View Full Version : standards just too high?
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 01:52 PM
ok so i'm 16 turning 17 this month i've been engajed before when i was 15 but broke it off. i've had alot of guys ask for my hand but my standards are much too high. my parents say that if i keep this bad habit up i'll be like my 25 yr old cousin who now is begging to find a suitor. what do i do? do i lower my standards? or just wait until my bogus arabian prince sweeps me off my feet?
Pro_Candy
17-10-07, 01:59 PM
You're the one going to have to spend your life with the guy. Don't settle for less than what you can tolerate from a man :up:
Khadija222333
17-10-07, 02:02 PM
Next time a preson wants you to marry him just do istikhara before saying no Insha Allah.
Depends on the expectations and standards. Do you live up to them yourself? Dont ask for something in a future spouse if you have shortcomings of your own that you could work on. InshaAllah keep it real- we all have preferences but look for the things that are important. Dont get so bogged down by things that you will have as an expectation, that wont be met and then you find youve lost out on an amazing person. Like... he doesnt have a yellow lambogini :rolleyes:
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 02:05 PM
lol thanks well come to think of it ive done istikhara on all the guys all came out negative but on one this is the guy that meets upto my standards but unfortunetly my mum hates him :( and the types of standards i look for are din wise not materialistic
Abu Mu'adh
17-10-07, 02:06 PM
Mash'Allah is encouraging that you want to get married early, Insh'Allah save you from Fitnah.
What I would say is that you should remember that no body is perfect, there is no such thing as Mr Perfect. For every 1 aspect of a suitor you may dislike, there are many that you will like, or even overlook becuase you're focusing on the negative. Pray Istikhara and seek guidance from Allah.
Khadija222333
17-10-07, 02:07 PM
lol thanks well come to think of it ive done istikhara on all the guys all came out negative but on one this is the guy that meets upto my standards but unfortunetly my mum hates him :( and the types of standards i look for are din wise not materialistic
Oh then that means Allah has someone better planned for you so just keep on doing istikhara whenever needed and Insha Allah you'll find your "Prince Charming" as Zammy would say. ;) :outta:
ok so i'm 16 turning 17 this month i've been engajed before when i was 15 but broke it off. i've had alot of guys ask for my hand but my standards are much too high. my parents say that if i keep this bad habit up i'll be like my 25 yr old cousin who now is begging to find a suitor. what do i do? do i lower my standards? or just wait until my bogus arabian prince sweeps me off my feet?
25 yr old cousin is "begging " to find a suitor :rolleyes: may Allah guide people who beleive such things audu billah.
sister dont settle for anything less than a man who u feel u can trust, that he and u will be best freinds, and that u see from the same view, and its all about the deen ! if he doesnt have the same understanding of Islam as you do, then it will never work out because no one will compromise what they beleive to be true before almighty Allah for a mere human being even if that is a husband or wife.
wait for the one who knows Islam and follows it and beleives in It as u do, or you will set yourself up for a life of misery. may Allah ta ala guide u to the one he created for u to be your twin half amin!
Pro_Candy
17-10-07, 02:09 PM
So, what reason does your mum hate him?
lol thanks well come to think of it ive done istikhara on all the guys all came out negative but on one this is the guy that meets upto my standards but unfortunetly my mum hates him :( and the types of standards i look for are din wise not materialistic
hmm see a lot of families only seek out the dunya in a potential spouse for their kids, but they are told by the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam to marry their daughters to the one whoose deen they are pleased with, or there will be great fitnah on the earth !
so if u think this brother is good in deen, then insha Allah he can meet with your father and advise him according to the deen insha Allah ta ala, truth is clear from falsehood and if ur father is a good muslim then he will accept him insha Allah ta ala.
sunrise
17-10-07, 02:11 PM
Depends on the expectations and standards. Do you live up to them yourself? Dont ask for something in a future spouse if you have shortcomings of your own that you could work on. InshaAllah keep it real- we all have preferences but look for the things that are important. Dont get so bogged down by things that you will have as an expectation, that wont be met and then you find youve lost out on an amazing person. Like... he doesnt have a yellow lambogini :rolleyes:
mashAllah i think this is good advise, but i'd like to add that to different people different things are considered as high standards.
For example to a mot so practising familiy someone who just prays their 5 salahs fasts ramadhan is practising and good enough.
However someone else might think this sin't enough and they want somone who is passed the fardhs and are involved much in sunnah and supergatory ibadaah
Also maybe not just in deen but personality wise or financial wise.
I think it's important you prioritise with the important hings
like someone who may not be as finiacially stable as you'd like maybe you can comprimise on this
but on someone who doesn't even pray and isn't willing to even try or change their ways, this is something you cannot comprimise on
InshAllah my main point is there are somethings you can comprimse on and some you just cannot.
