Rebellious Children

[nami]

How do you stop your children from being rebellious towards you?

What I mean to say is, how do you get your children to respect you enough to listen to what you tell them to do.

For example, I was talking to my friend who has a 5 years old son who was being naughty. He told his son to stop being naughty and go and sit down over there until you have calmed down. The son did not listen.

Then my friend thought "ok, I will play your game", so he told his son that you can NOT sit down and you have to keep your hands up in the air the entire time.

The son listened to him...

Why?

Why did the son not listen to him when he was told to sit down (which would have been the less painful thing to do), but instead when the father told him to stand up and keep his hands in the air, the son did so...

I don't get it... :rubeyes:

[jus'me]

i was a rebellious kid, if i was told to do something i'd do the opposite just for sakes. :o

I think rebellious kids have a tendency to violate rules and disobey because they knw they are helpless but want to stay in control as much as possible...see like that kid refused to comply with the original command and did not go sit down thereby showd control (mission accomplished!)...he'd rather accept punishment than obey the command....

[nami]

i was a rebellious kid, if i was told to do something i'd do the opposite just for sakes. :o

I think rebellious kids have a tendency to violate rules and disobey because they knw they are helpless but want to stay in control as much as possible...see like that kid refused to comply with the original command and did not go sit down thereby showd control (mission accomplished!)...he'd rather accept punishment than obey the command....

so what's the solution, how do you get your kids to stop acting like that, and how do you get them to respect you enough to listen to your original requests.

[sunny_skies]

so what's the solution, how do you get your kids to stop acting like that, and how do you get them to respect you enough to listen to your original requests.


There is no hard and fast rule on dealing with children who won't listen, sometimes it's just a phase they are going through which they grow out of quickly. You have to try different tactics and see what will work. Often there are reasons for why children behave in a certain way.

It was the same when my three year old was having tantrums when she was two, I tried different things and nothing seemed to work. In the end she just grew out of it herself and stopped doing it one day!

This is why they say being a mum is the hardest job in the world :)

[Hawwaa]

so what's the solution, how do you get your kids to stop acting like that, and how do you get them to respect you enough to listen to your original requests.

try using reverse psychology...i use it on my siblings and its always works allahamduillah....

[nami]

try using reverse psychology...i use it on my siblings and its always works allahamduillah....

any examples?

[nami]

There is no hard and fast rule on dealing with children who won't listen, sometimes it's just a phase they are going through which they grow out of quickly. You have to try different tactics and see what will work. Often there are reasons for why children behave in a certain way.

It was the same when my three year old was having tantrums when she was two, I tried different things and nothing seemed to work. In the end she just grew out of it herself and stopped doing it one day!

This is why they say being a mum is the hardest job in the world :)

i'm sure that is very true.

[jus'me]

so what's the solution, how do you get your kids to stop acting like that, and how do you get them to respect you enough to listen to your original requests.


Me not even married!...but what i tend to do is build a type of freindly relationship with the little 'uns (neices n nephews)...like treats if theyr helpful at home...i delegate responsibilties out to them...lol..like i put one of them in charge to tell me if the other has been naughty, i knw this may sound odd but if you try treat them like you would an adult in terms of explaining y and not just ordering you'll find that they respond better... Also i use the guilt trip and pretend that theyv really hurt me if they'v done something wrong...:o

These techniques have worked so far so i must be doing something right!:D

[sunny_skies]

Me not even married!...but what i tend to do is build a type of freindly relationship with the little 'uns (neices n nephews)...like treats if theyr helpful at home...i delegate responsibilties out to them...lol..like i put one of them in charge to tell me if the other has been naughty, i knw this may sound odd but if you try treat them like you would an adult in terms of explaining y and not just ordering you'll find that they respond better... Also i use the guilt trip and pretend that theyv really hurt me if they'v done something wrong...:o

These techniques have worked so far so i must be doing something right!:D

True, but kids will always listen to other adults. They love winding up their own parents and testing our patience, Subhanallah! :)

[nami]

My friend said that he was always scared that if he did something wrong his parents would punish him (even though they never hit him), which stopped him from doing anything stupid. It seems that todays kids are not scared of their parents punishing them, instead kids will lash back...

why are todays kids different from kids in the past?

[MG]

My friend said that he was always scared that if he did something wrong his parents would punish him (even though they never hit him), which stopped him from doing anything stupid. It seems that todays kids are not scared of their parents punishing them, instead kids will lash back...

why are todays kids different from kids in the past?


these days the boys are just totally let loose by the paretns (cos they are boys) and the girls are brought up in such overlystrict conditions by some jaahil parents that when they get a whiff of a bit of a freedom they become rebellious

[nami]

these days the boys are just totally let loose by the paretns (cos they are boys) and the girls are brought up in such overlystrict conditions by some jaahil parents that when they get a whiff of a bit of a freedom they become rebellious

true but not always, i know some people who gave their son and daughter a little "freedom" because they thought that if they are overly stricked, both of them will rebel, but the son and daughter abused their freedom....

