Please help....all advice welcome

[munyeka]

Asslmualykum, I hope you are all well, and this finds you in the best of Imaan, and health.

I am seeking a little advice so any constructive points would be appreciated.

A while ago, I was introduced to a potential husband. Under guidelines, we got to know a little about each other, we got on like a house on fire, and there were moments when I truly felt blessed to have found my other half.

I did my istikhara, and alhumdollilah had a wonderful dream. And i know he felt positive about thing.

Yet at present, things seemed to have fizzeled out. He doesnt seem to have any postive feelings anymore, and im sat here feeling lost and confused.

I like the person, based on his faith, virture and our compatibility. Having done my istikhara i presumed this was enough of a basis for me to say yes to him, and I would be delighted to marry him. He's pretty much everything ive wanted in a guy.

Yet I dont even know if he is interested anymore. I am very confused, as i have done 3 istikhara's all giving a good inclination to the marriage, yet thats the not the feeling i am receiving from his side.

And yes, I engage in plenty of dua asking Allah to guide us both to what is best for us. So if there is any point on which u guys can offer guidnace (you all seems like experts on here) it would be appreciated. Thanks in advance, Ma'sallama. A confused and lost soul!

[Abu Mu'adh]

The only person who can answer your concerns is the guy you're intending to marry, there may well be a sound reason as to why he's gone off the boil, in any case set up a meeting with him and a mahram present and talk about your concerns.

[curious_man]

Asslmualykum, I hope you are all well, and this finds you in the best of Imaan, and health.

I am seeking a little advice so any constructive points would be appreciated.

A while ago, I was introduced to a potential husband. Under guidelines, we got to know a little about each other, we got on like a house on fire, and there were moments when I truly felt blessed to have found my other half.

I did my istikhara, and alhumdollilah had a wonderful dream. And i know he felt positive about thing.

Yet at present, things seemed to have fizzeled out. He doesnt seem to have any postive feelings anymore, and im sat here feeling lost and confused.

I like the person, based on his faith, virture and our compatibility. Having done my istikhara i presumed this was enough of a basis for me to say yes to him, and I would be delighted to marry him. He's pretty much everything ive wanted in a guy.

Yet I dont even know if he is interested anymore. I am very confused, as i have done 3 istikhara's all giving a good inclination to the marriage, yet thats the not the feeling i am receiving from his side.

And yes, I engage in plenty of dua asking Allah to guide us both to what is best for us. So if there is any point on which u guys can offer guidnace (you all seems like experts on here) it would be appreciated. Thanks in advance, Ma'sallama. A confused and lost soul!
just tell him what are your worries and tell him dont feel pressured in marrying me - marriage for guys isnt easy as well as for girls - sometimes it is easy to get cold feet even if you are getting married to the one you want. He might be going through a phase - phase of rethinking or he might have found someone else...

Just ask him - are you not interested anymore and tell him to be honest -- problem is even if he is unsure he might say 'oh no nothing is wrong and am ok' -- am just thinking bout my own phase before getting marriage - DEEP SIGH...

[PiElle2]

just tell him what are your worries and tell him dont feel pressured in marrying me - marriage for guys isnt easy as well as for girls - sometimes it is easy to get cold feet even if you are getting married to the one you want. He might be going through a phase - phase of rethinking or he might have found someone else...

Just ask him - are you not interested anymore and tell him to be honest -- problem is even if he is unsure he might say 'oh no nothing is wrong and am ok' -- am just thinking bout my own phase before getting marriage - DEEP SIGH...


yup i think this is so true... men are not very good with marriages. i think need 3rd party to push them.

it feels kind of silly for us girls to have to push the guys...

[elji]

just tell him what are your worries and tell him dont feel pressured in marrying me - marriage for guys isnt easy as well as for girls - sometimes it is easy to get cold feet even if you are getting married to the one you want. He might be going through a phase - phase of rethinking or he might have found someone else...

Just ask him - are you not interested anymore and tell him to be honest -- problem is even if he is unsure he might say 'oh no nothing is wrong and am ok' -- am just thinking bout my own phase before getting marriage - DEEP SIGH...

well said. I would give you my advice but curios_man and One Ummah did it for me

[elji]

yup i think this is so true... men are not very good with marriages. i think need 3rd party to push them.

it feels kind of silly for us girls to have to push the guys...

For men marriage is not as easy a concept to come to terms with as it is for women. That is why they need a push especially from women ;)

[munyeka]

He's not found anyone else, I know that , as I asked him, and from what I know, hes not one to lie.