It's important to know that you will NEVER find someone who meets you needs or likes 100% but someone who will help to bring you closer to Allah make you happy and enriches your life in a good way inshAllah this will be sufficent
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 02:19 PM
well the reason my mum hates him is well she thinks guys in din are tight ass's when it comes to money excuse my language she and she thinks if he is in din he will close me off from the world and she thinks his got no money lets just say her problem is that she is to much dounia dounia dounia arrghhhh she drives me crazy i just dont want to be liek sisters my older sister has been married three time yes i said 3 TIMES and my other sis she was in din and as soon as she got married her hubby managed to push her out of din her hijab is hanging off and wow i love the way my bro inlaw wears his earings lol sometimes i feel like asking if i can borrow them
You're too young. You probably don't even know what you want in life yet - how can your mother expect you to have "standards" by which you can judge a man by and decide if hes husband quality?
Concentrate on your studies and life and one day you will know yourself what you want. Subhanallah, don't people know teens this young are still not mature enough to make such decisions?
I've never known a girl so young to want to get married. Usually when they do its because they met someone and they decided they wanted to marry, but to just come out of the blue with no one in mind and look for a husband? :confused:
No wonder why there are many so divorces
Khadija222333
17-10-07, 02:22 PM
You're too young. You probably don't even know what you want in life yet - how can your mother expect you to have "standards" by which you can judge a man by and decide if hes husband quality?
Concentrate on your studies and life and one day you will know yourself what you want. Subhanallah, don't people know teens this young are still not mature enough to make such decisions?
I've never known a girl so young to want to get married. Usually when they do its because they met someone and they decided they wanted to marry, but to just come out of the blue with no one in mind and look for a husband? :confused:
No wonder why there are many so divorces
Excuse me? I'm getting married and I'm her age. Do you know how old Hadhrat Aisha (RA) was when she got married?
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 02:25 PM
You're too young. You probably don't even know what you want in life yet - how can your mother expect you to have "standards" by which you can judge a man by and decide if hes husband quality?
Concentrate on your studies and life and one day you will know yourself what you want. Subhanallah, don't people know teens this young are still not mature enough to make such decisions?
I've never known a girl so young to want to get married. Usually when they do its because they met someone and they decided they wanted to marry, but to just come out of the blue with no one in mind and look for a husband? :confused:
No wonder why there are many so divorces
well actually im not in a rush to get married but if nasib comes u cant stop it and well its normal with arabs for girls to get married or engajed all my friends are married or engajed except me and that cause i dont say yes to the first guy i see
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 02:41 PM
Excuse me? I'm getting married and I'm her age. Do you know how old Hadhrat Aisha (RA) was when she got married?
thank u i dont think its about age pfffft eg my auntie was married at 23 and shes divorced. but yet my granmother was married at 12 and she never got divorced in islam as soon as a girl becomes a women then if u find a suitor then she must marry a.s.a.p
*Al-Qadr*
17-10-07, 02:44 PM
My friend got mawwied at 17 :D she has 2 girls Masha'Allaah, she only 21 aswell :masha: :)
Just wait till u find a good proposal/do istikhara
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 02:47 PM
thanks lol hahaha i kinda like being a burden on my parents well thats how its gonna be if i dont get what i want hehehe
dhakiyya
17-10-07, 02:50 PM
lol thanks well come to think of it ive done istikhara on all the guys all came out negative but on one this is the guy that meets upto my standards but unfortunetly my mum hates him :( and the types of standards i look for are din wise not materialistic
if istikhara says he's the one maybe explain to your mum that you did istikhara and that you think he's the right one. If she thinks what you said she does about men who are of the deen then whoever you choose she will have a problem with, if you are as you say wanting to marry a practicing brother, as you should mashaAllah.
I think it is very important to marry a practicing brother inshaAllah, not just from the point of view of maintaining your own religious practice and bringing up your children as a practicing family, but because if there were problems, inshaAllah a practicing brother would fear Allah and give you the rights Allah has given you in Islam, and also try to fulfil the responsibilities that Allah has given him inshaAllah. I'm not saying that marrying a practicing brother will completely guarantee there will be no major problems, but inshaAllah he'll be a lot more likely to listen if you, or anyone else, presents him with evidence from the Qur'an and Sunnah to get him to change his behaviour if necesarry (of course by the same token you must obey Allah and fulfil your responsibilities and his rights but inshaAllah as a practicing sister this should not be a problem for you)
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 02:54 PM
yeah jazak allah khair ive told my mum that istikhara has come up postive all the 7 times i did it but my mum wants me to marry someone she wants not who i want and sometimes i get so angry at her that i think fine ill marry the guy she wants and well if we end up divorcing i can throw it in her face and say see this was all ur fault lol
artistmagazine
17-10-07, 02:56 PM
Look at this picture taken today in Amsterdam, these crazy Dutch!
link removed
ok so i'm 16 turning 17 this month i've been engajed before when i was 15 but broke it off. i've had alot of guys ask for my hand but my standards are much too high. my parents say that if i keep this bad habit up i'll be like my 25 yr old cousin who now is begging to find a suitor. what do i do? do i lower my standards? or just wait until my bogus arabian prince sweeps me off my feet?
