marry someone who sleeps with people before marriage

what the parents have to realise if their son is no angel either and sort him out - but it seems their judgement of the character of the girl was spot on

salam

Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision.

i think they need to repair their situation, repent to Allah. Both parents must realisethat both their children were at fault and that they must marry before further harm is caused and to prevent fornication.

[sis_niqabi]

salam

i my father or mother objected to me marrying someone i would mos def choose my parents over them. parents know what's best for their child. and also parents,family and friends can see the things in a potential spouse that are wrong that we cannot see.
and i trust that my parents are good judges on choosing a righteous husband for me.

and anyway in Islam the marriage contract cannot be complete without the wali's consent. so i have to have my dad's approval anyway.

[Amatullah Adn]

salam

i my father or mother objected to me marrying someone i would mos def choose my parents over them. parents know what's best for their child. and also parents,family and friends can see the things in a potential spouse that are wrong that we cannot see.
and i trust that my parents are good judges on choosing a righteous husband for me.

and anyway in Islam the marriage contract cannot be complete without the wali's consent. so i have to have my dad's approval anyway.

Some parents know what's best for their children. Others don't.

[fisabilllillah]

It really depends on the situation. YOu have to stand up for the truth whether its against your parents.

If your parents have RIDICULOUS reasons for you not getting married like the one you have illustrated then i think the person did the right thing.

the person did not do the right thing by cimmmiting zina. Instead, that person shouldve convinced his parents about this woman and should never have met her without a third party or wali. I think they should be ashamed of what they did and ask their parents and Allah swt to forgive them. They should try to repair the situation by doing the halal and getting married. If the parents reject, then the children should try to convince them in the best humble manner and make them realise the importance of rectifying a bad deed. May allah forgive them.

[Black_Flag]

PARENTS, PARENTS, PARENTS! i love ma parents...so parents 1st...nd whoever wnts 2 marry me shud respect tht! :p

[elji]

the person did not do the right thing by cimmmiting zina. Instead, that person shouldve convinced his parents about this woman and should never have met her without a third party or wali. I think they should be ashamed of what they did and ask their parents and Allah swt to forgive them. They should try to repair the situation by doing the halal and getting married. If the parents reject, then the children should try to convince them in the best humble manner and make them realise the importance of rectifying a bad deed. May allah forgive them.

apologies i misread the scenario.....you are right in this scenario but in any other situation as long as a man gets married to the woman before having any physical contact then that is not commiting zina. In Islam you do not need parental approval for marriage.

I think if anything parents should be made aware of it, and should be trained that Islam does not allow the imposing of partners of their choice on their sons or daughters.

Saying that as i mentioned in my previous post it reaally depends on the situation, and the type of parents. I personally would never betray my parents as they are very reasonable and have given up a lot of things for me. However there are parents out there who are just plainly mad with their requests. Saying this respect for parents should be witheld in any circumstances.

[elji]

PARENTS, PARENTS, PARENTS! i love ma parents...so parents 1st...nd whoever wnts 2 marry me shud respect tht! :p


you have a lot to learn. Personally i will feel sorry for your wife. Just a bit of advice. Im not against parents but i strongly advice that you stand for the truth and justice in any situation.

[sis_niqabi]

you have a lot to learn. Personally i will feel sorry for your wife. Just a bit of advice. Im not against parents but i strongly advice that you stand for the truth and justice in any situation.

you know parents are the ones who raised you,fed you,gave you food and clothes they give you love. it is wrong for a person to betray their parents just for some guy or girl. it is just wrong. because a marriage can end bad and break up. and that person will not be your husband/wife anymore. but your parents will be your parents for life

[ImaanSeeker]

you have a lot to learn. Personally i will feel sorry for your wife. Just a bit of advice. Im not against parents but i strongly advice that you stand for the truth and justice in any situation.

so dramatic. :rolleyes:

Just marry someone that you and your parents approve of. It's not that difficult.

Anyone who desires a barakah-filled marriage, then it is essential to marry with the blessings of your parents.

[fisabilllillah]

very true.....i also read sumthing about the plain of araaf.....the state where ppl will neither be in hell or heaven.hose will be the ppl who disobeyed their parents but at the same time fought for allah's sake.............

this is a very scary vision..may allah protect us all. I think balance is essential, a man or woman should only marry to please allah, that is to understand their rights and their parents rights . he needs to think about whats best for the akhira. If his parents encourage him to marry a partner who lacks deen, then he has the right to refuse but if they reject a pious spouse for him then he can refer it to an imam. However, marrying without the consent of you parents must not be a reason to sever ties with family. His parents must come first before anything in this dunya and even if he does marry she must have the approval or fatwa given the circumstances and then this must not be a reason to break ties with the parents. There is hadith that Those who sever ties in the family, sever their tie with Allah swt.
May allah protect us all.