[MG]

true but not always, i know some people who gave their son and daughter a little "freedom" because they thought that if they are overly sticked both of them will rebel, but the son and daughter abused their freedom....

yes but how are these treated at home, are differtn "values" given to the boy and differnt ones to the girl?

i.e Some jaahil parents allow bros to have girlfriend and clamped down on the girl thats he cant have one (they both shouldnt be having b/f and g/f) , this is one example.

When distorted islamic valuies are instilled in the children from day 1 or no values at all, then u get the rebellious children who do not repsect their parents or just end up doing things behind their backs

[nami]

yes but how are these treated at home, are differtn "values" given to the boy and differnt ones to the girl?

i.e Some jaahil parents allow bros to have girlfriend and clamped down on the girl thats he cant have one (they both shouldnt be having b/f and g/f) , this is one example.

When distorted islamic valuies are instilled in the children from day 1 or no values at all, then u get the rebellious children who do not repsect their parents or just end up doing things behind their backs

these people i'm talking about gave their children a little freedom but did not allow them to have bf/gf. but that is exactly what they did, i.e. got themselves a bf/gf...

thats exactly what i wanted to know, why is it that "most" kids today do not respect their parents but kids in the previous generation where more likely to respect their parents.

what are "most" of todays parents doing wrong?

[MG]

these people i'm talking about gave their children a little freedom but did not allow them to have bf/gf. but that is exactly what they did, i.e. got themselves a bf/gf...

thats exactly what i wanted to know, why is it that "most" kids today do not respect their parents but kids in the previous generation where more likely to respect their parents.

what are "most" of todays parents doing wrong?

as i sed it boils down to what values have been instilled in them while they were growing up, some parents dont really do this wen their kids are younger and just EXPECT their kids to have all the values they want them to, when they grow up, also depends on paretns keeping an eye on who their children keep as friends as these play a very big part in moulding the child's character also.

Parenthood is HARD!!!!!:rubeyes:

[nami]

as i sed it boils down to what values have been instilled in them while they were growing up, some parents dont really do this wen their kids are younger and just EXPECT their kids to have all the values they want them to, when they grow up, also depends on paretns keeping an eye on who their children keep as friends as these play a very big part in moulding the child's character also.

Parenthood is HARD!!!!!:rubeyes:

i know, and im not a parent...

[MG]

i know, and im not a parent...

inshallah u will be soon and u know where to come for tips, seeing as we got a parenting section now :D

[nami]

inshallah u will be soon and u know where to come for tips, seeing as we got a parenting section now :D

insha'allah. don't know about soon though...

[dhakiyya]

How do you stop your children from being rebellious towards you?

What I mean to say is, how do you get your children to respect you enough to listen to what you tell them to do.

For example, I was talking to my friend who has a 5 years old son who was being naughty. He told his son to stop being naughty and go and sit down over there until you have calmed down. The son did not listen.

Then my friend thought "ok, I will play your game", so he told his son that you can NOT sit down and you have to keep your hands up in the air the entire time.

The son listened to him...

Why?

Why did the son not listen to him when he was told to sit down (which would have been the less painful thing to do), but instead when the father told him to stand up and keep his hands in the air, the son did so...

I don't get it... :rubeyes:


The five year old was clever enough to know that his father was using reverse logic on him. Thats pretty good for a five year old.

A few suggestions:

1. This kid needs very firm discipline and it must be consistent. Supernanny and House of Tiny Tearaways (tv programmes about dealing with rebellious little kids) have excellent advice on how to be firm and consistent when disciplining kids, and lots of other good advice too. Also advice on disciplining children is on other parts of this forum. Some kids misbehave simply because their parents are too soft with them. Kids need firmly enforced, age appropriate boundaries, and age appropriate warnings and punishments for crossing the boundaries.

2. Body language and tone of voice is also very important. When you say no, your body language and tone of voice must also say no. If you say no, but your body language and/or tone of voice says "maybe" or "daddy doesn't mean it" or "daddy's having fun and playing a game" - the kid will not listen.

3. Intelligent kids (this kid sounds very intelligent) need lots of stimulation and opportuinites to play and learn. Take them on outings, does not have to be expensive, just make it varied. They need time to play outside - if you don't have a garden take them to the park for an hour or two maybe. They need books and toys at home that are appropriate for their age and their ability (a bright five year old may be better suited to books/toys for the average six year old - but be aware that some ages on toys are for safety not for development level, if it says not suitable for under threes, usually thats because there are parts that could choke a child) - intelligent kids sometimes play up just because they're bored.