What are your standards? Care to let us know?
dhakiyya
17-10-07, 03:00 PM
Ultimately the only reasons she or your father is allowed in Islam to stop you from marrying someone is if they are of bad character or bad deen (i.e. not a practicing Muslim).
Remind her that you are the one getting married, not her. don't get married to the wrong guy "to throw the divorce in her face". That will cause you and the one you marry too much pain, and your mother may well blame you for the divorce anyway. Getting married to someone you don't want is never a good idea for any reason, its not fair on him either. Your mum wouldn't like it if someone married you even though they didn't really want to, just to please someone else, so its not fair of you to do this to him, think how hurt he will be. Try explaining it this way to your mum. Also if she is wanting you to marry this person because of status in the community or similar reasons, ask her what is more important to her, your happiness, or what the community thinks inshaAllah.
Neena77
17-10-07, 03:01 PM
yeah jazak allah khair ive told my mum that istikhara has come up postive all the 7 times i did it but my mum wants me to marry someone she wants not who i want and sometimes i get so angry at her that i think fine ill marry the guy she wants and well if we end up divorcing i can throw it in her face and say see this was all ur fault lol
Tell her to do the Istikhara for you as well, if it's positive for you and positive for her,she can't argue can she?!
Excuse me? I'm getting married and I'm her age. Do you know how old Hadhrat Aisha (RA) was when she got married?
Aisha (RA) didn't ask for a husband at the age of six years old. My point is that I don't believe that teens at 17 should be going after the concept of marriage so early on if they have no one in mind already; in other words asking for an immediate marriagae. Often young Muslim couples marry young because they develop feelings for each other and want a halaal relationship and thus marry before the age of 19 or 18. To me this is understandable but to expect a list of requirements from a 17 year old is unrealistic. I remember at that age I wanted everything in a spouse. My standards, or expectations were far too high and immature and unrealistic.
I'm not surprised at all that the sister thinks her standards, too, are too high considering her age. It's one thing having your parents arrange a marriage or try to hook you up with a cousin, but its an entirely different matter where they let you walk into the marriage pool that early on without having any particular idea. In other words, planning a potential marriage early on is fine but to want an immediate marriage so young is not.
How many young teenage girls do you know that ask for husbands? Barely any. How many teenage boys? Perhaps some but that's only a fantasy for them considering their hormones are peaking. Realistically, young Muslims start to consider seriously marriage when they're in their studies around 19-23 years old. This is the common demographic, ofcourse there are special cases where this is different. There are some who are 40 and get married for the first time.
The vast vast majority of young marriages, e.g. teens marrying before the age of 19-20, have ended in divorce. This is just from my personal observation and I can't help but feel that a lack of maturity had a part to do with their quick marriages. They rushed into it.
I know in our deen that marrying early is encouraged, but I can't help but feel if that's more of a precaution against Fitnah than anything. I'm not against young people marrying, but as a potential father, from experiences I've had and have known, I certainly would not be encouraging my daughter or son to marry before they've reached a psychological threshold in where they are prepared for it somewhat.
Inshallah your marriage will be a success
Kal El may i add that Aisha (RA) was also much mature than the general teens that we have around here these days.
Kal El may i add that Aisha (RA) was also much mature than the general teens that we have around here these days.
That's true and I hate how people constantly use her as an example to marriage discussions; she was very special circumstances and is often irrelevant to discussion points about marriage
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 03:16 PM
u have misunderstood me i do have someone in mind and my standards are that his got to be in din his got to want to live sunnah and live by islamic shariah u know what i mean?
Khadija222333
17-10-07, 03:17 PM
Aisha (RA) didn't ask for a husband at the age of six years old. My point is that I don't believe that teens at 17 should be going after the concept of marriage so early on if they have no one in mind already; in other words asking for an immediate marriagae. Often young Muslim couples marry young because they develop feelings for each other and want a halaal relationship and thus marry before the age of 19 or 18. To me this is understandable but to expect a list of requirements from a 17 year old is unrealistic. I remember at that age I wanted everything in a spouse. My standards, or expectations were far too high and immature and unrealistic.
I'm not surprised at all that the sister thinks her standards, too, are too high considering her age. It's one thing having your parents arrange a marriage or try to hook you up with a cousin, but its an entirely different matter where they let you walk into the marriage pool that early on without having any particular idea. In other words, planning a potential marriage early on is fine but to want an immediate marriage so young is not.