[fisabilllillah]

Ibn Abbas R.A. was asked "Who are the people of the Heights and what are the Heights?" (Al-Araf. 7:46, 48). He replied: "As for the Heights, it is a mountain between the Garden (Jannah) and the Fire (Jahannam). It is so called because it overlooks the Garden and the Fire, and there are trees, fruits, rivers and spring water on it. As for the people who will be on the Heights, they are those who set out for Jihad without the consent of their fathers and mothers, and were killed in the battle. Their being killed for the cause of Allah prevents them from entering the Fire, while their disobedience to their parents prevents them from entering the Garden. Therefore, they remain on the Heights until Allah decides their case". (Sa'id bin Mansoor and Ibn Majah). You see how doing something without the permission of ones parents is also classed as disobedience to parents, and how disobedience to ones parents prevents them from entering the Garden.


sooooooooooooooooo scarryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy may allah protect us all!!! and make us those who please allah....

[Umer Bin Khatab]

i would listen to my parents. if i like somebody and she is religous but my parents disagree with it and after i try convincing them they still disagree with it than i would make a sacrifice for my parents and just go according to their will. i know i can never repay my parents for everything they have done for me and no one can for that matter.

but all i know is when i have kids(if i live that long) i will place no restrictions on my children. they will have a choice to marry whoever they want to as long as he/she is pious and has a good characterand NO i wouldnt want their spouses to be of my nationality or culture:).

[Black_Flag]

you have a lot to learn. Personally i will feel sorry for your wife. Just a bit of advice. Im not against parents but i strongly advice that you stand for the truth and justice in any situation.

im a sister! and yes i would listen to ma parents 1st and foremost..coz i kno they wud nvr teach me or guide me 2 anything wrong..im blessed with open minded parents who look 4 deen not race wen it comes to marriage..so if they dint wnt me 2 marry sum1 it would be for ma own good...and if i bore it with patience and listnd 2 them..then ma reward is with allah inshallah

[Enigma Dreamer]

:salams,

I will check up the tafsir for the verses I posted soon. However, this part:

" in accordance with the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade a man to water the crop of another with his own water"

Goes to show, if she was to marry the one that planted the crop in the first place, then it would be OK? That's what I can understand from reading that.

:jkk:

Wassalam.
Yes, it is his own water but it could be the hadith is general, and that you can't marry a pregnant woman.

[afsalim]

I could NEVER...let me stress NEVER...think of getting married to someone based upon someone else's opinion. The person with whom I will spend the rest of my life with has to be chosen by me.

[Kubs]

I personally believe that you should take your parents feelings into account, but in the end it is your decision. I feel that it is disrespectful to totally disregard their opinion....you should let them give you advice. Remember they are your parents....not just 'anybody'.

I also believe that it is YOU who will be living with this person, not your mum or dad. Marriage is for life. The decision you make will affect your future so it's important that you sit down and think think think!

[Neely]

Really? :S So where does that leave the wife?

Wife becomes mother inshaAllah... child obeys the mother 3x then father :inlove:

[feesabillilah]

i would advise Quran and sunnah for consultation and salatul istikhara :up:

[Z-Blade]

Yes, it is his own water but it could be the hadith is general, and that you can't marry a pregnant woman.

:salams,

I actually know a brother that was in a situation similar to the one mentioned in the original post, and the woman became pregnant, so they married and the 'Alim allowed it. So I guess that would mean she can marry the one who got her pregnant, even if this is through nasty means (zina).

Wassalam.

[$HugoBoss$]

Wifey 4 Lifey.......no just kidding parents of course

[Z-Blade]

I could NEVER...let me stress NEVER...think of getting married to someone based upon someone else's opinion. The person with whom I will spend the rest of my life with has to be chosen by me.

:salams,

I would just like to say, no where in the thread does it say that the parents will be choosing your partner, it's YOU who will make the choice as this is the Islamic way. However, it does not mean you do not take your parents advice, consultation, recommendation and most important of all, their permission and blessing.

Wassalam.

[>Soulja_Gyal<]

Salamualikum.

WITHOUT PARENT'S IS NOTHING.. TRUST ME!!.. I HAVE NO PARENTS AND I REGRET EVERYTHING I DID!! WALAHI!! :(

PARENTS ALL THE WAY, YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND A GOOD SPOUSE THESE DAYS!! ... NO TRUE LOVE MAN...

YA ALLAAH GUIDE US ALL... AMIN

ma'assalama

[Treasured Soul]

My parents always came first

[LiveIslam]

:salams,

I would just like to say, no where in the thread does it say that the parents will be choosing your partner, it's YOU who will make the choice as this is the Islamic way. However, it does not mean you do not take your parents advice, consultation, recommendation and most important of all, their permission and blessing.

Wassalam.
:up:

[Chained_Water]

Parents vs. Potential Spouse (http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115894)

[Kubs]

Salamualikum.

WITHOUT PARENT'S IS NOTHING.. TRUST ME!!.. I HAVE NO PARENTS AND I REGRET EVERYTHING I DID!! WALAHI!! :(

PARENTS ALL THE WAY, YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND A GOOD SPOUSE THESE DAYS!! ... NO TRUE LOVE MAN...

