what should i do?

[please help]

i had an arranged marriage

i married him because he was religious in terms of praying and knowing the quran by heart. i did istikahara before marrying.

then after the wedding i realised all was not as it seemed.

he doesnt have the same outlook as me when it comes to other aspects of islam (things like freemixing, music , and other haraam things he indulges in alot)

before marriage i thought and assumed because he was religious that these things wud not feature in his life

and now i find that he has lied about another woman , and he sees no wrong in continually seeing her.

our families now know, my parents arent happy at all. his parents say that all marriages have their problems and that he will change.

im feeling trapped. i have never felt this unhappy in all my life as what i feel now.

since the wedding day he has always been distant and cold.

he says thats just the way he is and that he wont change.

i feel like im putting 95% into this and hes only putting 5%.

[mom2joseph2004]

I wouldn't stay with him if he's seeing another woman. Aside from the fact that he doesn't practice Islam, he is not a good man or a good husband by Islamic standards or by any standard. What are you getting out of this relationship? There are many good men out there. Give yourself a real chance at happiness and leave this guy.

Good luck and peace be with you,

Alex

[suzanne masri]

salam sis
your husband sounds like he put on a act it very sad to see that so called islamic men change when they get married yet some men are really great to be around. It sounds that your inlaws think its ok for him to see another lady personally i woudnt put up with it but go wit your gut instinct and if it doesnt feel right then make plans to leave
good luck

[Saeed Al-Muslim]

As Salaamu Alaikum,

Your situation sounds like that of one of my relatives. Although he did it for the passport. It's a deteriating situation. It is much better for you to remove him from your life now, rather then waste many years on someone who clearly isn't worth the effort. You, like many other women in this world, deserve a lot more than what he can offer. Do not sell yourself short, you know you deserve much better.

Ma'aSalaama

[please help]

jazakallah for all ur advice

everyday i think il just put up with it for a bit longer and see if things change.

before i got married i only felt lonely sometimes, now i feel lonely all the time. he amkes me feel like im nothing. ive never felt like this.

i think Allah might be punishing me. i dont know how much more i can take.

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams




i think Allah might be punishing me. i dont know how much more i can take.

Sis please don't think like this- Allah's love for us is more than the love a mother has for it's child. :ahb:

:wswrwb:

[Medievalist]

i had an arranged marriage

. . .
and now i find that he has lied about another woman , and he sees no wrong in continually seeing her.

our families now know, my parents arent happy at all. his parents say that all marriages have their problems and that he will change.

. . .

since the wedding day he has always been distant and cold.

he says thats just the way he is and that he wont change.

i feel like im putting 95% into this and hes only putting 5%.

Sister, you had an arranged marriage and if you had minimal contact with him before marriage then its going to obviously take you a while to understand each other. Hang in there! :up:

In regards the other woman - you are going to have to take courage and be determined. You need to win your husbands heart over from her. Beautify yourself from him, refrain from angering him or answering him back, when you think its a good time then talk about this other woman but not to make it into an argument. UNDOUBTEDLY - its painful and hurtful but you need to be the bigger person. You controlling yourself and putting full effort into your marriage is something very beloved to ALLAH Ta'ala and even if he (the husband) isn't appreciating it at the moment, you can rest assured that ALLAH Ta'ala is watching and appreciating - of this I have no doubt. Laugh with your husband, joke with him, massage his ego - ALLAH will put barakah in your marriage inshaALLAH.

About him being distant and cold. Thats something that often happens in arranged marriages. Your two strangers who are tied together, you're unsure about what he/she is really like. Speaking from cases that I've seen - if the husband is cold/unresponsive initially and the wife continues to be warm and affectionate then he slowly changes aswell.

I can understand how its painful but stick with it. The major issue is this other woman and she is most likely the cause of his distance :(. Was he happy with the marriage? How long have you been married?

You should try and arrange some time-out with each other. You and him, not your in-laws or your friends or anyone else (the other woman) in sight. Use such an opportunity to entice him towards you.

[shamson]

Advice in general - ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS should take the time to speak to potential spouses about EVERYTHING that concerns you! Just coz she wears hijab/he has a beard doesn't mean that you will have the same outlook, beliefs etc.

This is a very sad story may Allah make it easy for you sister

[Strict2TheSunna]

Allah is testing you, not punishing you.

[~Jafrene~]

speak to hi mand exaplin why u know this is worng that he is seeing another women, tel him this is not according to the shariah. and say u have a right to divorce him whereby u dnt hav to stay with him. u deserve better sis

[Noor_Usman]

Allah is testing you, not punishing you.

Asalamalikum.

I agree. Divorce is probably the most hated (by Allah) and yet halal thing we can do as muslims. Marriages were never meant to be easy. It is said that marriage is half the faith - because as muslims you have so many responcibilities to each other and the family you will raise (inshallah). You only have true grounds for divorce if you can honestly say (while fully sober- emotionally and otherwise) you'd rather be dead than married to that person :(

I am not trying to belittle you or your hurt feelings :rubeyes:.... but if you are going through a rough marriage then just think of all the blessings you'll be getting as long as you fullfill your role of the wife as intended. I have seen women in similar circumstances but alhamdilliah they have eventually realised that it is only Allah they need to care about them and so they do all their duties and bare the brunt of their husbands actions, knowing that they'll get much more reward for it. Usually the harder it is to do something right - the more blessings you will get for it! :up:

Just keep faith sis' :)

[please help]

assalaam wailykum

yes i know now that Allah is not punishing me
and even if He is then it is to rid me of past sins inshallah

i have tried hard to be an obedient, loving, caring wife
i have made sacrifices before and after marriage
but i get no care back from him, so now my heart is hardening a bit and i find it harder to be caring
its hard to care when that person obviously has no care for you, to answer another poster , he never jokes/laughs with me, he hardly spends time with me, this house is like a hotel and restaurant for him. when i suggest we spend time together he is quick to rebuff and is very disinterested. i think he was happy to get married to keep his parents happy and he thought that it wud provide a cover for what hes really like. or maybe he beleived it was possible to marry me and be happy and now realises that he cant.

and i feel like 'is this the person i really want to have children with? will he make a good father?'
and my heart is telling me 'no' he wont

anyway , please keep me in ur duaas, that i make the right choices in the months ahead.

may Allah save you all from troubles such as these.

[Tosh]

Asalamalikum.
You only have true grounds for divorce if you can honestly say (while fully sober- emotionally and otherwise) you'd rather be dead than married to that person :(


Without passing an opinion, just wanted to clarify. This statement is completely false, I find the highlighted in bold bit really dodgy from an Islamic point of view. Otherwise, OK (not opinion which would be good), Noor Usman.

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A woman came to the Prophet Muhammad seeking the dissolution of her marriage, she told the Prophet that she did not have any complaints against her husband's character or manners. Her only problem was that she honestly did not like him to the extent of not being able to live with him any longer. The Prophet asked her: "Would you give him his garden (the marriage gift he had given her) back?" she said: "Yes". The Prophet then instructed the man to take back his garden and accept the dissolution of the marriage (Bukhari).

In some cases, A Muslim wife might be willing to keep her marriage but find herself obliged to claim for a divorce because of some compelling reasons such as: Cruelty of the husband, desertion without a reason, a husband not fulfilling his conjugal responsibilities, etc. In these cases the Muslim court dissolves the marriage.

"among all the permitted acts, divorce is the most hateful to God" (Abu Dawood).
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