View Full Version : What to tell my daughter
haiderayesha
04-07-07, 09:05 PM
In few years my daughter will me of marriage age, I hope we can find a good husband for her. We Muslims are not supposed to talk about it. But I am wondering if I should tell her anything about marriage and marital duties, etc. When I got married I was very innocent and all my mother told be before marriage was not to say no to my husband for anything. Though he is very nice man, it was quite an experience for me. I would not want her to experience the same.
Any suggestions?
Your username breaks my heart. Don't ask why. :(
IMO you should discuss marriage issues with her at least 2 years before she is due to get married. I'm a good five years away yet people keep hassling me about it. :S
But do whatever you think is best for her. Ie, is she's sensitive don't go in too deep. :)
heaven2002
04-07-07, 09:24 PM
yes you shud tell her everything she needs to know but dont scare her with negative stuff
Teach your daughter the things your yearned to learn of in hindsight. Give her what you lacked and what you wanted (in terms of knowledge).
Finally, let her become her own woman.
teach her what tho? cooking? :smack:
Lambo5688
04-07-07, 10:27 PM
Who said muslim mothers are not to talk about marriage with their daughters?
K h a l i l
04-07-07, 10:27 PM
teach her what tho? cooking? :smack:
nope!!!.. EATING.. with her mouth closed..
nope!!!.. EATING.. with her mouth closed..
whats THAT got to do with marriage???!
K h a l i l
04-07-07, 10:29 PM
whats THAT got to do with marriage???!
I dunno.. um.. good manners usually get you quite far.. you dont wanna have a disgusting husband/wife do you?
I dunno.. um.. good manners usually get you quite far.. you dont wanna have a disgusting husband/wife do you?
rightttt..:D
In few years my daughter will me of marriage age, I hope we can find a good husband for her. We Muslims are not supposed to talk about it. But I am wondering if I should tell her anything about marriage and marital duties, etc. When I got married I was very innocent and all my mother told be before marriage was not to say no to my husband for anything. Though he is very nice man, it was quite an experience for me. I would not want her to experience the same.
Any suggestions?
u must tell her as much as u can about how she should be as a wife, daughter in law, and future mother as well inshallah.
And give her thorough sex ed a few days b4 her marriage to brother (i wouldnt personally advise anytime b4 that) so she knows what to expect.
.: Rashid :.
04-07-07, 11:34 PM
oh God I would hate that...imagine the embarassment and the awkwardness :eek: :rubeyes:
-Rashid
oh God I would hate that...imagine the embarassment and the awkwardness :eek: :rubeyes:
-Rashid
of what?
if u mean the sex ed then yes it would be embarrassing but it needs to be done, who else would tell them?
if we can educate our children about matters then we should, maybe then they wouldnt go of the rails becos their parents aere to afraid to talk to them or have a "find out for yourself" attitude.
$HugoBoss$
04-07-07, 11:47 PM
of what?
if u mean the sex ed then yes it would be embarrassing but it needs to be done, who else would tell them?
if we can educate our children about matters then we should, maybe then they wouldnt go of the rails becos their parents aere to afraid to talk to them or have a "find out for yourself" attitude.
Some people are very shy though, desi parents will never bring that up they expect you to have that knowledge already. Cmon think about it in this day of age everyone knows whats going on, the do's and don'ts. I'd rather gain that knowledge from the internet than bring it up with my parents, it's just to weird.
Parents aren't the only resource.......
Some people are very shy though, desi parents will never bring that up they expect you to have that knowledge already. Cmon think about it in this day of age everyone knows whats going on, the do's and don'ts. I'd rather gain that knowledge from the internet than bring it up with my parents, it's just to weird.
Parents aren't the only resource.......
yeh i understand what your saying akhi but desi parents or not, it is still wrong imo that they dont educate their kids jus becos they are "shy" :rolleyes: - they shouldnt have kids if they cant educate them .Kids get onto allsorts i.e. drugs cos the parents are to "scared" to talk to them . Its wrong.
K h a l i l
04-07-07, 11:51 PM
of what?
if u mean the sex ed then yes it would be embarrassing but it needs to be done, who else would tell them?
if we can educate our children about matters then we should, maybe then they wouldnt go of the rails becos their parents aere to afraid to talk to them or have a "find out for yourself" attitude.