YA ALLAAH GUIDE US ALL... AMIN

ma'assalama

Ve Aleykum Selam,

I'm sorry to hear that. Parents are valuable. You only have one mum and dad.

Don't agree with the second part though.

:)

[Mazed]

lol i might be a bit extreme here but isnt this kinda like asking

"jannah or jahannam..."

well for us boys at least... looking after parents is a must... how can we ditch em n then expect allahs mercy?

[Na'eemah]

I knew a man who actually took his relationship with a girl to another level. They wanted to get married and his mum said no.. The girls dad wasn't rich enough for her liking. And so the son actually obeyed his mother, leaving this girl with nothing. Not even her virginity.



Did he rape her? Or was it consentual, cos in that case it isn't correct to say that he left her with nothing/without her virginity. As they say it takes 2 to tango.
Men come and go, you only get one set of parents. If you have done istikhara and it comes out positive and your parents still don't agree for silly non-Islamic reasons then it should be okay to go ahead and marry the man?

[Raziel]

Edit: I meant "whose happiness comes first" in the Poll Question.

Salam,

I don't know if there is already a thread like this. If there is, I apologize. :)

We hear of many many cases where a parent or both parents stop their chil from marrying the person they want to - for no apparent reason. He's not Indian. She's not rich enough. He's not financially stable as yet. Excuses like that.

Ever been in this situation?

:alhumdull apart from the last one, I havent, But I've heard some ridiculous reasons for refusal ...

Whose happiness do you put first? The person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with... Or your parents?

Parents of Course, but marrying is one thing the Parents can't enforce, it has to be by the decision of the Bride/groom, they can't be forced into it ...

I knew a man who actually took his relationship with a girl to another level. They wanted to get married and his mum said no.. The girls dad wasn't rich enough for her liking. And so the son actually obeyed his mother, leaving this girl with nothing. Not even her virginity.

Did the guy do the right thing?

If he had Pre-Marital sex, (Sex without getting married) then he is Zani (Adulterer) therefore he is a Major Sinner, whether consensual or not ...

In situations like this, should you listen to your parents or the person you want to marry?

Islamically, who comes first?

:jkk:

[afsalim]

:salams,

I would just like to say, no where in the thread does it say that the parents will be choosing your partner, it's YOU who will make the choice as this is the Islamic way. However, it does not mean you do not take your parents advice, consultation, recommendation and most important of all, their permission and blessing.

Wassalam.

Salaam. Of course my parents will have opinion. I could never do anything without their consultation and their blessings. But, I could never think of ending up with a person whom I have never known or know nothing of. I do not believe in playing lottery with my future.

[afsalim]

you have a lot to learn. Personally i will feel sorry for your wife. Just a bit of advice. Im not against parents but i strongly advice that you stand for the truth and justice in any situation.

Regardless of the marital status a person must learn to respect and possibly love his/her in-laws. I am scheduled to get married inshAllah in 3 months. I have promised myself that I would love, cherish and care for my in-laws as I would do for my own parents. I would also expect (though I wont force) the same from my wife.

[>Soulja_Gyal<]

Ve Aleykum Selam,

I'm sorry to hear that. Parents are valuable. You only have one mum and dad.

Don't agree with the second part though.

:)

Salamualikum.

It happens nothing i can do or anyone sis... My Mom died and me Pa left me homies and went to another gyal or something when i was very very small :(... i have 1 Mom (who's died) and i have 1 step pa not real pa as i dn't even wana know him....

May Allaah meet me up with them in Janah Amin

Ma'assalama

[Umm 'Umarah]

omg! the guy is a complete and utter selfish sleeze to do that to her and take her viriginity away like that and then have the nerve not to marry her, what a total moron. It's so pathetic that he didn't marry her for such stupid reasons. blame the guy not the parents. if he wanted to marry this girl he really could have done without taking the nonsense excuses his family have put to him. there are stupid men out there who do this to girls, play them along pretending that they are in love and all that, but when push comes to shove they do nothing about it. that's not love. that's cowardice and stupidity. don't kid yourself thinking that he loved you because he never did. talk is cheap, actions speak louder than the decleration of a few sweet words. don't waste your time falling for it.

[leela]

omg! the guy is a complete and utter selfish sleeze to do that to her and take her viriginity away like that and then have the nerve not to marry her, what a total moron. It's so pathetic that he didn't marry her for such stupid reasons. blame the guy not the parents. if he wanted to marry this girl he really could have done without taking the nonsense excuses his family have put to him. there are stupid men out there who do this to girls, play them along pretending that they are in love and all that, but when push comes to shove they do nothing about it. that's not love. that's cowardice and stupidity. don't kid yourself thinking that he loved you because he never did. talk is cheap, actions speak louder than the decleration of a few sweet words. don't waste your time falling for it.

