All too much today...

[self pity queen]

Asalamalikum.

I am slightly ashamed to post personal info on a forum but it's just all too much for me today and my brothers don't seem to understand how I feel.

I've been muslim for a few years now but it's been slow going trying to beat my naffs and I felt so useless when it was pointed out a few months ago that I had become very selfish. What's yours is yours -fine, I probably don't need/want it and what's mine is mine - and don't you dare touch it without asking...kinda thing *hangs head in shame*.

I tried to ignore it when the kids grabbed my new games consoles which have taken me months to get/save up for and porceeded to get all sorts of stuff over them *cringes* Tried to share my laptop and internet with my friends...who always left it turned on to go flat when they had finished and where probably the first to jump back on it when I'd charged it back up *sigh*...you know those kind of things...

Anyway...I couldn't be honestly 100% easy with it but I could try and pretend to myself that I didn't really care and it was just material stuff anyway so shame on me for being bothered.
But the one thing that was still 'MINE' was my money. I didn't even want to work but I figured sicne I had to (complicated but basically my nearest and dearest including friends wanted me to do a job for them - for my own good, character building etc) then I may as well pay own own bills and get my own toiletries and clothes out of it so my husband didn't have to pay for anything on my account. Which would normally make sense, no???.....

But no...it just caused more friction because I still had my independance of him...and boy did I know it! Even at the back of my mind where I tried to block it out.

So after many more converstations from various people saying I should submit fully to him...you know, the whole "how can you submit totally to Allah when you can't even submit to your husband".....which I guess is true... I finally gave in a few weeks ago.

Now I only work extra hours if he says I can....I give him all my wages (and mashallah he gives me £20 striaght back to pamper myself for the week and also makes sure I always have some emergency funds incase I need a taxi or bus or something)...I can only go and see my friend on my days off if I let him know in advance and he doesn't ask me to do other things during the day and he wants me back by the time he's home etc...

....and I feel so miserable!!
I try to smile but it's like jeckle and hyde. One minute I'm happy running for his cups of tea and to pass him the ash tray etc...and the next I'm cursing his gutts for cooking super noodles while I was away and leaving them to stick to the bottom of the saucepan..and plate (the stuffs a nightmare when it's dry and he knows I always wash it straight away or at least get ALL the noodles out and put some water in the pan until later)...and leaves the packaging on the side...for like 2 days!
You see...he used to do 50/50....then when I converted he still did a fair bit. And until very recently he used to be ok making his own brew every now and then and cleaning up a bit of his own mess a few times a week too....and now he does sod all! And it seems like he's just being difficult and lazy with lots of things because he never used to do them!...I can't bring a recent event to mind but an example is say for instance filling an ash try to over flowing and then still smoking using it and letting the ash fall on the floor... and never actually telling me it was full (says he expects me to notice)...or get one out of the next room which isn't full.

But it's not just that he seems to be being really difficult...I think I'm only being bothered by this because I never ask him personal questions or questions about work anymore...because at the end of the day it's non of my business...
...but I've lost ALL of my private life. He's started opening all my mail (which he's NEVER done)...I'm not really allowed to save any of my £20 a week because then I'll get possesive of my money again....but the things that I feel are important like getting some dental work done (which should have been done years ago and is gradually getting worse and more uncomfortable) or ordering a computer package that teaches arabic (which I thought was a great idea because then any of my friends and family can learn also)...or even topping my mobile up with more than £20 a month.....I'm not allowed any of these! I ask and he says no and that's the end of it..there's nothing I can do.

I applogise for saying this but I need to get it out of my system.
I have been broody for the last 2 years and finally got pregnant only to have a miscarriage 3 weeks ago at 11 weeks in (although the embyro had not developed) and I said alhumdillah because there was no heart and no heartbeat so Allah Tallah spared me the emotional pain of loosing a baby - it was just the physical pain. But now I still really want a baby and I'm still ok with loosing my first - there were reasons that only Allah knows but I feel like I'm intended for more than working half the week and sitting at home trying to amuse myself the rest of the time. I REALLY want to start a family but afterwards my husband said now was not a good time (he was overjoyed at first but I think he's taken it as a sign we're not ready) but being a mum-to-be brought a lot of things into perspective for me...like learning arabic properly!...and I just feel like nothing I do is going to be more important or worthwhile than raising a family....
Recently we didn't use contracetption one time and I know I'm secretly hoping I'm pregnant again but I feel so guilty because now I've just got my life back to normal and I'm going to have to put pressure on my work mates and husband again if I am....I know it's selfish...but I also guess I don't understand how wanting a child can really be selfish...if you get what I mean.