God.. the sex ed in my primary school was SCARY!!! My teacher just randomly turned on some video.. Naked teenagers i seem to remember.. I just hid my face and closed my ears.. I was so shocked!! ( im so innocent)..
I think the society nowadays take away the responsibility of parents.. You learn so much from people, it leaves little for parents to explain.. Maybe not so much for Muslim females..
God.. the sex ed in my primary school was SCARY!!! My teacher just randomly turned on some video.. Naked teenagers i seem to remember.. I just hid my face and closed my ears.. I was so shocked!! ( im so innocent)..
I think the society nowadays take away the responsibility of parents.. You learn so much from people, it leaves little for parents to explain.. Maybe not so much for Muslim females..
dont get me started on schools ....
parents need to get to their kids b4 evryone else does. Allahu Alim
K h a l i l
04-07-07, 11:54 PM
dont get me started on schools ....
parents need to get to their kids b4 evryone else does. Allahu Alim
yeah.. i agree.. and i never told my mum.. coz i was too embarrassed.
But everyone in the class was laughing and joking.. and i was thinking.. "how can you laugh at this.. its horrible?"
Btw.. obviously wasnt a muslim school..
yeah.. i agree.. and i never told my mum.. coz i was too embarrassed.
But everyone in the class was laughing and joking.. and i was thinking.. "how can you laugh at this.. its horrible?"
Btw.. obviously wasnt a muslim school..
yes kids are not easy to bring, when u have them u become
Parent/Private Investigator , u gotta watch them for the rest of their lives to make sure they stay on the right path inshallah (not just till they are 18yrs old)
$HugoBoss$
04-07-07, 11:57 PM
yeh i understand what your saying akhi but desi parents or not, it is still wrong imo that they dont educate their kids jus becos they are "shy" :rolleyes: - they shouldnt have kids if they cant educate them .Kids get onto allsorts i.e. drugs cos the parents are to "scared" to talk to them . Its wrong.
Educating your kids is good but just think about it for a second who doesn't know what sex is???? Who doesn't know what happens after marriage???? It's common sense unless your a very innocent child from the village or something. You get sex education at school, the only thing i would tell my children is to practice safe sex, thats about it.
souljaa
04-07-07, 11:58 PM
Educating your kids is good but just think about it for a second who doesn't know what sex is???? Who doesn't know what happens after marriage???? It's common sense unless your a very innocent child from the village or something. You get sex education at school, the only thing i would tell my children is to practice safe sex, thats about it.
Do you mean before they're married? :rubeyes:
Educating your kids is good but just think about it for a second who doesn't know what sex is???? Who doesn't know what happens after marriage???? It's common sense unless your a very innocent child from the village or something. You get sex education at school, the only thing i would tell my children is to practice safe sex, thats about it.
i didnt get your last statement akhi, what do u mean u will tell them to practice "safe sex" we talking b4 or after marriage,cos after marriage they will be with their wife/husband so whats the "dangers" of that :rubeyes:
alot of kids also dont know akhi, and parents cant just make this assumption that "their child knows everything" just to get out of their responisibilities.
K h a l i l
05-07-07, 12:04 AM
Educating your kids is good but just think about it for a second who doesn't know what sex is???? Who doesn't know what happens after marriage???? It's common sense unless your a very innocent child from the village or something. You get sex education at school, the only thing i would tell my children is to practice safe sex, thats about it.
I'll assume you're talking about after marriage... This is the whole problem.. you've got to educate them abut what is "safe" and what is not..
Amellia
05-07-07, 12:09 AM
This is what you Must tell your daughter
Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:
‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.
‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.
‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.
‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.
‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
‘The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.
‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.
‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”
$HugoBoss$
05-07-07, 12:09 AM
i didnt get your last statement akhi, what do u mean u will tell them to practice "safe sex" we talking b4 or after marriage,cos after marriage they will be with their wife/husband so whats the "dangers" of that :rubeyes:
alot of kids also dont know akhi, and parents cant just make this assumption that "their child knows everything" just to get out of their responisibilities.