4. Kids need lots of attention and praise when they are being good. Otherwise they will be naughty just to get attention. Reward systems (e.g. sticker charts) are more effective in getting kids to behave and co-operate than punishment systems - however praise systems without discipline to back them up are way less effective.

[sunny_skies]

these days the boys are just totally let loose by the paretns (cos they are boys) and the girls are brought up in such overlystrict conditions by some jaahil parents that when they get a whiff of a bit of a freedom they become rebellious

Parents need to find a happy medium. I have heard of both kids whose parents were strict and kids whose parents weren't strict who have become rebellious.

[MG]

Parents need to find a happy medium. I have heard of both kids whose parents were strict and kids whose parents weren't strict who have become rebellious.


i dont think its as clear cut as saying they were "strict" , parents are sometimes strict on the wrong things/values and leaner on matters/issues that they should be really strict on, like u sed its finding a medium, and setting correct islamic values and keeping an eye on the company they keep from day 1, this doesnt stop just becos a child has turned 18yrs :rolleyes:

if u stay regular on those two things from the outset inshallah further problems are easier to deal with

[nami]

this is another thing i don't understand.

it seems to me that the stricker parents of the previous generations had children who were less likely to rebel than the parents of today who are less stricked towards their children.

this may not always be true but its true from what i have seen in the limited contact with the outside world i've had...

another example is what happens in some musjids. i remember going to a dodgy musjid where the "molve" would hit the children and the children were actually scared of the molve to the level where if the child was told to memorise a verse by the next day, he would. even the rebellious children...

but i have noticed in todays musjids where there is no beating, the children are not bothered about learning as they do not have the fear of the molve. these days the rebellious children don't think twice before they right hook the movlee........

note, i know beating is wrong.

[heaven2002]

^^^ i dont think its about the hitting, its more that children in the past had respect for elders engrained in them , whereas nowadays more children dont have that automatic respect for anyone older, and they have bad role models

[MG]

this is another thing i don't understand.

it seems to me that the stricker parents of the previous generations had children who were less likely to rebel than the parents of today who are less stricked towards their children.

this may not always be true but its true from what i have seen in the limited contact with the outside world i've had...

another example is what happens in some musjids. i remember going to a dodgy musjid where the "molve" would hit the children and the children were actually scared of the molve to the level where if the child was told to memorise a verse by the next day, he would. even the rebellious children...

but i have noticed in todays musjids where there is no beating, the children are not bothered about learning as they do not have the fear of the molve. these days the rebellious children don't think twice before they right hook the movlee........

note, i know beating is wrong.


IMO teaching islam to children in this way,jus ignites hatred in their hearts for islam or learning quran and seems only a chore to them from there on..once they have choice in the matter, (when they get bigger) they jus turn away from it and have no love of learning it, totally wrong. teaching thru scaring kids creates fear and all thats going to happen is, they dont do it once your back is turned.

Also some parents seem to think, that just becos they send their child to masjid or madrassah, their job is finished and leave it all to them, which again is wrong

[nami]

^^^ i dont think its about the hitting, its more that children in the past had respect for elders engrained in them , whereas nowadays more children dont have that automatic respect for anyone older, and they have bad role models

thats what i'm trying to figure out, why were past generation children more likely to respect their elders and why are children of today less likely to respect their elders.

it's obviously something that the elders are going wrong in this generation.

i guess you're right about the role models.

[nami]

IMO teaching islam to children in this way,jus ignites hatred in their hearts for islam or learning quran and seems only a chore to them from there on..once they have choice in the matter, (when they get bigger) they jus turn away from it and have no love of learning it, totally wrong. teaching thru scaring kids creates fear and all thats going to happen is, they dont do it once your back is turned.

Also some parents seem to think, that just becos they send their child to masjid or madrassah, their job is finished and leave it all to them, which again is wrong

definately true about the parent part that they think their job is finished by sending them to the musjid... and its sad that they think that. no offense meant to anyone.

but the top paragraph, i was one of those children who went into a dodgy musjid like that yet i still love islam. :D
however, there was a few years gap between my parents sending me to the musjid and when they stopped sending me, to when i decided to go again for myself. probably about a 7 year gap...
so i guess you're right :p

[MG]

definately true about the parent part that they think their job is finished by sending them to the musjid... and its sad that they think that. no offense meant to anyone.

but the top paragraph, i was one of those children who went into a dodgy musjid like that yet i still love islam. :D
however, there was a few years gap between my parents sending me to the musjid and when they stopped sending me, to when i decided to go again for myself. probably about a 7 year gap...
so i guess you're right :p


of course im right :rolleyes: -----> :D

[nami]

of course im right :rolleyes: -----> :D

someones head is expanding. :p
just messing sis.

[K h a l i l]

How do you stop your children from being rebellious towards you?

