I'm no longer 'engaged'

[neelu]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

[dunya_or_akhira]

Marriages should not be delayed once agreed and the silence maybe was a blessing for you because had you married him and things went worse etc.. your in a safer position now

[brjimc]

Salam,


Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

Im sorry to hear this happened to you sis. Try to have patience, it will happen, inshallah.

May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

[Maureen]

neelu: I reckon your prospective partner was just stringing you along and probably had someone else in limbo too. Sounds as though you are better off without him and can now meet someone else.

[Abandoned-Mind]

Wohoooo :blobblue:

[Pro_Candy]

Marriages should not be delayed once agreed and the silence maybe was a blessing for you because had you married him and things went worse etc.. your in a safer position now

Yeah... it's too bad for him, Sis. MashaAllah you seem to have a lot of patience... inshaAllah someone better will come along. It's a tough wait, I know... but inshaAllah it will be worth it!

[Khadija222333]

Wohoooo :blobblue:

:asta: :(

May Allah give you patience sister. Ameen x 100000000000000000000000

[.: Anna :.]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

Sis its already written who will be ur husband so wen the time is right Allah will bring him forward for u, so try not to worry like why is noone introducing to him, because Allah has got it under control :cool:

As for that guy, it is pretty frustrating i could imagine but try to make excuses for him insha allah as to why he has done that.

[zammy]

Alhamdulillah you're out of that situation. It's not any fun being stuck in the middle where you're not exactly with someone but you can't move on either.

Insha'Allah you'll find that brother who is perfect for you.

[`asiya]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him? :wswrwb:

ukhti i think u did the right thing, if a man asks u in marriage then he should be prepared to marry there and then, or let u go, otherwise why bother asking in the first place if hes not sure about getting married that is just playing with your mind and emotions.

as u said we dont have long engagments in Islam. I wouldnt accept such a man after all what exactly is he waiting for death to over take him ? amazes me how muslims think they have years to burn before they marry. sahabba didnt mess around. if i got a proposal from a good brother, and i accepted i would expect after my walli had given him the ok and cheked him out to be married within a couple of months absolute maximum. alhamdulillah Allah will replace it with something better insha Allah for u sister, alhamdulillah now u are free to ask your walli to find u another suitable brother insha Allah

[dunya_or_akhira]

relax its Ramadan we are approaching the last ten majestic nights...the angels will descend..including Gibrael (as) as commanded by Allah swt...

i used to get worried about who i will marry but now i do not care because its in the hands of Allah swt and my sights are not set on marriage, they are set on pleasing Allah swt and through achieving that if a wife comes then let her come or else i will keep doing what i have set out to do insha Allah

[`asiya]

relax its Ramadan we are approaching the last ten majestic nights...the angels will descend..including Gibrael (as) as commanded by Allah swt...

i used to get worried about who i will marry but now i do care because its in the hands of Allah swt and my sights are not set on marriage, they are set on pleasing Allah swt and through achieving that if a wife comes then let her come or else i will keep doing what i have set out to do insha Allah

thats true but at the same time we have to tie our camel and then trust in Allah as the hadith states, we cant just sit there and wait for a husband/wife to fall out of the sky we have to take steps to seek them out too, like we know Allah ta ala provides us with our share of food etc. but we dont sit waiting for the food to jump up and enter our mouths so we can eat from it, we take the steps too insha Allah.

[dunya_or_akhira]

i always tie the camel then i pray to Allah swt... and how the bird leaves its nest early morning and returns at sunset in search of food....

my camel is tied....i have been leaving home very early lately

[neelu]

Wohoooo :blobblue:

Lol, jazakallah khayr that was the last thing i expected- you cracked me up:D

so try not to worry like why is noone introducing to him, because Allah has got it under control :cool:


That's true, I'm sure I already knew this stuff before but it's easy to lose perspective at times like this and I think I needed the reminder.


As for that guy, it is pretty frustrating i could imagine but try to make excuses for him insha allah as to why he has done that.

He can make excuses for himself- that's all he ever did anyway so I can't be bothered to assist him on that front.

[`asiya]

i always tie the camel then i pray to Allah swt... and how the bird leaves its nest early morning and returns at sunset in search of food....

my camel is tied....i have been leaving home very early lately

masha Allah its all good then alhamdulilah :up:

[perfectpearl]

Sis, its good that you didnt get to know him. That way you would of never had the chance to love him and easily leave him. May Allah give you a more pious and caring husband.

[.: Anna :.]

He can make excuses for himself- that's all he ever did anyway so I can't be bothered to assist him on that front.

i meant it in the way that he is stil ur bro in islam so he does hav that right to make 70 excuses rather than think bad of him

[MG]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?



wa alaikum aslaam sis

sorry to hear about your situation sis, i have been hearing about so many of our brothers and sisters being tested lately (not that it doesnt happen ususally) may Allah swt grant u a good husband and sabr at this difficult stage you are at.

Sis, Prophet SAW said ,we must never hasten Allah swt to answer our duas as there is a decreed time for things to happen in our lives.

Hastening for the answr of our duas also shows we are not having sabr IMO.

i understand what your going through i really do, when something is decreed for us, Allah swt removes all obstacles out the way and makes it easy for us to have, this seems a blessing in disguise to me, if he was unreliable now, who knows what Allah SWT has saved u from alhumdulillah.

It might hurt now but with time inshallah u will see the wisdom of it.

[GuCcI]

wow is this like broken engagement day or something? :crying:

[PiElle2]

I think it's a good way you have approached it. At least you let him know that marriage is not something to be taken lightly or drag on.

Marriage is something both are willing to work on.

It's just not right to tell a girl he's interested and not do anything.

There may be reasons for his procrastination. But life still goes on.

May Allah grant you your well deserved husband. Ameen.

[Sulaiman Harun]

:start:

:salams

Sister:

فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ وَاللّهُ الْمُسْتَعَانُ

[Cashew]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

Kick this flimsy flabby-willed testosterone-impaired joker to the curb, or kerb, and march into the much better future God has in store for you.

Seriously, kiddo. Don't waste a minute feeling bad because this weakling couldn't make up his mind.