I would expect them to practice safe sex but would just give them a reminder before thats all. Thats sad if a lot of kids don't know but sure why can't the couple discuss this???? Do parents really really need to jump in????? I mean not like there's a problem with that or anything, you can't take someone's shyness away from them. If the parents are open with their kids, than go ahead but if not than you have to find other alternatives.
Abu Nuh AMW
05-07-07, 12:13 AM
God.. the sex ed in my primary school was SCARY!!! My teacher just randomly turned on some video.. Naked teenagers i seem to remember.. I just hid my face and closed my ears.. I was so shocked!! ( im so innocent)..
LOL i remember when they showed us some videos was bout 11 at the time. I burst out laughing and started taking the mick and the teacher sent me outta the classroom :(
I would expect them to practice safe sex but would just give them a reminder before thats all. Thats sad if a lot of kids don't know but sure why can't the couple discuss this???? Do parents really really need to jump in????? I mean not like there's a problem with that or anything, you can't take someone's shyness away from them. If the parents are open with their kids, than go ahead but if not than you have to find other alternatives.
r u talking about before marriage??? cuz thats wat it sounds like :rubeyes:
$HugoBoss$
05-07-07, 12:40 AM
r u talking about before marriage??? cuz thats wat it sounds like :rubeyes:
Gucci your just 2 smart :D
Gucci your just 2 smart :D
thanx! :up:
Mmmm i think just about every1'z had sex education, spesh if ur living in the Uk, i kinda agree with with boss, its not sumthing ur gonna want to bring up with ur parents now is it? Still, its very important to talk about it with ur children-parents.
Mmmm i think just about every1'z had sex education, spesh if ur living in the Uk, i kinda agree with with boss, its not sumthing ur gonna want to bring up with ur parents now is it? Still, its very important to talk about it with ur children-parents.
why should the children have to bring it up? its the parents responsibility to educate the children.
why should the children have to bring it up? its the parents responsibility to educate the children.
mmmm i agree with you, but umm how many parents actually do that?
Alhamdullilah im really lucky that i have a mum i am so open with. She is more like my best friend than a mum. I can ask her almost anything if i really wanted to. As far as talking about the responsibilities as a wife and how i should treat my husband etc,.. thats all been talked about and its something you witness and see as you grow up (inshaAllah)> As far as the sex ed goes.. i dont see why it shoudl be a "shy" or "embarassing" topic to talk about with your parents. If they cant talk to you about it.. who can? Im not saying dont have haya when discussing the topic and sometimes its far easier talking to an older sibling (if you have any)! rather than a parent.. but it shouldnt be something you should shy away from or feel you can ask about.
I guess it does depend on your relationship but aslong as its explained in the right way it should be fine. Asian parents particular see too many topics as taboo.. they brush them under the carpet as though they dont exist.. which is why we then get problems like youth into drugs/premarital affiars etc.
mmmm i agree with you, but umm how many parents actually do that?
not alot unfortunately, some are still acting like teenagers and busy gettign embaraassed and shy about talking about:rolleyes:
and when their dtr goes and gets pregnant outside marriage or teh son gets a girl pregnant before marriages, they put all teh blame on the kids wheras if they had sat them down and explained islam's stance on sex stuff then maybe it could have been avoided.
teach her what tho? cooking? :smack:
:smack:
MOST IMPORTANT THING
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I think the most important thing it would be to explain how are thinking the men.
ya-rehman
05-07-07, 02:37 PM
...
Na'eemah
05-07-07, 04:40 PM
:wswrwb:
If you are shy to tell her, then buy her a book on Islam and Marriage - one that talks about the woman's role.
The Ideal Muslimah is a good one :up: as it contains sections on marriage, family, neighbors, worship all in one so :insha: it will benefit her in many oher ways too.
http://www.islambasics.com/view.php?bkID=104 << :O she can read it here!! No need to buy it :D
not to say no to my husband for anything.
Even if he's wrong?