How many young teenage girls do you know that ask for husbands? Barely any. How many teenage boys? Perhaps some but that's only a fantasy for them considering their hormones are peaking. Realistically, young Muslims start to consider seriously marriage when they're in their studies around 19-23 years old. This is the common demographic, ofcourse there are special cases where this is different. There are some who are 40 and get married for the first time.
The vast vast majority of young marriages, e.g. teens marrying before the age of 19-20, have ended in divorce. This is just from my personal observation and I can't help but feel that a lack of maturity had a part to do with their quick marriages. They rushed into it.
I know in our deen that marrying early is encouraged, but I can't help but feel if that's more of a precaution against Fitnah than anything. I'm not against young people marrying, but as a potential father, from experiences I've had and have known, I certainly would not be encouraging my daughter or son to marry before they've reached a psychological threshold in where they are prepared for it somewhat.
Inshallah your marriage will be a success
I didn't ask for my marriage either I wasn't even looking for a husband it just sort of happened. I didn't know my husband-to-be existed until my bro mentioned him.
I think you should marry early to avoid major sins.
Ameen
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 03:21 PM
lol hahaha funny cause my bro is also trying to hook me up with this guy that my mum totally hates him arrghhhh i was never intrested in marriage untl i was introduced to him does it make sense that i can say that im ready to get married to him but im not ready to marry anyone else???
u have misunderstood me i do have someone in mind and my standards are that his got to be in din his got to want to live sunnah and live by islamic shariah u know what i mean?
Sis I was talking to someone else. Did you have someone in mind before you thought about marriage? If so, then I can understand your desire to get married. But if you just started to think of marriage on your own, this early, then please take your time. You're still young and your standards may change in a year or two. They may become even more! I don't see the need why you'd want to marry now. Are you ready for the responsibility? Are you mature enough? Patient enough? Ready for children? How about studies?
I didn't ask for my marriage either I wasn't even looking for a husband it just sort of happened. I didn't know my husband-to-be existed until my bro mentioned him.
I think you should marry early to avoid major sins.
Ameen
Yes I understand that but I would not marry if I thought that I was not mature enough. I'm not going to avoid fornicating and then have a divorce a few months later. There's no point. If you get into a relationship before marriage, then you should have your nikah done to avoid fitnah but if your like me - I dont date - then avoiding that particular sin is not an issue. So I get married when I know I am ready. I'm not saying I'm not, I actually, I'm just trying to use that as an example.
Avoiding fitnah should not be the only reason people marry, they need to think hard about it.
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 03:26 PM
look honestly u misjudging me im not out of the blue saying this i've been through a whole heap the past 2 years and not to mention ive learnt from my sisters maistakes i can tell u when my parents mentioned marriage to me 2yrs ago i would giggle and run off i was still crushing over the guys at high school or fulling in love with the guy that left me broken into peices and now alhamdulilah since my teenie bopper days are over and i found that correct path i can tell u if the right guy came along yes im ready to marry but after i get to know him
dhakiyya
17-10-07, 03:29 PM
lol hahaha funny cause my bro is also trying to hook me up with this guy that my mum totally hates him arrghhhh i was never intrested in marriage untl i was introduced to him does it make sense that i can say that im ready to get married to him but im not ready to marry anyone else???
yes this makes total sense, much older women than yourself would feel the same way. I don't think any woman is ever ready to marry a man that she doesn't want to marry. Also I think it is wrong of the brothers here to tell you whether you or anyone else is ready to marry or not. The only person who can determine that is the woman herself. You know when you are ready to marry and when you are not ready to marry, exactly the same as a man does.
If your brother also wants you to marry the man that you want to marry, why not get your brother to have a word with your mum?
look honestly u misjudging me im not out of the blue saying this i've been through a whole heap the past 2 years and not to mention ive learnt from my sisters maistakes i can tell u when my parents mentioned marriage to me 2yrs ago i would giggle and run off i was still crushing over the guys at high school or fulling in love with the guy that left me broken into peices and now alhamdulilah since my teenie bopper days are over and i found that correct path i can tell u if the right guy came along yes im ready to marry but after i get to know him
Good luck to you
sis_niqabi
17-10-07, 03:31 PM
I think you should marry early to avoid major sins.
Ameen
exactly. marry early is the sunnah. and i believe if more Muslims got married early there would be less zina going around the Muslim youth today. i
personal think Muslims getting married at a later age in today's time has increases this zina going around.
i see nothing wrong with wanting to get married at 17. i didn't have anyone at mind when i was 17 but i knew i wanted to get married. and now 2 years later i still want to get married. i think it depends on some one's maturity level.
a 17 year old can be more prepared and mature for marriage then some 27 year old.