Married life, especially married-life-with-kids, isn't for indecisive wimps. When you have kids, you have to be able to make very difficult decisions quickly.

You don't want some ninny by your side who lacks the basic adult capacity for making solid decisions and sticking to them.

Thank Almighty God that you're not going to spend your life with some fluttery indecisive goofball.

[sis_niqabi]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

ukhti, i think you did the right thing and Allah knows best. it sounds like to me this brother is not ready for marriage and has some commitment issues.


May Allah give us all pious husbands. ameen.

[Alpha Dude]

removed.
:rolleyes:
removed.
What use is wordly happiness, if it comes at the cost of the hereafter?

[Note: I do not disagree with sisters having the final say, I don't agree with dating - as doesn't Islam]

[elji]

Sorry to hear the sad news

[Amatullah Adn]

:rolleyes:

What use is wordly happiness, if it comes at the cost of the hereafter?

[Note: I do not disagree with sisters having the final say, I don't agree with dating - as doesn't Islam]

This attitude that 'wordly happiness' is nothing creates much misery here on earth, economic stagnation and backwardness. A culture of submission that doesn't help itself or others does nothing to honour Allah. Allah put us on this earth to enjoy ourselves and life itself is his gift. Sadly it is women and children who are asked to suffer, to submt and to obey. Men have much fewer contraints.

[Alpha Dude]

This attitude that 'wordly happiness' is nothing creates much misery here on earth, economic stagnation and backwardness.
Well, that may be true. But, I didn't say worldly happiness is nothing. I implied that any kind of wordly happiness which goes against Islam, will be useless for your hereafter. Happiness is not forbidden in Islam. :rolleyes:
A culture of submission that doesn't help itself or others does nothing to honour Allah.
:confused:
Women are free to accept or decline proposals which come their way.
Allah put us on this earth to enjoy ourselves and life itself is his gift.
I'm afraid that's wrong. Allah has put us here as a test.
Sadly it is women and children who are asked to suffer, to submt and to obey. Men have much fewer contraints.When did anybody say forced marriages are right?

What I'm arguing against, is how you seem to think dating is permissible in Islam? :confused: And, how does me saying it is not permissible, equate to womens' rights being denied? :confused:

I don't know. I'd rather not get into an argument over this, especially in the sisters thread.

May Allah grant her a pious husband, ameen. :)

[Zesty]

SubhanAllah sis :) there is a reason for everything. Allah already knows who is written for you so inshaAllah just have sabr and he will come to you :) Atleast you know where you stand now- theres nothing worse than being in a state of limbo. InshaAllah May Allah (swt) guide you to a wonderful pious man very soon. Ameen.

youre a lovely lady :D you will get the best that you deserve inshaAllah! xx

[dunya_or_akhira]

removed

Sorry but your in the wrong forum to give such advice

Unless you want the sister to commit zina which is a great sin

Shows how much you care about her hereafter!!

[neelu]

removed.
Now that is one response I did NOT expect to get on here:rotfl:

[Kal-El]

This isn't sad news, but a moment where we should support her as she feels shes lost something. But you have to wonder Neelu, what exactly you had in the first place to justify any feeling of loss of sadness. A man who keeps you waiting that long and his general treatment of you, from the sound of your tone in the first post, wasn't really interested in you.

Anyway, I'd like this moment to remind people that not everyone is intended to marry or have a successful/happy marriage. But inshallah sis Neelu will find a compatible man.

[Kubs]

Neelu, did you actually ask this brother WHY he's delaying the marriage? Maybe he has a good reason...no?

[dhakiyya]

Neelu, did you actually ask this brother WHY he's delaying the marriage? Maybe he has a good reason...no?

he had plenty of time to explain his reasons though.... and didn't....

[Raised by Depth]

probably over weight - and is having difficulty loosing it

[algharib]

My engagement is also off. Hope it's khayr insha'Allah.

[Raised by Depth]

Allah already knows who is written for you so inshaAllah just have sabr

[neelu]

Neelu, did you actually ask this brother WHY he's delaying the marriage? Maybe he has a good reason...no?

In a word, NO!

He's been working abroad and told me that the nature of his job doesn't allow him to easily get time off. He's also been adamant for several months that he really can't stand where he's living and working and assured me that he didn't want to stay there for more than a year. He did not go abroad for the money and doesn't have any financial constraints to prevent him from coming back- in fact his workplace entitles him to 25 days annual leave which he's just not taking. He's well educated and qualified in his field so he wouldn't even have much trouble in finding work if he were to return here and he's never expressed any ill feelings towards this country so it makes no sense as to why he wont come back when he hates where he's living at the moment anyway.

When he went abroad last year, he said in the early days that he wanted to come back to visit the UK every couple of months. He only came to the UK once in January and even then he did not have time to see me. I waited a few months and then asked what happened to his plan to come "every couple of months" at which point he told me he wanted to come in August, then August came and went.

I phoned him a few weeks ago to ask what's going on and whether he'd be able to come and see me in the next 6 or 12 months cos' I can't carry on another year like this- he said he didn't know and cited problems at work which make it difficult to take time off. On another occassion he also mentioned that he was thinking of going on hajj this year and I'm not one to get annoyed at a person's intention to do hajj but it did make me think; how come he can get time off work for hajj but not to see me? Then I got annoyed and had a go at him, so he apologised and said my reluctance to move abroad had held him back from taking matters further- which was untrue. He said that he felt guilty that I was still single because of the position he put me in and maybe I should spend a few months trying to look for another bro and see how things work out (ie that if I don't find anyone in a few months me and him can pick up where we left off):confused: I was such a muppet I was still trying to give him another chance saying I didn't want that cos' I like him:wacko:@). He then said I was right to highlight the seriousness of this issue because he knows long engagements aren't condoned in Islam and he'll speak to his manager about getting the time off he needs to get a flight out to see me asap. Then he sent a text the next day saying he couldn't get a flight before ramadan. I waited for ramadan and then asked when he's coming but he sent another text saying he can't get a flight during ramadan either and it would have to be afterwards. Sounds like a small delay to wait till after ramadan but you have to understand I've only waited this whole d@mn year because each time I spoke to him he would give an excuse about a few more weeks here or a few more months there and this was the last straw for me. When he says he'll sort something out for after ramadan I've reached a point now where he's cried wolf (or rather cried "i'll see you at such and such time") so much that I don't believe him anymore and even if he does come now it would be too little too late because the months of delays and excuses have made me turn from someone who excitedly looked forward to seeing him, to someone who cringes at the thought of him.