What I mean to say is, how do you get your children to respect you enough to listen to what you tell them to do.

For example, I was talking to my friend who has a 5 years old son who was being naughty. He told his son to stop being naughty and go and sit down over there until you have calmed down. The son did not listen.

Then my friend thought "ok, I will play your game", so he told his son that you can NOT sit down and you have to keep your hands up in the air the entire time.

The son listened to him...

Why?

Why did the son not listen to him when he was told to sit down (which would have been the less painful thing to do), but instead when the father told him to stand up and keep his hands in the air, the son did so...

I don't get it... :rubeyes:


Stuff him in the microwave..
Tell him that if he talks you're gonna put it on highest heat for 30 mins..
When he talks.. Close the microwave.. and carry out your promise.
Then:

a) The child would have learnt his lesson

and

b) Add some salt and pepper.. and you've got yourself a quick and easy meal.

[nami]

Stuff him in the microwave..
Tell him that if he talks you're gonna put it on highest heat for 30 mins..
When he talks.. Close the microwave.. and carry out your promise.
Then:

a) The child would have learnt his lesson

and

b) Add some salt and pepper.. and you've got yourself a quick and easy meal.

i have a feeling that that approach would definitely get the message across to the child, but i'm sure there is a less ... hmmmmm ......... a nicer way of getting the message across? :D

don't try this at home kids.. or parents...

[K h a l i l]

i have a feeling that that approach would definitely get the message across to the child, but i'm sure there is a less ... hmmmmm ......... a nicer way of getting the message across? :D

don't try this at home kids.. or parents...

I doubt the kids will be able to stuff their parents into a microwave anyway..

[nami]

I doubt the kids will be able to stuff their parents into a microwave anyway..

it would be difficult. most likely impossible. :coolbro:

[MG]

someones head is expanding. :p
just messing sis.


*shock*
u didnt disagree!

u wanna keep hearing my opinons?....> :p

Stuff him in the microwave..
Tell him that if he talks you're gonna put it on highest heat for 30 mins..
When he talks.. Close the microwave.. and carry out your promise.
Then:

a) The child would have learnt his lesson

and

b) Add some salt and pepper.. and you've got yourself a quick and easy meal.

errrrmmm....dont rush to have kids just yet akhi....wait till your older..:rubeyes:

[nami]

*shock*
u didnt disagree!

this marriage thing is affecting me in an adverse way. i think i might be becoming "nice"... :vomit:

u wanna keep hearing my opinons?....> :p

yep.

[MG]

this marriage thing is affecting me in an adverse way. i think i might be becoming "nice"... :vomit:

yep.


not adverse, a GOOD way cos now u jus say it like it is, keep it up :up:

[nami]

not adverse, a GOOD way cos now u jus say it like it is, keep it up :up:

hmmm interesting...
but haven't i always said it "like it is"? :scratch:

[MG]

hmmm interesting...
but haven't i always said it "like it is"? :scratch:

ok now its getting to complicated for me !


errrrm...your posts are much errm softer in tone since u got married, all down to our sis !! :up:

now stop asking me so many questions ,i get headache wen i have to think longer than 2 mins :rubeyes:

[nami]

errrrm...your posts are much errm softer in tone since u got married, all down to our sis !! :up:


yeah right :p
remember my "newsgirl" post. there was nothing soft about that. infact, i am surprised i didn't get banned for that... maybe i will in the future when the mods realise what i typed.

ok now its getting to complicated for me !

now stop asking me so many questions ,i get headache wen i have to think longer than 2 mins :rubeyes:


ok sis, i won't ask you anymore questions. insha'allah. :D

[dhakiyya]

Strictness without compassion is just as bad as being too soft on the kids.

If you only punish, you will get complaince when you are around, but when you are not around the kids will do bad things. With regards masjids where kids are terrified into learning, how many of those kids stayed in Islam?

The best Muslim teenagers that I have had the pleasure to know mashaAllah have parents who do the following:

1. have consistent discipline (i.e. the rules don't change unless there is a very good reason, which is explained clearly to the child) that is firm but fair.

2. listen to their children, especially when the children have problems, and help them solve their problems, and give them moral and emotional support when they have difficult things to do, and practical support and help too

3. respect their children and treat them with kindness, compassion, affection and understanding. They give them lots of attention when they are being good, play games with them and so on.

4. they teach them Islam themselves, teaching them about all aspects of Allah, and all about the Prophet :saw: how he was compassionate and merciful to the poor, the weak, widows, orphans and all of this side of Islam, and also teach them about oppression in the world, and how Muslims have a duty to help the oppressed, even fighting against oppressors if necessary - this inshaAllah gives the child a very strong compassionate nature and makes them unafriad to stand up for what is right and wrong - this is something they carry with them everywhere, not something they just do when parents are around. It also teaches them a deep love for Allah, which is part of them, not just something to show when mum and dad are watching.