They are both equally responsible. She consented so all the blame shouldn't fall on the man alone. Why should the man be heavily criticised in a case where two people have consented to have sex with one another outside marriage?

[Umm 'Umarah]

They are both equally responsible. She consented so all the blame shouldn't fall on the man alone. Why should the man be heavily criticised in a case where two people have consented to have sex with one another outside marriage?

you're right, they are both equally responsible and the punishment is equal for both. isn't it much more difficult for the girl to marry someone else if she lost her virginity, how is she gonna marry someone else? she can repent to Allah for what she has done and not do it again but she can't hide the fact that she isn't virgin from her future spouse. whereas he can, he can carry on with his life. I don't think there are very many men out there being okay with their wife not being a virgin. hayaa is much more important for a women.

[leela]

you're right, they are both equally responsible and the punishment is equal for both. isn't it much more difficult for the girl to marry someone else if she lost her virginity, how is she gonna marry someone else? she can repent to Allah for what she has done and not do it again but she can't hide the fact that she isn't virgin from her future spouse. whereas he can, he can carry on with his life. I don't think there are very many men out there being okay with their wife not being a virgin. hayaa is much more important for a women.

It's equally important for both. But since he can hide it and she can't, makes it more difficult for her. (Not that he should. Honesty is probably best), but alot of social stigma comes into this.

[stephenoskie]

I always say the parents because you wouldnt be able to marry that person or even know there parents if your parents didnt ewxist they gave you life thotough birth :D

[mizfissy815]

The one I want to marry isn't my husband yet and has no rights on me...so why should he come before my parents who practically dedicated their life for me?

Parents all the way.

Another thing, wanting to marry someone does NOT = love.

Love, to me, develops after marriage.

[abood]

ASSALAM ALAIKUM,
i will choose parents co when i was a piece of meat or baby my mother took me inside her womb till whole 9 month and when from the will of ALLAH when i came out from her womb...she feed me and took care of me even when i use to cry at late night and my father became awake and bother of my voice or cry but he didnt even say ufffffffffffffff or y should i listen to her voice or y should i make her quite ....instead of saying that he helped my mom in feeding and making me quite and comfort and gave me warm love...my father went out to work in sunny afternoon and came home at night only 4 me ...to feed me....to make me grow in good environment ..to fulfil my needs...to make me educated......and my mom use to cry when i felt sick and she cry and crys and pray 4 me from ALLAH till i was ok.
my parents took care of me when i was small and still now.......it has been passed 16 years that they have taken care of me andfulfiled my every need...they took ful responsibilities of mine....and they will never stop doing this even after 20 years.........they will treat me in the same way as i was new born baby....i will be always a baby infront of them ......and they will always like to take responsibilities of mine as i was 1 year old.....
now i think its my turn to do something 4 my parents......now my duty is to be obedient and respectful to my parents........as when i was samll they didnt reject to take care of me and now its my turn to not to reject their opinion and choice...........
even the relation of wife and husband breaks ....so another mans love is nothing 4 me ....the real love is with ur parents and family ...and it cant break or no 1 can break it.......
wassalam.

[Bint Yusuf]

i love my parents....:love:

[afsalim]

Salamualikum.

It happens nothing i can do or anyone sis... My Mom died and me Pa left me homies and went to another gyal or something when i was very very small :(... i have 1 Mom (who's died) and i have 1 step pa not real pa as i dn't even wana know him....

May Allaah meet me up with them in Janah Amin

Ma'assalama

I'm sorry to hear that sis. May Allah keep you strong.

[Z-Blade]

:salams,

Alhamdulillah, glad to see most of my brothers and sisters know about Islam and love their parents, and thus said yes in the poll. :)

A relevant video here:

this video is about being dutiful to your parents..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9C2o...php?f=5&t=3675 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9C2omOi9G0&eurl=http://cityisoc.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3675)

Wassalam.

[peace2u]

My cousins best friend turned down the guy she wanted to marry because her parents wanted her to marry someone from back home. This whole process took ages and she constantly said she wasn't happy but for her parents happiness, she finally agreed. What happens first night? The man her parents chose smacked her for rejecting his proposal for so long before accepting it. What's this girls situation right now? Got the man deported and is finding it hard to remarry.

So with marriage, I dno't think parents should come first. I say, trust your heart.
:shock:



Peace

[Islamiyyah]

:salams,

Alhamdulillah, glad to see most of my brothers and sisters know about Islam and love their parents, and thus said yes in the poll. :)

A relevant video here:



Wassalam.


If you didnt choose your parents does it mean you love them or respect them less that the ones who didnt choose that option?

[Z-Blade]

My cousins best friend turned down the guy she wanted to marry because her parents wanted her to marry someone from back home. This whole process took ages and she constantly said she wasn't happy but for her parents happiness, she finally agreed. What happens first night? The man her parents chose smacked her for rejecting his proposal for so long before accepting it. What's this girls situation right now? Got the man deported and is finding it hard to remarry.

