View Full Version : please give me some advice
candyvillanueva
29-06-07, 03:28 PM
i have a muslim bf but he's already married & also have 2 children. i met him only thru internet & we fell inlove, he asked me to be his 2nd wife but her wife did'nt agree, she didnt want her husband to have a 2nd wife. But my bf insist that he will go here in our place & his decission is final he will marry me & he told me that someday his wife will accept it. I really love this guy & i am willing to be his 2nd wife but im really confused what the right thing to do. im starting studying islam & i want to convert to islam. What should i do? please someone help me...:( :(
1) :rubeyes:u met the guy thru the net? :eek3:
2) he was in a realtionship with you while haveing a wife and 2 kidz! :eek3:
Just a Q.but what does this say about the guy himself? If he culd be unfaithful 2 his wife, can you trust him?
i have a muslim bf but he's already married & also have 2 children. i met him only thru internet & we fell inlove, he asked me to be his 2nd wife but her wife did'nt agree, she didnt want her husband to have a 2nd wife. But my bf insist that he will go here in our place & his decission is final he will marry me & he told me that someday his wife will accept it. I really love this guy & i am willing to be his 2nd wife but im really confused what the right thing to do. im starting studying islam & i want to convert to islam. What should i do? please someone help me...:( :(
In Islam a woman is fulled protected and has many rights, when we go about seeking marriage, we do not have boyfreind and girlfreind type relationships. what this man has done is not correct, a woman must have a gaurdian called a walli, and he will make sure that the man who wants to marry you, is a decent, honest and genuine muslim who behaves in accordance with the teachings of Islam. It is a protection for you, as there are conditions to an Islamic marriage, and you must be fully educated about the rights of a husband and wife in an Islamic marriage.
my advice to you is to go to your local masjid, i see u are in the phillipines so there are many masjid there insha Allah, and ask to speak to the imam about Islam, he will be able to put you in touch with some muslim women, who will help u to understand about Islam, and what islamic marriage entails.
In the meantime i would tell this man that you need more time to educate yourself about Islam, and tell him you need to get a gaurdian, a walli to speak to him on your behalf, it is your right as a woman to be protected from any harm that unscrupulous men can do, you can ask the imam at the masjid advice about this too insha Allah :up:
may Allah guide u amin :)
http://www.islam-guide.com/
http://www.islam-guide.com/frm-ch3-13.htm
I see you are extremely distressed, you sound overwhelmed, maybe? My advice to you would be to take some time away from speaking with your boyfriend, giving yourself time to digest what is happening. Do you feel comfortable that your boyfriend has a marriage already established? Do you feel his other wife could ever truly accept you in the family? I have just reverted to Islam, and it took me a long time to realize what I was learning. Take time with yourself, read the Qur'an, if you don't have a copy, then you can get one from a library or you can order one online. Take time to think about this decision before you rush into anything. Find someone who you trust the most in your life, someone you look up to, someone close to you, and please share this situation with them and ask them for guidance. They will be able to help you more than me or any other poster on this thread. This is an important, life-long decision that I think you should pray about.... Insha'allah Allah will help you find your path.
candyvillanueva-
I agree with 'asiya whole-heartedly. It would help you to talk to a muslim sister in your area, try calling the masjid, they will help you find someone who can offer you some advice. The wali is important. It's like having an "older brother"-type figure who can look out for your best interests, as sometimes that person can think more clearly than one who is overwhelmed with romantic feelings for another.
And 'asiya said that it is not okay to have boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships. This is very important in Islam. Keep reading and learning more and you will understand. Good luck on your journey, candy.
From now on, you should insist that there is no physical contact between you and him until you get married. I don't know how serious he is but some men can use the promise of marriage as a lure to do inappropriate things with other women. Even if he is serious at the moment, he's made no firm commitment and could back out at any time, especially if his first wife threatens divorce and/or threatens to take the kids away (that sort of thing can happen).
I think it's a great thing that you're considering converting to Islam mashallah and this forum has many converts who can share their experiences with you and assist you with that transition if you like. Just be sure that you want to become Muslim for the right reasons and learn about your rights as a Muslim woman before you get married as some men take advantage of a converts lack of knowledge to do unfair things.
As a second wife, where would he want you to live after marriage? If he cannot afford a second property then you'd be in for a nightmare living under the same roof with the first wife who doesn't accept you and certainly wouldn't allow their kids to accept you either. Don't rush into things, you obviously have a lot of things to consider. Love does NOT conquer everything so don't let that blind you from the ground realities.
Cristiana
29-06-07, 06:55 PM
Hi,
The sisters here gave you very good advice on how a muslim man goes about finding a wife etc..
So I'll just BEG you not to jump into something like this only because the guy is nice on the internet.
I could be a nice brother on the internet...
Please read about marriage in islam, so you can realize this guy doesn't exactly sound trustworthy...
May Allah guide you to His religion and increase your understanding of it :)
This is not new. I know of a similar case here. And it's just a dragging situation... of which I question about 2 things:-
1) Why can't the single lady go found another suitable man to marry to avoid such complications in her life?
2) Why can't the 1st wife accept the 2nd wife when it's permmissible in Islam.
Not mentioning what the muslim guy is doing...? So who's the right one here. None. Any compromise, maybe...
That's for all 3 of you to figure out. So no 2nd marriage for the time being.
Are so many men out ,its not use to complicate your life with a married man.
.: Anna :.
