Please HELP- Major marriage issue

[Depressed Soul]

Salam.

Please help- i know only Allah can help me so can any one tell me any good duas to read??

Will try to be very brief.

My family has planned for so many years for me to marry my cousin. There is nothing wrong with her; she is a good religious girl but i just see her as my cousin nothing more. I have been seeing this other girl for a while and now who i would really like to marry. This girl comes from a family which has a bad name and all the community knows this even the girl due to a number of factors, ie her family, environment, up bringing etc has had a past past, ie she has been married before, ran away from the house, and few other major things – basically she has a very bad rep. Anyways i have been with her for two years, she has changed for the best she is a very amazing girl and i really
see myself being with her for life.

The problem is my family would never ever agree to this full stop specially as some of them have found out about her past and outright refused the idea of us marrying. Even if they did by a miracle it would cause great divides with the rest of the family as my cousins family has been waiting for so many years.

So the two options are either tell her to go her own way and i marry my cousin just to keep my family happy which i really don’t want. If i take this option i am certain the girl who i tell to go her own way will not be able to cope at all and has spoke of committing suicide which i believe she will probably follow through due to her state of mind and how unstable she is.

The 2nd option is leaving the family for the girl- obviously this option will cause great distress for everyone!!

I request all brothers and sisters to let me know of any duas, prayers etc which can help me in this matter.

WaSalam

[Chained_Water]

:wswrwb:

You seem to be blinded by "love". You ought to step back and think about what you want here, is it good for you, because everything screams out no it's not.

Do you want your kids to be influenced by this girls family? Do you not think she is unstable? If you think she's really gonna top herself if you leave her, doens't that tell you she got issues. So what make syou think she's gonna be a good wife or a good mother if her past, her family, her present, just everything about her points to the opposite?

I think it is pretty clear you should leave this girl.. whether you marry your cousin or not is a different issue.

If she is really so lovely, she will go and sort her life out, sort her family out, and then make something of her life the right way. Not by saying she'll kill hersle fif you don't marry her, and not by putting you in a position where you could lose your family too.

And it wouldn't matter if she was the best girl in the world.. it's not worth losing your parents over anyone.

You should focus on your family, your relationship with your parents, making them understand you don't wanna marry your cousin, ending that engagement, developing a closeness and strong relationship wth your folks, so they understand what you are after in a wife.. and then together with them try to find someone that meets that.

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:wswrwb:


Read Istikhara brother but to leave family is a no no – seriously are you crazy (I mean this in a nice way) your family who raised you up and loved you can you ever think of sacrificing that unconditional love for a woman who you can replace anyways.

Ok ok I’m not a marriage cynic before anyone asks but there are times one needs to be blunt- you’ll find another and from what I gather SubhanAllah for the change but she isn’t something spectacular is she or are you selling yourself short?

She will commit suicide if you don’t marry her dude she seems a bit off you know can you imagine married life with her? Suicide is Haraam she should know this.


She needs Islam in her life and needs to sort herself out- your no superhero and quit playing it.

Be honest did you ever lead her to the prospect of marriage and happy ending and omitting the details of your family disapproval?

Girls and guys come and go – it’s a fact of life br. Parents aren’t.

You are most likely better off without such an unstable marriage to an unstable lady. Don’t marry your cousin but don’t go and marry this lady if she isn’t good for you!

One extreme to the other! Sit down and voice your concerns with your Parents it could be your cousin is the one – read Istikhara and be practical.

Straight up akhee! :nerdbro:

:wswrwb:

[Mace]

I would agree, you could take the option of marrying neither.

I don't think you said whether you really love this girl. You said you're "seeing" her. But if you do love her, I think you would want to help her with her state of mind and stability long before you even think about marriage.

Marrying her in an unstable mental state is doing her no favors, and certainly you no favors, and would be a very difficult way to start a family. You might want to think about that.

I know what it's like to disobey your family and lose them even for a couple of years. It's very painful, for you and them. I would not recommend it unless you are absolutely certain you are doing it for a greater cause. Remember they love you and I'm sure you love them.