5. They have their children praying with the family from age seven, and even encourage them to join in/copy/sit with them etc before that (but don't force, i.e. let little kids play whilst everyone is praying if they want to, or join in/copy the prayer if they want to.

6. they teach them to respect not just their elders but everyone. in particular they teach them respect for elders, e.g. calling elders "auntie" and "uncle", and also teach them good manners, all this from the youngest possible age.

7. They take care to be excellent examples of Muslims themselves. And they are careful what influences their children are exposed to, e.g. controllling tv viewing - and also teaching the children what is and is not appropriate so the children don't want to watch bad programmes, or do bad things cause other kids are.

Parenting kids is a lot more than just whether you smack them or do the naughty chair. They are little people who we must nurture, guide, cherish, love, teach......and a lot more besides that.

[dhakiyya]

Oh and an example of one such excellent teenager mashaAllah that I know, a friends oldest son age 16 - mashaAllah he loves Islam so much that he even wakes up the whole family for fajr every morning mashaAllah may Allah bless him and his whole family and keep them happy, healthy always and on the straight path always.

[nami]

Oh and an example of one such excellent teenager mashaAllah that I know, a friends oldest son age 16 - mashaAllah he loves Islam so much that he even wakes up the whole family for fajr every morning mashaAllah may Allah bless him and his whole family and keep them happy, healthy always and on the straight path always.

masha'allah!

[MG]

another way to get thru to children if they dont take notice of what your saying, is tell their islamic teacher or quran teacher to have a word with them , cos they are more likely to listen when someone else says it (Well somekids are like that).

My friend did that for her daughter and got the quran teacher to have a word ,her daughter never made the same mistake since

[Medievalist]

Its partly to do with example. All of us bro's mess around with each other but not infront of my father or anyone else cos we never saw our dad speak loud infront of my grandfather. Even now - if my grandfathers in the room, my dad doesnt speak unless my grandfather speaks to him or brings him into a conversation. We learnt by my dads example - if people visit we alhamdulillah all 4 dont speak unless spoken to.

Similarly whenever my grandparents asked my dad or mom to do anything - they immediately do it - we learnt from them aswell. I think setting a good example yourself is important cos if your kid sees you immediately obey your mother/father when they call you - then they gonna inshaALLAH follow suit. If instead they see their dad taking 10 minutes or complaining or even just making a face when told to do something - then the kids note things like that and copy that.

[nami]

another way to get thru to children if they dont take notice of what your saying, is tell their islamic teacher or quran teacher to have a word with them , cos they are more likely to listen when someone else says it (Well somekids are like that).

My friend did that for her daughter and got the quran teacher to have a word ,her daughter never made the same mistake since

im sure that works, but how do you get that respect or fear (whatever you want to call it) that your son/daughter has for his/her teacher so he/she acts the same way when you tell him/her something?

Its partly to do with example. All of us bro's mess around with each other but not infront of my father or anyone else cos we never saw our dad speak loud infront of my grandfather. Even now - if my grandfathers in the room, my dad doesnt speak unless my grandfather speaks to him or brings him into a conversation. We learnt by my dads example - if people visit we alhamdulillah all 4 dont speak unless spoken to.

Similarly whenever my grandparents asked my dad or mom to do anything - they immediately do it - we learnt from them aswell. I think setting a good example yourself is important cos if your kid sees you immediately obey your mother/father when they call you - then they gonna inshaALLAH follow suit. If instead they see their dad taking 10 minutes or complaining or even just making a face when told to do something - then the kids note things like that and copy that.

i'm doomed...

[MG]

im sure that works, but how do you get that respect or fear (whatever you want to call it) that your son/daughter has for his/her teacher so he/she acts the same way when you tell him/her something?



i'm doomed...


theres loads of ways to do it, but it aint easy cos it means YOU have to repeat the same behaviour for a period of time so that its sinks in with them.

Like my lil one, at the moment i jus have to give "the look" :D and he willstop moaning and go do what i ask.(wonder how long that will last).

to CREATE fear without being violent to them, u must be:

Assertive

Have a serious tone of voice (no laughing) when u want them to do something or listen to u.

Always show them that u wont give in on important matters, like salah for example, they must learn to drop evrything when its salat time..

I agree with Bro Med (scary i knw) example is very important, very important indeed, my bros talk like guys when they wit der mates and my lil one is wit dem and he picked up a couple of words that his mates sed to someone on the phone - so i immedialtely had to tell my bros to watch EVERY lil thing they do around him cos he will copy them and tell their friends that they should do this too, or i woulda stopped him going wit my bros to places if their friends are about.(ok they have stopped taking him out as much since i told them this! lol but i dont mind i would rather that he not pick up bad habits)

0-7yrs i would say is the crucial stage where u need to watch EVERY SINGLE thing u do becos this is wen their mind and character 's founddation will be moulded, alot of people say im to strict with him but i dont think i am, not wen u look at todays society, im good to him but when he is bad im BAAAD :D otherwise they will take u for a ride everytime.