If any single sisters out there think I've judged him too harshly and maybe he had good reasons or deserves the benefit of the doubt- you're welcome to him!

[Samurai]

Try to push him to come and ask your parents for your hand, I don't think you should let it go.

wa salam

[Samurai]

Your being to harsh in judgement. He wants to marry you from what your saying, just isn't in a rush. I think you shouldn't let him go but tell him you really want to get married soon.

[Kal-El]

In a word, NO!

He's been working abroad and told me that the nature of his job doesn't allow him to easily get time off. He's also been adamant for several months that he really can't stand where he's living and working and assured me that he didn't want to stay there for more than a year. He did not go abroad for the money and doesn't have any financial constraints to prevent him from coming back- in fact his workplace entitles him to 25 days annual leave which he's just not taking. He's well educated and qualified in his field so he wouldn't even have much trouble in finding work if he were to return here and he's never expressed any ill feelings towards this country so it makes no sense as to why he wont come back when he hates where he's living at the moment anyway.

When he went abroad last year, he said in the early days that he wanted to come back to visit the UK every couple of months. He only came to the UK once in January and even then he did not have time to see me. I waited a few months and then asked what happened to his plan to come "every couple of months" at which point he told me he wanted to come in August, then August came and went.

I phoned him a few weeks ago to ask what's going on and whether he'd be able to come and see me in the next 6 or 12 months cos' I can't carry on another year like this- he said he didn't know and cited problems at work which make it difficult to take time off. On another occassion he also mentioned that he was thinking of going on hajj this year and I'm not one to get annoyed at a person's intention to do hajj but it did make me think; how come he can get time off work for hajj but not to see me? Then I got annoyed and had a go at him, so he apologised and said my reluctance to move abroad had held him back from taking matters further- which was untrue. He said that he felt guilty that I was still single because of the position he put me in and maybe I should spend a few months trying to look for another bro and see how things work out (ie that if I don't find anyone in a few months me and him can pick up where we left off):confused: I was such a muppet I was still trying to give him another chance saying I didn't want that cos' I like him:wacko:@). He then said I was right to highlight the seriousness of this issue because he knows long engagements aren't condoned in Islam and he'll speak to his manager about getting the time off he needs to get a flight out to see me asap. Then he sent a text the next day saying he couldn't get a flight before ramadan. I waited for ramadan and then asked when he's coming but he sent another text saying he can't get a flight during ramadan either and it would have to be afterwards. Sounds like a small delay to wait till after ramadan but you have to understand I've only waited this whole d@mn year because each time I spoke to him he would give an excuse about a few more weeks here or a few more months there and this was the last straw for me. When he says he'll sort something out for after ramadan I've reached a point now where he's cried wolf (or rather cried "i'll see you at such and such time") so much that I don't believe him anymore and even if he does come now it would be too little too late because the months of delays and excuses have made me turn from someone who excitedly looked forward to seeing him, to someone who cringes at the thought of him.

If any single sisters out there think I've judged him too harshly and maybe he had good reasons or deserves the benefit of the doubt- you're welcome to him!

*Exhales* Wow, that was like watching a soap opera that lasted for days with no breaks in-between lol

[Raised by Depth]

im glad you can poke fun at something so serious..maybe cause your also a careless brothers... *curses*

[neelu]

im glad you can poke fun at something so serious..maybe cause your also a careless brothers... *curses*

Erm, what?:confused:

[Kal-El]

im glad you can poke fun at something so serious..maybe cause your also a careless brothers... *curses*

:wacko:

[afsalim]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

You've done the right thing sis. Have patience. InshAllah you will come across the right person.

[Amatullah Adn]

Now that is one response I did NOT expect to get on here:rotfl:

Which is why it is censored as 'unIslamic' (according to male interpreters of Islam)

[sis_niqabi]

Which is why it is censored as 'unIslamic' (according to male interpreters of Islam)

stop creating fitna.ukhti it's haraam clear cut.

[Amatullah Adn]

stop creating fitna.ukhti it's haraam clear cut.

Who benefits from using the label 'fitna' as a weapon to silence others? (One has to wonder why it is necessary to fear the opinions of others if one is so right in one's own opinions?)

[sis_niqabi]

Who benefits from using the label 'fitna' as a weapon to silence others? (One has to wonder why it is necessary to fear the opinions of others if one is so right in one's own opinions?)

im not trying to silence you. just a word of advice. the sister ask for good sound advice on an issue. and you went and gave her some haraam advice

[Kal-El]

What was said?

[Amatullah Adn]

im not trying to silence you. just a word of advice. the sister ask for good sound advice on an issue. and you went and gave her some haraam advice

I gave no haraam advice. I gave advice that others do not agree with. I suggested she stand up for herself as a person. I predict that for this I will be silenced but this does not mean that millions of women do not feel as I do and that we do not act in our communities on those feelings which are right and just.

[.: Anna :.]

The reason your posts were deleted is cos you said dating is halaal and advocated it

[Amatullah Adn]

The reason your posts were deleted is cos you said dating is halaal and advocated it

Yes. Dating is halaal. Women need to choose their own husbands and need to know them before marriage. Your chances of being happy marrying a stranger are very slim aren't they?

[Zesty]

Yes. Dating is halaal. Women need to choose their own husbands and need to know them before marriage. Your chances of being happy marrying a stranger are very slim aren't they?

I think you are confused :D Where on earth have you got this idea from that dating is halaal?! No it isnt.

[Amatullah Adn]

I think you are confused :D Where on earth have you got this idea from that dating is halaal?! No it isnt.

Where on earth have you gotten this idea that women do not have the right to know who they are marrying?