It's just all gotten too much for me and I'm sat here with tears running and feeling so small.
I know I could read aliekan maliekan for my worries but my naffs wont let me. My body has been so tense these last weeks that my joints physically hurt where I keep crushing myself up.

I just hope Allah will give me the strength soon to get over it all.....

(sorry for the essay but I needed to get it all out)

[Tiuchiha]

I don't think your husband can take your money. In Islam it is your money and your husband cannot take it from you.

[dhakiyya]

In Islam, your husband has no rights over your money. Its his duty to provide for you, and anything you earn is your own. If you decided by choice to spend it on household expenses, it counts as charity.

Also, your husband can't make you use contraceptive. Its your right to try to have babies inshaAllah. There is nothing selfish about wanting babies, its natural for women (and men for that matter) to want babies, its the maternal instinct.

From a medical point of view... if you have been trying for a baby constantly for more than 12-18 months, go see a doctor who should refer you and your husband for tests to see if either of you has fertility problems. Although the fact that you were pregnant suggests that you don't, but one or both of you may be sub fertile - which is where you are fertile but it takes much longer inshaAllah to concieve because of minor problems.

For people that are sub fertile there are many things you can do to increase your fertility, I typed up loads of tips for someone else in anon counselling I'll see if I can find them for you.

[self pity queen]

Salam.

The thing is you see...if your husband can not manage finanitally then you have a duty to help him. That's what we're taught and what our friends and family believe anyway. They say it's not fair if you have nothing else to do - such as raising young children, to expect your husband to flaunder around struggling when you can get a job at least part time and ease his burden....because as a wife that's your job....to support him and ease his burden in this life.

I also held strongly to the fact that a woman's money was her own but what I have been told since is that if a husband asks his wife for something she must give it to him......and this apparently includes money. And at the end of the day the problem has been identified that I'm too independant and have become selfish purely because I have money....and in the past I've even earnt more than my husband. We'd still be on the same wage if I did a full weeks work! So it's been advised that I need to do my duty supporting my husband but that I should give him my money every week and just ask when ever I need any. With regards to food etc this is fine but when it comes to other things like the Arabic I admit it really gets to me that he can say no because now it's 'our' money and as head of the house he gets final say.
Everyone seems to be approving of me doing this now though.

Thanks for looking for the information for me re: fertility. TBH I think I probably do have low fertility. I wont blame my husband because I know from my past that I've abused my body (mainly through starvation and years of bad diet) and I've never had a pregancy scare in about 7 years. It was a real shock as it was the last thing we expected, I was already 8 weeks in before I even knew. The doctors have said nothing is medically wrong with me (although they didn't check fertility) and that it was 'bad luck' and 1 in 4 first time mum's have a miscarriage. Well I know Allah has reasons why I was that 1 in 4 and in that I find my comfort. I have just come off a course of herbal medicine prescribed by a muslim ..erm, doctor I guess you could call him...don't know the name for it....which gives your body nurrishment and helps heal old wounds and it is only since then that I became pregnant.

I doubt my husband would let me try and openly concieve though and my friends would be agahst!. As much as they are all wonderful muslims they seem to forget that Allah is our ultimate sustainer and worry about things like finances. I admit that I get wrapped up in the material world as well but I tend to snap out of it for a time and refocus. Today I am fully aware that I'm going to go to hell if I don't buck up my ideas. Hell is not just a word to me...the idea, when it hits me, fills me with fear because I honestly believe in it!

I guess I have an idea of what I want to be. I want to speak at least 4-5 languages, be a mother who raises her children to be great muslims, take care of my husband and be one of those people who draw others to them.
.....and I'm a long way off this dream image of myself!!! And I'm filled with frustration not knowing what to do when I'm not allowed children or the means to learn new languages...just because of this horrible harram stuff called money *grrrr!*

[dhakiyya]

You don't have a duty - if you do what you are doing it counts as charity.