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 03:32 PM
the whole world has tried to chang my mums mind but shes a hard headed one i think its got to do with shes going through medapores lol jokes i dont know now ive gotten to a point where im like khalas allah i leave it to if thie is nasib then let it be if it isnt then it isnt
exactly. marry early is the sunnah. and i believe if more Muslims got married early there would be less zina going around the Muslim youth today. i
personal think Muslims getting married at a later age in today's time has increases this zina going around.
i see nothing wrong with wanting to get married at 17. i didn't have anyone at mind when i was 17 but i knew i wanted to get married. and now 2 years later i still want to get married. i think it depends on some one's maturity level.
a 17 year old can be more prepared and mature for marriage then some 27 year old.
if that is the case then go for it
Khadija222333
17-10-07, 03:32 PM
Yes I understand that but I would not marry if I thought that I was not mature enough. I'm not going to avoid fornicating and then have a divorce a few months later. There's no point. If you get into a relationship before marriage, then you should have your nikah done to avoid fitnah but if your like me - I dont date - then avoiding that particular sin is not an issue. So I get married when I know I am ready. I'm not saying I'm not, I actually, I'm just trying to use that as an example.
Avoiding fitnah should not be the only reason people marry, they need to think hard about it.
I don't date either.
Most of my friends got married when they were 16-17 and Masha Allah have 1-2 kids. :inlove:
You're an adult as soon as you reach the age of puberty. After that you can get married or wait. Your choice.
I feel like getting married young and some people don't. Simple.
UniQue_BeDouin
17-10-07, 03:36 PM
ok thanks pplz for ur opinions i better bounce to bed but cause its 1:40 here in australia and i dont have tafe tommorrow woohooo so i want to try to get as much as sleep as i can salamz
Islamiyyah
17-10-07, 03:38 PM
I don't date either.
Most of my friends got married when they were 16-17 and Masha Allah have 1-2 kids. :inlove:
You're an adult as soon as you reach the age of puberty. After that you can get married or wait. Your choice.
I feel like getting married young and some people don't. Simple.
Exactly, same here. Unfortunatly you run into some Muslims who shun or try their best to avoid this sunnah of marrying early. I have a lot more to say on this, but I'm in class, so Insh'Allah when I get home I will.
I don't date either.
Most of my friends got married when they were 16-17 and Masha Allah have 1-2 kids. :inlove:
You're an adult as soon as you reach the age of puberty. After that you can get married or wait. Your choice.
I feel like getting married young and some people don't. Simple.
A question, if your daughter reached puberty at the age of 9 and a boy asked to marry her, at that age, would you be okay with it or would you tell them to wait?
Islamiyyah
17-10-07, 03:42 PM
A question, if your daughter reached puberty at the age of 9 and a boy asked to marry her, at that age, would you be okay with it or would you tell them to wait?
That's different Kal :)
If she was 16 or older, and showed maturity, I would let my daughter marry. Allahu Allam I cant really comment on this since I dont have kids yet.
Khadija222333
17-10-07, 03:42 PM
A question, if your daughter reached puberty at the age of 9 and a boy asked to marry her, at that age, would you be okay with it or would you tell them to wait?
Yes if she's mature enough and if he's suitable and if the istakhara is positive.
Yes if she's mature enough and if he's suitable and if the istakhara is positive.
Okay then
Islamiyyah
17-10-07, 03:45 PM
I'm in the convo too guys :o
I'm in the convo too guys :o
Well me and Khadija have different opinions on marriage and maturity. Thats about it lol
Well me and Khadija have different opinions on marriage and maturity. Thats about it lol
lol bruv whagawan ur such a pessimist about marriage these days oh its all a hassle and an inconvinience and a chore, and such hard work... enjoy yourself, go to uni instead get a degree forget it till ur 30 cos marriage sucks :rolleyes:
lol bruv whagawan ur such a pessimist about marriage these days oh its all a hassle and an inconvinience and a chore, and such hard work... enjoy yourself, go to uni instead get a degree forget it till ur 30 cos marriage sucks :rolleyes:
I think some know that I was engaged and that experience has taught me a few lessons. Never rush into marriage, especially when you're young hearted. I only appear to be a pessimist because all of the comments on this section are just filled with :inlove::inlove: smilies that sometimes I wonder if I'm watching Sesame Street.
I have every intention of marrying inshallah when I finish my studies, I hope to have someone I can marry and would want to marry me. I'm not against marriage or something, I'm just cautious and use my head about it and considering the disappointment I've come to known I don't think that's surprising. Marriage is a chore but it's also no walk in the park. How many of those married on Ummah post :inlove: and stuff like that here? None. Because they know what marriage is all about, its beautiful but it isnt some sense fuelling drug that makes you feel in love 24.7
I'm not going to comment on your age because everyone probably knows what I'm going to say. Nine words: You are far too young to think about marriage.
In relation to 'high' standards - You're looking for a life partner, never EVER put standards...