[imanalistic]

Yes. Dating is halaal. Women need to choose their own husbands and need to know them before marriage. Your chances of being happy marrying a stranger are very slim aren't they?

Where on earth have you gotten this idea that women do not have the right to know who they are marrying?

dating in the western sense is not allowed in islam. maybe you mean when a sister is allowed to look at and talk to a brother while her mehram is present? or enquire about a brother via her mehram?

other than that dating is not allowed in islam.

[`asiya]

Yes. Dating is halaal. Women need to choose their own husbands and need to know them before marriage. Your chances of being happy marrying a stranger are very slim aren't they?


the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said " A man is never alone with a woman except that shaitan will be the third." (Related by Ahmed and Tirmidhi)

[Amatullah Adn]

the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said " A man is never alone with a woman except that shaitan will be the third." (Related by Ahmed and Tirmidhi)

Yes, you go out in publc to movie theatres or dinner. Women have to protect themselves.

[Zesty]

Where on earth have you gotten this idea that women do not have the right to know who they are marrying?

Ohh far from it :D Dont think you should make assumptions about what you think i deem appropriate or not without asking me. Depends what you mean about "getting to know someone."
The bottom line is, i can give you my opinion on what i think is ok and what i think is crossing the limits (dating is crossing the limits in my opinion because the boundaries are less stringent and so there is a danger of being intimate etc, if this isnt what you mean by dating then clearly we are talking about different thigns) BUT my opinion counts for nothing. According to Shariah and Islam- free mixing is not allowed, therefore unless the guy and girl were meeting with a mehram present- anything else isnt allowed :D

Im not saying we all go according to Islamic law, we are weak, we make mistakes but atleast we can try and live according to and within the bounds of what is permitted in Islam.

[imanalistic]

Amatullah Adn: I'm curious, where did you get this idea that dating (in the western sense) is halaal in islam?

[Amatullah Adn]

Amatullah Adn: I'm curious, where did you get this idea that dating (in the western sense) is halaal in islam?

We don't live in an old world of clans and tribes any more. Women are not property to be squired around and bartered for economic and political gain. The Middle Ages is over. Women have to support themselves and be educated. Allah does not wish women to be unhappy and inflict the kind of unhappiness on their families that so many women trapped in these arranged marriages did for centuries. We are not forbidden from making our own choices.

[Alpha Dude]

Where on earth have you gotten this idea that women do not have the right to know who they are marrying?Oh please. You're just exhibiting silly feminazi type behaviour.

You make it out as though women are 'victims', who wouldn't know their prospective partners, well...I'm sure you've thought far enough to realise that men too wouldn't be able to get to know the prospective wives. So, where is the discrimination against women? :rolleyes::zzz:

[Aamaal]

We don't live in an old world of clans and tribes any more. Women are not property to be squired around and bartered for economic and political gain. The Middle Ages is over. Women have to support themselves and be educated. Allah does not wish women to be unhappy and inflict the kind of unhappiness on their families that so many women trapped in these arranged marriages did for centuries. .

Im sorry but you are making sweeping generalisations there. I mean, you can know alot about a person who you want to marry without dating them in the western sense. I totally agree with you about women not being chattels but surely you do realise that dating is not allowed for men too? How does obstaining from an intimate relationship before marraige result in an 'arranged' marraige. I happen to know quite a few people who were in love before marraige (hence, had a 'love' marraige) but never actually dated.

Can you please expand on your definition of an 'arranged' marraige?

We are not forbidden from making our own choices

No one on this thread said we, as women, were forbidden to make our own choices. You are again making assumptions.

[Aamaal]

You make it out as though women are 'victims', who wouldn't know their prospective partners, well...I'm sure you've thought far enough to realise that men too wouldn't be able to get to know the prospective wives. So, where is the discrimination against women? :rolleyes::zzz:

My point exactly.

[Amatullah Adn]

Oh please. You're just exhibiting silly feminazi type behaviour.

You make it out as though women are 'victims', who wouldn't know their prospective partners, well...I'm sure you've thought far enough to realise that men too wouldn't be able to get to know the prospective wives. So, where is the discrimination against women? :rolleyes::zzz:

You are correct. It is not good for men either. But given that a man can divorce much easier than a woman, that he does not have the biological burnden of pregancy and childcare, and that he can take another wife the consequences are far greater for women.

[`asiya]

We don't live in an old world of clans and tribes any more. Women are not property to be squired around and bartered for economic and political gain. The Middle Ages is over. Women have to support themselves and be educated. Allah does not wish women to be unhappy and inflict the kind of unhappiness on their families that so many women trapped in these arranged marriages did for centuries. We are not forbidden from making our own choices.

it is not forbidden for a woman to choose who she wants to marry, indeed in Islam it is forbidden for a womans walli to marry a woman against her will and without her permission, if that happens then the marriage is invalid. what people do is not reflection on Islam, our tachings are very clear about this matter alhamdulillah.


There is no place in Islam for marriages arranged against a woman or mans will. This is something completely unacceptable in Islam. A marriage is invalid without the two parties' total agreement and consent. We can look at the case of Khunsa`, who's father married her off with her disapproval, so the Prophet may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, had her marriage annulled. and also

The Prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)." (Sahih Al-Bukhari )



as for what u said here Women are not property to be squired around and bartered for economic and political gain this is correct because Allah ta ala says in the Quran

"O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the dowry you have given them - except when they have become guilty of open lewdness. On the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike something and Allah will bring about through it, a great deal of good." Al Quran 4:19

A young woman complained to `A'ishah the wife of the Prophet Muhammad, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him saying: "My father married me to his brother's son in order to raise his social status. However, I hate what he has done " When the Prophet, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, heard her complaint, he gave her the option of having the marriage annulled. She said: "O Messenger of Allah! I have accepted what my father has done. However, I wanted to know that women had a choice in the matter."

