how to tell parents about marriage and Islam

[Emani]

Does anyone have any advice to give me? I got married 4 days ago, and I am going home to tell my father that I got married, as he is not aware of it. Also, he will learn that I am a Muslim. I believe he suspected that I'd reverted (due to the fact that I refuse to eat pork, stopped attending church with my parents, etc.) but the marriage will be a shock to him, I think.

I am trying to decide what to say and how to say it. Any advice? I am close with my family, so I know that it will be okay, alhumdulilla, eventually. But I am just nervous becuase I think he will be angry at first, and that is what I am afraid of.

Should I do it over the phone and then go home to see him? Should I discuss Islam with him so he understands it more? Should I write a letter? Do it face-to-face? If you were me, what would you do?

[`asiya]

salamu alaikum ukhti, wow thats a bombshell to drop on him all at once sis.. im not actually sure how i would handle that, but its definately something i would do in person, it seems u are distanced from him already and as he your father he has the right to good company and kind treatment from you, maybe just spend more time with him getting to know him, and him u as a muslim woman, and take it from there, i think he may appreciate meeting ur husband too, it seems only right that they should meet and ur husband can assure him that he will care for u well and insha Allah calm any worries and concerns he may have.

[Cristiana]

Salam aleykum,

I am in the same situation ukhti, well, almost. My parents know that I married (islamically) a muslim man, but still I haven't told thim I converted... and it was 7 months ago...:o

I cannot give you any advice but I can give you my support and keep you in my du'a:)

May Allah make it easy for you and help all of us in the relationship with our non-muslim families, Ameen! :inlove:

[Emani]

Thank you 'asiya and cristiana. My father and I actually ARE close, and they do know my now husband. I talk to my dad on the phone usually twice a week, and I respect him very much. That's why I'm worried about his reaction, because I've always been worried about disappointing him and I'm afraid that's what he will think because he doesn't understand.

I'm trying to think of what advice I would give to myself. Yes, I think face-to-face is probably best, I just hope it doesn't have to ruin my trip home!

Can I ask you 'asiya and cristiana, and anyone else, what is the most important thing to do after you revert to Islam, after declaring shahada? I mean, what do you think is the best or most important thing to do, whether it be prayers or visiting the masjid, or reading the Qur'an? What can help strengthen my faith?

I feel that I am weak in my faith, simply because I worry about too many things of this world without thinking of Allah first and putting Allah first. I struggle with this alot. I worry about what people think of me too much, and this makes me sad because I feel that to really truly believe in Allah, then you put EVERYTHING behind Allah, Allah comes first always. That's why I feel my faith is weak.

My husband says that it's okay to struggle because that is what Islam is, struggling to submit your will to God. He said that the devil is closest to you at times like this because the devil knows you are struggling and he tries to whisper in your ear to pull you in teh wrong directions. He said that the devil doesn't have to bother so much being around the people who already do bad and who easily do bad things, they are so far gone that he doesn't have ot put much work into them.

But for the people who are in jihad and struggling within themselves, then the devil will work harder on those people to get them to not do good. I picture myself like I am at a fork in a road, and before the fork there was just one path, and the devil didn't really have to bother me much because he knew that I was doing wrong, except for every once in a while he would just softly say something and I'd respond so easily. But now that I'm at this fork in this road, where I am trying to take the good path, now he is really working hard to get in my ear and tell me to not pray and telling me that everyone at the masjid will just laugh at you, or telling me that I can't do it, that it's all too hard. Making me fearful to tell my dad about my marriage and my reversion to Islam. Making me scared of what my sisters, family, friends will think.

My husband said that once you get past that fork, and once you take one step onto the right path, then it will get harder and harder for the devil to tempt you, and each step forward you take, Allah will be closer and closer to you.

I remember someone telling me a saying, something about how the more steps you take to God, the easier and quicker God will come towards you. So the more steps you take, the more easy it is to do good.

Does anyone have any thoughts about these things? Has anyone felt these things before?

[white muslim]

Does anyone have any advice to give me? I got married 4 days ago, and I am going home to tell my father that I got married, as he is not aware of it. Also, he will learn that I am a Muslim. I believe he suspected that I'd reverted (due to the fact that I refuse to eat pork, stopped attending church with my parents, etc.) but the marriage will be a shock to him, I think.

I am trying to decide what to say and how to say it. Any advice? I am close with my family, so I know that it will be okay, alhumdulilla, eventually. But I am just nervous becuase I think he will be angry at first, and that is what I am afraid of.

Should I do it over the phone and then go home to see him? Should I discuss Islam with him so he understands it more? Should I write a letter? Do it face-to-face? If you were me, what would you do?

a salaam alia kum
i am a revert to islam of about 3 years!! mashaallah, i was so nervous when i told my parents i had converted, but like you i think they new already, i gave my parents books to read, which i think helped them understand it a bit more, but i am sure your dad would want his daughter to be happy, and just explaine that islam gives you happiness and peace, it will be scary but allah is watching over you and he will give you strenght! and definately do it face to face, im sure he would appreciate that in the end. hope this helps.