If you're looking for love, I suggest you drop the superficial attitude - I'm sure your future husband would be annoyed when he realises you only chose him for his awesome smile or whatever. Attractiveness is only going to last a short time, personality is what really REALLY counts.
Chose them for who they are, not for what they are.
:)
25 yr old cousin is "begging " to find a suitor :rolleyes: may Allah guide people who beleive such things audu billah.
lol ditto!
dunya_or_akhira
17-10-07, 09:27 PM
WATCH THIS ON TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE...IT MAY CHANGE YOUR VIEWS
http://www.islamictube.net/view_video.php?viewkey=1170960454&page=&viewtype=&category=
WATCH THIS ON TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE...IT MAY CHANGE YOUR VIEWS
http://www.islamictube.net/view_video.php?viewkey=1170960454&page=&viewtype=&category=
Didn't you just post this in another thread? :rolleyes:
assalamu alikeum
Yes if she's mature enough and if he's suitable and if the istakhara is positive.
No you wouldnt sis. When you have kids, you'll look back on that and laugh that you even thought it.
Just because a child of that age has hit puberty doesnt mean they're physically and emotionally ready for the reality of marriage, which includes engagaing in a full sexual relationship.
dunya_or_akhira
17-10-07, 09:32 PM
yeh but it needs to be seen in all marriage topics..it really is a MUST SEE talk..it addresses serious issues of the youth and marriage in Islam
I think girls above puberty who get married are ready for marriage life which includes all aspects..if that was not the case then the thousands who do get married young and have children and are happy must be lying..including my nan who married at 13 and had mashaAllah 7 kids
Just make sure you're prepared and don't rush into anything you may regret. And make plenty of Istikhara. Young marriages are cute...but divorces a while later are not ;) Some individuals can pull it off because they are mature enough at that age.
About the standards issue, it's you who is going to be living with this person for the rest of your life ideally, sooo yeah.. make sure your standards are high. Just not ridiculously high. And by standards we mean islamic standards, not how much money he's got in the bank or what kind of car he drives.
assalamu alikeum
No you wouldnt sis. When you have kids, you'll look back on that and laugh that you even thought it.
Just because a child of that age has hit puberty doesnt mean they're physically and emotionally ready for the reality of marriage, which includes engagaing in a full sexual relationship.
I agree. 9 years old.. that's not realistic at all. :rubeyes:
I agree. 9 years old.. that's not realistic at all. :rubeyes:
Of course its not. That might have been fine centuries ago, when girls hit puberty faster, social and cultural norms were different around the world (even westerners married daughters off from age of puberty and it was fine because it was the norm then) but in todays world, no. 9 year old is still a child. Whilst their bodies might be starting to get ready for repoduction (there are cases of 9/10/11 yr olds having babies), mentally their still children. Even when Aisha r.a married the prophet s.a.w (her age at the time of marriage is hotly contested amongst scholars so i honetsly don't know what age she would have been because hadiths all say various things) she didnt live with him till much later. But anyhow, that was then, this is now. Society changes and adapts and islam reconsignes that. Whilst islam does regard a person accountable on their sins from age of puberty, it does reconsinise the physical and mental aspects of people and this must be taken into consideration.
I honestly have not met one sister with kids who would actually agree to their kids being married at such a young age in today's time. In poorer countries you'll find that young girls who are married off are for nothing more that montary reasons (because childcare is financially a burdern or parents want to get some £££ of son in law.) Either way, in such situtions, there is no choice whatsoever for the girl, she CANNOT say no, otherwise consquences are severe. I know situtions in rural towns where girls as young as 12 had to get married, because they were told: get married or your parents and family will starve. When your confronted with that sitution, then its unlikely the girl will say no, because shes emtionally blackmailed, the life of her family are left in her hands and that burden is too heavy to carry.
Anyhow, I think some people say things like that because maybe they feel it makes them look or seem pious or more inline with the deen but it doesnt really. Sis khadija will change her tune when she has children, believe me.
You are too young, and 25 is the average age where people start thinking about marriage. Worry about school and such, leave marrage till later.
UniQue_BeDouin
18-10-07, 01:19 AM
Thanks For You're advices it really makes me hink but like i said i'm in no rush it just scares me sometimes when my mum and dad say i'll end up like my cousin khalas if my nasib comes now than he comes but if it's later well it's later. i heard that every woman is made from a man's rib just like adam and eve if thats true i have nothing to loose:coolbro:
Khadija222333
18-10-07, 08:40 PM
I agree. 9 years old.. that's not realistic at all. :rubeyes:
I don't think it's very realistic nowadayz for person to want to marry someone who's 9 either.