Its this limbo thing thats really making me feeling so lost and confused. You know when its the wrong guy/girl but how do you know its the right one.....in the beginning if felt right...confirmed by istikhrara, yet know his behaviour is making me have second thoughts.

its a silly downward spiral, where his negative vibes are rubbing off me, and i'm behaving in a negative manner....the initial "buzz" is no longer there........is that enough to go on, or is just a feeling you have when you meet someone for the first time. (ive never felt it before).

so very lost!

[Urr]

..

[PiElle2]

no need to be lost... just need be strong... cos if you really want to be his wife... this will be a good start for you to be strong for both of you.... ;)

btw can't expect a person to be at his best all the time.

[mansoor36]

You are too excited, and you want to see the same expression in your partner to be, thats the problem. Be cool, even don't over-expect so that you get dissapointed later.

Just Thank Allah for answering your dua, and pray that all goes well, and be ready for anything, thats a real human.

Another advice, be open, be bold and don't be afraid to express your opinion to him, but don't press too much, saying I expected you to ...

[munyeka]

of course i dont expect him to be at his best........................hes feeling about as lost and confused as I am, and yes he's asked for time so thats what im giving him...yet at the same time, id feel awful if he said no. I can picture myself a his wife....yet its difficult to convey any of my feelings when we're not in touch with one another.

Also is there any point in me being patient/strong/worrying if he doesnt feel the same. AAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

all this sounds random, but im just typing as i feel. MEN!

btw jazakullah khair for the help!

[Zesty]

Talk to him :) its the only way youre going to know. Tell him that youre not sure how he is feeling but that marrage is a huge thing and its best that he is open with you from the start. If there is something that is concerning him then it is best that you guys talk about it now rather then when things become more serious.

Sometimes its as simple as getting cold feet and beign nervous. The whole concept of marriage and spending your life with someone is quiute daunting and scary! So maybe its nothing except him feeling the pressure of whether he will be able to live up to the expectations of a good husband inshaAllah and whether he can fulfill his resaponsibilities.

I know youre feeling lost and confuse but i think itys important to realise that you wont stop feeling for someone or stop believing that they are right for you just because maybe on some odd days they are not being as responsive or expressive of their feelings :) Some days you might feel, "ok im not sure this is right for me," or, "Am i doing the right thing, im not i feel this for him," etc etc.. but i think thats all normal. If you believe you have a good foundation to build on then thats the most important thing.

If he is however having second thoughts for whatever reasons then he needs to be clear with you. Just sit and talk to him and ask him to be open and honest about his concerns.

[mansoor36]

Sabr (Patience) is the key to everlasting happiness. be patient and wait for Allah to decide your fate, there is a hadith which says, O Ibn Adam you want, and I want also, but only what I want is what occurs, therefore be happy with my decision and I will give you want" When you reach such a stage leave everything to Him.

[munyeka]

Thats what ive resorted to doing to honest. Im trying not to worry be lost or confused.

And im trying to have faith in the istikhara I did, which just happened to be in Makkah, and know that Allah will do what is best for us both!

So hence I wait....and pary for the best....yet im only human and find myself concentrating on little else excpet this!

[-Fady-]

Prob just shaytaan wanting you to not marry him. but i see ppl already gave you great advice, keep making Du'a and Allah will be with you. The best of helpers. :) Salam

[munyeka]

lol.....jazakullah kahir...............shaitaan again!!

i would marry the guy right now in the clothes that im wearing, if turned up at my office and asked knoced on my door!

shaitaan is probably playing with his head more than mine.....can some of u guys have a word with him....be the third party!!!

hehehe

thanks i feel a little better!

[Abu Mu'adh]

Thats what ive resorted to doing to honest. Im trying not to worry be lost or confused.

And im trying to have faith in the istikhara I did, which just happened to be in Makkah, and know that Allah will do what is best for us both!

So hence I wait....and pary for the best....yet im only human and find myself concentrating on little else excpet this!

what an earth do you mean by that, you've resorted to being honest, whereas before you were feeding him horse manure?

ain't suprised he's behaving like this, maybe he's realised you're a lying toerag.

hope this helps, ( I doubt it somehow).

[elji]

lol.....jazakullah kahir...............shaitaan again!!

i would marry the guy right now in the clothes that im wearing, if turned up at my office and asked knoced on my door!

shaitaan is probably playing with his head more than mine.....can some of u guys have a word with him....be the third party!!!

hehehe

thanks i feel a little better!

Dont blame it on the shaytaan and sit on the problem. Can you please act on the advice that has been given to you? Immediately.