So with marriage, I dno't think parents should come first. I say, trust your heart.

:salams,

Just noticed this post. Yes, you should trust your heart - if by that you mean trusting in Allah. You should also do istikhara before making such a big decision, and this prayer can be done more than once.

To say parents don't come first is giving a bad message to the youth and to Muslims in general. Parents (usually) want the best for you - but in this case that didn't happen. Was it really the parents fault? Not exactly, since they didn't force her did they? She should have done istikhara too as I said (if she didn't do it). Also you should get as much info as possible on the potential spouse before marrying him/her.

The guy sounds like a Jahil, may Allah guide us all, Ameen!

Wassalam.

[Z-Blade]

If you didnt choose your parents does it mean you love them or respect them less that the ones who didnt choose that option?

:salams,

Allah knows best the intentions of the people who said no.

EDIT: The post you quoted is in general directed at people who have Muslim and practicing parents. You're a revert, so for you obviously your spouse would be chosen by you since your parents don't have a clue about Islam.

Wassalam.

[Islamiyyah]

:salams,

Allah knows best the intentions of the people who said no.

EDIT: The post you quoted is in general directed at people who have Muslim and practicing parents. You're a revert, so for you obviously your spouse would be chosen by you since your parents don't have a clue about Islam.

Wassalam.

Oh okay :D

[$HugoBoss$]

Mom over anybody and than wife to be over anybody except mom.

[Hijabi_Solja]

Salaam Alaikum,

My father is Muslim but has been in Tyre since I graduated high school. The only time in the past ten years that I have spoken to him was during my "Nikkah Negotiations". As for my mother she is a Kafir, so what she says doesnt count for anything. Dont get me wrong I still love her, but as for her advice or guidence.... I dont give two shakes because there is nothing there to back it up. Without Allah (swt) in her heart her words are hollow to me. It may sound sad, but it is true.
My husband is a very pious, loving man Alhamdulillah, and he has provided for me more than either of my parents.......So I will ALWAYS choose my husband. Call me what you will, tell me Im a horrible Muslim....whatever, but I trust in Allah (swt) and HE has blessed me the most wonderful gift named :love: Amaad :love:

ws, Nahita

[Z-Blade]

Salaam Alaikum,

My father is Muslim but has been in Tyre since I graduated high school. The only time in the past ten years that I have spoken to him was during my "Nikkah Negotiations". As for my mother she is a Kafir, so what she says doesnt count for anything. Dont get me wrong I still love her, but as for her advice or guidence.... I dont give two shakes because there is nothing there to back it up. Without Allah (swt) in her heart her words are hollow to me. It may sound sad, but it is true.
My husband is a very pious, loving man Alhamdulillah, and he has provided for me more than either of my parents.......So I will ALWAYS choose my husband. Call me what you will, tell me Im a horrible Muslim....whatever, but I trust in Allah (swt) and HE has blessed me the most wonderful gift named :love: Amaad :love:


ws, Nahita


:salams,

LoL sister, for a woman, once she is married - her priority should be her husband and her duty is to her husband before anyone. So you have your priorities right according to Allah and Islam, Alhamdulillah! :D

But the thread is talking about a POTENTIAL spouse's happiness against your parents, who are nothing in comparison to our parents until the nikah is actually done! :)

Wassalam.

[Hijabi_Solja]

oh ok then :up: forget I was here :outta:

for some reason I want to go apologize to my mum now. After re-reading my post I feel an arse
Astaghfirullah

[Baybars]

The way I see it is put yourself first.

If you're fiercly independent, you have the right to put your love first. If you have a great relationship with your parents, then put them first. I don't think there's any right or wrong answer here. It all depends.

If your partner is a suitable match, islamically, physically, emptionally and in all other ways that matter to you, then in all honesty parents don't have any legitimate grounds to disaprove. This of course is unless they have their own motives for you not marrying the person of your own choosing. Each person understands themselves the best, and either way, if you make a mistake, at least you make your own and not somebody elses.

[`asiya]

what always gets left out of these discussions is the parents practice of Al Islam, why is it that children do not forbid the evil when it comes to their parents... why is it that they are too weak to speak out and stop the jahil behaviour when it comes to preventing a perfectly decent muslim from marrying their son/daughter because of their nationalistic and materialistic tendancies.

The prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said what means, that if a pious man comes to ask for your daughter in marriage then u should marry her to him, ( with her permission of course) or there will be great fitnah in the land, and indeed that has come to pass...so lets get the issue clear here, when it comes to parents you do not obey them in evil matters, you do not assist them in their call to nationalisim, racisim, and materialisim and making divisions in this ummah.

you should call them to goodness to what Allah ta ala and his messenger salAllahu alleyhi wa salam, and you remind them if you really love them that even parents can end up in the hellfire too and die upon jahilyyah when they call to such evils... audu billah

so obey your parents in Islamic matters. Do not obey them or assist them in jahil behaviour because in doing so, you are enjoining the evil.. and inviting them to hellfire, and we should seek to change such evils. your parents are not your Rabb, and they must behave islamically too if they are muslims.