You're the one going to have to spend your life with the guy. Don't settle for less than what you can tolerate from a man :up:
u said it!:up:
Stylish-Girly
18-10-07, 09:29 PM
ok so i'm 16 turning 17 this month i've been engajed before when i was 15 but broke it off. i've had alot of guys ask for my hand but my standards are much too high. my parents say that if i keep this bad habit up i'll be like my 25 yr old cousin who now is begging to find a suitor. what do i do? do i lower my standards? or just wait until my bogus arabian prince sweeps me off my feet?
i hope you find your arabian prince soon :love:
u said it!:up:
Remember no one is perfect. You never know, you may learn to love the imperfections that your future partner may have. Don't get me wrong, physical attraction is important, but to be like "I only want a husband who has nice eyes, rich, is 6'5, likes wearing blue shirts, ect." is being pretty shallow.
Cristiana
18-10-07, 09:41 PM
ok so i'm 16 turning 17 this month i've been engajed before when i was 15 but broke it off. i've had alot of guys ask for my hand but my standards are much too high. my parents say that if i keep this bad habit up i'll be like my 25 yr old cousin who now is begging to find a suitor. what do i do? do i lower my standards? or just wait until my bogus arabian prince sweeps me off my feet?
Gosh, is 25 considered "old" where you are from sis ??? because I don't think a sister in her twenties is to be considered "hard to shift" quite yet!!!
Higgh standards are a good thing. UNREALISTIC standards is a tragedy, that will ake you 50 and still on the shelf... so be careful, screen properly your suitors, but keep it real and especially make sure you are using the right criteria!
May Allah grant you a happy and long marriage when the time comes
Stylish-Girly
18-10-07, 09:46 PM
i think coz shes still 17 she daint need to lower her standards just yet, be picky
Remember no one is perfect. You never know, you may learn to love the imperfections that your future partner may have. Don't get me wrong, physical attraction is important, but to be like "I only want a husband who has nice eyes, rich, is 6'5, likes wearing blue shirts, ect." is being pretty shallow.
i dont think its shallow :scratch:
I don't understand why women always talk about men with "nice eyes, rich, is 6'5, likes wearing blue shirts, ect" as if they've got something he'd want :rolleyes: Ok that sounds harsh but 98% of women want the ultimate man yet they think they're Miss Universe or something. Besides, I can assure you such a mentality won't even appeal to male Apes.
"I was looking for the perfect woman. And when I found her after all my life searching, I realised that she too was looking for the perfect man unfortunately for me"
I don't understand why women always talk about men with "nice eyes, rich, is 6'5, likes wearing blue shirts, ect" as if they've got something he'd want :rolleyes: Ok that sounds harsh but 98% of women want the ultimate man yet they think they're Miss Universe or something. Besides, I can assure you such a mentality won't even appeal to male Apes.
lol and eye for an eye eh. as i said theres nothing wrong thinking like that man. :inlove:
okkay seriously..people ure being shallow if u call em shallow for being like that. maybe theyre not lookin for the whole package ie looks..theyre lookin at the deen andbacground as well. goshh!
Pro_Candy
19-10-07, 02:51 PM
Believe me, personality, attitude, morals, deen, WAY much more important than looks, money, or style.
lol and eye for an eye eh. as i said theres nothing wrong thinking like that man. :inlove:
If you keep thinking like that you'll be too blind and turn down a good man whom you could have been very happy with in your attempt to wait for Mr Universe. And even if you did find him, he'd probably be looking for Miss Universe - and please dont tell us you're her :p
If you keep thinking like that you'll be too blind and turn down a good man whom you could have been very happy with in your attempt to wait for Mr Universe. And even if you did find him, he'd probably be looking for Miss Universe - and please dont tell us you're her :p
of course im not miss universe. im better than her :rubeyes::D
im not lookin for mr universe. im not even looking to get married. but that doesnt mean to say that i cant have opinions. and one of em being that when ure lookin to marry ure looking at the looks as wel. u need some chemistry there too :rolleyes:pardon me for being shallow :smack:
of course im not miss universe. im better than her :rubeyes::D
im not lookin for mr universe. im not even looking to get married. but that doesnt mean to say that i cant have opinions. and one of em being that when ure lookin to marry ure looking at the looks as wel. u need some chemistry there too :rolleyes:pardon me for being shallow :smack:
Obviously you need to have attraction with your spouse, physically and chemistry wise. But some of you are trying to describe the most beautiful man in the world or something. If we brothers started to list what we wanted in women, in terms of appearance, all the sisters here would be up in arms and all sorts - calling us shallow.