[nami]

theres loads of ways to do it, but it aint easy cos it means YOU have to repeat the same behaviour for a period of time so that its sinks in with them.

Like my lil one, at the moment i jus have to give "the look" :D and he willstop moaning and go do what i ask.(wonder how long that will last).

to CREATE fear without being violent to them, u must be:

Assertive

Have a serious tone of voice (no laughing) when u want them to do something or listen to u.

Always show them that u wont give in on important matters, like salah for example, they must learn to drop evrything when its salat time..

I agree with Bro Med (scary i knw) example is very important, very important indeed, my bros talk like guys when they wit der mates and my lil one is wit dem and he picked up a couple of words that his mates sed to someone on the phone - so i immedialtely had to tell my bros to watch EVERY lil thing they do around him cos he will copy them and tell their friends that they should do this too, or i woulda stopped him going wit my bros to places if their friends are about.(ok they have stopped taking him out as much since i told them this! lol but i dont mind i would rather that he not pick up bad habits)

0-7yrs i would say is the crucial stage where u need to watch EVERY SINGLE thing u do becos this is wen their mind and character 's founddation will be moulded, alot of people say im to strict with him but i dont think i am, not wen u look at todays society, im good to him but when he is bad im BAAAD :D otherwise they will take u for a ride everytime.

i gotta develop "the look". :up:

i seem to have "the look" which i developed as a security guard when another guard couldn't deal with some people and i walked in, gave "the look", and these people just changed the subject and walked out... lol

have to modify and implement the same look with my children insha'allah ;)

[MG]

i gotta develop "the look". :up:

i seem to have "the look" which i developed as a security guard when another guard couldn't deal with some people and i walked in, gave "the look", and these people just changed the subject and walked out... lol

have to modify and implement the same look with my children insha'allah ;)


lol @ security guard look....ahem yes u will have to change that look a lil cos u wont be a security guard anymore once the kids come along inshallah:up:

[nami]

lol @ security guard look....ahem yes u will have to change that look a lil cos u wont be a security guard anymore once the kids come along inshallah:up:

that was years back though as my part time weekend job while i was at university. i think i lost "the look"...

[MG]

that was years back though as my part time weekend job while i was at university. i think i lost "the look"...


dont worry, it becomes OBLIGATORY to have "the look" wen they come along :D

[sunny_skies]

this is another thing i don't understand.

it seems to me that the stricker parents of the previous generations had children who were less likely to rebel than the parents of today who are less stricked towards their children.

this may not always be true but its true from what i have seen in the limited contact with the outside world i've had...

another example is what happens in some musjids. i remember going to a dodgy musjid where the "molve" would hit the children and the children were actually scared of the molve to the level where if the child was told to memorise a verse by the next day, he would. even the rebellious children...

but i have noticed in todays musjids where there is no beating, the children are not bothered about learning as they do not have the fear of the molve. these days the rebellious children don't think twice before they right hook the movlee........

note, i know beating is wrong.

Yep, me and my sis often talk about this and wonder why children no longer fear anyone or have the same respect for adults that we had when we were kids. (Note, not ALL children are like this but it is the norm) I feel it's all to do with changes in our society and bad role models...

Even innocent children's cartoons sometimes have stories in which it's supposed to be funny if you answer back to one of your elders or make a face behind his back.

...and you're right, they fear nobody nowadays. I don't know where that comes from??

[nami]

Yep, me and my sis often talk about this and wonder why children no longer fear anyone or have the same respect for adults that we had when we were kids. (Note, not ALL children are like this but it is the norm) I feel it's all to do with changes in our society and bad role models...

Even innocent children's cartoons sometimes have stories in which it's supposed to be funny if you answer back to one of your elders or make a face behind his back.

...and you're right, they fear nobody nowadays. I don't know where that comes from??

it does seem to be down to bad role models, based on what they seem on tv, how their parents act around them, and what they learn from school. just makes parenting 3 times more difficult...

getting stressed just thinking about it.

[dhakiyya]

I totally agree with mediaevalist. If you don't model good behaviour, and being a good Muslim for your children from the youngest age, and in everything that they observe you doing, how can you expect them to do what you do not?

Children from the youngest age learn by copying you. Ruqayya is just 11 months old mashaAllah and already she copies things that me and my husband do mashaAllah. Also, how many times do you hear psychologists saying that their patient is violent/a drunk/abusive/add bad traits here because they grew up with a parent that behaved in just the same way? (not saying that everyone who grows up with a parent like this becomes like them, but many do. MashaAllah and may Allah reward greatly those who can rise above a bad upbringing and still be a good Muslim mashaAllah.)