[Z-Blade]

what always gets left out of these discussions is the parents practice of Al Islam, why is it that children do not forbid the evil when it comes to their parents... why is it that they are too weak to speak out and stop the jahil behaviour when it comes to preventing a perfectly decent muslim from marrying their son/daughter because of their nationalistic and materialistic tendancies.

:salams,

Actually ukhti, I already stated something like that in my first post:

:salams,

In the above situation, I would say the parents were wrong to not let them get married because the reason they gave was something worldly and has nothing to do with if the couple were compatible. Since they've already done haram together, they may as well get married and make it halal and repent this way and in future keep away from such forbidden acts.

No, I've never been in this situation Alhamdulillah. Islamically, the parents come first, however it doesn't mean you can't try change their mind if they say no. You keep at it and show them respectfully how they're wrong and show them what Allah and His Rasul :saw: have said on the matter and you make dua.

However, if they say no and solid grounds, such as due to Aqida of the other partner or his characteristics etc. then you should listen to them. Over such petty things like wealth, then you don't really have to go with their opinion but you should try to get their blessing and consent nonetheless.

I can't stand nationalism, especially since my country is pretty lame, in terms of Islam and pretty much everything sadly :o.

Wassalam.

[`asiya]

:salams,

Actually ukhti, I already stated something like that in my first post:



I can't stand nationalism, especially since my country is pretty lame, in terms of Islam and pretty much everything sadly :o.

Wassalam.

:wswrwb: ah i missed that but yea massive problem, and im not understanding this issue at all u know the old story "culture is not nationalisim" but clearly those of your own culture, are obviously from your own nation :scratch: and what im thinking is that it could be my culture and my manners that doesnt allow me to understand this.

where i come from its really rude and considered a great evil, if u beleive in only being with ur own kind from "back home" and not being able to accomodate others cultural ways , and to blatantly say so in front of people from other nations :S well.... where i come from thats called racisim, and only if you are very evil would u openly admit to being racist and only sticking with "your own kind" in front of people who are not like u, even if people are racist or nationalistic they wouldnt say so in front of other nations/races.

anyway its all good for people who have muslims from their own nation, but when ur the only born muslim from your nation in the last ...well Allahu alam its never been previously recorded in history, then that just means ur on your own cos u cant hang with muslims of your own culture because they simply dont exist... anyway nationalism/racisim/culture to me they are all the same thing. and i dont understand anymore cos i thought islam has made racisim haram, but apparently not.

[zammy]

Pareeeenntsssss! Because my parents would say no for a good reason. And even if they said no for no good reason (which they wouldn't) I wouldn't risk the relationship I have with my parents for some......guy. :rolleyes:

[Z-Blade]

:wswrwb: ah i missed that but yea massive problem, and im not understanding this issue at all u know the old story "culture is not nationalisim" but clearly those of your own culture, are obviously from your own nation :scratch: and what im thinking is that it could be my culture and my manners that doesnt allow me to understand this.

where i come from its really rude and considered a great evil, if u beleive in only being with ur own kind from "back home" and not being able to accomodate others cultural ways , and to blatantly say so in front of people from other nations :S well.... where i come from thats called racisim, and only if you are very evil would u openly admit to being racist and only sticking with "your own kind"

anyway its all good for people who have muslims from their own nation, but when ur the only born muslim from your nation in the last ...well Allahu alam its never been previously recorded in history, then that just means ur on your own cos u cant hang with muslims of your own culture because they simply dont exist... anyway nationalism/racisim/culture to me they are all the same thing. and i dont understand anymore cos i thought islam has made racisim haram, but apparently not.

Yeah I agree with that, race/nationality/culture shouldn'e be an issue but just what the Prophet :saw: mentioned, which are: first and foremost, taqwa, then the other 3: nobility, looks and wealth. And that's what I believe in, since it's what Allah's Rasul :saw: has said!

Wassalam.

[zammy]

:wswrwb: ah i missed that but yea massive problem, and im not understanding this issue at all u know the old story "culture is not nationalisim" but clearly those of your own culture, are obviously from your own nation :scratch: and what im thinking is that it could be my culture and my manners that doesnt allow me to understand this.

where i come from its really rude and considered a great evil, if u beleive in only being with ur own kind from "back home" and not being able to accomodate others cultural ways , and to blatantly say so in front of people from other nations :S well.... where i come from thats called racisim, and only if you are very evil would u openly admit to being racist and only sticking with "your own kind" in front of people who are not like u, even if people are racist or nationalistic they wouldnt say so in front of other nations/races.

anyway its all good for people who have muslims from their own nation, but when ur the only born muslim from your nation in the last ...well Allahu alam its never been previously recorded in history, then that just means ur on your own cos u cant hang with muslims of your own culture because they simply dont exist... anyway nationalism/racisim/culture to me they are all the same thing. and i dont understand anymore cos i thought islam has made racisim haram, but apparently not.

what do you mean by that? Islam doesn't promote racism, it's the people who are way too taken by their cultures who promote it. I understand where your frustration is coming from since you are a revert..I guess we just have to accept the fact that this world isn't perfect..it's only a couple of hours transition period before we experience either eternal happiness or misery. May Allah (swt) make it happiness in our case, Ameen.