Then we have the hadith of Burayrah and her husband Mughîth. Both of them were slaves. When she acquired her freedom, she had the legal right of staying with her husband who was still a slave, or of leaving him. She chose to leave him and he began following after her, crying for her to return to him. The Prophet, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said to her: "If only you would go back to him." She asked, "O Messenger of Allah! Are you commanding me?" He said, "No I am only pleading on his behalf." She replied: "Then I have no use for him." And that was the end of the matter.

its true that all women and men in Islam should be educated no one will disagree with that because the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam said

"Whoever follows a path in the pursuit of knowledge, Allah will make a path to Paradise easy for him." (sahih al-Bukhari)

as for women supporting themselves Allah ta ala has made men the maintainers and protectors of women, ( Quran 4:34) and in marriage a womans money is hers to keep and spend as she sees fit, so women in Islam certainly are not expected to pay anything towards the bills, the groceries, the upkeep of the house and so on that is her husbands duty so there is no pressure on a woman to provide and therefore she has pleanty of time for education alhamdulillah. Islam is a perfect way of life, and as i said what some muslims are doing is no reflection on what the Islamic way of life is.

[Aamaal]

You are correct. It is not good for men either. But given that a man can divorce much easier than a woman, that he does not have the biological burnden of pregancy and childcare, and that he can take another wife the consequences are far greater for women.

Well then if western-type dating results in a much more happier marriage, why are the divorce rates of such marraiges so high? But you are missing the point- not being able to date does not mean that you know next to nothing about your potential spouse.

[Amatullah Adn]

Islam is a perfect way of life, and as i said what some muslims are doing is no reflection on what the Islamic way of life is.

These are very excellent quotes but these are not heard often enough. What we hear are other quotes. You can wish that Islam is something that how it is practiced but sadly it is not practiced this way in most of our world. What is done and said in the name of Islam reflects on Islam and that is what we are trying to change.

What is needed are women imams (I can hear the gasps!) and more women in leadership positions.

[Amatullah Adn]

Well then if western-type dating results in a much more happier marriage, why are the divorce rates of such marraiges so high? But you are missing the point- not being able to date does not mean that you know next to nothing about your potential spouse.

I agree that divorce is too easy in Western countries and that self-satisfaction raised to the level of be all and end all creates problems. What is needed is balance where women and children are strengthened not forced to submit and told they will be rewarded in some other life.

[Emelianenko]

Where on earth have you gotten this idea that women do not have the right to know who they are marrying?
who said they dont? and for this there are halaal avenues, not dating alone and blah blah.

[`asiya]

These are very excellent quotes but these are not heard often enough. What we hear are other quotes. You can wish that Islam is something that how it is practiced but sadly it is not practiced this way in most of our world. What is done and said in the name of Islam reflects on Islam and that is what we are trying to change.

What is needed are women imams (I can hear the gasps!) and more women in leadership positions.

yes alhamdulillah they are beautiful hadiths masha Allah, so much to learn and sister it is up to all of us men and women to study our deen and learn and pass on the knowledge even if it is one ayat, one hadith, if we strive to do this then insha Allah we educate the ummah and there are ways of doing that, in accordance with what Allah and his messenger salAllahuAlleyhi wa salam have said.

There is nothing to prevent women in Islam from being educated or from teaching, indeed it is the opposite female scolars have been known from the time of the prophet salAllahu alleyhi wa salam himself onwards till today alhamdulillah. having female imams is not an option because we know that there will be no sucess for the one who disobeys Allah and his messenger salAllahu alleyhi wa salam and it has been clearly stated in the sahih hadith that it is not permissible for women to be imams and leaders in the sense that u have mentioned.

however there is nothing to prevent them having positions in the community to advise other women, and to help educate, and practically this is a great blessing upon us alhamdulillah, because obviously a woman has a menstrual cycle and she cannot pray at those times and after childbirth, and of course therefore she cannot be an imam,apart from anything else it would be totally impractical. also for her own protection she needs a mahram to travel with and an imam maybe would need to travel to see to the needs of his commmunity that he has been entrusted with, and Allah ta ala states that men are responsible for women, and so this is why this job has been given to the men leaving us women free to be well educated and to raise up our children with good education too insha Allah, again Islam is perfect and it is a blessing upon us as women alhamdulillah.

[muslimma]

woahhh!!!!!!

how dis this thread start and how is it finshing...

:outta:

debate is healthy btw :D

[Aamaal]

What is needed is balance where women and children are strengthened not forced to submit and told they will be rewarded in some other life.

I seriously don't understand where this notion of the 'submission of women' comes from by not dating your potentail spouse if the rule applies equally to both men and women. And no, getting a divorce is not made difficult in Islam-perhaps in so-called 'Muslim' countries but that is not the issue here. I remember reading about a scholar who said that when in he travelled to the west he found Islam but no Muslims but when he came back home to the Muslim world, he found Muslims but no Islam. He was talking about how Muslim countries make divorce so difficult for women whereas the non-Muslim countries practice the true spirit of Islam. Or something along those lines.

[sis_niqabi]

Yes. Dating is halaal. Women need to choose their own husbands and need to know them before marriage. Your chances of being happy marrying a stranger are very slim aren't they?

you do know dating is haraam for Muslim men as well. the prohibition for dating is just not on Muslim women. and yes in the west women and men do date before marriage. and look at the high rate of divorce. but yeah dating makes a marriage better:rolleyes:

I agree that divorce is too easy in Western countries and that self-satisfaction raised to the level of be all and end all creates problems. What is needed is balance where women and children are strengthened not forced to submit and told they will be rewarded in some other life.

ukhti men and women both alike have to submit themselves to Allah in this life so that they can be prepared for the next life.

[imanalistic]

We don't live in an old world of clans and tribes any more. Women are not property to be squired around and bartered for economic and political gain. The Middle Ages is over. Women have to support themselves and be educated. Allah does not wish women to be unhappy and inflict the kind of unhappiness on their families that so many women trapped in these arranged marriages did for centuries. We are not forbidden from making our own choices.

i fail to see why no longer living in the middle ages allows us to do haraam acts which happened before the middle ages? i.e. dating / free mixing men and women.