Best of luck to you and may God help you through these decisions you are making.

[strict2thasunna]

Your relationship with the girl is haraam, therefore it should end without further discussion. A haram relationship will never succeed.

[depressed Soul]

Thanks for your replies, much appriciated.

I do really feel she will be a good wife, caring to my parent and a good Muslim etc, the change in her over the last two years has shown this, so i don’t really think this is an issue, her not being right for me,.

In terms of sitting down with the family and discussing not marrying my cousin that is the main issue, they are no way going to shift their position on this matter, the sad fact is my parents are from Pak and don’t see what they are doing is wrong, there mind set is backwards, sitting down and talking is out the question..

Getting someone respectable to communicate with them is not going to work either...

[Peacenik]

Salaam

How about marrying both of them ?

Seriously.

[Depressed Soul]

strict2thesunna... THANKS for your most helpfull advice - dont try too hard next time you might actually help someone......

If i am not wrong i was talkin about marraige which is sunna?? going from oposite of being "Harram"

so in your case an idiot can never become clever.... ehmm sounds a bit stupid.. right..

[Depressed Soul]

thats a good one.. marry both of them. Like it... lol

considering its sooo unfeasible ( the tought of two woman getting on with each other) but yet thinking about it probably the closest to a half soloution..... not sure if thats a good thing or just an indication of how complicated matters am in.

[heaven2002]

dont go marrying ur cousin just to keep the family happy
no point ruining her life
poor girl

[angel*]

Mmmm basically at the end of the day u dont want 2 marry ur cuz right? If u think u wont make her a good husband and may b unfaithful 2 her its best not 2 go thru with it, if in sumway ur not able 2 love her as she is supposed 2 b loved, cuz then ud b ruining her life thru no fault of her own. Weather u marry ur "other" half is an issue that cumz 2nd to ^^^.

Dont ruin ur cuznz life.

[RaNdOm]

strict2thesunna... THANKS for your most helpfull advice - dont try too hard next time you might actually help someone......

If i am not wrong i was talkin about marraige which is sunna?? going from oposite of being "Harram"

so in your case an idiot can never become clever.... ehmm sounds a bit stupid.. right..

:salams

about what strict2thesunna said, if u were 'seein' her... him sayin its a haraam relationship isnt wrong tho... and i think he gave good blunt advice mashaAllah so i dont think u should be mean!

wont the blessings in ur marriage be lessened if u start it off with sumt haraam? i dont think i could ever do it cos anythin that went wrong id blame it on the sin of havin a haraam relationship cos

“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allaah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…” [al-Nisa’ 4:79]

“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much.” [al-Shoora 42:30]

no1s havin a go at u tho...

[ImaanSeeker]

Listen to your parents. There is much blessing and barakah in that.

[RJ8AYB]

I was in your position. I tried for 4 years trying to marry the girl I wanted to marry, whereas my family wanted me to marry my cusion whom I not only have no feelings for, but frankly I despise her, her family and the rest of my relatives in Pakistan, and most of them in the UK. I have bad history with them all. Eventually the girl I wanted to marry got a very good proposal from another brother whom she has since ended up marrying, may Allah (swT) bless them, Ameen. But during those four years I’ve spent about £15,000 taking care of her i.e. rent, school, bills etc. So what I am going to say now isn’t from someone who hasn’t been were you are today. My advice to you is to break your relationship with this girl, yes it’s not going to be easy, and it’ll take time for you to forget her and move on. But also do not marry your cusion. After a few months, or a year search again using the proper halal channels to find yourself a sister here in the UK, even if this sister happens to be the one you just left.

[perfectpearl]

Aslamu Alkum

You dont have to marry your cousin if you just cant and don't see her as a wife. Just talk to your parents about it and CLEARLY state that you DO NOT want to marry her.

For the other girl, she seems like she has issues. She maybe giving you a perfect image just for marriage purposes. Try to let other people that know of the changes talk to her and see what shes really about.