[`asiya]

what do you mean by that? Islam doesn't promote racism, it's the people who are way too taken by their cultures who promote it. I understand where your frustration is coming from since you are a revert..I guess we just have to accept the fact that this world isn't perfect..it's only a couple of hours transition period before we experience either eternal happiness or misery. May Allah (swt) make it happiness in our case, Ameen.

what i mean is in my 7 years now as a muslim. i have not met one muslim in person, and nor do i know today of any muslim in person that does not beleive that u should marry and stay with the people of your own nation and especially if your parents say so they all believe this is allowed in islam and make excuses about it and say its a good thing.

its easy for you to just say oh well tough thats the way it is world isnt perfect but how do u think it feels to come to islam after searching for more than 20 years through false religions, and to think that you have found your family, but then u find that your brothers and sisters wont accept you or ever see u as an equal because your not born of the same race, and like i said i cant do the same as them, because no one else from my island has coverted to islam so they basically exclude people from the ummah of Muhammad SalAllahu alleyi wa salam. anyway what i have learnt is that theres islam and then theres the muslims..and i thought i had found the ummah of Muhammad salAllahu alleyhi wa salam but im just sitting on the outside looking in.

[umm_yusuf]

apparantly not indeed ukhti, apparantly not...

With regards to this thread then I decided not to vote because this is a complex issue.

I noticed that those who said that they would choose their parents are mostly those who have parents who adhere to the teachings of Islam. Sorry to burst your bubble but most muslim parents don't give a hoot about islam when it comes to the issue of Marriage. This is when culture kicks in.

Our parents raise us in a multicultural society where your whole neighbourhood could be the poster child for the united nations, send you to school with Sanjay, Paul and Ayaan, don't mind that you are best friends with Rachel, Sunita and Ade but then when it comes to the issue of marriage NOOOOO you can't marry Abdullah cos he is from India and we are from Pakistan and we have a completly different culture (wasn't it yesterday that these two "countries" were one?)

If your parents disagree with your choice on Islamic grounds then ALHAMDULILLAH. But lets be honest, its either because we are of a different colour or another pathetic excuse like that. Its quite sad.

And for all those who say that your parents want whats best for you, perhaps this might be true in SOME cases but not all. In fact, not most. They want what will best make them look good in the eyes of their community.

I know of a sister whose parents kept rejecting brothers that she will bring forth and in "obedience to her parents" she married her cousin from back home. He came over and proceeded to start using her as a punching bag. Now she wants a divorce but her parents won't allow her to seek divorce cos "he is your aunty's son, how will it look for the family?" SUBHANALLAH. I swear I want to rip out my hair.

Then you have another sister who married a brother who was of a different country to her. Although her father gave her away, they weren't happy with the union and so haven't spoken to her since. The brother treats her like gold walahi and the sister wants for nothing, but because it didn't look good in the community, they still don't speak to her. They have been married for over a number of years, have beautiful children (Masha Allah Tabarakallah) but the parents haven't met their grandchildren. Where is Islam from this?

Its not about severing family ties, what child wants this? The issue is, the families sever ties from you. Whenever I speak to the sister above, she goes *name* i've tried, go over do everything but they want nothing to do with me. Even if I was to get a divorce, they will still want nothing to do with me because my blood has been "stained". La howla wa la quwwatta illa billah.

I swear my mum speaks the truth when she says "you see these white people, the only thing they do is that they don't pray but Walahi they do everythingelse that Allah commands" This is so true, where do you hear of this rubbish amongst the non-muslims about we are a different race, we can't communicate blah blah blah?

I really don't think the issue is about picking a man over your parents cos no one in their right senses will do that. The issue is about doing what's right by Allah so that when you stand on Yawwmal Qiyyamah, you know that whatever decision you made, you made for the sake of Allah.

Allah knows best.

[zammy]

what i mean is in my 7 years now as a muslim. i have not met one muslim in person, and nor do i know today of any muslim in person that does not beleive that u should marry and stay with the people of your own nation and especially if your parents say so they all believe this is allowed in islam and make excuses about it and say its a good thing.

its easy for you to just say oh well tough thats the way it is world isnt perfect but how do u think it feels to come to islam after searching for more than 20 years through false religions, and to think that you have found your family, but then u find that your brothers and sisters wont accept you or ever see u as an equal because your not born of the same race, and like i said i cant do the same as them, because no one else from my island has coverted to islam so they basically exclude people from the ummah of Muhammad SalAllahu alleyi wa salam. anyway what i have learnt is that theres islam and then theres the muslims..and i thought i had found the ummah of Muhammad salAllahu alleyhi wa salam but im just sitting on the outside looking in.