30-06-07, 03:35 PM
the fact that he took you as his girlffriend while he is married with two kids should send you the message that he is not trustworthy and is most likely a bad husband and NOT someone you would want to be with...
my advice is cut off contact with him completely and thank Allah that u had the chance 2 see what he is like before u ended up married to him :S
If he wanted to get a 2nd wife, this is not the way to go about it
sis_niqabi
01-07-07, 06:22 PM
salam
im going to be real frank here. if you want to convert to islam.i suggest you sort this drama out before becoming muslim. because you don't want to enter islam with with this drama and sin. what your bf did is one of the biggest sins in islam. in the quran adultry is punishable by stoning to death.that's how serious of a crime it is in islam
i would suggest you don't marry this man because if his wife is against it trust me she will not take it easy at all.she might even divorce him. and she'll probably accuse you of being a home wrecker.
and if you went off in secret to talk and be with you.what makes you think he won't do it again and look for a 3rd and 4th wife?
in islam a woman has to marry a man with good character. and the way your bf is acting is not an islamic manner or good manner at all.
shamson
01-07-07, 08:45 PM
salam
im going to be real frank here. if you want to convert to islam.i suggest you sort this drama out before becoming muslim. because you don't want to enter islam with with this drama and sin. what your bf did is one of the biggest sins in islam. in the quran adultry is punishable by stoning to death.that's how serious of a crime it is in islam
i would suggest you don't marry this man because if his wife is against it trust me she will not take it easy at all.she might even divorce him. and she'll probably accuse you of being a home wrecker.
and if you went off in secret to talk and be with you.what makes you think he won't do it again and look for a 3rd and 4th wife?
in islam a woman has to marry a man with good character. and the way your bf is acting is not an islamic manner or good manner at all.
Yep she is right:o
Please don't wreck other brothers marriages...same for the sisters. Use the appriporiate means and channels, Inshallah - Plenty of fish in the sea...;)
*hayat*
01-07-07, 09:39 PM
Hi,
The sisters here gave you very good advice on how a muslim man goes about finding a wife etc..
So I'll just BEG you not to jump into something like this only because the guy is nice on the internet.
I could be a nice brother on the internet...
Please read about marriage in islam, so you can realize this guy doesn't exactly sound trustworthy...
May Allah guide you to His religion and increase your understanding of it :)
agreed, he is sounding VERY NICE!! AND YOU ARE ATTRACTED! AND THATS IS NOT LOVE!! LOVE IS AFTER MARRAIGE AND YOU HAVE MET HIM ON NET
IF U MARRY HIM THINK ABOUT HIS POOR WIFE AND KIDS PLEASE,
IF U MARRY AND AFTER FEW YEARS HE MARRIES ANOTHER ONE THEN WHAT? AND ALSO YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL SECOND AS HE HAS KIDS WITH HER!!
HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN HIM FOR?
Peacenik
01-07-07, 09:45 PM
Well, this is new.
Interesting....
ur_yusra
01-07-07, 10:32 PM
Do not fall into his trap.
Get out of this mess as soon as you can.
new? lol. this has become more of a trend.
ur_yusra
01-07-07, 10:34 PM
new? lol. this has become more of a trend.
Pathetic isn't it..
Pathetic isn't it..
very. it would be nice to give em a taste of their own medicine.
candyvillanueva
02-07-07, 03:01 AM
thanks for your advice...:) it really helps
thanks for your advice...:) it really helps
you're most welcome, please do stick around cos there's much to learn in this forum and ask any questions... I'm sure the brothers and sisters here are most willing to help... :)
candyvillanueva
02-07-07, 11:14 AM
thanks
aisha2007
02-07-07, 01:37 PM
i have a muslim bf but he's already married & also have 2 children. i met him only thru internet & we fell inlove, he asked me to be his 2nd wife but her wife did'nt agree, she didnt want her husband to have a 2nd wife. But my bf insist that he will go here in our place & his decission is final he will marry me & he told me that someday his wife will accept it. I really love this guy & i am willing to be his 2nd wife but im really confused what the right thing to do. im starting studying islam & i want to convert to islam. What should i do? please someone help me...:( :(
I am a revert to Islam of 5 years Alhamdulillah and am stydying Islamic Studies as a degree. So my understanding is as follows (I'm sure the other sisters will pick me out if i am wrong):
Firstly this man should not have been looking for another wife without discussing it with his first wife. Poligamy is sunnah, however only under certain conditions. His wife and family must be aware of it, the community also, you are NOT a secret to be kept in a closet.
Secondly he must be able to treat you as equals, both have the same size house, spend the same money in both households, spend equal amout of time with his wives. So he spends three days and nights with the other wife, then three days and nights with you etc.
You cannot have a physical relationship with this man, and he, as a muslim, should not be even considering it with you!!! If I were you I would take some time out from this 'relationship', visit your local masjid, talk to other sisters, remember when you revert to Islam...you become like a new baby, your past sins are forgiven insha Allah...don't ruin it all by doing something haram (unlawful) as soon as you come into the religion. But there are so many good pious brothers out there who do not have a wife....don't you think that his wife is hurting in all of this? And his children? I would urge you to think long and hard, we welcome you to the religion Insha Allah, it is is a beautiful religion...just some members of it can let it down. Back down and take time out from him...reversion is something that will fill your head and your heart, not this man, and if he does love you, he will wait until you are ready to make a decision. Also...have you asked him the reason he wants a second wife?
Black_Flag
02-07-07, 01:39 PM
Well, this is new.
was just about 2 say..well that just smacked it...cherry on da cake!
theikhlaas
02-07-07, 01:55 PM
Assalamu Alaykum,
a wife should be chosen according to certain criteria in order to make it successful. Piety is of great importance but it does not seem as though there is any in this situation as the way the man has behaved was in fact incorrect. If you would like to come in to Islam then you will need to make an effort to understand its principals and not simply accept it blindly. Islam is though, offers a total way of life as you will find.
Have a look at this tool on the marriage topic if you wish...
http://www.theikhlaas.com/projects/marriage.php
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