I was in the same situation as you were... except that I was actually pregnant. Make lots of duas, maybe your husband can retrain or something, maybe leaving the UK altogether is the answer... the UK economy is geared up for both partners to be working, whether they are parents or not, and house prices/average rents are astronomical, making it very hard even for double income ordinary people, and impossible to be a stay at home mum unless your husband is an investment banker or something.

the gulf countries are great places for Muslims to work, what you earn goes a lot further, the economy is geared up for just one partner to work so if you took employment there inshaAllah he'd be able to support you and any children Allah may bless you with inshaAllah, and have a nicer house (in fact many employers over there pay your rent as part of the employment package) and money left over to save up, spend on less essential things, give to charity etc. AND it has the added bonus that you will inshaAllah be living in an Islamic environment (provided you are not housed in a westerners compound - something you can request from a potential employer if you explain that you are practicing Muslims, need to go to the masjid etc)

Okay thats just one potential solution to the problem, inshaAllah there are many others......... may Allah bless your family with beautiful healthy pious Muslim children, and the means for your husband to support you all in a wholesome, healthy environment, and make your husband love his work, and have money left over and you love to be a mum :love: ameen

[dhakiyya]

If you are sub fertile, delaying having children could make it worse, because fertility declines with age. You don't say how old you are. If you are already in your late twenties or early thirties, I would not advise delaying. InshaALlah I'll try to find the other tips I posted before.

[dhakiyya]

Here's the stuff I posted before on fertility: (cut and pasted from another thread mashaAllah)

----

How long have you been trying? If it is more than a year and a half/two years have you been checked out by your doctor? Allah has made cures for every ailment except old age and this includes problems with the reproductive system. Most fertility treatments are halal (provided they use your eggs and your husbands sperm) and not all are invasive (it depends what the problem is) Of course you must still make dua and ask Allah for success because success in anything including any medical treatments for anything only work if Allah makes them work.

If it is less than that time that you are trying, or if you have already seen a doctor, continue to have patience and keep making dua inshaAllah.

Also the following will help boost yours and your husbands fertility: (in addition to making dua of course!)

1. make sure you are having sex at least once every three days.

2. make sure you have eating a healthy balanced diet, with plenty of vitamins and minerals. For your husband this should include zinc (this mineral is needed by the body to make healthy sperm inshaAllah)

3. in addition to 2, you should take a prenatal vitamin supplement if you are not already, the one called pregnacare is halal and suitable for vegetarians. This is not just to make sure your body is in top condition, its also to ensure that inshaAllah if Allah blesses you with pregnancy there is plenty of vitamins and minerals available for your unborn baby inshaAllah. Deficiency of folic acid, for example, can cause spina bifida in a developing baby.

Your husband could perhaps take a supplement like wellman (designed for mens health), if he's not able to always eat fresh healthy foods.

4. Make sure you are a healthy weight for your height. Being obese, or being underweight is bad for fertility. (this is true for both men and women)

5. Ignore all gimmicky devices for trying to predict when you are ovulating. They don't work anyway as its better for the sperm to be there already before you ovulate. Better just to make sure you have sex at least every three days so there is always sperm lying in wait for the egg (so to speak, excuse the expression)

6. Try not to worry as this has a negative effect on fertility. Just enjoy being with your husband inshaAllah.

7. Your husband should avoid hot baths, saunas (not that Muslim men go to those places innit?) and tight trousers. Please excuse the crudeness of this explanation but sperm are produced at a lower temperature than normal body temperature.

8. Both of you should avoid smoking (inshaAllah you don't do that anyway!) and stay away from smoky environments. There are chemicals in cigarette smoke that damage sperm, and also hinder a rertilised egg from implanting in the uterus

9. Get healthy exercise (both you and your husband) as this improves circulation and overall health.

10. And of course with everything else, dua dua and more dua and always ask Allah for success with everything you do inshaAllah

EDIT: please note, regarding #3 pregnacare in the standard format is halal, but pregnacare in the +omega 3 format is not because the omega 3 capsule contains gelatine

[Abu Nuh AMW]

asalamu'alaikum

btw is your husband muslim??