[Emani]

Thank you so much, I am definetly going to do it face-to-face now, and I feel alot stronger after hearing from the members on this website. Just yesterday I was writing in my journal and saying that I felt like I was the only one going through this, and now today, I feel like there are others like me who have had this experience of telling their parents.

I appreciate all your kind words. I finally slept soundly today~!

Signed, Emani

may Allah have mercy on us all.

[tux08902]

Since you two are close, your father should understand. You should do it face to face. With all the controversy around Islam these days, I can understand why your father might be a little shocked, but you can alleviate his concerns by giving him books to read. Chances are that most of the stuff that the news and lobbies spread about Islam is all garbage anyway, a bunch of lies.

InshAllah it'll all be fine sis.

[white muslim]

please let us know how you get on, will be thinking of you, inshaallah all will be well:up:

[Cristiana]

Salam aleykum sis,


I was procrastinating taking my shahada because - although I knew I believed - I knew I wasn't gonna be able to do everything a muslim must do from the start, or to tell my parents right away, or observe hijab right away etc...

...but a very wise sister told me that the most important thing at this early stage of my growth in Islam is to remember that eveytime I think "I'm not good enough, I'm a terrible muslim" etc... that's shytan.
(Right after I said shahada, Alhamdulillah!).

This applies also later on.
For weeks I tormented myself because I wanted to wera hijab, I knew Allah required it but I couldn't understand what was stopping me and I really hated myself because I should have been able to do it, as it was for Allah. My husband told me that, as long as I kept it in my mind as an objective to achieve, kept learning about it and didn't just dismiss it as too difficult, the time would come:) This is jihad with oneself I guess...

Don't worry about being inadequate, that's the shytan. Just do your best and always be honest to yourself:) insha'Allah

The first thing I immediately did as i reverted?... well, (besides clearing my fridge) that must be Salat. I was told that an efficient way to include Salat in your routine was to start with just one, and make sure to pray it regularly everyday. But I decided to rey to offer them all from the start.
That was a very good idea because there's nothing to learn the surahs/du'as/order of wudu/movements in Salah like repeating them all the time:inlove: :up:

Allah loves you because you are a muslim alhamdulillah:inlove: May he increase you in knowledge and always keep you and all of us guided. Ameen!

What is the first thing you concentrated on?

Let us know how things go insha'Allah all will be fine:up:

[Emani]

To Cristiana and all others:

Well, I finally did it. I told my parents (and all of my sisters) about my reversion to Islam, and also about how I got married last week. They were hurt. My dad felt most upset because I didn't include them in the marriage ceremony. At one point we all just stood there in silence for almost 4 minutes. He said that he didn't know what to say, so he wasn't going to say anything at all. I felt really bad. If I would have told them before I got married, then this all would have been easier. My sisters were upset also. One of them said that she felt like she didn't know me anymore. Another one said that she was so happy for me and proud of me, and she wanted to know ALL about Islam. She told me everything would be alright and the family would come around to understand.

I was glad that Allah gave me the strength to get through this. I don't know why Allah is so good to me but I am grateful. It was difficult, but it is better now that everyone knows the truth, and we can hopefully begin to dialogue about it.

Cristiana- When you are ready, I encourage you to talk to your family about your reversion to Islam. It feels better becuase I feel like now my family knows me for who I really am, and that I can be free around them, even though it will be hard at first, and they will probably still not like it much.

Thank you to all of you for your help and support. Just knowing that I was not the only one to go through these struggles and emotions has been a blessing to me.

[Emani]

Cristiana-

In response to your post, you said you struggled at first, and that the way you told yourself you are not a good muslim and not good enough, that that is shaytan. That is so true and I have been told that, too. Shaytan can take hold of me so strongly sometimes and I hate that. I have to tell myself that it is shaytan, that the devil is getting to me and I have to fight it. It happens every day. I want to pray so that I can get closer to God and have more strength to fight.

Patience and tolerance, this is what I have to remember...I want to be patient with myself, too, and I pray that Allah give me enough time to grow and become the best that I can be. You said just "do your best and be honest with yourself."

After my reversion, the first thing I did was read the Qur'an, and find out all the information I could find. I just read and read and read, and I am still reading. Now I made a burned CD of recitations of the Qur'an, and I have started to listen to lectures online. The next step I want to take is to go to the masjid and talk to a sister in person. And insha'allah that will give me the strength to pray and wear hijab. When I get to that point, I will be so happy!

[theikhlaas]

Cristiana-

In response to your post, you said you struggled at first, and that the way you told yourself you are not a good muslim and not good enough, that that is shaytan. That is so true and I have been told that, too. Shaytan can take hold of me so strongly sometimes and I hate that. I have to tell myself that it is shaytan, that the devil is getting to me and I have to fight it. It happens every day. I want to pray so that I can get closer to God and have more strength to fight.