Just remeber that you dont have to marry neither of them. You still have time to find the "one".

May Allah guide you.

[aisha2007]

Thanks for your replies, much appriciated.

I do really feel she will be a good wife, caring to my parent and a good Muslim etc, the change in her over the last two years has shown this, so i don’t really think this is an issue, her not being right for me,.

In terms of sitting down with the family and discussing not marrying my cousin that is the main issue, they are no way going to shift their position on this matter, the sad fact is my parents are from Pak and don’t see what they are doing is wrong, there mind set is backwards, sitting down and talking is out the question..

Getting someone respectable to communicate with them is not going to work either...


Akhi how can you state that you dont think its an issue her not being right for you?
She is unstable enough to threaten suicide if you leave her.....its called emotional blackmail.
If she is prepared to use emotional blackmail to keep you, and is prepared to do it knowing you could lose your family, the next thing will be chose between me and them, and if you chose them I will kill myself.
Subhanallah.
So what happens if you do marry, and something doesn't suit? You say to her your family don't accept her so you are going to see your mom alone. She then reacts with no no if they don't see me then you have to chose. You are setting yourself up to fail akhi.
You have one set of parents, treasure them and respect them. I have maybe hours left with my father right now who is dying with leukeamia and I thank Allah that I haven't done anything to hurt him.
If you truly don't want to marry your cousin then explain that to your family, but don't give up on what has potential for something that does not.
And please also remember, that arranged marriage isn't 'backwards' it's something that is agreeable in Islam, although given with the right to agree or disagree.
I think you need to take a step back from both relationships, and if this is what you have been doing for two years, your relationship with this other person is haram.

[Depressed Soul]

sallam

its getting confussing, i think the sisters are saying not to marry my cuz just to keep my parrents happy and then maybe / possibility of ruining my cuz'ins life which kinda makes sense..

And i think the the brothers are saying to listen to my parrents which is all good and something which one would always like to do... but the problem is in what they are wanting me to do ie forcing me to marry my cuz....

:salams

about what strict2thesunna said, if u were 'seein' her... him sayin its a haraam relationship isnt wrong tho... and i think he gave good blunt advice mashaAllah so i dont think u should be mean!

wont the blessings in ur marriage be lessened if u start it off with sumt haraam? i dont think i could ever do it cos anythin that went wrong id blame it on the sin of havin a haraam relationship cos


no1s havin a go at u tho...

in terms of the above am not trying to be mean and i dont really think it was good blunt advice, it would have been if I was talking about just having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship which i was but rather talking about getting married and requesting good sensible advice . Obviously i know what we did is Haram ie our initial relationship.. but sayin you should not marry because you have started something with the wrong foot isnt really constructive i think...

[raaraa]

the most important thing is to have ur families dua with u
so dnt ditch ur family for this girl
n make ur family happy. fmily always come first, if u dnt wanna marry ur cuz fair enuff bt really woteva u do, keep ur family smiling

[Strict2TheSunna]

Yes, insha'Allah my advice will help you in this life, and might even save you from the hell fire of the next life.

[aisha2007]

sallam

its getting confussing, i think the sisters are saying not to marry my cuz just to keep my parrents happy and then maybe / possibility of ruining my cuz'ins life which kinda makes sense..

And i think the the brothers are saying to listen to my parrents which is all good and something which one would always like to do... but the problem is in what they are wanting me to do ie forcing me to marry my cuz....



in terms of the above am not trying to be mean and i dont really think it was good blunt advice, it would have been if I was talking about just having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship which i was but rather talking about getting married and requesting good sensible advice . Obviously i know what we did is Haram ie our initial relationship.. but sayin you should not marry because you have started something with the wrong foot isnt really constructive i think...