Dont you know a friend who can be a third party? instead of asking strangers on the forum?

[-Fady-]

what an earth do you mean by that, you've resorted to being honest, whereas before you were feeding him horse manure?

ain't suprised he's behaving like this, maybe he's realised you're a lying toerag.

hope this helps, ( I doubt it somehow).

i think she meant "I resorted to Sabr to be honest"

[Zesty]

what an earth do you mean by that, you've resorted to being honest, whereas before you were feeding him horse manure?

ain't suprised he's behaving like this, maybe he's realised you're a lying toerag.

hope this helps, ( I doubt it somehow).

What are you on about?!?! she meant to BE honest! she is resorting to having sabr/patience! Where on earth did your outburst come from!?

Sis- have sabr, thats very important. When theres nothing else you can do then that is what you need- to have sabr that Allah has decreed a certain thing for you at a certain time BUT you have the means to get someone to ask him if hes ok! Or you could suggest a meet with a mehram present. There are things you can do yourself.

[munyeka]

ive resorted to being pateint!

hes asked for time out....hence WE'RE NOT COMMUNICATING AT THE MOMENT. When he gets back to me, Inshallah I will raise some of the points you've highlighted on here!

and no ive not lied to him, thats nasty.
im just not typing clearly as i should!

[elji]

ive resorted to being pateint!

hes asked for time out....hence WE'RE NOT COMMUNICATING AT THE MOMENT. When he gets back to me, Inshallah I will raise some of the points you've highlighted on here!

and no ive not lied to him, thats nasty.
im just not typing clearly as i should!

dont mind the judgmental posts.

Allah give you patience in this hard time. Inshallah i will pray that all things works out for you :) Hope everything goes well. I believe you know what to do when he gets back :D. Good luck

[munyeka]

My third party...........my friend......Allah. Thats sufficient! The other comment was a little humour shed on an otherwise serious subject

[Abu Mu'adh]

What are you on about?!?! she meant to BE honest! she is resorting to having sabr/patience! Where on earth did your outburst come from!?

Sis- have sabr, thats very important. When theres nothing else you can do then that is what you need- to have sabr that Allah has decreed a certain thing for you at a certain time BUT you have the means to get someone to ask him if hes ok! Or you could suggest a meet with a mehram present. There are things you can do yourself.


Around central London somewhere I believe.

Apologies, got a bit carried away.

[-Fady-]

Around central London somewhere I believe.

Apologies, got a bit carried away.

lol you just wanted to use the word toerag...pretty cool word i must say thanks for that

[Abu Mu'adh]

lol you just wanted to use the word toerag...pretty cool word i must say thanks for that

I got that from neighbours back in the day, I remember Lou used to say it, also flamin' mungrel, cool phrase that, about the only good things to come out of Aus.

[Russo]

ive resorted to being pateint!

hes asked for time out....hence WE'RE NOT COMMUNICATING AT THE MOMENT. When he gets back to me, Inshallah I will raise some of the points you've highlighted on here!

and no ive not lied to him, thats nasty.
im just not typing clearly as i should!

Its important to be able to think things through when making important life decisions. But also you need to set yourself a time limit on how long oyu are going to wait.

You need to keep your options open and find out about other brothers in the meantime. You never know that whilst you are waiting for him, you may be missing out on someone who is good for you.

The guy you are waiting for might end up saying no to you anyway and you missed out on other potential marriage partners.

If he has made you wait more than a couple of weeks, I would start to wonder what the problem is on his part! Is he waiting for an answer from someone else or waiting for other proposals....and you are second fiddle?...Hmmm...

[munyeka]

Inshallah he wont make mw wait too long, its only been since yesterday.

Hopefully it'll be sorted by next week, as he lives in a different part of the world and we need to sort things out before he returns.

I defintely know I am not second fiddle, and I know the time he has takedn out is for him to ponder over me as potential marriage partner and whether given the issues that were discussed, marriage ie feasible for us. And he is eager to settle down

Inshallah i hope he will come back with a positive answer. Make dua for us.

[Russo]

Inshallah he wont make mw wait too long, its only been since yesterday.

Hopefully it'll be sorted by next week, as he lives in a different part of the world and we need to sort things out before he returns.

I defintely know I am not second fiddle, and I know the time he has takedn out is for him to ponder over me as potential marriage partner and whether given the issues that were discussed, marriage ie feasible for us. And he is eager to settle down

Inshallah i hope he will come back with a positive answer. Make dua for us.

Inshallah I hope it does work out for you.

Will make dua for you!