[sis_niqabi]

We don't live in an old world of clans and tribes any more. Women are not property to be squired around and bartered for economic and political gain. The Middle Ages is over. Women have to support themselves and be educated. Allah does not wish women to be unhappy and inflict the kind of unhappiness on their families that so many women trapped in these arranged marriages did for centuries. We are not forbidden from making our own choices.

you are right women are not meant to be treated life property. and in islam women are not. it's only the backwards culture muslims come from today that makes women oppressed. the problem is muslims are putting their culture first and islam second.

but dating is haraam. how do you equate the forbiddance of dating to oppression of women? if its anything. the prohibition of dating protects of woman from the amount of womanizers and pervs out there who are only looking for a good time and not a serious relationship(ie marriage).

and ukhti just because dating is haraam doesn't mean a woman doesn't have a say in who she wants to marry. i plan on having a halal marriage without dating. but if there is a brother who i don't want to marry i dont have to marry him. arranged marriage is forbidden in islam. maybe if you studied your deen you would know that

[imanalistic]

You are correct. It is not good for men either. But given that a man can divorce much easier than a woman, that he does not have the biological burnden of pregancy and childcare, and that he can take another wife the consequences are far greater for women.

again, no evidance to suggest that we are allowed to do haraam i.e. dating.

[zammy]

Amatullah it would make so much more sense if you just said 'I would date, i think it's okay.' but don't pin it on to Islam when you know just as well as anybody there's no basis for that in Islam.

[imanalistic]

I agree that divorce is too easy in Western countries and that self-satisfaction raised to the level of be all and end all creates problems. What is needed is balance where women and children are strengthened not forced to submit and told they will be rewarded in some other life.

You are correct. It is not good for men either. But given that a man can divorce much easier than a woman, that he does not have the biological burnden of pregancy and childcare, and that he can take another wife the consequences are far greater for women.

These are very excellent quotes but these are not heard often enough. What we hear are other quotes. You can wish that Islam is something that how it is practiced but sadly it is not practiced this way in most of our world. What is done and said in the name of Islam reflects on Islam and that is what we are trying to change.

What is needed are women imams (I can hear the gasps!) and more women in leadership positions.

interesting, still waiting to see a quote from quran or hadith which says we are allowed to do haraam acts and go against the teachings of allah and the prophet (pbuh).

[imanalistic]

Amatullah it would make so much more sense if you just said 'I would date, i think it's okay.' but don't pin it on to Islam when you know just as well as anybody there's no basis for that in Islam.

exactly!!!! trying to say that islam allows dating and dating is halaal woooaaahh!!! :rubeyes:

[dhakiyya]

Which is why it is censored as 'unIslamic' (according to male interpreters of Islam)


If you have a problem with a moderators decision please post it in helpdesk not here.

Even some western feminists - Germaine Greer for one - have realised that the "sexual revolution" in western culture has resulted in harming women far more than it has harmed men (and she didn't mention much good that has come out of it for either gender) I suggest you read her book before you continue not only propogating "feminist" ideals that actually benefit men at the expense of women but also trying to say that Islam teaches such things. InshaAllah by realising the damage done to women by the "sexual revolution" you might start to understand how Islam protects women.

[Ibn Khattab]

What is needed are women imams (I can hear the gasps!) and more women in leadership positions.

Is this your personal opinion? because its not what islam teaches :) We do have women imams, who says we dont, but they only lead women like the Prophet S advised.

[imanalistic]

If you have a problem with a moderators decision please post it in helpdesk not here.

Even some western feminists - Germaine Greer for one - have realised that the "sexual revolution" in western culture has resulted in harming women far more than it has harmed men (and she didn't mention much good that has come out of it for either gender) I suggest you read her book before you continue not only propogating "feminist" ideals that actually benefit men at the expense of women but also trying to say that Islam teaches such things. InshaAllah by realising the damage done to women by the "sexual revolution" you might start to understand how Islam protects women.

i was speaking to a christian and she said the same thing!!!! she said, when men start acting like women and women start acting like men, everything goes wrong and it affects your children too. didn't quite understand the last bit but, you get the picture.

[Alpha Dude]

Asalamu Alaykum,

Sister Amatullah, forgive me if I'm wrong...but, it seems, you, in your life experiences, have had to face some form of extreme negative treatment of women, from supposedly pious, 'Islamic', men.

I'm assuming, after witnessing such treatment, you grew up believing that Islam is all about the subjugation of women. Perhaps, you started looking at the west, the Godless secular society, seeing how women are supposedly liberated, and thought you want to be a part of it.

Am I right? :D

I'm guessing it was something like that which would force you to want to change your priorities in life.

To me, it seems, you lack understanding of Islam. You shouldn't let one extreme (negative attitudes of some muslim men), turn you to the opposite extreme ('Islamic' liberalism). You should at least, try to understand Islam from the correct sources. You don't look at Islam through your own opinions, there are clear sources for us, the Quran and the ahadith. This is what our religion is based on.

From these sources, it is very clear, you can't date. So, tell me, why do you insist on wanting to? It is haraam. Clearly, tell me you see that?

It's one thing to think it ok to sin, but it's another telling others to as well.

I ask you sincerely, to evaluate yourself and try to understand Islam from the perspective it is meant to be understood. Don't let men who abuse Islam ruin the true Islam for you. You owe it to yourself to learn.

[Kal-El]

You don't need to date someone. Alot of people are uncomfortable with marrying someone they don't know the "ins-and outs" about, but automatically assume the only solution to this is to start a physical relationship with them e.g. boyfriend/girlfriend and then marry. This isn't just sensationally un-Islamic but more potently, just plain ignorant and wrong.