Akhi Im not saying don't marry her to keep your parents happy,, I am saying she is holding you hostage with emotional blackmail, and who knows how far she will take it? You could end up with no family, no friends and cut off from everyone....is this how you wish to live?
If your relationship was haram (and you know in your heart if it was) then it is between you and Allah, we aren't here to judge you. BUT if she threatens to harm herself if you leave her now....what impact is it going to have later in the relationship?
Everytime she threatens to harm herself are you going to cave in to her demands? And take it a few years forward when you have kid who understand....you are going to do something she doesn't like and she tells you within the hearing of the kids that she will kill herself? Man this kind of stuff screws with people's heads...and it is a form of domestic abuse. It's a mental health issue.

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:
Salam.

Please help- i know only Allah can help me so can any one tell me any good duas to read??

Will try to be very brief.

My family has planned for so many years for me to marry my cousin. There is nothing wrong with her; she is a good religious girl but i just see her as my cousin nothing more.

:wswrwb: (I forgot to return it before i apologise :wavey: )



Another thing akhee - you say there is nothing wrong with your cousin she's a 'good religious girl'... what are you waiting for dude? Good Islamic spouses are very rare like pearls- you have found one- appreciate her and :insha: your future will be bright, treat her like the pearl.


She is in a class of her own- she has grasped the Deen akhee and this is better for you and for your future children :insha:


What else are you looking for? She is your cousin and you can marry her- it's the Kufaar belief that says 'ooh how can i think of marrying her she's like a sister' etc - well to us Muslims we can marry our cousins- nowt wrong with that.

The answer is staring at you in the face akhee grasp it and be pleased that Allah has decreed what he has and gifted you with a pearl. :love:

:wswrwb:

[Debater Bhai]

mushkil mein daal dia na? koi aasan kaam naheen ker saktay thay?

well, it happens in your age which I guess would be in early 20s? many of us run after something that glitters, you did the same without realizing what it was, i mean if you were already engaged with a cousin you were not supposed to take this risk of loving another girl, you simply fell in love because she attracted you or you got attracted to her, anyways, it has already happened now

1. if you marry this girl, you're going to hurt your parents and your cousin and her family

2. and if you marry your cousin, your going to make yourself unhappy and the girl you love will commit suicide, well that's exagerration, no one commits suicide for such things these days, or if you handle the situation properly she won't do it.

I understand your situation, love is blind and so are you, you cant see anything but this girl, im not blaming you, your a human being and it happens to many guys so often, but my sincere advise to you brother, is that you should take time, delay your marriage with whoever it's gonna be, and in the meantime keep making duas that Allah will make things easy for you and that you will marry the one who's better for you, i'm telling you bro, don't hurry, take more time, with time inshaAllah the sky will get more clear from clouds and you maybe able to see more stars in the sky at night, I hope Allah will make it clear to you soon which girl is better for you as your life partner.

Be happy, don't worry

[neelu]

Take some time away from your family and both women. Pray regularly, go on Umrah for a few weeks to help you clear your head and put your trust in Allah (swt). Do dua istikhara a few times (some people only need to do it once but others need to repeat the dua before they are able to make a decision). Inshallah with a bit of time and space to think, you'll be able to make your own mind up. Your family have no right to force or emotionally blackmail you into a marriage which you don't want. This decision is more about your life than theirs so you're fully within your rights to insist that you cannot marry your cousin BUT on the other hand, if you reach a point where you feel she'd be a good wife for you and you can really have a future together and you'd easily be able to move on from the other girl then maybe marrying your cousin might turn out to be good.

[Strict2TheSunna]

I don't understsand some of your advice? You want to him to pray and go to umrah and make dua if he should

A.) Marry a girl he has a haram relationship with.
B.) Have a halal marriage.

:rubeyes:

[X6EPR9]

A.) Marry a girl he has a haram relationship with.Allah (swT) in the Qur'an tells those who are chaste to marry those who are chaste, and those who commit zina are to marry those who commit zina.

[mom2joseph2004]

That's a hard position to be in. Family can be very loving but also very domineering. I guess if it were me, I would not marry my cousin. I was in a similar situation once but my parents didn't twist my arm about it - they let me make my choice. One thing that's always surprised me is encouraging marriage between cousins, given the genetic evidence that this increases the odds of genetic and chromosomal abnormalities in the offspring.