I think the most important thing it would be to explain how are thinking the men.
or how no thinking they /okay some are :smack:
Tahiyah
05-07-07, 07:23 PM
i think we should start teaching our daughters from a young age. teach them their obligations to Allah, to obey Allah first. teach them about marriage in Islam and the role of wife and husband, mother and father.
most importantly teach them their rights! teach them common sense and not to take crap from anyone. teach them to not oppress themselves or allow anyone else to oppress them. teach them to stand on their own two feet in case they get in a situation where they have no one to depend on but their own self.
teach them to stand up for what is right and that Allah is always there, just a prayer away..:up:
muslim women are the most beautiful gem on the planet, they deserve to be treated as such
i think we should start teaching our daughters from a young age. teach them their obligations to Allah, to obey Allah first. teach them about marriage in Islam and the role of wife and husband, mother and father.
most importantly teach them their rights! teach them common sense and not to take crap from anyone. teach them to not oppress themselves or allow anyone else to oppress them. teach them to stand on their own two feet in case they get in a situation where they have no one to depend on but their own self.
teach them to stand up for what is right and that Allah is always there, just a prayer away..:up:
muslim women are the most beautiful gem on the planet, they deserve to be treated as such
mashallah, beautifully put sis and the same for sons.
sunny_skies
05-07-07, 09:24 PM
In few years my daughter will me of marriage age, I hope we can find a good husband for her. We Muslims are not supposed to talk about it. But I am wondering if I should tell her anything about marriage and marital duties, etc. When I got married I was very innocent and all my mother told be before marriage was not to say no to my husband for anything. Though he is very nice man, it was quite an experience for me. I would not want her to experience the same.
Any suggestions?
Sis, I was very surprised to read your post. We Muslims ARE supposed to talk about it, where else is the best place for your daughter to learn about these things other than from her own mother??
No offence but not to tell your daughter anything, not to educate her and tell her the truth and to teach her not to say no for anything, these are all CULTURAL traits. I know of poor girls who were subjected to violent abuse from their husbands very early on in their marriages, they just took it all and cried themselves to sleep every night because they were taught never to say 'no'. As Muslims it is our obligation to bring up our daughters to be strong Muslim women with a sense of identity, knowing that Islam protects all their rights.
It is better for you to be embarassed whilst educationg your daughter about these matters than to not tell her anything and let her walk blindly into a marriage.
*hayat*
05-07-07, 10:13 PM
I think its really important you start to teach now not few days before she gats married because at that time she would have other feelings and thoughts enough to make her confused or worried.
also teaching needs to happen over time and begin at a young age for children, you cant just sit on one day and teach her something, at young its better as the kids then learn from the parents more than learning outside and also slowly start to feel less shy and feel they can talk or turn to their parents and ask questions,
salam
Chained_Water
05-07-07, 10:15 PM
In few years my daughter will me of marriage age, I hope we can find a good husband for her. We Muslims are not supposed to talk about it. But I am wondering if I should tell her anything about marriage and marital duties, etc. When I got married I was very innocent and all my mother told be before marriage was not to say no to my husband for anything. Though he is very nice man, it was quite an experience for me. I would not want her to experience the same.
Any suggestions?
It is really REALLY important that you talk to her. A mothers advice is priceless and her help and guidance is much needed. You would be doing a disservice to your daughter if you didn't talk to her and advise her.
Definately do so, about her rights and responsibilities.. and also the practical consideration she should make and things she should think about before deciding to marry someone.
Al Qadr
06-07-07, 11:20 AM
I would expect them to practice safe sex but would just give them a reminder before thats all. Thats sad if a lot of kids don't know but sure why can't the couple discuss this???? Do parents really really need to jump in????? I mean not like there's a problem with that or anything, you can't take someone's shyness away from them. If the parents are open with their kids, than go ahead but if not than you have to find other alternatives.
:eek3: before marriage?!?! I'm asking because after marriage they can do more or less what they want, so safe sex wouldnt really matter, unless they wanted to wait a yr or something.
Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd:
The Prophet said :saw: "Whoever guarantees me (the chastity of) what is between his legs (i.e. his private parts), and what is between his jaws (i.e., his tongue), I guarantee him Paradise."
LOL i remember when they showed us some videos was bout 11 at the time. I burst out laughing and started taking the mick and the teacher sent me outta the classroom :(
:smack:
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