[dhakiyya]

i was speaking to a christian and she said the same thing!!!! she said, when men start acting like women and women start acting like men, everything goes wrong and it affects your children too. didn't quite understand the last bit but, you get the picture.

yeah, tis true. Greer was saying that basically, sex outside of marriage, promiscuity, pornography and very revealing clothes have become socially acceptable. In each case, consider who is benefitting and who is harmed:

Sex outside of marrige: who has the baby, and has to raise it alone and endure financial hardship because of it? who gets to run away from the responsibility of the child concieved outside of marriage (fine not all men do this, but men have this option to run away easily with no difficulty to them except the child support agency if they can't escape them too) - if women want to get out of the responsibility then there are two options both of which hurt women far far more than men: adoption - the woman has to go through pregnancy and childbirth and then give up the baby. abortion: contrary to popular belief, most women who have abortions are not callous people who just go and get it done without thinking so they can carry on sex outside of marriage - in a disturbingly large number of cases they have been pressured or even forced to go through with it, often lied to about the consequences, or told that the baby is "just tissue" and they're not really killing it. So, who really benefits from freely available abortion: men, so they can force/persuade the women they impregnate to get rid of teh problem so they don't have the financial burden of supporting them. Even with contraceptives: who has to take the pills which disrupt their natural hormones?

pornography: the vast majority of porn is for men, the majority of porn models are young women, yes many of them are pressured into doing it, believing that it will help them become a top model/actress. The sexual revolution has led to massive increases in the availability of pornography, almost all of it for men, by men, of women.

dating: dating is a sub category of sex outside of marriage so therefore all the above applies. Also, date rape. How often are men the victims of date rape? They're not. Women are. In addition to persuading women to make themselves freely available for sex for men, in some cases men force women to do this.

fashion industry: like pornography, it is controlled by men, and it puts women on display for the benefit of men. The men who control the industry also decide which body types they want for their models - their preference for tall skinny women has led to all kinds of eating disorders, which - surprise surprise affect women ten times more often than they effect men. Together with the pharmacuticals industry which breeds paranoia among women in order to sell their products - this has led to a new condition called body dysmorphic disorder, where women who have nothing wrong with them believe they are hideously ugly, as in their mind they exaggerate miniscule or even imagined flaws. Who suffers from this? women.

And if skimpiness of clothing is something that is supposed to be of equal benefit to men and women, why is it you see men dressing in modest clothes whilst women are showing far more of themselves? Despite being the gender that is by far the more prone to rape and other sexual violence, they are the ones the least covered up. If you want a comparison, the only time you see men as skimpily dressed as women are expected to be in certain situations, e.g. at nightclubs, on the beach, when going out in the evening with friends, or on a date for example - is at a gay nightclub. Even gay men don't dress like that in the highstreet, and they certainly don't dress equally as skimpily for the benefit of women.

So. Sexual revolution = very bad for women. Its also very bad for children too but thats a whole other story for a whole different post. Suffice it to say, that when on a child protection course for my previous job (teaching EBD kids) - the person running the course said that the skyrocketing levels of child abuse in the UK and the USA are the direct result of the breakdown in family values that has been happening since the sixties. Oh yes, because of the "sexual revolution"

[imanalistic]

yeah, tis true. Greer was saying that basically, sex outside of marriage, promiscuity, pornography and very revealing clothes have become socially acceptable. In each case, consider who is benefitting and who is harmed:

Sex outside of marrige: who has the baby, and has to raise it alone and endure financial hardship because of it? who gets to run away from the responsibility of the child concieved outside of marriage (fine not all men do this, but men have this responsibility) - if women want to get out of the responsibility then there are two options both of which hurt women far far more than men: adoption - the woman has to go through pregnancy and childbirth and then give up the baby. abortion: contrary to popular belief, most women who have abortions are not callous people who just go and get it done without thinking so they can carry on sex outside of marriage - in a disturbingly large number of cases they have been pressured or even forced to go through with it, often lied to about the consequences, or told that the baby is "just tissue" and they're not really killing it. So, who really benefits from freely available abortion: men, so they can force/persuade the women they impregnate to get rid of teh problem so they don't have the financial burden of supporting them. Even with contraceptives: who has to take the pills which disrupt their natural hormones?

pornography: the vast majority of porn is for men, the majority of porn models are young women, yes many of them are pressured into doing it, believing that it will help them become a top model/actress. The sexual revolution has led to massive increases in the availability of pornography, almost all of it for men, by men, of women.

dating: dating is a sub category of sex outside of marriage so therefore all the above applies. Also, date rape. How often are men the victims of date rape? They're not. Women are. In addition to persuading women to make themselves freely available for sex for men, in some cases men force women to do this.

fashion industry: like pornography, it is controlled by men, and it puts women on display for the benefit of men. The men who control the industry also decide which body types they want for their models - their preference for tall skinny women has led to all kinds of eating disorders, which - surprise surprise affect women ten times more often than they effect men. Together with the pharmacuticals industry which breeds paranoia among women in order to sell their products - this has led to a new condition called body dysmorphic disorder, where women who have nothing wrong with them believe they are hideously ugly, as in their mind they exaggerate miniscule or even imagined flaws. Who suffers from this? women.

And if skimpiness of clothing is something that is supposed to be of equal benefit to men and women, why is it you see men dressing in modest clothes whilst women are showing far more of themselves? Despite being the gender that is by far the more prone to rape and other sexual violence, they are the ones the least covered up. If you want a comparison, the only time you see men as skimpily dressed as women are expected to be in certain situations, e.g. at nightclubs, on the beach, when going out in the evening with friends, or on a date for example - is at a gay nightclub. Even gay men don't dress like that in the highstreet, and they certainly don't dress equally as skimpily for the benefit of women.

So. Sexual revolution = very bad for women. Its also very bad for children too but thats a whole other story for a whole different post. Suffice it to say, that when on a child protection course for my previous job (teaching EBD kids) - the person running the course said that the skyrocketing levels of child abuse in the UK and the USA are the direct result of the breakdown in family values that has been happening since the sixties. Oh yes, because of the "sexual revolution"

masha'allah, excellent and very accurate post which discribes everything which is happening because of this so called revolution which is ruining women. i just hope that sisters like Amatullah Adn realise this before its to late.

[Ibn Khattab]

Awesome Post Dhakkiyah Mashallah.

[Kal-El]

And women see this as freedom :rolleyes: Now I understand why women are mocked by men :rotfl:

[zammy]

It's beyond my understanding how any woman can see that as freedom. People are so backwards in their conception of some things...they say Islam oppresses women but the sex industry is the only thing I see oppressing woman.