We must inshaAllah lead our children by example, and then impliment strategies (e.g. discipline systems, reward systems) to encourage good behaviour and discourage bad.

[nami]

This is an amazing thread with some amazing answers. Gonna have to keep this for the future. ;)

[Te'oma]

I believe that there are basically 4 types of children...allow me to break it down.

1) The perfect child: This child is the one that is an adult in a small body. The are, as the name implies, the perfect children. They rarely complain, they help out, they study hard etc
2) The clown: This is the child that is always making you laugh. They can use charm and their sense of humour to deal with almost any situation. They are very quick witted and can be a handful because they sometimes fail to exercise restraint at appropriate times and can be defiant.
3) The crisis child: For this kid, everything is a major crisis. The least little impediment and they just shut down until someone else solves the problem for them
4) The woe is me kid: This child goes out of their way to be different so they can claim to be the victim and that everyone hates them. This is the child who's parents are exhausted by constant trips to the school to talk to the teachers about bullying.

The common thing with all of these types is that they are using learned behaviours to get attention from their parents. You can mold your child into being the perfect child by tailoring your responses to their behaviour and be watchful as they emerge into these types of kids. It's pretty evident when they are small. Act appropriately with them from an early age and never give them attention when they are using negative strategies to get it.

[nami]

I believe that there are basically 4 types of children...allow me to break it down.

1) The perfect child: This child is the one that is an adult in a small body. The are, as the name implies, the perfect children. They rarely complain, they help out, they study hard etc
2) The clown: This is the child that is always making you laugh. They can use charm and their sense of humour to deal with almost any situation. They are very quick witted and can be a handful because they sometimes fail to exercise restraint at appropriate times and can be defiant.
3) The crisis child: For this kid, everything is a major crisis. The least little impediment and they just shut down until someone else solves the problem for them
4) The woe is me kid: This child goes out of their way to be different so they can claim to be the victim and that everyone hates them. This is the child who's parents are exhausted by constant trips to the school to talk to the teachers about bullying.

The common thing with all of these types is that they are using learned behaviours to get attention from their parents. You can mold your child into being the perfect child by tailoring your responses to their behaviour and be watchful as they emerge into these types of kids. It's pretty evident when they are small. Act appropriately with them from an early age and never give them attention when they are using negative strategies to get it.

thats very interesting.

what kind of parents would you have to be to get the type 1 child? what i mean is, what would you have to do as a parent, how would you teach your children, how would you reply to your child, how would you tell them off if they were naughty and so on?

[Te'oma]

The type one kid is cultivated by rewarding such behaviour lavishly with your time and energy and denying them that if they are naughty. It's a learned behaviour thing but be careful because a child can miss out on a lot of being a child by overdoing it as a type 1.
I would also add that if you have more then one child, never be blatant with the reward for one and punishment for another ie...never make it a point to say, Ahmed and I are going to the park because he did as he was told but Abdul has to stay home. This will just encourage rivalry

[nami]

The type one kid is cultivated by rewarding such behaviour lavishly with your time and energy and denying them that if they are naughty. It's a learned behaviour thing but be careful because a child can miss out on a lot of being a child by overdoing it as a type 1.
I would also add that if you have more then one child, never be blatant with the reward for one and punishment for another ie...never make it a point to say, Ahmed and I are going to the park because he did as he was told but Abdul has to stay home. This will just encourage rivalry

i've noticed some parents do the following:

child 1: good child who tries to listen and does what s/he is told.
child 2: bad child who tried not to listen and does not do what s/he is told

parents: always get the good child to do everything they want because they know the other child will not listen. they do not reward the good child. the good child starts to think, if i am bad, then my parents will stop asking me to do things all the time.

suddenly you have 2 rebellious children...

i mean if 1 of your children is good and listens, how do you reward hiim/her to get the message across to the other child that if s/he listens s/he will also get rewarded without rubbing it in as you said in your previous post?

[Te'oma]

i've noticed some parents do the following:

child 1: good child who tries to listen and does what s/he is told.
child 2: bad child who tried not to listen and does not do what s/he is told

parents: always get the good child to do everything they want because they know the other child will not listen. they do not reward the good child. the good child starts to think, if i am bad, then my parents will stop asking me to do things all the time.

suddenly you have 2 rebellious children...

i mean if 1 of your children is good and listens, how do you reward hiim/her to get the message across to the other child that if s/he listens s/he will also get rewarded without rubbing it in as you said in your previous post?