Like I said before, I understand where you're coming from but you and I both know it's the Muslims that happen to live in your community that are giving you this image, you can't make statements like "i thought islam has made racisim haram, but apparently not." Yes people are very racist, but what can we do? If you didn't live on some far away Island perhaps you'd have a bigger Muslim community and you'd have the Muslim family you long for by being active within that community. It's your circumstances that makes things this way for you and it's Allah(swt) who put you in this special situation. Maybe it's a test of you're patience because Allah loves you? We have to learn to look on the bright side and realize people out there are in a worst condition. I'm not trying to belittle what you're going through, I know it must be hard, but Allah won't forsake you for your efforts. If you don't get what you want in this Dunya then expect it in Akhira multiplied by infinity. There's no other thought more comforting..

[umm_yusuf]

Like I said before, I understand where you're coming from but you and I both know it's the Muslims that happen to live in your community that are giving you this image, you can't make statements like "i thought islam has made racisim haram, but apparently not." Yes people are very racist, but what can we do? If you didn't live on some far away Island perhaps you'd have a bigger Muslim community and you'd have the Muslim family you long for by being active within that community. It's your circumstances that makes things this way for you and it's Allah(swt) who put you in this special situation. Maybe it's a test of you're patience because Allah loves you? We have to learn to look on the bright side and realize people out there are in a worst condition. I'm not trying to belittle what you're going through, I know it must be hard, but Allah won't forsake you for your efforts. If you don't get what you want in this Dunya then expect it in Akhira multiplied by infinity. There's no other thought more comforting..

I think the sister was being sarcastic in her comments but to be honest it seems like "no racism" is something that we propagate to lure non-muslims into islam because the truth is, it seems like the reality is far from this.

I live in London, you can't get more muslims than that except maybe in muslim lands and birmingham and its true that you will be more involved in the community and meet more muslims and whatnot but the issue here is not about the social aspect of the muslim community but rather the marriage aspect and I believe that you will get this narrow minded view wherever you live whether it be London or on an island. Its not the environment that needs to change but rather its inhabitants.

And Allah knows best.

[zammy]

I think the sister was being sarcastic in her comments but to be honest it seems like "no racism" is something that we propagate to lure non-muslims into islam because the truth is, it seems like the reality is far from this.

I live in London, you can't get more muslims than that except maybe in muslim lands and birmingham and its true that you will be more involved in the community and meet more muslims and whatnot but the issue here is not about the social aspect of the muslim community but rather the marriage aspect and I believe that you will get this narrow minded view wherever you live whether it be London or on an island. Its not the environment that needs to change but rather its inhabitants.

And Allah knows best.

Yes and I agree with what you're saying. People are from different countries and practice different cultures so naturally they are used to people from their own culture. It's not hard to understand where they are coming from. They are giving their daughter away to a complete stranger and that already makes them apprehensive enough. It makes them feel "safer" if that stranger and his family have the same background as them because that removes some of the strangeness and uncertainty because they have something familiar to grasp. That is their comfort level. It's all a matter of familiarity..when people are less educated about something (e.g. a different culture to theirs), they will be less comfortable with it. What these people need to understand is that if a righteaous man asks for their daughter, they should look at his deen first. But like you said, Islam isn't on their mind when it comes to marriage. And that is a problem our Ummah needs to deal with.

[umm_yusuf]

Yes and I agree with what you're saying. People are from different countries and practice different cultures so naturally they are used to people from their own culture. It's not hard to understand where they are coming from. They are giving their daughter away to a complete stranger and that already makes them apprehensive enough. It makes them feel "safer" if that stranger and his family have the same background as them because that removes some of the strangeness and uncertainty because they have something familiar to grasp. That is their comfort level. It's all a matter of familiarity..when people are less educated about something (e.g. a different culture to theirs), they will be less comfortable with it. What these people need to understand is that if a righteaous man asks for their daughter, they should look at his deen first. But like you said, Islam isn't on their mind when it comes to marriage. And that is a problem our Ummah needs to deal with.

You know what ukhti, i agree with you Masha Allah on your last point. Its very true that this is something that we need to deal with and Insha Allah, our generation will not be like that with our kids.

I totally understand what the parents must be going through. My mum used to say to me when we will have these debates that "*name* think about it, if a man from another country comes for you, where would I begin to do research on him. At least with someone from back home, i can speak to people who know about his family and family history". I agree...if this was the only problem but the truth is, in some cases (don't know about all) this is not the case.

Take the example that i gave in my previous post, the sister has been married for so many years to the brother, he is treating her extremely well, if the issue had only been about unfamiliarity and whatnot then this would have been resolved when they had seen how he is with her and their kids but since the issue is other than this, they refuse to speak to her and her children. What could be their reason for this?

May Allah give us hidayah.

[zammy]

You know what ukhti, i agree w