Pro_Candy
19-10-07, 02:56 PM
of course im not miss universe. im better than her :rubeyes::D
im not lookin for mr universe. im not even looking to get married. but that doesnt mean to say that i cant have opinions. and one of em being that when ure lookin to marry ure looking at the looks as wel. u need some chemistry there too :rolleyes:pardon me for being shallow :smack:
Too bad it's usually the good-looking ones who are shallow or full of themselves :rolleyes:
:outta:
Abu Mu'adh
19-10-07, 02:57 PM
I don't understand why women always talk about men with "nice eyes, rich, is 6'5, likes wearing blue shirts, ect" as if they've got something he'd want :rolleyes: Ok that sounds harsh but 98% of women want the ultimate man yet they think they're Miss Universe or something. Besides, I can assure you such a mentality won't even appeal to male Apes.
"I was looking for the perfect woman. And when I found her after all my life searching, I realised that she too was looking for the perfect man unfortunately for me"
You want a wife/Husband that is pleasing/comforting to your eye, they could be the most ugliest person to the rest of the world, but it's what you want that matters man!
[025:074] And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqûn (the pious. See V.2:2)."
Keep praying this du'a :D
hasn't worked for me yet, one day hey!
Obviously you need to have attraction with your spouse, physically and chemistry wise. But some of you are trying to describe the most beautiful man in the world or something. If we brothers started to list what we wanted in women, in terms of appearance, all the sisters here would be up in arms and all sorts - calling us shallow.man im seriously offending u here lol. as i said before. its MY opinion. heck i am not saying my guy wil be a calvin klein model. i meanthey look gay to me. but looks DO matter. to me! please let it not be that im speakin on behalf of other sisters. dont jump on me :nervous:
Too bad it's usually the good-looking ones who are shallow or full of themselves :rolleyes:
:outta:
man i am shallow ...i aint afraid to admit it.
of course im not miss universe. im better than her :rubeyes::D
im not lookin for mr universe. im not even looking to get married. but that doesnt mean to say that i cant have opinions. and one of em being that when ure lookin to marry ure looking at the looks as wel. u need some chemistry there too :rolleyes:pardon me for being shallow :smack:
Haha - funny! :p
Nah seriously - Having expectations is something good but what people need to do is compare themselves to their expectation. Unless you're the perfect woman then you can't expect the perfect man...lol.
Haha - funny! :p
Nah seriously - Having expectations is something good but what people need to do is compare themselves to their expectation. Unless you're the perfect woman then you can't expect the perfect man...lol.
man wrong wallah no joke. but u get some mashaAllah very handsome guys marryin a girl that wud think she did not stand a chance. and THAt with the fullll package. and a pretty lass with a guy who thought he wud never stand a cchance..man this worlds funny eh. :D
Lol the irony is Bint would fit well in the brothers section. Her "shallowness" can be called confidence; or just plain hilarious :D
Obviously you need to have attraction with your spouse, physically and chemistry wise. But some of you are trying to describe the most beautiful man in the world or something. If we brothers started to list what we wanted in women, in terms of appearance, all the sisters here would be up in arms and all sorts - calling us shallow.
Actually the brothers probably do list what they want in lady - they just didn't list them on Ummah.com. If they were to remain annoymous, you'd be suprised with what they'd come up with.
man wrong wallah no joke. but u get some mashaAllah very handsome guys marryin a girl that wud think she did not stand a chance. and THAt with the fullll package. and a pretty lass with a guy who thought he wud never stand a cchance..man this worlds funny eh. :D
I think that's cute :D
Bint interviewing potential husband
Bint: What is 'beauty' to you?
Candidate: Well true beauty is what's inside you, your person...
Bint: NEXT!
SisterIslam
19-10-07, 03:06 PM
Standards should be kept high inshallah but not too high.
Lol the irony is Bint would fit well in the brothers section. Her "shallowness" can be called confidence; or just plain hilarious :D
u can call it what u want. but i stand firm with my erm opinion :D
I think that's cute :Dgosh isnt it? :hidban:
Bint interviewing potential husband
Bint: What is 'beauty' to you?
Candidate: Well true beauty is what's inside you, your person...
Bint: NEXT!
i wud never say next. i wud be intrigued and want to know more :smack:
tut so shallow to think ofme likke that kal el!
Arrakis
19-10-07, 03:07 PM
i think coz shes still 17 she daint need to lower her standards just yet, be picky
I don't think at 17 her standards are set yet to be honest, at 17 realism never comes into what would make a good spouse, instead a 17yr old is usually way too idealistic about it all.
The things that I thought I wanted in a spouse at 17 turned out to be what I loathe at my age now.
To the OP I think you shouldn't be making any hasty decisions just because you have a burning desire to be married, marriages fail far too often around me through lack of inner knowledge.
gosh isnt it? :hidban:
Gives some people hope :D
Gives some people hope :D
aye like myself ;):inlove:
i wud never say next. i wud be intrigued and want to know more :smack:
tut so shallow to think ofme likke that kal el!
You're not shallow.....maybe a little confused :up:
You're not shallow.....maybe a little confused :up:
no man. seriously im not confused sis. im not alhamdulillah:up:
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