restleSs
07-07-07, 11:43 PM
salamualeikum brothers and sisters
i dunno wut's goin on with me?! :S one moment i feel alryte and the next i feel like takin the life outta me...i'm much calmer now and want to know what others think of the following, i'll describe my 'symptoms' - the agony - i go thru daily, lately...
i feel depressed, very very very depressed sometimes - so much so that i wish i was never born...and question my existence...
i've lately been incredibly rude to me mum...i don't how or why..i just dunno...i feel myself goin against her :s like she's responsible (somehow) for all the troubles that i and my family faced..and this myte sound really odd but i think i want to see her hurt :S..(for the record - my mum's a good soul mashaAllah, and i count her amongst best friends of mine...that close i'm to her and yet...)
i've been indulging in something which i shouldn't have...it's prohibited an act...and lately i've started questioning the prohibition...this is creating a lot of doubts in my mind....even tho i knw why the act's haram etc...still my mind or rather something just pushes me..
abt a year ago i came to know that someone's apparently done black magic on me...and my mum....even then i thought twakkul Allah, it's Only Allah who truely knows and controls everything...however, i've been the past some days wondering if its the BM which is somehow influencing my behavior :S i dunno how to put it...like i know i shouldnt be sayin this but somehow i say it! i try hard to behave, control myself but i seem to be powerless against my own tongue! i can also sometimes feel something..like someone controlling me - is it only me or can one be controlled like that?...i, when am in that mood, curse myself and those around me, am filled with hatred for myself and also have this urge to inflict injury upon my body (i've bitten myself more than once...but havent done so in quite sometime because i've been tryin to control the urge..) and yea i dont easily open up, cryin doesnt come easily to me...i got a lot inside o me...am very frustrated a soul and i dunno how to get it off my chest...am afraid that ima hurt myself real bad if i dunno whats goin on with me (IF something's wrong with me)..
inshort...i feel am not worthy of living...even tho i know why we've been send in this world...and thats kind of ironic because apparently am well read and well aware of most of the things...and yet i've such wierd questions..
help me out brothers and sisters - what is it exactly? only my nafs and shaitaan or something else...and please tell me am not crank :S and yea i've been delayin my salaah as a matter of fact i do not...feel like prayin at all :( and all of its upsetting me..the rude stuff i say...the act i do...and yet wantin to remain on the ryte path...just how..i wanna know...?
i dunno wut's goin on with me?! :S one moment i feel alryte and the next i feel like takin the life outta me...i'm much calmer now and want to know what others think of the following, i'll describe my 'symptoms' - the agony - i go thru daily, lately...
i feel depressed, very very very depressed sometimes - so much so that i wish i was never born...and question my existence...
i've lately been incredibly rude to me mum...i don't how or why..i just dunno...i feel myself goin against her :s like she's responsible (somehow) for all the troubles that i and my family faced..and this myte sound really odd but i think i want to see her hurt :S..(for the record - my mum's a good soul mashaAllah, and i count her amongst best friends of mine...that close i'm to her and yet...)
i've been indulging in something which i shouldn't have...it's prohibited an act...and lately i've started questioning the prohibition...this is creating a lot of doubts in my mind....even tho i knw why the act's haram etc...still my mind or rather something just pushes me..
abt a year ago i came to know that someone's apparently done black magic on me...and my mum....even then i thought twakkul Allah, it's Only Allah who truely knows and controls everything...however, i've been the past some days wondering if its the BM which is somehow influencing my behavior :S i dunno how to put it...like i know i shouldnt be sayin this but somehow i say it! i try hard to behave, control myself but i seem to be powerless against my own tongue! i can also sometimes feel something..like someone controlling me - is it only me or can one be controlled like that?...i, when am in that mood, curse myself and those around me, am filled with hatred for myself and also have this urge to inflict injury upon my body (i've bitten myself more than once...but havent done so in quite sometime because i've been tryin to control the urge..) and yea i dont easily open up, cryin doesnt come easily to me...i got a lot inside o me...am very frustrated a soul and i dunno how to get it off my chest...am afraid that ima hurt myself real bad if i dunno whats goin on with me (IF something's wrong with me)..
inshort...i feel am not worthy of living...even tho i know why we've been send in this world...and thats kind of ironic because apparently am well read and well aware of most of the things...and yet i've such wierd questions..
help me out brothers and sisters - what is it exactly? only my nafs and shaitaan or something else...and please tell me am not crank :S and yea i've been delayin my salaah as a matter of fact i do not...feel like prayin at all :( and all of its upsetting me..the rude stuff i say...the act i do...and yet wantin to remain on the ryte path...just how..i wanna know...?