[34354]

Asalaamu Alaykum Sister,

We start by praising Allah and then by sending peace and blessings upon Muhammad (SAW), his companions and all the righteous believers until the day of judgement.

I think the starting point for all of this is Islam and naturally through Islam we find solutions. When we first start practising be it as people who have come to Islam, or as people who have been brought up as Muslim but only realise that many years later, there is an urge to want to do everything. Learn the whole Qur'an, memorise various hadeeth, learn arabic etc. And in the process sometimes we overburden ourselves and tire ourselves out. A better way of doing it would be starting small and working our way up. Kinda like the first time you start exercising having done nothing for years, you go all out, and then your knocked out for weeks and never go back until a few months later !

The answer is as always from Islam and the answer as always is to things regularly, however small, but regularly, then moving things up a notch and so on and so forth.

You mentioned habits which you have which you are not too happy about, don't be too hard on yourself, we all have things which we don't like, and we want to change those habits, it takes time, but with sincerety it gets done.

What I would advise strongly is for you to seek knowledge, buy some books from good bookstores, go to good websites reading authentic Islamic literature, read about the seerah of Muhammad (SAW) and as you gain this knowledge it will change you and it will transform you and perhaps you'll look back over a year or two and see that in fact you are a completely different person.

In regards to your husband, well your wealth is not his wealth, but his wealth is your wealth, he has rights over you and you have rights over him. Perhaps spend time together and learn things together, you know say we'll sit together for 10 minutes a day and learn a topic on Islam. Maybe that'll encourage him to learn more about Islam and it might encourage him to help you learn more about Islam. It might also help him reform some haraam habits like smoking etc.

The point is never get depressed for this is a trap from shaytaan, seek help from Allah during the times that your du'a is likely to be accepted (in the last third of the night, the hour before maghrib on jumuah, during fasting etc) and as I said above work on things slowly, and inshaAllah things will begin to turn around.

And I ask Allah to guide us both to a path straighter then the one we traverse and to give us good in this life and the hereafter, ameen.


Wasalaamu Alaykum

[*hayat*]

salam

if your husband is muslim advice him not to smoke as it is not halal and keep praying lots!!

best wishes

[Baybars]

Your money is YOUR money, and your husband has no right to it. Sure you can give it to him if you so desire, but there is nothing wrong with keeping your own money for your own security. In fact (speaking from the personal experience of watching my mother hand over her wages to my father every week for years on end) in my opinion women should guard their own wealth.

It is nothing but greed that inspires a man to take his wife's hard earned money in this way.

[.: Anna :.]

sis to me it sounds slightly like ur husband is trying to manipulate :S
what he is doing is not right. in islam ur money is urs and he doesnt have the right to access it, he can not take ur money or order u to hand it over, nor can he compell u even to work if you do not want to. when u work, that money is all urs, if you want to give him as a gift or charity then fine but he can not grab it all and control everything of urs and give back only twenty pounds and not allow u to save it. that has no basis in islam, it is a kind of oppression
i feel slightly dubious whether u are really even so selfish etc like he has been saying because this sounds like what someone says to try and make the person feel guilty or bad, then its easier to manipulate or take advantage of the situation. he may be jealous that u earn more so some men feel threatend by that and by ne kind of independence.
i am not trying to turn u against ur husband in ne way astaghfirullah, but u need 2 be aware of ur rights and status in islam and wat has a basis and wat doesnt, only with this knowledge can u protect urself from being treated in the wrong way with ur rights being abused. then if you inform urself of the whole situation and u decided u want to give all ur money to him that is ur choice, but its not right for him to compel u to do so and also in the same time make u feel bad about urself!!
as the above person said keeping a certain amount of money is security. nothing in islam says u can never hav more than 20 to ur name. and i agree with the last statement aswell it seems like greed on the mans part. its not okay for her to keep her own money and use as she desires, but it is okay for him to take the lot as his own and take control of everything??

insha allah sis make sure u get fully informed on ur rights then mayb talk to him about this, especially as it is making u unhappy and also tell him the way he speaks 2 u, putting u down and telling that ur selfish and too materialistic etc is not good... thats not the right way to talk to a wife, if ones wife had those traits there r better gentler ways 2 improve, if it reallys is the case...