As for your girlfriend, you seem to care about her alot. If she is a believing Muslim, I think that will help you to weather the storms. I have to admit, I am a little concerned that she mentioned suicide. I think she's not at peace with who she is yet, and that could mean difficulties and heartache down the road, no matter how good a person she is. I guess it's your call - do you feel up to helping her through her emotional difficulties and defending this relationship to whoever opposes it. That's what it would take.
Best wishes,

Alex

[Depressed Soul]

I don't understsand some of your advice? You want to him to pray and go to umrah and make dua if he should

A.) Marry a girl he has a haram relationship with.
B.) Have a halal marriage.

:rubeyes:

Strick2thesunna I don’t understand any of your advice, matter of fact you don’t even have any rational advice to give. The advice given by the senior member “neelu” was extremely wise.

” Pray regularly, go on Umrah for a few weeks to help you clear your head and put your trust in Allah (swt).”

What’s wrong with praying and asking Allah (swt) for guidance??, who’s guidance can be better than Allahs swt??

Strict2thesunna don’t think you even tried to fully understand the issue at hand for a start, you keep talking utter nonsense about finishing a haram relationship which is exactly what my post is relating too, i.e. should I marry this girl and this is what I am requesting advice for in terms of the best way to go about it. You talk gibberish of a Halal marriage!! What Halal marriage are you talking about? The marriage my folk are forcing me to go ahead with?? I didn’t know a forced marriage could be fully defined as a hallal marriage? Could it??

I know a haram relationship is going to be remembered as haram but is it not better for those involved to marry accordance to the sunna and then just have memories of a initial haram relationship but then the opportunity to make the best of a bad start, and I know Allah is the most merciful, One from whom you can ask for forgiveness and repentance..

If you got a point to make at least make it with some justification i.e.
Example : Don’t marry the girl you have been seeing as it will be harram forever !!! Then give some quote or reference to the Quran, Hadith etc

You need to start thinking outside the box if you don’t have anything wise to say or want to say something consult an imam why don’t you?? There are folk on here with serious issues, wanting, thinking they can get the right advice for their needs and the last thing they need is someone that is clueless to their issues giving thoughtless irrational advice.

[PiElle2]

I have come across situations like this before and I often think to myself... Sometimes.... I wish I was a man so I can marry 1,2,3 or 4 women who need help.

But I am not, so if I were you, I will speak to your cousin, since you say she is religious and pious type, she should be understanding of your situation and offer her respecful views and opinions... And I would think a pious person should be a forgiving person too... among many other qualities expected of a religious and pious person... Ask her if she'll be happy and accept that you marry her because of family pressure and ask her if she can accept you marrying the other girl cos you want to help her and all 3 of you can practice the deen together. You see... if you marry your cousin, then you are leaving the other poor girl on her own defence. But if you marry the other girl, she will be your cousin's family, too, how is she going to take it? And if you marry both, you 3 are family.... Know what I mean...?

As for the other girl, you have to make sure she understands she have to follow the path of Islam, hopefully, on her own, eventually. Ok, fair to say we dun look at the past too much cos the future is always more important. You yourself have to know the tough challenges ahead of you if you choose to marry this girl. Ask her if she will accept you marrying your cousin so to help her better and practice her deen...? If not, if you marry her, she has to face you cousin, as she's in the family... Know what I mean?

A marriage is between you and the other person (families try to intervene but hey they ain't your spouse right?), one-sided wants is not a very safe mature way of looking at it. Both parties must know the situations and circumstance very well, agree to work on the marriage and family relations -TOGETHER... and most important, to do things ALL FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH... Inshallah... your marriage/s will be successful...

I hope my thoughts make sense.

Btw... so you find this other girl is more amazing than your religious cousin...? :scratch:

Oh also... pray Istikhara.

May Allah be with you. Ameen.