Ahhh now here is the balancing act. What you do is still make the rebellious kid do his part. If he doesn't, you don't do simple things for him like cook his meals. The trick is to reward the good while giving the rebellious child the option to be good. It takes a bit but they do catch on that it is easier to be good then bad. The hard part is to stick to it and be consistent without giving the rebellious child attention. When they complain that they aren't having supper, you simply say, "well you didn't make your bed" and leave it at that. They will throw a tantrum and what not but you just have to ignore them. Meanwhile the well behaved child not only gets dinner but you sneak him a desert to make him feel a little special but you must never say that this is for being better behaved then ahmed. He gets the reward because he did an exceptional job on making his bed. Make it a competition with himself for excellence rather then a competition with his brother.
All of my kids were raised with the idea that within a family, we all have jobs to do and they have to be done. If I came home one day from work and all of the beds were made, the dishes had been done and the house was tidy, after the homework was all done I would announce that since there was nothing left to do, lets all get ice cream or go swimming at the pool. On the other hand, if one kid had slacked off that day I would make a comment like, You know, I would like to go to the pool but there is work to be done. The other kids would push that one to pull their weight.

[MG]

Ahhh now here is the balancing act. What you do is still make the rebellious kid do his part. If he doesn't, you don't do simple things for him like cook his meals. The trick is to reward the good while giving the rebellious child the option to be good. It takes a bit but they do catch on that it is easier to be good then bad. The hard part is to stick to it and be consistent without giving the rebellious child attention. When they complain that they aren't having supper, you simply say, "well you didn't make your bed" and leave it at that. They will throw a tantrum and what not but you just have to ignore them. Meanwhile the well behaved child not only gets dinner but you sneak him a desert to make him feel a little special but you must never say that this is for being better behaved then ahmed. He gets the reward because he did an exceptional job on making his bed. Make it a competition with himself for excellence rather then a competition with his brother.
All of my kids were raised with the idea that within a family, we all have jobs to do and they have to be done. If I came home one day from work and all of the beds were made, the dishes had been done and the house was tidy, after the homework was all done I would announce that since there was nothing left to do, lets all get ice cream or go swimming at the pool. On the other hand, if one kid had slacked off that day I would make a comment like, You know, I would like to go to the pool but there is work to be done. The other kids would push that one to pull their weight.


very well said akhi, consistency and sticking to what u say is the ultmiate KEY in getting the child to listen to u from day 1, alot of parents, due to not wanting the xtra stress give into kids or jus say "oh ok then!" (5mins after they said no), kids quickley catch on to your weak times, i.e. knowing when u will say the magic word - yes.

I.e. i noticed with my lil one, that when im on the phone ,within 2mins he will come upto me and ask me if he can go play the PS2, a few times i sed yes and then i cottoned on!!!! that he knows normally i say no, so he tries and get me when im busy with other stuff and wont think to much about it - well we soon put a stop to that - mwwahahahahahaha .

keep it regular and consistent and MEAN what u say and ur setting a good foundation.

[nami]

Ahhh now here is the balancing act. What you do is still make the rebellious kid do his part. If he doesn't, you don't do simple things for him like cook his meals. The trick is to reward the good while giving the rebellious child the option to be good. It takes a bit but they do catch on that it is easier to be good then bad. The hard part is to stick to it and be consistent without giving the rebellious child attention. When they complain that they aren't having supper, you simply say, "well you didn't make your bed" and leave it at that. They will throw a tantrum and what not but you just have to ignore them. Meanwhile the well behaved child not only gets dinner but you sneak him a desert to make him feel a little special but you must never say that this is for being better behaved then ahmed. He gets the reward because he did an exceptional job on making his bed. Make it a competition with himself for excellence rather then a competition with his brother.
All of my kids were raised with the idea that within a family, we all have jobs to do and they have to be done. If I came home one day from work and all of the beds were made, the dishes had been done and the house was tidy, after the homework was all done I would announce that since there was nothing left to do, lets all get ice cream or go swimming at the pool. On the other hand, if one kid had slacked off that day I would make a comment like, You know, I would like to go to the pool but there is work to be done. The other kids would push that one to pull their weight.

this sounds like good stuff, gonna have to bookmark this for the future insha'allah :D

very well said akhi, consistency and sticking to what u say is the ultmiate KEY in getting the child to listen to u from day 1, alot of parents, due to not wanting the xtra stress give into kids or jus say "oh ok then!" (5mins after they said no), kids quickley catch on to your weak times, i.e. knowing when u will say the magic word - yes.

I.e. i noticed with my lil one, that when im on the phone ,within 2mins he will come upto me and ask me if he can go play the PS2, a few times i sed yes and then i cottoned on!!!! that he knows normally i say no, so he tries and get me when im busy with other stuff and wont think to much about it - well we soon put a stop to that - mwwahahahahahaha .

keep it regular and consistent and MEAN what u say and ur setting a good foundation.

sis your lil boy sounds like a sharp one, getting you when you're in the middle of something! unbelievable how quickly they pick up on little things like that...

[Omar]

hit da kid init