[imanalistic]

And women see this as freedom :rolleyes: Now I understand why women are mocked by men :rotfl:


luckily muslim women are not mocked by men. infact they are respected to a high degree. probably explains why so many non muslim women come to islam!!!

[afrasayab]

Salam,

I know for several months I've mentioned on occassion in other threads that I was engaged but just thought I'd let you know fyi I'm not anymore. The brother concerned said he was still interested in me but after we first met in September 2006, he made no effort to meet me or my family for a whole year and I've finally run out of patience. Six months ago I told him that we're still in this 'limbo' situation whereby I'm neither free and single to find another rishta nor am I any closer to getting married to him because he keeps coming up with delays and excuses to avoid seeing me (but at the same time maintaining that he's still interested in me) and I don't want to find that in another six months I'm still in the same position- but that's exactly what happened. I phoned him a few weeks ago saying now a year has passed so tell me once and for all when I'd next see him; would it be within 6 months? or another year? He said he didn't know and I've reached a point now where I can't take any more of this from him so I've told him I'm moving on and no longer want any contact from him. I was very surprised to come across this sort of conduct from a practising convert Muslim who knows that Islam does not condone long engagements.

Everyone's telling me now he wasn't worth it and I can do way better than that, but where the hell is 'better' and why wont anyone introduce me to him?

awwwwwwww, Inshallah Allah will do better for you.
So you mean you are single and looking again ;)
Trust me you are not alone in this situation.... I can say the same that where is the 'better' chick for me?

[neelu]

I just received a reply from him today. He also wrote in the subject box that he wont bother me again so I'm assuming this will be the last I hear from him. I'm going to share this message with you cos' I think it sums up a lot of what's been happening- it might also go some way towards showing why I was so reluctant to let go of him in the first place, but as he admits himself this really is "too little too late":(. So here it is:

I just read your email............!

I have to say that i cant disagree with much of what you said. I
dont know if it matters, but i dont think i did or said enough to
explain to you what the last year has been like. Whatever excuses i
offer the bottom line is your right i didnt do anything to move things
along! I hope you know that its not because of you or how i felt about
you! I havent even seen my own family for almost a year!!! I have 25
days of leave left this year and its unlikely that i will get to take
any of it..... By the way i did book a flight to come over for Eid
(too little too late).

My move to Dubai did not turn out as planned and my move back is
looking even worst. As much as i might want otherwise you are better
to just move on..... The culture here is so work orientated that even
Arabs living here with local ties do not find time to sort out Nikah.
I was warned by a brother about that when i started, but didnt
understand what he was getting at. Anyway i will stop because its
starting to sound like im making excuses for myself when i really dont
have any excuse..... You offered me so much and asked for very little
in return.

I wish you all the best. May Allah grant you the goodness in this
life and the next.

[MG]

awww sis thats so sad :(

may allah swt grant you sabr and bless you with a pious, righteous husband ameen

you will get thru this sis inshallah

[Amatullah Adn]

Asalamu Alaykum,

Sister Amatullah, forgive me if I'm wrong...but, it seems, you, in your life experiences, have had to face some form of extreme negative treatment of women, from supposedly pious, 'Islamic', men.

I'm assuming, after witnessing such treatment, you grew up believing that Islam is all about the subjugation of women. Perhaps, you started looking at the west, the Godless secular society, seeing how women are supposedly liberated, and thought you want to be a part of it.

Am I right? :D

I'm guessing it was something like that which would force you to want to change your priorities in life.

To me, it seems, you lack understanding of Islam. You shouldn't let one extreme (negative attitudes of some muslim men), turn you to the opposite extreme ('Islamic' liberalism). You should at least, try to understand Islam from the correct sources. You don't look at Islam through your own opinions, there are clear sources for us, the Quran and the ahadith. This is what our religion is based on.

From these sources, it is very clear, you can't date. So, tell me, why do you insist on wanting to? It is haraam. Clearly, tell me you see that?

It's one thing to think it ok to sin, but it's another telling others to as well.

I ask you sincerely, to evaluate yourself and try to understand Islam from the perspective it is meant to be understood. Don't let men who abuse Islam ruin the true Islam for you. You owe it to yourself to learn.

I have no intention of becoming extreme. The West has its excesses but overall women are well treated here. The problem is the number of Islamic quotations that are open for abuse and the number of people who are openly allowed to abuse them without anyone taking them on.

[neelu]

:icon_offtopic: start yer own thread:rolleyes:

I have no intention of becoming extreme. The West has its excesses but overall women are well treated here. The problem is the number of Islamic quotations that are open for abuse and the number of people who are openly allowed to abuse them without anyone taking them on.

[Khadija222333]

I just received a reply from him today. He also wrote in the subject box that he wont bother me again so I'm assuming this will be the last I hear from him. I'm going to share this message with you cos' I think it sums up a lot of what's been happening- it might also go some way towards showing why I was so reluctant to let go of him in the first place, but as he admits himself this really is "too little too late":(. So here it is:

I just read your email............!

I have to say that i cant disagree with much of what you said. I
dont know if it matters, but i dont think i did or said enough to
explain to you what the last year has been like. Whatever excuses i
offer the bottom line is your right i didnt do anything to move things
along! I hope you know that its not because of you or how i felt about
you! I havent even seen my own family for almost a year!!! I have 25
days of leave left this year and its unlikely that i will get to take
any of it..... By the way i did book a flight to come over for Eid
(too little too late).

My move to Dubai did not turn out as planned and my move back is
looking even worst. As much as i might want otherwise you are better
to just move on..... The culture here is so work orientated that even
Arabs living here with local ties do not find time to sort out Nikah.
I was warned by a brother about that when i started, but didnt
understand what he was getting at. Anyway i will stop because its
starting to sound like im making excuses for myself when i really dont
have any excuse..... You offered me so much and asked for very little
in return.

I wish you all the best. May Allah grant you the goodness in this
life and the next.

Oh how sad! :crying: :crying: :crying:

[algharib]

Alhamdulilaah, the break off of my engeagement did not affect me negatively,it even made me to become stronger.