Patience and tolerance, this is what I have to remember...I want to be patient with myself, too, and I pray that Allah give me enough time to grow and become the best that I can be. You said just "do your best and be honest with yourself."

After my reversion, the first thing I did was read the Qur'an, and find out all the information I could find. I just read and read and read, and I am still reading. Now I made a burned CD of recitations of the Qur'an, and I have started to listen to lectures online. The next step I want to take is to go to the masjid and talk to a sister in person. And insha'allah that will give me the strength to pray and wear hijab. When I get to that point, I will be so happy!


Assaalmu Alaykum,

could the above member send us an email at our website www.theikhlaas.com as we want to know your full story of how you came to Islam etc. We are launching a small project relating to all this and are trying to find people who have beautiful stories to tell.

Please use the contact form on our site.

Wassalam.

[Cristiana]

To Cristiana and all others:

Well, I finally did it. I told my parents (and all of my sisters) about my reversion to Islam, and also about how I got married last week. They were hurt. My dad felt most upset because I didn't include them in the marriage ceremony. At one point we all just stood there in silence for almost 4 minutes. He said that he didn't know what to say, so he wasn't going to say anything at all. I felt really bad. If I would have told them before I got married, then this all would have been easier. My sisters were upset also. One of them said that she felt like she didn't know me anymore. Another one said that she was so happy for me and proud of me, and she wanted to know ALL about Islam. She told me everything would be alright and the family would come around to understand.

I was glad that Allah gave me the strength to get through this. I don't know why Allah is so good to me but I am grateful. It was difficult, but it is better now that everyone knows the truth, and we can hopefully begin to dialogue about it.

Cristiana- When you are ready, I encourage you to talk to your family about your reversion to Islam. It feels better becuase I feel like now my family knows me for who I really am, and that I can be free around them, even though it will be hard at first, and they will probably still not like it much.

Thank you to all of you for your help and support. Just knowing that I was not the only one to go through these struggles and emotions has been a blessing to me.

Masha'Allah for your sister!

And MASHA'ALLAH for your courage, what you did is great alhamdulillah :up:

I really want to tell them... I hate omitting the truth and now it feels like I'm trying to hide an elephant...:( ... and I certainly don't want to hide my Islam...

I am SO PROUD of being a muslim! and i think only after the cat is out of the bag my dawah to the people back home can really start insha'Allah...

,...soon, insha'Allah :)

[tux08902]

MashAllah sis. I'm happy for you.

[Emani]

A quick overview and update: I am a revert to Islam who just informed my Catholic family that I am a.) a muslim, and b.) married. They were less than happy about it. Anyway, just wanted to add that I found out my sisters (the ones who were mad about it) called my parents to discuss it, and they are furious. I am going to just give them some time to cool off before I talk to them, and my mom said they are only upset "out of their love" for me. All of my sisters are close and I hope I didn't ruin our relationship because of this. I know it is probably the fact that I didnt' include them in the marriage that they are most mad at. But I think my one sister is going to be angry with me about Islam, too.

I am grateful to God for granting me with such a wonderful family who cares about me so much. I know that all I need to do is just pray about this and everything will not be so heavy on my shoulders. God is Great.

[white muslim]

mashaallah! well done for telling them, it must of been a great shock for them, and inshaallah they will learn to live with it soon, they just have to realise it is wat makes u happy, and was meant to be! JUST GIVE THEM A BIT OF TIME. my parents were none to pleased wen they found out i had reverted, they just dont talk about it now, i think it is there way of getting on with things, i still have not told them i am married, but they prob realised as we have a child together! but they would prob feel the same as your parents, its just hard to bring it up now " oh yeah mum and dad been married for 3 just forgot to mention it" easier just to keep it the way things are, but well done emani, you told them everything which is a great weight off your shoulders, allah must be proud, and may he grant you peace now to carry on with your learning of islam! :up:

[Emani]

mashaallah! well done for telling them, it must of been a great shock for them, and inshaallah they will learn to live with it soon, they just have to realise it is wat makes u happy, and was meant to be! JUST GIVE THEM A BIT OF TIME. my parents were none to pleased wen they found out i had reverted, they just dont talk about it now, i think it is there way of getting on with things, i still have not told them i am married, but they prob realised as we have a child together! but they would prob feel the same as your parents, its just hard to bring it up now " oh yeah mum and dad been married for 3 just forgot to mention it" easier just to keep it the way things are, but well done emani, you told them everything which is a great weight off your shoulders, allah must be proud, and may he grant you peace now to carry on with your learning of islam! :up:

Wow, thank you so much. When I read your last few lines of this post, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. I never thought much of it, but it really made me feel good to hear you say all of those nice things, that Allah must be proud and that insha'allah Allah will grant me peace to carry on with Islam....that is what I was striving for, is to now better my faith after getting through this struggle. Thoughtful comments like yours are the reason i want to go to teh masjids now, because I know that being around other Muslims is what I need. That support and encouragement is a gift from God. Thank you again...

[white muslim]

your welcome! how are things with the family now? have the come round to your way of thinking yet? inshallah all is well